well i am back in north bend. dont really feel like writing here. everything feels ridiculous. surreal. wish there was someone here not sleeping though...
definitely missing NYSC cuddle puddles right about now. and being sung to sleep...
just bought some Peter Mulvey songs. helping to make this transition easier.
so... perhaps sleep is in order. i'll try that.
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Ohmygosh!
Okay, before I start, I know I am getting WAY ahead of myself here, but fall quarter (and the months leading up to it, and the rest of the year after it) looks like its going to rock.
So I just went back and re-read the description of my program for the Fall and remembered why I should be so seriously stoked about the fact that I get to take it. Then I read the description for the second 2 quarters of it and realized that third quarter is an internship opportunity/individual project, meaning: I (or "we" --if Eric and Ty [and Ben?] wanna go too) could probably set it up so we could do that internship in Peru, at PSF! Click HERE and HERE to see program descriptions).
How cool would that be? If I got to go back to Peru (and bring greater skills to PSF) so soon!
Earlier today I temporarily removed the block on pictures from this computer because Cecilia had posted pictures from the first modular home they built in Pisco.
These pictures... brought me to tears. I am in absolute aww at how beautiful it is, and so much of me feels like I actually helped to build it, even though I wasnt there during the building process.
I also looked at Calum's pictures.
I met so many amazing people in Peru.
and here...
NYSC has also been changing my life. Some of the people I have met here have already become people I hope to have as life-long friends. I also feel like I am growing so much, and gaining experience in surprising areas of activity that I probably couldnt put a name on if I tried. Some of the more tangible things I have improved are my photography skills (obviously). I have taken so many pictures here, and I am expected to pretty much always have my camera on me, and take pictures of EVERYTHING. When I get home... no more picture-taking for a while. Serious. BURNT OUT. But I am definitely getting better at it.
I learned the basics of juggling, which I may have written about in a previous post.
I am pretty pro at belaying climbers now. ><
and i also got to take pictures while being suspended above the climbers. so scary, but way worth it!
My first real backpacking trip was amazing, and yesterday I did my first whitewater kayaking, and am hooked on that now too.
(Should someone rein me in yet?)
Oh, and next week, we all go to Washington, DC. I've never been before, so I am really excited to see museums and all sorts of stuff thats going on there.
I held my first seminar the other day, and it went really well! Everyone was enthusiastic about either speaking a different language or learning about a different culture. We had about 5 or 6 languages being spoken and discussed. We had 3 native Spanish speakers (teaching spanish/learning english), a native speaker for both Farsi and Hindi, a native speaker and at least one learner of German (same deal with Chinese), and someone who had studied Arabic. So many different discussions going on, and so much enthusiasm to share and learn!
The delegates here are brilliant and talented beyond most anything I have seen, and the guest speakers are fantastic as well. I am so invigorated with desire to learn more and more.
This place is similar to Evergreen in that everyone is a teacher and everyone is a student. Last night at the campground after kayaking (and a surprise pizza party!) Vienna and I were talking about school and grades and expectations of ourselves due to pressure from the standard education system. We decided that since she is going to UPS near Tacoma, she should skip her classes some day and come to class with me to see how EG works, and whether or not she thinks she would find greater self-fulfilment at a school where she doesnt feel the pressure of the standard grading system. It would be so cool if she transferred, but even if she doesnt I love that she is gonna be in the Pacific Northwest, and so close to me.
Hmm, one thing that is going to be interesting:
the day after I get back from my travels I am going to the SSPU concert. Brian (and probably other people once known as Facakes) is going too. Stoked for that... BUT that day is also the Centenial Celebration for Camp Fire USA, and Camp Killoqua is having a party. So, before I got to NYSC I called Minnie and asked her if she was going. She said yes, and that we should go together and so I told her I had to be back to Seattle for the concert that night, and she said "hmm... guess who else is going to that concert?"
...
duh.
Grey (or Showtime if we are going by Camp K standards.)
How could that have possibly slipped my mind that he would be going? OF COURSE he is going. What did we listen to EVERY TIME we left camp on TO or weekends last year?
I am actually quite happy about this little overlap, because I had texted him upon my return from Peru, and we seem to be on fairly good terms, and I think a concert would be a perfect venue to reunite and catch up, and maybe talk about what happened and why. Maybe he will be at Camp K that day too.
