so i got away.
i went to the beach with Carolyn and Tyler, Eric and Daniel. swimming was wonderful. and the fire.

then i went to Seattle with Becca to have dinner with Mom. We met at Nathan's and Dad came too. I was really excited but then found out Nathan's boss and wife were coming. It completely changed the dynamics and really pissed me off. I feel ripped off. I wanted time with Mom and Becca and if Dad and Nathan wanted time with those idiots then they could have gone somewhere else.
Ugg, I don't know why I'm so pissed off about this. I just really didn't want to deal with shit last night. I just wanted to be with people who I love and trust and not fucking put on a face for people. FUCK!
Mom and I sat on the end and avoided the conversation until people started saying ignorant shit that I couldn't ignore so then I got involved and got even more pissed. It was stupid.
I was so angry. I wanted to scream in that stupid restaurant. Luckily I was texting Josh and had mom there. Josh made me laugh, and excited for camp, and mom and I had a nice conversation, but I guess I wanted to be more honest with her than I was.

I don't want to go to a resort/on a tourist vacation. I want to Roatan to do volunteer work or something. I don't want to lay on a beach and eat food and be a fucking tourist. I mean, I know I'm gonna be tired after Peru, and I am going to "want" that, but I am also just gonna hate myself more for it. I keep trying to think of it differently. I am going to up my scuba certification. I don't want to use that for selfish purposes either. If scuba diving is going to be part of my life it is going to be for research or something that is going to help the world. So this week at Roatan will help me get there. Its also an opportunity to be with my family. But my family has a lot to offer and I don't want it to be wasted. I know my parents work hard and want a vacation, and I know my mom is staying longer to volunteer, but ugg...

I don't know. I just...

this quote that Em put up in our hallway:

"It drives those who would be kind kind, but you will grieve the more for it."

yea, that just sums up my existence.

look, im too fucking pissed off and too fucking tired to keep writing.
I stopped moving. I'm back here at my desk and it almost feels like I never left.

all I can do to stay sane now that I am back is think of:

being numb from the cold water and still feeling the waves crash over me,
the way the sky looked on the beach at night
the moon rise
the pale blend of colors in the morning

being in my moms arms,
laughing hysterically (even though everyone around me thinks im crazy/drunk)
the feeling of sleep.
---------------------------------


there were fireworks
and I couldn't enjoy them.
what do we sacrifice for brief moments of spectacular colored explosions of light?
the clarity of the air, in sound and composition.
we breathe more shallowly
we jump at the sound
we lose the stars.