Alex bought a huge sketch book today!??!
Alex has been DRAWING every day for the past 3 days?!
Oh, and Tony Danger Coiro has officially gone viral!
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2010/09/30/purdue_student_turns_old_suzuki_into_solar_ride/
1 Comments
Happy 19th birthday Becca!
We had a surprise party for her, and I think she had a really good day.
I head back to Oly tomorrow. Im so ready to get going with school again. So ready to be out of the house. And so not. I hate splitting up my life. I hate leaving my family. But I love school so much. I love going to Evergreen. I love ridiculousness with the girls, climbing with the guys, tutoring, being on campus, doing stuff in the city. I am so freaking stoked for the school year. But the leaving part sucks. I am really not stoked to say goodbye to my mom tomorrow.
Anyway,
blah blah blah
whine whine whine.
And its only an hour drive home, or 2 hour bus ride to Seattle, and Skype is free. So yeeeeeea.
But girly hormones suck today, and I'm exhausted, so I'm fitty and oversensitive and angry.
Oh, but Mocha cuddled with me today. That hasn't happened for a very long time and it made me smile. :)
We had a surprise party for her, and I think she had a really good day.
I head back to Oly tomorrow. Im so ready to get going with school again. So ready to be out of the house. And so not. I hate splitting up my life. I hate leaving my family. But I love school so much. I love going to Evergreen. I love ridiculousness with the girls, climbing with the guys, tutoring, being on campus, doing stuff in the city. I am so freaking stoked for the school year. But the leaving part sucks. I am really not stoked to say goodbye to my mom tomorrow.
Anyway,
blah blah blah
whine whine whine.
And its only an hour drive home, or 2 hour bus ride to Seattle, and Skype is free. So yeeeeeea.
But girly hormones suck today, and I'm exhausted, so I'm fitty and oversensitive and angry.
Oh, but Mocha cuddled with me today. That hasn't happened for a very long time and it made me smile. :)
Music I'm feeling today:
Kurt Cobain - About a Girl
David Bowie - Rebel Rebel
Random things:
This morning I was singing (way out of my range, but I had the house to myself so I decided to go for it) and after a while it felt as though my voice was stronger. Maybe I was just warmed up? Anyway, it was nice to sing. But it actually made me feel kinda sick...
The other day, Mom and I were driving into Seattle listening to the radio and a Jack Johnson song was playing. Then suddenly it started skipping. Not really like a CD does, more like a broken record, and it played this one line over and over and over and over. The DJ obviously wasn't paying attention cause it just kept going until we couldn't handle waiting anymore and decided to change the channel.
Also, a couple of days ago Mom and I went climbing at the feature in NB (I seriously need to come up with a nick name for that thing) and it was literally one of the best climbing days of my life. I feel like I just had a lot of power in my body, and control over my moves. Honestly, I am going to have to credit Daft Punk's Alive for some of that. Damn, that is good climbing music. Anything like that: Daft Punk, some of deadmau5's more upbeat stuff, Pendulum (Tempest, The Island), ect.; things that make me really wanna move all work. And I use to climb (and snowboard) to Jack Johnson because it is so relaxing. But right now I feel like my body gets tired out really easy unless I keep the adrenalin going, which "house/electronic" music does for me. So yea, later that day at the wall I saw Christi. We had also run into each other at the local music thing Tony and Dana played at. Although we talked there I had no idea she was a climber but I was super excited when I saw her. Mom was done climbing so Christi and I exchanged techniques and routes for a while. She showed me how to go over the arch! And I showed her some things I was working on. We seem to be climbing at a similar level. Wish she was going to Evergreen or something cause even though its good to be pushed by climbing with the guys and, it is nice to be able to share skills too, and know something that someone else doesn't. I think its been helping to work with my mom, that way. She wants me to explain how I would do a certain move and it makes me think about it more explicitly and break down my movements, as well as focus on how my individual limbs are moving. I hadn't realized how natural some things had started to feel.
I've been going to lots of book stores lately and the three sections I could live in are Climbing, Vegetarian Cooking, and Architecture/Appropriate Technology/DIY.