I also have been in contact with Matt F and Ben J and can't wait to see them! I can envision a small party with those guys along with Heidi and Haley and Emily and other wonderful people like that.
Could there possibly be more?
Seeing Eclipse! and all the other cool movies that are out now that I can hardly wait to see.
Spending time with my family and kitties!
Having fun with all the other people I havent seen in forever.
Relaxing (or not? See above and below.)
Working at Summer Winds
Hopefully volunteering for a week at Killoqua since I miss it so much. (I will quite possibly have to clone myself multiple times in order to do everything I want to do next summer, ie. come back here, work at Killoqua and Summer Winds, remain in Peru after contract/internship, be with my family).
Have I gone overboard making plans? The answer is always yes, because who knows what could happen between now and then, but at least I am making lists about things I am excited for rather than things I feel I am obligated to do, which is SUCH a change.
Maybe I am just in a good mood cause I've been doing so many cool things (sleeping under the stars, kayaking in the perfect-temperature water on a perfect-weather day, pigging out on pizza and pop, sitting next to fires having incredible conversations, listening to music on long bus rides, and playing the Psychiatrist game) for the past 48 hours,
and for the past two weeks spending time getting to know a bunch of freshly graduated high-schoolers who have so much excitement about what they are about to go do in the world.
I've been calling my Mom daily, which helps me stay sane too.
The only thing I wish I could do more is write, which is why it is all coming out right now in this mess of thoughts and excitement.
Oh no. One bad thing.
So, one of my fellow Staph members, Alex Kinn, doesnt believe that anyone can take flattering pictures of him, so I stupidly bet him that I could do so by the end of camp. The stakes are:
successful flattering picture: he has to shave everything below the waist.
no flattering picture: i have to bleach my hair and then dye it a bright color for Staph week.
I better not fail. :/
I should probably get off the computer now. Dinner time soon, and there are always pictures to take or rate, so I shouldnt use up anymore of the precious little time I can actually sort through pictures on the computer.
There is one person in my life (and not really even in my life right now) who drives me insane.
*sigh* I need to really think about how I am actually going to write about this, because this person is probably much different than the last time I spent any decent amount of time with them.
just got back from a great backpacking trip and probably really need to go shower soon,
BUT
I got an email from Sandy and it sounds like I got the job at the Writing Center! She won't send out official letters for a week, but "see you next year" sounds promising to me. :)
I'm excited for next year. I am taking an awesome class, plus Ty and Eric are BOTH in it with me. I (probably) get to tutor again. I am going to climb a ton. I get to see Ari and Cari and Alicia as much as I/they want. I feel like I have a much better friendship with Ben now, which is wonderful.
The end of the summer is gonna be great too.
I really enjoyed my group for the overnighter, and after the hike yesterday we were camping by a waterfall/waterhole where we swam in the freezing cold water. I never wanted to get out.
I'm signed up for a climbing trip too and they are gonna rig me up on the wall so I can take suspended pictures.
Homesick still. Trying to take it day by day. Its easy at some points, and almost impossible at others.
Oh, I learned the basics of how to juggle and almost have it down.
In the past week or so, I have been really missing Ben Joselyn and Matt F.
camp is amazing. the people are just fantastic, and everything we do is new and exciting.
the lecture we had tonight was life-changing, i think, for many of the delegates, and it just inspired me to live the lifestyle i have been wanting to.
im definitely falling in love with this place.
but i miss home so much i can hardly stand it..
i dont even know what home is, but i miss it.
this could be a home for me... but its not the one i want right now.
I'm absolutely exhausted...
i dont have time to write.
i dont have time to myself.
maybe its better that way, because when i have a chance for it all to sink in (especially that this is only day two of actual camp), i just want to cry.
actually one of the things that makes me feel the most at home is the fact there there are Peruvians here. One of the presenters has his wife Ana here and she was born in Lima, and her family felt the 2007 Pisco earthquake from there.
A couple of the delegates are from Peru, and one of them had family in Pisco during the earthquake.
