I leave the tracks and will follow the highway home instead. From Moab we go to Salt Lake City via the freeway. The first half of the drive is breathtaking as we skate along in the rising morning and see the silhouetted monuments of rock carve their precariously balanced shapes into the sea of the sky. We drive though plains of rock and brush where antelope and coyote scavenge, which slowly gives way to vegetation and hilly meadows. The oak paints autumn up and down the hills. That beauty and wholeness exist.
We take a sharp turn and begin weaving out of the valley. Up ahead, between the peace and stillness of the water-color slopes, is something enormous and fast-moving. I knew the road was a string leading to something big. I felt that as I watched it fall beneath the hood of the car.
I look up to see the god-white blades of turbines cutting through the land's blending serenity. Cutting a hole in the wholeness. Kaki notes that they have such an otherworldly quality. And we enter...
I become curious about this world. It disgusts me instantly, but I want to know where we are. What is this town powered by mountain coal and wind, that seems quaint at first until you realize that it is made of only housing developments? Kaki doesn't know. It seems important to know the name of the town right on the new side of the mountain, but soon I understand--this is not a town. The nameless place is also lifeless. It feels uncohesive and incomplete with no churches or schools or little
shops, and no people to be seen. Only identical houses that eventually
give way to large commercial buildings.
The lifelessness begins to flood, and there is no resurfacing. No air bubble even. Now, I sit here at the greyhound station trying to breathe deep and meditate, but I am drowning in memories and miles of development, of watching billboards spilling their toxic sludge into the diseased sea of suburbia.
When we broke through those hills, we broke though a dam and torpedoed ourselves out into the vast dead ocean of industrial everything; stark, vast civilization where linearity rules and meandering is poverty, slowness condemning.
"The faster, the better," proclaims the billboard for Lakeview Hospital around an LED number screen informing the highway that there is an 11 minute wait for the ER (as if that is useful in an emergency). The highway sign flashes "6 Minutes" to downtown Salt Lake, the entire way lined with bigbox, botox, and parking lots.
What is a desert?
There is more vitality in the sprawl of sand than suburb. This place is fracturing, deadening, dehumanizing, empty. The people are different--angry, confused, drowning. Drowning in themselves because all the signs inundate them with a message for "YOU" and try to convince YOU that YOU can have everything, be everything, and need everything, and that they are talking to YOU (whoever that is).
Really, YOU are an industrial worker ant--a slave to the steel and concrete. Serving no queen, except that you are the queen and you serve yourself and grow fat in your chambers alone. That's what the billboards want.
As I sit on a wirey seat at the station writing, a
woman on that phone yells and curses at someone on the other end. A man
gestates to his invisible friend in the air, and has an argument with
the emptiness. A couple fights, take a break outside for a cigarette, and comes back
in fighting again. They stand together silent in a doorway. They stand together at
every stop til Boise, angry and confused, wondering why it is so
painful.
I remember that as we approached the station having left the freeway and the heart of downtown, we began to pass homeless people on the street by the dozen; factory-farmed and corralled into the carton labelled Salvation Army, and shipped to the "run-down" part of the city. Chloe says it first, but she quickly take it back--"Not 'run-down' but..." "Older" Kaki says. "Yea."
Visualize abundance. Embody positive vision. How you see the world outside is how you are inside. Right? But does that change the outside?
I put my feet on the floor next to the wire seats. The yelling and gesticulating angrily and argument continue. My mind is swimming in the depths.
I close my eyes. I try to sink into a personal quiet. I slowly begin to imagine roots growing from the bottom of my feet, down and through the concrete floor, cracking it open, finding the earth, drawing down into the earth, down through the layers of sediment and stone and water and lava, down into the core, connecting me to the center.
Everything falls away except my roots, and the earth-made things, and the wish that I can hold this center and help heal the scars. That I can dive deep into the ocean, see it honestly, understand it, and not drown. That I can emerge and know the wholeness that is possible, the wholeness that exists. That I can hold it in myself.
I open my eyes. Everything's the same as before.
I feel better, but the woman and the man and the couple don't. What do I allow myself to feel? What do I allow myself to think? I feel deep confusion about the rift between the wholeness of my imaginings, and the wounded reality of the world. All around me is the consequence of exploitation, mass production, industrial manufacture of material, animals, people, everything. We are treated as though we are soulless. We treat the world as though it is soulless. It doesn't have to be that way.
I am getting better at seeing each person as a soul; imagining their heartbeat; imagining them broken down in tears; imagining what they love and why they live. It is helpful, but painful to look at sometimes. The man sweeping the greyhound floors day after day, the people at the ticket counter stressing over missing slips, the woman bossing her son around, telling him "No!" at every curious step to examine something new. His compliance. I want to put my hands on the shoulders of this child and tell him how much he is loved, his mom is just in pain too. I almost do as he walks passed me at one of the stops. The impulse nearly reaches my muscle-mind before he walks out of my reach. What would he think, anyway?
I remember we passed a prison on the highway. I knew we were passing a prison before I even saw it. It was all around me and I sensed it--the pain, the waste, the flat, empty colorlessness of the yard. When my eyes moved from one side of the barbed-wired, razor-wired fence to the other I saw really no difference. The people in the prison yard and the people in the parking lots all seemed equally incarcerated to me.
10/3/12
How do we free ourselves? How do we breathe?
The air bubble exists. You have to find it at the center and hold it at your center, and breathe into it and make it bigger. It is in compassion. It is in wonder. It is in turning pain into poetry. It is in seeing things wholly and honestly. It is in community. It is in forgiveness. It is in empathy. It is in you. It is in me.
Showing posts with label essays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label essays. Show all posts
Been feeling somewhat angry at the world. Or, a lot. But yesterday helped--catching up with some awesome ladies. And my quest prep has been grounding and immensely powerful too. And, duh, backpacking with Carolyn=incredible. Lots to think about. Lots to write about, but most of that is going to be private for now.
But I do wish to express my anger and frustration at this moment, just to get it out of my system. Consider yourself warned.
So... basically... here's the thing: I am fucking sick of (mostly) old (mostly) white (mostly) males running the world! FUCKING SICK OF IT.ARG
So, as you can probably tell, the green building code symposium went well.
I mean, I guess I am getting used to being the youngest person at those things, and being surrounded by grey-haired people in fat-suits...er, fat people in grey suits...er suits with phat grey hair (...not judging, just noticing) [Am I gonna lose potential jobs over this?]. And I am getting used to hearing them talk about merely reducing our utter destructiveness in a business-polite fashion in their business-casual vernacular/clothing blabitty blah blah bull. Needless to say I bit my tongue a bunch but couldn't stifle a few loud exhale sounds that probably made some bushy, grey caterpillar-eyebrows cock their butts in the air (or their heads, but its really hard to tell anyway). But hear-you-me, I would have spoken my mind if I wasn't volunteering or representing the Guild by association.
Like, "um, excuse me... you don't want to put a better code into law because then people who are always pushing the boundaries would somehow suddenly find it acceptable or beneficial to shoot for the lowest standard? and even if they did, the lowest standard would call for much more efficiency across the board which would be better in the long term anyway because we wouldn't have wasted all the resources making more shitty buildings. i mean, its not like we've been waiting for years for everyone to jump on the already super green-washed (with '100% natural' soap) bandwagon of 'sustainability.' and you are saying we shouldn't create laws that mandate 'green' building because then it won't be cool anymore? might that perspective be because the success of your company/paycheck depends on your 'green-building' offerings being on the cutting edge, which wouldn't be the case if better building practices became the mandated standard?"
Once again, it was a dog-fight between the private and public sector...
So why not both? Why not market-based incentives AND regulatory solutions? WHY WHY WHY? I think I understand. It's all about money. But it sounds like this:
"Because I am a man, and don't understand the meaning of compromise" "NO! I am a man and I have all the answers, but they are better than yours" "I am man! HEAR ME ROAR! in my suit. and tie. and... beer belly..." "oh! and I am a woman and I have an opinion too! but it's still based off this bullshit reality of market economies and what is or isn't feasible in our ridiculous government system. but i know how this part of the world works because i have been working in this unfortunate field since the dawn of the dinosaurs. RAR!"
Okay, okay. I'm not being very fair at all. They genuinely care (probably). They donated their time to spend at this thing, and have dedicated their lives to trying to contribute to a more beautiful (?) world, and they are doing it in the ways they know how.
