I was going to post a quote I really like about how creating a "balance between exuberance and humility" is one of the keys to happiness. I can never remember the quote exactly, nor can I ever remember who said/wrote it. When I went to look for it tonight, the first thing that came up on Google sounded really familiar, and I thought I had found the quote. Turns out, what I had found was something I myself had written... something that I didn't even know was online. Kinda cool. (As goes the interwebs, this discovery led me from one thing to another until I was thoroughly distracted.)
After further exploration when I got back on track, I discovered the quote (really, it was more of an entire lecture...) was made by Vladi Chalupka, a University of Washington professor who's class I sat in with Matt when I visited him during our Freshmen year of college. Except, I hadn't heard the quote then. I heard it when Vladi spoke at Science Camp in West Virginia two summers ago. He's also apparently given the lecture at Evergreen too. (linkslinkslinks)
On a side note, Peter Mulvey has a song about drinking outside a bar, looking at the stars, and talking about the universe with Vladi, the astrophysicist from UW.
Now I miss camp (not terribly though, and I am still glad about my decision to not go this summer), and feel calmer... peaceful-er (ha) in general.
i donno
Its sick when people can't recognize themselves in the mirror.
Today the mirror is a movie. But it's not just a movie...
When is a story ever really just a story? We must be just too used to believing that they are.
I guess I thought I could handle watching something so incredibly disturbing and dark in a roomful of other people. I guess I thought other people cared about the same things I do.
But no. They don't. They didn't get it. They didn't even fucking get it. And they don't fucking care.
How someone could leave the theatre saying "there should have been more blood...I loved it but it wasn't bloody enough" after the story they just witnessed, is absolutely beyond me. It took everything I had not to lose it at those people in the hall on the way out. "Don't you see that what you are saying epitomizes everything the movie was criticizing?" If I could have said it so clearly at that point, I would have, but I was shaking and would have just started ranting and cussing and crying and being hysterical, so I kept it in. I kinda regret it though...
I mean, fuck.. they might as well have been sitting at the "Capital" watching the actual "hunger games" and saying "yea, it's entertaining, but I want to see more blood." Isn't that the whole point of the story? That we are so goddamned desensitized to violence and people's suffering that we turn it into a game?
Or a movie... not as a story we should draw insight and thought from (of course not), but as a fucking form of entertainment where we can mock ourselves mocking ourselves about being inhumane, disgusting, oblivious, and monstrous, and then turn around and be inhumane, disgusting, oblivious, and monstrous about it; treat it as just something we can enjoy and then even laugh about and say "there should have been more blood" even though we just watched 24 kids completely slaughter each other... FUCK THAT
Real or not, if you can leave after that smiling or complaining about the entertainment factor, you clearly missed the whole fucking point.
The story got its inspiration from somewhere... lets look around...
hmmm
It couldn't possibly be our culture and our wars and our video game violence, and our complete lack of regard for the well-being of the people who suffer in order for us to have it all, and our inability to any longer feel the full weight of violence and death. IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE THAT. or our collective unconsciousness that allows the paradox to continue (even in direct response to it being mirrored at us or shoved through our eyes and ears for 2 and half hours).
I mean, we aren't analyzing Shakespeare here people. Its pretty goddamned straightforward.
It's a good story, and yes, its entertaining... because its an fascinating portrayal of...reality. It hits the nail on the head. We're all just too fucking numb to realize it.
Mom said it best: "its hard to feel much of anything after watching that."
but it did hurt me and it fueled my anger, because as far as I'm concerned, it is real. We are already there. We are already being taken from our homes to kill other people, and we are called to appreciate this as our only way to maintain freedom. We are already being suppressed through fear-tactics and police violence and lies on the screens. We are already separated into districts: "third world" "first world," "homeless" "in poverty" "middle class" "rich/1%." We are already being exploited and exploiting other for resources in order to continue the possibility of lavish lifestyles. We already mock and get pleasure from other people's real-life hardships on reality television. We already.... on and on and on.
meh, maybe I'm getting too worked up about it. maybe I'm expecting too much of people. i feel better having gotten it out there though...
Today the mirror is a movie. But it's not just a movie...
When is a story ever really just a story? We must be just too used to believing that they are.
I guess I thought I could handle watching something so incredibly disturbing and dark in a roomful of other people. I guess I thought other people cared about the same things I do.
But no. They don't. They didn't get it. They didn't even fucking get it. And they don't fucking care.
