but I trusted other people
and then
I trusted myself.
I was honest,
And it paid off.

I am definitely smiling right now.

be too impulsive.





today has been good.
long.
dude...
i had so much to say earlier.
i should read,
and stop being foolish.

http://www.stgpresents.org/artists/?artist=1132

kinda wanna go to that.

need
want
do
think.

~~

so much urgency
and haste
in time that stands
still.

in something slow
moving
emotion evoked
that says there is no
time.
no time
to enjoy it all.

it may
move your feet
up and over and
down.
and around.
you may get somewhere
but you're going nowhere.

clock watching.
being late.
(time.
its all time.)

im the proud owner (borrower)
of a bible.
that should be fun.

package from Aunt Kathy
New Moon chocolates.

lunch. mongolian.
Becca.
god.

yea, feeling lost.
wandered out to see you.
excuse, HCC.
looked at pamphlets
cooper point. counter point.
both idiots.
laid on the couch. couldn't make it out.
felt creepy.

saw the Stranger.
the most accurate horoscope in existence
(wait, this isnt existence, it's a black hole)

cutouts
meaningless events.
all of it.

spray-on grass.
cover-up.
censored.

tired.
mellow.
not panicked, just fucking annoyed.
and lost.
i could cry.
but i dont want you to hear me.


Where to start on this damned book?
the beginning?
i should do my actual assigned reading first.

wanna watch Into the Wild tonight. doubt i will get to it.
Even if i did have time...
i wouldnt watch it.
i dont think.



oh... its probably better that I don't have Poisonwood with me while i read it.
but it does make it less enjoyable for me.


splayed thoughts.
raquetball sounds fun
and climbing.

just yea-fucking-right to everything i want.
monotonous.
meaningless.
duress
stress
im such a mess.

good bye.
i'll be sitting over there if you need me.

...

i know i need to talk to you
but even if i could, i don't know what I'd say.


Today was supposed to make me feel better. And well... I am back, far back, into my old state of thought.

Something
someone
make me come alive.

I feel better today.
I remembered something you said, and...

Anyway,
when Tyler left last night I felt like my life was over. I was so discouraged. So angry at myself, and him, and everyone and everything. I felt there was nothing that would make the pain stop.

And then Em came home crying too. And I just realized how disgusting it is that people suffer so much, even though they are amazing people, unlike anyone else. And I can't decide if they (we) suffer because of the things that make us different, or if we are different because we suffer. Or both. Or neither.

I don't know anything.
How to answer these questions.
How to deal with these things.
And neither does he, and neither do any of you.
No one knows anything,
because nothing is to be known concretely.
Everything changes, always.
Each situation is different, always.

But anyway, seeing Em like that (broken down, feeling inadequate just like me) and crying with her, knowing that we felt the same pain, and that we both wanted to change... that was empowering. That was what I needed, and what I think I sought with you, Zach. I hope you can do this by yourself, because I know I can't. I can't stand alone against the world.

what is that quote?
"Love is too people looking in the same direction."
something like that.
maybe its not true all the time...



---
i was interrupted while writing this. had a tutoring session.
when I was done with that, Roger (form CV last year) came in and sat down with me. I listened, waiting for him to give me some answers, from his age and wisdom.
His stories, written or told, were always my favorite.
He didn't say much that meant anything to me while we were sitting there, but I do like listening to his stories.
As he started to get up to leave, he looked at me and said "I can still stand up." He braced his hands against the table, and made a brief struggle out of his chair.
I stared, proud,
and slightly confused.
"I was supposed to be in a wheelchair a few years ago. I avoid that by the mere fact that I just keep walking."
And he walked
away.

inherently flawed.

i brush it off and try
to stand up.
tonight won't hurt
so much.

but then
i hear her come in
walk, cry.
she hears me call
to her.
i go to her.
we stand facing ourselves,
nemesis' selves in the mirror.
heads bowed down.
shamed
at what
we see.
we don't want
what
we see.
because
we don't fit
anywhere
unless we deny
everything we are, believe, feel.

we choke back tears.
the combined noise would shatter
their world.
our world cast in shadows.
we find light
in brief moments with those who share
in the emptiness.
we find
false comfort
--like the warm shower water,
the heated bed sheets,
which hold us.
as it washes over
as it falls from our shoulders.

smells in clothes you left
fade
and that glass in the place you left it
will be knocked over
in time.

and maybe I
will be left behind.

i have no clue, no fucking clue, what that is anymore.