But it doesn't help if you get in the way of people who are doing the things that make the difference. And if you live in a bubble of relative security, ignorant or ignoring-ant of the actual real-life physical/emotional/metaphysical/hubalal impacts of the things you are talking about.
I know. I know. It's too complex (aka time intensive, aka expensive) to consider everything. We are all just doing our best. Hopefully for the common good, but it's hard to tell sometimes, especially when one of the presenters was like "yup, i was in the regular old building design business and i moved to green building when it became profitable."
in the meantime, all these old people in my life are telling me "that's just how people are, we need to take advantage of it by creating incentives and propaganda etc." so shoot. i guess i better just call that acceptable. (*retch*) but its effective! i know it. (*retch*)
would you believe me if I said I DONT I DONT KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE? or what to do? or... who I am...
and on that note:
"What if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me; and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I, myself, am the enemy who must be loved -- what then?” -CG Jung
But I do wish to express my anger and frustration at this moment, just to get it out of my system. Consider yourself warned.
So... basically... here's the thing: I am fucking sick of (mostly) old (mostly) white (mostly) males running the world! FUCKING SICK OF IT.ARG
So, as you can probably tell, the green building code symposium went well.
I mean, I guess I am getting used to being the youngest person at those things, and being surrounded by grey-haired people in fat-suits...er, fat people in grey suits...er suits with phat grey hair (...not judging, just noticing) [Am I gonna lose potential jobs over this?]. And I am getting used to hearing them talk about merely reducing our utter destructiveness in a business-polite fashion in their business-casual vernacular/clothing blabitty blah blah bull. Needless to say I bit my tongue a bunch but couldn't stifle a few loud exhale sounds that probably made some bushy, grey caterpillar-eyebrows cock their butts in the air (or their heads, but its really hard to tell anyway). But hear-you-me, I would have spoken my mind if I wasn't volunteering or representing the Guild by association.
Like, "um, excuse me... you don't want to put a better code into law because then people who are always pushing the boundaries would somehow suddenly find it acceptable or beneficial to shoot for the lowest standard? and even if they did, the lowest standard would call for much more efficiency across the board which would be better in the long term anyway because we wouldn't have wasted all the resources making more shitty buildings. i mean, its not like we've been waiting for years for everyone to jump on the already super green-washed (with '100% natural' soap) bandwagon of 'sustainability.' and you are saying we shouldn't create laws that mandate 'green' building because then it won't be cool anymore? might that perspective be because the success of your company/paycheck depends on your 'green-building' offerings being on the cutting edge, which wouldn't be the case if better building practices became the mandated standard?"
Once again, it was a dog-fight between the private and public sector...
So why not both? Why not market-based incentives AND regulatory solutions? WHY WHY WHY? I think I understand. It's all about money. But it sounds like this:
"Because I am a man, and don't understand the meaning of compromise" "NO! I am a man and I have all the answers, but they are better than yours" "I am man! HEAR ME ROAR! in my suit. and tie. and... beer belly..." "oh! and I am a woman and I have an opinion too! but it's still based off this bullshit reality of market economies and what is or isn't feasible in our ridiculous government system. but i know how this part of the world works because i have been working in this unfortunate field since the dawn of the dinosaurs. RAR!"
Okay, okay. I'm not being very fair at all. They genuinely care (probably). They donated their time to spend at this thing, and have dedicated their lives to trying to contribute to a more beautiful (?) world, and they are doing it in the ways they know how.
But it doesn't help if you get in the way of people who are doing the things that make the difference. And if you live in a bubble of relative security, ignorant or ignoring-ant of the actual real-life physical/emotional/metaphysical/hubalal impacts of the things you are talking about.
I know. I know. It's too complex (aka time intensive, aka expensive) to consider everything. We are all just doing our best. Hopefully for the common good, but it's hard to tell sometimes, especially when one of the presenters was like "yup, i was in the regular old building design business and i moved to green building when it became profitable."
in the meantime, all these old people in my life are telling me "that's just how people are, we need to take advantage of it by creating incentives and propaganda etc." so shoot. i guess i better just call that acceptable. (*retch*) but its effective! i know it. (*retch*)
would you believe me if I said I DONT I DONT KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE? or what to do? or... who I am...
and on that note:
"What if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me; and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I, myself, am the enemy who must be loved -- what then?” -CG Jung
i know its late.
I've been up since before 7 this morning
for no apparent reason
except perhaps the energy of the world today
re-shaken in mourning.
so watching
reading
thinking
writing
singing
coloring
and
talking about this all day
has my mind pretty worn
but there were a couple things i was reminded of that i wanted to post.
i know... im sorta in private mode with my own writing right now and have pretty much just been reposting links or other people's stuff. it will pass. i think i am starting a new site soon anyway, if i stop being so lazy and indecisive about it.
-----------------------------------------------------
ok, so the first thing is this poem that I initially read in a library in Eugene (in like March?) when I first picked up Pinchbeck's compilation Toward 2012: Perspectives on the Next Age. Its called "If You See Something, Say Something" ...a stab at the signs that have appeared on airports and buses since 9/11/01. Here it is, from Michael Brownstein, 2006:
"We need your help as an extra set of eyes and ears.
Unattended bags? Suspicious behavior?
Take notice of people in bulky or inappropriate clothing.
Report anyone tampering with video cameras or entering unauthorized areas.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see a criminally insane person roaming the halls of the White House.
He believes he's the president of the United States.
And I see a rotund bastard with a heart problem hovering in the background, pulling the strings.
His crooked smile lights the way to perdition.
In the early morning chill I see the streets of New York filled with people on their way to work.
We think we're home free because John Ashcroft retired.
No more red alerts, no more terrorists disguised as tourists worming their way into town.
No more dirty bombs left in suitcases in Grand Central.
Little do we know. Little dare we surmise.
As the rotund bastard with the heart problem said the other day, "You know, it's not an accident that we haven't been hit in four years."
What's that supposed to mean? That sooner or later he'll feel threatened enough to push the hot button again?
And when he does will he be in his secret, climate-controlled tunnel half-way between D.C. and Wyoming?
Far from the narrow, dark canyons of Manhattan?
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see the forgotten anthrax killers whose bioweapons source was not al-Qaeda but our own American arsenals.
I see no global war declared on Fort Detrick or the Dugway Proving Grounds, no troops deployed, no actions taken.
Our attention always focused somewhere out there (Iraq, North Korea, Iran), never in here.
If you see something, say something.
I see a billion dollars a week spent on this war rather than the two billion a year needed to lock down leaking Russian nuclear facilities.
I see the US military buying anthrax in violation of treaties limiting the spread of bioweapons.
I see nanotech embraced for mirage medical cures while its use for surveillance and control is ignored.
I see all of us innoculated into a state of permanent low-level paranoia.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see our Supreme Leader in the Oval Office fondling "the football," the top-secret suitcase with instructions to blow up the planet.
Sixteen years after the Berlin wall fell I see thousands of hydrogen bombs still on hair-trigger alert in Russia and the USA.
I see forty of those bombs aimed at New York City.
If you see something, say something.
I see our protective coating of ironic distance sheilding us from the truth.
Over the phone I hear "Have a nice day," and "Please speak to the system."
And in the stores, behind the Christmas carols, I hear the whine of black helicopters making the world safe for democracy.
"Freedom!" I bark, and a miniature poodle on a leash barks back at me.
I see something.
I see the US holding the world for ransom.
Again and again the same words keep surfacing: "the national interest, the national interest, the national interest."
Reptilian brains having a toxic reaction to testosterone.
Plunging us all into the icy waters of selfish calculation.
If you see something, say something.
I see this trashed-out culture of ours approaching the wall.
Plant and animal species disappearing at warp speed.
Soil turned to dust, aquifers drained dry.
And I see it's too painful to go there.
It's too painful to go there, I'm headed outside for a smoke.
It's too painful to go there, I'm busy learning Italian.
It's too painful to go there, my therapist told me to stay positive.
She said that whatever I experience is up to me, that I create my own world.
My guru said the same thing.
But it's funny, no matter what they say I keep seeing this weirdness out of the corner of my eye.
I see undercover agents on every transport platform, watching over my fellow Americans strapped into bucket seats.
I see my fellow Americans weighed down by schedules and cellphones and computers and wristwatches.
I see their children swallowing pharmaceuticals to get through the day.
While in nearby fields the birds and animals look on with infinite patience, waiting outside of clock time for us to burn out and disappear.
(The yellow-throated warbler singing, "Is that the best you can do?
Best you can do?"
"Is that the best you can do?")
I see something.
