Here is my schedule for the fall, as far as I know.

I think everyone's housing check-in is Saturday Sept 19th, but that could just be Freshmen. I'll have to double check that.
Either way, I should probably be settled in my dorm by at least the 21st because the Writing Center retreat is Sept 22 through 24th. Then I will have a couple days to chill, start my reading, catch up with people. Class starts on Monday the 28th.

My weekly class/work schedule is gonna look something like this:

Monday:
Andean Roots 10-3

Tuesday:
Tutoring in the morning/afternoon (2-4 hours)
Spanish 6-8p

Wednesday:
Andean Roots 9-12
Tutoring in the afternoon (2-4 hours)

Thursday (always seem to be the longest day):
Andean Roots 9-3
Spanish 6-8p

Friday:
Tutor meeting/class 10-12
Tutoring in the afternoon if I haven't done my 8 hours/week yet.

*sigh* busy busy.
But I am excited about what I am studying.
I am stoked about the internship.

I know I am gonna get stressed and overwhelmed, but hopefully I will be more able to cope with the pressure this year.
I will be in Substance Free housing, which will probably be much quieter, and hopefully I won't have to deal with drunk people playing instruments terribly above me, the smell of cigarettes or pot, or any of the other strange and distracting things I dealt with last year while trying to write essays, do stats, read endless novels ect.

What else is going to be better about this year. I have lots of friends. Alicia will be there. Nygil too. Annie will come back after her trip to Africa, and Ariana after her trip to India. Tyler, and Zach, and Ben, and Nina, and Aja, and Trevor are all coming back. As is Rob I believe, and Chris. Chantal will be there sometimes. And all the people I know from Legacy and PacNW and Cultivating Voice.

I want to climb on the rock wall as much as possible, play lots of raquet ball, go on runs in the rain, ride my bike cool places. I want to go watch student performances, see some of the soccer games, and even some basketball games.
I want to make this year much fuller of life and good times.
I want to feel at home in my apartment, and get along with my roommates.
I want to breathe more fresh air.
I want to play in the snow, in the mud, in the sun, and lay in the field and look at the stars.
I want to learn how to slack line, play hacky sack, and do other typical Evergreeny type things.
I hope to have the desire to stay on campus/in Oly on the weekends instead of coming home.

I want to get better at writing essays (faster).
I want to become somewhat fluent in Spanish.
I want to develop my ability as a tutor.
I want to overcome my habitual procrastination.

I think I can make myself happy by doing these things.
I know I've been trying for years, and for just as long have felt defeated by despair and desperation. But I am still gonna try harder to find some sense of contentment, if only enough to wake up glad to be alive rather than just trolling along through each new day.


I'm starting now though.
I'm not waiting for school.

I'm gonna try to start letting some of the weight of the world just roll of my sholders, rather than trying to hold it all up.
We'll see how it goes.

i have a lot to say, so I'm just gonna start typing.

my first thought is this:
it would be wonderful if people would listen to what I say, and believe me, or take me seriously.
that seems to be a theme over the happenings of the past few days.

this whole summer at camp... i have been healing. the minute i step away from neverneverland, all of that disappears. or maybe i wasn't healing at all... just temporarily escaping my real life.
i am thrust back into failed relationships, lost love, friendships that are more destructive than constructive, a world obsessed with/reliant on drugs and sex.



its amazing how long it took me to get from misery to happiness, and how short it took me to get back.

I'm still gonna try to be happy. I'm always gonna try.
But I really don't think the world is going to let me.


there are people in my room with me.
i need to stop.
i need to go.

it takes only a few moments back in reality to start chipping away (or completely demolish) all that built up optimism and joy.

Zippity-fuckin-doo-dah.

I'm too tired to fight this off.

Isn't it amazing when a lyric, or a song, or even a whole album just describes your life perfectly? And somehow you discover it right when you need it (right when you need someone to understand all the unspeakable thoughts that are flying through your mind...)
The tone too.
Relaxed and soft, but intense.

"how the wind in your hair now feels differently"


I'm trying to deconstruct the album. I remember you said you thought it could be a story. Can't put it together all the way right now.