Two of my school books have come in the mail! They are so cool. I don't think I have ever been so stoked for a class/school as I am right now. Or as nervous. BUT I hung out with Matt the other day and we went to Schezuan (where I cheated on my Vegi-ness), and we went to a book store (naturally, as I was obsessing about books), and then he showed me how to do a perspective drawing. I had to do one, and it was super frustrating, but I learned so much!
And now
I am being ridiculous and listening to Enrique Iglesias.
Bah,
I am tired and hungry. Thanks for reading these sporadic things I wanted to type out.
Kurt Cobain - About a Girl
David Bowie - Rebel Rebel
Random things:
This morning I was singing (way out of my range, but I had the house to myself so I decided to go for it) and after a while it felt as though my voice was stronger. Maybe I was just warmed up? Anyway, it was nice to sing. But it actually made me feel kinda sick...
The other day, Mom and I were driving into Seattle listening to the radio and a Jack Johnson song was playing. Then suddenly it started skipping. Not really like a CD does, more like a broken record, and it played this one line over and over and over and over. The DJ obviously wasn't paying attention cause it just kept going until we couldn't handle waiting anymore and decided to change the channel.
Also, a couple of days ago Mom and I went climbing at the feature in NB (I seriously need to come up with a nick name for that thing) and it was literally one of the best climbing days of my life. I feel like I just had a lot of power in my body, and control over my moves. Honestly, I am going to have to credit Daft Punk's Alive for some of that. Damn, that is good climbing music. Anything like that: Daft Punk, some of deadmau5's more upbeat stuff, Pendulum (Tempest, The Island), ect.; things that make me really wanna move all work. And I use to climb (and snowboard) to Jack Johnson because it is so relaxing. But right now I feel like my body gets tired out really easy unless I keep the adrenalin going, which "house/electronic" music does for me. So yea, later that day at the wall I saw Christi. We had also run into each other at the local music thing Tony and Dana played at. Although we talked there I had no idea she was a climber but I was super excited when I saw her. Mom was done climbing so Christi and I exchanged techniques and routes for a while. She showed me how to go over the arch! And I showed her some things I was working on. We seem to be climbing at a similar level. Wish she was going to Evergreen or something cause even though its good to be pushed by climbing with the guys and, it is nice to be able to share skills too, and know something that someone else doesn't. I think its been helping to work with my mom, that way. She wants me to explain how I would do a certain move and it makes me think about it more explicitly and break down my movements, as well as focus on how my individual limbs are moving. I hadn't realized how natural some things had started to feel.
I've been going to lots of book stores lately and the three sections I could live in are Climbing, Vegetarian Cooking, and Architecture/Appropriate Technology/DIY.
Two of my school books have come in the mail! They are so cool. I don't think I have ever been so stoked for a class/school as I am right now. Or as nervous. BUT I hung out with Matt the other day and we went to Schezuan (where I cheated on my Vegi-ness), and we went to a book store (naturally, as I was obsessing about books), and then he showed me how to do a perspective drawing. I had to do one, and it was super frustrating, but I learned so much!
And now
I am being ridiculous and listening to Enrique Iglesias.
Bah,
I am tired and hungry. Thanks for reading these sporadic things I wanted to type out.
I'm anxious to get back to school,
but I really don't want to leave my family again.
:/
but I really don't want to leave my family again.
:/
I can't not cry for this.
What would drive someone to cut their life short?
I do not need to ask that question, for the answer is a scar on my heart.
Scars on the skin seem to fade, but are more likely, perhaps, absorbed by the body.
Physically inflicted or emotionally, they are there.
One that says love.
One that says hate.
One that says hell.
Another is a box; a personal hell; a prison of this body and mind, of this community, of this society, of this race, of this world, of the nature of life, of everything to love and hate.
We can't just look at each other to see these scars, not unless they are displayed in bloody scars on our arms for the world to see. We hide them under clothes, through smiles and lies, in our hearts. We store them up and then we snap. Some of us do. Others fight internally for years and finally break through to something better. And others still wallow and submit themselves to the pain, and find simple pleasures that relieve just enough of the pressure to be able to fake a smile for another day. I bet many people do this without even realizing it.
I have another entry in my journal that I would like to accompany this post, but I don't think I am quite ready for the world to see it. When I am, I think that will be a huge step in my healing, but I don't think that day is today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I still have a lot more to say.