I see arbitrary national borders separating us from our humanity.
I hear the siren song of nationalism driving us onto the rocks.
9/11 and the war in Iraq no more than red herrings distracting us from this fact.
Cause Iraqis are people just like us. How can their deaths be worth less than ours?
I see it's time for us to take a look in the mirror.
Notice the frightened children in there, wondering how they got into this mess.
Realize there's no one in the whole wide world to blame.
Decide to risk everything and open our hearts.
That's the one thing against which the rotund bastard has no defense.
If you see something, say something.
I see that even though my therapist charges a hundred and seventy-five an hour and my guru has a lifetime free pass, maybe they're right.
I'm responsible for what's happening to me.
My beliefs create my experience.
Otherwise why am I swallowed up in rituals of mutual self-destruction while outside a sweet wind blows through the trees?
Cause I see two wolves fighting in my heart, one vengeful and the other compassionate.
Which one will I feed today?
Will I behave as if the god in all of life matters?
Or will I come after you, blaming and accusing?
Which one will I feed today?"
Unattended bags? Suspicious behavior?
Take notice of people in bulky or inappropriate clothing.
Report anyone tampering with video cameras or entering unauthorized areas.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see a criminally insane person roaming the halls of the White House.
He believes he's the president of the United States.
And I see a rotund bastard with a heart problem hovering in the background, pulling the strings.
His crooked smile lights the way to perdition.
In the early morning chill I see the streets of New York filled with people on their way to work.
We think we're home free because John Ashcroft retired.
No more red alerts, no more terrorists disguised as tourists worming their way into town.
No more dirty bombs left in suitcases in Grand Central.
Little do we know. Little dare we surmise.
As the rotund bastard with the heart problem said the other day, "You know, it's not an accident that we haven't been hit in four years."
What's that supposed to mean? That sooner or later he'll feel threatened enough to push the hot button again?
And when he does will he be in his secret, climate-controlled tunnel half-way between D.C. and Wyoming?
Far from the narrow, dark canyons of Manhattan?
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see the forgotten anthrax killers whose bioweapons source was not al-Qaeda but our own American arsenals.
I see no global war declared on Fort Detrick or the Dugway Proving Grounds, no troops deployed, no actions taken.
Our attention always focused somewhere out there (Iraq, North Korea, Iran), never in here.
If you see something, say something.
I see a billion dollars a week spent on this war rather than the two billion a year needed to lock down leaking Russian nuclear facilities.
I see the US military buying anthrax in violation of treaties limiting the spread of bioweapons.
I see nanotech embraced for mirage medical cures while its use for surveillance and control is ignored.
I see all of us innoculated into a state of permanent low-level paranoia.
If you see something, say something.
I see something.
I see our Supreme Leader in the Oval Office fondling "the football," the top-secret suitcase with instructions to blow up the planet.
Sixteen years after the Berlin wall fell I see thousands of hydrogen bombs still on hair-trigger alert in Russia and the USA.
I see forty of those bombs aimed at New York City.
If you see something, say something.
I see our protective coating of ironic distance sheilding us from the truth.
Over the phone I hear "Have a nice day," and "Please speak to the system."
And in the stores, behind the Christmas carols, I hear the whine of black helicopters making the world safe for democracy.
"Freedom!" I bark, and a miniature poodle on a leash barks back at me.
I see something.
I see the US holding the world for ransom.
Again and again the same words keep surfacing: "the national interest, the national interest, the national interest."
Reptilian brains having a toxic reaction to testosterone.
Plunging us all into the icy waters of selfish calculation.
If you see something, say something.
I see this trashed-out culture of ours approaching the wall.
Plant and animal species disappearing at warp speed.
Soil turned to dust, aquifers drained dry.
And I see it's too painful to go there.
It's too painful to go there, I'm headed outside for a smoke.
It's too painful to go there, I'm busy learning Italian.
It's too painful to go there, my therapist told me to stay positive.
She said that whatever I experience is up to me, that I create my own world.
My guru said the same thing.
But it's funny, no matter what they say I keep seeing this weirdness out of the corner of my eye.
I see undercover agents on every transport platform, watching over my fellow Americans strapped into bucket seats.
I see my fellow Americans weighed down by schedules and cellphones and computers and wristwatches.
I see their children swallowing pharmaceuticals to get through the day.
While in nearby fields the birds and animals look on with infinite patience, waiting outside of clock time for us to burn out and disappear.
(The yellow-throated warbler singing, "Is that the best you can do?
Best you can do?"
"Is that the best you can do?")
I see something.
I see arbitrary national borders separating us from our humanity.
I hear the siren song of nationalism driving us onto the rocks.
9/11 and the war in Iraq no more than red herrings distracting us from this fact.
Cause Iraqis are people just like us. How can their deaths be worth less than ours?
I see it's time for us to take a look in the mirror.
Notice the frightened children in there, wondering how they got into this mess.
Realize there's no one in the whole wide world to blame.
Decide to risk everything and open our hearts.
That's the one thing against which the rotund bastard has no defense.
If you see something, say something.
I see that even though my therapist charges a hundred and seventy-five an hour and my guru has a lifetime free pass, maybe they're right.
I'm responsible for what's happening to me.
My beliefs create my experience.
Otherwise why am I swallowed up in rituals of mutual self-destruction while outside a sweet wind blows through the trees?
Cause I see two wolves fighting in my heart, one vengeful and the other compassionate.
Which one will I feed today?
Will I behave as if the god in all of life matters?
Or will I come after you, blaming and accusing?
Which one will I feed today?"
fuck yea, right?
well, I think its clever, and thoughtful.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
alrighty... next:
(if you're a bit winded, you might take a break... the next one is hellza long)
My dear Uncle David certainly has a knack for thinking and words and putting those two things together. oh, and putting his words to the brilliant photographs he takes whilst simultaneously giving a lecture and changing the way the whole world thinks about building codes... but i'll save that for later. tonight, as i was getting concerned whether or not i would be able to sleep with so much on my mind, he posted something that determined solidly that no, i won't be sleeping for a while. hence me being up at 1 again, after six hours of restless sleep last night and a big day today (I went upstairs! I left the house for like an hour! AND I engaged with a whole family of new people who Becca brought to dinner. seriously... just that and it was like 100x more commotion than i've been having the past few days. besides getting sick a bunch. ick). actually though, all kidding aside, it was a big day... emotionally mostly, and i really appreciated the commentary David reposted, which he had written shortly after this day in 2001. If nothing else, read the poem at the end.
"Dear friends
First I want to say that it is rare that I am moved to send out messages to so many of my friends at once. I hope this does not offend any of you, but it is sent with heartfelt sympathy and sorrow for everyone affected by the tragedy of September 11th and its aftermath. I wrote the piece below over the past few days and decided, because of the response that I got from the people that I sent it to initially, to share it more widely. And I also wanted to preface it with some thoughts about the current situation.
These are hard times for anyone who has a larger context than what one could get from the mainstream media or official reports through which to contemplate the events of the past four weeks. Everyone I know is struggling to deal with the aftermath. Many of us are especially challenged to deal with our distrust for the current administration, their motives, underlying agenda, and the very paradigm from which they operate. Like so many others I also have felt the full range of emotions from pride and admiration for the courage, kindness, and generosity of so many people in this country (the basis for a very different kind of feeling for what is great about this country than the uncritical flag-waving, sabre-rattling variety that seems to dominate right now), to dismay, horror, and outrage at the way many of the leaders of our country have responded to the unfolding of events.
The past week or so I find myself coping with more and more sorrow and anger. Much of it relates to the outrage directed at people who are seeking and speaking the truth about our real history and the degree to which the situation in which we find ourselves today is related to long-standing policies of our own government, which often have often been lawless, violent, and anti-democratic. It would appear that the worst aspects of this country emerge along with the best at times of crisis, and so today anyone who does not stand 100% with our leaders can be called a traitor or at the very least unpatriotic and not deserving of a public voice. Nonetheless, the truth remains that the U.S. has had a huge hand in creating the world that we now must all live in - that is undeniably true. And this level of fear and vulnerability is only new to people on these shores, not to most of the world. And those who benefit from the restraint of civic discourse, freedom of information, and the militarization of the nation are scrambling to consolidiate and institutionalize their gains under the cloak of bipartisanship and the need for us to forever be a nation living in fear.
