Every day
more species die.
284 Beluga Whales left
I know I
know
its always the charismatic
mega fauna
that capture our attention.
Whales, tigers, wolves, bears, elephants, monkeys and
humans.
But this time its a song and a memory.
Sitting on the floor of my 3rd grade classroom
singing a song about the light blue
beluga babies.
Sitting on my bunk bed in my comfortable
yellow-lit room
with dark blue carpets
dreaming of the ocean.
If they are all dead in my lifetime
what will it all mean to me?
It will mean that I didn't do enough.
284
is less days
than have passed this year,
and more than enough time for
every
last
one
to disappear,
dissolve under our will
or lack thereof.
---
What world do I live in?
I despair
every day
I praise
the sky and the breeze that brings me
life and breath and
radiation
from across the sea.
I pick up discarded fast
food wrappers on the road on my way downtown
every day
and sit in a cafe
and create more waste.
What person am I?
What world is this?
It seems certain
I am no ring-bearer on a great quest across Middle Earth
for then I would have more direction
as to where to go,
and what to do
and have
a known task to undertake
to end the dark forces and
save the world.
Or maybe not.
How can I be?
How can I be pushing on the world
with the greatest leverage
if I don't know where that is?
How can I be holding so many conflicting
repelling things
together
in common
at once?
I need to be both strong and surrendering
solid and yeilding
understanding and challenging
rooted and pervasive
here and there
optimistic and realistic.
all-encompassing and focused
directed and open
forgiving and un-excusing.
I must hold it all
and not be weighed down.
and its so difficult.
---
some days
I wish I could live to be
284
or more.
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I walked down to dance co-op today with menstrual cramps and a bad mood, (though, on a side note, I have been quite pleased with the alignment of my cycle with that of the moon's, so being on my period has felt a lot more special than it normally does).
Anyway, I wasn't feeling inspired to dance tonight--all day I was thinking I wouldn't want to go--but as usually I felt called to give it a shot anyway. After waiting outside writing for a bit, I went into the ballroom and sat for a while stretching at the back til a song pulled me into movement. But I was still having to force it for sure. Finally, the music got a little darker, matching my personal tone for the evening, and on one crazy sound, like a helicopter, I turned my anger into violently spinning arms and head and hips increasing in intensity until it stopped suddenly.
Then the most unexpected song was played: The Circle of Life (The Lion King version). Everyone in the room smiled wide, including me. It was magic how quickly that shifted my mood, and how immediately I felt open to dance in a way that I never had. Open and free. I couldn't stop smiling and just bursting with life and gratitude for life. The song changed the whole landscape of the wave for me and I explored the sounds through my body in new ways for a good time even after it ended. I still got really dark (and violent?) much later during the heavy middle--I head-banged next to a screaming Theodore for about 15 minutes. But my attitude had totally shifted to openness in the dance, and just letting myself go because of The Circle of Life. It was so easy to let go after that. I hardly had any thoughts (except "ow, my ovaries hurt").
Yea, I had cramps the whole time until stillness at the end, when they totally released for a couple moments while I did some stretches lying on the floor. It was an incredible temporary relief, but I still was hurting on my way home. Now I feel fine though. This is the first time in as long as I can remember that I passed cramps without taking advil or something, which is great. :)
Besides dancing, I enjoyed the sun and the moon today.
And Michelle's surgery went fine, and hopefully the lab results will yield good news.
There is sooooo much more to write about but I am exhausted. And feeling good.
Anyway, I wasn't feeling inspired to dance tonight--all day I was thinking I wouldn't want to go--but as usually I felt called to give it a shot anyway. After waiting outside writing for a bit, I went into the ballroom and sat for a while stretching at the back til a song pulled me into movement. But I was still having to force it for sure. Finally, the music got a little darker, matching my personal tone for the evening, and on one crazy sound, like a helicopter, I turned my anger into violently spinning arms and head and hips increasing in intensity until it stopped suddenly.
Then the most unexpected song was played: The Circle of Life (The Lion King version). Everyone in the room smiled wide, including me. It was magic how quickly that shifted my mood, and how immediately I felt open to dance in a way that I never had. Open and free. I couldn't stop smiling and just bursting with life and gratitude for life. The song changed the whole landscape of the wave for me and I explored the sounds through my body in new ways for a good time even after it ended. I still got really dark (and violent?) much later during the heavy middle--I head-banged next to a screaming Theodore for about 15 minutes. But my attitude had totally shifted to openness in the dance, and just letting myself go because of The Circle of Life. It was so easy to let go after that. I hardly had any thoughts (except "ow, my ovaries hurt").
Yea, I had cramps the whole time until stillness at the end, when they totally released for a couple moments while I did some stretches lying on the floor. It was an incredible temporary relief, but I still was hurting on my way home. Now I feel fine though. This is the first time in as long as I can remember that I passed cramps without taking advil or something, which is great. :)
Besides dancing, I enjoyed the sun and the moon today.
