Maybe I learned these lessons early... made these mistakes before other people did, but I can't help but be offended by what is going on right now. I mean, I really shouldnt be surprised. Friendship. When has that ever meant anything lasting or loyal? People betray eachother with their feelings, and their actions. Its just how it is. Even though I always understand the possibility of this happening, I trust most people I know with my heart... and that continually seems to turn into a mistake. Unfortunatly it is the only way I know how to live, and it is something I believe in... to give someone trust until they give you a reason not to, and even then, to do your best to forgive them, or be understanding about the situation. That was how I was raised, and it is how I try to live my life.

It keeps getting more difficult though. It has happened so much. Betrayal.
So now, while it seems that I become more open to people, it is only because I am hardening to them. Because I am getting stronger and realizing that everyone lets everyone else down, and that is just to be expected. And people will do things to fulfill their own motives, regardless of how it may affect others. I know I have done this too, but I try really hard not to. I'm sure others try too.


This is why though... why I want to wander. Why one place will never satisfy me. Because while it is new, there can hardly be betrayal. But trust and comfort move on with time...
Maybe PSF is the place for me. People can move in and out of my life, as they move in and out of that place... and I can be somewhere, doing something that makes me happy.

I just want ONE person. One person I can travel with, who I can trust, who I can talk to. The wonderful thing about this trip was Ben and I. We stuck together. We had eachother and thats all we needed (well, I guess I will just speak for myself). And while we were here, nothing was going to happen to that. We lived in the same hostal, slept in the same bed, for 3 weeks straight, and then traveled across the country together and dealt with a lot of physical pain, emotional discomfort, ect. We fought twice. Twice out of all this non-stop time together, and they lasted maybe 10 minutes before we apologized.
It makes me sick that this is going to end. That we are going to go back to our respective home-lives and that things will probably never be like this again. Remember when I was writing about how being at PSF was pretty much the best part of my life? He was a part of that... a huge part.

I have had tears welled up in my eyes for days... I can't get them to go away, and I certainly can't get them to come out. They are just sitting there, along with this lump in my throat. As full as this trip made my heart, it also broke it. There is a deep fissure that I am trying to fill with the love I found here in Peru, but I know I can only keep that joy in my heart for so long, before it is nothing but memories. Even if I come back, it will never be the same.

Everything changes.
Everything ends.