I talked to the woman from Lima during dinner about PSF, and after dinner she came up and gave me a hug and thanked me, telling me that the people of Pisco will never forget me. It was amazing.
time to get ready for cabin meetings, which are also an incredible part of camp.
i want to be home. i want to be home. i want to be home.
i need to be here because these are things i don't want to miss out on. these are good things, that i cant get anywhere else.
i wish i had just gone home. i wish i didn't know what i would be missing here. i feel like i messed up horribly by missing the end of Peekaboo's life. i dont know if this feels worse because i had time to have gone home briefly before camp (and even if i didnt know she was going to die i would have at least gotten to see her again), or because this is the second time this has happened since ive been gone.
i just dont want to be here alone, but thats how i feel, despite being surrounded by wonderful people, doing amazing things. i feel wrong about it. i feel like so much of my heart is somewhere else right now. but then i just feel weak if i give up-- Peru got easier, this will too. but it almost physically hurts my brain to think that im not going to be home for a month.
i wish i was stronger and i keep telling myself that i can get through this if i just suck it up and do it. and i have been trying as hard as i can try to allow this to be the good experience it should be. but i feel like hell; like ive been swimming upstream constantly...
i dont even know how home could be better, except that maybe i would be able to grieve, and relax, and let myself feel whatever it is that i feel. and i would be with people who feel my pain and understand that i have been through a lot these past three months and that i just need a break. but i am the only one who can give myself that break, and i just dont want to. i dont want to feel weak again. i dont want to give up like i always use to. its just a month. 4 weeks. thats all. why does it feel so long? its 4 weeks of experience that i can never get back if i leave. thats what my brain is telling me, but... for some reason i feel like this is going to damage me severely, but logically, and from what everyone is telling me about camp, it will make me better to stay, and it will help me heal. i swear i am trying desperately to give it that chance.
and no one promised it would be.
I left home... I remember knowing it was possible that Cinder would die while I was gone, but I didn't believe it in my heart. Until today, I dont know if I really believed that she had.
----------
This morning I woke up in a tent. I was getting ready, late, because no one seemed to realize that I had no clue what time to get up. I could hear people outside bitching about people not cleaning their dishes from the night before. The way we are supposed to clean dishes is nasty, but I understood the purpose and had done mine anyway. I was pulling my pants on in the tent and thinking how much better I was doing at the "here and now" thing (pretty much camp philosophy and how i have been trying to live my life... trying not to always be waiting for the next thing, but enjoying what i am doing at present). Right as I was smiling to myself about how I might actually enjoy this month rather than feel anxious through it (or actually physically running away, as I had seriously considered the first night), someone started violently shaking my tent and yelled at me to wake up. I said "Im up already" and it was Mike who replied saying "obviously not! youre still in your tent!" not only is it one of my pet peeves to be bothered about doing something while im already in the process of doing it, but the way he said it, and the way he expected ME to know anything about anything i am supposed to be doing at this camp just pissed me off.
whatever. "im stuck here, so i need to enjoy it." i thought. i mean... its not that it isnt an enjoyable place, but i guess these past few days i just felt drawn to being home. its understandable, because it has been a while, but this is the lifestyle i wanted, right?
well they gave us a lecture during/after we ate breakfast. i pretty much just zoned out. i had listened last night, and enjoyed last night, but morning isnt my best time anyway. last night there were hundreds of fireflys in the woods (maybe the most magical thing ive ever seen). and a big bright moon in the sky. and a creek trickling nearby. and a warm campfire that i helped build.
we went back to camp. i showered (in a warm shower), and in the bathroom I was looking around and trying to convince myself that this was going to be part of my home for the next month, and this is going to be part of my routine. i was desperately trying to have a good attitude about it, and maybe slightly succeeding, but knowing that it was going to take a while to accept.
on the way back to my cabin i hear someone say "she's not in there." for some reason i knew the voice was talking about me, and when she saw me she turned back around and said "shes right here." i enjoy moments like that.
as i rounded the corner I saw Josh and he said "We've got some things to do today. We're going to Charleston, starting as soon as you are ready to go." Oh, at that point I probably couldnt have heard better words. Not only was I going to get to miss the CPR course, but I was going to get to have cell service to call my mom, maybe get online, pick up some of the things I need. I marveled at the strings he must have pulled to get me out of work today but explanation was not needed for enthusiasm. I through my stuff together and met Josh at the car. As I walked passed the PAC Desi smiled politely at me and wished me a good time. We drove the scenic route, through Fayetteville where there is AMAAZZZING climbing that he said he would take me too if I came back to visit sometime. Other than that, I slept most of the way.