I just know there are some lines in there that are really speaking to me right now.

--

Today, walking from Snoqualmie to North Bend. The wind danced with my hair. The sun held my skin. Life just seemed to surround me. I was so light. Walking felt like flying.
It was probably one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I was happy. I was practically in tears at the thought that I can actually be so happy. And so balanced, and so content, that I can't even control a smile. Not just a smile either. A huge, invincible grin, that made people turn their heads and wonder what could possibly inspire such joy.
I am happy because I'm alive, and today was a beautiful day to be alive.
I am happy because I'm growing; changing, but also accepting the parts of me that are constant.


Oh, that reminds me... I was re-reading some of the posts I wrote before camp. Because of how I felt/feel today, I was shocked by something I had said in June, in "beauty." I said:

"I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure."

I don't know how true or untrue that statement is, but I do know that I have thought it for years now. But suddenly, I feel I feel that I can transcend that about myself, by living a certain way. (God, I know I sound so crazy sometimes..) Either way, I felt so much overwhelming rightness today that I thought I was going to burst. At camp, that was fairly common, but I honestly thought that would leave the moment I got back here.

There was a moment in Grey's car yesterday, when... I felt this light leaving me. It was instant, but it was just... there was something there inside me, and then there wasn't. And I felt suddenly unfamiliar. Except that it was the dull feeling which I had accepted as natural for so long.

But then there was something else inside me, (not so physically present as the first one felt) and it refused to let me feel dark for more than a second. And even though I felt like something changed, I still felt amazing.

"weve got nowhere to go, but here."

Goddamnit, I need a new notebook. Filled up the last one about a week ago.

I bought a new one, but it isn't right. Maybe I shouldn't be so picky... I just know the type I got fall apart really easily.

Whatever...

I decided to stay at Killoqua for another week instead of doing Summer Winds, and I made that decision even before Killoqua was sure they could pay me. I just knew I needed to be here. Here makes me happy.
Made?
Well... so far this week, I feel I am falling backwards into my normal state of feeling (or unfeeling, if you will).
But I am fighting that off.
And so is camp.

And its not that I feel alone...
even though I kinda am...
I just wish I had something stable.
Which is maybe why this Grey situation is taking a turn I didn't think it would.

I'd be really nice if I could do something without complete screwing it up, or messing myself up emotionally. That's what I like about camp... I feel that I am doing something good, and I feel good doing it.
Except this week, so far.

Mom is coming for my TO tomorrow.
I am on my Out right now, in the Staff room, waiting for Grey.

Maybe I am writing myself into a hole right now, because I am not expressing what I need to.
I need more time to myself. To reflect.
(It will come... you will miss this.)

Ok. time to go enjoy my last week here.

I was at Wee Theatre with my Whulje boys last week and they were messing around on stage, and one of them said "To be or not to be" and automatically I started reciting the rest of Hamlet's soliloquy. Granted, I only got about 5 more lines in before I blanked. That, and the kids thought I was crazy, ...and I kinda was crazy cause they asked me what it meant and I actually tried to explain it to them (10 year old boys...). Maybe that's not crazy. Maybe they should know. But they didn't understand anyway, and I felt strange that I had even tried to explain it. However, they kept asking me to recite it. And it really bothered me that I couldn't remember it all. :/

Anyway, I am going to try to re-remember it. Starting now. Here it is, so I can just reference it from my blog if I need a refresher.

HAMLET: To be, or not to be--that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--

No more--and by a sleep to say we end

The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--

To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause. There's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country, from whose bourn

No traveler returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprise of great pitch and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,

The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remembered.

These problems, causing you grief, are so small when I look at the stars.
You ask what i am looking for, and in this world I do not know.
But when I look at the stars, I am looking for truth, and answers, and hope that there is something more than we can see. I am looking at questions that no one is able to answer without asking more questions. I am seeing the same stars that you are seeing, but maybe I am seeing them differently.
When I look at the stars I long to be floating out there with them, out there in outer-space. But it is only when I stop and realize that I am out there --out here-- floating around in space, that I feel safe. And home. I am surrounded, secure. I am where I belong. It isn't "out there", it is right here, and it is everywhere. I sit on this ball. And this ball floats in space. Like the stars.

