that's right, folks (folk? self?)
two of my close girl friends have become entirely smitten in the past week. both made quite the connection with a guy, each upon their first meeting (/online encounter). both the man-folk live abroad (in other cities nearby, that is) but apparently are perfectly peculiar, and match the quirks of each gal in uncanny ways.
why is this notable?
no clue, except that both happened almost at the exact same time, and both ladies have been updating me constantly (to my delight) about the progression of their interactions, and at times I almost lose track of what is happening with who. but its neat to experience, even as an "onlooker." I now know that the giddiness that comes from this beginning part of a relationship can also be felt vicariously, especially when the situations are reminiscent of your own experiences.
sorry (or not so much) about my writing style tonight. Lord of the Rings and Michelle (and probably the people from the Netherlands who are living in our house right now) are rubbing off on me. and also, i am tired, and have a lot on my mind, and a lot to write about, and not the braincells to censor myself too thoroughly. not that there's much to censor, minus a strange/awkward turn of phrase.
but anyway, yes. love is in the air.
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I was re-reading my vision quest introduction letter today as I attempted to write my intention essay and decided I wanted to post it here so all (2) of my faithful readers could see some of what I've thinking about recently.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Fellow Questers,
Hello.
My name is Alex Eisenberg and I am a 22 year old female. My preferred pronouns
are “she” and “her.” I am excited to meet you all, and am so looking forward to
reading your stories and intentions. Here’s
a bit of mine.
As a recent
graduate from the Evergreen State College, I am entering a new stage of my life.
With me I carry much grief for the state of the world, anger at humanity and
self, fear for the future, etc. I hope to channel these responses into positive
work and effective change though do not yet know how.
During
my years at Evergreen I did not declare a major, nor did I get trained for a
career. My experience was far more expansive than focusing, which means I am eagerly
seeking direction at this time. In college I was continuously exposed to the
reality of environmental and human injustice that is allowed and enacted daily across
the globe. I learned to approach these problems by observing connections and looking
for hidden variables. This
systems-thinking has recently helped me realize that my consciousness and
mental and emotional health are all linked to that of the earth. I now see that
I have previously neglected those pieces on a personal level, and that I must
nurture and cultivate them in myself in order to be most effective in my
efforts for a better world. The quest will be a container for me to begin mending
and growing those aspects of myself.
This
past year has been one of the most difficult and transformative of my life. It
has called me to delve deeper into personal soul work and the healing of wounds
inflicted by living in a damaged society that lacks the focus of spirituality
or community. I feel as though I am in a perpetually liminal state, between who
I was raised to be (by my parents and dominant culture), and who I want and
need to become (for the world and for myself). I believe this is in part
because I have never had a true rite of passage—this quest will be my first—and
have been inexplicably thrust in a new direction this year (toward spirit and
community), but with no instructions for how to fully access it. I seek the intention
that comes with community and spirituality, and this quest is a perfect opportunity
to begin shaping it.
While
I would already claim to have spiritual beliefs, they are private and abstract.
From my Christian upbringing and various experiences in the church, I have
become deeply resistant to organized religion and group spiritual practice of
any form, as they are very easy to manipulate. I do not have dedicated spiritual
practices or a spiritual community, and I have not experienced any that I am
truly comfortable with. Until recently, this
did not bother me. However, new realizations about the world (particularly as I
begin to comprehend the long-term consequences of nuclear power in the
aftermath of Fukashima) have forced me to reconcile my despair with something
more sustaining and connective, and less rooted in the scientific or logic-based
responses I have tried to depend on. This quest will be in part, a way to delve
into a focused exploration of my spiritual beliefs, perhaps to find clarity and
comfort within my own spirituality, while exploring ways to engage spiritually
with others, with you. Though I still feel resistance to it, I am compelled
toward it by the needs of this time and myself.
Here
are some other thoughts about my intention for the quest: I seek to face the
guilt I feel as a privileged middle-class, white, straight, cis-person in a
vastly unequal world that is being ravaged by my species. I seek to cultivate
personal strength and be self-supporting, while simultaneously remembering that
I am part of a whole and cannot survive alone. I seek to learn to embrace and
create community on all scales, and find ways to be an effective member within
them. I seek time alone to grieve fully and openly, without other obligations,
without anything but my sorrow, my heart, and the earth. I seek to explore whatever
emerges when I open myself up to the world in this way.