And Michelle's surgery went fine, and hopefully the lab results will yield good news.
There is sooooo much more to write about but I am exhausted. And feeling good.
that's right, folks (folk? self?)
two of my close girl friends have become entirely smitten in the past week. both made quite the connection with a guy, each upon their first meeting (/online encounter). both the man-folk live abroad (in other cities nearby, that is) but apparently are perfectly peculiar, and match the quirks of each gal in uncanny ways.
why is this notable?
no clue, except that both happened almost at the exact same time, and both ladies have been updating me constantly (to my delight) about the progression of their interactions, and at times I almost lose track of what is happening with who. but its neat to experience, even as an "onlooker." I now know that the giddiness that comes from this beginning part of a relationship can also be felt vicariously, especially when the situations are reminiscent of your own experiences.
sorry (or not so much) about my writing style tonight. Lord of the Rings and Michelle (and probably the people from the Netherlands who are living in our house right now) are rubbing off on me. and also, i am tired, and have a lot on my mind, and a lot to write about, and not the braincells to censor myself too thoroughly. not that there's much to censor, minus a strange/awkward turn of phrase.
but anyway, yes. love is in the air.
two of my close girl friends have become entirely smitten in the past week. both made quite the connection with a guy, each upon their first meeting (/online encounter). both the man-folk live abroad (in other cities nearby, that is) but apparently are perfectly peculiar, and match the quirks of each gal in uncanny ways.
why is this notable?
no clue, except that both happened almost at the exact same time, and both ladies have been updating me constantly (to my delight) about the progression of their interactions, and at times I almost lose track of what is happening with who. but its neat to experience, even as an "onlooker." I now know that the giddiness that comes from this beginning part of a relationship can also be felt vicariously, especially when the situations are reminiscent of your own experiences.
sorry (or not so much) about my writing style tonight. Lord of the Rings and Michelle (and probably the people from the Netherlands who are living in our house right now) are rubbing off on me. and also, i am tired, and have a lot on my mind, and a lot to write about, and not the braincells to censor myself too thoroughly. not that there's much to censor, minus a strange/awkward turn of phrase.
but anyway, yes. love is in the air.
I was re-reading my vision quest introduction letter today as I attempted to write my intention essay and decided I wanted to post it here so all (2) of my faithful readers could see some of what I've thinking about recently.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Fellow Questers,
Hello.
My name is Alex Eisenberg and I am a 22 year old female. My preferred pronouns
are “she” and “her.” I am excited to meet you all, and am so looking forward to
reading your stories and intentions. Here’s
a bit of mine.
As a recent
graduate from the Evergreen State College, I am entering a new stage of my life.
With me I carry much grief for the state of the world, anger at humanity and
self, fear for the future, etc. I hope to channel these responses into positive
work and effective change though do not yet know how.
During
my years at Evergreen I did not declare a major, nor did I get trained for a
career. My experience was far more expansive than focusing, which means I am eagerly
seeking direction at this time. In college I was continuously exposed to the
reality of environmental and human injustice that is allowed and enacted daily across
the globe. I learned to approach these problems by observing connections and looking
for hidden variables. This
systems-thinking has recently helped me realize that my consciousness and
mental and emotional health are all linked to that of the earth. I now see that
I have previously neglected those pieces on a personal level, and that I must
nurture and cultivate them in myself in order to be most effective in my
efforts for a better world. The quest will be a container for me to begin mending
and growing those aspects of myself.
This
past year has been one of the most difficult and transformative of my life. It
has called me to delve deeper into personal soul work and the healing of wounds
inflicted by living in a damaged society that lacks the focus of spirituality
or community. I feel as though I am in a perpetually liminal state, between who
I was raised to be (by my parents and dominant culture), and who I want and
need to become (for the world and for myself). I believe this is in part
because I have never had a true rite of passage—this quest will be my first—and
have been inexplicably thrust in a new direction this year (toward spirit and
community), but with no instructions for how to fully access it. I seek the intention
that comes with community and spirituality, and this quest is a perfect opportunity
to begin shaping it.
While
I would already claim to have spiritual beliefs, they are private and abstract.
From my Christian upbringing and various experiences in the church, I have
become deeply resistant to organized religion and group spiritual practice of
any form, as they are very easy to manipulate. I do not have dedicated spiritual
practices or a spiritual community, and I have not experienced any that I am
truly comfortable with. Until recently, this
did not bother me. However, new realizations about the world (particularly as I
begin to comprehend the long-term consequences of nuclear power in the
aftermath of Fukashima) have forced me to reconcile my despair with something
more sustaining and connective, and less rooted in the scientific or logic-based
responses I have tried to depend on. This quest will be in part, a way to delve
into a focused exploration of my spiritual beliefs, perhaps to find clarity and
comfort within my own spirituality, while exploring ways to engage spiritually
with others, with you. Though I still feel resistance to it, I am compelled
toward it by the needs of this time and myself.
