So... we had studio today, and I found out some of my ants had died.

:......(

I discovered the dead ants right before our lunch break and I just sat there feeling guilty and shitty and wondering if I should just put the rest of them back out in their nest so they can live out the rest of their lives. I figured that I didn't need to continue with the ants because there is now grass growing in the container (the ants weren't eating the blue grass seed, and apparently it was a good environment for that to grow), and I could call that my "living thing."

When all hope seemed lost (!!!) for the continuance of my ant farming endeavors, I remembered that when I had emailed the insect expert, John Longino (who I regrettably hadn't met with yet), he told me that I could meet him at lunch on Thursday. I thought... "ugg, they aren't gonna live another week!" but... brilliantly IT IS THURSDAY! And lunchtime! So I realized this and picked up my ant farm, cradling it carefully, trying not to shake it much, and went to see John! Man... he couldn't have been cooler! He was so helpful! He loved my ant farm design, and told me all sorts of neat things about ants and how to keep the workers alive without a queen (if you want to know, ask me... i know it seems impossible to find elsewhere on the internet, but I am too lazy to write it out right now). So he was telling me all this stuff and we were having a great conversation that almost made me cry because... the man speaks my language, dude; he thinks like me. But he knows all these things I don't, and I have so many amazing things to think about just after talking to him for 20 minutes. And just when I thought I couldn't get anymore emotional in that circumstance....
BRENDON walks in. OMFG that kid is like THE COOLEST. AHH, I wish I could explain it. Along the lines of Steve Erwin except... well... not. But he just knows so much and is so passionate about plants and animals and insects and people and EVERYTHING, and I totally thought he had left Evergreen so I haven't thought about him for like over 6 months. But he was there! And he totally remembered me and didn't let me hug him until he took is "nasty" lab coat off. But it made me so happy. And he was really into my ant farm too and even said "I've been trying to do this for so long!" which was like the best compliment ever coming from him. We all talked about ants for a while and then I realized how fucking hungry I was. So I kept thanking John over and over. I was just so thankful to have met him! I went to put my ant farm back in the studio. Then on the way down from the studio I ran into ROB (not Robb). And that was stellar cause I hadn't seen him since I'd been back either. We chatted til he had to go to class. I went to get cash out of the ATM so I could eat at the Flaming Eggplant. I ended up buying a green tomato from the Farmer's Market booth on the way back. That was delicious. Got fritter-fratters (potato and beat "french fries) at the Eggplant and saw a bunch of people from our class sitting around a few tables. I sat by Wolfgang, and we talked about how class was helping us develop skills in our respective interests. He's a neat person too; very soft-spoken, but quite brilliant and super thoughtful.

Went back to class to do sketching and plan out our final wallet prototype. Damn, I love this school.

There is so much more I need to say! But my fingers are freezing, and I'm really antsy (hahahahahahhaha, get it?) so I am going to run up to the studio with some sugar water and a camera so I can feed my ants (now get it?) something they can actually consume and take pictures of their tunneling progress. Then I need to actually do my homework instead of blogging like I've been doing intermittently for a couple hours (mostly composing my next post for the Student Architecture site, and it should be posted tonight... with the new pics!)

she tried to focus on how to give him the help he wanted. she looked at the words searching for her thoughts. he doesn't look back down at the paper. he feels vulnerable, but not just because he had just shared a written account of his life story with someone, but because the way she spoke helped him realize the truth of what he wanted to become. they both knew where he was coming from, and how he got to where he is, and his constant struggle with identity. she seemed so strong in herself, speaking softly but surely. he couldn't stop staring at her, wondering what she was thinking about his paper, or what she thought about the past and the person that brought it into being.

"my serenity is rippled, not ruffled"

"nothing can make life a burden to me"

"it seems i were more favored by the gods than they"

"no place could ever be strange to me again"

nothing.
er...
what we learn, amounts to nothing if we do not pay attention to how we use it and to how it becomes an actor in our lives.

BREAK

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We meet at short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value of each other. We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war." (from Walden)

And instead we wage it silently, or all to often to the wrong person in the wrong forum, and without enough forethought. "...this double-ness may easily make us poor neighbors and friends sometimes." We do not reflect on whether our language accurately represents the truth, or if it is merely an easy way to hold interesting conversation. We do not reflect long enough on what we know in out hearts before we say the words aloud that we can't unsay. And the perceptions we create by this speaking before thinking is what perpetuates these misunderstandings and complications. They have been perpetuated to the point that our lives seem boring and empty without them, and so we begin to purposely create falsities (which accumulates with those occurring naturally, as before). When something is simple, there is no need to complicate it. When something is already complicated, why make it more so? I guess what I am trying to say is this:

"If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep."
-William Stafford

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RETURN

Remember what you learned:
do not prevent. ALLOW. Allow the things to happen as they will. BUT that is not all we know. although we do not wield control over all things, and although we must be open, and ALLOW, we must also be aware, and acknowledge our role in the sequence of play. part of this is active, and part is passive. part is reaction, part is reflection. part is internal, and part is external.

the internal anger will only repeat the cycle. know when to use your voice to throw the pattern off, and create something new.

focus! remember. you do not need reminders. they are in your heart.
just relax.
just allow.
just speak when it is your time... no sooner, no later.
don't be so concerned with that. it is not concerned with you.

boundaries. in solitude there is much to speak of. in singularity there is power. and in cooperation, there is something. you will get there.

breath.
live.
it is simple. you over-think.
it is fun. it is funny.
love. nothing can destroy that. questions do not apply. it is. do. feel.

we've discussed the problems with external. we misconstrue meaning. we lose truth in word. but...
TRY
this is both. and we must. always. it is what we have. there is nothing more, except to fade. and we have been there.

there is more. it is less.

it is fucking 4 am, that's what it is.

giant cycles.

[this has been done before]

creation

when you burn with intent to char the chains, careful the smoke doesn't poison the air, or the ash taint the water.

age of day
strange of way
page your say
wage your fray



its all misunderstood
or misunderstandings
or something...
and you don't understand me,
my expression, my plea.

my words sound absurd and obscure
but
i'll play with these--
as long as i live
as much as i please...

if i don't
cage it at bay
it will all drift away.


we are barely aware of its
peaking before sinking
under the honest violence of the sea.

it just couldn't stand it anymore:
attempting to be something it just isn't.
the pressure it felt neared a point of destruction.
it had to let go.
and in letting go, it found that it was both,
and that it was beautiful either way.

i just wanted someone to understand...
that's it.

I'm soooo sick of people.
and lonely too.



My ants seem happier today though...

I had a crazy dream about Tony last night. I don't remember much of it but the feeling and tone about it. I remember spending time at his house and talking to Gaby (and Livvy?) and Sue.

and I'm running out of reasons to stay.


Fuck, I miss Pisco today.

PISCO SIN FRONTERAS NEWSLETTER!!

I am building my ant farm. I know this seems stupid, but I am really sad to lock the ants up in a small container. I want them to have a good life. I guess that is what this assignment is about: stewardship. How far I am willing to take my design in order to give these ants the best captive life possible. Right now it is small and simple. I have a week to make it better, and then actually find the little guys who it is going to be better for.

