There is so much to write.
Let's start with yesterday:
I went on an amazing run. Maybe I just run so I can feel less guilt about eating. And probably also because half my pants dont fit anymore.... apparently the 15 pounds I gained over the summer all went to my ass.
For whatever reason I was motivated to run a mile more than my normal route, I did it. And it hurt. But then it felt great.
Then I went to eat, but the Greenery was closed. I ran into Alicia and she came with me to get pizza at the Market. We walked back to my apartment and I took a shower. We went into town to Goodwill so I could get some shirts to cut up, and experiment with using that book my mom got me. When we got back to campus she went to dinner at the Greenery and I went to Tyler's where we watched part of the Terminator and most of Top Gun, while Zach made us dinner. Dinner was wonderful: Meatloaf, asparagus, and fruit salad. Alicia joined us for Top Gun. Then the guys were gonna go to a Frisbee party, so Alicia and I went to wait for her mom to come get her. We hung out, spying on people from her 5th story window. Then we went to my place and I started making some leggings out of the teeshirts I bought. After she was picked up, i finished the leggings, and went on a walk with Tyler. We ended up working on a puzzle that their RA gave them for a competition. We had some really pointless conversation, for which I was arguing just for the sake of being a pain in the ass. I dont even remember what the premise was. We did good on the puzzle. At about 2, they went to bed cause they had a tournement today. I came back, and wrote on here.
Some guy came to the door and I opened the door without checking, which could have been a mistake. The guy was drunk and high and thought this was a different apartment than it was. He tried to kinda weasle his way in but I told him he had the wrong place and shut the door.
He came back like an hour later and Em woke up. I told her not to open the door and he heard me and begged to come in and find his backpack. She cussed him out and told him she would call police services. He left.
I went to bed.
This morning I slept in. Went to the Greenery... and I dont feel like getting into that story again. But on my way out of that situation, I ran into Ben and Rob and their friends, and they asked where I was going and what was wrong, but I was just too mad to give a sane answer. They didnt follow me. But later they both made an effort to make sure I was okay. Anyway. There was no one on campus I could think to go talk to. I felt trapped and alone. Alicia is gone, and so was Tyler, though even if he was around, he wasnt the ideal person to talk to at that specific moment.
Anyway... I finally got back to my apartment, threw my shit down and went and cried to Ariel. She was really sweet about it, and actually ended up being the right person to talk to, cause she understood why I was so upset, and she decided to take me to a movie and lunch, her treat. (She ROCKS, btw.) We ended up going to Johnny Rockets, and seeing Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs. At the restaurant, Aja was working and so I talked with her, mentioning Nygil, and she told me to tell him Hi for her. I think she is adorable. She was so apoligetic about them running out of class cups and giving me a compostable one. hahaha. What a sweatheart.
The movie was fantastic. I laughed and laughed and laughed and almost cried. And I saw it with the right person for sure, cause we both laughed at absolutely everything. It was... a beautiful couple of hours.
We also decided that the theater was definately good enough to see New Moon in, so we ended up buying our tickets!!! GAAAHH I am so fucking stoked.
We already have a tenative plan for that night, aside from how we are getting back to Evergreen at 2am that morning. xD
I donno who else is coming, but they better buy their tickets fast, cause they are going.
Oh, and even before New Moon, Where the Wild Thing Are comes out. I am sooooo excited for that too! The trailer is... stunning.
Anyway, we got back to campus, and she made a pizza. Then Mark, from next door, came over asking for cake. And so we all ate cake. And he told us about a show he was going to. I probably should have gone too... but I was pretty emotionally drained, and not really feeling music blasting in my ears. Next weekend I hope to do something fun like that though.
But yea, Ariel have just been chillin, listening to music in her room. She is altering a shirt from the book.
I might go talk to Tyler when he is back from his tournement afterparty, but I dont really even know if the Greenery thing is even significant enough to bring up. Plus... it almost has less to do with him, and more to do with his friends, and also, how I over-react to bullshit.
Whatever.
Oh, one more thing.
I got two packages yesterday. One was books for school, forwarded by my mom, and a beautiful note that she wrote me.
The other was a book that my Aunt sent me. She is my dad's sister, but she is friends with me on facebook and had read one of my blogs, and sent me a really sweet message about a month ago, telling me she was going to send me this book called "Let Your Life Speak." She sent that, stationary, a pen, a thick mailing envelope, stamps, and a little notebook. It was truely touching. I've only met the woman like once.
Anywho.
So there is the good and bad of the past few days.
Nygil didnt come today, but he AND Sean will be here tomorrow, so that is pretty cool. Im excited to give him a hug. :P
I'm feeling nauseous again...
but now its for a different reason.
When you feel physical pain, you wish that it was emotional pain, because you feel like you can control or deal with that better.
But at least physical pain doesn't attack your character.
Doesn't destroy what once was real to you.
You can't unhear things.
That idea pissed me off enough when I heard some Twilight spoilers.
But... when you hear someone talking about your life, so freely, as if they know who you are, and they know the questions you have about things that happened, and they know how to get to your heart...
that's a whole different story.
its like... the cliche high school scene in some teen soap opera when the girl overhears her new cheerleaders "friends" talking shit about her in the hall.
I was sitting right there, right in the sunlight, 20 feet from them.
He was speaking loud enough for me to hear, so either he knew I was there, or he just didnt care to look around.
fuck.
I just HAD to get to the Greenery early.
I just HAD to sit outside.
its funny, because last night, and all week really, i thought these were the people I would spend most of my time with this year.
now i get why they don't mind my presence.
I can boost their egos cause i'm a girl, without being intimidating in any way, cause im just too fucking plain.
its now clear enough that invitations were more of sympathy cards anyway.
so fuck that.
fuck them.
im fucking better than that. way fucking better.
... after listening to the conversation until it was over.
i didnt know if i should sit there and pretend not to exist,
or walk out with my hair covering my face...
i was gonna be sick, so i quickly and quietly grabbed my still-full plate, my half empty glass of water, and slipped my flip flops on. i walked past them with my hair falling in the way, but i peaked through the strands, and the gossiper was hanging his head.
maybe out of shame, maybe he noticed me.
but more likely, he was feeling the warmth of sun on he back, a reward for putting me back in my place.
i honestly don't know what to feel about myself.
or him,
or you,
or any of them.
as much as i love my roommates, and my room, and as much as i will enjoy my classes and my job... i want to be in Peru. At least then if people talk about me, i cant understand what they are saying.
but now its for a different reason.
When you feel physical pain, you wish that it was emotional pain, because you feel like you can control or deal with that better.
But at least physical pain doesn't attack your character.
Doesn't destroy what once was real to you.
You can't unhear things.
That idea pissed me off enough when I heard some Twilight spoilers.
But... when you hear someone talking about your life, so freely, as if they know who you are, and they know the questions you have about things that happened, and they know how to get to your heart...
that's a whole different story.
its like... the cliche high school scene in some teen soap opera when the girl overhears her new cheerleaders "friends" talking shit about her in the hall.
I was sitting right there, right in the sunlight, 20 feet from them.
He was speaking loud enough for me to hear, so either he knew I was there, or he just didnt care to look around.
fuck.
I just HAD to get to the Greenery early.
I just HAD to sit outside.
its funny, because last night, and all week really, i thought these were the people I would spend most of my time with this year.
now i get why they don't mind my presence.
I can boost their egos cause i'm a girl, without being intimidating in any way, cause im just too fucking plain.
its now clear enough that invitations were more of sympathy cards anyway.
so fuck that.
fuck them.
im fucking better than that. way fucking better.
... after listening to the conversation until it was over.
i didnt know if i should sit there and pretend not to exist,
or walk out with my hair covering my face...
i was gonna be sick, so i quickly and quietly grabbed my still-full plate, my half empty glass of water, and slipped my flip flops on. i walked past them with my hair falling in the way, but i peaked through the strands, and the gossiper was hanging his head.
maybe out of shame, maybe he noticed me.
but more likely, he was feeling the warmth of sun on he back, a reward for putting me back in my place.
i honestly don't know what to feel about myself.
or him,
or you,
or any of them.
as much as i love my roommates, and my room, and as much as i will enjoy my classes and my job... i want to be in Peru. At least then if people talk about me, i cant understand what they are saying.
"...but still cough down our sleeves."
yup.
that pretty much sums it up.
------------
I forgot everything I wanted to write.
I guess I wanted to talk about my dream the other night... so fucked up (I will probably write about it later). I woke up disillusioned.
Then, I had to go to the last day of training for the internship, and we were at the organic farmhouse. yeaa. It was boring, but I was finding interest in it, and would have gotten along fine until some cramps started coming on. I dug through my bag and emerged with two advil. yea... not enough. But i took em, and kept drinking water, but the pain only worsened and worsened. It was... horrific actually, if I had to describe it in a word. I was practically in tears trying to hold back my screams of pain, along with the agony of knowing I still had an hour and a half until I could start the 20 minute walk back to my bed, where I could turn on my electric blanket and writhe in pain freely. I didnt want to get up, and worry the whole class by bolting out the door. I pinched myself to try to redirect my pain sensors, stretched my legs, i scribbled madly on my page to try to relax my lower body. Nothing... just more and more and more pain.
As chance goes, the supervisors announced a 5 minute break about .5 seconds before I would have collapsed to the floor...
At that time, I did literally bolt to the bathroom where I could at least puke if I needed to. I felt nauseous, dizzy. My pants were constricting my legs, and the pain had spread from my abdomin down into my thighs (which hurt already because I had run a couple miles the day before.) I gagged a couple times, and lost my balance for a minute... once I got out of there (which was an endeavor in itself because the toilet wouldnt flush), I limped outside and began pacing up and down a hill, trying to disperse the pain, or at least keep my mind elsewhere. Nothing worked. With fervor, but no real purpose, I quickly made my way to the kitchen and paced in there. Hot cold hot cold. My body couldnt decide. I had left my long-sleeved shirt at my table because I had been burning up. Now I was shivering. Tears welling up. No one noticed.
I tried to get Sandy's attention, and waiting for her conversation to be done as I tried to keep cool. I went onto the porch and leaned over when the nausea came back. Finally she was free. She asked what was up and I choked out "I think Im gonna be sick."
What? what's wrong?
Cramps. *tears start streaming*
Oh... go sit down outside. I will get you water.
She tells me not to come in when they reconviene. I couldnt have anyway. I literally felt like I was going to die. I was burning up, but my body temperature must have dropped cause I was shivering like mad and started practically convulsing, rolling around on this porch, breathing in and out so quick that it sounded like I was giving birth. This went on for at least 15 minutes, though it could have passed as an hour if I didnt know better. Eventually I could calm down, cause the cramps would subside, but then return in little waves of hellish pain.
I was pretty much over the pain just about the same time that "class" was over. I got up, and felt completely drained of life. I was covered in sweat and tears and little pieces of wood from the porch. My hair was absolutely out of control. And I could hardly walk.
I gathered my things, put on my warmer shirt, signed up for my desk training for next week, and asked Trevor to walk me back. He would, but wanted to help clean up. I couldnt wait. I just wanted my bed. And food.
I texted Alicia telling her I needed her to start heading my way. I wanted to get to the Greenery to meet her. She didnt respond. But my roommate sent me a text just then telling me some really good news. It energize me a bit, so I made it to Red Square. I decided the only way I was getting to the Greenery, on the fourth floor of the Library was to take the elevator. Some other people were on it, and they tried to make conversation, but I failed miserably. I ran into Alicia in the hall, and she had just finished eating, but she saw how bad I looked and came with me to get some food. I only had the stomach for cereal. So I got that and we went and sat in the sun. The rest of that meal was pretty... interesting. I had potatoes too. And this kid, Mark came and sat with us. I introduced him to Alicia, cause I knew they were in the same program.
They did most of the talking.
I felt like melting through the cracks on the bench.
Alicia and I hung out. I can't remember what we did. I think played cards.
Then... Ben came, and we went to his apartment, where Rob and Ian live too. Chris was there and Zarina, and their dog, Rambo, who was so cute! and people started drinking, and I got overwhelmed, still feeling drained. I was pretty hyper and weird (if you know me, you know how I get when I have no energy).
I went to Tylers. They made me more food, and we watch stupid television, which i laughed at hysterically, which was about all i was capable of at that point.
Then, at midnight, they went to bed, and i came back to my dorm, got ready for bed, and passed out.
You know what i just remembered?
that was ALL yesterday.
haha. it seems like a week ago.
I went on a longer run today... maybe a mile longer. it was difficult, but amazing.
anywho...
I will write about today tomorrow.
thinking about all that drained me again. plus its 2:30am.
Nygil will be here soon (today/tomorrow/whatever you wanna call it). I hope he gets here in the morning, or at least, not late at night. it will be fun seeing him.
I might run again tomorrow. but maybe I should rest my body for a day... its kinda been through a lot.
yup.
that pretty much sums it up.
------------
I forgot everything I wanted to write.
I guess I wanted to talk about my dream the other night... so fucked up (I will probably write about it later). I woke up disillusioned.
Then, I had to go to the last day of training for the internship, and we were at the organic farmhouse. yeaa. It was boring, but I was finding interest in it, and would have gotten along fine until some cramps started coming on. I dug through my bag and emerged with two advil. yea... not enough. But i took em, and kept drinking water, but the pain only worsened and worsened. It was... horrific actually, if I had to describe it in a word. I was practically in tears trying to hold back my screams of pain, along with the agony of knowing I still had an hour and a half until I could start the 20 minute walk back to my bed, where I could turn on my electric blanket and writhe in pain freely. I didnt want to get up, and worry the whole class by bolting out the door. I pinched myself to try to redirect my pain sensors, stretched my legs, i scribbled madly on my page to try to relax my lower body. Nothing... just more and more and more pain.
As chance goes, the supervisors announced a 5 minute break about .5 seconds before I would have collapsed to the floor...
At that time, I did literally bolt to the bathroom where I could at least puke if I needed to. I felt nauseous, dizzy. My pants were constricting my legs, and the pain had spread from my abdomin down into my thighs (which hurt already because I had run a couple miles the day before.) I gagged a couple times, and lost my balance for a minute... once I got out of there (which was an endeavor in itself because the toilet wouldnt flush), I limped outside and began pacing up and down a hill, trying to disperse the pain, or at least keep my mind elsewhere. Nothing worked. With fervor, but no real purpose, I quickly made my way to the kitchen and paced in there. Hot cold hot cold. My body couldnt decide. I had left my long-sleeved shirt at my table because I had been burning up. Now I was shivering. Tears welling up. No one noticed.
I tried to get Sandy's attention, and waiting for her conversation to be done as I tried to keep cool. I went onto the porch and leaned over when the nausea came back. Finally she was free. She asked what was up and I choked out "I think Im gonna be sick."
What? what's wrong?