Is it endless?

We have our star, bringing life.
Our moon, brought to life.
Our earth, our lives.

But we have this vastness surrounding it all, making it all real, by being so surreal.
Are we floating in an abyss, or are we floating in a rain drop, or are we rats in some experiment: Biosphere I.

(I am glad for contemplation, though I wish I had the words.)
(I always have the answers for You.. but never for me.)

I don't have an answer.
I don't know what I seek.
I only know that I will always be looking.

We sing that song after some of the meals. I love it. It makes me believe in wonderful feelings and wonderful days. It makes me appreciate the sunshine.

finishing that last post would be pointless.



dude... it feels so good to type and know that i have time to just say what I need to say.



I got my campers yesterday. Whulje boys (3rd and 4th grade). I was pretty nervous going into it, but I guess I wasnt anticipating the things I should have been. Once they were all dropped off, it was pretty much a nightmare... By dinner I was just using all my strength to fight off a total breakdown into tears. I couldnt get them to follow the rules, and worse, I couldnt even tell them the rules because I couldnt get their attention.

And on top of that, I felt like no one believed that I could do this.

But now I feel better about that.

I just know I wouldnt be able to do this without Showtime and Nemo and Feet and Yeti and Paws helping so much. Broadway has given me a lot of pointers too, and basically everyone has some advice or strategy for me to use to get them to be a bit more obedient.



While I was scheduling last night, they were playing games with Showtime. He is so good with kids that when I got them back, he had a code word, and whenever I say it they automatically run to me and listen. ...Like magic. ha. I am super thankful for him, and Nemo is such a good UC. He is so understanding and helpful. And we had kitchen setup this morning, and we didnt get it all done, but the UCs and Directors helped me right out, and it all turned out fine.



I feel good today. After yesterday I thought there was no way I was going to feel good ever all week, but I actually do. I'm excited to be a councelor and not be in the Arts and Crafts room all week. I just hope I can stay calm and keep them under control.

I'm not gonna lie though, I miss living in Gypsy with Pez and Showtime and Sandals. That was a good week, last week. Especially our overnight in the Environmental Center. All my living situations have been pretty good. I liked living in Tapala in a staff cabin a couple weeks ago. And Owakna wasnt bad either, after I got use to it.



Right now I am chilling and listening to music in the staff room for my TO. Its so nice to just relax and enjoy music.

This weekend was awesome too. Spontaneously Amazon invited a bunch of people to her house. Me, Showtime, Gameboy, and Sandals went with her. She lives in Port Orchard but her brother had a swim meet in Federal Way so we drove there on Saturday and I met my dad for lunch which was perfect. I loved spending time with him. We also got some new shoes, jeans and shorts for me. Lucky because this week is supposed to be record breaking heat, and my shoes were practically falling off my feet. Plus I havent had new jeans forever. (PS. I love Goodwill!)



I met the camp people back at the Aquatic Center and we watched a couple races (and bet on them... which I won). After Amazon's brother's race and then we all headed out to PO. We got to her beautiful house covered in flowers and neat things everywhere. She and her grandparents share a yard and a pool, and there are horse barns and pastures, and they have a goose, and cool climbing structures that he dad built. We went swimming, had a BBQ, celebrated with some of her family for birthdays, ate cake, played with potato guns, climbed up her princess tower (which I am super jealous of), took pictures, and just hung out. We got drinks and candy and watched this super awesome movie called "Mysterious Island" which pretty much rivals "The Caveman" for how much me and Alicia would appreciate it. (Can't wait to show her).

I really liked hanging out with all of them. Amazon and I found a common obsession (Twilgiht...duh), ^_^ and raved about it for hours. Sandals is a really chill guy, and is always making people laugh. Gameboy reminds me of Nathan and Zak and Alex, and he and Showtime are going to PAX so that is gonna be a blast! Showtime and I went on a night swim in the pool and watched the stars. It was beautiful. We also stayed up til like 3AM talking. We had a good talk the night before too (our last night in Gypsy) until about 2. We might go see Blink 182 together.
Anyway. I love these people. I love it here.