~~
I must have been really tired from our hike yesterday. I had hiked with Amber and Kiona on North Laurel Fork. At one point we didnt know which way to go, and we much later found out that we had picked the wrong way. But had we not chosen that way we never would have found Fork. We named the dog Fork because he was a boy, and Laurel was too girly. He was a bear tracking dog which we knew from his collar, but he was severely malnourished. He followed us... for miles and miles. I gave him food eventually. and kept giving him food, and trying to feed him water out of my hands. He walked strangely. He looked like he hadnt been feed for a week or more. He just followed us. He let us pet him. He was a good dog, and I knew I would never be able to leave him behind because his collar seemed not to be transmitting a signal (though I would never know for sure). When we finally got to the pick up point, we took a vote with the other group about whether or not to take him and try to contact his owner. I volunteered to take the blame if we got in trouble because I could give a shit less at this point if people thought my protectiveness of animals was overdone (besides, if Andy was really mad, he would just fire me, and then I wouldnt have a choice about whether or not to stay --which i was and still am debating heavily).
Madeline (who i KNEW i would like) refused to leave without him when others had doubts, and picked Fork up and put him in the back of the Yukon. After a mile or two he got comfortable. After about 10 miles, and after we had picked up the last of the hikers, we passed a small town and Fork started whining and staring out the back window. We pulled over and opened the back and he bolted out and started running back the way we had come. We assumed he then knew where home was, and let it go. I hope he's okay.
-----------------------------------
Anyway.. So Josh and I went and he got ready at his house for the wedding he is playing tonight. Then he dropped me off at the office and I called my mom. My dad picked up, and my mom immediately after. They told me that had bad news about Peekaboo...
So now, I am left here, in this office, alone. in this town/state/region, alone. knowing that i am going to be miserable at camp, and knowing that whether i go home now, or in 4 weeks, i am going to be miserable there.
timing is really fucking something. you know, when you make these big plans you dont know what you are really committing yourself to, and so you have to be ready for whatever. but even if you know the possibility of something exists, you are never prepared for it. and even if something seems impossible to occur, it CAN occur, and you knew it... and you probably just denied it to yourself.
I remember watching that garage door shut, and seeing them for the last time, and maybe some tiny part of me felt like it might be the last time, but most of me believed otherwise.
this fucking computer is dying...
like everything else.
i dont know where these waves of anger come from. but i feel this terrible energy inside me suddenly. i feel panicky and sad. and everything feels worthless again.
i hope it passes with the night.
i hope it passes with the night.
on the road now. flew into Georgia today. Another warm welcome into the US of A. ugg.
Mom, Becca and I drove up to South Carolina and are at a hotel watching Harry Potter. Tomorrow to North Carolina to a climbing gym!
And then up to West Virginia to see Josh and go to camp.
Climbing! my truest love!
Mom, Becca and I drove up to South Carolina and are at a hotel watching Harry Potter. Tomorrow to North Carolina to a climbing gym!
And then up to West Virginia to see Josh and go to camp.
Climbing! my truest love!
uhh
weird day.
first dive: Fish ID (since we cant do night dive as a class tonight).
that was fun.
second dive: wreck dive.
but my fucking right ear wouldn't equalize. so instead of swimming inside a sunken ship, i got to swim back to shore by myself. rinsed and hung all my gear and then passed out in a hammock. woke up who knows how much later after having a dream about a movie I havent even seen yet (The Greatest) and realized that everyone was eating lunch already. went in and got a sloppy joe and fries and potato salad and sat and ate. in a pretty bad mood...
then got ready for the afternoon dive which was to Mary's Place and my parents absolutely insisted I go. They were right. it was an awesome dive. we went through two really deep cracks, and then saw these cool really long super thin silver fish. also the fattest fish i've ever seen was hiding in a cave, but my mom spotted him and pointed him out.