How someone could leave the theatre saying "there should have been more blood...I loved it but it wasn't bloody enough" after the story they just witnessed, is absolutely beyond me. It took everything I had not to lose it at those people in the hall on the way out. "Don't you see that what you are saying epitomizes everything the movie was criticizing?" If I could have said it so clearly at that point, I would have, but I was shaking and would have just started ranting and cussing and crying and being hysterical, so I kept it in. I kinda regret it though...
I mean, fuck.. they might as well have been sitting at the "Capital" watching the actual "hunger games" and saying "yea, it's entertaining, but I want to see more blood." Isn't that the whole point of the story? That we are so goddamned desensitized to violence and people's suffering that we turn it into a game?
Or a movie... not as a story we should draw insight and thought from (of course not), but as a fucking form of entertainment where we can mock ourselves mocking ourselves about being inhumane, disgusting, oblivious, and monstrous, and then turn around and be inhumane, disgusting, oblivious, and monstrous about it; treat it as just something we can enjoy and then even laugh about and say "there should have been more blood" even though we just watched 24 kids completely slaughter each other... FUCK THAT
Real or not, if you can leave after that smiling or complaining about the entertainment factor, you clearly missed the whole fucking point.
The story got its inspiration from somewhere... lets look around...
hmmm
It couldn't possibly be our culture and our wars and our video game violence, and our complete lack of regard for the well-being of the people who suffer in order for us to have it all, and our inability to any longer feel the full weight of violence and death. IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE THAT. or our collective unconsciousness that allows the paradox to continue (even in direct response to it being mirrored at us or shoved through our eyes and ears for 2 and half hours).
I mean, we aren't analyzing Shakespeare here people. Its pretty goddamned straightforward.
It's a good story, and yes, its entertaining... because its an fascinating portrayal of...reality. It hits the nail on the head. We're all just too fucking numb to realize it.
Mom said it best: "its hard to feel much of anything after watching that."
but it did hurt me and it fueled my anger, because as far as I'm concerned, it is real. We are already there. We are already being taken from our homes to kill other people, and we are called to appreciate this as our only way to maintain freedom. We are already being suppressed through fear-tactics and police violence and lies on the screens. We are already separated into districts: "third world" "first world," "homeless" "in poverty" "middle class" "rich/1%." We are already being exploited and exploiting other for resources in order to continue the possibility of lavish lifestyles. We already mock and get pleasure from other people's real-life hardships on reality television. We already.... on and on and on.
meh, maybe I'm getting too worked up about it. maybe I'm expecting too much of people. i feel better having gotten it out there though...
"i feel walled-in. i pretend to know why, but i dont respond. i try. i am working inside to change myself, to feel more free. it must just been a state of thought... a state of mind. (i wish i could write what we talked about without feeling like an idiot. its so damn difficult for me to fee confident in saying what i have to say. i feel like everything i know is so rudimentary. and like its all something someone told me, and i dont know what to believe anymore.
im exhausted of being the person ive been being. i want to feel curious, energetic, alive, bold, joyful, fearless, daring, happy, interested, caring, loving, and on and on. i want to feel free. but i am terrified of freedom. i am scared of certainty and i am scared of uncertainty. i am terrified to explore new ways of being, but can't continue on like this. my thought process is that it might be better not to go to camp so i can dedicate energy to this self-discovery that desperately needs to happen. then i think "oh, maybe going to camp will remind me of things i'd forgotton about myself." maybe. maybe. but maybe i am just hiding in what is "safer" and "known." although i know there are parts of it that i genuinely dont want to go without, and there are people there i want to spend time with, and things there i want to do. but also parts that feel like a waste and parts that feel selfish, and parts that feel dreadful.
i want to feel strong but i dont.
i am terrified of changing. there are so many ways to be, and im afraid to choose. im afraid of not being able to go back. im afraid of not making the right choice. im afraid of regret. im afraid of the truth. im afraid of myself. im afraid of everyone else.
im afraid of time...not having enough. of having enough and wasting it. im afraid of what ie already lost. not just time but truth, reality, visions, values, pieces of myself. im afraid to lose more. to give more. i am afraid of my power... how much i have and the fact that i will never be able to give it all.
im afraid that i will never be able to do enough.
im afraid that i will get comfortable. im afraid of discomfort. im afraid of pain. im afraid of being numb to other people's pain. im afraid i'll forget or be forgotten. im afraid i'll never be loved the way i love or the way i want to be loved. im afraid of meaninglessness. im afraid of placing meaning on something that only i care about.
