You've been increasingly on my mind this past week and I feel recommitted to coming back to you after having a long period of doubt about that. I'm exhausted of thinking of it, but have to say how strange it seems that I wrote about extreme joy while I was there last, yet in current reflection and anticipation, anxiety is the pervasive emotion. I am drawn south still.

I sit in front of this screen. Broken heart. Working late. Science speak. Sun-struck ever-green.
I feel more alive in images. Petrol mart. Metal gate. Stinky sea. Sand-filled every-thing.

Where am I? Somewhere between here and there. Not here at all.

I'm tired.
Paper paper paper
demands and
words walls heart

They would all shake apart in your power, Peru. You aren't for paper people like me. But I would shred and set myself to the wind, and dance my way down to you. If I could.

Not now Not now
Not soon
but soon enough.

or rented

"callmedelilahtheniwouldn'tcare"

i am angry
and guilty
and ugly

i don't want to see anyone
or do anything

i feel beaten to near death.
my heart is hardly trying anymore

what can
how can...

i want to heal wholly.

i feel empty
i hate everything

i can't find hope
anywhere.

i am angry
i am guilty
i am sick
and sick of
you
and sick for
you
and sick with
anger
guilt
hatred because i fucking let myself love again.

you start memorizing delegate names a month and a half before delegate fly-in.

and broken things
like hearts
and banjo strings.

-------------------------

"That book uses a term for one's social clout with another based upon the 'weight' of a person's shadow. it amounts to showing one's intentions reduces the impact he or she desires, and therefore the weight of their shadow is reduced. high social interaction is then termed to a chess game of ones intentions versus how they wish to appear and the significant they wish to hold with that person. this idea just struck a deeper profundity with me tonight. we cast doubt about ourselves to hide the more simplistic nature of our acions and being, but by showing others the reason for casting our shadows we can hopefully allow them to lower their doubt-filled appearances in an effort to see the human shadow for all its worth. this notion is counter to human interaction in which we typically start with simple principals and hope to find a measure of greatness buried within. they're both fun thoughts to entertain and i thought you might enjoy toying with whether you are casting greatness to be boiled down to simplicity, or simplicity to be refined to greatness."

in my research today I was looking through old emails to find some of the resources Uncle David sent me last year. I came across an email from while I was in Peru where he talked about meeting an Evergreen faculty member, Rob Knapp at a conference he went to. Rob ended up being one of my teachers this year and so I thought I'd reply and tell David about it. Upon reading the rest of the email I remembered that he was going to be in North Bend the day he wrote it and that seemed like it must have been around this time last year. I looked at the date of the email and it was May 8th. Thought it was funny that I came across the email a year later to the day.

May 8th was also my first day in Pisco. Pisco created a context for my research and exploration of adobe as a seismically resistant material. For a year I have been looking for reason to continue believing in its potential in that regard, and I found a glimmer of it today. So... even though I'm not getting much done, I kinda feel like I'm on the right track.

World Housing Encyclopedia > Housing Reports > Peru > Reinforced Adobe

http://www.dcat.net/resources/Cascadia_Code_Report_Eisenberg_Persram.pdf

my uncle helped write and compile it and my dad contributed content as well, and i can't get my nose outta it today. i am trying to write my design principles, my inkwell article, and my own research report. and while i suppose this is related to all of those things, reading these ideas is blowing my ideas up and carrying me away from doing any solid work. seems to be a pattern lately. big ideas, little resulting product. i'm in this like, perpetual storming process...

anywho... i really just wanted to post this quote:

“Why do we have cars in garages when we have people sleeping on the streets?”
Martin Liefhebber of Breathe Architects

back to feeling light, and happy! like super happy. like super-cinco* happy.

*super-cinco is a term coined by my mom, who used it to describe the number 15 when trying to count in spanish. but now i'm using it to describe stuff.

"Days are just drops in the river to be lost always"
im typing at a wall and all i want is to be talking to someone.

i don't where to express what
or how.
so i'm just gonna type it out...

i feel really anxious
and aimless

last night i was memorized by the beauty of everything
performance
poetry
dance
love
and i was immersed in it; lost in it

and today...
i don't feel connected to anything

even though this morning was nice, the rest has been full of small-talk, seemingly unreceived large-talk, and numbing freeway car-travel.


mmm,
i'm sick of trying to make this article happen. what i'm saying doesn't matter
to me
right now, at least.
but i know how much it will suck getting a copy of inkwell next year without myself in it. though, it'd be worse if i hated what of myself was in it. (i shouldn't hate any of myself though, right?)

fuck
i'm just spiraling lower tonight.

its nice to see mom and dad. the kitties. becca comes tonight and nathan tomorrow.

other than that everything feels disgusting.
i just feel far away from meaning, and sorta wasted...


mocha doesn't like the saxophones at the end of this song.
i don't like the next song.
oh, but this one.
"in that dream I'm as old as the mountains!"
i don't know how to share with another. i feel confined in myself right now. maybe as it should be.
i don't know
i don't know

"i don't, i don't know who to believe..."

Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down




Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down

Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down
Lay me down

just thought of another escapist escapade.

i guess i need a tent.

and a moving truck
(...a dump truck would do)


moving out by June.

and broken things
like hearts
and buildings.


my rejection by whales.

"why don't we have tails?"


-------------------------------------------
"if you're a whale in your next life then i want to be your heart."
-------------------------------------------


foxes and cavemen

sunflower, sunburst


what's the fuckin difference?

anyway
I'm gonna go on a really long walk.
and sing and scream
but not right now
unfortunately.

in order to quicken the draining of the overflowed bathroom, my former roommate drilled a hole in the ceiling underneath.