Mom Becca and Dad did the drop dive. i came in on the boat. don't have the best diving stamina.
uhhhg. the worst part about this place is that some much of the staff just hits on you. well, me. right now im just sitting here at the computer and the guy at the bar kept yelling something. i didnt look over until i realized he was saying "Baby" over and over (which is what he called me when he passed a bit ago). when i looked, he said "baby, can i bring you a coke?"
i looked at him funny and he said "on me."
well... there was really no saying no to a free drink, but... oh
yup... there he goes again...
"any drink from the bar you ever want or need, just let me know. on me."
whelp...i'll never be thirsty here, thats for sure.
oh! hes back again...
"you done? you want a munkylala? anything! anything! dont be shy wit me. what do you want?"
oh good.
he just called someone else 'baby' too.
anywhoo...
back to the states in two days, this time for more than 48 hours, but hopefully not too long. my heart already yerns for South America.
Oh YEA.
so here's something actually interesting and important... i am trying to write a book. been THINKING about it for years and years and years. but suddenly i am being called to it. problem is... i got nothing. no idea is ever good enough. no topic compelling enough to develop an idea. and even if i did...
well, at least it is on my mind, and maybe because i am open to the possibility, i might accidentally stumble upon something in my head that would eventually make a good book. i day dream all the time. i DREAM all the time. this should be easy. my dreams are all like scifi though, which really isnt the genre i would be into. i guess i dont know yet, cause ive never written fiction. i remember the few i did for assignments and such but those were some of the only written assignments i didnt finish, or if i did, i didnt like them.
im just never gonna be the writer i want to be, and that sucks, but that just means I will have to keep working at it my whole life. im starting to hate blogging though, because it lets me be lazy about my writing. there are no expectations and there is no challenge and... its all just a bunch of bullshit that no one wants to read. occasionally what i write is funny, but usually im the only one who thinks so. (im starting to think most of my humor will be shared by no one else, but maybe i just havent been with many people lately).
Alejandra just came over and said i could do the wreck dive tomorrow morning. sweet.
ok... more later.
weird day.
first dive: Fish ID (since we cant do night dive as a class tonight).
that was fun.
second dive: wreck dive.
but my fucking right ear wouldn't equalize. so instead of swimming inside a sunken ship, i got to swim back to shore by myself. rinsed and hung all my gear and then passed out in a hammock. woke up who knows how much later after having a dream about a movie I havent even seen yet (The Greatest) and realized that everyone was eating lunch already. went in and got a sloppy joe and fries and potato salad and sat and ate. in a pretty bad mood...
then got ready for the afternoon dive which was to Mary's Place and my parents absolutely insisted I go. They were right. it was an awesome dive. we went through two really deep cracks, and then saw these cool really long super thin silver fish. also the fattest fish i've ever seen was hiding in a cave, but my mom spotted him and pointed him out.
Mom Becca and Dad did the drop dive. i came in on the boat. don't have the best diving stamina.
uhhhg. the worst part about this place is that some much of the staff just hits on you. well, me. right now im just sitting here at the computer and the guy at the bar kept yelling something. i didnt look over until i realized he was saying "Baby" over and over (which is what he called me when he passed a bit ago). when i looked, he said "baby, can i bring you a coke?"
i looked at him funny and he said "on me."
well... there was really no saying no to a free drink, but... oh
yup... there he goes again...
"any drink from the bar you ever want or need, just let me know. on me."
whelp...i'll never be thirsty here, thats for sure.
oh! hes back again...
"you done? you want a munkylala? anything! anything! dont be shy wit me. what do you want?"
oh good.
he just called someone else 'baby' too.
anywhoo...
back to the states in two days, this time for more than 48 hours, but hopefully not too long. my heart already yerns for South America.
Oh YEA.
so here's something actually interesting and important... i am trying to write a book. been THINKING about it for years and years and years. but suddenly i am being called to it. problem is... i got nothing. no idea is ever good enough. no topic compelling enough to develop an idea. and even if i did...
well, at least it is on my mind, and maybe because i am open to the possibility, i might accidentally stumble upon something in my head that would eventually make a good book. i day dream all the time. i DREAM all the time. this should be easy. my dreams are all like scifi though, which really isnt the genre i would be into. i guess i dont know yet, cause ive never written fiction. i remember the few i did for assignments and such but those were some of the only written assignments i didnt finish, or if i did, i didnt like them.
im just never gonna be the writer i want to be, and that sucks, but that just means I will have to keep working at it my whole life. im starting to hate blogging though, because it lets me be lazy about my writing. there are no expectations and there is no challenge and... its all just a bunch of bullshit that no one wants to read. occasionally what i write is funny, but usually im the only one who thinks so. (im starting to think most of my humor will be shared by no one else, but maybe i just havent been with many people lately).