Cramps. *tears start streaming*
Oh... go sit down outside. I will get you water.
She tells me not to come in when they reconviene. I couldnt have anyway. I literally felt like I was going to die. I was burning up, but my body temperature must have dropped cause I was shivering like mad and started practically convulsing, rolling around on this porch, breathing in and out so quick that it sounded like I was giving birth. This went on for at least 15 minutes, though it could have passed as an hour if I didnt know better. Eventually I could calm down, cause the cramps would subside, but then return in little waves of hellish pain.
I was pretty much over the pain just about the same time that "class" was over. I got up, and felt completely drained of life. I was covered in sweat and tears and little pieces of wood from the porch. My hair was absolutely out of control. And I could hardly walk.
I gathered my things, put on my warmer shirt, signed up for my desk training for next week, and asked Trevor to walk me back. He would, but wanted to help clean up. I couldnt wait. I just wanted my bed. And food.
I texted Alicia telling her I needed her to start heading my way. I wanted to get to the Greenery to meet her. She didnt respond. But my roommate sent me a text just then telling me some really good news. It energize me a bit, so I made it to Red Square. I decided the only way I was getting to the Greenery, on the fourth floor of the Library was to take the elevator. Some other people were on it, and they tried to make conversation, but I failed miserably. I ran into Alicia in the hall, and she had just finished eating, but she saw how bad I looked and came with me to get some food. I only had the stomach for cereal. So I got that and we went and sat in the sun. The rest of that meal was pretty... interesting. I had potatoes too. And this kid, Mark came and sat with us. I introduced him to Alicia, cause I knew they were in the same program.
They did most of the talking.
I felt like melting through the cracks on the bench.
Alicia and I hung out. I can't remember what we did. I think played cards.
Then... Ben came, and we went to his apartment, where Rob and Ian live too. Chris was there and Zarina, and their dog, Rambo, who was so cute! and people started drinking, and I got overwhelmed, still feeling drained. I was pretty hyper and weird (if you know me, you know how I get when I have no energy).
I went to Tylers. They made me more food, and we watch stupid television, which i laughed at hysterically, which was about all i was capable of at that point.
Then, at midnight, they went to bed, and i came back to my dorm, got ready for bed, and passed out.
You know what i just remembered?
that was ALL yesterday.
haha. it seems like a week ago.
I went on a longer run today... maybe a mile longer. it was difficult, but amazing.
anywho...
I will write about today tomorrow.
thinking about all that drained me again. plus its 2:30am.
Nygil will be here soon (today/tomorrow/whatever you wanna call it). I hope he gets here in the morning, or at least, not late at night. it will be fun seeing him.
I might run again tomorrow. but maybe I should rest my body for a day... its kinda been through a lot.
There is so much to write about.
Yesterday was insane.
Today I went on a good run.
I need to go eat,
but by the time I get back, my internet will probably be down again. :/
Maybe I can do it at the library, though... I wanna be outside more today, or climbing/playing racquetball.
I also wanna go to Goodwill and grab some shirts I can cut up and experiment on.
Alicia is going home tonight.
I think I might stick around though.
This might be the only weekend I'm not swamped with work, and I kinda just wanna chill.
There are some things I need at home though, and I'd love to go see everybody.
I have 6 hours to decide though... so... yea.
Anywhoo. I'm fuckin starving.
I will write more later this weekend.
Yesterday was insane.
Today I went on a good run.
I need to go eat,
but by the time I get back, my internet will probably be down again. :/
Maybe I can do it at the library, though... I wanna be outside more today, or climbing/playing racquetball.
I also wanna go to Goodwill and grab some shirts I can cut up and experiment on.
Alicia is going home tonight.
I think I might stick around though.
This might be the only weekend I'm not swamped with work, and I kinda just wanna chill.
There are some things I need at home though, and I'd love to go see everybody.
I have 6 hours to decide though... so... yea.
Anywhoo. I'm fuckin starving.
I will write more later this weekend.
I just spent the last two hours salivating over the Seamester, and Semester at Sea websites.
I am going to do them. I have to. They are way too amazing to pass up.
So, how am I going to fit ALL of these opportunities into my undergrad?
Well... next year I will probably take INS and stay at Evergreen all year, working, studying, working, saving.
And then banking on how much money I manage to make, I will use the next year to do a Semester at Sea, and then a Sea|mester (or, more realistically, one or the other). Then I will maybe take some time off school to work, work, work, to pay back loans on the trip, or whatever.
I won't graduate after 4 years, but instead I will take another year at Evergreen doing upper division science.
Then finally, I graduate with my BA and BS, will have traveled much of the world, and will be ready for whatever lies in that great abyss that is the-world-after-school (more school? more travel? work? *cringes* ...marriage? *laughs*).
Well, in any case, here's the scoop:
Sea|mester... you live on the boat, learn on the boat (a tall ship), sail the boat ect. You can study oceanography, or marine biology, get any level of scuba certification you are on, and get a sailing (yahting) certification also.
Credit. Experience sailing. Experience diving. Traveling to different countries. Getting an education. Sounds damn good to me. All things that are good, in one amazing, relatively cheap program.
40 day trips are about $8,000
90 day trips can be over to $20,000
Semester at Sea... you live on the boat (a reimagined cruise ship) while you travel, and get a classroom education with all the university ammenities. When you stop at certain ports, you can get off the boat and do independent/group studies based on your major and the country you are in.
These trips are over 100 days, and range from $20,000 to $40,000.
There is more time at port in this program, compared to Sea|mester, which is what I like so much about it, and each "cruise" stops at about 10 different ports throughout the 4 months you are at sea.
I'm in dream-land right now. I even considered not going to Peru this Spring so I can save more money for these trips. However... I also don't see a reason why Peru can't happen in addition to my sea excursions. And I don't actually think I would give up Peru... BUT if for some reason my travel application for Peru isnt accepted, it is nice that I have other incredible opportunities to look forward to.
Gahh...
its 3 am.
I should sleep.
My writing center retreat starts tomorrow. 3 hours of writing and tudoring stuff! and almost 10 more hours in the two following days. I am really excited though, except kinda nervous.
I am sooooo glad I got this internship though! YAY YAY YAY!
(I just wish I was making money this quarter... I obviously have a lot of saving to do).
now bed calls my name,
and so...
goodnight.
I am going to do them. I have to. They are way too amazing to pass up.
So, how am I going to fit ALL of these opportunities into my undergrad?
Well... next year I will probably take INS and stay at Evergreen all year, working, studying, working, saving.
And then banking on how much money I manage to make, I will use the next year to do a Semester at Sea, and then a Sea|mester (or, more realistically, one or the other). Then I will maybe take some time off school to work, work, work, to pay back loans on the trip, or whatever.
I won't graduate after 4 years, but instead I will take another year at Evergreen doing upper division science.
Then finally, I graduate with my BA and BS, will have traveled much of the world, and will be ready for whatever lies in that great abyss that is the-world-after-school (more school? more travel? work? *cringes* ...marriage? *laughs*).
Well, in any case, here's the scoop:
Sea|mester... you live on the boat, learn on the boat (a tall ship), sail the boat ect. You can study oceanography, or marine biology, get any level of scuba certification you are on, and get a sailing (yahting) certification also.
Credit. Experience sailing. Experience diving. Traveling to different countries. Getting an education. Sounds damn good to me. All things that are good, in one amazing, relatively cheap program.
40 day trips are about $8,000
90 day trips can be over to $20,000
Semester at Sea... you live on the boat (a reimagined cruise ship) while you travel, and get a classroom education with all the university ammenities. When you stop at certain ports, you can get off the boat and do independent/group studies based on your major and the country you are in.
These trips are over 100 days, and range from $20,000 to $40,000.
There is more time at port in this program, compared to Sea|mester, which is what I like so much about it, and each "cruise" stops at about 10 different ports throughout the 4 months you are at sea.
I'm in dream-land right now. I even considered not going to Peru this Spring so I can save more money for these trips. However... I also don't see a reason why Peru can't happen in addition to my sea excursions. And I don't actually think I would give up Peru... BUT if for some reason my travel application for Peru isnt accepted, it is nice that I have other incredible opportunities to look forward to.
Gahh...
its 3 am.
I should sleep.
My writing center retreat starts tomorrow. 3 hours of writing and tudoring stuff! and almost 10 more hours in the two following days. I am really excited though, except kinda nervous.
I am sooooo glad I got this internship though! YAY YAY YAY!
(I just wish I was making money this quarter... I obviously have a lot of saving to do).
now bed calls my name,
and so...
goodnight.
james asked me to update this thing more often.
I donno why I haven't been writing as much lately. Just catching up with people I guess... trying to live in the world rather than keep up with writing down all my thoughts about it.
but i suppose... i should not abandon my writing, for it has never really abandoned me.
I'm sitting in my cozy little room. listening to a strange rap/really weird music.
its catchy enough.
im feeling bad, but only because i have slight cramps and on top of that... i ate too many cookies/cupcakes (the downfall A. being a girl, and B. having all you can eat at the Greenery, AND roommates who like to bake.)
Alicia and I went downtown today after she did orientation stuff. We wandered. I ate some yakisoba and had bubble tea. I bought a cute bright yellow tanktop, which inspired me to alter some clothes... but i left all that stuff at home. :(
its okay though, my roommate ggave me a death cab shirt, and it doesnt quite fit, so i need to figure out how to make that work better for me, cause the graphic is just too adorable, and so was the gesture.
i also wanna hang more stuff on my wall. all i have is like... a million twilight posters/magazine pictures of the actors.
my roommate Em is so fuckin creative. And Alicia was painting some masterpieces earlier, so Im just like constantly inspired to be making/decorating.
hah.
but yea. so in leiu of actually having the means to make/alter something... i might just try on a bunch of new clothing combinations to feel a bit creative
*shivers with jealousy*
Ahh... my final roommate Sarah finally made her existence known. She is really cool; we had a good convo about programs and such. She was going to switch with Carolyn (who got booted out for Em), but I donno if that is going to happen.
Honestly, I dont really care, cause I think we will all be cool with eachother, and hang out together anyway.
yea... i wrote in my journal last night, and i am tempted to transcribe that to here, though... i don't think i will. it just talks about my dorm, being new and beautiful and clean and lovely. and it talks about having Alicia here. And it talks about the people who are here or who should be here soon. And it talks about the people I miss.
I also made a "to do" list of ten items... four of which i completed today. yay!
one of those things was to see Ariana, which I did today cause she was in town! That was so wonderful!! She is even more beautiful than i remember. She seemed to be doing well too. But just seeing her, and knowing what she has had to deal with these past few months... I got a bit teary-eyed. She got some bubble tea too. It was funny, because my favorite memory of us was when we went downtown, got bubble tea, sat by the water taking pictures, and then running through the fountain. She was so happy. She is so strong, cause I still see that spark in her. And... I felt like she appreciates life so much... it was just little things she said that let me see exactly how she was dealing with all of this. She talked about it. She talked as though she has had to explain it a lot. But... yea... god. She had her ticket-taker, or whatever for restaurants (the little black book where they write down your order). She bought one that had a picture window, and she put a picture of Mike in it. She got a replica tattoo of one that he had, and she mixed his ashes in the ink they used for it.
Things like this make me feel like I can be a lot stronger.
I was thinking about this last night, considering my strength
...why I am doing so much better this year?
Is it cause I am more familiar with the place?
Is it cause I just got use to a particular way I feel when Im away from home?
Is it cause I have grown a lot? I am ready to be more independent? I spent most of the summer at camp? I am more sure of myself? I have a better living situation? I am happier with my schedule/excited about what I am doing this year?
Am I stronger or is it just easier?
Anyway. I think I can be stronger.
So... it pains me to be away from Matt, and my family, and my pets, and friends...
but this is my choice. And I am doing something here, and they are doing stuff over there, and it isn't like someone was tragically ripped away from my life.
So... I am doing well.
Tomorrow I have the first day of my retreat.
School starts a week from today (yesterday, since its 1am)
I hope that I can carry this calmness and this happiness with me, throughout this busy busy quarter ahead of me.
I donno why I haven't been writing as much lately. Just catching up with people I guess... trying to live in the world rather than keep up with writing down all my thoughts about it.
but i suppose... i should not abandon my writing, for it has never really abandoned me.
I'm sitting in my cozy little room. listening to a strange rap/really weird music.
its catchy enough.
im feeling bad, but only because i have slight cramps and on top of that... i ate too many cookies/cupcakes (the downfall A. being a girl, and B. having all you can eat at the Greenery, AND roommates who like to bake.)
Alicia and I went downtown today after she did orientation stuff. We wandered. I ate some yakisoba and had bubble tea. I bought a cute bright yellow tanktop, which inspired me to alter some clothes... but i left all that stuff at home. :(
its okay though, my roommate ggave me a death cab shirt, and it doesnt quite fit, so i need to figure out how to make that work better for me, cause the graphic is just too adorable, and so was the gesture.
i also wanna hang more stuff on my wall. all i have is like... a million twilight posters/magazine pictures of the actors.
my roommate Em is so fuckin creative. And Alicia was painting some masterpieces earlier, so Im just like constantly inspired to be making/decorating.
hah.
but yea. so in leiu of actually having the means to make/alter something... i might just try on a bunch of new clothing combinations to feel a bit creative
*shivers with jealousy*
Ahh... my final roommate Sarah finally made her existence known. She is really cool; we had a good convo about programs and such. She was going to switch with Carolyn (who got booted out for Em), but I donno if that is going to happen.
Honestly, I dont really care, cause I think we will all be cool with eachother, and hang out together anyway.
yea... i wrote in my journal last night, and i am tempted to transcribe that to here, though... i don't think i will. it just talks about my dorm, being new and beautiful and clean and lovely. and it talks about having Alicia here. And it talks about the people who are here or who should be here soon. And it talks about the people I miss.
I also made a "to do" list of ten items... four of which i completed today. yay!
one of those things was to see Ariana, which I did today cause she was in town! That was so wonderful!! She is even more beautiful than i remember. She seemed to be doing well too. But just seeing her, and knowing what she has had to deal with these past few months... I got a bit teary-eyed. She got some bubble tea too. It was funny, because my favorite memory of us was when we went downtown, got bubble tea, sat by the water taking pictures, and then running through the fountain. She was so happy. She is so strong, cause I still see that spark in her. And... I felt like she appreciates life so much... it was just little things she said that let me see exactly how she was dealing with all of this. She talked about it. She talked as though she has had to explain it a lot. But... yea... god. She had her ticket-taker, or whatever for restaurants (the little black book where they write down your order). She bought one that had a picture window, and she put a picture of Mike in it. She got a replica tattoo of one that he had, and she mixed his ashes in the ink they used for it.
Things like this make me feel like I can be a lot stronger.
I was thinking about this last night, considering my strength
...why I am doing so much better this year?
Is it cause I am more familiar with the place?
