Human Poems:
Considering Coldly, Impartially
Stumble between Two Stars
The Nine Monsters
-Cesar Vallejo

Another Poem:
Lost to Sight
-Cesar Moro

These are from The Peru Reader.


Then there's the poetry on the stairwells in the library building-- sometimes those words are the only thing that keep me going.

I've been writing some of my own poetry lately-- mostly in my journal, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. The only way I know to judge, or at least enjoy poetry is if I can relate to it, and of course I am going to relate to something I wrote (--that is actually not necessarily true). Even still, I am not objective about my own work. And if it is actually good, I might not want it all over the internet for everyone to see/steal/judge. Because perhaps judgment of poetry is meaningless: Judgment of the musings of another?; Judgment with the connotation of possibly depreciating thought?; precious, pure thought under scrutiny? Perhaps it is not.

On another note, I almost wanted to stop writing here after that last post because I liked it too much. I feel it too much. It may have been the most truth I have ever grasped.
If I continue, then I am a contradiction to myself. But then again, humans are a contradiction to themselves. As a human (or the particular type of human I am) I thrive on expression. And if I suppress that, maybe I will become less human. From what I have been thinking lately, perhaps that is a fortune. But, then again, I cannot draw a line between fortune and misfortune, good and bad, love and hate. I will repeat what is probably my most ultimate resolve as of yet (keeping with the assumption that anything I ever state as belief is subject to change). This current resolve is that the more intensely you love something, the more intensely you can or will hate it.

My hatred for people (what we do, how we act) is based on my love of them. I have seen what good we are capable of and am constantly disappointed when we fall so short of that. When I look in the mirror and despise myself-- I despise that I too fall short, I detest that I fall into the category of humanity. Humanity, who I love for our capacity to love; who I hate for our capacity to hate; who by our seeming nature, destroys ourselves both directly, AND by demolishing the very world that gives us life. "It is not that I love man the less, but nature the more." I disagree. I cannot love what destroys that which I love. With that too, I don't completely agree. I can, in fact-- as a part of humanity. "It is not that I love man the less, but nature the more." I disagree. We can love nothing more than we love ourselves, and so we can hate nothing more than we hate...
Again, we are contradiction. Myself too.

Myself included in all my critique of humanity. Why do I stretch myself so thin? To reach that zenith of capability. And since I am falling short, even with such a minimal effort, what am I actually worth? If not to improve this world, why am I a part of it? How am I worth being alive --especially with the destruction to which I contribute so much. If I do not create more than I destroy, then perhaps I am not worthy. And perhaps that is why I suffer. Punishment? Self-punishment? Essence?

But I cannot, I CANNOT continue to live without some purpose. "To be or not to be? That is the question." (I am doing this from memory, so gimme a break). "Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep, no more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream--ay, there's the rub! For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life! For who would bare the whips and scorns of time, the oppressors wrong, the proud man's contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy take, when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bare to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that: the dread of something after death (the undiscovered country from who's bourn no traveler returns), puzzles the will and makes us rather bare those ills we have, than fly to others that we know not of. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, and thus, the native hue of resolution is sicklied over with a pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment, with this regard their currents turn awry and lose thy name of action."

Speaking, typing, hearing this draws out tears. I feel it so strongly. But maybe I disagree, for me. You can tell me I keep alive out of fear. Maybe that is the truth... for many it is. But perhaps I am alive out of hope. And maybe hope and fear have the same roots, or maybe one is a reaction to the other. Maybe they are one and the same. Though I'm actually not sure if I believe that fear is enough to keep me alive (some days the "dread of something after death" could not compete with the dread of life). Maybe hope is, (some days hope that what I do is good enough, or hope that someday something I do will be, moves me along).

Or maybe love is enough. Love of the crescent moon and sparse stars shining through a milky veil of cloud; love of words that try to mimic the beauty and filth of the earth and its inhabitants; love of the questions of the uncertainty (from which we may or may not derive fear); love of hate; hate of love; all the things we embrace; all we feebly try to avoid; feeling alone, being alone, knowing our inherent aloneness, and then somehow finding connection, company, love (however fleeting); those brief moments of strict joy...

i can't write
i can't speak
with convictions i don't have.

and i can't say the things i know
if i want to live the things i know.

and i can't be sorry
that i can't be sorry.

I haven't read your story yet. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. I will! I promise.
Oh, and talking to you today got me listening to RHCP again. Love it.

And you got me in such a good mood that Ari and I went and ran around on the field and played in the mud.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. And miss you terribly.
Thanks for being such a wonderful friend.

Alarms annoy me,
and waking up without enough sleep...
I almost didn't go to the conversation cafe,
but I told Harrison I would since we are roughly at the same level, so I got my butt outta bed.
He didn't show, but all the same,
the rest of us began speaking with the students from Venezuela.
One of the Venezuelan girls was complimented on her fingernails. She offered to do ours, but apparently the other English speaking girl and I cut ours too short... not that I was about to let her mess with them anyway. She also criticized me for picking at my cuticles. I can't care too my about the way my hands look if I plan on climbing like I do.
We split into conversation groups and talked for 2 hours, switching between Spanish and English.
I met a cool guy. Will. Got his number. It was nice to flirt casually. Light and fun. Brief.

A small break for my weighted heart.

I feel okay today. Better than normal.

I stayed up too late reading that book you told me not to read before trying to sleep. It calmed me actually, except that I couldn't put it down.

So, I should go do research, read, keep my mind busy. Maybe this is why I put so much on my plate, and keep myself restricted; I am afraid of this time where I actually have the freedom to make decisions.
Most people do this, I think.

Good news:
Sean is getting out of the Navy.
James got his license.

oh, and something secret! well, its only secret from one of you readers. so ask me in person if you really care to know. its not a big deal, expect for me! yayayayayayay!

I need a soccer ball.

"I wonder if any muses are aware of what they do."
-Nygil

probably not.

So, today wasn't bad by any stretch. But usually my days aren't bad. I just feel miserable no matter what. Today was strange though. I got like super low, then super high, then low, then high. I got a couple naps in so maybe that helped.


I don't want to write.
I don't want to be alone.
I really don't want to be with people either. ...at least, where I am expected to contribute anything. Im just gonna go lay on the guys' living room floor, listen to music, and do some homework.

So I got home from climbing and Carolyn was playing Hallelujah which was literally the perfect song for that moment.

"love is not a victory march,
its a cold and its a broken hallelujah...

but all I've ever learn from love,
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
its not a cry that you hear at night,
its not somebody who's seen the light,
its a cold and its a broken hallelujah."

goddamnit

Anyway, then we were talking about the meaning of names, cause she asked me what my middle name was, and what it meant. And I remembered I had written about it on one of my old blog sites, so I went and sought it out. Chana means "gracious" and "merciful" apparently. Anyway, then I was reading my old blogs and I came across a quote I had put in there. It was from Gatsby:
"no amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart." which I guess I was resonating with at the moment I read it. Now that I think about it, it is eerily similar to what my poem from the other day was talking about.

....
so, the theme of today is
self-worth
and how little of it I feel.

fuck I am so tired. I can't even waste the time trying to explain or understand anything. The time I do waste, I just realized... I am trading one pointless night for another, and neither the one I want.

At least I got some reading done. Not all though. Off to do that.
I did my laundry also. And finally washed my sheets again too, which was much-needed.


feel:

"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And turn out hate in factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And turn out hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"

This song.

----
This is only getting worse, because it is always the same.

"I'll endure countless repeats.
The gift of memory's an awful curse.
With age is just gets much worse.

...and I won't mind."

I just need to sleep.
We moved our contract back a quarter, so we won't be leaving til winter quarter for our study abroad next year. I am so glad we could all agree on that, cause I just couldn't get it together do it this quarter. Now I just have all the normal shit to deal with. Not "normal," but you know... usual.

Tutoring, Spanish, Andean Roots, scholarships, pay deposit for Peru (and the other assortment of things that go along with that), climb, run occasionally, eat (more than occasionally, if I can help it), and everything else that my brain doesn't want to think about anymore right now. I can't even... pull anything more out of my head... so now that I am fairly brain dead maybe I can actually sleep tonight.

"maybe if you slow down for me I could see you're only telling lies, lies, lies."

Kay, yea... I could stay up and listen to Glen for hours, and type out the many lyrics that seem to pertinent to everything. But that would be pointless, and I really do need to sleep.

whythefuck? THIS SHOULDNT FEEL THIS SHITTY! what am I talking about?! Of course it should. it always has. it always will.
jfaionvfauhbnafafabhagarnkvfnklvmlcaiojgagrirhigrngarnvfv kgioag

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I am going to pretend that was out loud, and then go scream into a pillow.