This is one of my best summers ever. I feel genuinly happy so much of the time. I can still feel my darker side trying to come out and overtake me again, but something about this place and these people seems to help fight it back. Sometimes the sadness breaks through a bit. Sometimes I feel hopeless, like I did in Highschool, but it is occasional, and it is fleeting. On the other hand, its been so long since I found myself laughing so hard that it hurts, but now it happens pretty much everyday. And it isnt the insane fits of laughter that make me cry afterwards, like at Evergreen. Its the good kind, that make me feel light and joyful.

I miss people from North Bend, and Seattle. And from Oregon. And from Evergreen. But I know this is where I should be right now.

What a wonderful feeling that is.

PS. Tyler, I did get tagged out of the game. I will explain later... it was pretty bad. There are technically 3 people left, but one is sick. The new rules are way too intense now anyway. The game ends tomorrow now and a new one starts.

i feel so down. i have very little time to write, and a lot to say.

my stupid dream was the perfect preface to my day. it set the tone really (or at least, the realization that it was only a dream).
it was a dream that he --i dont know how to specify which "he"-- professed his love for me. it was basically: "i'm in love with you Alex" (or ACE... i cant remember which he used, but i know there was the possibility of either... so that narrows it down to the people who call me ACE, which include Nygil, my soccer coach, and the people from camp.

anyway, it was someone from camp...wonder who... (damn... four minutes to get to Gypsy.)
i didnt believe him. i thought he was playing me
but he found me again and told me to kiss him.

...kissing in dreams... that is strange. especially if you have never kissed that person in real life.

fuck. i will finish this later.

I like it here. A lot.

^_^

the more mortality I witness
the more invincible I must become.



The harder the world pushes, the harder I want to push back.
The world won't break...
Will I?

"i'm so sick, infected with where i live. let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness. i'm so sick."

and the entire album through:

"i'm praying that we will see something there, in between then and there, that exceeds all we can dream."

and then he calls.


drunk.


my fuckin favorite
thing to happen
in the middle
of a mental breakdown.

but i guess it doesn't matter.
not tonight.
(thanks tyler)

you treat me like the most beautiful, most special thing in the whole world.
why is that not enough for me?



this is sad.
i feel sad,
because...

...it takes running naked across the Safeway strip mall to make me feel alive.
...i'm gonna be so lonely this summer.
...i'm gonna be so lonely at school next year.
...you feel you have to lie to me about these things.
...i feel everything, and it always leaves me feeling numb.
...i loved you so much, and i didn't help anything, i only made it worse.
...life is so boring compared to fiction.
...i hate this meaninglessness, and yet I seem to be looking for more of it.
...i really don't want you to die like this, i'm gonna miss you so much.
...i don't ever want to be away from you, but whenever i'm with you, i push you away.
...i can't escape this place, or these people, especially him.
...people like that exist.
...i wonder if i have gotten anywhere, and where exactly i am trying to get to anyway.

loyalty

honesty

love

i don't know what anything means anymore.

i feel sick to my stomach.

sometimes you are so wise
and sometimes you are foolish beyond my comprehension.



something I have learned this week:
Love is not strong enough.
Loving someone is not enough.
Even if you pour your heart and soul into someone's well-being, you can never protect them... you can never save them, especially from themselves.
Love is not enough.

Love is enough.
Yours is enough to keep me alive.
My love for nature and the precious moments of beauty are enough to keep me from making the jump, as exhilarating is it may have been to leap off that bridge and fall so slowly I would fly... and then I would die.
Love for my family is enough that despite the treachery of this world and its people, I need no one else but them to be okay, and have a will to stay alive.

But...
I will be honest. There was a moment of consideration. It was enough to get me to my feet and stare at the structure loom taller and taller as I walked toward.
The consideration was this:
Maybe I was right all along that I am meant to die for the ones I love. And maybe this would be the only way they might see.

The counter-argument is this:
Find the beauty in the filth.
I can be the beauty. And if I am, then I cannot die, else all hope be lost that love and beauty can overcome.