im afraid of the dark. of zombies. of corruption, anger, sadness, pain, loss, solitude, groups, being wrong, being right, interactions, comparisons, criticism, betrayal, change, stagnation, death, love.
i wonder if i will survive.
but of course i will....
what of all of this could end me before my time (unless i let it)?
but if i am so strong, as to be able to face these things then i will surely have to face them all, an that is daunting.
knowing this though, how do i let go of the uncertainty of everything? how do i enjoy while waiting to be sprung upon by my fears? (the same way i fall asleep each night, gladly, even facing the eminence of my frequent nightmares... thy are all adventures anyway and they are at the least good stories). i will practice now. i will embrace this ending and embrace the blank pages ahead, which will fill with questions, ideas, answers, and probably more lists of fears."
im exhausted of being the person ive been being. i want to feel curious, energetic, alive, bold, joyful, fearless, daring, happy, interested, caring, loving, and on and on. i want to feel free. but i am terrified of freedom. i am scared of certainty and i am scared of uncertainty. i am terrified to explore new ways of being, but can't continue on like this. my thought process is that it might be better not to go to camp so i can dedicate energy to this self-discovery that desperately needs to happen. then i think "oh, maybe going to camp will remind me of things i'd forgotton about myself." maybe. maybe. but maybe i am just hiding in what is "safer" and "known." although i know there are parts of it that i genuinely dont want to go without, and there are people there i want to spend time with, and things there i want to do. but also parts that feel like a waste and parts that feel selfish, and parts that feel dreadful.
i want to feel strong but i dont.
i am terrified of changing. there are so many ways to be, and im afraid to choose. im afraid of not being able to go back. im afraid of not making the right choice. im afraid of regret. im afraid of the truth. im afraid of myself. im afraid of everyone else.
im afraid of time...not having enough. of having enough and wasting it. im afraid of what ie already lost. not just time but truth, reality, visions, values, pieces of myself. im afraid to lose more. to give more. i am afraid of my power... how much i have and the fact that i will never be able to give it all.
im afraid that i will never be able to do enough.
im afraid that i will get comfortable. im afraid of discomfort. im afraid of pain. im afraid of being numb to other people's pain. im afraid i'll forget or be forgotten. im afraid i'll never be loved the way i love or the way i want to be loved. im afraid of meaninglessness. im afraid of placing meaning on something that only i care about.
im afraid of the dark. of zombies. of corruption, anger, sadness, pain, loss, solitude, groups, being wrong, being right, interactions, comparisons, criticism, betrayal, change, stagnation, death, love.
i wonder if i will survive.
but of course i will....
what of all of this could end me before my time (unless i let it)?
but if i am so strong, as to be able to face these things then i will surely have to face them all, an that is daunting.
knowing this though, how do i let go of the uncertainty of everything? how do i enjoy while waiting to be sprung upon by my fears? (the same way i fall asleep each night, gladly, even facing the eminence of my frequent nightmares... thy are all adventures anyway and they are at the least good stories). i will practice now. i will embrace this ending and embrace the blank pages ahead, which will fill with questions, ideas, answers, and probably more lists of fears."
that i can grow wings if i want to fly.
"To me it is clear that the way of life encouraged and imposed on people by the dominant institutions of our society (eg public schooling, media and advertising, the extractive capitalist economy) is in many vitally important ways contrary to our natures and our abilities to mature. We are conditioned to develop into parts of the technocratic machine that is the dominant, globalizing capitalist society, a society that professes to stand above nature, to have transcended nature and its messiness and beastliness. But to me this sense of dichotomous superiority is simply hubris, alienation, and unexamined pain. This is not to say that humanity is not a distinct form of life in nature, or that it doesn’t have some unique set of qualities, but that these very qualities can only find genuine expression if they are voiced form the ancestral home, the ground, the context of nature. To me, being whole must mean being an integral part of creation itself, that which has sprung from source: the earth, and further back, the unimaginable mystery of the cosmic womb of the universe. It is all continuous; there is no dichotomous break between the human and all else, except that which we perceive." -Cam
I finished my climbing project!
I smashed the tip! I got the ear! I climbed the V5! and it was awesome!
and on Tuesday, I gave a good presentation in Spanish, which was also a huge accomplishment for me.
and yesterday I danced harder than I ever have in my life, probably.