Here
are some other thoughts about my intention for the quest: I seek to face the
guilt I feel as a privileged middle-class, white, straight, cis-person in a
vastly unequal world that is being ravaged by my species. I seek to cultivate
personal strength and be self-supporting, while simultaneously remembering that
I am part of a whole and cannot survive alone. I seek to learn to embrace and
create community on all scales, and find ways to be an effective member within
them. I seek time alone to grieve fully and openly, without other obligations,
without anything but my sorrow, my heart, and the earth. I seek to explore whatever
emerges when I open myself up to the world in this way.
Fellow
Questers, thank you for taking all of this into your hearts, and for stepping
into this journey along side me.
See you all soon,
Alex
danced to a fiddler's celtic tune in a parking lot
had my first attempt at split pea soup (success!)
made gfdf muffins (uber success)
hung out with my wonderful housemate and three crazy dogs
attempted to write my quest essay
enjoyed the sun
among other things
(like getting into an intense internet debate
and
doing laundry)
nothing too important, but it feels like a lot of good things. :)
had my first attempt at split pea soup (success!)
made gfdf muffins (uber success)
hung out with my wonderful housemate and three crazy dogs
attempted to write my quest essay
enjoyed the sun
among other things
(like getting into an intense internet debate
and
doing laundry)
nothing too important, but it feels like a lot of good things. :)
JOANNA MACY IS GOING TO BE AT WOMEN'S CONGRESS!!
Beautiful dreams are coming true.
Beautiful dreams are coming true.
Been feeling somewhat angry at the world. Or, a lot. But yesterday helped--catching up with some awesome ladies. And my quest prep has been grounding and immensely powerful too. And, duh, backpacking with Carolyn=incredible. Lots to think about. Lots to write about, but most of that is going to be private for now.
But I do wish to express my anger and frustration at this moment, just to get it out of my system. Consider yourself warned.
So... basically... here's the thing: I am fucking sick of (mostly) old (mostly) white (mostly) males running the world! FUCKING SICK OF IT.ARG
So, as you can probably tell, the green building code symposium went well.
I mean, I guess I am getting used to being the youngest person at those things, and being surrounded by grey-haired people in fat-suits...er, fat people in grey suits...er suits with phat grey hair (...not judging, just noticing) [Am I gonna lose potential jobs over this?]. And I am getting used to hearing them talk about merely reducing our utter destructiveness in a business-polite fashion in their business-casual vernacular/clothing blabitty blah blah bull. Needless to say I bit my tongue a bunch but couldn't stifle a few loud exhale sounds that probably made some bushy, grey caterpillar-eyebrows cock their butts in the air (or their heads, but its really hard to tell anyway). But hear-you-me, I would have spoken my mind if I wasn't volunteering or representing the Guild by association.
Like, "um, excuse me... you don't want to put a better code into law because then people who are always pushing the boundaries would somehow suddenly find it acceptable or beneficial to shoot for the lowest standard? and even if they did, the lowest standard would call for much more efficiency across the board which would be better in the long term anyway because we wouldn't have wasted all the resources making more shitty buildings. i mean, its not like we've been waiting for years for everyone to jump on the already super green-washed (with '100% natural' soap) bandwagon of 'sustainability.' and you are saying we shouldn't create laws that mandate 'green' building because then it won't be cool anymore? might that perspective be because the success of your company/paycheck depends on your 'green-building' offerings being on the cutting edge, which wouldn't be the case if better building practices became the mandated standard?"
Once again, it was a dog-fight between the private and public sector...
So why not both? Why not market-based incentives AND regulatory solutions? WHY WHY WHY? I think I understand. It's all about money. But it sounds like this:
"Because I am a man, and don't understand the meaning of compromise" "NO! I am a man and I have all the answers, but they are better than yours" "I am man! HEAR ME ROAR! in my suit. and tie. and... beer belly..." "oh! and I am a woman and I have an opinion too! but it's still based off this bullshit reality of market economies and what is or isn't feasible in our ridiculous government system. but i know how this part of the world works because i have been working in this unfortunate field since the dawn of the dinosaurs. RAR!"
Okay, okay. I'm not being very fair at all. They genuinely care (probably). They donated their time to spend at this thing, and have dedicated their lives to trying to contribute to a more beautiful (?) world, and they are doing it in the ways they know how.
But it doesn't help if you get in the way of people who are doing the things that make the difference. And if you live in a bubble of relative security, ignorant or ignoring-ant of the actual real-life physical/emotional/metaphysical/hubalal impacts of the things you are talking about.
I know. I know. It's too complex (aka time intensive, aka expensive) to consider everything. We are all just doing our best. Hopefully for the common good, but it's hard to tell sometimes, especially when one of the presenters was like "yup, i was in the regular old building design business and i moved to green building when it became profitable."
in the meantime, all these old people in my life are telling me "that's just how people are, we need to take advantage of it by creating incentives and propaganda etc." so shoot. i guess i better just call that acceptable. (*retch*) but its effective! i know it. (*retch*)
would you believe me if I said I DONT I DONT KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE? or what to do? or... who I am...
and on that note:
"What if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me; and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I, myself, am the enemy who must be loved -- what then?” -CG Jung
But I do wish to express my anger and frustration at this moment, just to get it out of my system. Consider yourself warned.