Sometimes I worry that my anger and sadness will always be more powerful than my inspiration and joy. The past few nights I have been struggling as I did for so many nights. I don't know what it is about turning off the lights and crawling into bed but its where I feel the most vulnerable to my depression, and where I always worry I am going to be consumed by it again. I stay up late to put it off because of this fear. But today, even though I am angry and sad about Cody's death and the potential/probable causes of his choice to hang himself, I also feel motivation to attack those causes in order to prevent the same in the future. And I have repeated this so many time in different ways recently, so, no need to over-explain it again. I am one who has began to break through to something else.
I was going to talk about Mount Si High School's influence on the happiness of their students, but that is another huge debate that I don't have the braincells to form a proper argument about at the moment. If you are interested at another time, I would be happy to.
Media, social standards, ect. Most, I think, would argue that this has a huge influence. Of course it varies depending on exposure, individual impressionability, ect. but it does bother me quite a bit. I went to a mall today. My sister and mom were going and I wanted to spend time with them and get out of the house a bit. Malls and I don't really get along, but I think I was decent today (didn't go around acting like a drunken vagabond this time... 10 points?). It was an experience to be in such a place. Hundreds of shops selling 10 of each of... every in-season fashion item a person could dream up, kiosks with all the accessories for iPhones that no one really needs, hurricane simulators...
wait... back up... hurricane simulators?!?! REALLY!?! Ok, that pisses me off. "Experience a phony, completely desensitized, version of what happened in New Orleans for the low price of 8 quarters!"
FUCK.
THAT.
Moving on...
The most interesting thing is the people though. I try really hard not to judge people just because they are in a mall or something like that. I'm in a mall too, maybe they were dragged there too. But seriously, I don't want to single out people and be like "what a tool." That's the opposite. Mainly I just look at the collective whole of people trying to find the sexiest thing to wear to the club, or the right perfume to match this jewelry to match this outfit to go to the opera, and I think "I really hope they don't think this is a necessity of life, or that the worst thing in the world is to not be up with the fashion trends." I really just worry for people that they have been sucked into this consumer society thinking their lives won't be complete without these things, without looking "perfect" for everyone all the time, without looking like the Hollister models. And yet, for some people, that is exactly what they think. And that is A LOT OF FUCKING PRESSURE to add to the pressure of getting perfect letter grades, to get into the perfect college, to get more important letter grades, to get a perfect job, in order to keep buying all this shit so as to maintain self-esteem, and find happiness. Its might seem like a roundabout conclusion, but too me it seems historically and presently proven that our consumer society is huge, concrete foundation of unhappiness, displeasure in oneself, constant discontent, ridicule, ect.
There are other standards, besides product consumption that add to the pressure. Rigid and discriminating religious standards, for one. Its impossible to know how many suicides are due to teenagers who feel too threatened or uncomfortable revealing their sexual orientation to the world. Or even to their own parents because they had been raised to believe that gay people are sick and wrong. I can imagine the thought process that "if my parents arent going to accept me for who I am, who will?" Also there are teens who are pressured by their parents to be athletic AND get good grades AND be model citizens AND dress a certain way AND believe certain things AND never get a chance to make decisions for themselves...
maybe they do it with grace and dignity on the outside, and maybe some are thankful to their parents about this. But certainly there are many who feel that if they fail, then they are a complete failure.
We have standards about marriage and careers and family and what a happy life is supposed to look like... and (talk about indoctrination, MSHS parents) its all a fucking joke. Divorce rates, adult suicide rates, the percentages of adults on anti-depressants?! This is what our happiness looks like.
Arg, there is so much to say and I'm getting all scatter-brained and anxious. I got so tangent-y but I just want more people to see the idiocracy of it; the malfunction and harm of this social system of expectation --of appearance, of status, of life-style; that it could drive people to inflict physical pain on themselves, or take their own lives.
These are some of my scars, bleeding for the world to see.
