its fading like a dream.
it was a dream.
but one I won't write down...
one so disturbing I just want to forget
and deny that my mind could concoct such a thing.

i don't know why I should be...

In 40 minutes I start 4 hours of work.
Just finished 4 hours of class.
Peer review was laid back, but I started to feel sick toward the end. Really sick. Nauseous and dizzy and feverish. We got done early so I took a nap on the couch. That felt good, and I felt even better after the potluck, which was full of healthy, delicious foods.
Lots of ideas in seminar, but at least it was just small groups, and we went out on Red Square. The fresh air helped keep back the nausea.
The information is overwhelming.
The truth is overwhelming.
Trying to comprehend so many different world views at once, and trying to see how my own fits in (or doesn't fit at all).

I'm exhausted.
and yet, I can't complain.
There are so many reasons I just can't complain...

Paper= finished.
Not my best... but I don't really feel like I need to give my best all the time anymore. Maybe that sounds like a cop-out, but really it is just one of the many ways I am changing right now. I feel like liberating myself of some of my old vices, and within this transition, I am simultaneously readopting some of my other vices --overeating for example. However, I think it balance out eventually. Its just one of those reactionary things...

It's 1:30 am. I need to get off to bed about 30 minutes ago to get a full night of sleep, but I also realize that I haven't don't any personal writing all weekend, and doubt I will get any semblance of sleep unless I purge myself of a few thoughts first. No thoughts in particular...

I just know that this weekend I found some truth, and some peace (along with some trouble, but there we are again with the balance). I danced, and actually felt like a dancer. I lived and actually felt alive. For the first time in so long, I just did what I wanted to do, and stopped worrying about anything else. It felt damn good too.
It helped that I hardly knew anyone at the party, but even still, I was just compelled to let my body and mind react to my surroundings how they would. At first, this scared me... I thought it meant I would end up getting wasted, or doing something weird like that (I had one sip of Ariel's drink which was enough for my body --or more accurately, my taste buds-- to tell me that was definitely not what I wanted). I laughed a lot. I talked to strangers. I danced for hours straight. I felt alive, and a part of something, and not outcast. Sure, I felt different from most the people there, but in a good way, which is a change for how I normally react mentally to environments like that.

I feel like what I am saying won't make sense to anyone else. I'm completely okay with that.

A lot of things that happened this weekend (mostly separate from the party), and last week, have just altered my perspective. Interactions with people is the main thing.




It's late. And tomorrow is a long day.
And... exciting. Yea, surprisingly that is the word I would use to describe it.
I am excited to discuss this book (Hungry Planet), and do peer review in integration papers.
We have a class potluck between the two, which should be exciting. (While I was writing my paper Ariel asked Em to make cookies for me to bring for my class, so thanks to both of them).
I also look forward to having a few tutoring sessions in the evening.
And there might be some other good things going on that I'm anticipating. ^_^


Couple Shoutouts:
Ariel for going on one heck of an adventure with me this weekend.
Carolyn, Mom, Rob, John, and public transit for making transport possible.
Ben J for the party; John/Matt for the place to crash. (James, we used your bed.)
Rob and Ben S and Ariel for sharing their fries with me. (Randy's!)
Emily, Carolyn, and Ariel for dancing the night away with me.
Ariel for having a point and shoot camera for capturing stupid pictures and video recording my attempts at stripteases/at being world class stage performing singer in our dorm/at dancing to dub-step with strobe lights.
Ben (other one) for not only dressing up as the Phantom, but for also staying in character and being able to appear out of thin air (and disappear suddenly) during our impromptu journey to Safeway.
Sean (Ben S's friend) for dressing up as Max from Where the Wild Things Are.
Kiera and Kyle for the fire dancing.
Mom and Dad for talking to me, and loving me no matter how crazy I am.
Caitlin for being my best friend, no matter how disconnected we are.
Tyler and Eric and Zach for placing 5th (or 8th) at their tournament.
Nygil and James for being two of my favorite people ever.
James for his Rocky Horror outfit.
Mom for making the best dinosaur costume ever.
Em for cookies.
Ariel for that fucking disgusting sign on the door reminding me to get my cookies in the morning.
Tyler for looking exactly like Mario (and for stopping by to see me tonight).
Ariel for a delicious dinner of rice and pasta (and in advance for forcing me to eat healthy this week, even if it means tying me down).