So... basically... here's the thing: I am fucking sick of (mostly) old (mostly) white (mostly) males running the world! FUCKING SICK OF IT.ARG
So, as you can probably tell, the green building code symposium went well.
I mean, I guess I am getting used to being the youngest person at those things, and being surrounded by grey-haired people in fat-suits...er, fat people in grey suits...er suits with phat grey hair (...not judging, just noticing) [Am I gonna lose potential jobs over this?]. And I am getting used to hearing them talk about merely reducing our utter destructiveness in a business-polite fashion in their business-casual vernacular/clothing blabitty blah blah bull. Needless to say I bit my tongue a bunch but couldn't stifle a few loud exhale sounds that probably made some bushy, grey caterpillar-eyebrows cock their butts in the air (or their heads, but its really hard to tell anyway). But hear-you-me, I would have spoken my mind if I wasn't volunteering or representing the Guild by association.
Like, "um, excuse me... you don't want to put a better code into law because then people who are always pushing the boundaries would somehow suddenly find it acceptable or beneficial to shoot for the lowest standard? and even if they did, the lowest standard would call for much more efficiency across the board which would be better in the long term anyway because we wouldn't have wasted all the resources making more shitty buildings. i mean, its not like we've been waiting for years for everyone to jump on the already super green-washed (with '100% natural' soap) bandwagon of 'sustainability.' and you are saying we shouldn't create laws that mandate 'green' building because then it won't be cool anymore? might that perspective be because the success of your company/paycheck depends on your 'green-building' offerings being on the cutting edge, which wouldn't be the case if better building practices became the mandated standard?"
Once again, it was a dog-fight between the private and public sector...
So why not both? Why not market-based incentives AND regulatory solutions? WHY WHY WHY? I think I understand. It's all about money. But it sounds like this:
"Because I am a man, and don't understand the meaning of compromise" "NO! I am a man and I have all the answers, but they are better than yours" "I am man! HEAR ME ROAR! in my suit. and tie. and... beer belly..." "oh! and I am a woman and I have an opinion too! but it's still based off this bullshit reality of market economies and what is or isn't feasible in our ridiculous government system. but i know how this part of the world works because i have been working in this unfortunate field since the dawn of the dinosaurs. RAR!"
Okay, okay. I'm not being very fair at all. They genuinely care (probably). They donated their time to spend at this thing, and have dedicated their lives to trying to contribute to a more beautiful (?) world, and they are doing it in the ways they know how.
But it doesn't help if you get in the way of people who are doing the things that make the difference. And if you live in a bubble of relative security, ignorant or ignoring-ant of the actual real-life physical/emotional/metaphysical/hubalal impacts of the things you are talking about.
I know. I know. It's too complex (aka time intensive, aka expensive) to consider everything. We are all just doing our best. Hopefully for the common good, but it's hard to tell sometimes, especially when one of the presenters was like "yup, i was in the regular old building design business and i moved to green building when it became profitable."
in the meantime, all these old people in my life are telling me "that's just how people are, we need to take advantage of it by creating incentives and propaganda etc." so shoot. i guess i better just call that acceptable. (*retch*) but its effective! i know it. (*retch*)
would you believe me if I said I DONT I DONT KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE? or what to do? or... who I am...
and on that note:
"What if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me; and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I, myself, am the enemy who must be loved -- what then?” -CG Jung
WHY AM I NOT A FOREST CREATURE?
WHY DID I COME BACK HERE?
WHY AM I SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER?
WHY DID I COME BACK HERE?
WHY AM I SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER?
stop fracking
stop nuclear
stop the pipeline
stop mining
stop removing mountaintops
stop drilling
stop tar sands
stop bombing
stop shooting
stop threatening
stop lying
stop arguing
stop politicizing
stop polarizing
stop planning
stop building
stop manufacturing
stop consuming
stop selling
stop paving
stop driving
stop flying
stop sprawling
stop spreading
stop moving
stop drinking
stop smoking
stop shooting-up
stop posting
stop texting
stop talking
stop listening
stop reading
stop writing
stop eating
stop thinking
stop hoping
stop breathing
just fucking stop for a second.
go outside
and look around
and feel what is happening in the world
to the world
to your home
to your heart.
take it all in.
now breathe.
now take a step.
now start thinking
and hoping
and start changing things.
go
slowly
and don't forget how to stop.