Is it cause I just got use to a particular way I feel when Im away from home?
Is it cause I have grown a lot? I am ready to be more independent? I spent most of the summer at camp? I am more sure of myself? I have a better living situation? I am happier with my schedule/excited about what I am doing this year?
Am I stronger or is it just easier?
Anyway. I think I can be stronger.
So... it pains me to be away from Matt, and my family, and my pets, and friends...
but this is my choice. And I am doing something here, and they are doing stuff over there, and it isn't like someone was tragically ripped away from my life.
So... I am doing well.
Tomorrow I have the first day of my retreat.
School starts a week from today (yesterday, since its 1am)
I hope that I can carry this calmness and this happiness with me, throughout this busy busy quarter ahead of me.
10 pounds
remodeled
fixed it
broke it
built it [with everything]
filled it [with nothing]
anger [at something]
laughter [at nothing]
kicked out
welcomed in
same places
new faces
lost
or gained
a breakup
a hookup
a drowning
overgrowth
cancer
scattered
embedded
saved
lost
boxes
cars
old life
new scars
growths
lifes
loves
changes.
remodeled
fixed it
broke it
built it [with everything]
filled it [with nothing]
anger [at something]
laughter [at nothing]
kicked out
welcomed in
same places
new faces
lost
or gained
a breakup
a hookup
a drowning
overgrowth
cancer
scattered
embedded
saved
lost
boxes
cars
old life
new scars
growths
lifes
loves
changes.
bnmt asap!
Some things feel surreal today.
The summer heat seems to have gone with the coming of the rainstorm.
I don't know why or how, but the crisp air seems to have knocked me out of complete equilibrium. It came sooner than I was expecting.
Yesterday I landed on my foot wrong and seem to have torn something, or at least severely strained some tendons. There were a couple times when I moved my foot yesterday after the fall that I was overcome by agonizing pain in my ankle, down my foot, and up my leg. I don't really know how bad it is. There is no pain today, but I am afraid to take my foot out of the boot that Ben gave me. Testing the range of movement in my foot could result in severe amounts of pain that I just don't have the will to bring upon myself.
I am going to the dentist today. Finally. I really need a tooth guard for nighttime.
I thought about leaving for Vancouver today, but I am exhausted and now have to deal with my foot. I need to pack anyway. Ariana's birthday is tomorrow and I really wanna see her, but mom also said she wouldn't be able to pick me up from Vancouver on the way down to Sunriver anyway. I donno...
Its also weird that I am going to be in Sunriver. I'm excited for the trip. It just almost doesnt seem possible that my whole family will be there all together again (for the first time since we moved, I believe).
At some point I am supposed to call Nygil, and Josh.
I just can't bring myself to do it.
I miss them both dearly, but I don't feel like talking on the phone, making small talk (as would happen with Josh) or trying to delve into the complexity of "how I am."
I don't get to see Josh. What if I never see him again?
I don't think that will happen, but he lives across the country now... and Alaska is just as far, but it sure doesnt feel like it.
In a few weeks I will be living within a half mile of Nygil and we will be able to see eachother whenever we damn well please. But I just know I'm gonna be swamped with work, so there's a possibility that I might see him just as much as if he was living across the country too.
Well, that was an exaggeration... but you get the point.
While we're on the subject of distance:
time, place, understanding...
Becca will be close to me, in Tacoma.
As will Minnie.
Hell, Jasmine will be in Portland, which is loads closer than she was before.
James, Emily, Dana,
Caitlin,
Mustang, Paws,
Matt, Mom, Dad,
Peekaboo,
Cinder,
Coco and Mocha...
they will all be farther then I'd like them to be.
and more.
But its cool, when there are people (and animals) you can be close to even if you are far away from them,
even if you hardly see or talk to them.
I like that.
Ok. There is stuff to be done before Becca and I go to our appointments.
...And instead of doing those things... I think I might take a nap.
I'm not quite sure how much sleep I did or didnt get last night, but it sure doesnt feel like much.
The summer heat seems to have gone with the coming of the rainstorm.
I don't know why or how, but the crisp air seems to have knocked me out of complete equilibrium. It came sooner than I was expecting.
Yesterday I landed on my foot wrong and seem to have torn something, or at least severely strained some tendons. There were a couple times when I moved my foot yesterday after the fall that I was overcome by agonizing pain in my ankle, down my foot, and up my leg. I don't really know how bad it is. There is no pain today, but I am afraid to take my foot out of the boot that Ben gave me. Testing the range of movement in my foot could result in severe amounts of pain that I just don't have the will to bring upon myself.
I am going to the dentist today. Finally. I really need a tooth guard for nighttime.
I thought about leaving for Vancouver today, but I am exhausted and now have to deal with my foot. I need to pack anyway. Ariana's birthday is tomorrow and I really wanna see her, but mom also said she wouldn't be able to pick me up from Vancouver on the way down to Sunriver anyway. I donno...
Its also weird that I am going to be in Sunriver. I'm excited for the trip. It just almost doesnt seem possible that my whole family will be there all together again (for the first time since we moved, I believe).
At some point I am supposed to call Nygil, and Josh.
I just can't bring myself to do it.
I miss them both dearly, but I don't feel like talking on the phone, making small talk (as would happen with Josh) or trying to delve into the complexity of "how I am."
I don't get to see Josh. What if I never see him again?
I don't think that will happen, but he lives across the country now... and Alaska is just as far, but it sure doesnt feel like it.
In a few weeks I will be living within a half mile of Nygil and we will be able to see eachother whenever we damn well please. But I just know I'm gonna be swamped with work, so there's a possibility that I might see him just as much as if he was living across the country too.
Well, that was an exaggeration... but you get the point.
While we're on the subject of distance:
time, place, understanding...
Becca will be close to me, in Tacoma.
As will Minnie.
Hell, Jasmine will be in Portland, which is loads closer than she was before.
James, Emily, Dana,
Caitlin,
Mustang, Paws,
Matt, Mom, Dad,
Peekaboo,
Cinder,
Coco and Mocha...
they will all be farther then I'd like them to be.
and more.
But its cool, when there are people (and animals) you can be close to even if you are far away from them,
even if you hardly see or talk to them.
I like that.
Ok. There is stuff to be done before Becca and I go to our appointments.
...And instead of doing those things... I think I might take a nap.
I'm not quite sure how much sleep I did or didnt get last night, but it sure doesnt feel like much.
Been chatting with my new roommates today. Carolyn and Ariel. Haven't heard from Sarah yet, but I can only hope to get along with her half as well as I do with the other two, cause its been awesome so far. Such an improvement.
Pax this weekend was awesome.
I got my 3 day pass for free (thanks to James and Tim) which was a plus, and just stayed with my brother so I didn't have to pay for a hotel/bus fare too and from the boys' apartment.
I don't want to go into details cause it is late and there is a lot to say, but some quick things:
I loved the encore of Freezepop, it rocked! Honestly I thought the rest of their show was boring (except when the guy got on stage and proposed to his girlfriend). I enjoyed playing Left4Dead or whatever that zombie game was. Walking around and talking with Matt was probably the best time I had because it was such a refresher being with and talking to someone who just makes me feel right. He seemed really happy too.
I had fun hanging out with those Facake people too. xD
I loved watching Sean play outside the convention center...even though we got kicked off the steps, which was bullshit.
I also got to see Alex Blanton who I havent seen for a while. I missed seeing Zak.
But I did get the pleasure of running into Maddie Copp and Dustin Woods, who I havent seen in person for probably 10 years.
And chillin with Grey.
And getting a hug or two from Gameboy (...sorry, Garrett. Fuck... is that even your real name?)
Wow... so much for not getting into detail.
Well, now that I'm here... I will also mention how much I enjoyed my time with Amanda, and the short amount of time I had to talk with Nathan.
I liked being the last non-Enforcer out of the building on Friday night (well, actually Sat. morning) because no one could find my brother... the only Enforcer who works late just because he can. :P
Yea. Aside from having the worst migrain of my life through most of it, I legitimately had a lot of fun.
Watched Rent with my parents tonight.
And we all made dinner together.
It was lovely.
Ok. It is late.
John is coming over tomorrow morning. I hope he is doing alright.
Matt and I are going to dinner tomorrow night. PF Chang's. Haha, we have been planning this for like 3 months or more. Finally found a time that works. ^_^
Ps.
Rainstorm today
with thunder
and wind.
I loved it.
Hope there is more to come soon.
Pax this weekend was awesome.
I got my 3 day pass for free (thanks to James and Tim) which was a plus, and just stayed with my brother so I didn't have to pay for a hotel/bus fare too and from the boys' apartment.
I don't want to go into details cause it is late and there is a lot to say, but some quick things:
I loved the encore of Freezepop, it rocked! Honestly I thought the rest of their show was boring (except when the guy got on stage and proposed to his girlfriend). I enjoyed playing Left4Dead or whatever that zombie game was. Walking around and talking with Matt was probably the best time I had because it was such a refresher being with and talking to someone who just makes me feel right. He seemed really happy too.
I had fun hanging out with those Facake people too. xD
I loved watching Sean play outside the convention center...even though we got kicked off the steps, which was bullshit.
I also got to see Alex Blanton who I havent seen for a while. I missed seeing Zak.
But I did get the pleasure of running into Maddie Copp and Dustin Woods, who I havent seen in person for probably 10 years.
And chillin with Grey.
And getting a hug or two from Gameboy (...sorry, Garrett. Fuck... is that even your real name?)
Wow... so much for not getting into detail.
Well, now that I'm here... I will also mention how much I enjoyed my time with Amanda, and the short amount of time I had to talk with Nathan.
I liked being the last non-Enforcer out of the building on Friday night (well, actually Sat. morning) because no one could find my brother... the only Enforcer who works late just because he can. :P
Yea. Aside from having the worst migrain of my life through most of it, I legitimately had a lot of fun.
Watched Rent with my parents tonight.
And we all made dinner together.
It was lovely.
Ok. It is late.
John is coming over tomorrow morning. I hope he is doing alright.
Matt and I are going to dinner tomorrow night. PF Chang's. Haha, we have been planning this for like 3 months or more. Finally found a time that works. ^_^
Ps.
Rainstorm today
with thunder
and wind.
I loved it.
Hope there is more to come soon.
I enjoyed Lars and the Real Girl.
Its probably top ten, at least.
I can't stop listening to Silversun Pickups.
They are up there with Death Cab and Thrice, where they can almost do no wrong.
Also, I wish someone would say something meaningful to me. So I could respond with more than a grunt. I'm sorry... today I just couldn't fake it too well. But who knows... maybe tomorrow will be better.
I enjoyed working on the puzzle. I even enjoyed going to the doctor. I got two shots and I'm starting now to figure out which immunizations I need for Peru cause I know once school starts that is gonna be on the back burner for a while.
My "medical assistant" today was Jonny. I guess he wasn't really a nurse, and he didn't really try to fake it either...nor did he try to fake that he really liked his job. It was nice to meet someone real like that... he just kinda didnt give a shit. He looked like he was straight out of a movie like Superbad or Adventureland, where he is one of those side characters who make you laugh all the time. He was a little slow too, trying to remember the last name of the doctor, and trying to figure out which arm was my left one. ^_^ But he made me smile... and laugh. Even when he was about to give me the shot. "Is it a really painful one?" "Yea the people out there said this one hurts like a... well, lets just say we shouldnt do it on your dominant arm." "You're either really funny or really honest." "Both."
It hurt, but I thought about my dream last night, which made it easier to anticipate. My dream was set at camp (though it didnt look the same), and anyway we were just supposed to be seeing a movie, which was gonna be projected such that ideally you watch it from the water (i think i've seen something like this in one of my dreams before...) Anywho, I swam out there, and then saw some people were watching it from the beach, and decided that might be more enjoyable.
We never ended up watching the movie, something happened. The middle part of the dream is really hazy. But we all had to get up and run, and we were scared... but it was just people playing a joke or a game. The game was a physical test, basically. And so I started training for it. And it was like... a "mirrors edge" thing... ya know? Parkour... or freestyle running. So me and Bubba are training for it, and he's like the pro. And so I'm running from him, and I do really good for a beginner. Its strange, cause I remember being in pain cause of some of the physical exertion I put my body through, and being really scared running from Bubba...even though it was just training/a game.
I also remember that I was afraid to get in trouble cause the game was banned from camp, and we were practicing near the office where Daisy and Frog and Zeeb were. And when I got to the roof, which was like the final level, it started pealing off because it was rotten. And I fell. And I really didnt want to be on the ground for some reason.
*shakes head*
its been a while since I drempt like that. There were only a couple vivid dreams during camp this summer. But before that it was like... nightly, almost. Location? Eating habits? Sleeping habits?
Anyway, I like when I dream, cause I feel like I have this whole other life... a life in which I can do anything.
So that is why I thought of it when I was getting shots. Cause my goal in the dream was to not be hindered by any physical limitation, and to be able to endure any physical pain.
Ahh... well the doctor was a different story.
She clearly was having a bad day. Last time I'd seen her she was much different. This time, it looked like she had gotten braces, and wasnt too happy about it (...who would be?) and she seemed really stressed. Sympathetic as I was, it still bothered me when she spent a whole minute interrogating the apparent enigma of my virginity.
grr.
Also... I weigh more than I thought. Much more. And I think my stomach is expanding at about half the rate of the Blob, in the original movie, meaning in about 45 minutes, I will be able to cover a normal size diner with my entire body.
Just kidding.
But really... a workout routine might help. I could hardly fit into my pants today. I'd say that's a good excuse for shopping, but why waste perfectly good pants, I better just lose the pound-age.
Yea... away from that.
Had mongolian with my sister and mom before the appointments. I like spending time with them, even if I don't really show it. I think I was distracted by my headache, and my excitement over having a full meal.
After the appointments I got my new glasses. Which I really don't want to talk about. I like them. They are cute (luckily cause I remember just getting fed up with looking and picking the ones that happened to be on my face). They just don't fit that well. And if I think about glasses then I have to think about contacts (which irrates my migrain), and getting all that sorted before school. I also need a tooth guard for my teeth, cause apparently Bill could hear me grinding my teeth this morning, from the floor. WTF? I don't like that. It was probably my body reacting to all the physical exertion i was experiencing in my dream. ha
oh yea, and my mom also took me too the mall today for the unhappy errand of looking for underwear and bras. fuuuuuck I hate that.
and I hate malls.
even more after today.
I walk in and they are playing this godawful music, which wouldnt be that bad if it wasnt the themesong for the disgusting montage of people shopping, cooing over baby's new outfit, downing a bigmac and fries, and picking out the perfect wedding ring.
needless to say, i didnt find what i was looking for.
hah, i must sound really unhappy.
on the contrary.
i feel fine.
i still have a headache.
and im tired.
and I don't have PAX tickets.
but... i don't feel like the world is ending right now.
im smiling.
im making jokes.
im alone, but my family is safe and sleeping in their rooms,
and I have a nice bed to go lay in,
and with any luck, I will get into Pax tomorrow or the next day.
so overall, im pretty damn good.