Alright, now I am just procrastinating.
GRAR!

Oh, I just remembered all the laundry we did today. Clean sheets any clothes! Even though it took so fucking long. aahhh, laundry parties.
I also swept my floor and shook my rugs out, out the window.
So I have a clean room! Yay!!

but I trusted other people
and then
I trusted myself.
I was honest,
And it paid off.

I am definitely smiling right now.

be too impulsive.





today has been good.
long.
dude...
i had so much to say earlier.
i should read,
and stop being foolish.

http://www.stgpresents.org/artists/?artist=1132

kinda wanna go to that.

need
want
do
think.

~~

so much urgency
and haste
in time that stands
still.

in something slow
moving
emotion evoked
that says there is no
time.
no time
to enjoy it all.

it may
move your feet
up and over and
down.
and around.
you may get somewhere
but you're going nowhere.

clock watching.
being late.
(time.
its all time.)

im the proud owner (borrower)
of a bible.
that should be fun.

package from Aunt Kathy
New Moon chocolates.

lunch. mongolian.
Becca.
god.

yea, feeling lost.
wandered out to see you.
excuse, HCC.
looked at pamphlets
cooper point. counter point.
both idiots.
laid on the couch. couldn't make it out.
felt creepy.

saw the Stranger.
the most accurate horoscope in existence
(wait, this isnt existence, it's a black hole)

cutouts
meaningless events.
all of it.

spray-on grass.
cover-up.
censored.

tired.
mellow.
not panicked, just fucking annoyed.
and lost.
i could cry.
but i dont want you to hear me.


Where to start on this damned book?
the beginning?
i should do my actual assigned reading first.

wanna watch Into the Wild tonight. doubt i will get to it.
Even if i did have time...
i wouldnt watch it.
i dont think.



oh... its probably better that I don't have Poisonwood with me while i read it.
but it does make it less enjoyable for me.


splayed thoughts.
raquetball sounds fun
and climbing.

just yea-fucking-right to everything i want.
monotonous.
meaningless.
duress
stress
im such a mess.

good bye.
i'll be sitting over there if you need me.

...

i know i need to talk to you
but even if i could, i don't know what I'd say.


Today was supposed to make me feel better. And well... I am back, far back, into my old state of thought.

Something
someone
make me come alive.

I feel better today.
I remembered something you said, and...

Anyway,
when Tyler left last night I felt like my life was over. I was so discouraged. So angry at myself, and him, and everyone and everything. I felt there was nothing that would make the pain stop.

And then Em came home crying too. And I just realized how disgusting it is that people suffer so much, even though they are amazing people, unlike anyone else. And I can't decide if they (we) suffer because of the things that make us different, or if we are different because we suffer. Or both. Or neither.

I don't know anything.
How to answer these questions.
How to deal with these things.
And neither does he, and neither do any of you.
No one knows anything,
because nothing is to be known concretely.
Everything changes, always.
Each situation is different, always.

But anyway, seeing Em like that (broken down, feeling inadequate just like me) and crying with her, knowing that we felt the same pain, and that we both wanted to change... that was empowering. That was what I needed, and what I think I sought with you, Zach. I hope you can do this by yourself, because I know I can't. I can't stand alone against the world.

what is that quote?
"Love is too people looking in the same direction."
something like that.
maybe its not true all the time...