I think the reason I got so hooked on the idea of an ant farm is because I have never really liked ants. I don't mind one here or there, but when they are in large groups it always really grosses me out. That fact makes this assignment more important, because I am taking care of something I don't like to look at as much as I would like to see a fish or a plant every day. At the same time, even though I don't even have the ants yet, I feel very protective of them and I don't want anything bad to happen to them.

I have this really vivid memory from the end of Sophomore year. It was right before Tony broke up with me. Tony and I were the only ones to show up for Jackie S's BBQ and so we went on an adventure in the woods. By the time we got out we were all exhausted and angry at each other. I don't remember if Jackie left, but at least Tony and I sat on a curb in the setting sun. I was laying down and watching this ant crawl in front of me. His shadow was hugely exaggerated by the low sun angle and I was wondering if he felt that big, if he was afraid of me, where he was going...
I might have pointed to the ant, but somehow Tony became aware of it and seemingly out of anger toward me he took his big boot and stomped on the ant until it was dead. I know... it was only an ant, but I felt devastated by what he had done. It was the moment, and my thoughts, and his anger, and the meaning behind his action. A little tiny fissure was made right there in the integrity of our relationship, and that I ignored for years after --even though he solidified it in himself no more than a week later. Eh... you know the rest of that story.

Anyway, I don't know why I needed to write about that. Perhaps because I never have before, and it is something I think about periodically. The point is, I don't want anything dying because of me, or for me. I try to tell myself there is nothing I could have done to save that dog in Peru, but what if I had tried harder? What if I had gotten something loud to come out of my mouth, or if I had gotten my feet to move to try to stop that truck? I don't think those questions will ever leave me. And I will certainly never forget that moving picture of what happened next. When it comes up in my mind, I work hard to avert my thoughts. But I can't shake the thought that it was partially my fault, even if realistically anything I would have done wouldn't have changed the fact that he was going to die soon. He could hardly walk or think because of how malnourished he was.

Oh man, this got wayyyy off track.

On a happier note, Tyler suggested for my prototype I should draw ants and tape them on the container. I did that, and they are super cute! Soon I will have real ant-guys crawling around in there, hopefully happily!

(Oh, and I am aware that I am disgustingly corny sometimes. End author's note.)

some of my relationships need more of it
and some need far less.

the answer to "life, the universe, and everything" is the translation of the binary 101010 which is today's date!

i feel like there should be some lyrics to describe how i feel right now. but they are all either too happy or too sad. its been a fucking strange day and i need to get to sleep.


homework in heaps tomorrow.

Tonight is a weird one. I am alone, and I want to be. Except, it's nights like these that I wish I had a best friend. I don't mean to diminish any of the amazing friendships that I experience daily. Sometimes I just wish I had a mirror-me to talk to (so I suppose that is why I write so often). But that isn't really what I want. I'd like someone who is perfect to be with. (Which doesn't make sense to want because... its unrealistic). Well, fuck. I am not explaining myself very well. I just want to feel natural with someone and...ugg, it is so rare for me to feel that way. I want someone to just BE around and have that be enough, for me and for them.

Lizzy and I hung out all afternoon. After Andean Roots ended last Spring she stayed in Peru, and upon reading my blog, Pisco became her new destination. So she went and ended up staying for 5 weeks. So since school started she and I have been trying to find a time to hang out, look at pictures from Pisco, and swap stories. It was so wonderful to talk to someone who had been there. And to have someone ask me about my experience with such interest and understanding. Her stories were wonderful. Hil

Carolyn is coming back to Oly for the night. She is going to stop by quickly before meeting up with Ari and the guys at her place. I am glad to get to see her.

It's raining
and I just keep listening to the same music.

I am overwhelmed!!! Big surprise right?!?! But my brain is still in a fairly decent place, so that is a positive. I can feel myself slipping a bit though; some things are really eating at me.

Tutoring is becoming more of a commitment than I anticipated. I should be doing the work now, while I'm on the clock, instead of blogging. But my mind is full and at some point I need to actually reflect, and write for me. I love tutoring, but yesterday reminded me how difficult it can be. Other than the time commitment I am remembering the emotional input that is required for success in a session to happen. And it's a balancing act too: my emotions should not be completely invested in a session, but they should be present, along with passion, attention, and personality.

For now, I just need to get my shit sorted and do some planning before this and everything else starts bearing down on my happiness.


Things:

WC-
*Start prototype blog site for tutors.
*Brainstorm publicity. Bookmark design. Poster design.
*Update tutor log after each session.
*Complete weekly tutor-intern meeting.
*Work on Inkwell article.

DGF-
*Bring sketchbook, pencil, tracing paper (3 sheets), ruler (centimeters/inches), drafting triangle to class. Tomorrow.
*Drawings: 3 man-made, large sheet. 3 natural, large sheet. By Thursday.
*Read case study. Respond. Share ideas. Revise response. By Thursday night.
*Finish reading Ritual House (1st half). Respond on Work Log sheet. By Friday.
*Look for materials for Greening the Studio project. Brainstorm ideas for material use. Choose organism. Do sketches. Create prototype. By Monday.
*Read Materials and the Environment. Do worksheet. By next Wednesday.
*Read Ritual House (2nd half). Respond on Work Log sheet. By next Friday.
*Rethink 'Greening' project based on feedback (from next Tuesday). Create final. By next, next Monday.


I know even once I get these things done, more will have been started, and more yet will come. I must find a balance. Homework parties are positive situations if I can maintain my focus and motivation is mutual. Going to Sizizis for late-night refreshments will help. Movies on the weekends. Breaks for climbing. Running? (I've felt like running all day). Oh, and sleep does wonders. As does good food --THE FLAMING EGGPLANT IS OPEN, which reminds me that I need to do a cash withdrawal so I can actually eat there. And there are various other personal things to be done ASAP, not the least of which is finding an eye doctor (that accepts our insurance?), getting an appointment, and getting an update prescription for contacts and frames for glasses. Without that I am going to run out of contacts soon, I won't be able to see anything, and then everything else will fall to pieces.

And I'm rambling. But it feels good to off-load. Now back to work.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing
Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground...

ITS THE WEEKEND!

Man so much has been going on...
So there is class! OMFG
and then seeing all the people from Andean Roots who I haven't seen since Peru.
And seeing all the people from other parts of Evergreen who I haven't seen since before Peru.
The boys got jobs at the climbing gym, and I got to go in and help them a bit with set-up.
And... yea.
lots more, but meh...........

I'm hardly ever at my place. I sleep here, but that's about it. With the occasional break between class and something else where I need to drop something off.

Met a cool guy today. Robb. It was a strange meeting/adventure which led to meeting another friend Willis, and then all 6 of us going to Vic's Pizza with Ty, Eric and Carolyn. And then there was drawing mustaches, an endeavor that continued when we got back to the HP house where Zach and Ari were. But between that we went to a park and did swinging, and climbing on structures and epic-ness.

And it was a long-ass week which is to be followed by a long-ass, crazy-ass weekend, and further followed by a longer and crazier week when I start tutoring ON TOP OF this amazing, wonderful, but pressure-full class. Point being, I need to go to sleep, and may or may not actually have time to form an interesting, thoughtful blog for a while.

<3's though.

Oh...
Got an email from Madelyn today. She is my soul mate and I love her.

Alex bought a huge sketch book today!??!
Alex has been DRAWING every day for the past 3 days?!