(i don't know what's next, but maybe if we were all honest with ourselves whatever is next will be better.)
stop nuclear
stop the pipeline
stop mining
stop removing mountaintops
stop drilling
stop tar sands
stop bombing
stop shooting
stop threatening
stop lying
stop arguing
stop politicizing
stop polarizing
stop planning
stop building
stop manufacturing
stop consuming
stop selling
stop paving
stop driving
stop flying
stop sprawling
stop spreading
stop moving
stop drinking
stop smoking
stop shooting-up
stop posting
stop texting
stop talking
stop listening
stop reading
stop writing
stop eating
stop thinking
stop hoping
stop breathing
just fucking stop for a second.
go outside
and look around
and feel what is happening in the world
to the world
to your home
to your heart.
take it all in.
now breathe.
now take a step.
now start thinking
and hoping
and start changing things.
go
slowly
and don't forget how to stop.
(i don't know what's next, but maybe if we were all honest with ourselves whatever is next will be better.)
Cameron and I watched all the Lord of the Rings movies since graduation. Watching them, I have decided I want to try to live my life as a great and noble quest. To live with more conviction about my duty and passion, and to embody dedication to what I care for. To keep questioning myself and others, and to continue asking, but to speak with strength and beauty, even in uncertainty. Cameron always encourages me to say things, even if I am unsure about their truth. There is probably no avoiding this in any case, but it is a difficult task to take on consciously. I am getting better.
Now that I am able to slow down, I can start to integrate. There is much to be integrated, but I am able to be more conscious of and committed to the processes necessary. I do not have to force so much anymore--things just emerge: poetry, activity, other things that have no name. Synchronicity and a sense of rightness surround me like humid air, and hold me.
There is still doubt. Fear, regret, loneliness, disappointment, frustration. And I would be a fool to think that panic will not overtake me again. But it is nice to know that I can find pockets like this where there is peace.
Last night, at the sunset, Carolyn and I discussed her situation and it brought up something that I had been thinking about in relation to my own life. How much we (as a society) value obtaining independence, particularly financially. In many situations, this is more than a value but a need. In any case, we consider those who are not financially independent as some sort of failure. But in this moment, I am not financially independent, and do not yet have plans or a need to be, especially in this time of emotional and spiritual shifting. I am a highly privileged person with the the unique opportunity for a season of stillness.
For a time I had been thinking "Oh, how selfish am I? I am emotionally turbulent and need this time to heal. I am bringing no good to the world. I am just sucking up resources and life." But now I can see that in my personal healing, I am healing parts of the world. And even in the absence of immediate demand upon me, I have much to offer. Yes, I have so much to give right now and how wonderful it is that I only need to focus on that--on shifting the energy of the world, inwardly and outwardly. I have time. I can use that time to benefit the world. The failure would be if I remained only a consumer--able but unwilling to give back.
There is no ignoring it: this is a privilege that most people cannot enjoy. I do not take that lightly. I feel the gentle weight of my responsibility in this time. There is much in it, but it does not feel heavy because it does not feel urgent, though much of it is. The fact that I have the time to spend on it brings me peace and encouragement.
Now that I am able to slow down, I can start to integrate. There is much to be integrated, but I am able to be more conscious of and committed to the processes necessary. I do not have to force so much anymore--things just emerge: poetry, activity, other things that have no name. Synchronicity and a sense of rightness surround me like humid air, and hold me.
There is still doubt. Fear, regret, loneliness, disappointment, frustration. And I would be a fool to think that panic will not overtake me again. But it is nice to know that I can find pockets like this where there is peace.
Last night, at the sunset, Carolyn and I discussed her situation and it brought up something that I had been thinking about in relation to my own life. How much we (as a society) value obtaining independence, particularly financially. In many situations, this is more than a value but a need. In any case, we consider those who are not financially independent as some sort of failure. But in this moment, I am not financially independent, and do not yet have plans or a need to be, especially in this time of emotional and spiritual shifting. I am a highly privileged person with the the unique opportunity for a season of stillness.
For a time I had been thinking "Oh, how selfish am I? I am emotionally turbulent and need this time to heal. I am bringing no good to the world. I am just sucking up resources and life." But now I can see that in my personal healing, I am healing parts of the world. And even in the absence of immediate demand upon me, I have much to offer. Yes, I have so much to give right now and how wonderful it is that I only need to focus on that--on shifting the energy of the world, inwardly and outwardly. I have time. I can use that time to benefit the world. The failure would be if I remained only a consumer--able but unwilling to give back.
There is no ignoring it: this is a privilege that most people cannot enjoy. I do not take that lightly. I feel the gentle weight of my responsibility in this time. There is much in it, but it does not feel heavy because it does not feel urgent, though much of it is. The fact that I have the time to spend on it brings me peace and encouragement.
This season... once again some combination of middle fork, flashing lights, and goodbyes; thunder or rain or both. leaning against the refrigerator or the back-hatch crying. some combination. some spiraling synchronicity. i just followed the 8's but who knows?
Day 1: I miss you.
But mostly I am just sorry. I wish I and the world would quit squandering the precious things; quit casting our gaze carelessly over all the riches we are free to enjoy, all the moments that are already perfect; quit destroying what is, for want of something more or better.
It's a fine line. There is much work to be done. Or maybe to be undone. Like the undammed Elwha with its salmon finally coming home. All we had to do was remove our doing. All we had to do was allow.