Alejandra just came over and said i could do the wreck dive tomorrow morning. sweet.
ok... more later.
got proposed to today by Jorge, one of the staff here. he told me he wanted to buy a condo, but only if i would marry him and live there with him. he also said he is going to buy me a "fresca" every day this week, and if i ever want more to just put it on his tab. then when he handed me the sprite bottle he told me that his heart is for me...
oh god.
haha.
i think ever since i dated Tony there is like this invisible aura around me that attracts Spanish-speakers...
anyway...
did our deep dive for class today.
100 feet!
its not that much different than 30, actually. except maybe how fast you can think. we did a little shape-in-the-hole test to show how much slower we are at that depth. 30 seconds to 1:19.
hmm.. and then we did our "peak performance buoyancy" dive. "swimming" through these underwater triangle things.
im pretty much spent for the day and its only noon. dont think i will be doing the afternoon trips.
yesterday we got to spend some time at the Prince Albert which is the sunken ship down there. that was rad. on Thursday we have another wreck dive, on a plane, and hopefully a night dive too. tomorrow: no required dives and i might just take the day off.
lunch time.
oh god.
haha.
i think ever since i dated Tony there is like this invisible aura around me that attracts Spanish-speakers...
anyway...
did our deep dive for class today.
100 feet!
its not that much different than 30, actually. except maybe how fast you can think. we did a little shape-in-the-hole test to show how much slower we are at that depth. 30 seconds to 1:19.
hmm.. and then we did our "peak performance buoyancy" dive. "swimming" through these underwater triangle things.
im pretty much spent for the day and its only noon. dont think i will be doing the afternoon trips.
yesterday we got to spend some time at the Prince Albert which is the sunken ship down there. that was rad. on Thursday we have another wreck dive, on a plane, and hopefully a night dive too. tomorrow: no required dives and i might just take the day off.
lunch time.
went on 3 dives today. a crack dive, then a wall dive this morning.
after lunch we had class and did our navigation dive. underwater compass work.
finished Bree's story after photographing some hummingbirds. both good things.
everyone here is incredibly kind. the food is amazing as well.
feel lonely. my family is all here. im just really distant right now...
after lunch we had class and did our navigation dive. underwater compass work.
finished Bree's story after photographing some hummingbirds. both good things.
everyone here is incredibly kind. the food is amazing as well.
feel lonely. my family is all here. im just really distant right now...
The Short Second Life of Bree Turner, Stephenie Meyer's novella about the character that appears briefly in Eclipse. I decided to read that before reading Breaking Dawn because it has more relevance where I am at in the story now. Started it today.
Second dive was so cool. Went down to 70 feet (on accident), saw an eel, and just got re-familiarized with what I am doing down there.
Second dive was so cool. Went down to 70 feet (on accident), saw an eel, and just got re-familiarized with what I am doing down there.
In a lot of ways it is very different here, but --in just enough ways to make me feel okay-- it is a bit like Peru. 1 is that I can still speak Spanish, with the cooks and most of the employees. Also, saw a tugtuk on the way through town. :) These things help me adjust. But as I was driving through town and saw all the signs in Spanish (even after only being in the states for a day and a half) I felt home again, and realized I probably will actually end up spending a good portion of my life in South and Central America. When I got back into the states I definately did not feel welcome. I guess that is how customs is set up, but for fucks sake, they could at least be civil, and maybe even smile. Or at the very least, not yell and treat you like you did something wrong. It pisses me off.
Oh well, just one more reason to gtfo of that country.
The first dive of the week was fun... once I felt comfortable breathing through a tube again. We saw a ship wreak that we get to explore more thoroughly later this week. Becca, Nathan and I are getting our Advanced Open Water certifications throughout this week.