Oh, and Tony Danger Coiro has officially gone viral!

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2010/09/30/purdue_student_turns_old_suzuki_into_solar_ride/

Happy 19th birthday Becca!

We had a surprise party for her, and I think she had a really good day.

I head back to Oly tomorrow. Im so ready to get going with school again. So ready to be out of the house. And so not. I hate splitting up my life. I hate leaving my family. But I love school so much. I love going to Evergreen. I love ridiculousness with the girls, climbing with the guys, tutoring, being on campus, doing stuff in the city. I am so freaking stoked for the school year. But the leaving part sucks. I am really not stoked to say goodbye to my mom tomorrow.

Anyway,
blah blah blah
whine whine whine.
And its only an hour drive home, or 2 hour bus ride to Seattle, and Skype is free. So yeeeeeea.

But girly hormones suck today, and I'm exhausted, so I'm fitty and oversensitive and angry.

Oh, but Mocha cuddled with me today. That hasn't happened for a very long time and it made me smile. :)

Music I'm feeling today:
Kurt Cobain - About a Girl
David Bowie - Rebel Rebel

Random things:

This morning I was singing (way out of my range, but I had the house to myself so I decided to go for it) and after a while it felt as though my voice was stronger. Maybe I was just warmed up? Anyway, it was nice to sing. But it actually made me feel kinda sick...

The other day, Mom and I were driving into Seattle listening to the radio and a Jack Johnson song was playing. Then suddenly it started skipping. Not really like a CD does, more like a broken record, and it played this one line over and over and over and over. The DJ obviously wasn't paying attention cause it just kept going until we couldn't handle waiting anymore and decided to change the channel.

Also, a couple of days ago Mom and I went climbing at the feature in NB (I seriously need to come up with a nick name for that thing) and it was literally one of the best climbing days of my life. I feel like I just had a lot of power in my body, and control over my moves. Honestly, I am going to have to credit Daft Punk's Alive for some of that. Damn, that is good climbing music. Anything like that: Daft Punk, some of deadmau5's more upbeat stuff, Pendulum (Tempest, The Island), ect.; things that make me really wanna move all work. And I use to climb (and snowboard) to Jack Johnson because it is so relaxing. But right now I feel like my body gets tired out really easy unless I keep the adrenalin going, which "house/electronic" music does for me. So yea, later that day at the wall I saw Christi. We had also run into each other at the local music thing Tony and Dana played at. Although we talked there I had no idea she was a climber but I was super excited when I saw her. Mom was done climbing so Christi and I exchanged techniques and routes for a while. She showed me how to go over the arch! And I showed her some things I was working on. We seem to be climbing at a similar level. Wish she was going to Evergreen or something cause even though its good to be pushed by climbing with the guys and, it is nice to be able to share skills too, and know something that someone else doesn't. I think its been helping to work with my mom, that way. She wants me to explain how I would do a certain move and it makes me think about it more explicitly and break down my movements, as well as focus on how my individual limbs are moving. I hadn't realized how natural some things had started to feel.

I've been going to lots of book stores lately and the three sections I could live in are Climbing, Vegetarian Cooking, and Architecture/Appropriate Technology/DIY.

Two of my school books have come in the mail! They are so cool. I don't think I have ever been so stoked for a class/school as I am right now. Or as nervous. BUT I hung out with Matt the other day and we went to Schezuan (where I cheated on my Vegi-ness), and we went to a book store (naturally, as I was obsessing about books), and then he showed me how to do a perspective drawing. I had to do one, and it was super frustrating, but I learned so much!


And now
I am being ridiculous and listening to Enrique Iglesias.
Bah,
I am tired and hungry. Thanks for reading these sporadic things I wanted to type out.

I'm anxious to get back to school,

but I really don't want to leave my family again.

:/

I can't not cry for this.
What would drive someone to cut their life short?



I do not need to ask that question, for the answer is a scar on my heart.

Scars on the skin seem to fade, but are more likely, perhaps, absorbed by the body.
Physically inflicted or emotionally, they are there.

One that says love.
One that says hate.
One that says hell.
Another is a box; a personal hell; a prison of this body and mind, of this community, of this society, of this race, of this world, of the nature of life, of everything to love and hate.

We can't just look at each other to see these scars, not unless they are displayed in bloody scars on our arms for the world to see. We hide them under clothes, through smiles and lies, in our hearts. We store them up and then we snap. Some of us do. Others fight internally for years and finally break through to something better. And others still wallow and submit themselves to the pain, and find simple pleasures that relieve just enough of the pressure to be able to fake a smile for another day. I bet many people do this without even realizing it.

I have another entry in my journal that I would like to accompany this post, but I don't think I am quite ready for the world to see it. When I am, I think that will be a huge step in my healing, but I don't think that day is today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I still have a lot more to say.

Sometimes I worry that my anger and sadness will always be more powerful than my inspiration and joy. The past few nights I have been struggling as I did for so many nights. I don't know what it is about turning off the lights and crawling into bed but its where I feel the most vulnerable to my depression, and where I always worry I am going to be consumed by it again. I stay up late to put it off because of this fear. But today, even though I am angry and sad about Cody's death and the potential/probable causes of his choice to hang himself, I also feel motivation to attack those causes in order to prevent the same in the future. And I have repeated this so many time in different ways recently, so, no need to over-explain it again. I am one who has began to break through to something else.

I was going to talk about Mount Si High School's influence on the happiness of their students, but that is another huge debate that I don't have the braincells to form a proper argument about at the moment. If you are interested at another time, I would be happy to.

Media, social standards, ect. Most, I think, would argue that this has a huge influence. Of course it varies depending on exposure, individual impressionability, ect. but it does bother me quite a bit. I went to a mall today. My sister and mom were going and I wanted to spend time with them and get out of the house a bit. Malls and I don't really get along, but I think I was decent today (didn't go around acting like a drunken vagabond this time... 10 points?). It was an experience to be in such a place. Hundreds of shops selling 10 of each of... every in-season fashion item a person could dream up, kiosks with all the accessories for iPhones that no one really needs, hurricane simulators...
wait... back up... hurricane simulators?!?! REALLY!?! Ok, that pisses me off. "Experience a phony, completely desensitized, version of what happened in New Orleans for the low price of 8 quarters!"

FUCK.
THAT.

Moving on...

The most interesting thing is the people though. I try really hard not to judge people just because they are in a mall or something like that. I'm in a mall too, maybe they were dragged there too. But seriously, I don't want to single out people and be like "what a tool." That's the opposite. Mainly I just look at the collective whole of people trying to find the sexiest thing to wear to the club, or the right perfume to match this jewelry to match this outfit to go to the opera, and I think "I really hope they don't think this is a necessity of life, or that the worst thing in the world is to not be up with the fashion trends." I really just worry for people that they have been sucked into this consumer society thinking their lives won't be complete without these things, without looking "perfect" for everyone all the time, without looking like the Hollister models. And yet, for some people, that is exactly what they think. And that is A LOT OF FUCKING PRESSURE to add to the pressure of getting perfect letter grades, to get into the perfect college, to get more important letter grades, to get a perfect job, in order to keep buying all this shit so as to maintain self-esteem, and find happiness. Its might seem like a roundabout conclusion, but too me it seems historically and presently proven that our consumer society is huge, concrete foundation of unhappiness, displeasure in oneself, constant discontent, ridicule, ect.