Its probably top ten, at least.
I can't stop listening to Silversun Pickups.
They are up there with Death Cab and Thrice, where they can almost do no wrong.
Also, I wish someone would say something meaningful to me. So I could respond with more than a grunt. I'm sorry... today I just couldn't fake it too well. But who knows... maybe tomorrow will be better.
I enjoyed working on the puzzle. I even enjoyed going to the doctor. I got two shots and I'm starting now to figure out which immunizations I need for Peru cause I know once school starts that is gonna be on the back burner for a while.
My "medical assistant" today was Jonny. I guess he wasn't really a nurse, and he didn't really try to fake it either...nor did he try to fake that he really liked his job. It was nice to meet someone real like that... he just kinda didnt give a shit. He looked like he was straight out of a movie like Superbad or Adventureland, where he is one of those side characters who make you laugh all the time. He was a little slow too, trying to remember the last name of the doctor, and trying to figure out which arm was my left one. ^_^ But he made me smile... and laugh. Even when he was about to give me the shot. "Is it a really painful one?" "Yea the people out there said this one hurts like a... well, lets just say we shouldnt do it on your dominant arm." "You're either really funny or really honest." "Both."
It hurt, but I thought about my dream last night, which made it easier to anticipate. My dream was set at camp (though it didnt look the same), and anyway we were just supposed to be seeing a movie, which was gonna be projected such that ideally you watch it from the water (i think i've seen something like this in one of my dreams before...) Anywho, I swam out there, and then saw some people were watching it from the beach, and decided that might be more enjoyable.
We never ended up watching the movie, something happened. The middle part of the dream is really hazy. But we all had to get up and run, and we were scared... but it was just people playing a joke or a game. The game was a physical test, basically. And so I started training for it. And it was like... a "mirrors edge" thing... ya know? Parkour... or freestyle running. So me and Bubba are training for it, and he's like the pro. And so I'm running from him, and I do really good for a beginner. Its strange, cause I remember being in pain cause of some of the physical exertion I put my body through, and being really scared running from Bubba...even though it was just training/a game.
I also remember that I was afraid to get in trouble cause the game was banned from camp, and we were practicing near the office where Daisy and Frog and Zeeb were. And when I got to the roof, which was like the final level, it started pealing off because it was rotten. And I fell. And I really didnt want to be on the ground for some reason.
*shakes head*
its been a while since I drempt like that. There were only a couple vivid dreams during camp this summer. But before that it was like... nightly, almost. Location? Eating habits? Sleeping habits?
Anyway, I like when I dream, cause I feel like I have this whole other life... a life in which I can do anything.
So that is why I thought of it when I was getting shots. Cause my goal in the dream was to not be hindered by any physical limitation, and to be able to endure any physical pain.
Ahh... well the doctor was a different story.
She clearly was having a bad day. Last time I'd seen her she was much different. This time, it looked like she had gotten braces, and wasnt too happy about it (...who would be?) and she seemed really stressed. Sympathetic as I was, it still bothered me when she spent a whole minute interrogating the apparent enigma of my virginity.
grr.
Also... I weigh more than I thought. Much more. And I think my stomach is expanding at about half the rate of the Blob, in the original movie, meaning in about 45 minutes, I will be able to cover a normal size diner with my entire body.
Just kidding.
But really... a workout routine might help. I could hardly fit into my pants today. I'd say that's a good excuse for shopping, but why waste perfectly good pants, I better just lose the pound-age.
Yea... away from that.
Had mongolian with my sister and mom before the appointments. I like spending time with them, even if I don't really show it. I think I was distracted by my headache, and my excitement over having a full meal.
After the appointments I got my new glasses. Which I really don't want to talk about. I like them. They are cute (luckily cause I remember just getting fed up with looking and picking the ones that happened to be on my face). They just don't fit that well. And if I think about glasses then I have to think about contacts (which irrates my migrain), and getting all that sorted before school. I also need a tooth guard for my teeth, cause apparently Bill could hear me grinding my teeth this morning, from the floor. WTF? I don't like that. It was probably my body reacting to all the physical exertion i was experiencing in my dream. ha
oh yea, and my mom also took me too the mall today for the unhappy errand of looking for underwear and bras. fuuuuuck I hate that.
and I hate malls.
even more after today.
I walk in and they are playing this godawful music, which wouldnt be that bad if it wasnt the themesong for the disgusting montage of people shopping, cooing over baby's new outfit, downing a bigmac and fries, and picking out the perfect wedding ring.
needless to say, i didnt find what i was looking for.
hah, i must sound really unhappy.
on the contrary.
i feel fine.
i still have a headache.
and im tired.
and I don't have PAX tickets.
but... i don't feel like the world is ending right now.
im smiling.
im making jokes.
im alone, but my family is safe and sleeping in their rooms,
and I have a nice bed to go lay in,
and with any luck, I will get into Pax tomorrow or the next day.
so overall, im pretty damn good.
I'm not trying to come across that I have lost interest in the world. I think quite the contrary. I have a greater interest all aspects of the world, and have grown to be less picky about which ones make me happy. I guess because nothing is what you expect and so any choice I make will lead me to something unexpected. So if I have no expectations, then I will likely be satisfied, if not happy, with the results.
I don't think it is all so sorted out in my head. I just think that I have lost interest in trying so hard to control my life.
I have goals that I intend to pursue, but also realize that my life's direction is not always governed by my specific choices. Maybe partially, but who knows?
But then there are the bigger questions (bigger to me, probably, than most people). Questions of drugs and sex and alcohol. I donno. Those are more important to me... especially because of what I have seen them do to other people's lives.
Example 1: One of my oldest but best friends in the world accidentally got pregnant.
Example 2: One of my good friend's boyfriends drown because he fell off a boat while intoxicated.
As far disconnected as I am from those situations, they affected me greatly. And I would not want to be either of those people, or have anything similar happen to me.
This is why it was so important to date someone who doesn't drink or do drugs...
I never understood that so well as I did this Fourth of July when I heard about Mike.
Coincidentally, that same day was the day my friend gave birth to her baby (which I unfortunately didn't find out about until a few days ago).
Meh.
The day I heard that Mike died, I texted Tony right away. Mike and Ariana's relationship always reminded me of Tony and I. I hated the way they fought cause I'd seen it all before and believed it wouldnt change. I thought she would just keep getting hurt, until something broke.
Something did break. But it was right when they were starting to work out better together.
She can't text him anymore to make sure he is okay.
Tony is fine. He's alive, at least.
He's happy for the most part.
I've seen him a lot recently, and it has been a strange experience...neither really good nor bad. Of course it is wonderful to see him because he is such a huge part of me... but it doesnt really hurt anymore. But I still found myself turning my head away when he bent down to kiss her. That's why its weird... because as much as I don't want him anymore, I also don't want to lose him anymore. I want him to always remember me, always come to me for help, always consider me one of his best friends. I think I lost some of that already, long ago. And maybe holding on to it makes no sense. Maybe that is why I still don't listen to HIM (the band).
Ahh whatever...
On Sunday, for family dinner, my parents and Nathan and Amanda were watching this atrocious movie called 5 People You Meet in Heaven. The movie is not all that bad, I just say so cause in my mood... it was pretty ridiculous.
Pathetic as I am, it still managed to make me cry.
There was this line... let's see if I can find it online....
"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand... You can't tousle their hair... But when those senses weaken another one comes to life... Memory... Memory becomes your partner. You hold it... you dance with it... Life has to end, Eddie... Love doesn't."
Geez. Practically slayed me.
Anywho... yea.
So... Matt. Matt is back from the beach. It will be wonderful to see him. These lyrics remind me of him:
"when i'm losing my control, the city spins around. you're the only one who knows, you slow it down."
*sigh* (that's a good sigh... a sigh that i feel so fortunate. and that i feel things are right... complicated as they are)
i am ready.
god, i feel that I am becoming so strong. I can feel it building up, and I am getting ready... so ready... to do something great. to do so many things.
and...
i know I am going off to do most of them alone...
yea... for the most part, alone (except, not the way you might see it).
so...
there it is.
as much of my heart as i needed to bare for tonight. at least here.
hmm.
it amazes me how much people can change, and then still be inherently the same.
I don't think it is all so sorted out in my head. I just think that I have lost interest in trying so hard to control my life.
I have goals that I intend to pursue, but also realize that my life's direction is not always governed by my specific choices. Maybe partially, but who knows?
But then there are the bigger questions (bigger to me, probably, than most people). Questions of drugs and sex and alcohol. I donno. Those are more important to me... especially because of what I have seen them do to other people's lives.
Example 1: One of my oldest but best friends in the world accidentally got pregnant.
Example 2: One of my good friend's boyfriends drown because he fell off a boat while intoxicated.
As far disconnected as I am from those situations, they affected me greatly. And I would not want to be either of those people, or have anything similar happen to me.
This is why it was so important to date someone who doesn't drink or do drugs...
I never understood that so well as I did this Fourth of July when I heard about Mike.
Coincidentally, that same day was the day my friend gave birth to her baby (which I unfortunately didn't find out about until a few days ago).
Meh.
The day I heard that Mike died, I texted Tony right away. Mike and Ariana's relationship always reminded me of Tony and I. I hated the way they fought cause I'd seen it all before and believed it wouldnt change. I thought she would just keep getting hurt, until something broke.
Something did break. But it was right when they were starting to work out better together.
She can't text him anymore to make sure he is okay.
Tony is fine. He's alive, at least.
He's happy for the most part.
I've seen him a lot recently, and it has been a strange experience...neither really good nor bad. Of course it is wonderful to see him because he is such a huge part of me... but it doesnt really hurt anymore. But I still found myself turning my head away when he bent down to kiss her. That's why its weird... because as much as I don't want him anymore, I also don't want to lose him anymore. I want him to always remember me, always come to me for help, always consider me one of his best friends. I think I lost some of that already, long ago. And maybe holding on to it makes no sense. Maybe that is why I still don't listen to HIM (the band).
Ahh whatever...
On Sunday, for family dinner, my parents and Nathan and Amanda were watching this atrocious movie called 5 People You Meet in Heaven. The movie is not all that bad, I just say so cause in my mood... it was pretty ridiculous.
Pathetic as I am, it still managed to make me cry.
There was this line... let's see if I can find it online....
"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand... You can't tousle their hair... But when those senses weaken another one comes to life... Memory... Memory becomes your partner. You hold it... you dance with it... Life has to end, Eddie... Love doesn't."
Geez. Practically slayed me.
Anywho... yea.
So... Matt. Matt is back from the beach. It will be wonderful to see him. These lyrics remind me of him:
"when i'm losing my control, the city spins around. you're the only one who knows, you slow it down."
*sigh* (that's a good sigh... a sigh that i feel so fortunate. and that i feel things are right... complicated as they are)
i am ready.
god, i feel that I am becoming so strong. I can feel it building up, and I am getting ready... so ready... to do something great. to do so many things.
and...
i know I am going off to do most of them alone...
yea... for the most part, alone (except, not the way you might see it).
so...
there it is.
as much of my heart as i needed to bare for tonight. at least here.
hmm.
it amazes me how much people can change, and then still be inherently the same.
so...
as far as conversation goes, I really can't find anything to say to anyone. I just listen, a lot. Even when no one is saying anything I listen.
I don't know whats with me. I feel really alone, and it makes me uncomfortable and anxious, but not sad... necessarily. Well, it makes me want to curl up, sleep a lot, and cry. But I can even feel dignified in that. Which is why I don't want to label it as sadness.
I feel very "blah" for the good majority of each day. And what I mean by "blah" is unfeeling, or numb. But I use numb to describe so much pain that I can't feel anymore, and I don't think its that either.
I kinda just dont care. I will follow you on your walk, watch your TV show, listen to your story, but I probably wouldnt care if I was doing something else either.
I feel like I am just waiting. Just passing the time with you, and you, and whoever.
I want to go to Peru.
I even want to go back to school, so I can sit in a classroom or wherever, and listen, and take notes, and learn something new.
The only things that really get me motivated are traveling (even if its to a place I don't necessarily want to be, with people I don't want to be with, and even if the distance is only a few miles), doing something that involves physical exertion (dancing, jumping off a cliff into freezing water, biking somewhere), or writing/making something/doing something creative (I cut up an old shirt the other day, and made it really cute. I want to do more of that, and I think I will tonight. I have lots of shirts.)
I want to get rid of most of my stuff. I want to do this before I go back to school. But we are going to Oregon for 5 days. That's all dandy. At least its travel. And at least its with people I want to be with (my family).
as far as conversation goes, I really can't find anything to say to anyone. I just listen, a lot. Even when no one is saying anything I listen.
I don't know whats with me. I feel really alone, and it makes me uncomfortable and anxious, but not sad... necessarily. Well, it makes me want to curl up, sleep a lot, and cry. But I can even feel dignified in that. Which is why I don't want to label it as sadness.
I feel very "blah" for the good majority of each day. And what I mean by "blah" is unfeeling, or numb. But I use numb to describe so much pain that I can't feel anymore, and I don't think its that either.
I kinda just dont care. I will follow you on your walk, watch your TV show, listen to your story, but I probably wouldnt care if I was doing something else either.
I feel like I am just waiting. Just passing the time with you, and you, and whoever.
I want to go to Peru.
I even want to go back to school, so I can sit in a classroom or wherever, and listen, and take notes, and learn something new.
The only things that really get me motivated are traveling (even if its to a place I don't necessarily want to be, with people I don't want to be with, and even if the distance is only a few miles), doing something that involves physical exertion (dancing, jumping off a cliff into freezing water, biking somewhere), or writing/making something/doing something creative (I cut up an old shirt the other day, and made it really cute. I want to do more of that, and I think I will tonight. I have lots of shirts.)
I want to get rid of most of my stuff. I want to do this before I go back to school. But we are going to Oregon for 5 days. That's all dandy. At least its travel. And at least its with people I want to be with (my family).
Here is my schedule for the fall, as far as I know.
I think everyone's housing check-in is Saturday Sept 19th, but that could just be Freshmen. I'll have to double check that.
Either way, I should probably be settled in my dorm by at least the 21st because the Writing Center retreat is Sept 22 through 24th. Then I will have a couple days to chill, start my reading, catch up with people. Class starts on Monday the 28th.
My weekly class/work schedule is gonna look something like this:
Monday:
Andean Roots 10-3
Tuesday:
Tutoring in the morning/afternoon (2-4 hours)
Spanish 6-8p
Wednesday:
Andean Roots 9-12
Tutoring in the afternoon (2-4 hours)
Thursday (always seem to be the longest day):
Andean Roots 9-3
Spanish 6-8p
Friday:
Tutor meeting/class 10-12
Tutoring in the afternoon if I haven't done my 8 hours/week yet.