Last night was rough. I thought I wasnt going to enjoy this family vacation at all. But then my family wanted to look at my pictures from Peru and hear stories, so that made me feel better. I miss Ben a lot. I miss classmates and teachers. I miss PSF.
Oh... the other day I texted Grey and apologized for last summer. He got back to me yesterday and said not to worry, so I hope he and I can be friends now.
I'm getting excited for NYSC, but also very anxious to be home. One thing at a time I guess. Its only a little over a month, anyway.
hmm... everyone at this dive resort is old...
hahah.
1 more dive today, and maybe some kayaking too.
Oh well, just one more reason to gtfo of that country.
The first dive of the week was fun... once I felt comfortable breathing through a tube again. We saw a ship wreak that we get to explore more thoroughly later this week. Becca, Nathan and I are getting our Advanced Open Water certifications throughout this week.
Last night was rough. I thought I wasnt going to enjoy this family vacation at all. But then my family wanted to look at my pictures from Peru and hear stories, so that made me feel better. I miss Ben a lot. I miss classmates and teachers. I miss PSF.
Oh... the other day I texted Grey and apologized for last summer. He got back to me yesterday and said not to worry, so I hope he and I can be friends now.
I'm getting excited for NYSC, but also very anxious to be home. One thing at a time I guess. Its only a little over a month, anyway.
hmm... everyone at this dive resort is old...
hahah.
1 more dive today, and maybe some kayaking too.
had to say goodbye to Ben this morning...
ugh.
Anyway, I am staying at the Hilton in Miami.
Culture shock anyone?!?
Last night Ben and I ordered pizza(!!!!) and ordered Alice in Wonderland from the hotel. That was nice.
Today I am very... shaken. or, i was this morning. once I dropped Ben off at the airport I took the shuttle back to the hotel and I just wanted to cry... very hard.
Everything was different. I was really physically alone for the first time in months... In a different state than anyone I knew, in a different country then I have been (and than I want to be) and I couldnt even recognize myself in the mirror for some reason...
I turned on the TV and watched some of the World Cup. I flipped between that and the MTV Movie Awards (from sometime this year, though I have no idea when). On that there was a clip for Eclipse. Then I remembered i still have about 5% (Kindle) left in the book. I read a bunch on one of the planes yesterday. I was sobbing... on the plane. haha. Ben was really concerned about me (my mental health I think more than anything).
Anyway, so I watched the Movie Awards. It was very... shocking. I havent heard that much cussing, or seen that much or people's bodies, or heard such vulger lyrics accompianied by extremely sexual dancing, for months as well. It was just like... "oh yea... this exists in the world."
anyway, i was just really emotional about everything that is going on right now. i mean... things are so different in what I am doing and seeing. the way my mind is working. the way i look. the way i feel. who i am with (or not). what i am about to do. the place i am staying. the state of friendships. i am just... baffled by it all.
not all in a bad (or good) way. just...
fuck
im overwhelmed. i am... terrified and sad and excited and angry and happy(er) and lonesome and jealous and trying to remember to live by the things i know and have learned.
i feel calmer. more confident. i feel like i dont need people as much anymore. i feel like i dont need much anymore.
and at the same time, i feel vulnerable. and weak. and lost.
argrg
i am at an internet place. I was walking around trying to find a way to the climbing gym but then i got caught in a storm. the only place i could go into was a pizza place so i went and ate. then i realized i was too far away to the gym to get to it without paying like $30 for a cab. so i was walking back to the hostel and found this place.
but ive been here for an hour and its like $4 an hour (which seems really expensive compared to what i am use to right now) so i am gonna go.
there are a bunch of movies at the hotel i could order and enjoy watching. and there arent very many places to walk to, but i think i will keep exploring.
i hope i find something fun to do for the rest of this weird day...
see my family tomorrow, which is... too good for words.
ugh.
Anyway, I am staying at the Hilton in Miami.
Culture shock anyone?!?
Last night Ben and I ordered pizza(!!!!) and ordered Alice in Wonderland from the hotel. That was nice.
Today I am very... shaken. or, i was this morning. once I dropped Ben off at the airport I took the shuttle back to the hotel and I just wanted to cry... very hard.
Everything was different. I was really physically alone for the first time in months... In a different state than anyone I knew, in a different country then I have been (and than I want to be) and I couldnt even recognize myself in the mirror for some reason...