Poetry. I was reading though some of my old poetry journals the other night. Most of it was nothing special: pretty typical teenage shit. Not to say that I don't enjoy rereading them. For my age at the time (not that age really means anything) some of the thoughts I had were fairly profound. Things I would never think about now. That aspect is really cool. Also, they often read like journals to me. During a lot of the time when I wrote "poetry" I didn't keep a journal or a blog, so some of those memories are definitely preserved in my poems. I still have most of the drafts but they are pretty hard to read with all the scratch-outs and things. I rewrote them in 3 composition notebooks, with gel pens and explanations of my emotions or inspirations. I don't know why I felt the need to call everything I wrote poetry at that point. I mean, many of them simply are a bit of venting, or a thought I needed to write down, but it was not done very poetically. Whatever. I really don't care to prescribe exclusive titles to things unless for some obscure reason it is necessary. I guess though, it is refreshing to write something slightly more poetic, rather than my usual. That is where "things we lost" came from. Well, I don't really know where it came from. I had no clue I had the capacity to write like that anymore. Not that it is even really all that great, but just that it is a completely different style, much more structured than I have written in years. So it was kinda cool to see that come out of me.

Today we seminared on Gaviotas. I enjoyed that book too much to really be enthused about seminaring on it. I mean... people always manage to find so many things to criticize. Granted, there needs to be some degree of critique in the world for progress to be made. Well, that is actually debatable, in some senses. We even talked about that in seminar: what is the motivation for such a community? I mean, everyone in Gaviotas was just doing... what made them come alive, essentially. And that turned into this most perfect, imperfect community. I guess I am just sick of our constant expectation of perfection. We can only strive for so much, and progress is better than nothing. Critique moves progress along, but only if it is reasonable. Gaviotas was far ahead of its time anyway, and some of the problems with it which are controversial now, were actually fairly progressive then, in that culture... or subculture, I suppose. But if we expect perfection, nothing will ever be attempted, and no progress will ever be made. I guess that is a lesson I could adopt. In many aspects I already have. Like I have stated before, if I expected amazing work every time I wrote something down, I would never write. Ben Garrison gets it. He understands that balance. I think he's one of the coolest guys I've met. He is very passionate about things, but will express his opinion with a soft voice. He always has interesting, insightful ideas to contribute to class, and is never overbearing about it. Gosh, I am sitting here trying to think of how to describe him, but nothing is right. No description could properly portray him, as is with most people, but in any case I think he is incredible from what little interaction we have had. I hope to get to know him better in Peru.

So what the fuck? Whats been up with me? ...since I haven't really spelled it out in a while.
I don't think I can try to spell it out right now. I'm almost too tired to think. But I have been absorbing information all fucking day, and I really just need to expel some energy. I guess the main thing is that sleeping has not been working so well for me. I toss and turn for hours once I'm in bed, even if my mind and body are exhausted. My brain... won't shut up. I make lists, I write my thoughts down, I breathe deeply, I drink water. I exercise physically and mentally all day long, and its never enough to get me to crash when my head hits the pillow.

I have... a few main thoughts, big questions, giant questionable urges, that just circle and circle. Possibilities that make so much sense as I am lying in bed. And I resolve to carry them out, to figure them out. But then I wake up... my resolve seems dumb, and all that thought, all that scheming, all that time I should have been sleeping, means nothing, because nothing will come of it. Not in the light of day.

I hate what love is doing to me. What its always done to me, and I guess what it does to everyone. It just skews everything. As if everything wasn't already skewed. Reality is fucking absurdity (all dressed up in a three piece suit), to paraphrase... someone. Alicia told me that quote when I kept insisting Evergreen had been sucked into a black hole. Everything was so obscure. It doesn't feel as strange anymore, but... that is probably because I have gotten acquainted with the idea that so much of life is pure chaos (like Gaviotas was too).

About the poem I posted earlier, The World, and about everything else:
I feel sick. Anxious. So often my stomach turns inside me at these thoughts. At all the possibilities I see.

*hangs head*
there is something I really really need to say, or do. Maybe saying it won't be enough.

..........

Well I just spilled a bit to Ariel who came in to show me her project. I feel better having sort of expressed some of it. There still needs to be more, but that will come a different day.

Tomorrow (today) I am going to go to work where I will do some tutoring and probably some homework. And then after work, at 3, I'm just gonna go straight to the gym where I am just gonna climb (maybe taking some reading breaks) right up until I have to go to Spanish at 6. And I am gonna blast Glen Hansard at the gym if no one else is there, cause that will just be heaven! Then I will eat dinner after Spanish, do some work, maybe talk to the guys about our contract.

I am thinking I still might change my meal plan. I am gonna waste so many block meals if Ari and Cari keep cooking for me, which is far superior to the Greenery anyway. Plus I should probably just use the money I'd spend on block meals, and give it to them for ingredients and such.

Okay. Well it is good that I am purged of some thought. I'm gonna go try to sleep. After I listen to Glen belt it out for a bit. Gotta love his voice, and his poetry. <3

"I couldn’t tell one song from another,

which bird said what or to whom or for what reason.

The oak tree seemed to be writing something using very few words.

I couldn’t decide what door to open – they looked the same, or what

would happen when I did reach out and turn a knob. I thought I was safe,

standing there

but my death remembered its date:

only so many summer nights still stood before me, full moon, waning moon,

October mornings: what to make of them? which door?

I couldn’t tell which stars were which or how far away any one of them was,

or which were still burning or not – their light moving through space like a

long

late train – and I’ve lived on this earth so long – 50 winters, 50 springs and

summers,

and all this time stars in the sky – in daylight

when I couldn’t see them, and at night when, most nights, I didn’t look."

-Marie Howe

Sandy read this in our meeting today. I laughed at the time because of how pertinent it felt. Thought I should post it here. Possibility based on choice and time and timing. *sigh*

The stone concept of contemptuous murder to idea, thought, desire,
we fight with dreams in days and night,
we strive against with internal fire,
doused again by doubt, and of remembrance rather forgotten;
blinded by shattered flame, foresight lost in the mist of steam,
of sizzling, dispersing dream.

Risk to consume tainted air, to capture particles of soul,
open wide arms, hearts, minds... to lies,
grasping wildly, discovering nothing of old.
Only new flesh smeared across the palm;
ash cooled -- heated resolution made frail and cold.

Form-fitting face-mask worn drearily, drawn daily
from fuel, smothered under the weight.

That was interesting.

or maybe even less.

-buy plane tickets
-apply for scholarships for next year
-read Gaviotas
-write paper for Gaviotas
-read part 1 of The Peru Reader
-do laundry
-pay credit charges
-RESEARCH PAPER! (fuck)
-do Spanish homework (oh fuck... call Ben L)

there is more, I'm sure.

so last night was shit
today was shit

emotionally i am... fucking fried.
i just cranked Swell Season, curled up in the cave today, and cried.
Eric found me. Didn't know what to do, not that there was anything to do.

This evening was better.worse.the same. who knows? it was better, whatever that means, because of the company (and not just the fact that I had company, but the quality of it). it was worse also, because its all more real. and its the same because maybe my resolves are different, but my questions: some were answered, most were only further complicated.

I really just need to sleep, and read my book, and do my work, and not think too much. But I also have so much I need to think about, decisions to make...

I sincerely wish I could express the depth of confusion I have right now. I feel almost... petrified.

so i just realized. if all goes according to plan, this will be my last quarter at Evergreen until next Spring.

I am gonna miss the Writing Center, a lot.
I am gonna make myself sick if I keep thinking so far ahead, but it really is hard not to. See, I don't know how this is going to work, cause I have to get it all worked out this quarter cause most of it I won't be able to do in Peru. And then... I think they are supposed to be done a quarter before the contract occurs, which I believe means Spring Quarter, not Summer. So...

Anyway. Tonight isn't the time to think about it. However, I don't seem to have much control over my brain lately.

Climbing is a good example. But as soon as I turned out Swell Season that seemed to help. I think I wanna go again tomorrow. 4 days in a row? Probably not that healthy, but I seriously don't think I am gonna have much time to do it when work starts. Fuck.

Don't take this too seriously, but I think I'm gonna go cry. I'm not about to jump out a window or anything... I just really need to let some of this out.