There are other standards, besides product consumption that add to the pressure. Rigid and discriminating religious standards, for one. Its impossible to know how many suicides are due to teenagers who feel too threatened or uncomfortable revealing their sexual orientation to the world. Or even to their own parents because they had been raised to believe that gay people are sick and wrong. I can imagine the thought process that "if my parents arent going to accept me for who I am, who will?" Also there are teens who are pressured by their parents to be athletic AND get good grades AND be model citizens AND dress a certain way AND believe certain things AND never get a chance to make decisions for themselves...

maybe they do it with grace and dignity on the outside, and maybe some are thankful to their parents about this. But certainly there are many who feel that if they fail, then they are a complete failure.

We have standards about marriage and careers and family and what a happy life is supposed to look like... and (talk about indoctrination, MSHS parents) its all a fucking joke. Divorce rates, adult suicide rates, the percentages of adults on anti-depressants?! This is what our happiness looks like.


Arg, there is so much to say and I'm getting all scatter-brained and anxious. I got so tangent-y but I just want more people to see the idiocracy of it; the malfunction and harm of this social system of expectation --of appearance, of status, of life-style; that it could drive people to inflict physical pain on themselves, or take their own lives.

These are some of my scars, bleeding for the world to see.

I don't know what Cody's were, but when he was in a coma I sent him a facebook message inviting him to share them with me when he got better...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The happiest times of my life have been when I found people with whom I could relate on a deeper level, but I'd have never found that without making myself vulnerable and sharing some of my internal pain (that wasn't always obvious) with them. My life has many times been saved by doing this, and I like to believe I have saved others in a similar vein. My deepest scars have also been a result of this vulnerability, on top of social, academic, athletic, and other pressures. Sharing yourself so completely with another person can almost never end without some amount pain, but unlike many other causes of hurt, I find there is often an equal measure of unprecedented joy through the affirmation of self that accompanies these moments of complete honesty with another soul.


"We must be open books,
to find those nooks in ourselves
and others,
that hold the secrets to happiness and truth."

That's what I am starting to believe anyway, which is why even though these things are very personal to me, and I am afraid to share them with you, I need to do it.

So Carolyn, Ari and I are going to Deadmau5. If you wanna come lemme know.

is all
I want
for my birthday.
Show is on Oct. 13th

I will buy my ticket.
The present part would just be a ride to and from Oly (I will help with gas)
and a friend or two or three who would buy tickets for themselves and go with me!
The major problem is that the show doesn't end til midnight and I'd need to be back in Oly for class the next day, so we'd probably need to drive back that night. But it will be fun because we will be riding a high from dancing our asses off at probably the best dance party of our lives.

I found the cheapest tickets, $45 (including shipping). This much cheaper pre-sale ends Sept 21st so let me know asap if you are interested in this plan.

"To be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred, or valuable. To be negative at all times is to be threatened by ridiculousness and instant discreditably."
-Kurt Cobain
from his published journals which I started reading at Caitlin's house. Need to finish that at some point.

I'm not religious or patriotic, but to honor and hope for, not just US troops or those people who died in the planes and buildings, but ALL people ALL OVER THE WORLD who have been/will be affected by the events leading up to, during, and in response to this day in 2001: "Let prayers be said for the fallen, let tolerance and diversity be the lesson, and let love and peace be in the hearts of all." (a paraphrase of Kylie Stevens)

I'm done playing games. That's all.

I would do anything for you, but there is nothing I can do. To love is all the help I can give, and its the only cure for the hatred that still seems to creep into my heart and start beating out, in force, through my veins. It's all somewhat forced for now, except in those separate special moments where happiness is the only thing that exists and it exists only for pure and natural beauty. Forced? That's not it. It's just that I have this battle in my head, and the darkness fights lightness with such greater voracity and conviction, and sometimes it is only when I consciously take control that I can beat it back.

This isn't all always true. Sometimes, its just the opposite.

"This love of dichotomy (the dichotomy of love) -of light and dark- I both fear and embrace, and I know I will never escape by fighting, nor could I banish it through will alone. The way the gray plays into colors, enriching the scene, and enchanting me with its contrast to the golden sun, I believe that a no more beautiful sight I could delight to see."

Just thoughts... that may or may not have any true meaning. I guess I can reinforce, at this point, that I have few real convictions. And those I do have are constantly in question, even if I unwaveringly live by them.


Someone wrote me something:

oh and today I finally got myself to drop my Spanish class. A bit heartbroken but it sorta came down to a choice between taking it or having time to sleep (and maybe even socialize). Sleep is good, apparently.

Plus, I can practice my Spanish with Eric (and Tyler?), who'll be learning. And I can work on climbing vocab I learned in Peru during climbing, and the tool vocab from PSF during modeling/building, and the verb tenses throughout it all... So hopefully I will still be learning and improving that skill even without the class.


I need to buy my books, preferably before I leave tomorrow, so I can have them on time and maybe even early. I feel like I have a bit of prep to do to be really ready to take this DGF class.

passing out now...

is how I'm feeling.
I think I need to see a doctor.

Off to Oregon tomorrow? Kinda wish that wasn't happening. I need a break from movement.

first things first...

CAKE LADY [Fabiola] HAS A FUCKING FACEBOOK! YES!!! Oh gosh I miss you, Pisco, even more now. Talking about it today with people just made me so excited to have found it. So, maybe I won't end up detailing all I have to say, but I'm kinda in a typing mood. And away we go.

Tonight, I begrudgingly went to this sort of impromptu local music show at The Nursery where many people from high school were going to be performing. I sorta anticipated a high-school reunion type feel, and wasn't looking forward to that, but Dana invited me and since I was dying to see her (hadn't since March) I knew I needed to go. But I also knew Tony was going to be there, and I can't deny that it still makes me nervous to see him. Mainly, I was bothered because I have been so happy and Tony was there during (and was the cause of) much of my unhappiness. The last time I had seen him was last November over Thanksgiving Break which on top of being the worst period of my life I proceeded to have one of the most painful interactions with him of our very long, ever-more sparse, but always intensely emotional relationship. So sitting there waiting, I was almost anticipating that his re-appearance into my life would shatter all these things in myself that have allowed me to feel so much better.
I mean, in recent years we have texted each other on occasion, generally when he needed consoling or advice, or when I felt like reminding him that he is always loved and thought of, and those interactions are always good. And we had one phone convo on the car ride from Georgia to WV (when he was in NY) which was probably one of the most relaxed I've been with him, or with anything associated to his name, since I was 16. So I had the memory of that conversation to keep my heart-rate down while the first bands played. I had Dana too and it was great to see her. She didn't seem quite as excited to see me, but I figured she was just nervous for her performance. I hung out with her and Noelle (who looks great now) and a couple people I never really got to know from high school. Minority Child played. This is a very unique grungy band made up of 2 guys from my graduating class (Bryan and Dylan) and then a guy who I think is the guitarist's younger brother. Dylan is incredible on guitar and all of their music captivates you because it almost never repeats itself. Its sorta like they just get up there and jam.

