"...but still cough down our sleeves."



yup.

that pretty much sums it up.


------------
I forgot everything I wanted to write.
I guess I wanted to talk about my dream the other night... so fucked up (I will probably write about it later). I woke up disillusioned.

Then, I had to go to the last day of training for the internship, and we were at the organic farmhouse. yeaa. It was boring, but I was finding interest in it, and would have gotten along fine until some cramps started coming on. I dug through my bag and emerged with two advil. yea... not enough. But i took em, and kept drinking water, but the pain only worsened and worsened. It was... horrific actually, if I had to describe it in a word. I was practically in tears trying to hold back my screams of pain, along with the agony of knowing I still had an hour and a half until I could start the 20 minute walk back to my bed, where I could turn on my electric blanket and writhe in pain freely. I didnt want to get up, and worry the whole class by bolting out the door. I pinched myself to try to redirect my pain sensors, stretched my legs, i scribbled madly on my page to try to relax my lower body. Nothing... just more and more and more pain.

As chance goes, the supervisors announced a 5 minute break about .5 seconds before I would have collapsed to the floor...
At that time, I did literally bolt to the bathroom where I could at least puke if I needed to. I felt nauseous, dizzy. My pants were constricting my legs, and the pain had spread from my abdomin down into my thighs (which hurt already because I had run a couple miles the day before.) I gagged a couple times, and lost my balance for a minute... once I got out of there (which was an endeavor in itself because the toilet wouldnt flush), I limped outside and began pacing up and down a hill, trying to disperse the pain, or at least keep my mind elsewhere. Nothing worked. With fervor, but no real purpose, I quickly made my way to the kitchen and paced in there. Hot cold hot cold. My body couldnt decide. I had left my long-sleeved shirt at my table because I had been burning up. Now I was shivering. Tears welling up. No one noticed.

I tried to get Sandy's attention, and waiting for her conversation to be done as I tried to keep cool. I went onto the porch and leaned over when the nausea came back. Finally she was free. She asked what was up and I choked out "I think Im gonna be sick."
What? what's wrong?
Cramps. *tears start streaming*
Oh... go sit down outside. I will get you water.

She tells me not to come in when they reconviene. I couldnt have anyway. I literally felt like I was going to die. I was burning up, but my body temperature must have dropped cause I was shivering like mad and started practically convulsing, rolling around on this porch, breathing in and out so quick that it sounded like I was giving birth. This went on for at least 15 minutes, though it could have passed as an hour if I didnt know better. Eventually I could calm down, cause the cramps would subside, but then return in little waves of hellish pain.
I was pretty much over the pain just about the same time that "class" was over. I got up, and felt completely drained of life. I was covered in sweat and tears and little pieces of wood from the porch. My hair was absolutely out of control. And I could hardly walk.

I gathered my things, put on my warmer shirt, signed up for my desk training for next week, and asked Trevor to walk me back. He would, but wanted to help clean up. I couldnt wait. I just wanted my bed. And food.

I texted Alicia telling her I needed her to start heading my way. I wanted to get to the Greenery to meet her. She didnt respond. But my roommate sent me a text just then telling me some really good news. It energize me a bit, so I made it to Red Square. I decided the only way I was getting to the Greenery, on the fourth floor of the Library was to take the elevator. Some other people were on it, and they tried to make conversation, but I failed miserably. I ran into Alicia in the hall, and she had just finished eating, but she saw how bad I looked and came with me to get some food. I only had the stomach for cereal. So I got that and we went and sat in the sun. The rest of that meal was pretty... interesting. I had potatoes too. And this kid, Mark came and sat with us. I introduced him to Alicia, cause I knew they were in the same program.
They did most of the talking.
I felt like melting through the cracks on the bench.

Alicia and I hung out. I can't remember what we did. I think played cards.
Then... Ben came, and we went to his apartment, where Rob and Ian live too. Chris was there and Zarina, and their dog, Rambo, who was so cute! and people started drinking, and I got overwhelmed, still feeling drained. I was pretty hyper and weird (if you know me, you know how I get when I have no energy).
I went to Tylers. They made me more food, and we watch stupid television, which i laughed at hysterically, which was about all i was capable of at that point.

Then, at midnight, they went to bed, and i came back to my dorm, got ready for bed, and passed out.

You know what i just remembered?
that was ALL yesterday.
haha. it seems like a week ago.

I went on a longer run today... maybe a mile longer. it was difficult, but amazing.
anywho...
I will write about today tomorrow.
thinking about all that drained me again. plus its 2:30am.

Nygil will be here soon (today/tomorrow/whatever you wanna call it). I hope he gets here in the morning, or at least, not late at night. it will be fun seeing him.

I might run again tomorrow. but maybe I should rest my body for a day... its kinda been through a lot.