---
i was interrupted while writing this. had a tutoring session.
when I was done with that, Roger (form CV last year) came in and sat down with me. I listened, waiting for him to give me some answers, from his age and wisdom.
His stories, written or told, were always my favorite.
He didn't say much that meant anything to me while we were sitting there, but I do like listening to his stories.
As he started to get up to leave, he looked at me and said "I can still stand up." He braced his hands against the table, and made a brief struggle out of his chair.
I stared, proud,
and slightly confused.
"I was supposed to be in a wheelchair a few years ago. I avoid that by the mere fact that I just keep walking."
And he walked
away.

inherently flawed.

i brush it off and try
to stand up.
tonight won't hurt
so much.

but then
i hear her come in
walk, cry.
she hears me call
to her.
i go to her.
we stand facing ourselves,
nemesis' selves in the mirror.
heads bowed down.
shamed
at what
we see.
we don't want
what
we see.
because
we don't fit
anywhere
unless we deny
everything we are, believe, feel.

we choke back tears.
the combined noise would shatter
their world.
our world cast in shadows.
we find light
in brief moments with those who share
in the emptiness.
we find
false comfort
--like the warm shower water,
the heated bed sheets,
which hold us.
as it washes over
as it falls from our shoulders.

smells in clothes you left
fade
and that glass in the place you left it
will be knocked over
in time.

and maybe I
will be left behind.

i have no clue, no fucking clue, what that is anymore.

"How weird it was to think that three days before we never could have fathomed getting close to someone. that three days before we each had our own burdens, and couldnt imagine that there would soon be someone else to help us carry them. fuck. i feel as though i'm being overly romantic about her though. but i guess that's who i am."
-Nygil on Ari
(hope you don't mind me stealing this.)

a handful of caramel candies
2 bean and cheese quesadillas
Honeydew

then Alicia and I went to the store. On the way we had a jig performed for us by two drunken Irishmen who danced with us. And then we picked up some snacks.

apples with peanut butter
cheese puffs
wafer cookies

when we got back Em had pomegranate ready for us.

It was all very delicious, but
that's a whole lotta food in place of a whole lotta nothing else,
and on top of no running either.
*sigh*
i look like shit
feel like shit.

I'm gonna go read.

the sky is clear. the moon is out.
star tripping?
or maybe just some gazing tonight...

my hand is so tired I can hardly type. I just wrote a couple reflections on Writing Sessions. I'm not hungry (I haven't run for 2 days...and I ate a big lunch). I think I'm just exhausted. But I got... a pretty good amount of sleep last night.

Well... after I cried hysterically for about 2 hours. What is wrong with me?
I think I would have cried less but my mom called me right in the middle of my breakdown, and so I explained everything to her. And it helped to talk to someone who understood exactly why I am so broken right now. She gets me, and how I react to things. And she gets that the combination of everything that has happened in these past few weeks justifiably amounts to a bit of insanity.
After the talk, I crawled into my bed, with my electric blanket on high, and cuddled up with timber, the shirt that's still on my bed, and my pillow and just tried to feel like I wasn't as alone as I felt.
I felt so alone last night. Em didn't get back until after I stopped crying... and no one else has been in the apartment all weekend, except Tyler briefly, and Em's friends.

Class was great today though. Seminar was good and peer review was awesome. Everyone in my group loved my paper, and I was pretty impressed myself, considering the conditions under which I was trying to function this weekend. Anyway, the fact that the paper I wrote was so solid, means I have much less work to do this week, revision-wise. I got a jump-start on my Spanish when I was distracting myself yesterday, and so I just need to do some research for a presentation tomorrow night, and start delving into reading Hungry Planet.

I feel like passing out. 4 intense tutoring sessions in a row tonight. One was an English Language Learner. Then next was working on his first evaluation. The third was working with content that was way over either of our heads and had to write a 10 page paper on it by Friday. And the last one was a kid who didn't seem to care at all about anything I said. It was an emotionally, intellectually packed 2 and 1/2 hours.

Em is making quesadillas tonight, so I don't have to worry about dinner.
Oh... ok, my stomach does really want food right now. hah.

As far as emotionally, I did better for the majority of the day. But after a long day, good or bad, I don't want to go back to the other realities I have to face. Last Monday, even though my school day was horrible, I had something to look forward to. Simple as it was, it made me happy, and made all the shit worth going through.

Im off.
Im out.

mistake.

fuck.

broken.

hah. hope that wasn't a mistake.

taking everything from me to not break.