*sigh* busy busy.
But I am excited about what I am studying.
I am stoked about the internship.
I know I am gonna get stressed and overwhelmed, but hopefully I will be more able to cope with the pressure this year.
I will be in Substance Free housing, which will probably be much quieter, and hopefully I won't have to deal with drunk people playing instruments terribly above me, the smell of cigarettes or pot, or any of the other strange and distracting things I dealt with last year while trying to write essays, do stats, read endless novels ect.
What else is going to be better about this year. I have lots of friends. Alicia will be there. Nygil too. Annie will come back after her trip to Africa, and Ariana after her trip to India. Tyler, and Zach, and Ben, and Nina, and Aja, and Trevor are all coming back. As is Rob I believe, and Chris. Chantal will be there sometimes. And all the people I know from Legacy and PacNW and Cultivating Voice.
I want to climb on the rock wall as much as possible, play lots of raquet ball, go on runs in the rain, ride my bike cool places. I want to go watch student performances, see some of the soccer games, and even some basketball games.
I want to make this year much fuller of life and good times.
I want to feel at home in my apartment, and get along with my roommates.
I want to breathe more fresh air.
I want to play in the snow, in the mud, in the sun, and lay in the field and look at the stars.
I want to learn how to slack line, play hacky sack, and do other typical Evergreeny type things.
I hope to have the desire to stay on campus/in Oly on the weekends instead of coming home.
I want to get better at writing essays (faster).
I want to become somewhat fluent in Spanish.
I want to develop my ability as a tutor.
I want to overcome my habitual procrastination.
I think I can make myself happy by doing these things.
I know I've been trying for years, and for just as long have felt defeated by despair and desperation. But I am still gonna try harder to find some sense of contentment, if only enough to wake up glad to be alive rather than just trolling along through each new day.
I'm starting now though.
I'm not waiting for school.
I'm gonna try to start letting some of the weight of the world just roll of my sholders, rather than trying to hold it all up.
We'll see how it goes.
I think everyone's housing check-in is Saturday Sept 19th, but that could just be Freshmen. I'll have to double check that.
Either way, I should probably be settled in my dorm by at least the 21st because the Writing Center retreat is Sept 22 through 24th. Then I will have a couple days to chill, start my reading, catch up with people. Class starts on Monday the 28th.
My weekly class/work schedule is gonna look something like this:
Monday:
Andean Roots 10-3
Tuesday:
Tutoring in the morning/afternoon (2-4 hours)
Spanish 6-8p
Wednesday:
Andean Roots 9-12
Tutoring in the afternoon (2-4 hours)
Thursday (always seem to be the longest day):
Andean Roots 9-3
Spanish 6-8p
Friday:
Tutor meeting/class 10-12
Tutoring in the afternoon if I haven't done my 8 hours/week yet.
*sigh* busy busy.
But I am excited about what I am studying.
I am stoked about the internship.
I know I am gonna get stressed and overwhelmed, but hopefully I will be more able to cope with the pressure this year.
I will be in Substance Free housing, which will probably be much quieter, and hopefully I won't have to deal with drunk people playing instruments terribly above me, the smell of cigarettes or pot, or any of the other strange and distracting things I dealt with last year while trying to write essays, do stats, read endless novels ect.
What else is going to be better about this year. I have lots of friends. Alicia will be there. Nygil too. Annie will come back after her trip to Africa, and Ariana after her trip to India. Tyler, and Zach, and Ben, and Nina, and Aja, and Trevor are all coming back. As is Rob I believe, and Chris. Chantal will be there sometimes. And all the people I know from Legacy and PacNW and Cultivating Voice.
I want to climb on the rock wall as much as possible, play lots of raquet ball, go on runs in the rain, ride my bike cool places. I want to go watch student performances, see some of the soccer games, and even some basketball games.
I want to make this year much fuller of life and good times.
I want to feel at home in my apartment, and get along with my roommates.
I want to breathe more fresh air.
I want to play in the snow, in the mud, in the sun, and lay in the field and look at the stars.
I want to learn how to slack line, play hacky sack, and do other typical Evergreeny type things.
I hope to have the desire to stay on campus/in Oly on the weekends instead of coming home.
I want to get better at writing essays (faster).
I want to become somewhat fluent in Spanish.
I want to develop my ability as a tutor.
I want to overcome my habitual procrastination.
I think I can make myself happy by doing these things.
I know I've been trying for years, and for just as long have felt defeated by despair and desperation. But I am still gonna try harder to find some sense of contentment, if only enough to wake up glad to be alive rather than just trolling along through each new day.
I'm starting now though.
I'm not waiting for school.
I'm gonna try to start letting some of the weight of the world just roll of my sholders, rather than trying to hold it all up.
We'll see how it goes.
i have a lot to say, so I'm just gonna start typing.
my first thought is this:
it would be wonderful if people would listen to what I say, and believe me, or take me seriously.
that seems to be a theme over the happenings of the past few days.
this whole summer at camp... i have been healing. the minute i step away from neverneverland, all of that disappears. or maybe i wasn't healing at all... just temporarily escaping my real life.
i am thrust back into failed relationships, lost love, friendships that are more destructive than constructive, a world obsessed with/reliant on drugs and sex.
its amazing how long it took me to get from misery to happiness, and how short it took me to get back.
I'm still gonna try to be happy. I'm always gonna try.
But I really don't think the world is going to let me.
there are people in my room with me.
i need to stop.
i need to go.
my first thought is this:
it would be wonderful if people would listen to what I say, and believe me, or take me seriously.
that seems to be a theme over the happenings of the past few days.
this whole summer at camp... i have been healing. the minute i step away from neverneverland, all of that disappears. or maybe i wasn't healing at all... just temporarily escaping my real life.
i am thrust back into failed relationships, lost love, friendships that are more destructive than constructive, a world obsessed with/reliant on drugs and sex.
its amazing how long it took me to get from misery to happiness, and how short it took me to get back.
I'm still gonna try to be happy. I'm always gonna try.
But I really don't think the world is going to let me.
there are people in my room with me.
i need to stop.
i need to go.
it takes only a few moments back in reality to start chipping away (or completely demolish) all that built up optimism and joy.
Zippity-fuckin-doo-dah.
I'm too tired to fight this off.
Zippity-fuckin-doo-dah.
I'm too tired to fight this off.
Isn't it amazing when a lyric, or a song, or even a whole album just describes your life perfectly? And somehow you discover it right when you need it (right when you need someone to understand all the unspeakable thoughts that are flying through your mind...)
The tone too.
Relaxed and soft, but intense.
"how the wind in your hair now feels differently"
I'm trying to deconstruct the album. I remember you said you thought it could be a story. Can't put it together all the way right now.
I just know there are some lines in there that are really speaking to me right now.
--
Today, walking from Snoqualmie to North Bend. The wind danced with my hair. The sun held my skin. Life just seemed to surround me. I was so light. Walking felt like flying.
It was probably one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I was happy. I was practically in tears at the thought that I can actually be so happy. And so balanced, and so content, that I can't even control a smile. Not just a smile either. A huge, invincible grin, that made people turn their heads and wonder what could possibly inspire such joy.
I am happy because I'm alive, and today was a beautiful day to be alive.
I am happy because I'm growing; changing, but also accepting the parts of me that are constant.
Oh, that reminds me... I was re-reading some of the posts I wrote before camp. Because of how I felt/feel today, I was shocked by something I had said in June, in "beauty." I said:
"I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure."
I don't know how true or untrue that statement is, but I do know that I have thought it for years now. But suddenly, I feel I feel that I can transcend that about myself, by living a certain way. (God, I know I sound so crazy sometimes..) Either way, I felt so much overwhelming rightness today that I thought I was going to burst. At camp, that was fairly common, but I honestly thought that would leave the moment I got back here.
There was a moment in Grey's car yesterday, when... I felt this light leaving me. It was instant, but it was just... there was something there inside me, and then there wasn't. And I felt suddenly unfamiliar. Except that it was the dull feeling which I had accepted as natural for so long.
But then there was something else inside me, (not so physically present as the first one felt) and it refused to let me feel dark for more than a second. And even though I felt like something changed, I still felt amazing.
"weve got nowhere to go, but here."
The tone too.
Relaxed and soft, but intense.
"how the wind in your hair now feels differently"
I'm trying to deconstruct the album. I remember you said you thought it could be a story. Can't put it together all the way right now.
I just know there are some lines in there that are really speaking to me right now.
--
Today, walking from Snoqualmie to North Bend. The wind danced with my hair. The sun held my skin. Life just seemed to surround me. I was so light. Walking felt like flying.
It was probably one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I was happy. I was practically in tears at the thought that I can actually be so happy. And so balanced, and so content, that I can't even control a smile. Not just a smile either. A huge, invincible grin, that made people turn their heads and wonder what could possibly inspire such joy.
I am happy because I'm alive, and today was a beautiful day to be alive.
I am happy because I'm growing; changing, but also accepting the parts of me that are constant.
Oh, that reminds me... I was re-reading some of the posts I wrote before camp. Because of how I felt/feel today, I was shocked by something I had said in June, in "beauty." I said:
"I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure."
I don't know how true or untrue that statement is, but I do know that I have thought it for years now. But suddenly, I feel I feel that I can transcend that about myself, by living a certain way. (God, I know I sound so crazy sometimes..) Either way, I felt so much overwhelming rightness today that I thought I was going to burst. At camp, that was fairly common, but I honestly thought that would leave the moment I got back here.
There was a moment in Grey's car yesterday, when... I felt this light leaving me. It was instant, but it was just... there was something there inside me, and then there wasn't. And I felt suddenly unfamiliar. Except that it was the dull feeling which I had accepted as natural for so long.
But then there was something else inside me, (not so physically present as the first one felt) and it refused to let me feel dark for more than a second. And even though I felt like something changed, I still felt amazing.
"weve got nowhere to go, but here."
Goddamnit, I need a new notebook. Filled up the last one about a week ago.
I bought a new one, but it isn't right. Maybe I shouldn't be so picky... I just know the type I got fall apart really easily.
Whatever...
I decided to stay at Killoqua for another week instead of doing Summer Winds, and I made that decision even before Killoqua was sure they could pay me. I just knew I needed to be here. Here makes me happy.
Made?
Well... so far this week, I feel I am falling backwards into my normal state of feeling (or unfeeling, if you will).
But I am fighting that off.
And so is camp.
And its not that I feel alone...
even though I kinda am...
I just wish I had something stable.
Which is maybe why this Grey situation is taking a turn I didn't think it would.
I'd be really nice if I could do something without complete screwing it up, or messing myself up emotionally. That's what I like about camp... I feel that I am doing something good, and I feel good doing it.
Except this week, so far.
Mom is coming for my TO tomorrow.
I am on my Out right now, in the Staff room, waiting for Grey.
Maybe I am writing myself into a hole right now, because I am not expressing what I need to.
I need more time to myself. To reflect.
(It will come... you will miss this.)
Ok. time to go enjoy my last week here.
I bought a new one, but it isn't right. Maybe I shouldn't be so picky... I just know the type I got fall apart really easily.
Whatever...
I decided to stay at Killoqua for another week instead of doing Summer Winds, and I made that decision even before Killoqua was sure they could pay me. I just knew I needed to be here. Here makes me happy.
Made?
Well... so far this week, I feel I am falling backwards into my normal state of feeling (or unfeeling, if you will).
But I am fighting that off.
And so is camp.
And its not that I feel alone...
even though I kinda am...
I just wish I had something stable.
Which is maybe why this Grey situation is taking a turn I didn't think it would.
I'd be really nice if I could do something without complete screwing it up, or messing myself up emotionally. That's what I like about camp... I feel that I am doing something good, and I feel good doing it.
Except this week, so far.
Mom is coming for my TO tomorrow.
I am on my Out right now, in the Staff room, waiting for Grey.
Maybe I am writing myself into a hole right now, because I am not expressing what I need to.
I need more time to myself. To reflect.
(It will come... you will miss this.)
Ok. time to go enjoy my last week here.
- I was at Wee Theatre with my Whulje boys last week and they were messing around on stage, and one of them said "To be or not to be" and automatically I started reciting the rest of Hamlet's soliloquy. Granted, I only got about 5 more lines in before I blanked. That, and the kids thought I was crazy, ...and I kinda was crazy cause they asked me what it meant and I actually tried to explain it to them (10 year old boys...). Maybe that's not crazy. Maybe they should know. But they didn't understand anyway, and I felt strange that I had even tried to explain it. However, they kept asking me to recite it. And it really bothered me that I couldn't remember it all. :/
- HAMLET: To be, or not to be--that is the question:
- Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
- The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
- Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
- And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
- No more--and by a sleep to say we end
- The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
- That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
- Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
- To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
- For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
- When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
- Must give us pause. There's the respect
- That makes calamity of so long life.
- For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
- Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
- The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
- The insolence of office, and the spurns
- That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
- When he himself might his quietus make
- With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
- To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
- But that the dread of something after death,
- The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
- No traveler returns, puzzles the will,
- And makes us rather bear those ills we have
- Than fly to others that we know not of?
- Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
- And thus the native hue of resolution
- Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
- And enterprise of great pitch and moment
- With this regard their currents turn awry
- And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,
- The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
- Be all my sins remembered.
These problems, causing you grief, are so small when I look at the stars.
You ask what i am looking for, and in this world I do not know.
But when I look at the stars, I am looking for truth, and answers, and hope that there is something more than we can see. I am looking at questions that no one is able to answer without asking more questions. I am seeing the same stars that you are seeing, but maybe I am seeing them differently.
When I look at the stars I long to be floating out there with them, out there in outer-space. But it is only when I stop and realize that I am out there --out here-- floating around in space, that I feel safe. And home. I am surrounded, secure. I am where I belong. It isn't "out there", it is right here, and it is everywhere. I sit on this ball. And this ball floats in space. Like the stars.
Is it endless?
We have our star, bringing life.
Our moon, brought to life.
Our earth, our lives.
But we have this vastness surrounding it all, making it all real, by being so surreal.
Are we floating in an abyss, or are we floating in a rain drop, or are we rats in some experiment: Biosphere I.
(I am glad for contemplation, though I wish I had the words.)
(I always have the answers for You.. but never for me.)
I don't have an answer.
I don't know what I seek.
I only know that I will always be looking.
You ask what i am looking for, and in this world I do not know.
But when I look at the stars, I am looking for truth, and answers, and hope that there is something more than we can see. I am looking at questions that no one is able to answer without asking more questions. I am seeing the same stars that you are seeing, but maybe I am seeing them differently.