I don't know what Cody's were, but when he was in a coma I sent him a facebook message inviting him to share them with me when he got better...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The happiest times of my life have been when I found people with whom I could relate on a deeper level, but I'd have never found that without making myself vulnerable and sharing some of my internal pain (that wasn't always obvious) with them. My life has many times been saved by doing this, and I like to believe I have saved others in a similar vein. My deepest scars have also been a result of this vulnerability, on top of social, academic, athletic, and other pressures. Sharing yourself so completely with another person can almost never end without some amount pain, but unlike many other causes of hurt, I find there is often an equal measure of unprecedented joy through the affirmation of self that accompanies these moments of complete honesty with another soul.
"We must be open books,
to find those nooks in ourselves
and others,
that hold the secrets to happiness and truth."
That's what I am starting to believe anyway, which is why even though these things are very personal to me, and I am afraid to share them with you, I need to do it.
What would drive someone to cut their life short?
I do not need to ask that question, for the answer is a scar on my heart.
Scars on the skin seem to fade, but are more likely, perhaps, absorbed by the body.
Physically inflicted or emotionally, they are there.
One that says love.
One that says hate.
One that says hell.
Another is a box; a personal hell; a prison of this body and mind, of this community, of this society, of this race, of this world, of the nature of life, of everything to love and hate.
We can't just look at each other to see these scars, not unless they are displayed in bloody scars on our arms for the world to see. We hide them under clothes, through smiles and lies, in our hearts. We store them up and then we snap. Some of us do. Others fight internally for years and finally break through to something better. And others still wallow and submit themselves to the pain, and find simple pleasures that relieve just enough of the pressure to be able to fake a smile for another day. I bet many people do this without even realizing it.
I have another entry in my journal that I would like to accompany this post, but I don't think I am quite ready for the world to see it. When I am, I think that will be a huge step in my healing, but I don't think that day is today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I still have a lot more to say.
Sometimes I worry that my anger and sadness will always be more powerful than my inspiration and joy. The past few nights I have been struggling as I did for so many nights. I don't know what it is about turning off the lights and crawling into bed but its where I feel the most vulnerable to my depression, and where I always worry I am going to be consumed by it again. I stay up late to put it off because of this fear. But today, even though I am angry and sad about Cody's death and the potential/probable causes of his choice to hang himself, I also feel motivation to attack those causes in order to prevent the same in the future. And I have repeated this so many time in different ways recently, so, no need to over-explain it again. I am one who has began to break through to something else.
I was going to talk about Mount Si High School's influence on the happiness of their students, but that is another huge debate that I don't have the braincells to form a proper argument about at the moment. If you are interested at another time, I would be happy to.
Media, social standards, ect. Most, I think, would argue that this has a huge influence. Of course it varies depending on exposure, individual impressionability, ect. but it does bother me quite a bit. I went to a mall today. My sister and mom were going and I wanted to spend time with them and get out of the house a bit. Malls and I don't really get along, but I think I was decent today (didn't go around acting like a drunken vagabond this time... 10 points?). It was an experience to be in such a place. Hundreds of shops selling 10 of each of... every in-season fashion item a person could dream up, kiosks with all the accessories for iPhones that no one really needs, hurricane simulators...
wait... back up... hurricane simulators?!?! REALLY!?! Ok, that pisses me off. "Experience a phony, completely desensitized, version of what happened in New Orleans for the low price of 8 quarters!"
FUCK.
THAT.
Moving on...
The most interesting thing is the people though. I try really hard not to judge people just because they are in a mall or something like that. I'm in a mall too, maybe they were dragged there too. But seriously, I don't want to single out people and be like "what a tool." That's the opposite. Mainly I just look at the collective whole of people trying to find the sexiest thing to wear to the club, or the right perfume to match this jewelry to match this outfit to go to the opera, and I think "I really hope they don't think this is a necessity of life, or that the worst thing in the world is to not be up with the fashion trends." I really just worry for people that they have been sucked into this consumer society thinking their lives won't be complete without these things, without looking "perfect" for everyone all the time, without looking like the Hollister models. And yet, for some people, that is exactly what they think. And that is A LOT OF FUCKING PRESSURE to add to the pressure of getting perfect letter grades, to get into the perfect college, to get more important letter grades, to get a perfect job, in order to keep buying all this shit so as to maintain self-esteem, and find happiness. Its might seem like a roundabout conclusion, but too me it seems historically and presently proven that our consumer society is huge, concrete foundation of unhappiness, displeasure in oneself, constant discontent, ridicule, ect.