Tonight Carolyn and I sat with the sunset. The western sky this summer keeps taking my breath away. The enormous orange sun and blinded me, as I looked toward you. You must have been looking at the splash of clouds too because I felt you close.
Well according to spell check, undammed isn't a word. But it will be. It will take undoing, and simply being, and allowing, and maybe even fighting but
I have seen concrete hearts crack, and love spill out years of suppressed tears, falling ceaselessly down as we stand at the bottom speaking fiercely to the mountain, out loud, I love you.
If I had religion, if I had one prayer, that would be it. Over and over tumbling down my heart and through my veins touching everything.
I face the mountains to say it once but like water it isn't just one, it is all, and it opens cracked concrete wide and fills the empty spaces, flowing.
Day 1: I miss you.
But mostly I am just sorry. I wish I and the world would quit squandering the precious things; quit casting our gaze carelessly over all the riches we are free to enjoy, all the moments that are already perfect; quit destroying what is, for want of something more or better.
It's a fine line. There is much work to be done. Or maybe to be undone. Like the undammed Elwha with its salmon finally coming home. All we had to do was remove our doing. All we had to do was allow.
Tonight Carolyn and I sat with the sunset. The western sky this summer keeps taking my breath away. The enormous orange sun and blinded me, as I looked toward you. You must have been looking at the splash of clouds too because I felt you close.
Well according to spell check, undammed isn't a word. But it will be. It will take undoing, and simply being, and allowing, and maybe even fighting but
I have seen concrete hearts crack, and love spill out years of suppressed tears, falling ceaselessly down as we stand at the bottom speaking fiercely to the mountain, out loud, I love you.
If I had religion, if I had one prayer, that would be it. Over and over tumbling down my heart and through my veins touching everything.
I face the mountains to say it once but like water it isn't just one, it is all, and it opens cracked concrete wide and fills the empty spaces, flowing.
"What happens if we choose entertainment over humanity? In Collins's
world, we'll be obsessed with grooming, we'll talk funny, and all our
sentences will end with the same rise as questions. When Katniss is sent
to stylists to be made more telegenic before she competes, she stands
naked in front of them, strangely unembarrassed. “They're so unlike
people that I'm no more self-conscious than if a trio of oddly colored
birds were pecking around my feet,” she thinks. In order not to hate
these creatures who are sending her to her death, she imagines them as
pets. It isn't just the contestants who risk the loss of their humanity.
It is all who watch."
--Publishers Weekly, Megan Whalen Turner
found this review on the hunger games. the last two sentences just remind me of going to see the movie in theatres, as outlined in a previous post. "it isn't just the characters who risk the loss of humanity. it is all who watch."
I am signaling you through the flames.
The North Pole is not where it used to be.
Manifest Destiny is no longer manifest.
Civilization self-destructs. Nemesis is knocking at the door.
What are poets for, in such an age?
What is the use of poetry?
The state of the world calls out for poetry to save it.
If you would be a poet, create works capable of answering the challenge of apocalyptic times, even if this meaning sounds apocalyptic.
You are Whitman, you are Poe, you
are Mark Twain, you are Emily Dickinson and Edna St. Vincent Millay;
you are Neruda and Mayakovsky and Pasolini, you are an American or a
non-American, you can conquer the conquerors with words.
You can never see or hear or feel too much. If you can stand it.
Be a wolf in the sheepfold of silence.
Poems are burning bows, poems are arrows of desire, poetry gives words to the heart.I am signaling you through the flames.
Wake up! The world is on Fire.
Have a nice day.
–Excerpted from Poetry as an Insurgent Art
“Young lovers see a vision of the world redeemed by love. That is the truest thing they ever see, for without it life is death.”
― Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow: A Novel
― Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow: A Novel
is keeping me company as I do my homework tonight. Yes, I have homework tonight. Woah.
Oh, another surprising thing: Bret said something today that made me feel... good (at least in the sense that it was something I can agree with, and something I can engage with without being totally devestated). It was a very Wendell Berry-esque thing to say and I don't remember it totally but it was about how in our culture we don't value the power of limits and quality; we are numbed to true enjoyment because we are addicted to the availability and cheapness of "junk food," "junk entertainment," "junk sex," and how we should all try to be more aware of this.
It reminded me of this WB quote: "If one is to have the power and delight of one's sexuality, then the generality of instinct must be resolved in a responsible relationship to a particular person."
And... wow. Loaded, but I will save more of that discussion for my upcoming essay (which is slowly becoming a novel, which means it may self-destruct.
O saints, if I am even eligible for this prayer,
though less than worthy of this dear desire,
and if your prayers have influence in Heaven,
let my place there be lower than your own.
I know how you longed, here where you lived
as exiles, for the presence of the essential
Being and Maker and Knower of all things.