Ari and Cari are probably tired of the screaming and yelling about it. Running and climbing seem to only do so much. And writing... well... that helps too. But i just want a good cry, and I think I deserve it. This is emotional stuff.

ok, I've said enough. Time to go hug pillows.



oh, and the reason for the title of the post is because when Death Cab released "Plans" Ben Gibbard talked in an interview about a quote he likes about how god laughs at us when we make plans.
I mean, yea you could take it all religiously... like god has some sort of plan greater than we could have for ourselves. but me not believing in god... I like the idea because its true; we stress over shit and we don't have a clue what is actually going to happen, or how the way we act will affect other things.
And then they released their DVD of music videos with the songs from Plans on it and it was called Directions, which I named one of my journals.
So I guess plans should be thought of as more of a trajectory the; the direction we think we are going. But here I am with a compass but no bearing, like i said last night. well maybe i have a bearing, but it is for the wrong place and time. oh dear. i need to quit now.

anyway, doesn't really matter. the difference between definitions of words... and all these other metaphors are just tripping me out. well fuck. i am clearly to tired to think. or write.
sort of just disregard the last bit of this.

haha. goodnight.

...

...

am gonna go write elsewhere.

Holy shit....

40ish minute run. Eh. Not so great, but the thoughts of wanting to maintain some energy for climbing were interfering with my drive to keep going. Plus, Eric was running with me... walking practically at my speed. Ick, I am slow. Anywho, I wouldn't have even run today since Carolyn decided not to. But Eric wanted to do something and I guess running was common ground. It felt like it went by faster with company, or maybe I just ran faster cause I didn't want to hold him back (did anyway). But it was cool to hang out with him 1 on 1 even though we didn't talk much. That's the first time we really talked 1 on 1 at all, besides texts.

Anywho... climbing tonight. And Zach said we were gonna talk about our contract for next year sometime tonight too. So, in the meantime I should probably do some research while I have a couple hours. I am getting a little anxious cause my seminar book for next week hasn't come yet.

Starting next week, Wednesdays aren't gonna be this wonderfully free. :/

you know that point where it seems that nothing could get anymore complicated, but then it does?


we have arrived.

I want
i want
i want
i want


"Low rising, we've gotta come up, we've gotta come up.
Low rising, cause I fear we've had enough.
Low rising, cause there's no further for us to fall.
Low rising, oh for the love of you...
For the love of you.
Low rising,
Low rising, I wanna sit you down and talk."

I want
I feel

Damn it.


"Alone in our rooms, miserable. A tornado or an owl, come back and isolate the balance."

Just sleep.
Fucking sleep.

(I'm doing fine, I'm sure. This is all just new to me. I don't know what its like to...
Sad, to me... I don't know what is anymore. Not sad. It just gets curiouser and curiouser. I feel I have no bearing, so even if I had any direction, I would still be led astray. Astray, astray. Away from what? See. Its all just floating now. And I am laughing more -crying less- but I don't think of that as better; quite possibly -dare I say- worse. But I am fine, if you know what that word means in my head. You said you'd shut down. I think I'm shutting down. Differently. No one will see it. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to please...
Just please, don't...)

I told you, I need to sleep.

I know... It's almost beyond insanity. I might move my Wednesday hours at the Writing Center to Friday. I really don't know. I need to see which way is more conducive to me actually using my free time for my research/school work. I am gonna need severe help keeping focused.

I am actually genuinely terrified for next week, when tutoring starts.

I just re-read my letter. It reminded my why I have to tread lightly; Why things are the way they are. It reminded me that I understand more about this than my mind wants to think I do. It reminded me that I kinda already know all the answers that anyone has right now. No one knows. We are confused. And maybe I just shouldn't push something further when it already feels so precarious. Maybe I just need to wait, and wait, and wait... And maybe someday I will lose interest in waiting, and look somewhere else for what I found here. Or maybe...




anyway. It is late. I need to sleep. Here are some thoughts I had while talking to Tyler tonight. Hope you don't mind me posting part of the convo, Ty. I will take it down if you do. The first part are just things I wrote to him as I thought of them. Then there is a snippet of interactive conversation:

"i do a lot more thinking than crying though. i mean, i guess thats good
until i get stuck on somehting like tony
i donno. i have somehow managed to push a lot of things below
i dont know if that is good or bad
or if is just a result of not being overwhelmed with work AND emotions
i anticipate my usual self to come back when they quarter picks up
though i sincerely hope there arent any terrible turns like last quarter"

"i donno. about anything.
im tired of wondering about everything
and not ever being sure"

*alex* says:
it would be nice to be able to trust something... something sturdy that won't let me slip off the wall so fast, without warning.
i am rereading my journal now. i remember what i mean about thinking more than crying
i think it means, i am not showing outward what i am feeling inside. at least not the bad things
i am filling up this journal fast, with all these thoughts i dont want other people to hear/read
Tyler says:
I do that. But with drawings.
the quarter hasn't started and I'm a quarter of the way through my sketch book
although I take those drawings out
it helps me feel my emotions without having to express them for everyone to see.
*alex* says:
i find that... to be completely false
for me
Tyler says:
Well I draw like I'm talking to someone. its a conversation. and then its not a secret any more. its alive for me to see... and feel.
You write to remember though, don't you?
*alex* says:
no
i feel that too
same with when i am climbing
running
anything
its a conversation with myself, and with... thoughts, or with the rock, or with the ground



What I just said, in that last part, is something I wrote about in my journal. There are things I have written that I really want to share with maybe some people, certain people. And there are some that I want to post here... but I am really emotionally attached to them, and almost don't want to put them on the internet for someone to potentially steal. Not that they are even worthy of that, but they are precious thoughts (like all are, I suppose), and they are mine. And I want them to stay mine. Anyway... one is inspired by that painting Amanda made for me... of the tree. I wrote it over the break, and it was amazing how the picture captured the emotions I was feeling, and evoked from me the exact words I needed to express. Someday I might put it up.
There are things in this current journal... ways of writing that I haven't attempted for a while. Just very... raw I guess. Lots of questions. Lots of... not answers, but... truths, I guess. Not solid, end-all truths about the world. But just little truths about myself. Who I am. Why I am. What really is the cause of some of this anxiety. What does actually alleviate some of it. Its really honest. I guess that's why its important for some of it to be "private." But I don't think that is because I feel the need to be private, for me. It is more for the sake of others. I use to be able to put that sort of stuff on here, but I guess I got sick of... making people feel like I had judged them, or betrayed them with something I said (even if it wasn't really about them). I don't feel like I say mean things in my journal. I have, in the past (on my blog too). But that isn't the issue here. Its just... I guess where I put my expression of somewhat rash emotions; where I can question their truth without anyone else having to question it too ...or without having to hurt someone by thinking something that isn't necessarily true or false, just a thought or question (but also isn't quite "socially acceptable," or whatever you want to call it). I guess in a way that is to save face... to keep it private for my own good. But honestly, I could post it all here, and be fine with whatever consequences it might stir up. I would be fine with people knowing. It would just make many things more complicated, and it might hurt people who don't need to be hurt.

Well, that's all. As always, I could keep going. But it is way too late for anything more.

After all of that, Ariel takes a shower.

So naturally, with this golden opportunity, I put Bianca in front of the door.

When Ari is done with her shower she comes out and there Bianca is waiting for her. Ari falls against the wall and screams at the top of her lungs.

Then she slams the door at me while I try to take a picture.

There is where she went wrong. While she was recovering from one prank, I have time to grab Bianca and place him in Ari's room where she left the lights off and the door cracked open slightly. I have just enough time to slid the door back into place before she comes charging out of the bathroom. I am laughing so hard that my repeated apology actually seems somewhat sincere. Then she walks in her bedroom door...

At this scream, I seriously think I am about to get hurt. So I scramble to my room and lock the door.

There was no violence or retaliation... yet.
But don't worry:
I will always be ready.

Fun first class of the quarter today. Practiced converting things to the metric system. Discussed research stuffs.

Writing Center meeting.
I was bursting with joy after that. Seriously. I love when I come out of the feeling like I can fly.

Went to dinner with Alicia.

Went climbing with the guys.
So good to be back at that with new shoes and more solid hands. <3


That was my day. It was so much more than that though. As always.
I am definitely listening to [somewhat] random music: Faith Hill, Fiddler on the Roof Soundtrack, who knows what else...?
Its midnight. I'm tired. No work this week, so I don't have to get up early. Well actually Ben and I and people are going out to breakfast. Woot.

Sooo yea. Ariel just died on the floor because her bed is COVERED in her stuff and she just wants to sleep. So I cranked "To Life" and did some random Russian/old-man/ridiculous-Alex-nonsense dance, and almost killed her. She likes me cause I make her laugh.


Oh, yea. And then I just made Bianca peer around the corner so when Ariel came back from the kitchen he would be staring creepily around the corner at her. "UH NO HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME. I am NOT looking forward to Bianca anymore." -Ariel.