The problem:
I am probably not that significant.
I only say these things to give my life meaning when I feel I have none, and no one.
My life is as meaningless, or only as meaningful, as the rest.
I stay alive for me, because I long to see the beauty as much as I can before my time.

The kicker is this:
I suffer.
And I always will.
That is another thing I learned this week, I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure.
Unsure,
always.
You probably all are too.
Well, some.
Some of you have faith.
And some of you have escape.

But me...
again, not to say that I am special, but I am different.
Everyone who has ever known me well has always told me that,
and I always somehow knew it,
but only now am I starting to truly believe it.

Your words,
your actions,
the ways of this world
turn my mind to jolted-illogical-electrical static that makes my head spin.

sometimes you are wise...
sometimes I despise everything about you.
sometimes I can't wrap my head around reality.
sometimes fantastical worlds with vampire lovers, and werewolf friends would just somehow make more sense.

but always,
ALWAYS

I will be...

I will meet others

I will not do...

I will find more truth

I will love...


and maybe I will waste my time
and maybe I will waste away

and maybe someday I will find that love can be enough,
that my love can be enough
for someone else
that I can be enough
for myself.



I feel so useless.

"you made up your mind to leave it all behind, but now you're forced to fight it out. you fall away from your past, but its following you."


"there's really no way to reach me, cause I'm already gone..."


i'm too lazy to write anymore...

Tyler Allen says:
That is a great entry. If I had to pick something to describe you I would pick water.
*alex* says:
interesting.
*alex* says:
nygil picked air
Tyler Allen says:
air is affected by everything but it doesn't matter for the air. if something gets it its way it goes around or blows some where else. Water is also afected by everything but it can't just blow away. When it's cold ot it freezes, when it's sunny it warms. But through all of this it is moving and changing, affecting everything around it.

*sigh*

...but...
it is better now.

i think what hurts the most (was being so close! ...no, just kidding ^_^)
is the nostalgia.
i mean, like i said before: maybe remembering is my "problem".
well... yea! it fucking hurts to think about times that don't exist anymore, or people who have changed so extraordinarily much that you can hardly recognize them as the same person you once knew.

("love is watching someone die" -DCFC)

but... the fact that they once existed... that means something.

"I'm staring at what once was the wall" -The Fray
(i know the song is talking about something else, but this is what it means to me.)
maybe something once was my wall, protecting me from the world.
maybe I'm looking at it now, and i realize that those walls are broken and they will never protect me again...
(or... maybe the fragments can still shield me from certain pain at certain times: "As you handed me those sunglasses and motioned for me to put them over my tear-stricken eyes, I recognized that look across your face of purity and kindness. I hesitated to put them on, but realized that this was your intention-- to hide me from the world and keep me and my pain to yourself when you would pass no judgment and where no one else could say a word. And i felt safe, once again, by your hand" -Journal 3, 9/26/07)
...i remember that,
and it doesn't hurt.



and you suddenly realize that things have changed so much that there is a rift... something you can see across, but you can't quite get across. you can change, and things can keep changing,
but...

some things will always change,
some things will never change,
there are no guarantees.
only opportunities.

"possibility is what makes life go on" -Alicia


("maybe in 5 or 10 yours and mine will meet again, straighten this whole thing out" -The Fray)
i won't know.
i can't know right now.
but i can remember.
and i can feel -good or bad- whatever emotion those memories evoke.

("the gift of memory's an awful curse. with age it just gets much worse. but i won't mind..." -DCFC)



wow... I'm tired.
I'm confused.
I'm lonely.
I'm anxious.

I'm ready for my trip. Right now.
Right.
now.
I want to be isolated,
so I can think,
so I can be.

At least I am going to camp soon. I need to be away. To meet new people. To be a leader. To make a difference. To grow. To change.
Yea, to get the fuck outta here,
figure out what I want.

*sigh* I feel like my summer freedom is coming to an end shortly, but I know I couldn't survive here much longer anyway.

Now I'm rambling.
I think I got to the point.

I feel alright. Drifty. Alone.
But... I think I'm okay with it ...Even if it is a bit uncomfortable.