But because of my unruliness, or some erring
virtue in me never rightly schooled,
some error clear and dear, my life
has not taught me your desire for flight:
dismattered, pure, and free. I long
instead for the Heaven of creatures, of seasons,
of day and night. Heaven enough for me
would be this world as I know it, but redeemed
of our abuse of it and one another. It would be
the Heaven of knowing again. There is no marrying
in Heaven, and I submit; even so, I would like
to know my wife again, both of us young again,
and I remembering always how I loved her
when she was old. I would like to know
my children again, all my family, all my dear ones,
to see, to hear, to hold, more carefully
than before, to study them lingeringly as one
studies old verses, committing them to heart
forever. I would like again to know my friends,
my old companions, men and women, horses
and dogs, in all the ages of our lives, here
in this place that I have watched over all my life
in all its moods and seasons, never enough.
I will be leaving how many beauties overlooked?
A painful Heaven this would be, for I would know
by it how far I have fallen short. I have not
paid enough attention, I have not been grateful
enough. And yet this pain would be the measure
of my love. In eternity's once and now, pain would
place me surely in the Heaven of my earthly love.
~ Wendell Berry
from Leavings
My last week of college (through which I have sought desperately for hope) and my teacher prefaces a thought with:
"i just wanted to quickly point out the reason why none of our efforts will come to anything..."
AWESOME!
luckily the point wasn't even news, or shocking after an entire quarter of hope-shattering, but I still found it amusing in a morbid way. I don't know how some people continue to live in this world, myself included. At least I fall apart and sob for a few hours every day and consider the possibility that I might not want to live in the world. No, I'm not suicidal (at least, not any more than I have been since age 13), I just think about it a lot. No worries. I am bound... caught in the personal responsibility vortex, where nothing we do matters but we can't not do anything. Well... I suppose I don't believe that anyway. Of course it matters. It matters to the people (and non-people) around us, right now. It's like the starfish story: "it matters to that one."
It just feels like everything's a coin toss, or worse. How does good outweigh evil if evil has more power and resources, and being good depletes your resources? Not that I want to think in terms of good/evil since it's not so cut and dry, but... monsanto compared to a food co-op I guess is my point. Also... what constitutes resources? Love is a resource right, and one that is inexhaustible and self-perpetuating (i think, i hope), and it's at least no less real than the money we so-often base our lives on. Oh, I thought of a helpful equation:
love doubles, or at least grows, when spread.
radiation halves and dissipates.
It's an emotional idea shoved into a semi-logical math problem and yea, it's dumb, but if you were in my brain right now, that really wouldn't matter. I'm just trying to find some hope.
Hope. You know? That thing that gets you up in the morning when you're depressed. The idea that propels you forward when all else seems lost. The thumb that you stick out when you are ejected into outer space and have like .33 milliseconds to get picked up before you implode. You know: Hope.
I see the problems with it:
You get your hopes up. They aren't realized. You're disappointed/devastated, or feel wasted.
Or maybe you rely too much on hope alone and don't do anything to make something happen, or not happen, or change.
I get it.
But it's still valuable. It's worth like a hundred buckets in some situations (though I suppose in some situations a bucket equates to hope.......... beside the point). Hope helps, sometimes. If something is hopeless, why continue with it? That's how I know Bret has hope, even though he says those things, even though they are grounded in logic. He has kids. He is still fighting.
Derrick Jensen, in his article Beyond Hope, give the definition: "hope is a longing for a future condition over which you have no agency; it means you are essentially powerless [...] Many people say they hope the dominant culture stops destroying the world. By saying that, they’ve assumed that the destruction will continue, at least in the short term, and they’ve stepped away from their own ability to participate in stopping it." but... it doesn't always work that way. sometimes it is the hope, the possibility, that is only reason you can muster the ability to keep trying in the face of great odds. At least for me, in many instances, it is hope that propels or initiates action. If life is meaningless and there is no hope and nothing can do about nuclear radiation killing us all, then fuck, I might as well just stop lamenting what can't be changed and forget about trying to change it and just enjoy my life like nothing is wrong. Or off myself... Not that I could do those things, but isn't that Camus' existentialism in a nutshell? And don't people subscribe to that? Hope that there is meaning, hope that meaning can continue, hope that life can continue allows us to try to do what is in our power to make that happen. To try. To try hard. To fight like hell.
Though, now I'm all confused because I was thinking about all the reasons I've found myself hoping for collapse... but is that something I would want to try to make happen? Probably not... even though I think its the quickest way to halt the extractive, destructive machine of human society that's out of control. And I also realize collapse wouldn't solve the issue of nuclear. Damnit. It's like K-19. (Don't put shit like that on a submarine. Or a planet.) Hmm, that makes me think: Maybe this issue is something that's been after me my whole life, giving me clues and cues to pick up on, until the right moment when it could attack and I would understand. I was fascinated by that movie even though it disturbed me so deeply. And now that disturbance is resounding times a hundred million squared. I have to do something about it. And in order to do that, I have to be able to hold onto some hope that something effective can be done. I don't know if I have that yet, which explains my equation (and the sobbing). But now we're back to me falling into Jensen's trap...just trying to find a way to feel like even if nothing changes, it's still okay. Which it isn't. But what if there is nothing we can do? Is love the backup parachute? Not just. It also helps in other ways.