She screamed so fucking loud.

Omg.
Cari and Ari are yelling at each other. I love how I can get away with that shit and Carolyn just has suggest sexual things about her and a certain boy... and BAM. hahahah

I love you guys. Cari, lets all be nice and not embarrass each other around these important people. PLEASE!

"UMM, I will cut-a-bitch-up. I am NOT. AFRAID. OF BIANCA! ...I am sleeping with weapons." -Ari

I'm gonna go make more laughter.
Maybe more words later.

from the automatic reply email that I got after sending my Science Camp application in:
"I will begin to review application material immediately and plan to make initial offers by the start of March 2008."

Killoqua's gonna get it done way sooner than that, their email suggests.

so...
do I have faith that I get the Science Camp job (even if it's a long shot), and just ask to work the second half of the summer at Killoqua? Or do I just take the job at Killoqua and ensure myself the entire summer of work?

Questions
questions. Always more questions.

No obligations,
and nothing to do.

I must be dreaming.

Yea, who am I kidding. There is always something more that needs to get done, or that could happen. Possibility. I think I stretched it enough with those texts. We'll see.

If I was really psycho I'd go running. But... I am already chilled, have a headache, and...
its almost dark. (So many meaningless excuses).


Well anyway, I could definitely work on my research project. I guess that's what I will do, at least until Ari and Cari get back from the airport. Unless something fun comes up...

I will make myself top ramen, grab my 500 books, and try to narrow this project so I can feel less overwhelmed once everything else in my life starts going 100 miles an hour.

I finished applying to Science Camp. And Killoqua. Hoping Science camp replies first so I know what dates I am available for Killoqua. If not, I might not be working half the summer. Instead, I could hang out in Honduras longer, or... when I fly into Miami, I could start hiking up the east coast, or something crazy like that. It'd be an adventure for sure. Or I could come back here and maybe work at Summer Winds some of the earlier weeks. Or get some yard work jobs. Or just go climbing in North Bend everyday. hahah...

Okay. Enough planning for now. Let's see what happens.

"Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him."

I don't really feel like making any declarations to anyone, which is why this blog feels too public. But that isn't why it is really here. It is here for me, to express. And if others wish to read these expressions, that is by their own choice. But remember: This is my blog, this is my space, and there is something I want to express right now.

This is a new year, which in all reality means very little to me. It means I can think of it as a beginning, just as I can think of any day as such. But days mean almost as little as years. And I don't mean that the time is insignificant, but that our definition of the beginnings and endings are only made because of rotations of celestial bodies, because of circles --and circles don't begin or end. And well, they are not even necessarily circles. They aren't drawing lines that form a circle. The lines these rotations draw form a sphere, or maybe even a spiral. I like the idea of a spiral, because spirals don't have to end, but they also don't have to repeat. They are movements across time as well as space.

What I mean by all of this is that I use "Each Day" as a motivation to make every day of my life count for something (whatever that means). But what is a day? It is the rising and falling of the sun (from our perspectives); It is the rotation of the Earth on itself and around the sun. Nothing is really beginning, nothing is really ending. All of this doesn't matter. All of this, we already know. The "beginning" and "end" of each "day," each "season," each "year," is but a symbol to remind us that time (as we think if it) has passed, is passing; to remind us that change is always upon us. We shouldn't wait for a new day to change, and we surely shouldn't wait for a new year. Not if we already see the changes we want to make.

So, its "2010." That reminds me that "2000" (10 "years" ago) feels not so far away, because there are specific moments from that time that I can still vividly recall. But so much change has happened since then; in my life, in the world. 10 "years" ago, I was 10 "years" old. It feels so strange to me to mark time in such a way, but the only other way is to describe the difference between having lived on this planet (in this form) for 10 rotations around the sun, and for 20. That's simple enough.
No, not really. Though, right now, I don't have the time or the will to explain how complicated it is, or even how it is complicated.

Anyway, the declaration I was going to say for myself is something I couldn't put into words. But if I could it would probably use the words: change. love. power. presence. and something about how the quote above, that I found on Jess's facebook page, feels like something I really needed to hear. I was getting so caught up in some things, with some people (especially some people planning on coming to this school) that I just don't need to deal with anymore. Of course their existence and presence in my life have influenced me and maybe it will again. But I am taking new roads, and even if they feel like they are following behind closely, they aren't. I don't have to listen to their psychobabble. I don't have to let them bring me down. Maybe I will anyway... or maybe I actually don't have a choice in the matter. But I am going to try to be better than that. I'm sick of feeling insignificant, betrayed, looked down on.

and there is always more I want to say...
always more I need to do
want to do.
So...

do I always dream about my teeth falling out?

or maybe it's just me.

love


*bangs head on desk*

Stress is already consuming me, and school hasn't even started yet! AHH! At least I don't start tutoring til week 2.

Before classes start I need to finish my applications for Killoqua and Science camp (that means I need to do them tonight and tomorrow).
Also tomorrow I need to go climbing, even if that means breaking into the climbing gym. Seriously, unless it is warm enough to run tomorrow, the gym NEEEEDS to open up or I will combust.

planescuzcoschedulemoneyapplicationsjobstimeworkblarg! This is the planning I need to get done NOW.
there is gonna be toooo much this quarter. 10-12 hours of work per week in the Writing Center. 12 credit core class. 4 credit spanish class. Climbing. Running. Sleeping. Planning for my trips (flights, expenses, dates, packing, ect.)

Ok.
But!
Tonight is my last night of freedom!
So now that I'm temporarily purged of these thoughts, I'm gonna go have fun.

...good line.

NEW YEAR.
NEW DECADE.

And its just another day, as always. But last night and this morning were kinda fun anyway. Hahah, like REALLY fun. Seeing Avatar again!! Going to sketch diners and pigging out on gross food. Getting into a building downtown and watching the Space Needle fireworks from some random person's office on the 15th floor. Playing hide and seek in the offices. Driving around singing. Taking 2 hours to find a 24 hour Safeway. Pigging out on veggies and cookies and pop while playing fucking MASH and Truth on the sailboat. The wind knocks us into the dock all night, not allowing me to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. Dreaming about random romantic encounters. Coffee with family and friends in the morning. Headed back to Evergreen!

"It's too bad.
It's too bad that the world will end some day;

but the universe'll surely make fine use
of our former home's particles,
setting them loose."

sick of being disappointed by people. should have learned by now, huh?

so earlier today I found out John Frusciante left the Chili Peppers. Donno if that's true or just speculation because of his solo career.

anyway... worse news is that the drummer from Avenged Sevenfold just died. James Sullivan. He was so fucking amazing. I'm sad for his band mates. I don't know what its like to lose someone so close like that.

I was thinking earlier, listening to the Chili Peppers, how I still associate bands (especially their lead singers) to the guys who got me interested in their music. RHCP was Nygil for sure. Nirvana was Matt. And Tony... Avenged Sevenfold (A7X) and HIM. I can't really hear Anthony Keidis' lyrics and not think of Nygil; Kurt Cobain's music automatically leads me to thoughts of Matt; and A7X will forever remind me of my relationship with Tony. I don't listen to HIM anymore. I can't. I haven't been able to since sophomore year. Occasionally I will try a song or two, but I always end up in tears. The lyrics, I guess, I had created into this ideal of love. A depressing, but dedicated belief in what love could be, but... turned out not to be. It could also be that Ville Valo's voice reminds me too much of his voice. He use to sing it to me. I use to believe it. I guess maybe by listening, I believe the meaning of the words will change to better fit my circumstances now, and perhaps I want to preserve the emotion evoked by each sound. It brings me back to this dark room, with posters covering the walls. The only light being the flickering of the stereo LCD screen. I can vividly remember the anxious feelings, the excitement of being in the room, in the arms of the person I love, and not wanting to be anywhere else, ever. I can remember the heat, and the smell, and feel.
Maybe I don't want to lose that memory. and I know that can happen...

But whatever. I guess I enjoy the connection these guys had to these bands, and the lead singers... I guess it made me believe I better understood the people I love through the lyrics of someone they admire (or at least listen to). This belief could be wrong. As Tyler has shown me, some people just listen to music because it sounds good (not saying there is anything wrong with it). But for me, my connection to Ben Gibbard is something very strong, and goes much deeper than how his songs (Death Cab, Postal Service, solo) sound. I think Nygil and Matt understand that when they listen to his lyrics, they are also very much listening to my thoughts, and... listening to words that I have scrutinized passed the needed level of understanding. But in listening, they ARE gaining an understanding of me, whether or not they know it.