Tony showed. We gave each other a great hug and so I stopped worrying so much. He played. A couple OCMS songs and one other. Maybe I can just read him better than most people, or maybe it was blatantly obvious, but he was super nervous. He did well though. I mean, he used to sing me songs in Spanish and I remember he had a very nice voice. But even though I knew, I swear, if I wasn't looking straight at him I wouldn't have believed it was him. He was dang good. Just nervous. And I was thinking about him as I watched him, knowing his dreams, to be an artist... to be a musician and just hoping so hard that somehow he gets out of this valley and does it for himself. He could be so great. He already is great... he just doesn't know what to do with it... how to project it. Almost like he is afraid of his potential.

After his set he disappeared for a while but then came and found me and sat next to me on the bench. It was nice that he sorta just gave all his attention to talking to me. I mean, he did most of the talking, but its just cool that even though all his friends were there he still made time to catch up. We talked about Peru, his family, his job, his plans for college, and his nerves on stage. He said he was really antsy, and he thought he didn't do his best, and he wished he felt comfortable enough to sing loudly like he does with his friends...

It's hard for me to not say anything... to not tell him that I know he is good enough... to belt it out... to do whatever it is he wants to do.

----------------------

Anyway I watched some more people perform while the sun went down behind us, and dark and cold crept in around us. The stage was dimly lit, tiki torches were set ablaze, string lights brightened the potluck area. I felt settled, calm, and happy that I had come. During one of the sets I talked to Christi who I only know through Tony's sister. She had really grown up and we had a great conversation about her desire to become a horticulturalist.

Then Dana played with some friends, and holy fuck... I too easily forget how talented people are. She blew my mind with her voice and songwriting. I loved hearing her perform.

After that some older people played. I listened some but decided to wander over to the refreshment table where I said hi to Bryan, and then saw Sean Byrnes. This is someone who I love to death and who I really wish was in my life more than he is. He goes to Fairhaven (as did his brother) and is loving it. While I was talking to him I looked over and saw a guy wearing an Evergreen shirt. Couldn't place him at first but then I realized it was Alex Hazelmann (Alex Olson's ex) who is going to be in my program next year. So we all talked about Fairhaven and Evergreen. Sean and I talked about our respective travels abroad (he to Costa Rica), and how much we each are loving our unconventional educations. Haze got super excited hearing us talk about it, and Bryan said that he was saving up to go to EG too.

Dominic (who I really didn't know in high school) started playing as we talked. We went over to enjoy. At one point he played a song about a girl that he loved drowning. It took me about halfway through to realize it was probably about Tess. Then I remembered very vague images of him on stage in the auditorium trying to speak through tears during her memorial service. As he played, I sat back from the stage and after a while my eyes kept being drawn to a particularly bright spot at the top of Mount Si. It kept getting brighter as he played and finally peaked over the mountain once Dom's set was over, and it was time for Dana to drive me home.

------------------------

My initial nerves and apprehension about the night came out of habit. There is a pattern (much less prevalent now) I have always lived by, in mind and action. The simplest way to put it is self-consciousness. Probably everyone deals with it, but to the degree I've let it control me and hurt me? I haven't been able to figure out if it is normal or not; if other people just have stronger methods of coping with it, hiding it, or ignoring it. I don't know how to say this, but I think in shedding the shadows that held me so far under for so long, I found a new layer of myself. I guess you could call this one confidence. I feel good about the person I am. I don't want to hide it anymore. I don't really even feel like there's much of anything to hide.

One of the singers tonight, an older one, said "I wrote this song back in the angry part of life." Everyone laughed. "You know? Back when you were feisty and and always fighting something?"

I guess he comment helped me organize some of the thoughts I'd been having. First I thought about my "angry part of life" and remembered how I believed it would last forever. That the only way to escape it was death. I believed I knew too much injustice and shit about the world to be a happy person. I guessed I could temporarily escape it by using drinking or smoking to ignore it, and to punish myself (the health of my body) because I was a part of the injustice. It scares me to think about what would have happened if I ended up going down that road. Suicide probably; I was already so close to that edge. I had seen people go to these substances to escape, and I had seen them get better for a bit, and then just crash, and continuously spiral even lower. I knew I wasn't going to be happy, but I also knew I didn't want to go there. I guess my strong will I can thank for that. I was spiraling, but I was doing it in my mind, and not physically. (Well... I can't say that... There was a physical aspect. Multiples, maybe. I can't explain why the one I chose was okay with me, while I have always seen drugs and alcohol as out of the question. In my mind, the intention is the same. Maybe not. I do not have the mind of an alcoholic, nor even a person who desires to drink. I have only had the impulse on a few occasions, and I know what I felt, but I obviously cannot speak for everyone. Anyway, I supposed I did what I did because my mind had been conditioned by me and my surroundings to reject the more obvious methods of escape/self-harm.) Anyway, I could only try to explain what happened that changed things for me. And again, maybe I am too quick to refer to it this way... as though now things are different for me. They are, but indefinitely because I can't pretend I fully understand my mind or the depression that found host in it, but I can confidently say that I feel immensely better now.

The second thing I thought of (after the performer made that comment) was that maybe most people go through that anger and guilt; they rebel against the rules and the norms and the injustices on themselves and the things that piss them off. And then they grow up, get out of the valley, escape the drama, find independence, do whatever, and become content. They anger is placated by the relative calm/norm of their lives. For me, that is what scared me so much about happiness: complacency. I never wanted to be a person who was okay with the way things were, because so much of the way things are is NOT okay. Even if everything is dandy in my life, the majority of other people are suffering, or at least struggling. I didn't want to be ignorant of that.

But I remembered something Vladi had said during his lecture about finding the right balance of exuberance and humility. The exuberance part first:

The new layer, the happiness that lightens every thing about every day, and the anger and hate that built in me daily for years... they both have the same result. This desire to make the world better. The anger drove me to fight, but the joy I have found in the beauty of people and places and the world also drives me to fight. I want to protect it, spread it, share it, feel it. As angry as I was about the terror, I am exuberant about finding ways to rectify it.

It continues to be a process to even accept the possibility of me being a happy person. I was in such an opposing state for so long. But Vladi's idea helped a lot. Humility suggests awareness. Awareness in my mind has always equated to unhappiness. Perhaps that affiliation can change now. In the face of the horrific, if there is a balance of awareness (which is often heavy) and exuberance (which is energy to do what needs to be done to make the heavy lighter) then maybe inner peace can still exist.


Perhaps this metaphor of shedding a layer is wrong. Maybe instead I grew a new layer, over the old. As liberating as it is to get rid of something, I don't like to think of it as gone because it isn't totally gone. I wouldn't be able to feel the depth of joy that I do without having felt that depth of pain, so it is with me still. Not necessarily that it is hidden or suppressed, but more that it is a huge part of my make up and identity; one of the biggest parts so far. I will never forget it, and I hope no one else who knows me does either.

-----------------------

After having said all this, there is an entry in my journal that I would like to put here. It is very long and I don't have the brain capacity to write it all out now, at 3 am. But I will type it up sometime. It says almost everything I said in this post. A little more, a little less. But it was from my flight home (the last leg of my long journey) and to me it demonstrates that going on the trip, doing what I did, seeing what I saw, is what made the change in me. My thing tonight is that these changes were demonstrated when I entered this situation at The Nursery where I know I would have been miserable had it occurred before I left for Peru.