Fellow
Questers, thank you for taking all of this into your hearts, and for stepping
into this journey along side me.
See you all soon,
Alex
danced to a fiddler's celtic tune in a parking lot
had my first attempt at split pea soup (success!)
made gfdf muffins (uber success)
hung out with my wonderful housemate and three crazy dogs
attempted to write my quest essay
enjoyed the sun
among other things
(like getting into an intense internet debate
and
doing laundry)
nothing too important, but it feels like a lot of good things. :)
had my first attempt at split pea soup (success!)
made gfdf muffins (uber success)
hung out with my wonderful housemate and three crazy dogs
attempted to write my quest essay
enjoyed the sun
among other things
(like getting into an intense internet debate
and
doing laundry)
nothing too important, but it feels like a lot of good things. :)
JOANNA MACY IS GOING TO BE AT WOMEN'S CONGRESS!!
Beautiful dreams are coming true.
Beautiful dreams are coming true.
Been feeling somewhat angry at the world. Or, a lot. But yesterday helped--catching up with some awesome ladies. And my quest prep has been grounding and immensely powerful too. And, duh, backpacking with Carolyn=incredible. Lots to think about. Lots to write about, but most of that is going to be private for now.
But I do wish to express my anger and frustration at this moment, just to get it out of my system. Consider yourself warned.
So... basically... here's the thing: I am fucking sick of (mostly) old (mostly) white (mostly) males running the world! FUCKING SICK OF IT.ARG
So, as you can probably tell, the green building code symposium went well.
I mean, I guess I am getting used to being the youngest person at those things, and being surrounded by grey-haired people in fat-suits...er, fat people in grey suits...er suits with phat grey hair (...not judging, just noticing) [Am I gonna lose potential jobs over this?]. And I am getting used to hearing them talk about merely reducing our utter destructiveness in a business-polite fashion in their business-casual vernacular/clothing blabitty blah blah bull. Needless to say I bit my tongue a bunch but couldn't stifle a few loud exhale sounds that probably made some bushy, grey caterpillar-eyebrows cock their butts in the air (or their heads, but its really hard to tell anyway). But hear-you-me, I would have spoken my mind if I wasn't volunteering or representing the Guild by association.
Like, "um, excuse me... you don't want to put a better code into law because then people who are always pushing the boundaries would somehow suddenly find it acceptable or beneficial to shoot for the lowest standard? and even if they did, the lowest standard would call for much more efficiency across the board which would be better in the long term anyway because we wouldn't have wasted all the resources making more shitty buildings. i mean, its not like we've been waiting for years for everyone to jump on the already super green-washed (with '100% natural' soap) bandwagon of 'sustainability.' and you are saying we shouldn't create laws that mandate 'green' building because then it won't be cool anymore? might that perspective be because the success of your company/paycheck depends on your 'green-building' offerings being on the cutting edge, which wouldn't be the case if better building practices became the mandated standard?"
Once again, it was a dog-fight between the private and public sector...
So why not both? Why not market-based incentives AND regulatory solutions? WHY WHY WHY? I think I understand. It's all about money. But it sounds like this:
"Because I am a man, and don't understand the meaning of compromise" "NO! I am a man and I have all the answers, but they are better than yours" "I am man! HEAR ME ROAR! in my suit. and tie. and... beer belly..." "oh! and I am a woman and I have an opinion too! but it's still based off this bullshit reality of market economies and what is or isn't feasible in our ridiculous government system. but i know how this part of the world works because i have been working in this unfortunate field since the dawn of the dinosaurs. RAR!"
Okay, okay. I'm not being very fair at all. They genuinely care (probably). They donated their time to spend at this thing, and have dedicated their lives to trying to contribute to a more beautiful (?) world, and they are doing it in the ways they know how.
But it doesn't help if you get in the way of people who are doing the things that make the difference. And if you live in a bubble of relative security, ignorant or ignoring-ant of the actual real-life physical/emotional/metaphysical/hubalal impacts of the things you are talking about.