There are other standards, besides product consumption that add to the pressure. Rigid and discriminating religious standards, for one. Its impossible to know how many suicides are due to teenagers who feel too threatened or uncomfortable revealing their sexual orientation to the world. Or even to their own parents because they had been raised to believe that gay people are sick and wrong. I can imagine the thought process that "if my parents arent going to accept me for who I am, who will?" Also there are teens who are pressured by their parents to be athletic AND get good grades AND be model citizens AND dress a certain way AND believe certain things AND never get a chance to make decisions for themselves...
maybe they do it with grace and dignity on the outside, and maybe some are thankful to their parents about this. But certainly there are many who feel that if they fail, then they are a complete failure.
We have standards about marriage and careers and family and what a happy life is supposed to look like... and (talk about indoctrination, MSHS parents) its all a fucking joke. Divorce rates, adult suicide rates, the percentages of adults on anti-depressants?! This is what our happiness looks like.
Arg, there is so much to say and I'm getting all scatter-brained and anxious. I got so tangent-y but I just want more people to see the idiocracy of it; the malfunction and harm of this social system of expectation --of appearance, of status, of life-style; that it could drive people to inflict physical pain on themselves, or take their own lives.
These are some of my scars, bleeding for the world to see.
I don't know what Cody's were, but when he was in a coma I sent him a facebook message inviting him to share them with me when he got better...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The happiest times of my life have been when I found people with whom I could relate on a deeper level, but I'd have never found that without making myself vulnerable and sharing some of my internal pain (that wasn't always obvious) with them. My life has many times been saved by doing this, and I like to believe I have saved others in a similar vein. My deepest scars have also been a result of this vulnerability, on top of social, academic, athletic, and other pressures. Sharing yourself so completely with another person can almost never end without some amount pain, but unlike many other causes of hurt, I find there is often an equal measure of unprecedented joy through the affirmation of self that accompanies these moments of complete honesty with another soul.
"We must be open books,
to find those nooks in ourselves
and others,
that hold the secrets to happiness and truth."
That's what I am starting to believe anyway, which is why even though these things are very personal to me, and I am afraid to share them with you, I need to do it.
So Carolyn, Ari and I are going to Deadmau5. If you wanna come lemme know.
is all
I want
for my birthday.
Show is on Oct. 13th
I will buy my ticket.
The present part would just be a ride to and from Oly (I will help with gas)
and a friend or two or three who would buy tickets for themselves and go with me!
The major problem is that the show doesn't end til midnight and I'd need to be back in Oly for class the next day, so we'd probably need to drive back that night. But it will be fun because we will be riding a high from dancing our asses off at probably the best dance party of our lives.
I found the cheapest tickets, $45 (including shipping). This much cheaper pre-sale ends Sept 21st so let me know asap if you are interested in this plan.
I want
for my birthday.
Show is on Oct. 13th
I will buy my ticket.
The present part would just be a ride to and from Oly (I will help with gas)
and a friend or two or three who would buy tickets for themselves and go with me!
The major problem is that the show doesn't end til midnight and I'd need to be back in Oly for class the next day, so we'd probably need to drive back that night. But it will be fun because we will be riding a high from dancing our asses off at probably the best dance party of our lives.
I found the cheapest tickets, $45 (including shipping). This much cheaper pre-sale ends Sept 21st so let me know asap if you are interested in this plan.
"To be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred, or valuable. To be negative at all times is to be threatened by ridiculousness and instant discreditably."
-Kurt Cobain
from his published journals which I started reading at Caitlin's house. Need to finish that at some point.
-Kurt Cobain
from his published journals which I started reading at Caitlin's house. Need to finish that at some point.
I'm not religious or patriotic, but to honor and hope for, not just US troops or those people who died in the planes and buildings, but ALL people ALL OVER THE WORLD who have been/will be affected by the events leading up to, during, and in response to this day in 2001: "Let prayers be said for the fallen, let tolerance and diversity be the lesson, and let love and peace be in the hearts of all." (a paraphrase of Kylie Stevens)
I'm done playing games. That's all.