To continue the idea that music can lose its memory:
Panic at the Disco. Their first album I wore out on the first trip to Mexico right after Tony and I broke up. Its a vengeful bunching of songs, and it helped fuel me through the worst of the sorrow and onto a bit of bitterness. Good or bad as that fact may be, the album felt refreshing and the trip did too. And they will always be somewhat connected. However... after the trip I continued listening to the songs, and slowly, over time, the association weakened. It is still their if I listen to the songs freshly, not anticipating parts I know well, but approaching it as though I have never heard it before. That is a hard thing to do, but if I can get there, I can remember how it felt to learn the songs, as I was doing in Mexico, and I can almost feel the humidity, and feel the bitterness, but it will never fully return.

Incubus. This is another band I started listening to frequently when Nygil and I were dating, or whatever it was we were doing. That period of my life is somewhat fuzzy, but at one point or another I was visiting Oregon, and I snuck out of Caitlin's house to meet Nygil. It might have even been the night I snuck out with no shoes and jogged through a couple inches of snow until we met on the road. Im pretty sure we ended up in his room that night, watching a video of Incubus performing at the Red Rocks. I remember the colors from the TV lighting his room; I remember wanting to be able to be closer to him than is physically possible for two humans to be. But only if I can access the songs as I heard them then, can I fully remember the rawness of the moment, and feel the truth of those feelings. Otherwise, they are almost like a dream, or something I read in a beautifully spun line of a poem.

Silversun Pickups. Grey. That was all we listened to the last three or so weeks of camp. Driving on our TOs, or hanging out in the Craft house. It should permanently remind me of Grey and that summer fling we had. But then I realized that Grey did not connect to the music the way I did. He connected to it, deeply, but... when I left camp, I began actually listening to the songs and what Brian Aubert and Nikki Monninger are saying, and what makes the music special to me, were not what Grey was telling me when he wrote the lyrics in a Camp Gram. I too am guilty of a more open interpretation of lyrics, and I do not condemn that... I support it wholeheartedly. But I guess the rift between interpretations, represents the rift between Grey and I, as individuals, at the points of our lives we are at. Nothing wrong with it. But it is interesting. And I can no longer listen to the album Swoon, and have it bring me back too far. That's unfortunate in some respects, because the one thing I promised Grey was that I would think of him when I heard these songs. Pretty ironic in light of some of the lyrics on that album...


Well, it is late. It has been quite nice to just write like this. And I am sure I could keep this up for another hour or so if I didn't have other things to do, like sleep.

Ariel and Carolyn come tomorrow.
Before that I will go hiking with Jackie, and hopefully at some point go test out my new climbing shoes which I absolutely adore.

today:
filling out camp applications
buying books for next quarter
climbing with Jackie
dinner with family


the rest of this week:
doctor (shots)
eye doctor (contacts)
climbing gym :D
CAROLYN & ARIEL
more Avatar!
relaxing and reading Eclipse, Lacuna, and The Road (when I buy it for my Kindle!)
sailing
New Years
back to Evergreen ^_^

broke boundaries.

LOVED IT.

someone needs to rein me in right now. im going crazy. im just a wreck inside my mind. i feel anxious and exhausted, lonely, stressed to the max, angry. there is no reason for any of this. i just want to sleep until i feel better. i just stay in my room all day.

yesterday was the best day in a long time.

today sucks. nothing feels good. im just crying for no reason.

"what i was isn't what i am. i'd change back, but i don't know if i can. still i'll try, try again. baby i die every night, every time.
...but i was made the way i am. i'm not a stone, i'm just a man."





i am going climbing tomorrow, no matter how i feel, or how cold it is.





"you're every now and then on my mind..."
I FUCKING LOVE YOU, GLEN HANSARD

ok, yup. i am gonna go have a love affair with his music, and possibly try to sleep.

"i walked across an empty land; i knew the pathway like the back of my hand. I felt the earth beneath my feet; sat by the river and it made me complete."



i want to scream. i don't even know why. i don't really even have many words for tonight.

i feel i am letting myself be coerced out of my resolution.
"and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied ore with a pale cast of thought."
maybe its not other things or people that are pulling me away from my convictions. maybe its my over-thinking. after all, the line before that is "thus conscience does make cowards of us all."


yea. dont have much else for tonight.
other forms of expression, besides words?
*sigh*

"im outside, and i've been waiting for the sun. with my wide eyes, i've seen worlds that don't belong. my mouth is dry, with words I cannot verbalize. tell me why we live like this."

"cut the bonds with the moon."

"oh crystal ball, crystal ball, save us all; tell me life is beautiful."

...unless I was bed-ridden for part of it.

I always get sick over break...and dammit, I was so determined t spend all afternoon at the rock wall today, no matter how cold it was. Its 3 now, so even if I miraculously feel good enough to move anytime soon, the sky will be dark in an hour or so. I could ride my bike to the park to climb, but wouldn't have much time to make any significant progress.

meh. passing out now...

its truly amazing how much more powerful hate can be, when it is directed at someone you love. and even through this genuine and immense hatred, you don't want to hurt them with it.


I REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU. And I hate how many years and how much energy I have put into you. And I have to accept that you are never going to appreciate me, and the good I have been in your life... never enough to feel guilt for how you've hurt me.

No. Only when you want something, are you willing to express guilt; willing to feel sorry for something or someone.

Well, I am sorry. I'm fucking sorry that for whatever reason, I am not good enough, and never have been. Maybe all the influence I have been in your life has been negative. Maybe I'm the reason you make such shitty choices now. Maybe I destroyed you, and us, and everything.
But I don't think so. I think I just deserve better than this.



it was good to vent.

being able to pull myself up.
being able to get from the ground to another level.
getting there by myself; just the earth, and my will.

trusting the rock.
trusting balance.
trusting my grip, my judgment, my mind, myself.



...I guess I'm not just talking about climbing.

one day I'll fly away...

caught the clock.

300 blog posts in less than a year.


anyway, that is a side note...

i was really about to write something about being worthless. I know... well I don't know, but I believe that I am not worthless. I just feel like it, a lot. And the way some other people treat me, makes me feel like that. And I hope I don't make other people feel worthless, though I think that could actually be what I do to a lot of people. I really hope not... the last thing I want to do is make someone else feel the way that I feel so often.

But in scrambling to find something to get me through my hard times, I may be stepping on people, and putting them through worse things.


ugh.
So much is so hard right now. And this is the easy part...

I hate love almost as much as I love it.

Pain. So much pain. How much pain can I possibly cause? Am I doing any good? Is anything I do good?

I am tempted to shove this down, but I know it will resurface.
I only want to do more good than I do ill.
I only want to create more than I destroy.

"Loving someone can't really hurt them." Those are my words. Do I really trust that because I believe it is true, or just because I once said it in order to reassure someone else that it was?

"I am in love with Montana. For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection, but with Montana it is love, and it's difficult to analyze love when you're in it." -John Steinbeck



so... last night, i was trying to sleep and i just couldnt stop laughing at myself and how ridiculous I am. ....I seriously need a girls night or something.

Tonight is the party at Ben Joselyn's house in Seattle. I don't know if I am gonna go. I would if Ariel and Carolyn were with me... but everyone there is gonna be drinking...
I really wanna see Ben and Emily, but I just don't know if I wanna put myself in that situation. What else can I do tonight??

Blech.

I have lots of stuff to get done today around the house. Laundry, and going through my shit.
Timing is off right now. I wish Dana was getting back tonight and not tomorrow. *sigh*

Ok... time to seize the day.
what's left of it, anyway

ran 4 miles on a treadmill. that was... hard. i dont like being able to see the time and distance. plus, its hard to stay focused on running when there is no new scenery to distract me. i just blared some epic music and it helped motivate me.

then i went with mom to seattle. she had to go work at the hospital but she dropped me off and i just walked around downtown a bit. went to the library. found some books for my project (one of which had an article by Uncle David in it, hah. thats the one i checked out).

then i just wandered my way down to pike street. spent a minimal amount of time there. headed up to meet Amanda and Jess at Nathan's apartment where we sat around and watched Ironman and ate, and debated on the attraction of Robert Downey Jr., which i only started seeing about halfway through the movie. We decided it was in the personality... hah

when Nathan got home Amanda and he and I headed back to the Valley to celebrate Hanukkah. Driving with Nathan is one of the scariest things ever. I dont like it. I try to like it... I just really dont. So I slept on the way home, hoping the whole way that I would survive, but just not wanting to be conscious for the trip. Its just too intense. He's not a bad driver... I just think 70, as the speed limit, is too fast, and 80 is just way too fast. I don't like that, at all. But I survived. YAY!

Anyway, Hanukkah was enjoyable and we had a wonderful dinner...