...blah, rambling.
geez. i'm tired. oh.. that's cause its really late.
so much for homework... though I guess this is.
goodnight
I'll take a compliment first though:
"Dear Alex Courage Eisenberg..Ms. WiseBeyondHerGeneration (and maybe many of ours)..thank you for giving back!" --
gosh. there it is. love just spiraling out and out and out...
"i just wanted to quickly point out the reason why none of our efforts will come to anything..."
AWESOME!
luckily the point wasn't even news, or shocking after an entire quarter of hope-shattering, but I still found it amusing in a morbid way. I don't know how some people continue to live in this world, myself included. At least I fall apart and sob for a few hours every day and consider the possibility that I might not want to live in the world. No, I'm not suicidal (at least, not any more than I have been since age 13), I just think about it a lot. No worries. I am bound... caught in the personal responsibility vortex, where nothing we do matters but we can't not do anything. Well... I suppose I don't believe that anyway. Of course it matters. It matters to the people (and non-people) around us, right now. It's like the starfish story: "it matters to that one."
It just feels like everything's a coin toss, or worse. How does good outweigh evil if evil has more power and resources, and being good depletes your resources? Not that I want to think in terms of good/evil since it's not so cut and dry, but... monsanto compared to a food co-op I guess is my point. Also... what constitutes resources? Love is a resource right, and one that is inexhaustible and self-perpetuating (i think, i hope), and it's at least no less real than the money we so-often base our lives on. Oh, I thought of a helpful equation:
love doubles, or at least grows, when spread.
radiation halves and dissipates.
It's an emotional idea shoved into a semi-logical math problem and yea, it's dumb, but if you were in my brain right now, that really wouldn't matter. I'm just trying to find some hope.
Hope. You know? That thing that gets you up in the morning when you're depressed. The idea that propels you forward when all else seems lost. The thumb that you stick out when you are ejected into outer space and have like .33 milliseconds to get picked up before you implode. You know: Hope.
I see the problems with it:
You get your hopes up. They aren't realized. You're disappointed/devastated, or feel wasted.
Or maybe you rely too much on hope alone and don't do anything to make something happen, or not happen, or change.
I get it.
But it's still valuable. It's worth like a hundred buckets in some situations (though I suppose in some situations a bucket equates to hope.......... beside the point). Hope helps, sometimes. If something is hopeless, why continue with it? That's how I know Bret has hope, even though he says those things, even though they are grounded in logic. He has kids. He is still fighting.
Derrick Jensen, in his article Beyond Hope, give the definition: "hope is a longing for a future condition over which you have no agency; it means you are essentially powerless [...] Many people say they hope the dominant culture stops destroying the world. By saying that, they’ve assumed that the destruction will continue, at least in the short term, and they’ve stepped away from their own ability to participate in stopping it." but... it doesn't always work that way. sometimes it is the hope, the possibility, that is only reason you can muster the ability to keep trying in the face of great odds. At least for me, in many instances, it is hope that propels or initiates action. If life is meaningless and there is no hope and nothing can do about nuclear radiation killing us all, then fuck, I might as well just stop lamenting what can't be changed and forget about trying to change it and just enjoy my life like nothing is wrong. Or off myself... Not that I could do those things, but isn't that Camus' existentialism in a nutshell? And don't people subscribe to that? Hope that there is meaning, hope that meaning can continue, hope that life can continue allows us to try to do what is in our power to make that happen. To try. To try hard. To fight like hell.
Though, now I'm all confused because I was thinking about all the reasons I've found myself hoping for collapse... but is that something I would want to try to make happen? Probably not... even though I think its the quickest way to halt the extractive, destructive machine of human society that's out of control. And I also realize collapse wouldn't solve the issue of nuclear. Damnit. It's like K-19. (Don't put shit like that on a submarine. Or a planet.) Hmm, that makes me think: Maybe this issue is something that's been after me my whole life, giving me clues and cues to pick up on, until the right moment when it could attack and I would understand. I was fascinated by that movie even though it disturbed me so deeply. And now that disturbance is resounding times a hundred million squared. I have to do something about it. And in order to do that, I have to be able to hold onto some hope that something effective can be done. I don't know if I have that yet, which explains my equation (and the sobbing). But now we're back to me falling into Jensen's trap...just trying to find a way to feel like even if nothing changes, it's still okay. Which it isn't. But what if there is nothing we can do? Is love the backup parachute? Not just. It also helps in other ways.
...blah, rambling.
geez. i'm tired. oh.. that's cause its really late.
so much for homework... though I guess this is.
goodnight
I'll take a compliment first though:
"Dear Alex Courage Eisenberg..Ms. WiseBeyondHerGeneration (and maybe many of ours)..thank you for giving back!" --
gosh. there it is. love just spiraling out and out and out...
"you have strong medicine inside you"