"How weird it was to think that three days before we never could have fathomed getting close to someone. that three days before we each had our own burdens, and couldnt imagine that there would soon be someone else to help us carry them. fuck. i feel as though i'm being overly romantic about her though. but i guess that's who i am."
-Nygil on Ari
(hope you don't mind me stealing this.)

a handful of caramel candies
2 bean and cheese quesadillas
Honeydew

then Alicia and I went to the store. On the way we had a jig performed for us by two drunken Irishmen who danced with us. And then we picked up some snacks.

apples with peanut butter
cheese puffs
wafer cookies

when we got back Em had pomegranate ready for us.

It was all very delicious, but
that's a whole lotta food in place of a whole lotta nothing else,
and on top of no running either.
*sigh*
i look like shit
feel like shit.

I'm gonna go read.

the sky is clear. the moon is out.
star tripping?
or maybe just some gazing tonight...

my hand is so tired I can hardly type. I just wrote a couple reflections on Writing Sessions. I'm not hungry (I haven't run for 2 days...and I ate a big lunch). I think I'm just exhausted. But I got... a pretty good amount of sleep last night.

Well... after I cried hysterically for about 2 hours. What is wrong with me?
I think I would have cried less but my mom called me right in the middle of my breakdown, and so I explained everything to her. And it helped to talk to someone who understood exactly why I am so broken right now. She gets me, and how I react to things. And she gets that the combination of everything that has happened in these past few weeks justifiably amounts to a bit of insanity.
After the talk, I crawled into my bed, with my electric blanket on high, and cuddled up with timber, the shirt that's still on my bed, and my pillow and just tried to feel like I wasn't as alone as I felt.
I felt so alone last night. Em didn't get back until after I stopped crying... and no one else has been in the apartment all weekend, except Tyler briefly, and Em's friends.

Class was great today though. Seminar was good and peer review was awesome. Everyone in my group loved my paper, and I was pretty impressed myself, considering the conditions under which I was trying to function this weekend. Anyway, the fact that the paper I wrote was so solid, means I have much less work to do this week, revision-wise. I got a jump-start on my Spanish when I was distracting myself yesterday, and so I just need to do some research for a presentation tomorrow night, and start delving into reading Hungry Planet.

I feel like passing out. 4 intense tutoring sessions in a row tonight. One was an English Language Learner. Then next was working on his first evaluation. The third was working with content that was way over either of our heads and had to write a 10 page paper on it by Friday. And the last one was a kid who didn't seem to care at all about anything I said. It was an emotionally, intellectually packed 2 and 1/2 hours.

Em is making quesadillas tonight, so I don't have to worry about dinner.
Oh... ok, my stomach does really want food right now. hah.

As far as emotionally, I did better for the majority of the day. But after a long day, good or bad, I don't want to go back to the other realities I have to face. Last Monday, even though my school day was horrible, I had something to look forward to. Simple as it was, it made me happy, and made all the shit worth going through.

Im off.
Im out.

mistake.

fuck.

broken.

hah. hope that wasn't a mistake.

taking everything from me to not break.

so who's gonna watch you die?"

Just a couple things:
-Survive until Wednesday. (BECCA VISITS!!)
-Follow your rules. (*see journal*)
-Remember to eat. (If you can't feed yourself, Em will feed you.)
-Work hard. Run. Sleep.
-Extra time goes to creativity.

With Plague
and freezing toes.
The wall;
the sound
of silence
and
crunch
click
swish.
I can
go.
I can
do.
But it's nothing special.

broken shoes.
sandals.