Currently chatting with Ariel and Carolyn on msn, and listening to 80's music, and going through all the shit I own, trying to "lighten the load." I have a headache and probably will go to bed soon.

"Individual Study: Media Arts, Visual Anthropology, Communications"

i say this without pessimism, or spite, or anger, but two things that have helped me lately:

-knowing that i am inherently alone, and so is everyone else, and we always will be (in that respect).
this makes me feel less alone in feeling alone, and helps me feel better.

-and knowing that i will die someday.
this motivates me to live today.

im probably going to Seattle tomorrow. after i work out at the gym with mom. i just wanna walk around and take pictures in the city. i guess. i just don't want to be in the valley.

i don't actually care where i am, i just want to be with people or doing something that doesn't make me feel like shit. so that narrows it down to a select few people (most of whom are not currently in the valley, except maybe 2), and a select few activities (namely traveling, climbing, running, swimming, photography, and the like.)

early morning. i guess i'll sleep.

i dont know if i exile myself... or what. i donno. i don't get it. im always outside looking in.


"soy un perdedor"

fuck it. i dont even want to write.

i had fun climbing today. by myself. i might just like it better that way.

Last night Carolyn, Emily and I watched Benjamin Button. that one kills me. Tonight Carolyn and I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I cried more tonight. I might just be a bit more emotionally susceptible than I was last night.

Carolyn's company is lovely. We miss Ariel though too.

Tomorrow I find out about Peru. Hopefully, unless they tell me its contingent on something I do next quarter. Haha, I can totally picture this: "well, you have proved yourself on all fronts except presenting in front of people. That is what your trip is contingent on, your presentation next quarter." In which case I would be screwed. I just thoroughly suck at presenting in front of people, or performing anything in front of people. I need to work things through in my head, and on paper. I can't just know what to say and be out with it... not even if I study the subject intently for 10+ weeks.

Not that its a legitimate scenario... I'm not worried about being accepted to go on the trip. ...Maybe I should be. Probably not.
I am maybe a bit worried that I won't wake up for my eval conference though. It is 2am, and I should be asleep. I just have a lot on my mind, and those movies didn't really help.

At the least I am going to lay in bed.

A lot recently I have been wondering why I still write here... Is it because people read it? Or is it because I don't feel justified or sure about anything until I work it out in writing? Is it because I enjoy it?
All of the above to a certain extent. But... I kind of want to re-evaluate that.

Reminder to self: Get a new journal. Yea, my journal is full. That's number 6, I believe.

I'm excited to climb tomorrow... hopefully it won't be crowded. I got really overwhelmed the other day at the top of the wall when I looked and saw how many people were in there. I felt claustrophobic, not to mention I was like +/-20 feet above ground (horrible judge of distance). I totally panicked and just let go, and then curled up on the mat at the bottom.

ok. sleep is good.

Matt posted this on his site. I liked it. I related to some of it. Some I related to other people, Matt included. Anyway, I wanted to remember it. So here:

"There really are things that are irreparable. I'm always wanting to tell people this. It doesn't matter who I say it to. It could be a rainy day and I'm standing on the station platform of the Keio Line, waiting for an express train that's late. Or I'm standing in line at a convenience store where a brand-new employee is slowly working the register. Either way, I see myself muttering this without thinking. Like the phrase has wormed its way into my unconscious so much that, when I'm irritated, I can't help but blurt it out.

I don't think I could blurt it out to Yuzan or Kirarin, though. They'd just say, "Hmm. You could be right," their eyes dreamily looking around for a bit, but then, as soon as the subject changed, they'd forget all about it. They'd drop it so fast I'd be left there feeling stupid and embarrassed. I'd hate that, so that's why I don't bring it up with them. It'd be like a lighthouse, where the spotlight rotates and, for an instant, illuminates something. But once the light moves on, everything melts back into the dark. They couldn't care less. Unless you actually experience something that can't be undone, you can't possibly understand it. People like that just think it's some phrase and misinterpret it. To them, it's some cheap truism.

Toshi alone might react differently. On the surface she acts all casual, but she's a sensitive person and is very intuitive. I bet she'd look me in the eye and try to tease out what I'm getting at. But not finding anything, Toshi, too, would be disappointed and turn to other things.

By "things that are irreparable," I don't mean something like Worm's killing his mother. It's not that simple. And it's not something like the guilt Yuzan has over avoiding her mother's death. It's actually the opposite. How can I put it? Once you're dead you can't come back to life - it's final. But to my way of thinking, those are also events that aren't entirely irreparable, because they are the easy way out. I mean, death is something everyone's going to experience someday, so it's an easy-to-understand ending Worm's chosen, and in that sense something close to defeat. Killing somebody is just payback motivated by all your anger, humiliation, and desires, and since it doesn't put an end to problems, it doesn't fit the category of an irreparable action. Something that's really irreparable is more like this: a horribly frightening feeling that keeps building up inside you forever until your heart is devoured. People who carry around the burden of something that can't be undone will one day be destroyed.

Are my ideas too complicated? I'm the kind of person who thinks about difficult things more than others. That's why at home and at school I'm always joking around. The reason's simple - even if I exposed the real me to other people, they wouldn't understand. Toshi might pick up a little of what's going on, but I've yet to meet a person - child or adult - who really gets me.

There's this huge gap between me and other people - a gap in ability, experience, and feelings. I'm really emotional, and bright. When I say bright I don't mean good at schoolwork. I mean I can think abstractly. Some adults might think a high school student can't do this, but they're wrong.

I feel above human relationships, so I'm constantly holding myself in check. Controlling myself like this zaps all my energy, so I gave up on studying and don't take it seriously. I figured out long ago that studying for exams is nothing more than figuring out how to work the system.

maybe it was talking to Caitlin briefly
or maybe it is listening to RHCP

but I really fucking miss Oregon and its wonderful people.
Debating... I could hop a train tomorrow and be in Eugene in no time. Its where they all are right now...
The consideration is being made. I'm starting to run out of reasons not to go, except that I miss my family. Oh, and apart from waiting around on facebook, I have no way to get ahold of Caitlin or Nygil. If you read this Nyg, gimme a call.

i am trying an exercise in writing with my eyes closed.

my love affair with the night...

i am cold, shivering. not violently, i just have some chills going through my body. lstening to the moon.
my love affair with the night.
i dont like laying down to sleep alone. i am alone. i am alone. we are all alone. but
we can find something
someone
love.
company
we can escape our loneliness temporarily. escape with me. please. escape. but we have to return. we have to return. it is our state.

slow down. slow down. we dont need to have the answers. we just need to allowwhat we feel.
we just need to feel somethning.
cloase your eues. dont analyse what you see or what you say. just feel.
just feel.


dtip drip drop drop.
dont fight. flow. like water in the stream, it takes us places, impossible. we arent afraid of going. if we are we must relinquish that fear. we must grow bond it.

the violin.
it would be you, wouldnt it?


scream into the sky,
fuck
i dont know how to free my mind.
freeeee
i want to be free. and me, i want to be... i want to be loved. and i love
and i fear everything i dont know. i fear the dark, the emptiness that opens up when im alone. it is space, space not filled, a void of what is unknwon. unknown. do we really fear it? we ... want it. we hide from it. it drives us. if we knew we were to die tomorrow, we wouldnt do what we are doing today. ignorance.
i hate ignorance. the stigma attacched to it... i hate being ignirance of reality. i will die. i just dont knwo when. i just dont knwo where, or how. will i feel alone, or will i be with...

space, falling, falling. slip. when you slip. its a long fall, or uncertainty. uncertainty
and when you hit the ground, and you are alive, you know you are alive, and yoor consciousness of that needs to catch up with the physical reality. you hold yourself. you wish... well. you are alive. and alone. and you wish...
but it doesnt matter. somehow, it doesnt matter, and even if... it doesnt matter, because of what is based in reality, even if it is not physical reality.
dreams arent exactly what im talking about. i am talking about... the stars. the stars are the same every night... they are different every second. they are there all the time. we cant see them all the time. the sun. the light "doesnt blind you at all, it just helps you see" but what about the sun? it IS a star. it just helps you see. anyway, it is always there, they are always there. you just cant always see them. and love and presence and emotion and desire and

well. well, people are afraid of what is under the water. people are afraid because they cant see it, they dont know. but would knowing be any better? if we saw the shark face to face, would that be any better? maybe not seeing is okay. maybe... on some level. maybe these are stupud metaphores that have no solidity in actuality. but i am typing with my eyes closed and so maybe i dont even really know what i am saying. maybe i am just typing for the sake of experimenting in this form of thought and all my thoughts in this state are completely obscure... whatever, that is how it is always is. and there is no wrong or right. so fuck you

listening to the stars. wars with the night. waiting for the day. the day. i will see....
like i said, those days are the best days. no matter how unnerving, how painful. you...

darkness. "my spirits seem to go down with the sun." i dont know about that... i dont know. fuck, can we just establish that i dont know anything. as if that needs to be established, no one knows anything... fuck, i dont know that. what a fucking idiot i can be.

i wish i could be...
i wish i could write something worthy of..
i wish i could finish my thoughts without being worried who would see them, maybe i wont post this. maybe i just wont.

oh the good life. the slow life. the simple life. the ___ life.