I know. I know. It's too complex (aka time intensive, aka expensive) to consider everything. We are all just doing our best. Hopefully for the common good, but it's hard to tell sometimes, especially when one of the presenters was like "yup, i was in the regular old building design business and i moved to green building when it became profitable."
in the meantime, all these old people in my life are telling me "that's just how people are, we need to take advantage of it by creating incentives and propaganda etc." so shoot. i guess i better just call that acceptable. (*retch*) but its effective! i know it. (*retch*)
would you believe me if I said I DONT I DONT KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE? or what to do? or... who I am...
and on that note:
"What if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me; and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I, myself, am the enemy who must be loved -- what then?” -CG Jung
But I do wish to express my anger and frustration at this moment, just to get it out of my system. Consider yourself warned.
So... basically... here's the thing: I am fucking sick of (mostly) old (mostly) white (mostly) males running the world! FUCKING SICK OF IT.ARG
So, as you can probably tell, the green building code symposium went well.
I mean, I guess I am getting used to being the youngest person at those things, and being surrounded by grey-haired people in fat-suits...er, fat people in grey suits...er suits with phat grey hair (...not judging, just noticing) [Am I gonna lose potential jobs over this?]. And I am getting used to hearing them talk about merely reducing our utter destructiveness in a business-polite fashion in their business-casual vernacular/clothing blabitty blah blah bull. Needless to say I bit my tongue a bunch but couldn't stifle a few loud exhale sounds that probably made some bushy, grey caterpillar-eyebrows cock their butts in the air (or their heads, but its really hard to tell anyway). But hear-you-me, I would have spoken my mind if I wasn't volunteering or representing the Guild by association.
Like, "um, excuse me... you don't want to put a better code into law because then people who are always pushing the boundaries would somehow suddenly find it acceptable or beneficial to shoot for the lowest standard? and even if they did, the lowest standard would call for much more efficiency across the board which would be better in the long term anyway because we wouldn't have wasted all the resources making more shitty buildings. i mean, its not like we've been waiting for years for everyone to jump on the already super green-washed (with '100% natural' soap) bandwagon of 'sustainability.' and you are saying we shouldn't create laws that mandate 'green' building because then it won't be cool anymore? might that perspective be because the success of your company/paycheck depends on your 'green-building' offerings being on the cutting edge, which wouldn't be the case if better building practices became the mandated standard?"
Once again, it was a dog-fight between the private and public sector...
So why not both? Why not market-based incentives AND regulatory solutions? WHY WHY WHY? I think I understand. It's all about money. But it sounds like this:
"Because I am a man, and don't understand the meaning of compromise" "NO! I am a man and I have all the answers, but they are better than yours" "I am man! HEAR ME ROAR! in my suit. and tie. and... beer belly..." "oh! and I am a woman and I have an opinion too! but it's still based off this bullshit reality of market economies and what is or isn't feasible in our ridiculous government system. but i know how this part of the world works because i have been working in this unfortunate field since the dawn of the dinosaurs. RAR!"
Okay, okay. I'm not being very fair at all. They genuinely care (probably). They donated their time to spend at this thing, and have dedicated their lives to trying to contribute to a more beautiful (?) world, and they are doing it in the ways they know how.
But it doesn't help if you get in the way of people who are doing the things that make the difference. And if you live in a bubble of relative security, ignorant or ignoring-ant of the actual real-life physical/emotional/metaphysical/hubalal impacts of the things you are talking about.
I know. I know. It's too complex (aka time intensive, aka expensive) to consider everything. We are all just doing our best. Hopefully for the common good, but it's hard to tell sometimes, especially when one of the presenters was like "yup, i was in the regular old building design business and i moved to green building when it became profitable."
in the meantime, all these old people in my life are telling me "that's just how people are, we need to take advantage of it by creating incentives and propaganda etc." so shoot. i guess i better just call that acceptable. (*retch*) but its effective! i know it. (*retch*)
would you believe me if I said I DONT I DONT KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE? or what to do? or... who I am...
and on that note:
"What if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me; and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I, myself, am the enemy who must be loved -- what then?” -CG Jung
WHY AM I NOT A FOREST CREATURE?