I would do anything for you, but there is nothing I can do. To love is all the help I can give, and its the only cure for the hatred that still seems to creep into my heart and start beating out, in force, through my veins. It's all somewhat forced for now, except in those separate special moments where happiness is the only thing that exists and it exists only for pure and natural beauty. Forced? That's not it. It's just that I have this battle in my head, and the darkness fights lightness with such greater voracity and conviction, and sometimes it is only when I consciously take control that I can beat it back.
This isn't all always true. Sometimes, its just the opposite.
"This love of dichotomy (the dichotomy of love) -of light and dark- I both fear and embrace, and I know I will never escape by fighting, nor could I banish it through will alone. The way the gray plays into colors, enriching the scene, and enchanting me with its contrast to the golden sun, I believe that a no more beautiful sight I could delight to see."
Just thoughts... that may or may not have any true meaning. I guess I can reinforce, at this point, that I have few real convictions. And those I do have are constantly in question, even if I unwaveringly live by them.
Someone wrote me something:
I would do anything for you, but there is nothing I can do. To love is all the help I can give, and its the only cure for the hatred that still seems to creep into my heart and start beating out, in force, through my veins. It's all somewhat forced for now, except in those separate special moments where happiness is the only thing that exists and it exists only for pure and natural beauty. Forced? That's not it. It's just that I have this battle in my head, and the darkness fights lightness with such greater voracity and conviction, and sometimes it is only when I consciously take control that I can beat it back.
This isn't all always true. Sometimes, its just the opposite.
"This love of dichotomy (the dichotomy of love) -of light and dark- I both fear and embrace, and I know I will never escape by fighting, nor could I banish it through will alone. The way the gray plays into colors, enriching the scene, and enchanting me with its contrast to the golden sun, I believe that a no more beautiful sight I could delight to see."
Just thoughts... that may or may not have any true meaning. I guess I can reinforce, at this point, that I have few real convictions. And those I do have are constantly in question, even if I unwaveringly live by them.
Someone wrote me something:
"My words now float
up
to space
and then down to you
in a digital prayer, while
my flesh streaks
down
I-5 with grass seeds
in my hair
and paint on my face.
My soul isn't to be found though,
but of course
no ones' ever was
so i can't lodge any new complaints
into our ledger.
I think of you
and i think of whales
and a spider
braving a crawl space
in an attic that may only hold
starvation.
We're all insane;
there is no debate
on that,
but i fear i might be
growing saner
as i lose things to say,
so i have started
not to speak.
Instead
i try correspondence with the wind
but i only receive changes
in air pressure
as a reply.
This drove Dostoevsky
under-
ground,
but it makes me want to run
to you:
yes to bare feet
and snow
and the prospect
that something was actually waiting
for us
on that blanket.
Now the sun begins
to rise
but the billboard lights are still on
despite the slumber
of the theme parks.
Soon they will wake
and lines
will spontaneously form
out of forged courtesy
and habit,
but i will wonder
when i can sleep
in your arms
under
a January snow
again."
He commented after sending it to me, that upon reading it he realized that he had lived. And I too, now that he mentions it.
The point of this post has been lost completely, except that I have been reading so much and writing so little, and here I am writing now. Reading has been good for me, but I know my true love. Though, I suppose one doesn't come without the other. And neither come without learning, hopefully. And learning has been filling the cracks left open from the base level interaction I've been having with people.
I hope it is clear that I have been trying to love better. I have been trying to love people with purity, hope, respect, honest, and without judgment. And also, trying to leave bitterness behind, because that will not help the people who need my love the most.
Also, I believe I have come to a point where I really need to focus on me, and my family. At least for this next week, before I go to school, but probably even longer. A huge part of this focus means actively loving people, but not allowing their decisions to affect me as I usually do. Even though I feel the importance of allowing things to affect me the way they naturally do, there are some parts of me that still need to be built up and reinforced before I can let the world knock them around every-which way. Normally, this isn't an option. People don't have time to make this space for themselves, most people never get the chance to even make decisions about what they want or who they are (maybe none of us do, depending on your particular spiritual beliefs), but I feel I have a space for this in my life right now, and I want to take it. Meaning... I have no clue what it means, except that I want to be really intentional about my decisions and actions in the next week, leading up to school, and see if I can grow some. Yea, I feel like I have growing pains, but that something is restricting actual development. Whatever it is, I want to be rid of it.