So Matt started this blog site to share architecture work between students and invited me to be a part of if. Wrote my first post today. Click HERE to see it.

better to be really focused on architecture next quarter (and my work in the writing center)?

or to continue my work in learning Spanish, on TOP of tutoring and D.G.F?

Since I have gotten home from my travels I have been trying to be even more conscious of my lifestyle. My head and heart have felt much lighter and I hope to stay in this state rather than fall back to darkness I inhabited almost constantly for over 7 years of my life. In order to do this for one, I must remove areas of guilt from my life. I know there is no way to completely be rid of many of the feelings I harbor for humanity and this world, but if I can find a way to live that allows me to be mostly separate from it, and hopefully motivate others to do the same, and maybe even help change the paradigm of human necessity then perhaps I can maintain a sense of bliss, without ignorance. This is a huge process and an enormous idea and I am glossing over it a ton right now because I am tired and I just wanna get all my ideas out before they fall away, but this is a start. Here is goes:

I am slowly removing more and more meat from my diet with the hope that eventually I can perpetuate a steady vegetarian (and perhaps even vegan) lifestyle. This has became more important to me having lived in a town -Pisco- where in going to the local market the smell of dead chicken/pig/various-other-animal became the most pervasive detail of your shopping trip. Going with Simon to buy the meat for meals at PSF pretty much solidified the fact that I will probably never be able to cook meat from such a raw form. Weak stomach, weak eyes, weak nose. Additionally, I can't help but find it immoral to kill animals the way humans do. We have tools that have allowed us to prevail over any species we want to, and kill it to extinction if we aren't careful or if we so desire. We have tools that animals do not, and we abuse this fact to a most terrible degree. Factories and slaughterhouses are obviously the worst example of this, and in learning more about them and the mainstream meat industry in the US I had slowly been converted to believing that hunting one's own meat is a good thing, and even with guns (which I hate) rather than bows and arrows (since gun would allow the animal a shorter period of suffering). However, no matter how hard I try to believe in hunting it is, again, something I don't believe I could ever take on myself. And so my belief is thus: if I myself can't shoot it, skin it, clean it, cook it, then I don't deserve to eat it. What about responsible, organic, grass-fed, cage-free ect ect farming? It still doesn't sit well with me that a living, breathing creature is being raised just to be killed and eaten. I can't call that moral no matter how much more responsible the practice is compared to the extreme farms/factories/slaughterhouses that output the majority of "meat" in this country. And if I ignore it, this gut instinct that this is wrong, if I ignore it and continue to support the industry then surely I will not be able to maintain the happiness I have fought so hard to find. I will feel guilty AND angry, and rightly so.

So that is the main thing, and also the hardest. The rest aren't so drastic or difficult, but still very important.

Sugar. I am reducing my intake greatly. Sugar is difficult for the human body to process and so it ages your organs more rapidly. And you can just forget about high fructose corn syrup. Slows down your metabolism and doesn't give anything positive to the body. The idea of this causes mental stress for me. Putting things in my body that are so negative physically probably contributed much my mental anxiety.

Despite having the worst sinus problems of my life with this recent bought of illness, I have used about 3 tissues and instead have relied almost solely on a couple handkerchiefs. I think I will never need tissues again in my life. Yes. I am boycotting tissues. What a fucking waste of paper.

And I have started using toothpaste that has natural ingredients. unfortunately I don't feel I can give up fluoride just yet since I still have a major teeth-grinding problem at night and I don't know that my mouth guard protects them all too much. I would like to keep my teeth as strong as possible, but eventually I would like to give up fluoride too because I think its irresponsible to keep pumping it into our water system.
Oh, that and birth control. I couldn't possibly do that thing so many girls do where they regulate their periods and acne with birth control. Granted, some girls probably "need" it more than me since so many suffer much more menstruation than I. But even then, I couldn't bear with the guilt of it. Its chemicals meant to create infertility and we are putting them through our bodies and then dumping them out into our world (which must be fertile if we hope to perpetuate life). This has been a really personal issue for me, and I don't expect everyone to live by it, but I hope that other people at least think about it.

On to other topics...

At school (though I can't be too much more picky about the place I am going to live) I would like to find a place with a yard because I want to dry all my clothes by hanging them out rather than using a machine dryer. I could get a rack for indoors if I had a proper space to do it. Boycotting dryers. It would also be ideal to have a space for gardening and growing one if not more of the foods I will be relying on. If I don't have a space for this at my house/apartment then I think I will get a plot at the organic farm. Oh, also, I am boycotting the Greenery and hopefully eating mostly from the Farmer's Market, the co-op, and The Flaming Eggplant. Supporting local economy and eating food without pesticides and that hasnt been shipped across the world and back, or pumped full of ingredients I dont understand the half of? Yup. Much better.

I also want to boycott dishwashers and toasters. Pointless things. Dishwashers use far too much water and they use energy which just isn't necessary to use for a task that could be done else-wise. And toasters are just wanna-be ovens which create nothing that an oven can't, except perhaps in a more time-efficient manner. I can see the utility in this for people constantly in a hurry and on the go. But that too is an issue in itself and something I also want to work on for myself. Slowing down.

Also, I want most of my transportation to be on foot, on bike, on bus, on train. Carpools are okay. But in any case, I hate cars. They scare me almost as much as planes (too much hubris). And they are yet another commodity that everyone seems to believe are absolutely necessary for a happy life. Who doesnt have a car? Who NEVER owns a car in their life? Hopefully me. Yes, obviously I appreciate them because they allow everyone to get where they want when they want and I am also a person who enjoy such luxury, but the idea that EVERYONE should have their own personal death machine (I mean.. vehicle) is ludicrous. I am very grateful for the people who drive me around all the time (especially when I am too sick to exert myself physically), and I think that is the way to do it. Share. I have been thinking more and more about getting my license even if it means I have to pay insurance (even if I only drive on very very rare occasions), just for that purpose --to share vehicles. I know that many people believe I should get a car in addition to my license, but I don't agree. Firstly, while I have great self-control and focus with most things, the few times I have driven any considerable distance I have found myself falling asleep at the wheel because watching the road pretty much forces my eyes shut and my brain off. Also, I would like to help break the paradigm of the necessity for an individual transportation mechanism of such over-embellishment (especially one that contributes significantly to our "necessity for oil," and essentially fuels the war for fuel). Public transit need to be developed, alternative fuel sources, ect. Anything that will help us break from these "necessities." Oh, but solar-powered motorcycles are pretty cool. I'm suddenly a motorbike convert too, which I think for many people would be more efficient because the majority of people travel in 4-7person gas-guzzling vehicles by themselves, every day to work and back. FUCK THAT.

I have been getting rid of clothes and possessions as fast as my heart will let go of emotional or memorial attachment to them. I am finding that it is easy to become less and less inclined to obtain new things. I hope that my discarded goods will bring as much happiness to the people who obtain them as they do for me to be rid of them and feel a bit lighter and freer.


Oh, I thought of some other things I want to boycott. Tampons/pads. Male advisory for the next paragraph. This might get graphic. Made from cotton which likely has been bathed in pesticides and you are sticking it in your soft-tissued vagina. Secondly, it's such a waste to manufacture these specially designed absorbent materials and then throw them away after a couple hours of use. So I want to invest in a diva cup and a luna pad and see if I can make those work for me. Also, one of the clubs at Evergreen has held an at-least-annual workshop for how to make your own less polluted, less pollutive feminine hygiene products. So I want to go to that too.