WHY DID I COME BACK HERE?
WHY AM I SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER?
WHY DID I COME BACK HERE?
WHY AM I SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER?
stop fracking
stop nuclear
stop the pipeline
stop mining
stop removing mountaintops
stop drilling
stop tar sands
stop bombing
stop shooting
stop threatening
stop lying
stop arguing
stop politicizing
stop polarizing
stop planning
stop building
stop manufacturing
stop consuming
stop selling
stop paving
stop driving
stop flying
stop sprawling
stop spreading
stop moving
stop drinking
stop smoking
stop shooting-up
stop posting
stop texting
stop talking
stop listening
stop reading
stop writing
stop eating
stop thinking
stop hoping
stop breathing
just fucking stop for a second.
go outside
and look around
and feel what is happening in the world
to the world
to your home
to your heart.
take it all in.
now breathe.
now take a step.
now start thinking
and hoping
and start changing things.
go
slowly
and don't forget how to stop.
(i don't know what's next, but maybe if we were all honest with ourselves whatever is next will be better.)
stop nuclear
stop the pipeline
stop mining
stop removing mountaintops
stop drilling
stop tar sands
stop bombing
stop shooting
stop threatening
stop lying
stop arguing
stop politicizing
stop polarizing
stop planning
stop building
stop manufacturing
stop consuming
stop selling
stop paving
stop driving
stop flying
stop sprawling
stop spreading
stop moving
stop drinking
stop smoking
stop shooting-up
stop posting
stop texting
stop talking
stop listening
stop reading
stop writing
stop eating
stop thinking
stop hoping
stop breathing
just fucking stop for a second.
go outside
and look around
and feel what is happening in the world
to the world
to your home
to your heart.
take it all in.
now breathe.
now take a step.
now start thinking
and hoping
and start changing things.
go
slowly
and don't forget how to stop.
(i don't know what's next, but maybe if we were all honest with ourselves whatever is next will be better.)
Cameron and I watched all the Lord of the Rings movies since graduation. Watching them, I have decided I want to try to live my life as a great and noble quest. To live with more conviction about my duty and passion, and to embody dedication to what I care for. To keep questioning myself and others, and to continue asking, but to speak with strength and beauty, even in uncertainty. Cameron always encourages me to say things, even if I am unsure about their truth. There is probably no avoiding this in any case, but it is a difficult task to take on consciously. I am getting better.
Now that I am able to slow down, I can start to integrate. There is much to be integrated, but I am able to be more conscious of and committed to the processes necessary. I do not have to force so much anymore--things just emerge: poetry, activity, other things that have no name. Synchronicity and a sense of rightness surround me like humid air, and hold me.
There is still doubt. Fear, regret, loneliness, disappointment, frustration. And I would be a fool to think that panic will not overtake me again. But it is nice to know that I can find pockets like this where there is peace.
Last night, at the sunset, Carolyn and I discussed her situation and it brought up something that I had been thinking about in relation to my own life. How much we (as a society) value obtaining independence, particularly financially. In many situations, this is more than a value but a need. In any case, we consider those who are not financially independent as some sort of failure. But in this moment, I am not financially independent, and do not yet have plans or a need to be, especially in this time of emotional and spiritual shifting. I am a highly privileged person with the the unique opportunity for a season of stillness.
For a time I had been thinking "Oh, how selfish am I? I am emotionally turbulent and need this time to heal. I am bringing no good to the world. I am just sucking up resources and life." But now I can see that in my personal healing, I am healing parts of the world. And even in the absence of immediate demand upon me, I have much to offer. Yes, I have so much to give right now and how wonderful it is that I only need to focus on that--on shifting the energy of the world, inwardly and outwardly. I have time. I can use that time to benefit the world. The failure would be if I remained only a consumer--able but unwilling to give back.
There is no ignoring it: this is a privilege that most people cannot enjoy. I do not take that lightly. I feel the gentle weight of my responsibility in this time. There is much in it, but it does not feel heavy because it does not feel urgent, though much of it is. The fact that I have the time to spend on it brings me peace and encouragement.