"so much hate for the one's we love"
god, spite is terrible. its pretty much the same thing as love. hahahahaha in so many ways i find that to be true.
"rock me mama like the wind and the rain, rock me mama like a southbound train. heeeyyy mama rock me"

travel plans. i dont know where we are going, but i think we might just end up going there together. it would make things make sense. not that things ever need to make sense, but maybe they do need every once in a while, or maybe alot. i just know we can be alone and still be going in the same direction. if thats okay with you.. and even if its not...
we will be.

rain/ rain falling on
the snow falling on the ground
"you must have known the storm was comin.."
the same direction. the same
direction is so ...
i can be lost in the woods and am i really lost? amd i lost if i dont know my direction, if i jsut wander aimlessly like we do through life. but if we just find some direction, surely we will find some people to take the journey with, at least until the next fork.
fork. food
forks. vampires (thats what it just said in my song "you let the vampires in"... good timing). if i was running, i would be preparing to sprint, cause this is almost the sprinting part of the song... and god danm it is so epic. i love. why havent i been running?
i think ia m about done with this freewrite. it hurts my eyse to keep them closed with the light from the screen on them. (,,, you could turn off the screen) true.
well i am tired, i should go to sleep. it will feel good, and the day tomorrow/later today is important. i feel it.

so i wait for my sun. i wait for my moon. i wait for my stars.
but i must not forget, they are always here,
or at least, they are always there.

so today was normal, and i mean normal in the sense that i felt normal... not sad, or all too confused. not overly happy. just... ya know, fine.
I don't really like fine, but its a nice break from insane, ya know?


anywhoo. it is nice to have very little obligation and responsibility. I spent 3 and half hours in the climbing gym today. and then i took a shower, relaxed, took and upload pictures, ate some food, helped Becca with her essay, and we are gonna watch Benjamin Button or something later; Carolyn, Emily, and I.
ftw.


so.. i feel fine. but i kinda feel a little bit... heartbroken. hahahahahah. i mean, yea, but no. but yea.
oh wow.

I'm enjoying my new camera. ^_^


Oh, and i finally got that whole quote off the stairwell:

"From the nothing, the begetting: From the nothing, the increase: From the nothing, the abundance: the power of increasing the living breath: It dwelt within the empty space. It produced the firmament which is above us."
-Maori

It just reminds me of what can be created out of seemingly nothing. I guess I didn't write about there here. I wrote it in my tutoring philosophy. I might post that, as it is now, on here sometime.


oh, and I got a new hat. actually it is a harf scat. cause its also a scarf. haha.
movie time.
peace.

The title of the last post got me thinking about something. I am just going to write a reminder for myself here. This is likely meaningless to you, so don't worry about it.

i like the number 1 (power)
i like the number 2 (possibility)
i like the number 3 (dynamics)
i like the number 4 (balance)
i like the number 5 (middle)

"there is an Indian proverb that says that everyone is a house with four rooms, a physical, an emotional, a mental, and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person."

this was Blair's status today. I want to think about it, and practice it, and see where that takes me.

I have a whole lot on my mind right now (when do I not?) But anyway, tonight my family, along with Dane, Jess and Amanda all went to see Invictus tonight, which was a good movie. Not... amazing, as movies go. But the story is amazing, and the story is real, so that is the best part. We went to PF Changs after the movie. I enjoyed that enough. It was good to be with family, and not really have anything pressing to worry about. That doesnt mean there was nothing on my mind, or that I even felt that good. I didnt really. But... it was better than being in my dorm room, or anywhere else really.

Anyway, now I am helping Becca out with her final paper. Its a bit complicated but it relates a lot to Andean Roots, so I am really able to quickly understand the complexity of an issue I know almost nothing about. Its really good that I am learning about it though. I bet I could use it for a presentation in Spanish class next quarter. Either way, it is keeping my mind off things. And it isnt too stressful, because I don't actually have to write the paper, I just get to do the fun research and learning part.

My back is absolutely screaming at me today. I can hardly move my arms. I can't believe only a couple hours of climbing can make me feel this way. I am glad to go back and be on campus a few more days so I have time to get plenty of climbing in before the break. I plan to climb in North Bend later too, but that will be in very short increments of time, because its so fucking cold. Also, over break, I want to go to the gym with mom a whole ton. I don't want to be lazy. Like the quote says... I want to keep all aspects of my life going, so that I am really living each day.

I guess that's one of the things on my mind: death. How fragile I am. We all are.
I don't want to die, but I could, any day. Not that this is a new realization, but for some reason it has been more upfront in my mind lately. And when I was reading that cool book "Do it," it told me to look at myself in the mirror every morning and smile and tell myself "You will die." Why not? Its true. I will die. And its good to remember, so I remember to live while I'm alive. So I wrote it on my mirror, in my dorm room, and in the bathroom.

Each day I will remember how temporary all of this is...


Anyway. I am tired. Its almost 2am, and I need to go through these articles for Becca and outline how she can use them.

Oh fuck, I forgot my mouth guard on campus. :/

did I mention that I love life? haha, I am so fucking confused about everything. I feel miserable so much of the time. I feel spiteful of myself and other people so often.
I hate so much,
but remember: hate is generally a product of intense love.

...I have an awful lot of love.

i've had "you're what you own" stuck in my head all day.


i could write a blog about it... but that's not necessary right now. i am going to bed soon anyway.

but i went and saw Ninja Assassin tonight with Zach, Tyler, Eric, and Daniel. and... that was an experience.
we also went climbing today. it was the first time ive worked out in a while, but it was good. i stayed there about a half hour longer than them, and some other guys were in there briefly so then i had the place to myself. that was good. i played Swell Season, which... *nods* yea... that is good climbing music for me. and i worked on routes that really tested my arms, and i just pushed myself really hard.
i had only eaten donut holes and an orange/tangerine or whatever. i should have grabbed a luna bar, but anyway... so i was pretty weak all day, luckily i had stashed another orange in my bag, so i ate that in the gym which helped a little.

but yea... im tired. im going home in the morning, just for tomorrow night (tonight, technically). then i'll be back on campus for evals and climbing for a few more days.

*sigh*
ok. well... off to bed.

...insane.


oh, mind, don't do this to me tonight. just let it be
please

please
don't mess this up.

from nothing: the increase.

so tonight i still have to
write a self eval:


i fucking suck at everything,
except destroying myself
and everyone else.


how about that?

now i remember why that quote was important.

"Elation and depression, love and doubt, pride and self-loathing, the fickle heart can be a weapon and shield."

This was someone's status tonight.
I don't really have any strong attachment to it, except felt familiar in terms of things I've felt recently.

why does campus housing think they can just turn off the heat?
fuck.

I'm not gonna be able to type long because my fingers will freeze off.
I still need to do CV 2 evaluation tonight. Meh, should be fairly simple, mainly because I'm gonna write it more for me than any professional audience. it may end up sounding "good enough" anyway, but...
so, i just rewrote some of my tutoring philosophy because that is due with my portfolio tomorrow too. its pretty good. not everything i hoped for but I'm just not in a hurry to perfect it. its going to evolve more next quarter anyway, assuming i get the job (and probably even if i don't).
oh, and i need to do my week 10 written reflection.


i think after i finish my work. it'd be nice to watch a movie tonight, with the right company. buuuut, thats just... silly.

see, I've felt pretty alright for the past couple of days. I mean... significantly less hopeless than I was a couple weeks ago. So that's... something.

I was confused for a little bit this weekend, but I think I regained my bearings a little on that subject.