I smashed the tip! I got the ear! I climbed the V5! and it was awesome!
and on Tuesday, I gave a good presentation in Spanish, which was also a huge accomplishment for me.
and yesterday I danced harder than I ever have in my life, probably.
was full! (im hyper and sleep-deprived and have recently made a commitment to myself to stop taking myself so seriously--ya know, sometimes--and to be more of the goofball i am. so this could be interesante. let the ridiculosity begin! )
yesterday:
blah morning (except the sunny-crispness of the day)
yesterday:
blah morning (except the sunny-crispness of the day)
Went to the GIS lab to work on my map which was enjoyable enough, minus being inside. It got me super-stoked about valley farms/living in the valley and taking this project from theoretical to reality. Faarms, yea!
Went to work/(my job is awesome) and I met with a writer who I have a weekly appointment with at the center, which i love because she cares a lot, and is such a sweetheart. Then Curriculum Club with an awesome group of Cultivating Voice lovers.
Went to work/(my job is awesome) and I met with a writer who I have a weekly appointment with at the center, which i love because she cares a lot, and is such a sweetheart. Then Curriculum Club with an awesome group of Cultivating Voice lovers.
Woah. Then I skipped out for an hour and went to the Academic Fair -- my last one ever :(
(until i am a teacher at Evergreen that is)
Anywho, met some dope folks who are faculty and teaching sweet and current stuff. but now i can't decided between about 500 class. so that's good.
I went to one table about the Lights Out class and that teacher is awesome, and he basically said "I won't be teaching the class from the front of the room... all our learning is going to be collaborative and experimental. oh, and all our work might fail."
OKAY. sounds good...
then at another table I was transported into an alternative universe (one with a dark, artsy, New York feel) talking to this visiting faculty guy and his friend (who are twins in secret i think). their Academic Adviser-friend came over to chat about whatever, and looked at my list of classes and she was like "take this and this" (Senior Seminar and Lights Out). Artsy New York guy was like "whats that?" and she was like "its basically about how to survive the fucking apocalypse!" and in my head I thanked jesus and was like "bah! i love Evergreen!"
then i talked to people at other tables... like for the class i've been tryin to take for 4 years, and kinda sorta maybe lost interest in it, but i dunno. and also a class Civic Intelligence and Collective Action. Sounds bomb. its gonna be about Occupy and Co-ops (as far as I'm concerned at the moment, in this mindset). Those faculty had a lot to say and just kept talking even though I was due to be back in the center, so when i broke free i ran from the CRC to upper campus and made it just in time for my appointment. did my thang, left the center, and booked it back to the CRC for an hour of climbing, which turned into an hour and a half cause it was... epic.
first of all, when i got there Ty said he had a present for me. it was a card which said "May the odds be ever in your favor" and inside it was was a brass/bronze? replica of the Mockingjay pin from Hunger Games... WHAT? I flipped out and kinda jumped all over the place and then was pumped to climb. They named Eric's V5 (aka my project of three weeks that I bousta finish) "Smashing Tip" to... uhh... taunt/motivate me and make me laugh i guess. I the next couple moves on it which i'd been struggling with. yea, it felt amazing.
finally i pulled myself away from climbing to go downstairs to the Evergreen Dance Coop freewave. basically it was just a giant PENDULUM DANCE PARTY YO. and i was totally high from it afterwards so i went to look at the moon and wait for Cam.
the moon and the trees scene was like my vision i had when i was crying the other night from my breakdown. it was superbonita and cool.
(until i am a teacher at Evergreen that is)
Anywho, met some dope folks who are faculty and teaching sweet and current stuff. but now i can't decided between about 500 class. so that's good.
I went to one table about the Lights Out class and that teacher is awesome, and he basically said "I won't be teaching the class from the front of the room... all our learning is going to be collaborative and experimental. oh, and all our work might fail."