I shower less frequently and have only shaved once in the past 5 months. Less water, less manufactured plastic for razors. Plus a shower is so much more appreciated after a couple extra days without.

Maybe this only makes sense to me, but I feel better in all of this. I probably wouldn't sound so weird except I spent much of today reading Kokoro and when I read I often pick up on the author's style and tone and mimic it, if unwillingly. Not to mention the main character in the book is somewhat like-minded as me. I suppose Zach knew I would relate to it when he gave it to me. Perhaps not. Either way... the book is good company.

I have more to say but it is late and I will sleep.

Dad posted this on facebook. It's a description of our incredible Orca encounter on our San Juans sailing trip this week. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed.

"Just home from a week sailing the San Juan Islands in Dauphine, our 31 foot sloop. It was a great trip, with Alex and her friend Tyler joining us for the final 3 days. Great sailing and spectacular sunsets. But, without a doubt, the events of Tuesday were once in a lifetime. As we rounded the west coast of San Juan Island and just passed False Bay, we found ourselves in the midst of many pods of Orcas. Boats are not supposed to approach close to Orcas, and we were under sail with the motor off, and we kept an appropriate distance, with enough wind to be able to position the boat as well as the commercial whale watchers were in the several commercial power boats around. At one point I had brought us to a dead stop by back winding the sails to heave to. We watched the whales swim away. But then another pod came straight towards us. We could not move away, so we sat in place as they swam past. After some time all the power boats left, we sailed on a bit and then headed out across the Straight of Juan De Fuca in a brisk wind. But soon the wind died, and we found ourselves drifting calmly with 1 knot of wind just enough wind to point the bow into the wind. Pulling out my home made hydrophone amid a few short lived chuckles, I lowered it into the water and turned it on. A lone haunting whale whistle was followed by a chorus of clear and beautiful songs. We saw pods of Orcas to port, to starboard and astern, all swimming closer and closer. All we could do was sit and watch, listen and take pictures as they swam to and past us, then came back. One pod came straight at us from abeam starboard, with their 4 to 5 foot tall fins and huge torsos breaking the surface, their tips rising as high as our decks above the water. It was like watching 5 Poseidon submarines coming at us, with their shallow shallow dives, followed by the sound of their surfacing and blowing in pairs. As they reached the boat, they split and two dove directly under the boat, two crossed the bow only feet from us and one crossed astern. Their songs were magnificent and loud in the hydrophone. After passing, they paused, and one bobbed up, nose straight up looking back at us, then slipping back down as they swam off to the north. We will never forget those few hours during which we must have seen 30 or 40 separate animals. There are no words, recordings or pictures that can capture it. I will post some photos as soon as I edit them, and my next project will be to hook a recorder to the hydrophone......"

Oh, today was my first day of my annual week at Summer Winds Day Camp. One of the campers that I had last year told me he remembered me. He said it as an after thought because I earlier I had told him that I remembered him and asked if he remembered me and he feinted the question. So later when he comes up to me and says "I do remember you from last year" I wondered what it took for him to remember. He continued by saying "You were a lot more shallow last year." I kinda gaped at that statement, only because it was coming from a 6 year-old and I wondered if the word had the same meaning in his mind as it does in mine. "Shallow?" I asked. He responded with a face of extreme exhaustion and sadness. "You're much perkier now."

I thought it was crazy that my change in demeanor was so apparent to someone who had only known me for a week a year ago, and who had not even seen me for a day since then before commenting on it.

Maybe I was just a bit less energetic, and burnt out on kids last summer, but the comment was really interesting to me all the same. Especially since the week I worked at SW last summer was one of the most optimistic weeks of my life up to that point (having just spent an amazing 9 weeks at Killoqua).

Speaking of Killoqua, I got a call from the office today and the message was Daisy saying they needed some help for the last week of camp, next week. Timing never fails to amaze me. Its either go spend a week at a camp that I completely adore with but will possibly never spend another full summer at again --now that I've found NYSC--
OR go sailing all over the San Juan Islands with my parents. Decisions, decisions.

And dinner.

two nights in a row of scary dreams.

last night was far more intense. it began post-apocalyptic. a typical setting from a movie: the ground nothing but lose soil that was kicked up in the stale air, and most buildings were useless. the only person i could find was my brother. I told him this was how i always thought the apocalypse would be. he asked "zombie-infested?" and suddenly a hoard of zombies appeared sprinting toward us. i turned calmly to him and said "no...everyone would just be crazed and fucked up from the radiation." and, as the zombies disappeared, so it was. we took shelter in our parents house.

I couldn't tell you if the rest was a different storyline or not. Nathan and I were alone in our house (he was set up in the room James is living in). Nathan came into my room and sat at the chair by my computer. I was laying in my bed. We talked for a bit, and were both a bit on edge. He decided to go to bed. I knew I wasn't in a state to sleep so I stayed on my bed until I heard someone messaging me on the computer. I got up and saw it was Nathan. We started continuing our previous convo but gradually the things he was saying were no longer reassuring or brotherly. He was really creeping me out, almost threatening me at some points. I told him I wasn't going to play his games anymore. Even after I had gone back to my bed he continued to write things to me. The text was so large I could still read it and what he was saying started getting even worse than before. After a bit of this I realized that there were two screennames submitting input to the convo. It was my screen name responding from my computer, only no one was sitting at my computer. All I could think was "ghost." I decided the safest thing to do was to go get Nathan. I finally worked up the courage to walk down the hall to his room. When I opened the door his laptop was on the bed, but he was nowhere to be found. The conversation was still going on the computers. I walked back to my room and found my brother sitting on my bed. He was just staring and he looked really violent. I realized he had done that wireless computer control thing and had somehow set his laptop up to type on a timer too. As I saw him sitting there, something in me said "run" so I bolted to the nearest door that locked. I knew it was easy to undo the lock on the bathroom door, and I wanted to get to a phone so I decided to climb out the window and climb across to the roof under Becca's window. I broke her screen and ran from her room to my parents. Nathan was on my tail as soon as I passed his room but I made it to the master bedroom safely, locked the door, and grabbed the phone. Nathan was yelling (but with a calm tone) about how I should know better, and that this door wasn't going to hold forever. I called my parents phone but there was no answer. I went into their bathroom and locked that door behind me too. Once I was in there I realized there was nothing to move in front of the door and I decided to redo one of my decisions. So I was back in the original bathroom and after climbing to my sister's window I decided to go back into my room instead. Once inside, Immediately I shoved my bed and futon in front of the door trying to use them together with the opposing wall to wedge it shut permanently. Still freaking out I also went in my closet, shut the door and the the same thing with that door and my shelves. Don't know what my plan after that was but that was all I really remember.


