everything you guys said, Becca and Mom, are great and true: I need to come home, regroup, learn, grovv, see family, ect ect. And I knovv that my ticket back to the states is important to honor at this point...
*big sigh*
...but
VVe had a volunteer meeting tonight and it made me realize that even if I can return, it is this stage in PSF´s development that I don´t vvant to miss. I mean, transformation is a huge and ongoing process but I feel my head and hands and heart vvould be so valuable and so invested and so important right novv. They already are invested. I am. Immensely.
So I knovv vvhat I have to do... or... vvhat I am going to end up doing, but it goes against my heart.
Not that I can change anything but if I could do it again, I vvould try to get my family to come to Peru for vacation instead of meeting in Honduras. Or I vvould go to Honduras and come back. I knovv I am going to love Science Camp, and I KNOVV I am not going to vvant to leave there either, but...
I vvas so afraid to leave Killoqua last summer. I vvas right about the feelings I vvas returning too. I feel that same fear again. It literally breaks my heart. I am coming back to some amazing people and places and things at home... and I vvant to believe as much as you do that I vvill be better novv, that I vvill come home and my optimism vvill endure.
I hate to say it...
I vvon´t say it, I just knovv it. Of course believing that so strongly might be vvhat makes it true, but I knovv nothing else to believe.
I believe it vvill be different in some respect, but I knovv vvhy here is better, and I knovv I can´t experience it there. The exact reasons vvhy here is good, is vvhy there is bad.
But since I am here vvhile I am, I vvill do my best to bask in this time of joy. For instance, today vvas amazing, and tonight continued to be just spectacular, and entertaining.
At the meeting one of the volunteers said they vvould donate s/100 to PSF if TBC fought Jason in a boxing match. TBC agreed to go through vvith it if, at that moment, they could raise s/1000 in donations from the people at the meeting. Needless to say, vve made it... easily. The fight is 2 vveeks from Friday, so vve are going to miss it. Hopefully someone makes a video... its almost too good to miss.
Ben thought of this brilliant idea tohelp PSF even vvhen vve are gone. To fundraise for PSF by getting donations from friends and family for running the Seattle Marathon. I am gonna jump on that one too... though probably just the half marathon. VVho vvants to donate??
Also, if I do really good in this building class, and learn more Spanish then I vvill have a lot of skills and resources to bring back to PSF. I just vvish I could be here and keep researching the building codes and structural systems and getting that hands-on experience too.
This is all sporadic. My mind is everyvvhere... I am so afraid, but also very anxious-excited to come back and to do all the other cool stuff I vvant to do in life. Please though... someone... someone make me read these posts again sometime later this year. If I lose sight of this, please don´t let me get so lost that I never come back.
Its late (past 10). And I vvant to be more functional than I vvas today. Plus I might be getting up early tomorrovv to take a boat vvith the local free diver-fishers here out in Paracas Bay instead of going on building site. Fun stuff.
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"Each Day" Blog by Alexandria Chana Eisenberg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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3 comments:
Alex . . . I can feel your fear and it feels very familiar. Think about this though . . . you have no preordained road map to follow in your life . . . no preconceived order in which 'things' need to be completed. Going to Peru is helping you to create your own personal life map, one that has never been written before since there is only one you. I deeply believe that we must follow these maps that are written upon our hearts . . . they are part of our destiny. You have found something in these places you have been that you have yearned for all your life . . . even grieved its absence despite not knowing what 'it' was. You knew yourself well enough to know that part of you was missing . . . no wonder you were so restless, so sad. I know it will be hard to leave, even for just a short while but take a moment to creatively consider your options and I know you will find that many doors are wide open to you. If you can acknowledge this myriad of possibilities, you will be free to embrace and enjoy the other adventures ahead of you which are also an integral part of the tapestry of your life. Take a deep breath and wallow in the being and the doing of where you are now. Think deeply and openly about what you want to do and where you want to be after you have fulfilled your summer commitments and then just make it happen. I believe in you and love you and will always help and support you. Call me sometime soon . . . I also always miss you ~ mom
PS . . . If you are here, let's do the Seattle event together. It is on November 28th and the course is awesome. I can't think of anyone I would rather run with or any better reason!
Poema de Alex
Your place is steadily becoming you
In a country that is so foreign to me,
but still there are moments
like today
when i swear i can see your face
as a person walks beyond me;
you walk through me
and my laugh is yours at times,
but no one knows this but me.
I grieve for all that they cannot know
as i scream your screams,
wipe my tears,
and smile crooked like you do
for you still exist here
but then i realize you were never here,
and it was only in myself you existed.
Then the faces,
the laughter,
screams of joy and excitement
and of pain and sorrow
are replaced like the seconds that precede this moment.
I do not know you,
i only knew you,
and it is the memory that persists;
permeating the moments without you.
But
i think i am starting to realize
there is no memory,
there are only shades of forgetting,
and i am forgetting you in everything i do
and every thing that surrounds me.
It is happening gradually
and it terrifies me,
but only in the fact that there is
some subtle comfort in it.
You are forgetting me too,
and if we both ever could know anything
i hope it should be that we know this.
And while your face
may one day become as foreign to me
as the place you are now,
this only ensures that the faces of others
may have parts of yours within them;
you are becoming everywhere for me
as i lose you
in a singular place.
Alex -
I can relate to you when you talk about not wanting to leave peru specifically now in the beginning stages of this project... That is exactly how I felt when I was forced to leave Tacoma and the Pathway, the church I was a part of planting. I know the feeling of being so connected to something that is just starting, wanting to stick around and be part of the foundations of something that you believe is great and will make an impact on so many lives. I know that ache of HAVING to leave.. and feeling like if you stayed you could do such much more. the feeling of having sooo much more to give, feeling like you really could play a major part in the start of something - but having no other choice but leaving.
The pathway has grown sooo much in the month and half that I have left - and my heart aches that I did not get to be apart of it. I feel a little left in the dust sometimes, and sometimes I have this feeling that they grew faster without me and all my hard work was kind of forgotten and useless. But i KNOW that isnt true when I really think about it, I did help build the foundations of this church, I was a part - big or small.. I played a part.
I think about it daily, and when I returned to tacoma last saturday I felt it even greater. I LONGED to return so that I could go help again... but I physically can not right now.. and the project goes on without me. If i ever return there will be work to do, but it will never be the rush and satisfying work that it was in the beginning stages... its different. It is hard to leave in the middle of something like that. To know that when you return, even if it is just a short time later - and it will be different.
BUT then I have to remind myself, thank GOODNESS it is growing without me. It is a reminder that they do not NEED me but they want me. As much as I can play an important role, it can and will grow and continue without me. How greaterful I am for that reality. That I can be sick, and come home... and the world doesnt stop spinning! I might never go back to Tacoma.. and if I do I might not be apart of the pathway - but no matter what I know I made an impact and no matter how small I WAS a part of starting something great... and I can be again.
just thought i would share my thoughts, and my feelings. not exactly the same situation.. but similar feelings.
You get to go from one adventure to another alex! completely different adventures.. but amazing things that will teach you about yourself - AND youll be working and getting money that will set you up for youor next adventure! I went from being apart of something new and exciting and setting the foundation to sitting at home on a couch, my adventure is resting... and it doesnt feel like much of an adventure at all, but im learning alot about myself, and growing alot- how is that not an adventure? I am a part of something big, I am building the foundations of something great right here, on the couch... by getting better.
im kind of rambeling. just sharing my heart. i love you alex.. :) -becs
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