I turned on the TV and watched some of the World Cup. I flipped between that and the MTV Movie Awards (from sometime this year, though I have no idea when). On that there was a clip for Eclipse. Then I remembered i still have about 5% (Kindle) left in the book. I read a bunch on one of the planes yesterday. I was sobbing... on the plane. haha. Ben was really concerned about me (my mental health I think more than anything).
Anyway, so I watched the Movie Awards. It was very... shocking. I havent heard that much cussing, or seen that much or people's bodies, or heard such vulger lyrics accompianied by extremely sexual dancing, for months as well. It was just like... "oh yea... this exists in the world."
anyway, i was just really emotional about everything that is going on right now. i mean... things are so different in what I am doing and seeing. the way my mind is working. the way i look. the way i feel. who i am with (or not). what i am about to do. the place i am staying. the state of friendships. i am just... baffled by it all.
not all in a bad (or good) way. just...
fuck
im overwhelmed. i am... terrified and sad and excited and angry and happy(er) and lonesome and jealous and trying to remember to live by the things i know and have learned.
i feel calmer. more confident. i feel like i dont need people as much anymore. i feel like i dont need much anymore.
and at the same time, i feel vulnerable. and weak. and lost.
argrg
i am at an internet place. I was walking around trying to find a way to the climbing gym but then i got caught in a storm. the only place i could go into was a pizza place so i went and ate. then i realized i was too far away to the gym to get to it without paying like $30 for a cab. so i was walking back to the hostel and found this place.
but ive been here for an hour and its like $4 an hour (which seems really expensive compared to what i am use to right now) so i am gonna go.
there are a bunch of movies at the hotel i could order and enjoy watching. and there arent very many places to walk to, but i think i will keep exploring.
i hope i find something fun to do for the rest of this weird day...
see my family tomorrow, which is... too good for words.
lots of emotions this morning as I watch the sunrise over Cuzco. But the most pressing, and the most important right now is how much I love this place.
Very few times has leaving a place been this hard.
I'm not gonna be in Peru anymore, and it doesn't seem real.
I'm gonna go sit on the porch with Ben, and cuddle, and watch for a bit.
Very few times has leaving a place been this hard.
I'm not gonna be in Peru anymore, and it doesn't seem real.
I'm gonna go sit on the porch with Ben, and cuddle, and watch for a bit.
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our
response lies our growth and freedom." - Viktor E. Franklin
my uncle David posted this on Facebook this morning. He is right.And today is beautiful.
And there is so much pain in my heart for the pains of the world, that there isn't much space for anger toward people I care about. So I choose forgiveness and understanding and love.
Eval was canceled today due to the roads to Pisac being blocked by demonstrators, so I am going back to the cemetery... one of my favorite places in Peru. I am going to write, and take pictures, and feel the power of death and life. I am going to enjoy being in this country that I love.
I can see the street out my hostal window. I think I remember the day I fell in love with the feelings I feel here, and it was while walking down this street.
reality
is just this
duality
of love and hate.
and as much as we create
we destroy.
is just this
duality
of love and hate.
and as much as we create
we destroy.
i'm really sorry.
i dont know what got into me.
i dont know what got into me.
i didnt know i had to be talented to be Staph at NYSC.
what the fuck am i gonna lead 1 seminar about, let alone 3?
i just dont know how i am supposed to set all of this up before camp...
i need to do W4, and medical forms, and sign things, and scan things...
i cant do it in Peru.
and i didnt even know about it until now
and its already past the due date.
maybe they will just revoke my employment and i can just come back to peru, drop out of school and forget the rest.
probably not...
so
I have to do my eval. my conference is tomorrow (in Pisac. wtf??)
and I have to reapply for the Writing Center, asap.
what the fuck am i gonna lead 1 seminar about, let alone 3?
i just dont know how i am supposed to set all of this up before camp...
i need to do W4, and medical forms, and sign things, and scan things...
i cant do it in Peru.
and i didnt even know about it until now
and its already past the due date.
maybe they will just revoke my employment and i can just come back to peru, drop out of school and forget the rest.
probably not...
so
I have to do my eval. my conference is tomorrow (in Pisac. wtf??)
and I have to reapply for the Writing Center, asap.