But I seem to have come to a state in which... I am too afraid to expect anything from anything, and so I don't really have something to look forward to, because its all so random and unpredictable. And I'm guarded right now... to a certain extent. On the other hand, it kinda just frees me of any real commitment, and I can be fairly uninhibited about ...

see, but that leads me to this state of almost uncaring. and i start saying mean things, and stop working out, and
like today, at lunch, alicia had two of her classmates sit with us, and i didnt even introduce myself. i mean, we were kinda all engaged in some sort of interaction. i thought about shaking their hands, asking what thier names were... but i guess i didnt care enough. i just sat there eating really shitty food and tried to talk to alicia a little bit.

the other day was good. what day was that? oh, monday. i didnt have class and i hadnt slept all night. i just had to turn in my paper. and then work for 4 hours. that night was when i last blogged.
i donno, that day was distinctive because everything felt sorta dreamlike. but work was... yea, interesting... just hard cause i was so tired.
but afterward i went and hung out with zach and eric for a bit, which i think needed, in a very real sense of the word.
the day was also distinctive because of visiting the art annex, which ive never been to before, but is a really cool place to explore and look around.
ariel and carolyn and i walked up there to visit tyler who was staying up all night on his project. then we walked around campus, looking at the gorgous moon, and doing a little bit of unorthodox star-tripping.

anyway
i dont really care to write much of anything else right now.
i dont feel good. im tired, and im just generally in a bad mood for whatever fuckin reason. i guess i just didnt get enough sleep last night. not to mention, carolyn and ariel are leaving tonight, and i won't see ari until after christmas which fuckin breaks my heart. hopefully carolyn will be back on campus for a bit next week. other than that... i am stuck with guys. and maybe some alicia (brian might visit next week too).

oh, and im supposed to go home this weekend for a couple nights of hanukkah, which is cool cause i like being home, but dont really wanna go back and forth... so thats kinda annoying.

meh. when i get back, there wont be much to do. i have an eval conference monday, and one wednesday too. and another one in there somewhere for spanish. on monday is the "interview" for an actual position at the writing center. wednesday i find out if i go to Peru. but other than those meetings, im gonna have nothing. lots of climbing, and hopefully some running (indoors, my hands cant take this weather), and maybe some raquetball if the guys are up for it.

but no dance parties, no girly movie nights, or rockband all nighters, guilt-free because there is no homework or class left...
thats what i was looking forward too.
meh.

i am off to my last andean roots class meeting for the quarter. its basically just a tea and cookie party. hope its enjoyable enough.

friends
massages
meaningless accomplishment
celebratory dance parties
5 minute convos with random people
Evergreen faculty
burritos (guacamole)
timing
showers
listening to you
the night sky
regaining feeling in freezing hands
20 minute power naps
the Evergreen campus
exploration
the sun
the moon
sparkling grass
star tripping (backwards)
unhinged states of mind
Apples to Apples
the Writing Center
llamas
Youtube
whimsical-ness
travel
on and on and on.

and sleep.
time for sleep.

i am literally the most ridiculous person ever.

and im still awake.


are you kidding me?
ahhhhhhh
i seriously still have 1.5 hours left of work.
interrupting the Apples to Apples party, I was strewn into 3 backtoback sessions, all of which were fairly grueling.
i'm kinda stoked on free pancakes at the HCC tonight at 10.
but i will probably be asleep.
or not.
fuck.
something was supposed to happen tonight...
but, i should rest, and try to give my mind a break.
but... when am i gonna have another chance?

BLAAH
fuck sleep.

ya know? i kinda feel a little zombie-ish.

"Jim is my enemy, but it turns out Jim is also his own worst enemy, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so Jim is actually my friend.

...But
because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually Jim is my enemy.

...But..."

whoa.
that seriously sucked.
I'm pretty sure I just spent almost 24 hours on my take-home final papers.
Fuck that.
Really.. FUCK THAT.

And I need to do a read through before I print them out because I serious don't even know if I sound coherent in the second one.

You know how in my last post I said something about appreciating interacting forces? Yea, well I totally do, but let me tell you, I am fucking sick of integrating/synthesizing information. By the end of this week, I think I will have had enough of that for a very long time.

Unfortunately I still have my in-class final, 3 evals to write, and a reconstruction/expansion of my tutoring philosophy. oh please, tell me that is all!
thank god all 3 of those things have a heavy emphasis on integration!
fuck.

meh, I'm probably just pissy cause I didn't sleep a wink. It was kinda cool to watch the sunrise though, or at least see the sunlight slowly break away the night through my blinds. Its too fucking cold to have my blinds open.

soooo, about those read throughs? I honestly dont know if i can stomach re-visiting those papers. I mean, I think i could write those papers for eternity and they would still never be able to fully convey all the connections and thoughts and everything i wanted them to. unfortunatly, i dont even think either of them was up to my usual standard of essay writing. blech. well. they are due in three hours... i doubt i could sleep for fear of sleeping through my alarm.

Im gonna go shower. then do my re-read dealio.
and then bundle up in about 60 layers and trek up to turn them in.
then sleep?
maybe.
i have work from 4-8.
actually, 5-8.
I am blocked out from 4-5 for a game of Apples to Apples with all the rest of the Writing Center tutors. That starts at 3, and I've been looking forward to that, so it goes above sleep on the list of priorities.

aannnd. tonight, movie after class (o un conversacion), but either way i aint doin no more work today!! and i am going to bed early.

and tomorrow, sleep in til work at 11. work til 3. probably not run, unless my throat and body feel about 500x better than they do right now. plus, i need to study. study study study for my fuckin in-class final on wednesday. guuuurossssssss.
haha. THEN porfolios are due on thursday, which means i need to write a better draft of my self-eval and make sure i have all my documents in my binder/organized. skdjahgnfna;
and friday, my cultivating voice portfolio is due, meaning i need to write my tutoring philosophy by then!
over the weekend, I will have my two other evals to pump out. and then 3 eval conferences next week.
and then FINALLY!!! FREEEEDOM!

buut.. thats a long way away.
so for now...
i just need to survive today.
(and more than survive... i want to enjoy... so wish me luck on that)

See, even now I am having conversations with myself. That is what writing often is for me though... a conversation with myself such that I can understand something or someone else better. And maybe someone will read what I have to say and have that "conversation" and then find something within it to relate. That extends the relationship between writer and reader, and likely the reader and something or someone else.
This is why I should read more.
Extend the spiral.

i like seeing forces interacting
and how powerfully one thing affects another.
when i see this, i usually can't explain it, or make it tangible/accessible. this is why i feel like i will never be able to understand architecture in so many ways. I see that there are interactions, and i guess i can feel their effects (that's why they are there), but I don't understand it in that way, and I would never be able to verbalize or mimic it.


my mind is jumping.
when i stayed at Tony's last week (I don't feel this way now) but I remember thinking "this is perfect. this is where I belong, in his arms." and I never wanted to leave. Or if I did leave, I wanted to be able to come back, whenever. It strange, because that night was one of the most intensely emotional experiences I have ever had. And I can think about it calmly now. I mean, there is a little bit of anger and frusteration, but I don't feel... well, I guess this is one of those times where words fall short, at least under my jurisdiction with them.

Home. I don't understand the full implications of that word, but when I walked out of Tony's door, early Thanksgiving morning, I snapped a picture of the view from his porch. There was a light fog, and the air was quite beautiful. But that wasnt it... It was the moment, and the hundreds of moments I have had walking out that door onto that porch, and looked out across the lawn, across the bridge, across the street and into the mountains...
And it doesnt matter. Not in the sense that so many things matter, that I find myself twisting them in my head. It just is. It just was. And now...

I am sitting in my room about to start working on my two final papers. I am sick, and exhausted, and confused about so many of life's workings. There is stress building in my chest, urgency to get this work done. I just woke up and there are only a few hours of daylight left.
I have spent the past four nights in the arms of someone who truely loves me. It felt so wonderful I could hardly sleep.

And tomorrow...

I don't have any more answers. any more convictions, or any more energy to make conviction out of reason. I have reaction, interaction...
and right now, through all the chaos, I have some sense of faith. However large or lasting, I don't know. but for now...

I want to trust that the world has a balance.
not a plan, but a balance;
that there is some sort of purpose in all we do.

I'm afraid that there isn't,
I'm afraid of all the ways I could be wrong,
but there is no way to ever know.
That is where faith comes in.
Not for religion,
not for a god, or for any one thing we can name,
but just that within our lives, individually and(/or) interacting,
we can find some peace,
or create some peace,
or even just accept some peace.

you wanna know something pretty funny?

I think I'm gonna like being sick this time.
It completely inhibits my ability to think too hard about anything.
So now... I get a break from all my scrutiny, which will hopefully make my homework a lot easier, cause I'm not gonna be able to question everything little thing. But for sure it will make the rest of my life easier, just because I'm gonna have to stay inside, eat, drink, and not interact with too many people.

Is it wrong that this makes me a little bit giddy?
Hey, at least I'm looking on the bright side.

increasingly self-loathing
at each movement
and thought.


i might never escape this.
my brain hurts.
I'd like to just sleep for a few days.