It is as though no one can speak these truths without being accused of excusing or justifying or rationalizing the horrendous crimes against humanity that were carried out on the 11th. This is an enormous and critical distortion of the truth. There are no excuses. None. Not for the acts of those who perpetrated these most recent crimes, nor for the terrorism that the U.S. and the ruthless regimes that we have supported around the world have inflicted upon the millions of innocent citizens of those other countries. And this also does not deny or excuse the atrocities carried out by some of our enemies over the years. Atrocities are atrocities regardless of the goodness of the cause for which they are committed or the self-righteousness of the people who commit them.
I find it astonishing that the same people who are now accusing those who point out the truth about U.S. foreign policy today, can't see the duplicity of their arguments as they rationalize and justify and excuse U.S.-sponsored terrorism elsewhere in the world. People who commit crimes against humanity must be brought to justice. If we are in fact a nation of laws, not of men, as we claim, we would seek no other outcome. One need only look at our new Ambassador to the UN to understand the mindset and lack of integrity of our current administration in the area of human rights abuses or acts of state sponsored terror. What is needed if we are to ever overcome the cycles of violence we seem so committed to perpetuating are strong and truly international institutions of law and justice to which every nation, no matter how weak or powerful are accountable. Acting unilaterally by declaring war against a small group of fanatics rather than dealing with this as a crime against humanity and all nations, requiring a truly international response only fertilizes the ground for the growth of future terrorism.
What I wrote, below, is just a personal outpouring of what I have been feeling and thinking over these past few weeks. And of my conviction that it is only through embracing the pain and sorrow and anger and disappointment and reality - including our own complicity in these things - that we can begin to find a way out. And also from my belief that it is gratitude, compassion, and love, not fear, greed, anger or hatred that can lead us from a place of such awesome despair and danger.
I send this with hopes for a growing movement that values all life and moves to undermine the paradigms and politics of consolidated power, wealth, and control over those of shared power, wealth, and restraint and the understanding that freedoms and rights are accompanied by responsibilities and obligations that transcend private, personal interests. We need to strongly stand up for our civil liberties, including our right to know what our government is doing in our name and with our taxes and in its international agreements. We need to make continually clear to our elected representatives that we will hold them accountable for what they do, whether committing further atrocities in other lands, giving away our rights of economic and political sovereignty to global trade and investment cartels, or taking away our rights such as freedom of speech, or assembly, or the right to dissent and protest without being labeled a terrorist (check out this FBI website to see if you might actually be a terrorist yourself by the FBI's definition: http://www.fbi.gov/congress/congress01/freeh051001.htm>http://www.fbi.gov/congress/congress01/freeh051001.htm).
A key issue that we must address, if we are not to see a spiraling increase in such violence and social chaos around the world and at home, is corporate globalization and market fundamentalism. If you don't understand what is at stake, please read False Dawn by John Gray, and start doing some research into NAFTA, WTO, FTAA, MAI and what they represent in terms of the destruction of social fabric, local economies, and political freedoms, all to be sacrificed to the idea that corporate profits and the pursuit of the highest return on investment is always the highest good. Our leaders have placed our communities, our local, regional and national economies, and all of our laws for public health, safety and welfare in absolute jeopardy out of the insane rejection of the idea of the commons - of a public good superceding private good. The people behind the "wise use" movement - who proposed that every law or regulation that restricts the rights of individuals to maximize their profits - whether potential, imagined, or real - is a governmental "taking" and therefore creates a requirement for compensation for any conceivable loss of opportunity or potential profit - these are the people who are negotiating our global trade and investment agreements. This principle was written into NAFTA and it is embedded in the paradigm of WTO and all the international agreements on free trade and investment. The lawsuits are already being filed and won in NAFTA's private tribunals. This will ultimately result in the shredding of the fabric of civil society and result in tremendous chaos here and abroad. If we think our past policies have created opportunities for terrorists to vilify the US, just wait…. We don't appear to have real leaders. Few of our politicians have clue what they have created. Those that do and still support free trade over fair trade, and property rights over life, should not be given power over anything.
We have our own fundamentalists here, but what they believe in is the market and multinational corporate power. There is much work to be done and the first step is being awake. But most important is that we understand that we are not alone and we are not powerless. Our voices need to be heard and those of us that know and understand what is being done have an obligation to become the leaders that we apparently don't have today.
I am sending this to you because I count you among my friends and deeply value that friendship and the values that we share. It is sent with my blessings and with a loving and open heart.
After Math
I'm almost embarrassed to share
This experience
Too full of emotion
Anger, hope, fear and sorrow
I felt the need to write
And somehow started thinking
About the word "Aftermath"
About the after math
The calculus after disaster
The area under the curve
Under the arc of consequences
Not at all those that we had in mind
But I felt the need to know the numbers
To be able to start to write
So I spent an hour, perhaps more
In internet info searching mode
How many dead now, which ones where?
How many missing?
By who's count?
From what countries of origin?
From what companies?
How many were firemen?
Policemen or Port Authority?
What about at the Pentagon?
Or on the plane in Pennsylvania?
And then I noticed all at once
That I had totally succumbed
To the effects of the numbers
I found I was stunningly numbed
And I thought - Did anyone get it?
When they invented this word?
Numb-er?
That that is what they so often are?
Doesn't anyone notice how effective are these symbols
At dulling the pain?
Dulling the senses?
Dulling the sense?
In my numbness I tried to write
But words and figures were just more symbols on the screen
What do these things mean?
5000, 6000, 7000 dead here, 500,000 starved children in Iraq
How many in Afganistan?
Or was that the number in Nicaragua? Why am I still feeling no pain?
And what about the first $40 billion of disaster recovery money?
To begin our journey back to September 10th
Will that not bring a lot of relief?
It's a little more than $6.50 for every human on earth
I know, it's just for us, spelled U. S.
The special four percent of the humans.
I know, actually it's only for a small percentage
Of that special four percent
But are these the only people who need relief?
But who's counting anyway?
And just what are we going to count?
Who counts?
What counts?
When did we last think
That measuring the right thing roughly is far better
Than measuring the wrong thing with great accuracy?
How do we begin when we don't have a clue
About the worth of any person?
One here is worth many there.
Because lives are obviously so much bigger
The closer they are to the observer
How can we solve for so many unknowns
When we officially don't care about
The value of each strand in the web of life?
The identity of all of our relations?
The consequences of our actions?
When we would rather ignore or suppress
The depth of our pain
The power of our love
The heat of our passion
The taste of our grief
The intensity of our despair
The value of the lives of the victims of our vengeance
The number of things left unsaid, undone
The weight of memories that are all that remain
The length of our mourning
This is not a test
This is a real emergency
Had this been a test
You would have been instructed
To return to the status quo without thinking
But this is a real emergency
And what is emerging is a calling
We are now called to show up
We are now called to do our home-work
We are now called to learn our real history
We are now called to understand
We are now called to demand to know
What our leaders do in our name
We are now called to become leaders
We are now called to wake each other up
We are now called to see ourselves
As the whole world sees us
The whole world
Not just the human beings present today
Not just human ancestors and future human beings
But all beings of every species
With whom we share this world
And we must also see
That it is in this awareness
And in our willingness to experience all these things
That we will find the only authentic power that exists
Power that is for life
We must remember
To call each other and ourselves to truth
To call each other and ourselves to compassion
To call each other and ourselves to loving kindness
And to call each other and ourselves
To keep our eyes open
To keep our hearts open
To keep our minds open
And to remember each other
And to remember as we deal with the aftermath
That gratitude is the first step
In every solution"
-David Eisenberg
I am not only sick of, but also heartbroken by how much neglect, ignorance, laziness, stupidity and irresponsibility we allow to persist in ourselves as individuals.
One of my friends posted on facebook this morning saying "I am the luckiest girl alive today because that cop didn't give me a DUI."
No, she is lucky she didn't fucking kill anyone last night. I don't know how drunk she was, but if she thinks she deserved a DUI, then she was drunk enough to not be driving. I am discouraged about things like this. I'm just starting to wonder if the majority of people just don't think, or if they don't care, or if they just don't realize that being alive in this day, in this country, comes with responsibilities that we must begin considering. And we must also consider that our intentions, and actions, and in-actions, have a profound effect on the other lives we share this world with.
I am empowered to see people here at Evergreen taking responsibility for their roles in this world. Trevor Van Dyke, a fellow writing tutor, is one of my heroes. He is constantly working toward equality in human/human, human/animal relationships. He has bettered himself by removing all animal products from his diet (including honey). He attends and participates in probably daily meetings with such groups as Amnesty International, Student Union, ect. I go to his facebook and the first thing I see is his newsfeed:
One of my friends posted on facebook this morning saying "I am the luckiest girl alive today because that cop didn't give me a DUI."