OKAY. sounds good...
then at another table I was transported into an alternative universe (one with a dark, artsy, New York feel) talking to this visiting faculty guy and his friend (who are twins in secret i think). their Academic Adviser-friend came over to chat about whatever, and looked at my list of classes and she was like "take this and this" (Senior Seminar and Lights Out). Artsy New York guy was like "whats that?" and she was like "its basically about how to survive the fucking apocalypse!" and in my head I thanked jesus and was like "bah! i love Evergreen!"
then i talked to people at other tables... like for the class i've been tryin to take for 4 years, and kinda sorta maybe lost interest in it, but i dunno. and also a class Civic Intelligence and Collective Action. Sounds bomb. its gonna be about Occupy and Co-ops (as far as I'm concerned at the moment, in this mindset). Those faculty had a lot to say and just kept talking even though I was due to be back in the center, so when i broke free i ran from the CRC to upper campus and made it just in time for my appointment. did my thang, left the center, and booked it back to the CRC for an hour of climbing, which turned into an hour and a half cause it was... epic.
first of all, when i got there Ty said he had a present for me. it was a card which said "May the odds be ever in your favor" and inside it was was a brass/bronze? replica of the Mockingjay pin from Hunger Games... WHAT? I flipped out and kinda jumped all over the place and then was pumped to climb. They named Eric's V5 (aka my project of three weeks that I bousta finish) "Smashing Tip" to... uhh... taunt/motivate me and make me laugh i guess. I the next couple moves on it which i'd been struggling with. yea, it felt amazing.
finally i pulled myself away from climbing to go downstairs to the Evergreen Dance Coop freewave. basically it was just a giant PENDULUM DANCE PARTY YO. and i was totally high from it afterwards so i went to look at the moon and wait for Cam.
the moon and the trees scene was like my vision i had when i was crying the other night from my breakdown. it was superbonita and cool.
Cam and I had an amazing snack dinner (snacks being quinoa, carrots, broccoli, hummus, apples, peanut butter, and oreos). we had a great convo about classes, and then he played guitar for a bit. lovelyly.
that's the end of the outline i wrote for this blog last night while listening to Cam play, so that's all folks!
... until TODAY, when i went back into the climbing gym determined to "smash some tip" so to speak.
and I DID IT!
all but the last move...the ear... but that's waiting for another day i guess.
in any case, its the hardest route I've ever done, and I got the second half (minus the ear) and then, when i was fresher and tried it again I put it all together (minus the ear). i was up there, so hyper aware and just coursing with adrenaline because it was pretty bad-ass, if i do say so myself.
and now... after a whole day of successfully blowing off my homework, i shower and sleep.
that's the end of the outline i wrote for this blog last night while listening to Cam play, so that's all folks!
... until TODAY, when i went back into the climbing gym determined to "smash some tip" so to speak.
and I DID IT!
all but the last move...the ear... but that's waiting for another day i guess.
in any case, its the hardest route I've ever done, and I got the second half (minus the ear) and then, when i was fresher and tried it again I put it all together (minus the ear). i was up there, so hyper aware and just coursing with adrenaline because it was pretty bad-ass, if i do say so myself.
and now... after a whole day of successfully blowing off my homework, i shower and sleep.
i feel like i live in too many different realities...
I'm tired and scared.
I'm tired and scared.
My self at camp sent me a letter which I got, forwarded through my cabin leader, and my mom, and finally, to me today:
Dear Alex, Since I have to write this quickly I am going to talk about about what I've been feeling lately and why it is so important to hold on to that. "Happy" is the feeling, and not just happy, but grateful for, and in awe of, life. I think love is what did this to me. Right now I am blissfully in love with Cameron. This has changed me in so many ways, but it has also helped me bring forth things in me that were buried. Curiosity and mystery have been key components of my life, but seeing and sharing wonder with him has truly replenished my source of it. Forgiveness and patience were things I knew, but this relationship has tested them to their limits and revealed the beauty of being open to the ways of the world. Love. I have always believed in love, but trusting mystery and enduring the difficulty of forgiveness, I have been able to witness its true power. What I want you to remember is this: There is not enough time to do all I want to do, but there is time to do much, grow significantly, change the world. But you have to harness every moment. You have to say yes to things that are difficult and scary. You have to continue to love and forgive and live in the reality and mystery and wonder of what is, and believe in the possibility of what can be. And trust. Make it happen. Let it happen... I am out of time. These are snippets of my thoughts. A message to the future. Hope it helps <3 Alex
Dear Alex, Since I have to write this quickly I am going to talk about about what I've been feeling lately and why it is so important to hold on to that. "Happy" is the feeling, and not just happy, but grateful for, and in awe of, life. I think love is what did this to me. Right now I am blissfully in love with Cameron. This has changed me in so many ways, but it has also helped me bring forth things in me that were buried. Curiosity and mystery have been key components of my life, but seeing and sharing wonder with him has truly replenished my source of it. Forgiveness and patience were things I knew, but this relationship has tested them to their limits and revealed the beauty of being open to the ways of the world. Love. I have always believed in love, but trusting mystery and enduring the difficulty of forgiveness, I have been able to witness its true power. What I want you to remember is this: There is not enough time to do all I want to do, but there is time to do much, grow significantly, change the world. But you have to harness every moment. You have to say yes to things that are difficult and scary. You have to continue to love and forgive and live in the reality and mystery and wonder of what is, and believe in the possibility of what can be. And trust. Make it happen. Let it happen... I am out of time. These are snippets of my thoughts. A message to the future. Hope it helps <3 Alex
Being a part of this show is the best thing I've done for myself in a LONG time. It's grounding for me, cathartic ... and ... wild. I haven't been around this many girls (only girls) I think ever. It's pretty incredible. And its kinda... alchemical: that energy coming together with the other things that have been brewing inside me. Something new is starting.