When I look at the stars I long to be floating out there with them, out there in outer-space. But it is only when I stop and realize that I am out there --out here-- floating around in space, that I feel safe. And home. I am surrounded, secure. I am where I belong. It isn't "out there", it is right here, and it is everywhere. I sit on this ball. And this ball floats in space. Like the stars.
Is it endless?
We have our star, bringing life.
Our moon, brought to life.
Our earth, our lives.
But we have this vastness surrounding it all, making it all real, by being so surreal.
Are we floating in an abyss, or are we floating in a rain drop, or are we rats in some experiment: Biosphere I.
(I am glad for contemplation, though I wish I had the words.)
(I always have the answers for You.. but never for me.)
I don't have an answer.
I don't know what I seek.
I only know that I will always be looking.
We sing that song after some of the meals. I love it. It makes me believe in wonderful feelings and wonderful days. It makes me appreciate the sunshine.
finishing that last post would be pointless.
dude... it feels so good to type and know that i have time to just say what I need to say.
I got my campers yesterday. Whulje boys (3rd and 4th grade). I was pretty nervous going into it, but I guess I wasnt anticipating the things I should have been. Once they were all dropped off, it was pretty much a nightmare... By dinner I was just using all my strength to fight off a total breakdown into tears. I couldnt get them to follow the rules, and worse, I couldnt even tell them the rules because I couldnt get their attention.
And on top of that, I felt like no one believed that I could do this.
But now I feel better about that.
I just know I wouldnt be able to do this without Showtime and Nemo and Feet and Yeti and Paws helping so much. Broadway has given me a lot of pointers too, and basically everyone has some advice or strategy for me to use to get them to be a bit more obedient.
While I was scheduling last night, they were playing games with Showtime. He is so good with kids that when I got them back, he had a code word, and whenever I say it they automatically run to me and listen. ...Like magic. ha. I am super thankful for him, and Nemo is such a good UC. He is so understanding and helpful. And we had kitchen setup this morning, and we didnt get it all done, but the UCs and Directors helped me right out, and it all turned out fine.
I feel good today. After yesterday I thought there was no way I was going to feel good ever all week, but I actually do. I'm excited to be a councelor and not be in the Arts and Crafts room all week. I just hope I can stay calm and keep them under control.
I'm not gonna lie though, I miss living in Gypsy with Pez and Showtime and Sandals. That was a good week, last week. Especially our overnight in the Environmental Center. All my living situations have been pretty good. I liked living in Tapala in a staff cabin a couple weeks ago. And Owakna wasnt bad either, after I got use to it.
Right now I am chilling and listening to music in the staff room for my TO. Its so nice to just relax and enjoy music.
This weekend was awesome too. Spontaneously Amazon invited a bunch of people to her house. Me, Showtime, Gameboy, and Sandals went with her. She lives in Port Orchard but her brother had a swim meet in Federal Way so we drove there on Saturday and I met my dad for lunch which was perfect. I loved spending time with him. We also got some new shoes, jeans and shorts for me. Lucky because this week is supposed to be record breaking heat, and my shoes were practically falling off my feet. Plus I havent had new jeans forever. (PS. I love Goodwill!)
I met the camp people back at the Aquatic Center and we watched a couple races (and bet on them... which I won). After Amazon's brother's race and then we all headed out to PO. We got to her beautiful house covered in flowers and neat things everywhere. She and her grandparents share a yard and a pool, and there are horse barns and pastures, and they have a goose, and cool climbing structures that he dad built. We went swimming, had a BBQ, celebrated with some of her family for birthdays, ate cake, played with potato guns, climbed up her princess tower (which I am super jealous of), took pictures, and just hung out. We got drinks and candy and watched this super awesome movie called "Mysterious Island" which pretty much rivals "The Caveman" for how much me and Alicia would appreciate it. (Can't wait to show her).
I really liked hanging out with all of them. Amazon and I found a common obsession (Twilgiht...duh), ^_^ and raved about it for hours. Sandals is a really chill guy, and is always making people laugh. Gameboy reminds me of Nathan and Zak and Alex, and he and Showtime are going to PAX so that is gonna be a blast! Showtime and I went on a night swim in the pool and watched the stars. It was beautiful. We also stayed up til like 3AM talking. We had a good talk the night before too (our last night in Gypsy) until about 2. We might go see Blink 182 together.
Anyway. I love these people. I love it here.
This is one of my best summers ever. I feel genuinly happy so much of the time. I can still feel my darker side trying to come out and overtake me again, but something about this place and these people seems to help fight it back. Sometimes the sadness breaks through a bit. Sometimes I feel hopeless, like I did in Highschool, but it is occasional, and it is fleeting. On the other hand, its been so long since I found myself laughing so hard that it hurts, but now it happens pretty much everyday. And it isnt the insane fits of laughter that make me cry afterwards, like at Evergreen. Its the good kind, that make me feel light and joyful.
I miss people from North Bend, and Seattle. And from Oregon. And from Evergreen. But I know this is where I should be right now.
What a wonderful feeling that is.
PS. Tyler, I did get tagged out of the game. I will explain later... it was pretty bad. There are technically 3 people left, but one is sick. The new rules are way too intense now anyway. The game ends tomorrow now and a new one starts.
finishing that last post would be pointless.
dude... it feels so good to type and know that i have time to just say what I need to say.
I got my campers yesterday. Whulje boys (3rd and 4th grade). I was pretty nervous going into it, but I guess I wasnt anticipating the things I should have been. Once they were all dropped off, it was pretty much a nightmare... By dinner I was just using all my strength to fight off a total breakdown into tears. I couldnt get them to follow the rules, and worse, I couldnt even tell them the rules because I couldnt get their attention.
And on top of that, I felt like no one believed that I could do this.
But now I feel better about that.
I just know I wouldnt be able to do this without Showtime and Nemo and Feet and Yeti and Paws helping so much. Broadway has given me a lot of pointers too, and basically everyone has some advice or strategy for me to use to get them to be a bit more obedient.
While I was scheduling last night, they were playing games with Showtime. He is so good with kids that when I got them back, he had a code word, and whenever I say it they automatically run to me and listen. ...Like magic. ha. I am super thankful for him, and Nemo is such a good UC. He is so understanding and helpful. And we had kitchen setup this morning, and we didnt get it all done, but the UCs and Directors helped me right out, and it all turned out fine.
I feel good today. After yesterday I thought there was no way I was going to feel good ever all week, but I actually do. I'm excited to be a councelor and not be in the Arts and Crafts room all week. I just hope I can stay calm and keep them under control.
I'm not gonna lie though, I miss living in Gypsy with Pez and Showtime and Sandals. That was a good week, last week. Especially our overnight in the Environmental Center. All my living situations have been pretty good. I liked living in Tapala in a staff cabin a couple weeks ago. And Owakna wasnt bad either, after I got use to it.
Right now I am chilling and listening to music in the staff room for my TO. Its so nice to just relax and enjoy music.
This weekend was awesome too. Spontaneously Amazon invited a bunch of people to her house. Me, Showtime, Gameboy, and Sandals went with her. She lives in Port Orchard but her brother had a swim meet in Federal Way so we drove there on Saturday and I met my dad for lunch which was perfect. I loved spending time with him. We also got some new shoes, jeans and shorts for me. Lucky because this week is supposed to be record breaking heat, and my shoes were practically falling off my feet. Plus I havent had new jeans forever. (PS. I love Goodwill!)
I met the camp people back at the Aquatic Center and we watched a couple races (and bet on them... which I won). After Amazon's brother's race and then we all headed out to PO. We got to her beautiful house covered in flowers and neat things everywhere. She and her grandparents share a yard and a pool, and there are horse barns and pastures, and they have a goose, and cool climbing structures that he dad built. We went swimming, had a BBQ, celebrated with some of her family for birthdays, ate cake, played with potato guns, climbed up her princess tower (which I am super jealous of), took pictures, and just hung out. We got drinks and candy and watched this super awesome movie called "Mysterious Island" which pretty much rivals "The Caveman" for how much me and Alicia would appreciate it. (Can't wait to show her).
I really liked hanging out with all of them. Amazon and I found a common obsession (Twilgiht...duh), ^_^ and raved about it for hours. Sandals is a really chill guy, and is always making people laugh. Gameboy reminds me of Nathan and Zak and Alex, and he and Showtime are going to PAX so that is gonna be a blast! Showtime and I went on a night swim in the pool and watched the stars. It was beautiful. We also stayed up til like 3AM talking. We had a good talk the night before too (our last night in Gypsy) until about 2. We might go see Blink 182 together.
Anyway. I love these people. I love it here.
This is one of my best summers ever. I feel genuinly happy so much of the time. I can still feel my darker side trying to come out and overtake me again, but something about this place and these people seems to help fight it back. Sometimes the sadness breaks through a bit. Sometimes I feel hopeless, like I did in Highschool, but it is occasional, and it is fleeting. On the other hand, its been so long since I found myself laughing so hard that it hurts, but now it happens pretty much everyday. And it isnt the insane fits of laughter that make me cry afterwards, like at Evergreen. Its the good kind, that make me feel light and joyful.
I miss people from North Bend, and Seattle. And from Oregon. And from Evergreen. But I know this is where I should be right now.
What a wonderful feeling that is.
PS. Tyler, I did get tagged out of the game. I will explain later... it was pretty bad. There are technically 3 people left, but one is sick. The new rules are way too intense now anyway. The game ends tomorrow now and a new one starts.
i feel so down. i have very little time to write, and a lot to say.
my stupid dream was the perfect preface to my day. it set the tone really (or at least, the realization that it was only a dream).
it was a dream that he --i dont know how to specify which "he"-- professed his love for me. it was basically: "i'm in love with you Alex" (or ACE... i cant remember which he used, but i know there was the possibility of either... so that narrows it down to the people who call me ACE, which include Nygil, my soccer coach, and the people from camp.
anyway, it was someone from camp...wonder who... (damn... four minutes to get to Gypsy.)
i didnt believe him. i thought he was playing me
but he found me again and told me to kiss him.
...kissing in dreams... that is strange. especially if you have never kissed that person in real life.
fuck. i will finish this later.
my stupid dream was the perfect preface to my day. it set the tone really (or at least, the realization that it was only a dream).
it was a dream that he --i dont know how to specify which "he"-- professed his love for me. it was basically: "i'm in love with you Alex" (or ACE... i cant remember which he used, but i know there was the possibility of either... so that narrows it down to the people who call me ACE, which include Nygil, my soccer coach, and the people from camp.
anyway, it was someone from camp...wonder who... (damn... four minutes to get to Gypsy.)
i didnt believe him. i thought he was playing me
but he found me again and told me to kiss him.
...kissing in dreams... that is strange. especially if you have never kissed that person in real life.
fuck. i will finish this later.
I like it here. A lot.
^_^
^_^
the more mortality I witness
the more invincible I must become.
The harder the world pushes, the harder I want to push back.
The world won't break...
Will I?
the more invincible I must become.
The harder the world pushes, the harder I want to push back.
The world won't break...
Will I?
"i'm so sick, infected with where i live. let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness. i'm so sick."
and the entire album through:
"i'm praying that we will see something there, in between then and there, that exceeds all we can dream."
and the entire album through:
"i'm praying that we will see something there, in between then and there, that exceeds all we can dream."
and then he calls.
drunk.
my fuckin favorite
thing to happen
in the middle
of a mental breakdown.
drunk.
my fuckin favorite
thing to happen
in the middle
of a mental breakdown.
but i guess it doesn't matter.
not tonight.
(thanks tyler)
not tonight.
(thanks tyler)
you treat me like the most beautiful, most special thing in the whole world.
why is that not enough for me?
this is sad.
i feel sad,
because...
...it takes running naked across the Safeway strip mall to make me feel alive.
...i'm gonna be so lonely this summer.
...i'm gonna be so lonely at school next year.
...you feel you have to lie to me about these things.
...i feel everything, and it always leaves me feeling numb.
...i loved you so much, and i didn't help anything, i only made it worse.
...life is so boring compared to fiction.
...i hate this meaninglessness, and yet I seem to be looking for more of it.
...i really don't want you to die like this, i'm gonna miss you so much.
...i don't ever want to be away from you, but whenever i'm with you, i push you away.
...i can't escape this place, or these people, especially him.
...people like that exist.
...i wonder if i have gotten anywhere, and where exactly i am trying to get to anyway.
why is that not enough for me?
this is sad.
i feel sad,
because...
...it takes running naked across the Safeway strip mall to make me feel alive.
...i'm gonna be so lonely this summer.
...i'm gonna be so lonely at school next year.
...you feel you have to lie to me about these things.
...i feel everything, and it always leaves me feeling numb.
...i loved you so much, and i didn't help anything, i only made it worse.
...life is so boring compared to fiction.
...i hate this meaninglessness, and yet I seem to be looking for more of it.
...i really don't want you to die like this, i'm gonna miss you so much.
...i don't ever want to be away from you, but whenever i'm with you, i push you away.
...i can't escape this place, or these people, especially him.
...people like that exist.
...i wonder if i have gotten anywhere, and where exactly i am trying to get to anyway.
loyalty
honesty
love
i don't know what anything means anymore.
i feel sick to my stomach.
honesty
love
i don't know what anything means anymore.
i feel sick to my stomach.
sometimes you are so wise
and sometimes you are foolish beyond my comprehension.
something I have learned this week:
Love is not strong enough.
Loving someone is not enough.
Even if you pour your heart and soul into someone's well-being, you can never protect them... you can never save them, especially from themselves.
Love is not enough.
Love is enough.
Yours is enough to keep me alive.
My love for nature and the precious moments of beauty are enough to keep me from making the jump, as exhilarating is it may have been to leap off that bridge and fall so slowly I would fly... and then I would die.
Love for my family is enough that despite the treachery of this world and its people, I need no one else but them to be okay, and have a will to stay alive.
But...
I will be honest. There was a moment of consideration. It was enough to get me to my feet and stare at the structure loom taller and taller as I walked toward.
The consideration was this:
Maybe I was right all along that I am meant to die for the ones I love. And maybe this would be the only way they might see.
The counter-argument is this:
Find the beauty in the filth.
I can be the beauty. And if I am, then I cannot die, else all hope be lost that love and beauty can overcome.
The problem:
I am probably not that significant.
I only say these things to give my life meaning when I feel I have none, and no one.
My life is as meaningless, or only as meaningful, as the rest.
I stay alive for me, because I long to see the beauty as much as I can before my time.
The kicker is this:
I suffer.
And I always will.
That is another thing I learned this week, I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure.
Unsure,
always.
You probably all are too.
Well, some.
Some of you have faith.
And some of you have escape.
But me...
again, not to say that I am special, but I am different.
Everyone who has ever known me well has always told me that,
and I always somehow knew it,
but only now am I starting to truly believe it.