No, she is lucky she didn't fucking kill anyone last night. I don't know how drunk she was, but if she thinks she deserved a DUI, then she was drunk enough to not be driving. I am discouraged about things like this. I'm just starting to wonder if the majority of people just don't think, or if they don't care, or if they just don't realize that being alive in this day, in this country, comes with responsibilities that we must begin considering. And we must also consider that our intentions, and actions, and in-actions, have a profound effect on the other lives we share this world with.
I am empowered to see people here at Evergreen taking responsibility for their roles in this world. Trevor Van Dyke, a fellow writing tutor, is one of my heroes. He is constantly working toward equality in human/human, human/animal relationships. He has bettered himself by removing all animal products from his diet (including honey). He attends and participates in probably daily meetings with such groups as Amnesty International, Student Union, ect. I go to his facebook and the first thing I see is his newsfeed:
Trevor is attending Criminales Todos: A Community Art Exhibit.
Trevor is attending TransGuys Community Awards Voting.
Trevor is attending Oly Childcare Collective Volunteer Orientation!
Trevor is attending Student Activities Brunch.
Trevor attended International Transgender Day of Remembrance Candlelit Vigil.
Trevor attended SDS Budget Hearing.
Trevor attended Save the Loft Action Meeting.
and two articles he posted about gay rights, and two more articles he posted protesting violent law enforcement, and the list just goes on.
He doesn't drink, and he rides the bus or his bike, so he doesn't have to worry about getting a DUI, or hurting anyone in a car.
He dedicates his life and his time to bettering the world, to being involved in the community, to learning, to supporting individuals and the collective whole.
He is what I aspire to be like. He is incredible, responsible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, we as a species have decided that we are entitled to "rights". And we founded this country on this ethereal idea of a freedom that we are entitled to, as well as an idea of equality. If we truly believe in these ideas, we must also realize there is a breaking point between freedom and equality. I am starting to think we can't have both. There seems to be a point where selfishness just won't do, and we are far beyond that point, scale-wise. Because of the amount of people we share this world with, we don't have the same freedom or rights we had on a smaller scale. I believe we have collectively lost our individual rights because so many individuals have taken so much advantage of the "freedom" they are privileged to have, and because of that we deny it to others. One major illustration of this is the distribution of wealth in this country. That is unequal, and it doesn't represent collective freedom at all. So we have neither. We have revoked our combined freedom and equality because too many have too little, because too many (albeit, comparatively few, to the have-nots) have too much. I think that's what I meant by "individual liberty destroying collective liberty."
Just think about it... You will probably disagree, but I stand by it: we don't have the freedom to do whatever we want, whenever we want. Not anymore. And if we believe in the "core values" of this "country" then I would think we would want to do something about this in our own lives...
Well, this is what I believe, but I think I've realized I'm not going to convince you to change. So whats the point of writing in this blog then? I guess its part of my way of trying to make a difference. I think all we can do is try anyway.
Again, I am inviting comments, questions, rebuttal. Please. I know I have been fairly vague... But I don't have to be, so just let me know what you wanna hear/talk more about.
Trevor is attending Oly Childcare Collective Volunteer Orientation!
Trevor is attending Student Activities Brunch.
Trevor attended International Transgender Day of Remembrance Candlelit Vigil.
Trevor attended SDS Budget Hearing.
Trevor attended Save the Loft Action Meeting.
and two articles he posted about gay rights, and two more articles he posted protesting violent law enforcement, and the list just goes on.
He doesn't drink, and he rides the bus or his bike, so he doesn't have to worry about getting a DUI, or hurting anyone in a car.
He dedicates his life and his time to bettering the world, to being involved in the community, to learning, to supporting individuals and the collective whole.
He is what I aspire to be like. He is incredible, responsible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, we as a species have decided that we are entitled to "rights". And we founded this country on this ethereal idea of a freedom that we are entitled to, as well as an idea of equality. If we truly believe in these ideas, we must also realize there is a breaking point between freedom and equality. I am starting to think we can't have both. There seems to be a point where selfishness just won't do, and we are far beyond that point, scale-wise. Because of the amount of people we share this world with, we don't have the same freedom or rights we had on a smaller scale. I believe we have collectively lost our individual rights because so many individuals have taken so much advantage of the "freedom" they are privileged to have, and because of that we deny it to others. One major illustration of this is the distribution of wealth in this country. That is unequal, and it doesn't represent collective freedom at all. So we have neither. We have revoked our combined freedom and equality because too many have too little, because too many (albeit, comparatively few, to the have-nots) have too much. I think that's what I meant by "individual liberty destroying collective liberty."
Just think about it... You will probably disagree, but I stand by it: we don't have the freedom to do whatever we want, whenever we want. Not anymore. And if we believe in the "core values" of this "country" then I would think we would want to do something about this in our own lives...
Well, this is what I believe, but I think I've realized I'm not going to convince you to change. So whats the point of writing in this blog then? I guess its part of my way of trying to make a difference. I think all we can do is try anyway.
Again, I am inviting comments, questions, rebuttal. Please. I know I have been fairly vague... But I don't have to be, so just let me know what you wanna hear/talk more about.
Man, it was great to see Ben (Joselyn) last night. We talked about so much that has been on our minds. And I finally felt like someone understood what I was saying, and really wanted to hear it. Sometimes when I have discussions with people I generally agree with, I feel like I am wasting time, ya know, preaching to the choir. But I guess I really needed assurance this time, that all the crazy things in my mind actually hold some merit. And talking to him helped me believe that. This break has been great for some introspection. I have written so much in my journal now that I have had the brain-space to work through some of what has been building up in there. This is going to be a long blog, but please read it, and do so carefully.
------------------------------------------------------
Ben and I discussed individuality, and how we have all gotten so caught up in looking out for ourselves that we don't remember how reliant we are on the rest of humanity (and all of nature, really) and vice versa. We forget until we look at the stars, and then we think "oh damn, i really am small." But even still, it seems like we don't recognize what that means. It means that all the petty things we worry about in our individual lives are quite unimportant. I don't meant to say we should disregard our individual experience, but perhaps we can creatively use it to affect the collective experience more positively.
I have just been reading people's blogs and tumblr accounts, watching people's statuses on facebook, observing the suicide rate in the country (especially amongst young adults), and I am just sick of it -- that everyone feels so worthless. That people feel the need to be in a relationship, or buy something, or look like someone in order to feel worth anything.
Ben and I were talking about how, perhaps, we feel so useless in what we are doing in our lives that we have to create problems for us to fix. We have to feel needed by something or someone because we don't feel needed in the world. I will come back to this later. There are also problems that we don't necessarily create, but that we allow to perpetuate. People get depressed because of the state of the world, but then it seems we perpetuate that state by not resolving the pattern in ourselves, but instead, seeing the current state as the only option and accepting that it already is how it has to be. But if we adopt the pattern in our self then we only further the pattern and further our unhappiness with the state of the world, and with ourselves.
"X's father has had a hard life; he's seen some pain, and he is starting to drink more. But its damaging to X to see his father getting drunk. And X is so scared by this image of his father getting drunk that X wants to forget it, so X goes and gets drunk too. Then X feels like shit for resorting to that which he hates in order to escape that which makes him upset."
How do we stop this pattern. There is a psychology about people that often makes them emulate what they have always seen. But there was a place where the pattern started, and it can be broken anywhere, and it can be for better or worse. I don't have the answer but I think it has to do with decisions of the individual AND of the collective...
----------------------------------------------------------------
Ben and I discussed the education system, particularly in the valley, and we noted how unhappy the majority of people here are. There is no reason this has to persist, but it will if nothing changes. We live in a beautiful place where there are so many opportunities for experiential education, and yet we are sitting in a concrete building regurgitating information, not applying it our lives, and feeling utter useless in the process.
One of the most prominent things I remember from my high school is staring out the window of a classroom at a snow-speckled Mount Si and wondering why the heck I felt like I prisoner. "The mountain is right there, it is a beautiful day, why am I inside learning the word for snow in Spanish, when I could be on the mountain experiencing it." Why couldn't we have been learning the word for snow in Spanish while playing in the snow?
