i feel useless

i try really hard, but i just relentlessly fail at ... being happy.


i wish i could sleep. i can. but when i sleep i never want to wake up and that's just even more worthless.

im still severely depressed... how do i think peru is going to change anything? at least it will be temporary relief, but brought with another pain which is giving up my solid ground which i rely on much more than i could say. i hate it. i just want to be stronger, and be okay with myself, in myself, by myself. i know that is wrong. i know i can't exile myself completely and hope to fix anything.

its all a fuckin paradox.