Now that I am able to slow down, I can start to integrate. There is much to be integrated, but I am able to be more conscious of and committed to the processes necessary. I do not have to force so much anymore--things just emerge: poetry, activity, other things that have no name. Synchronicity and a sense of rightness surround me like humid air, and hold me.
There is still doubt. Fear, regret, loneliness, disappointment, frustration. And I would be a fool to think that panic will not overtake me again. But it is nice to know that I can find pockets like this where there is peace.
Last night, at the sunset, Carolyn and I discussed her situation and it brought up something that I had been thinking about in relation to my own life. How much we (as a society) value obtaining independence, particularly financially. In many situations, this is more than a value but a need. In any case, we consider those who are not financially independent as some sort of failure. But in this moment, I am not financially independent, and do not yet have plans or a need to be, especially in this time of emotional and spiritual shifting. I am a highly privileged person with the the unique opportunity for a season of stillness.
For a time I had been thinking "Oh, how selfish am I? I am emotionally turbulent and need this time to heal. I am bringing no good to the world. I am just sucking up resources and life." But now I can see that in my personal healing, I am healing parts of the world. And even in the absence of immediate demand upon me, I have much to offer. Yes, I have so much to give right now and how wonderful it is that I only need to focus on that--on shifting the energy of the world, inwardly and outwardly. I have time. I can use that time to benefit the world. The failure would be if I remained only a consumer--able but unwilling to give back.
There is no ignoring it: this is a privilege that most people cannot enjoy. I do not take that lightly. I feel the gentle weight of my responsibility in this time. There is much in it, but it does not feel heavy because it does not feel urgent, though much of it is. The fact that I have the time to spend on it brings me peace and encouragement.
This season... once again some combination of middle fork, flashing lights, and goodbyes; thunder or rain or both. leaning against the refrigerator or the back-hatch crying. some combination. some spiraling synchronicity. i just followed the 8's but who knows?
Day 1: I miss you.
But mostly I am just sorry. I wish I and the world would quit squandering the precious things; quit casting our gaze carelessly over all the riches we are free to enjoy, all the moments that are already perfect; quit destroying what is, for want of something more or better.
It's a fine line. There is much work to be done. Or maybe to be undone. Like the undammed Elwha with its salmon finally coming home. All we had to do was remove our doing. All we had to do was allow.
Tonight Carolyn and I sat with the sunset. The western sky this summer keeps taking my breath away. The enormous orange sun and blinded me, as I looked toward you. You must have been looking at the splash of clouds too because I felt you close.
Well according to spell check, undammed isn't a word. But it will be. It will take undoing, and simply being, and allowing, and maybe even fighting but
I have seen concrete hearts crack, and love spill out years of suppressed tears, falling ceaselessly down as we stand at the bottom speaking fiercely to the mountain, out loud, I love you.
If I had religion, if I had one prayer, that would be it. Over and over tumbling down my heart and through my veins touching everything.
I face the mountains to say it once but like water it isn't just one, it is all, and it opens cracked concrete wide and fills the empty spaces, flowing.
Day 1: I miss you.
But mostly I am just sorry. I wish I and the world would quit squandering the precious things; quit casting our gaze carelessly over all the riches we are free to enjoy, all the moments that are already perfect; quit destroying what is, for want of something more or better.
It's a fine line. There is much work to be done. Or maybe to be undone. Like the undammed Elwha with its salmon finally coming home. All we had to do was remove our doing. All we had to do was allow.
Tonight Carolyn and I sat with the sunset. The western sky this summer keeps taking my breath away. The enormous orange sun and blinded me, as I looked toward you. You must have been looking at the splash of clouds too because I felt you close.
Well according to spell check, undammed isn't a word. But it will be. It will take undoing, and simply being, and allowing, and maybe even fighting but
I have seen concrete hearts crack, and love spill out years of suppressed tears, falling ceaselessly down as we stand at the bottom speaking fiercely to the mountain, out loud, I love you.
If I had religion, if I had one prayer, that would be it. Over and over tumbling down my heart and through my veins touching everything.
I face the mountains to say it once but like water it isn't just one, it is all, and it opens cracked concrete wide and fills the empty spaces, flowing.