It is bigger than this though because we have (maybe not purposely, but definitely) been conditioned to think of school as separate from the real world. How could this not happen when the real world is so disregarded in education? The school couldn't acknowledge the reality of the world. We couldn't even have Homecoming hallway competitions because the school became so collectively afraid of internal opposition. But then we are still encouraged to take the PSAT and try to get the highest score so we can become National Merit Scholars. If you get in a certain top percentile your picture goes right in the main hall of MSHS. Not only does that encourage competition, but it also rewards a certain learning style, or (in this case) the ability to take multiple choice exams, which is completely different than having a particularly good understanding of the material in those exams. So we are also being encouraged to figure out how to best the system such that the school gets collectively high scores, which obviously demonstrates the ability of teachers to teach, and the ability of students to learn from these teachers. That is ludicrous and its a pile of shit. I was looking through my portfolio of work from Earth Science 9th grade and I just about cried. I wasted so much of my life copying key terms word for word from the text book, because if you miss the word "is" when writing the definition for what the mantle of the earth is then you miss the point for the whole sentence. I think I remember the first time we peer graded our key terms the teacher would read the definition word for word and people would ask "what if they wrote it this way instead?" and she would say "was that exactly what I said? If not, then its wrong."
You know what I see here? An expectation that all students will learn the complexity of what something means by writing a stream of individual words, making sure it looks exactly like the book, which is completely false. An expectation that the book is correct and that if we all conform to what it says then we all must be right. Whats really going on? Laziness. The teacher doesn't have to deal with any variation. The student doesn't have to worry about developing their own way to present the definition. Basically no one is using their brain.
Now that's an extreme example, and perhaps the valley is an extreme example in general, but it is my experience, and it is the experience of thousands of students who go through the valley school system (except the lucky one's who were smart enough to go to Two Rivers, the alternative school where you are put in classes not based on grade level or graduation requirements, but on individual understanding of and interest in a particular subject).
-----------------------------------------------------------
Ok, now I seem to be contradiction myself.
A) We should stop being so caught up in the individual because we get so caught up in our own lives and forget about the rest of the struggles in the world.
B) We need to consider the individual in order to create the most effective and enjoyable method of education.
Yup. Both.
Like I was saying before, perhaps the root of so much of this unhappiness is that we don't feel necessary or useful. We desperately hold on to the boy who made us feel needed and wanted because there is nothing else that makes us feel that way (and then we get so caught up in our own unhappiness that we over-exaggerate the individual situation we are in and forget about everything or everyone else). Even if there is something else that we are interested in, we don't feel empowered to be involved because we have been copying useless things from textbooks rather than honing individual skills and working toward a place where we have the knowledge and ability to be involved, which is the very thing that could give us a greater sense of purpose, and allow us to see how trivial the "drama" really is.
If the ability to find and hone those things that really ignite our souls could be built into the education system, then school and reality wouldn't have to be so disconnected from each other. Students wouldn't feel like prisoners, wouldn't have to create drama in order to have something to work toward, and would probably be happier.
Additionally, there is a sense of community that emerges when everyone's sense of individuality is empowering to them. The person in their own self is happier because they are doing something they enjoy (eliminating the very compensation of self-consciousness that drives the diminishing of others). And because everyone is doing something individual everyone has something to share with one another. And because it is more geared to personal interests they are probably excited to share. This creates interaction and allows for connections to be made. The connections that are made (which in my experience at Evergreen are pretty much endless) will then allow students to see how each of their interests/disciplines/focuses interact and rely on each other. This creates community AND empowers individuals.
In this way it is possible to embrace individuality (which is real and important), without allowing individuality to become petty or SO individual that we forget who we rely on and who relies on us.
(Oh, this is all so very simplified and roughly laid-out, and I know that. I am just drawing the from examples I have been observing recently, most of which surround people ages 13 to 21, but assuredly extends to people of all ages.)
---------------------------------------------------
Read it again:
A Ritual to Read Each Other
If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.
For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.
And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.
And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.
For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep."
-William Stafford
-----------------------------------------------------------
There is a note to myself in my phone a while back. It says "individual liberty destroying collective liberty." This is something I want to explore further when I pick this subject back up later. It is related to this idea of entitlement too.
I don't think I can continue with these now because I have been writing for hours, there is actually homework to be done tonight, and I need some feedback before I write about this more. So I am hoping that somebody makes a thoughtful response to this post. What has it brought up for you? Do you disagree with any of it? Do you want to talk about a particular aspect in more depth? Anything else?
------------------------------------------------------
Ben and I discussed individuality, and how we have all gotten so caught up in looking out for ourselves that we don't remember how reliant we are on the rest of humanity (and all of nature, really) and vice versa. We forget until we look at the stars, and then we think "oh damn, i really am small." But even still, it seems like we don't recognize what that means. It means that all the petty things we worry about in our individual lives are quite unimportant. I don't meant to say we should disregard our individual experience, but perhaps we can creatively use it to affect the collective experience more positively.
I have just been reading people's blogs and tumblr accounts, watching people's statuses on facebook, observing the suicide rate in the country (especially amongst young adults), and I am just sick of it -- that everyone feels so worthless. That people feel the need to be in a relationship, or buy something, or look like someone in order to feel worth anything.
Ben and I were talking about how, perhaps, we feel so useless in what we are doing in our lives that we have to create problems for us to fix. We have to feel needed by something or someone because we don't feel needed in the world. I will come back to this later. There are also problems that we don't necessarily create, but that we allow to perpetuate. People get depressed because of the state of the world, but then it seems we perpetuate that state by not resolving the pattern in ourselves, but instead, seeing the current state as the only option and accepting that it already is how it has to be. But if we adopt the pattern in our self then we only further the pattern and further our unhappiness with the state of the world, and with ourselves.
"X's father has had a hard life; he's seen some pain, and he is starting to drink more. But its damaging to X to see his father getting drunk. And X is so scared by this image of his father getting drunk that X wants to forget it, so X goes and gets drunk too. Then X feels like shit for resorting to that which he hates in order to escape that which makes him upset."
How do we stop this pattern. There is a psychology about people that often makes them emulate what they have always seen. But there was a place where the pattern started, and it can be broken anywhere, and it can be for better or worse. I don't have the answer but I think it has to do with decisions of the individual AND of the collective...
----------------------------------------------------------------
Ben and I discussed the education system, particularly in the valley, and we noted how unhappy the majority of people here are. There is no reason this has to persist, but it will if nothing changes. We live in a beautiful place where there are so many opportunities for experiential education, and yet we are sitting in a concrete building regurgitating information, not applying it our lives, and feeling utter useless in the process.
One of the most prominent things I remember from my high school is staring out the window of a classroom at a snow-speckled Mount Si and wondering why the heck I felt like I prisoner. "The mountain is right there, it is a beautiful day, why am I inside learning the word for snow in Spanish, when I could be on the mountain experiencing it." Why couldn't we have been learning the word for snow in Spanish while playing in the snow?
It is bigger than this though because we have (maybe not purposely, but definitely) been conditioned to think of school as separate from the real world. How could this not happen when the real world is so disregarded in education? The school couldn't acknowledge the reality of the world. We couldn't even have Homecoming hallway competitions because the school became so collectively afraid of internal opposition. But then we are still encouraged to take the PSAT and try to get the highest score so we can become National Merit Scholars. If you get in a certain top percentile your picture goes right in the main hall of MSHS. Not only does that encourage competition, but it also rewards a certain learning style, or (in this case) the ability to take multiple choice exams, which is completely different than having a particularly good understanding of the material in those exams. So we are also being encouraged to figure out how to best the system such that the school gets collectively high scores, which obviously demonstrates the ability of teachers to teach, and the ability of students to learn from these teachers. That is ludicrous and its a pile of shit. I was looking through my portfolio of work from Earth Science 9th grade and I just about cried. I wasted so much of my life copying key terms word for word from the text book, because if you miss the word "is" when writing the definition for what the mantle of the earth is then you miss the point for the whole sentence. I think I remember the first time we peer graded our key terms the teacher would read the definition word for word and people would ask "what if they wrote it this way instead?" and she would say "was that exactly what I said? If not, then its wrong."
You know what I see here? An expectation that all students will learn the complexity of what something means by writing a stream of individual words, making sure it looks exactly like the book, which is completely false. An expectation that the book is correct and that if we all conform to what it says then we all must be right. Whats really going on? Laziness. The teacher doesn't have to deal with any variation. The student doesn't have to worry about developing their own way to present the definition. Basically no one is using their brain.
Now that's an extreme example, and perhaps the valley is an extreme example in general, but it is my experience, and it is the experience of thousands of students who go through the valley school system (except the lucky one's who were smart enough to go to Two Rivers, the alternative school where you are put in classes not based on grade level or graduation requirements, but on individual understanding of and interest in a particular subject).