yumm.. Oyster mushrooms I grew. It was a kit, so growing them wasn't difficult, but I am still proud! I have to admit, they are kinda like friends to me...made my room less lonely. :)
"Bring on the snow, and the wind. Let's make a new world, again."
"Sometimes it is good to step back from too many words, and simply live into a new phase of one’s life as directly as possible"
dreams
Gaby and Olivia
friends killing blue whales
cats keep on getting smushed
sailing
Kirsten
Gaby and Olivia
friends killing blue whales
cats keep on getting smushed
sailing
Kirsten
have the best timing. Just the other day I was thinking about one of the nightly readings Kaleigh did at camp this year. I was thinking of a particular one, but also in general that it would be nice to have one of those inspirational reminders about life, and what it can be if we don't get bogged down by all the pressure we face all the time. I guess I haven't checked my email for a while, but she sent a message on the 30th to everyone from Cabin 5, and I found it tonight. She said:
Here's your reading. It's from The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, who is one of my heroes (though he hates when people say that about him).
"For tonight's topic, I wanted to talk about new starts and resolutions. It's traditional, as the new year begins, for people to make resolutions about how they want to change or things they want to accomplish in the new year.
[...]
I want to encourage and challenge y'all to find what you love and keep at it, whether it's a school subject, a hobby, or a relationship. Find your passion and resolve to pursue it. As one of my favorite quotes points out, 'don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.'
[...]
I want to encourage and challenge y'all to find what you love and keep at it, whether it's a school subject, a hobby, or a relationship. Find your passion and resolve to pursue it. As one of my favorite quotes points out, 'don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.'
[...]
Love,
Kaleigh
PA '06, Cabin 5 Mama '11
Here's your reading. It's from The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, who is one of my heroes (though he hates when people say that about him).
'I fell in love with the Home for the Destitute and Dying and spent most days there. I helped folks eat, massaged muscles, gave baths, and basically tried to spoil people who really deserved it. Each day, folks would die, and each day, we would go out onto the streets and bring in new people. The goal was not to keep people alive (we had very few supplies for doing that) but to allow people to die with dignity, with someone loving them, singing, laughing, so they were not alone. Sometimes folks with medical training would come by and be overwhelmed with frustration because we has so few medical supplies, and the sisters would hastily explain that our mission was not to prolong life but to help people die well. As Mother Teresa would say (telling the old story about throwing starfish back into the ocean even though they continue to line the beach in thousands), "We are called not to be successful but to be faithful." That sounds good, but it was the beginning of my years of struggle with the tension between efficiency and faithfulness. I remembered Gandhi's saying that what we are doing may seem insignificant, but it is most important that we do it. So we did.
While the temptation to do great things is always before us, in Khalighat I learned the discipline of doing small things with great deliberation. Mother Teresa used to say, "We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it.' "
I needed that so bad... to be reminded of that idea of "coming alive," and the challenge of finding what that means for me. I was crying on the phone to Cam today, about how indecisive I've been about next quarter, and lethargic I've felt and how much I've been sleeping. His response was: "well, if you were a bear all you would be doing right now is sleeping." I like that. It made me laugh. And it also makes me think about what it means to be alive. For a tree it means something different than a bear, but they are both fully alive, fulfilling their purposes as living creatures. Even if that just means sleeping to survive the winter; even if it just means growing taller every year.