Your words,
your actions,
the ways of this world
turn my mind to jolted-illogical-electrical static that makes my head spin.
sometimes you are wise...
sometimes I despise everything about you.
sometimes I can't wrap my head around reality.
sometimes fantastical worlds with vampire lovers, and werewolf friends would just somehow make more sense.
but always,
ALWAYS
I will be...
I will meet others
I will not do...
I will find more truth
I will love...
and maybe I will waste my time
and maybe I will waste away
and maybe someday I will find that love can be enough,
that my love can be enough
for someone else
that I can be enough
for myself.
I feel so useless.
and sometimes you are foolish beyond my comprehension.
something I have learned this week:
Love is not strong enough.
Loving someone is not enough.
Even if you pour your heart and soul into someone's well-being, you can never protect them... you can never save them, especially from themselves.
Love is not enough.
Love is enough.
Yours is enough to keep me alive.
My love for nature and the precious moments of beauty are enough to keep me from making the jump, as exhilarating is it may have been to leap off that bridge and fall so slowly I would fly... and then I would die.
Love for my family is enough that despite the treachery of this world and its people, I need no one else but them to be okay, and have a will to stay alive.
But...
I will be honest. There was a moment of consideration. It was enough to get me to my feet and stare at the structure loom taller and taller as I walked toward.
The consideration was this:
Maybe I was right all along that I am meant to die for the ones I love. And maybe this would be the only way they might see.
The counter-argument is this:
Find the beauty in the filth.
I can be the beauty. And if I am, then I cannot die, else all hope be lost that love and beauty can overcome.
The problem:
I am probably not that significant.
I only say these things to give my life meaning when I feel I have none, and no one.
My life is as meaningless, or only as meaningful, as the rest.
I stay alive for me, because I long to see the beauty as much as I can before my time.
The kicker is this:
I suffer.
And I always will.
That is another thing I learned this week, I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure.
Unsure,
always.
You probably all are too.
Well, some.
Some of you have faith.
And some of you have escape.
But me...
again, not to say that I am special, but I am different.
Everyone who has ever known me well has always told me that,
and I always somehow knew it,
but only now am I starting to truly believe it.
Your words,
your actions,
the ways of this world
turn my mind to jolted-illogical-electrical static that makes my head spin.
sometimes you are wise...
sometimes I despise everything about you.
sometimes I can't wrap my head around reality.
sometimes fantastical worlds with vampire lovers, and werewolf friends would just somehow make more sense.
but always,
ALWAYS
I will be...
I will meet others
I will not do...
I will find more truth
I will love...
and maybe I will waste my time
and maybe I will waste away
and maybe someday I will find that love can be enough,
that my love can be enough
for someone else
that I can be enough
for myself.
I feel so useless.
"you made up your mind to leave it all behind, but now you're forced to fight it out. you fall away from your past, but its following you."
"there's really no way to reach me, cause I'm already gone..."
i'm too lazy to write anymore...
"there's really no way to reach me, cause I'm already gone..."
i'm too lazy to write anymore...
Tyler Allen says:
That is a great entry. If I had to pick something to describe you I would pick water.
*alex* says:
interesting.
*alex* says:
nygil picked air
Tyler Allen says:
air is affected by everything but it doesn't matter for the air. if something gets it its way it goes around or blows some where else. Water is also afected by everything but it can't just blow away. When it's cold ot it freezes, when it's sunny it warms. But through all of this it is moving and changing, affecting everything around it.
That is a great entry. If I had to pick something to describe you I would pick water.
*alex* says:
interesting.
*alex* says:
nygil picked air
Tyler Allen says:
air is affected by everything but it doesn't matter for the air. if something gets it its way it goes around or blows some where else. Water is also afected by everything but it can't just blow away. When it's cold ot it freezes, when it's sunny it warms. But through all of this it is moving and changing, affecting everything around it.
*sigh*
...but...
it is better now.
i think what hurts the most (was being so close! ...no, just kidding ^_^)
is the nostalgia.
i mean, like i said before: maybe remembering is my "problem".
well... yea! it fucking hurts to think about times that don't exist anymore, or people who have changed so extraordinarily much that you can hardly recognize them as the same person you once knew.
("love is watching someone die" -DCFC)
but... the fact that they once existed... that means something.
"I'm staring at what once was the wall" -The Fray
(i know the song is talking about something else, but this is what it means to me.)
maybe something once was my wall, protecting me from the world.
maybe I'm looking at it now, and i realize that those walls are broken and they will never protect me again...
(or... maybe the fragments can still shield me from certain pain at certain times: "As you handed me those sunglasses and motioned for me to put them over my tear-stricken eyes, I recognized that look across your face of purity and kindness. I hesitated to put them on, but realized that this was your intention-- to hide me from the world and keep me and my pain to yourself when you would pass no judgment and where no one else could say a word. And i felt safe, once again, by your hand" -Journal 3, 9/26/07)
...i remember that,
and it doesn't hurt.
and you suddenly realize that things have changed so much that there is a rift... something you can see across, but you can't quite get across. you can change, and things can keep changing,
but...
some things will always change,
some things will never change,
there are no guarantees.
only opportunities.
"possibility is what makes life go on" -Alicia
("maybe in 5 or 10 yours and mine will meet again, straighten this whole thing out" -The Fray)
i won't know.
i can't know right now.
but i can remember.
and i can feel -good or bad- whatever emotion those memories evoke.
("the gift of memory's an awful curse. with age it just gets much worse. but i won't mind..." -DCFC)
wow... I'm tired.
I'm confused.
I'm lonely.
I'm anxious.
I'm ready for my trip. Right now.
Right.
now.
I want to be isolated,
so I can think,
so I can be.
At least I am going to camp soon. I need to be away. To meet new people. To be a leader. To make a difference. To grow. To change.
Yea, to get the fuck outta here,
figure out what I want.
*sigh* I feel like my summer freedom is coming to an end shortly, but I know I couldn't survive here much longer anyway.
Now I'm rambling.
I think I got to the point.
I feel alright. Drifty. Alone.
But... I think I'm okay with it ...Even if it is a bit uncomfortable.
...but...
it is better now.
i think what hurts the most (was being so close! ...no, just kidding ^_^)
is the nostalgia.
i mean, like i said before: maybe remembering is my "problem".
well... yea! it fucking hurts to think about times that don't exist anymore, or people who have changed so extraordinarily much that you can hardly recognize them as the same person you once knew.
("love is watching someone die" -DCFC)
but... the fact that they once existed... that means something.
"I'm staring at what once was the wall" -The Fray
(i know the song is talking about something else, but this is what it means to me.)
maybe something once was my wall, protecting me from the world.
maybe I'm looking at it now, and i realize that those walls are broken and they will never protect me again...
(or... maybe the fragments can still shield me from certain pain at certain times: "As you handed me those sunglasses and motioned for me to put them over my tear-stricken eyes, I recognized that look across your face of purity and kindness. I hesitated to put them on, but realized that this was your intention-- to hide me from the world and keep me and my pain to yourself when you would pass no judgment and where no one else could say a word. And i felt safe, once again, by your hand" -Journal 3, 9/26/07)
...i remember that,
and it doesn't hurt.
and you suddenly realize that things have changed so much that there is a rift... something you can see across, but you can't quite get across. you can change, and things can keep changing,
but...
some things will always change,
some things will never change,
there are no guarantees.
only opportunities.
"possibility is what makes life go on" -Alicia
("maybe in 5 or 10 yours and mine will meet again, straighten this whole thing out" -The Fray)
i won't know.
i can't know right now.
but i can remember.
and i can feel -good or bad- whatever emotion those memories evoke.
("the gift of memory's an awful curse. with age it just gets much worse. but i won't mind..." -DCFC)
wow... I'm tired.
I'm confused.
I'm lonely.
I'm anxious.
I'm ready for my trip. Right now.
Right.
now.
I want to be isolated,
so I can think,
so I can be.
At least I am going to camp soon. I need to be away. To meet new people. To be a leader. To make a difference. To grow. To change.
Yea, to get the fuck outta here,
figure out what I want.
*sigh* I feel like my summer freedom is coming to an end shortly, but I know I couldn't survive here much longer anyway.
Now I'm rambling.
I think I got to the point.
I feel alright. Drifty. Alone.
But... I think I'm okay with it ...Even if it is a bit uncomfortable.
here is a sample of pictures from this week.
the Ballyhoo, NBE park, Bellevue Square, my room, Si View,
Green La
ke
, and celebrations for Mt Si graduates
the Ballyhoo, NBE park, Bellevue Square, my room, Si View,
Green La
ke
, and celebrations for Mt Si graduates
laying awake, under a green light.
under a blue light,
under the moon light,
under the star light.
do you remember?
all I want is to lay awake with someone,
talk,
listen to the frogs,
cry,
take blurred pictures with the colored lights.
I want freedom,
(or do)
under a blue light,
under the moon light,
under the star light.
do you remember?
all I want is to lay awake with someone,
talk,
listen to the frogs,
cry,
take blurred pictures with the colored lights.
I want freedom,
(or do)
I want love.
(?)
oh, isn't there a balance?
i won't lie,
i feel so desperate.
hopeless
somehow.
ah, do you remember?
this pain, or that?
does it really matter which?
maybe remembering is my problem.
i feel so desperate.
hopeless
somehow.
ah, do you remember?
this pain, or that?
does it really matter which?
maybe remembering is my problem.
these last few days have been overwhelming in so many ways.
*sigh*
*sigh*
I read too much into everything.
But...
fire seems to be a theme lately.
But...
fire seems to be a theme lately.
i heard that saying twice in the same day last week. it was when i missed the bus, "missed" the train , and my mom decided to take me back to Evergreen. She said it at one of the stations. and then when we were in Olympia at Staples, a guy in line in front of us said it again.
and the other day, I know i said "don't make plans" but i thought i was losing everything... i donno why, but i really felt that way that day, and i was ready to leave anything that was left behind. BUT, i'm not leaving yet. Not until next Spring.
anyway...
here are my plans
*knock on wood*
i just got $35 from Evergreen paying me for the note-taker thing... uhh yea. not a lot, but i can dig it. i fuckin got paid to take notes i would have taken anyway. haha.
I have maybe $400 or 500 saved up from working last summer, ect.
This summer I am making about $1,500 at resident camp
... and hopefully $600 at Becca's day camp.
Alright... so that is enough to cover the class cost of my trip to Peru (plus some of airfare)
Mom and dad want to help... but I kinda wanna do this myself (especially if I want to have extra to pay for the time after the official trip ends).
So... hopefully Stuart will finally pay me the $300 for the drum set
If I get the internship and then the tutoring position (which would be RAD... can't wait to find out!) then I donno what that pay is, but I don't care... I'd be getting paid to do something I'd do for free (wow, im good). Anyway, it is some money, and it'll help. (Winter quarter.)
Fall quarter I doubt I can take 18 or 20 credits (a 20 credit workload either way), AND have a job, AND have a social life, AND sleep.
lame.
But... I think I can pull the trip off.
Another way i might save money is living off campus. Martha suggested that she would provide a room in exchange for pet care. damn! im good with that. maybe, eventually, i will take that up (like when i am in better shape, and can easily bike between campus and her house).
alright.
this song won't leave my head:
"every new beginning is some other beginning's end"
well fuck. i wouldnt exactly call today a beginning or an ending, but it sure was something.
(and would it be wrong of me to say, Matt, that I love you even more than ever now?)
*sigh*
long couple of days. physically (ran a good 30 minutes straight the other day, and rode my bike pretty fast into NB yesterday, then spent like 3 or 4 hours on the bus), and emotionally.
time to pass out.
uhh... after i find, catch, and release (outside) this spider friend that just dangled down beside me, and crawled away to hide. :/
and the other day, I know i said "don't make plans" but i thought i was losing everything... i donno why, but i really felt that way that day, and i was ready to leave anything that was left behind. BUT, i'm not leaving yet. Not until next Spring.
anyway...
here are my plans
*knock on wood*
i just got $35 from Evergreen paying me for the note-taker thing... uhh yea. not a lot, but i can dig it. i fuckin got paid to take notes i would have taken anyway. haha.
I have maybe $400 or 500 saved up from working last summer, ect.
This summer I am making about $1,500 at resident camp
... and hopefully $600 at Becca's day camp.
Alright... so that is enough to cover the class cost of my trip to Peru (plus some of airfare)
Mom and dad want to help... but I kinda wanna do this myself (especially if I want to have extra to pay for the time after the official trip ends).
So... hopefully Stuart will finally pay me the $300 for the drum set
If I get the internship and then the tutoring position (which would be RAD... can't wait to find out!) then I donno what that pay is, but I don't care... I'd be getting paid to do something I'd do for free (wow, im good). Anyway, it is some money, and it'll help. (Winter quarter.)
Fall quarter I doubt I can take 18 or 20 credits (a 20 credit workload either way), AND have a job, AND have a social life, AND sleep.
lame.
But... I think I can pull the trip off.
Another way i might save money is living off campus. Martha suggested that she would provide a room in exchange for pet care. damn! im good with that. maybe, eventually, i will take that up (like when i am in better shape, and can easily bike between campus and her house).
alright.
this song won't leave my head:
"every new beginning is some other beginning's end"
well fuck. i wouldnt exactly call today a beginning or an ending, but it sure was something.
(and would it be wrong of me to say, Matt, that I love you even more than ever now?)
*sigh*
long couple of days. physically (ran a good 30 minutes straight the other day, and rode my bike pretty fast into NB yesterday, then spent like 3 or 4 hours on the bus), and emotionally.
time to pass out.
uhh... after i find, catch, and release (outside) this spider friend that just dangled down beside me, and crawled away to hide. :/
Honestly,
this sucks.
(1:35 am)
this sucks.
(1:35 am)
being aware of your hypocrisy doesn't make you less of a hypocrite.
right?
right?
don't make plans,
just. go.
just. go.
Paramore, M83, Trash80, Justice, MSTRKRFT, Rent soundtrack, Across the Universe soundtrack, Silversun Pickups, Heart, John Williams (Star Wars soundtrack), Enchanted soundtrack
I have just been in a downloading/listening/singing frenzy.
<3
(2:23am)
I have just been in a downloading/listening/singing frenzy.
<3
(2:23am)
it was unexpected.
and it hurt.
and the future might hurt.
and the hole inside me might hurt.
"[...] and yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain --aching loss that radiated from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and my head-- but it was manageable. I could live through it. I didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it."
and it hurt.
and the future might hurt.
and the hole inside me might hurt.
"[...] and yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain --aching loss that radiated from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and my head-- but it was manageable. I could live through it. I didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it."
This is stupid.
Stupid timing.
Stupid of me to hurt.
Stupid to reference stupid stories.
Stupid that this stupid pain can still exist, and be evoked so meaninglessly.
I'm beating myself now for something I couldn't change,
something I could never change
and something that even if I did change, never would have happened differently.
I don't even know what part of this I am referencing anymore.