-----------------------------------------------------------
Ok, now I seem to be contradiction myself.
A) We should stop being so caught up in the individual because we get so caught up in our own lives and forget about the rest of the struggles in the world.
B) We need to consider the individual in order to create the most effective and enjoyable method of education.
Yup. Both.
Like I was saying before, perhaps the root of so much of this unhappiness is that we don't feel necessary or useful. We desperately hold on to the boy who made us feel needed and wanted because there is nothing else that makes us feel that way (and then we get so caught up in our own unhappiness that we over-exaggerate the individual situation we are in and forget about everything or everyone else). Even if there is something else that we are interested in, we don't feel empowered to be involved because we have been copying useless things from textbooks rather than honing individual skills and working toward a place where we have the knowledge and ability to be involved, which is the very thing that could give us a greater sense of purpose, and allow us to see how trivial the "drama" really is.
If the ability to find and hone those things that really ignite our souls could be built into the education system, then school and reality wouldn't have to be so disconnected from each other. Students wouldn't feel like prisoners, wouldn't have to create drama in order to have something to work toward, and would probably be happier.
Additionally, there is a sense of community that emerges when everyone's sense of individuality is empowering to them. The person in their own self is happier because they are doing something they enjoy (eliminating the very compensation of self-consciousness that drives the diminishing of others). And because everyone is doing something individual everyone has something to share with one another. And because it is more geared to personal interests they are probably excited to share. This creates interaction and allows for connections to be made. The connections that are made (which in my experience at Evergreen are pretty much endless) will then allow students to see how each of their interests/disciplines/focuses interact and rely on each other. This creates community AND empowers individuals.
In this way it is possible to embrace individuality (which is real and important), without allowing individuality to become petty or SO individual that we forget who we rely on and who relies on us.
(Oh, this is all so very simplified and roughly laid-out, and I know that. I am just drawing the from examples I have been observing recently, most of which surround people ages 13 to 21, but assuredly extends to people of all ages.)
---------------------------------------------------
Read it again:
A Ritual to Read Each Other
If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.
For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.
And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.
And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.
For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep."
-William Stafford
-----------------------------------------------------------
There is a note to myself in my phone a while back. It says "individual liberty destroying collective liberty." This is something I want to explore further when I pick this subject back up later. It is related to this idea of entitlement too.
I don't think I can continue with these now because I have been writing for hours, there is actually homework to be done tonight, and I need some feedback before I write about this more. So I am hoping that somebody makes a thoughtful response to this post. What has it brought up for you? Do you disagree with any of it? Do you want to talk about a particular aspect in more depth? Anything else?
I can't not cry for this.
What would drive someone to cut their life short?
I do not need to ask that question, for the answer is a scar on my heart.
Scars on the skin seem to fade, but are more likely, perhaps, absorbed by the body.
Physically inflicted or emotionally, they are there.
One that says love.
One that says hate.
One that says hell.
Another is a box; a personal hell; a prison of this body and mind, of this community, of this society, of this race, of this world, of the nature of life, of everything to love and hate.
We can't just look at each other to see these scars, not unless they are displayed in bloody scars on our arms for the world to see. We hide them under clothes, through smiles and lies, in our hearts. We store them up and then we snap. Some of us do. Others fight internally for years and finally break through to something better. And others still wallow and submit themselves to the pain, and find simple pleasures that relieve just enough of the pressure to be able to fake a smile for another day. I bet many people do this without even realizing it.
I have another entry in my journal that I would like to accompany this post, but I don't think I am quite ready for the world to see it. When I am, I think that will be a huge step in my healing, but I don't think that day is today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I still have a lot more to say.
Sometimes I worry that my anger and sadness will always be more powerful than my inspiration and joy. The past few nights I have been struggling as I did for so many nights. I don't know what it is about turning off the lights and crawling into bed but its where I feel the most vulnerable to my depression, and where I always worry I am going to be consumed by it again. I stay up late to put it off because of this fear. But today, even though I am angry and sad about Cody's death and the potential/probable causes of his choice to hang himself, I also feel motivation to attack those causes in order to prevent the same in the future. And I have repeated this so many time in different ways recently, so, no need to over-explain it again. I am one who has began to break through to something else.
I was going to talk about Mount Si High School's influence on the happiness of their students, but that is another huge debate that I don't have the braincells to form a proper argument about at the moment. If you are interested at another time, I would be happy to.
Media, social standards, ect. Most, I think, would argue that this has a huge influence. Of course it varies depending on exposure, individual impressionability, ect. but it does bother me quite a bit. I went to a mall today. My sister and mom were going and I wanted to spend time with them and get out of the house a bit. Malls and I don't really get along, but I think I was decent today (didn't go around acting like a drunken vagabond this time... 10 points?). It was an experience to be in such a place. Hundreds of shops selling 10 of each of... every in-season fashion item a person could dream up, kiosks with all the accessories for iPhones that no one really needs, hurricane simulators...
wait... back up... hurricane simulators?!?! REALLY!?! Ok, that pisses me off. "Experience a phony, completely desensitized, version of what happened in New Orleans for the low price of 8 quarters!"
FUCK.
THAT.
Moving on...
The most interesting thing is the people though. I try really hard not to judge people just because they are in a mall or something like that. I'm in a mall too, maybe they were dragged there too. But seriously, I don't want to single out people and be like "what a tool." That's the opposite. Mainly I just look at the collective whole of people trying to find the sexiest thing to wear to the club, or the right perfume to match this jewelry to match this outfit to go to the opera, and I think "I really hope they don't think this is a necessity of life, or that the worst thing in the world is to not be up with the fashion trends." I really just worry for people that they have been sucked into this consumer society thinking their lives won't be complete without these things, without looking "perfect" for everyone all the time, without looking like the Hollister models. And yet, for some people, that is exactly what they think. And that is A LOT OF FUCKING PRESSURE to add to the pressure of getting perfect letter grades, to get into the perfect college, to get more important letter grades, to get a perfect job, in order to keep buying all this shit so as to maintain self-esteem, and find happiness. Its might seem like a roundabout conclusion, but too me it seems historically and presently proven that our consumer society is huge, concrete foundation of unhappiness, displeasure in oneself, constant discontent, ridicule, ect.
There are other standards, besides product consumption that add to the pressure. Rigid and discriminating religious standards, for one. Its impossible to know how many suicides are due to teenagers who feel too threatened or uncomfortable revealing their sexual orientation to the world. Or even to their own parents because they had been raised to believe that gay people are sick and wrong. I can imagine the thought process that "if my parents arent going to accept me for who I am, who will?" Also there are teens who are pressured by their parents to be athletic AND get good grades AND be model citizens AND dress a certain way AND believe certain things AND never get a chance to make decisions for themselves...
maybe they do it with grace and dignity on the outside, and maybe some are thankful to their parents about this. But certainly there are many who feel that if they fail, then they are a complete failure.
We have standards about marriage and careers and family and what a happy life is supposed to look like... and (talk about indoctrination, MSHS parents) its all a fucking joke. Divorce rates, adult suicide rates, the percentages of adults on anti-depressants?! This is what our happiness looks like.
Arg, there is so much to say and I'm getting all scatter-brained and anxious. I got so tangent-y but I just want more people to see the idiocracy of it; the malfunction and harm of this social system of expectation --of appearance, of status, of life-style; that it could drive people to inflict physical pain on themselves, or take their own lives.
These are some of my scars, bleeding for the world to see.
I don't know what Cody's were, but when he was in a coma I sent him a facebook message inviting him to share them with me when he got better...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The happiest times of my life have been when I found people with whom I could relate on a deeper level, but I'd have never found that without making myself vulnerable and sharing some of my internal pain (that wasn't always obvious) with them. My life has many times been saved by doing this, and I like to believe I have saved others in a similar vein. My deepest scars have also been a result of this vulnerability, on top of social, academic, athletic, and other pressures. Sharing yourself so completely with another person can almost never end without some amount pain, but unlike many other causes of hurt, I find there is often an equal measure of unprecedented joy through the affirmation of self that accompanies these moments of complete honesty with another soul.
"We must be open books,
to find those nooks in ourselves
and others,
that hold the secrets to happiness and truth."
That's what I am starting to believe anyway, which is why even though these things are very personal to me, and I am afraid to share them with you, I need to do it.
What would drive someone to cut their life short?