For humans being alive I guess can mean all sorts of things too, but it gets all complicated because we have so much freedom to choose what that means and so many of us end up feeling dead while we're still breathing. The bears don't have that freedom though, and I guess that's what I've been struggling with is that... I don't have enough constraints, I have so many choices and it seems to me that the best designs usually come from a response to a prompt or some sort of structure. I mean that is a huge generalization, but it seems true. So how am I supposed to design a good life if I can do and be anything cause I want to do and be everything(there is so much that makes me come alive!) so I end up just spreading myself thin over everything and there isn't enough of me to sink in deep enough in a particular spot to do anything meaningful. and then I feel deadened...and exhausted and I eat too much and I can't get my ass out of bed at a decent time. which makes me worry that if I'm not doing enough this quarter then I will keep sleeping in and won't have time or energy or motivation to do anything and... damn, this is circular! but this is where my brain is getting stuck. and i haven't written for a long time (even in my journal) because i can't keep up with all this junk going on in there.
but anyway, back to the email from Kaleigh: it helped to know that other people are struggling with what I have been: "the temptation to do great things." man, i love how it is framed as a temptation... a distraction almost. like there are so many wonderful things that we could be doing everyday to make the world better for the people immediately surrounding us, but we get so caught up in these big schemes that we don't have energy left for the people we interact with face to face all the time. its like that Wendell Berry quote:
"no matter how much one may love the world as a whole, one can live fully in it only by living responsibly in one small part of it."
i want to do that. but what part? and how?
"we are not called to be successful, but to be faithful."
that...hits me hard. what a beautiful thought.
okay, i could keep writing, but its almost 2 and I need to pack for Oly.
(there ya go Cam... blog=occupied!)
I needed that so bad... to be reminded of that idea of "coming alive," and the challenge of finding what that means for me. I was crying on the phone to Cam today, about how indecisive I've been about next quarter, and lethargic I've felt and how much I've been sleeping. His response was: "well, if you were a bear all you would be doing right now is sleeping." I like that. It made me laugh. And it also makes me think about what it means to be alive. For a tree it means something different than a bear, but they are both fully alive, fulfilling their purposes as living creatures. Even if that just means sleeping to survive the winter; even if it just means growing taller every year.
For humans being alive I guess can mean all sorts of things too, but it gets all complicated because we have so much freedom to choose what that means and so many of us end up feeling dead while we're still breathing. The bears don't have that freedom though, and I guess that's what I've been struggling with is that... I don't have enough constraints, I have so many choices and it seems to me that the best designs usually come from a response to a prompt or some sort of structure. I mean that is a huge generalization, but it seems true. So how am I supposed to design a good life if I can do and be anything cause I want to do and be everything(there is so much that makes me come alive!) so I end up just spreading myself thin over everything and there isn't enough of me to sink in deep enough in a particular spot to do anything meaningful. and then I feel deadened...and exhausted and I eat too much and I can't get my ass out of bed at a decent time. which makes me worry that if I'm not doing enough this quarter then I will keep sleeping in and won't have time or energy or motivation to do anything and... damn, this is circular! but this is where my brain is getting stuck. and i haven't written for a long time (even in my journal) because i can't keep up with all this junk going on in there.
but anyway, back to the email from Kaleigh: it helped to know that other people are struggling with what I have been: "the temptation to do great things." man, i love how it is framed as a temptation... a distraction almost. like there are so many wonderful things that we could be doing everyday to make the world better for the people immediately surrounding us, but we get so caught up in these big schemes that we don't have energy left for the people we interact with face to face all the time. its like that Wendell Berry quote:
"no matter how much one may love the world as a whole, one can live fully in it only by living responsibly in one small part of it."
i want to do that. but what part? and how?
"we are not called to be successful, but to be faithful."
that...hits me hard. what a beautiful thought.
okay, i could keep writing, but its almost 2 and I need to pack for Oly.
(there ya go Cam... blog=occupied!)
"Occupy Love will be a moving, transformative feature documentary that asks the question: how are the economic and ecological crises we are facing today a great love story?"
http://www.indiegogo.com/Occupy-Love
http://www.indiegogo.com/Occupy-Love
"Love is the felt experience of connection to another being. An economist says 'more for you is less for me.' But the lover knows that more of you is more for me too. If you love somebody their happiness is your happiness. Their pain is your pain. Your sense of self expands to include other beings. That's love, love is the expansion of the self to include the other. And that's a different kind of revolution. There's no one to fight. There's no evil to fight. There's no other in this revolution."
~ Charles Eisenstein
~ Charles Eisenstein