Or if I believe anything I said, or anything that happened, or anything that might happen.
I thought I escaped this.
Why is it following me?
It doesn't hurt as much as it once did. I don't think (well I hope) that it never will again.
But life sure is driving me somewhere... it is keeping me at Evergreen next year for a reason, and I can't help but wonder if that is where it is leading...
Can you blame me? to wonder... to hope even.
It hurts to hope.
It hurts to think of either way that this could end up (or another way that I can't even anticipate right now.)
It hurts to know that I can't escape
and its scary that part of me doesn't even want to.
Stupid timing.
Stupid of me to hurt.
Stupid to reference stupid stories.
Stupid that this stupid pain can still exist, and be evoked so meaninglessly.
I'm beating myself now for something I couldn't change,
something I could never change
and something that even if I did change, never would have happened differently.
I don't even know what part of this I am referencing anymore.
Or if I believe anything I said, or anything that happened, or anything that might happen.
I thought I escaped this.
Why is it following me?
It doesn't hurt as much as it once did. I don't think (well I hope) that it never will again.
But life sure is driving me somewhere... it is keeping me at Evergreen next year for a reason, and I can't help but wonder if that is where it is leading...
Can you blame me? to wonder... to hope even.
It hurts to hope.
It hurts to think of either way that this could end up (or another way that I can't even anticipate right now.)
It hurts to know that I can't escape
and its scary that part of me doesn't even want to.
oh my god...
What in the fuck just happened.......?
I forgot how much that hurt.
"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time." -New Moon.
What in the fuck just happened.......?
I forgot how much that hurt.
"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time." -New Moon.
So just got back from chillin with Ben Gore and Randy. We went to a neat show with Ben's friends Cooper and Kelsey. Kelsey and I are in the same program next year, so it is neat that I am gonna know someone. She's super nice.
I took pictures at the show. It was outside of a bar and there was only one light, so I had my ISO cranked up, and it was still pretty hard to get a still shot. But I think I actually got some good ones, and one of the band members of Strings'n'Things asked me to send him some of them. That's pretty cool. :P The other band was called Malicious Discharge. haha. Both played really interesting, somewhat amazing music.
Lots of people talked to me, cause I had a camera, and thought it was for an article or something. And, the bartender was really nice. He thought I was funny cause I kept asking for more and more water. Haha... I had to keep hydrated and keep my throat from getting too sore from all the cigarette smoke.
Hmm.. Ben and Randy and the bands and everyone messed around and had this like... hugh. musical. orgy. (hah, thats how they described it).
Oh, and tonight, I really do have the apartment to myself. Everyone went to the rave. Its like in the woods and its a camping thing.
I'm really glad I didnt go, cause I had fun doing what I did... but I am pretty curious about whats going on.
Earlier I went with Tyler and Daniel to Red Robin. We were about to go see Up, but I got a phone call from Ben, and decided to join him on his adventures with Randy, who randomly decided to drive down to Oly tonight.
Yea.. the rest of the day was really... blah. I woke up. Wrote my eval for PacNW, went to my eval conference, which was... ha... slightly amazing, slightly pathetic.
It basically consisted of Liza telling me how great she thinks i am, at writing, thinking, photography. They would all be fantastic compliments, but... I don't think she has very high standards. And she acknowledged that I was like way beyond the work we were doing in that class.. so I am glad she at least saw that. She also really encouraged me to pursue photography, and when we were walking to Registration to figure something out, we ran into a main guy from the photo lab, so she introduced me, which was neat.
Yea... so then I went and ate. And Tyler met me to eat but I was done, so we went to drop my paper off at Anne and Lin's office so they could see how much I butchered the information on Asarco that they have spent years trying to gather. :/ Hope they like some of it though cause I'd like to work with them in the future.
A few things to remember to do in the fall:
-present drum to Longhouse at reopening, with Liza.
-go with Anne and Lin's class to tour old Asarco site.
-check out what's going on with Growing Places.
Man, fall is gonna be busy, whether or not I get that internship (*crosses fingers*).
If I do... that will be either 18 or 20 credits, depending on what I wanna pay for.
And Alicia will be here which will be fantastic. I will wanna catch up with friends (...friends. XD I actually have friends here now!!)
I think I should get a job, something part time, until the internship turns into a job (assuming that is how it goes. *crosses other fingers*)
I'm gonna wanna keep in shape... so running will definately be part of my schedule.
SPEAKING OF RUNNING:
I went on an amazing run today. Like... I think one of the best ever!!
Seriously... I had a good pace the whole way. I lengthened the course. And at the end, I was still able to finish by sprinting like I always do... but longer! When I ended up back at the dorms I could have kept going, but I was kinda trying to catch dinner at the greenery (which I missed... hence Red Robin). But yea. I was dripping sweat, and heaving.
...this is the beauty of anger/frusteration/anxiety. those things that motivated the intesity of the run, and thinking about how it felt just makes me feel great!
Not that I feel great right now...
But I do feel.
and that is a start.
so yea. I worked on evals more, packed a bit, and watched half of twilight before my run.
hmm. i need to finish writing my evals before i leave tomorrow.
i need to pack.
i need to clean the fuckin apartment.
im gonna go work on those things now. :)
I took pictures at the show. It was outside of a bar and there was only one light, so I had my ISO cranked up, and it was still pretty hard to get a still shot. But I think I actually got some good ones, and one of the band members of Strings'n'Things asked me to send him some of them. That's pretty cool. :P The other band was called Malicious Discharge. haha. Both played really interesting, somewhat amazing music.
Lots of people talked to me, cause I had a camera, and thought it was for an article or something. And, the bartender was really nice. He thought I was funny cause I kept asking for more and more water. Haha... I had to keep hydrated and keep my throat from getting too sore from all the cigarette smoke.
Hmm.. Ben and Randy and the bands and everyone messed around and had this like... hugh. musical. orgy. (hah, thats how they described it).
Oh, and tonight, I really do have the apartment to myself. Everyone went to the rave. Its like in the woods and its a camping thing.
I'm really glad I didnt go, cause I had fun doing what I did... but I am pretty curious about whats going on.
Earlier I went with Tyler and Daniel to Red Robin. We were about to go see Up, but I got a phone call from Ben, and decided to join him on his adventures with Randy, who randomly decided to drive down to Oly tonight.
Yea.. the rest of the day was really... blah. I woke up. Wrote my eval for PacNW, went to my eval conference, which was... ha... slightly amazing, slightly pathetic.
It basically consisted of Liza telling me how great she thinks i am, at writing, thinking, photography. They would all be fantastic compliments, but... I don't think she has very high standards. And she acknowledged that I was like way beyond the work we were doing in that class.. so I am glad she at least saw that. She also really encouraged me to pursue photography, and when we were walking to Registration to figure something out, we ran into a main guy from the photo lab, so she introduced me, which was neat.
Yea... so then I went and ate. And Tyler met me to eat but I was done, so we went to drop my paper off at Anne and Lin's office so they could see how much I butchered the information on Asarco that they have spent years trying to gather. :/ Hope they like some of it though cause I'd like to work with them in the future.
A few things to remember to do in the fall:
-present drum to Longhouse at reopening, with Liza.
-go with Anne and Lin's class to tour old Asarco site.
-check out what's going on with Growing Places.
Man, fall is gonna be busy, whether or not I get that internship (*crosses fingers*).
If I do... that will be either 18 or 20 credits, depending on what I wanna pay for.
And Alicia will be here which will be fantastic. I will wanna catch up with friends (...friends. XD I actually have friends here now!!)
I think I should get a job, something part time, until the internship turns into a job (assuming that is how it goes. *crosses other fingers*)
I'm gonna wanna keep in shape... so running will definately be part of my schedule.
SPEAKING OF RUNNING:
I went on an amazing run today. Like... I think one of the best ever!!
Seriously... I had a good pace the whole way. I lengthened the course. And at the end, I was still able to finish by sprinting like I always do... but longer! When I ended up back at the dorms I could have kept going, but I was kinda trying to catch dinner at the greenery (which I missed... hence Red Robin). But yea. I was dripping sweat, and heaving.
...this is the beauty of anger/frusteration/anxiety. those things that motivated the intesity of the run, and thinking about how it felt just makes me feel great!
Not that I feel great right now...
But I do feel.
and that is a start.
so yea. I worked on evals more, packed a bit, and watched half of twilight before my run.
hmm. i need to finish writing my evals before i leave tomorrow.
i need to pack.
i need to clean the fuckin apartment.
im gonna go work on those things now. :)
Tierney is here, and I think Mary might be coming back.
Now the place wont be empty at least.
Now the place wont be empty at least.
I literally have the whole apartment to myself tonight. Courtney is never here. Allie moved out already. Ariana just left to go see Doober. And I think Mary and Jordan are up in Mukilteo.
All to myself for the night. This is the first time ever.
And... Ariana gave me "Into the Wild" the book. And I also have her copy of the movie. Both are tempting, but some part of me thinks I shouldn't do that to myself.
I still need to write my eval, but when I'm done with that?
I could go back to the BBQ at Erik and Rachel's.
I could watch Twilight Zone with Nygil.
I could hang out with Tyler, track Annie down, go to Rob's.
I could watch a movie and eat the ice cream Nygil bought for me last night.
I could vacuum (start cleaning my portion of the apartment before I leave).
I wish Ariana had stayed. I'd have liked to spend more time with a female for once, and she and I had been having a blast all day.
I might just go to sleep.
All to myself for the night. This is the first time ever.
And... Ariana gave me "Into the Wild" the book. And I also have her copy of the movie. Both are tempting, but some part of me thinks I shouldn't do that to myself.
I still need to write my eval, but when I'm done with that?
I could go back to the BBQ at Erik and Rachel's.
I could watch Twilight Zone with Nygil.
I could hang out with Tyler, track Annie down, go to Rob's.
I could watch a movie and eat the ice cream Nygil bought for me last night.
I could vacuum (start cleaning my portion of the apartment before I leave).
I wish Ariana had stayed. I'd have liked to spend more time with a female for once, and she and I had been having a blast all day.
I might just go to sleep.
I'm so tired.
Final paper = done!
Final paper = done!
"Oh instincts are misleading
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you what you know you should want."
Death Cab.
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you what you know you should want."
Death Cab.
how much have i actually been alive?
I'm afraid to say anything.
And so I almost want to just say nothing.
Afraid because you imply that what I say is written in stone.
I wonder if... other people feel like this sometimes.
I don't want to say I feel numb,
but that seems to be a side-effect of feeling everything.
Today was just... emotionally charged. Not that I had any serious emotional out-lashes, (especially not by any means compared to my mood swings over the last week) but more that there is so much emotion I am suppressing right now, that everything seems tainted or muted, and as though I might explode into psychological chaos. What would really help me right now is a good cry. I really wanted to watch the Notebook last night... and it might have done the trick. But today... there are only a few movies that could make me breakdown like I need to, and even if I had access to them (one of them, I do), I wouldn't have the time or energy to watch it.
Yea,
after class and painting and my interview today, I went to the new bookstore, which I can't really tell if I like or not (nor do I know why it really matters how I feel about it... its a bookstore, almost just like the old one, except turned around and with lower ceilings. I felt like i was underground though... almost). Anyway, I got the poster board for me and Ben's project, and I also got one of those really cool tie-dyed Evergreen tee-shirts (as goes the unfortunate story of our society, I thought it would make me feel better... even though I didn't really feel bad. just really introspective).
the interview had gone well. it was more like a conversation. and it was actually one of the more relaxed conversations I had all day... all week even.
and painting the drum was good. it let me listen and think and do something semi-creative.
sucking at writing anything today. Eval for cultivating voice... what a pathetic attempt.
and lets not even start on my research paper, which I have wasted so much time on.
im going backwards now. I want to go forwards.
speaking of research paper/project. Ben L and I are presenting together and we decided to make a poster, which is why i went to the bookstore in the first place. i went to his apartment and we made our cute little poster, and talked, and his roommates made us all the most delicious vegan dinner. So fantastic. oh, and I met their dog Bo, who is so precious. He reminded me a lot of Cinder (except he was mellow and clean, and Cinder is... not). I got lots of doggy kisses, which was lovely. dinner had to be the best part of my day just cause i met some cool people, got to hang out with an awesome dog, and ate some of the most wonderful and unique food I've had for a while. i donno though, my day was pretty colorful (tainted by stress and suppressed emotions, but still very colorful --and i mean that beyond the tie-dyed shirt, acrylic painting, and sharpies).
holy hell, I'm about to fall asleep sitting up.
i guess its about time to pull out the soda, and start the paper...
And so I almost want to just say nothing.
Afraid because you imply that what I say is written in stone.
I wonder if... other people feel like this sometimes.
I don't want to say I feel numb,
but that seems to be a side-effect of feeling everything.
Today was just... emotionally charged. Not that I had any serious emotional out-lashes, (especially not by any means compared to my mood swings over the last week) but more that there is so much emotion I am suppressing right now, that everything seems tainted or muted, and as though I might explode into psychological chaos. What would really help me right now is a good cry. I really wanted to watch the Notebook last night... and it might have done the trick. But today... there are only a few movies that could make me breakdown like I need to, and even if I had access to them (one of them, I do), I wouldn't have the time or energy to watch it.
Yea,
after class and painting and my interview today, I went to the new bookstore, which I can't really tell if I like or not (nor do I know why it really matters how I feel about it... its a bookstore, almost just like the old one, except turned around and with lower ceilings. I felt like i was underground though... almost). Anyway, I got the poster board for me and Ben's project, and I also got one of those really cool tie-dyed Evergreen tee-shirts (as goes the unfortunate story of our society, I thought it would make me feel better... even though I didn't really feel bad. just really introspective).
the interview had gone well. it was more like a conversation. and it was actually one of the more relaxed conversations I had all day... all week even.
and painting the drum was good. it let me listen and think and do something semi-creative.
sucking at writing anything today. Eval for cultivating voice... what a pathetic attempt.
and lets not even start on my research paper, which I have wasted so much time on.
im going backwards now. I want to go forwards.
speaking of research paper/project. Ben L and I are presenting together and we decided to make a poster, which is why i went to the bookstore in the first place. i went to his apartment and we made our cute little poster, and talked, and his roommates made us all the most delicious vegan dinner. So fantastic. oh, and I met their dog Bo, who is so precious. He reminded me a lot of Cinder (except he was mellow and clean, and Cinder is... not). I got lots of doggy kisses, which was lovely. dinner had to be the best part of my day just cause i met some cool people, got to hang out with an awesome dog, and ate some of the most wonderful and unique food I've had for a while. i donno though, my day was pretty colorful (tainted by stress and suppressed emotions, but still very colorful --and i mean that beyond the tie-dyed shirt, acrylic painting, and sharpies).
holy hell, I'm about to fall asleep sitting up.
i guess its about time to pull out the soda, and start the paper...