Wouldn't put it past me that I am crazy, and coming up with crazy things to write to explain the crazy way I act sometimes, and the crazy way I feel most of the time, but I don't think it can hurt to do a bit of an experiment here, while my commitments are sparse.
up
to space
and then down to you
in a digital prayer, while
my flesh streaks
down
I-5 with grass seeds
in my hair
and paint on my face.
My soul isn't to be found though,
but of course
no ones' ever was
so i can't lodge any new complaints
into our ledger.
I think of you
and i think of whales
and a spider
braving a crawl space
in an attic that may only hold
starvation.
We're all insane;
there is no debate
on that,
but i fear i might be
growing saner
as i lose things to say,
so i have started
not to speak.
Instead
i try correspondence with the wind
but i only receive changes
in air pressure
as a reply.
This drove Dostoevsky
under-
ground,
but it makes me want to run
to you:
yes to bare feet
and snow
and the prospect
that something was actually waiting
for us
on that blanket.
Now the sun begins
to rise
but the billboard lights are still on
despite the slumber
of the theme parks.
Soon they will wake
and lines
will spontaneously form
out of forged courtesy
and habit,
but i will wonder
when i can sleep
in your arms
under
a January snow
again."
He commented after sending it to me, that upon reading it he realized that he had lived. And I too, now that he mentions it.
The point of this post has been lost completely, except that I have been reading so much and writing so little, and here I am writing now. Reading has been good for me, but I know my true love. Though, I suppose one doesn't come without the other. And neither come without learning, hopefully. And learning has been filling the cracks left open from the base level interaction I've been having with people.
I hope it is clear that I have been trying to love better. I have been trying to love people with purity, hope, respect, honest, and without judgment. And also, trying to leave bitterness behind, because that will not help the people who need my love the most.
Also, I believe I have come to a point where I really need to focus on me, and my family. At least for this next week, before I go to school, but probably even longer. A huge part of this focus means actively loving people, but not allowing their decisions to affect me as I usually do. Even though I feel the importance of allowing things to affect me the way they naturally do, there are some parts of me that still need to be built up and reinforced before I can let the world knock them around every-which way. Normally, this isn't an option. People don't have time to make this space for themselves, most people never get the chance to even make decisions about what they want or who they are (maybe none of us do, depending on your particular spiritual beliefs), but I feel I have a space for this in my life right now, and I want to take it. Meaning... I have no clue what it means, except that I want to be really intentional about my decisions and actions in the next week, leading up to school, and see if I can grow some. Yea, I feel like I have growing pains, but that something is restricting actual development. Whatever it is, I want to be rid of it.
Wouldn't put it past me that I am crazy, and coming up with crazy things to write to explain the crazy way I act sometimes, and the crazy way I feel most of the time, but I don't think it can hurt to do a bit of an experiment here, while my commitments are sparse.
oh and today I finally got myself to drop my Spanish class. A bit heartbroken but it sorta came down to a choice between taking it or having time to sleep (and maybe even socialize). Sleep is good, apparently.
Plus, I can practice my Spanish with Eric (and Tyler?), who'll be learning. And I can work on climbing vocab I learned in Peru during climbing, and the tool vocab from PSF during modeling/building, and the verb tenses throughout it all... So hopefully I will still be learning and improving that skill even without the class.
I need to buy my books, preferably before I leave tomorrow, so I can have them on time and maybe even early. I feel like I have a bit of prep to do to be really ready to take this DGF class.
passing out now...
Plus, I can practice my Spanish with Eric (and Tyler?), who'll be learning. And I can work on climbing vocab I learned in Peru during climbing, and the tool vocab from PSF during modeling/building, and the verb tenses throughout it all... So hopefully I will still be learning and improving that skill even without the class.
I need to buy my books, preferably before I leave tomorrow, so I can have them on time and maybe even early. I feel like I have a bit of prep to do to be really ready to take this DGF class.
passing out now...
is how I'm feeling.
I think I need to see a doctor.
Off to Oregon tomorrow? Kinda wish that wasn't happening. I need a break from movement.
I think I need to see a doctor.
Off to Oregon tomorrow? Kinda wish that wasn't happening. I need a break from movement.