I do not need to ask that question, for the answer is a scar on my heart.
Scars on the skin seem to fade, but are more likely, perhaps, absorbed by the body.
Physically inflicted or emotionally, they are there.
One that says love.
One that says hate.
One that says hell.
Another is a box; a personal hell; a prison of this body and mind, of this community, of this society, of this race, of this world, of the nature of life, of everything to love and hate.
We can't just look at each other to see these scars, not unless they are displayed in bloody scars on our arms for the world to see. We hide them under clothes, through smiles and lies, in our hearts. We store them up and then we snap. Some of us do. Others fight internally for years and finally break through to something better. And others still wallow and submit themselves to the pain, and find simple pleasures that relieve just enough of the pressure to be able to fake a smile for another day. I bet many people do this without even realizing it.
I have another entry in my journal that I would like to accompany this post, but I don't think I am quite ready for the world to see it. When I am, I think that will be a huge step in my healing, but I don't think that day is today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I still have a lot more to say.
Sometimes I worry that my anger and sadness will always be more powerful than my inspiration and joy. The past few nights I have been struggling as I did for so many nights. I don't know what it is about turning off the lights and crawling into bed but its where I feel the most vulnerable to my depression, and where I always worry I am going to be consumed by it again. I stay up late to put it off because of this fear. But today, even though I am angry and sad about Cody's death and the potential/probable causes of his choice to hang himself, I also feel motivation to attack those causes in order to prevent the same in the future. And I have repeated this so many time in different ways recently, so, no need to over-explain it again. I am one who has began to break through to something else.
I was going to talk about Mount Si High School's influence on the happiness of their students, but that is another huge debate that I don't have the braincells to form a proper argument about at the moment. If you are interested at another time, I would be happy to.
Media, social standards, ect. Most, I think, would argue that this has a huge influence. Of course it varies depending on exposure, individual impressionability, ect. but it does bother me quite a bit. I went to a mall today. My sister and mom were going and I wanted to spend time with them and get out of the house a bit. Malls and I don't really get along, but I think I was decent today (didn't go around acting like a drunken vagabond this time... 10 points?). It was an experience to be in such a place. Hundreds of shops selling 10 of each of... every in-season fashion item a person could dream up, kiosks with all the accessories for iPhones that no one really needs, hurricane simulators...
wait... back up... hurricane simulators?!?! REALLY!?! Ok, that pisses me off. "Experience a phony, completely desensitized, version of what happened in New Orleans for the low price of 8 quarters!"
FUCK.
THAT.
Moving on...
The most interesting thing is the people though. I try really hard not to judge people just because they are in a mall or something like that. I'm in a mall too, maybe they were dragged there too. But seriously, I don't want to single out people and be like "what a tool." That's the opposite. Mainly I just look at the collective whole of people trying to find the sexiest thing to wear to the club, or the right perfume to match this jewelry to match this outfit to go to the opera, and I think "I really hope they don't think this is a necessity of life, or that the worst thing in the world is to not be up with the fashion trends." I really just worry for people that they have been sucked into this consumer society thinking their lives won't be complete without these things, without looking "perfect" for everyone all the time, without looking like the Hollister models. And yet, for some people, that is exactly what they think. And that is A LOT OF FUCKING PRESSURE to add to the pressure of getting perfect letter grades, to get into the perfect college, to get more important letter grades, to get a perfect job, in order to keep buying all this shit so as to maintain self-esteem, and find happiness. Its might seem like a roundabout conclusion, but too me it seems historically and presently proven that our consumer society is huge, concrete foundation of unhappiness, displeasure in oneself, constant discontent, ridicule, ect.
There are other standards, besides product consumption that add to the pressure. Rigid and discriminating religious standards, for one. Its impossible to know how many suicides are due to teenagers who feel too threatened or uncomfortable revealing their sexual orientation to the world. Or even to their own parents because they had been raised to believe that gay people are sick and wrong. I can imagine the thought process that "if my parents arent going to accept me for who I am, who will?" Also there are teens who are pressured by their parents to be athletic AND get good grades AND be model citizens AND dress a certain way AND believe certain things AND never get a chance to make decisions for themselves...
maybe they do it with grace and dignity on the outside, and maybe some are thankful to their parents about this. But certainly there are many who feel that if they fail, then they are a complete failure.
We have standards about marriage and careers and family and what a happy life is supposed to look like... and (talk about indoctrination, MSHS parents) its all a fucking joke. Divorce rates, adult suicide rates, the percentages of adults on anti-depressants?! This is what our happiness looks like.
Arg, there is so much to say and I'm getting all scatter-brained and anxious. I got so tangent-y but I just want more people to see the idiocracy of it; the malfunction and harm of this social system of expectation --of appearance, of status, of life-style; that it could drive people to inflict physical pain on themselves, or take their own lives.
These are some of my scars, bleeding for the world to see.
I don't know what Cody's were, but when he was in a coma I sent him a facebook message inviting him to share them with me when he got better...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The happiest times of my life have been when I found people with whom I could relate on a deeper level, but I'd have never found that without making myself vulnerable and sharing some of my internal pain (that wasn't always obvious) with them. My life has many times been saved by doing this, and I like to believe I have saved others in a similar vein. My deepest scars have also been a result of this vulnerability, on top of social, academic, athletic, and other pressures. Sharing yourself so completely with another person can almost never end without some amount pain, but unlike many other causes of hurt, I find there is often an equal measure of unprecedented joy through the affirmation of self that accompanies these moments of complete honesty with another soul.
"We must be open books,
to find those nooks in ourselves
and others,
that hold the secrets to happiness and truth."
That's what I am starting to believe anyway, which is why even though these things are very personal to me, and I am afraid to share them with you, I need to do it.
something I wrote stood out.
like thoughts stand out.
and people.
someone I want to be.
or want to be like.
or want to be liked.
or want them to be alike.
they are.
quite.
quite different. the two paths.
the two halves.
of the moon.
make a full moon.
no moon.
new moon.
its too soon.
you're too far.
to get to.
ahh, the sky was so blue.
tonight. at twilight.
you might.
laugh.
but I'm not kidding.
i stepped out of the building that held my day
and looked across the lights.
the trees.
the distance.
it was dark.
ish.
it was bright.
bright blue.
bluer than I'd seen.
unless.
I had never noticed.
what a sight not to see.
the blue beyond the trees.
the you beyond the me.
hmph.
who is she? ["am I in love with just a theme?"]
in the picture?
in the mirror?
in the window.
out of mind.
out of my mind.
out of this time.
out of time.
["Somewhere across the sea of time, a love immortal just like mine will come to me eternally. Immortal she, return to me."]
like thoughts stand out.
and people.
someone I want to be.
or want to be like.
or want to be liked.
or want them to be alike.
they are.
quite.
quite different. the two paths.
the two halves.
of the moon.
make a full moon.
no moon.
new moon.
its too soon.
you're too far.
to get to.
ahh, the sky was so blue.
tonight. at twilight.
you might.
laugh.
but I'm not kidding.
i stepped out of the building that held my day
and looked across the lights.
the trees.
the distance.
it was dark.
ish.
it was bright.
bright blue.
bluer than I'd seen.
unless.
I had never noticed.
what a sight not to see.
the blue beyond the trees.
the you beyond the me.
hmph.
who is she? ["am I in love with just a theme?"]
in the picture?
in the mirror?
in the window.
out of mind.
out of my mind.
out of this time.
out of time.
["Somewhere across the sea of time, a love immortal just like mine will come to me eternally. Immortal she, return to me."]
"2 am and I'm still awake writing a song. If I get it all down on paper its no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to."
...or not
...an excess of thought
...not enough time in a day
...too much to say
...overheat
...left on repeat
ask me
throw me into the sky to find out why I am
this is dis[torted]
diction
[ad]diction
[contra]diction
fiction.
like dreams
[insight into life beyond the stars we see]
but not for me.
reality.
is hard.
soft
strange
slight change.
I'm
insane.
insom[niac].
[oh Sleep, pull me down with force, so I can see a new day and smile once again.]
...or not
...an excess of thought
...not enough time in a day
...too much to say
...overheat
...left on repeat
ask me
throw me into the sky to find out why I am
this is dis[torted]
diction
[ad]diction
[contra]diction
fiction.
like dreams
[insight into life beyond the stars we see]
but not for me.
reality.
is hard.
soft
strange
slight change.
I'm
insane.
insom[niac].
[oh Sleep, pull me down with force, so I can see a new day and smile once again.]