The night before last my dream was about a combination of camps: Killoqua and NYSC. Essentially I had a group of girls and I was supposed to be getting them ready for things. At first they were cooperative, just a little slow. Then one by one throughout the week they would become defiant and completely ignore everything I had to say. One day, after they had all "changed" they left during a movie we were watching at a museum in DC. When I tried to get them they started threatening me. Nothing I said had any sway over their decision to leave. I secretly followed them upstairs. They went into the bathroom (which was similar to the one at NYSC) and while they put on clothes that were far from camp-appropriate and talked about meeting up with guys to go screw in the woods, they also plotted how to get passed me, and eventually began deciding how they would murder me. I had to run away at some point, but I don't remember the details.


the dreams disturbed me deeply, but i don't think i could fully portray why they were so upsetting.



going to sleep last night I was pretty sure I was going to have a bad dream because i was being haunted by that story mom had told me the other day. it was about a woman who had been first to jump in the water to do scuba research in antarctica and who was immediately attacked and dragged down to the depths by a leopard seal. i kept imagine the thoughts that must have gone through her head and what the last thing she saw must have been. totally unrelated to my dreams, so still have no idea how this crazy mind actually comes up with these things.

it irks me when people try to give me the answers.

advice is good

but answering unanswerable questions...



yes, the attempt to find truth is noble and important; it is perhaps our greatest gift (and curse) to have the consciousness and will to seek the micro-intricacies of our daily macrocosm.
but i think we must also realize the partial futility of such an action in light of the general relativity of truth, and we must be humbled and contented by the perpetuation of questions that will stimulate the generation of new resolves, overthrowing the answers that we had once prescribed as absolute.


and also, this rule --as a rule-- is not a rule ultimately or indefinitely. maybe nothing is permanent or absolute. but form can be closely mimicked "infinitely" to create patterns that may suggest "truth"; repetition can sometimes forward this connotation. perhaps this is part of the basis for our individual sense of morality.

now my mind is just tangent-ing when the rest of my body wants to be sleeping...
goodnight now.

held so much.


It's very late but I could stay up and write. I have nothing I need to do tomorrow. Though I do have work Monday morning, and should probably not destroy my sleeping patterns too much more than I have these past 3 nights.

I just don't want to miss any of the emotion of the day, though I should realize by now that I could never express it all in words.

I had forgotten, already. I hadn't lost it completely but I had definitely forgotten. I had known something was missing for a while (the short time I've been home has seemed to last), but I couldn't place it until I got your letter today.

Has the tattoo been absorbed into me, or was it simply washed away? I regret that I can't look at it everyday, though I suppose that it is only one lesson, and there are more lessons to learn than room on my body for ink to remind myself of them.


But how will I remember who I am? I had forgotten, so soon.


So easily we... I... get caught up in patterns. And even if I am cognizant of them, and making the action towards living "better", I often lose track of the meaning of my other actions.

I've just been losing things to myself a lot lately.

And perhaps I have not really been a writer until now, when I have not written.

I hope someday soon, I will feel once again in necessity of exploring thoughts aloud (and by that I mean on paper).

I am starving. Please, take no offense, but the people I have been spending my time with have been leaving me hungry and cold. Everything is type one. Action and reaction without genuine thought or feeling. I see myself trying to patch the holes in flimsy fabric, praying that these will clothe me until once again I can feel the warmth of what I believe I need to wear for good. How can I pretend to know what that would look like? Or that I would even want to know. And then, again, I know better who I am when there are no mirrors to look at anyway. But reflection is necessary for me. And I will never look back, or forward, or at, or through, and see the same thing. Consistency is not my strong suit when it comes to human interaction or relation... or...
This is all well enough, since what I see in the mirror will also never be the same.

I know the truth, but I am afraid of it --we all fear the unknown. The truth as far as I know it is that I don't know it. Truth is circumstantial. So why this constant search for something constant? Especially when to relax and enjoy the change in lightness can prove to be so much more.

Perhaps fulfilled and happy cannot sustain anymore than empty and broken, nor can they exist under the same circumstances. Nor can the same circumstances ever exist at the same time. Nor can time ever allow any one circumstance to endure.

Maybe there is no remembering who I am, because "I am" doesn't ever exist in the same combination or agglomeration of being. And perhaps this is why I suddenly had a sense of infinity within me during Vladi's lecture... Maybe "I" as a whole do not exist, and therefore "I" will not exist any less once this body and mind decay. It will be another change in composition and order...one I will [probably] not be aware of, and one that out-does every change I have been or will be aware of (at least, with this particular state-of-mind --being "human").


And... it seems I have again found the urge to delve into these things, but at this moment my attention is being called elsewhere (namely making dinner with my parents. All three of us together). So hopefully I can return with this enthusiasm in the near future, though perhaps not tonight as James also wants to spend some time together tonight, and tomorrow is Alpine Days where I will hopefully be able to see old friends and enjoy the time (which requires actually sleeping tonight).

More later.

my head is so empty lately.
i thought for a while it was actually brimming with ideas that i just couldn't grasp...

well, i don't know whats going on in there right now.

i don't really feel like writing here anymore, so... my apologies if there's not much else after this.


-----------------------


sorry Nyg if I don't get back to you for a while...
being around phones and computers all the time again is kinda making me sick.

deadmau5 ticket



fuck that's tempting.

8-midnight
Oct. 13th.
its a Wednesday. meaning I would miss class (cause I have Spanish on Wednesday nights?)


wait a tick...
just found:
ticket for $60 fees and all


its gonna be such an amazing show/dance party (plus... dancing is kinda like cross training for the half marathon, which is 10 days later)


ok.
to do
tomorrow

-hike with Heidi
-continue search for housing at Evergreen
-possibly buy deadmau5 tickets (10/13/10; $60)
-register for Lake Sammamish Half Marathon (10/23/10; $40)
-set up Paypal to PSF for money (potentially) raised from Half Marathon (don't really know what paypal is, but will figure that out too)
-figure out when WoodRiver Annual garage sale is (selling clothes=money for dancing and running. important things because dancing means personal sanity and staying happy and motivated, and running means money to send to Pisco!)





Well. Now that I have successfully turned my shitty mood into a good mood I think its about time for sleeping.

So leaving Pisco Sin Fronteras after only 3 weeks turned out to be extremely heart-wrenching. As right as it was to go (for the time in my life I was at) I felt like I was leaving something unfinished. I am working hard to find a point in time that I can return to the organization, bringing to it something more than I brought before. Hopefully this will entail skills in building and Spanish, knowledge about building codes and techniques, and focus surrounding a particular project I want to lead from start to finish. In the meantime, I will be at Evergreen taking classes, and probably elsewhere making money and/or gaining skills. Even though I believe that PSF will be around long enough for me to return to it, I think that right now it needs some of my support (and I think part of me needs the motivation that offering such supporting will allow me to have). I want to run a half marathon and I want to raise money for PSF, and I am hoping to do both simultaneously. Ben Steiner came up with the idea, and hopefully he is still interested.

Now I need to figure out which marathon to do, and how to structure the donation process in order to raise the most money for PSF.

"cada momenta, cada aliento es una empieza nueva"

well i am back in north bend. dont really feel like writing here. everything feels ridiculous. surreal. wish there was someone here not sleeping though...

definitely missing NYSC cuddle puddles right about now. and being sung to sleep...


just bought some Peter Mulvey songs. helping to make this transition easier.


so... perhaps sleep is in order. i'll try that.

Ohmygosh!

There is one person in my life (and not really even in my life right now) who drives me insane.

just got back from a great backpacking trip and probably really need to go shower soon,

camp is amazing. the people are just fantastic, and everything we do is new and exciting.