uhh
weird day.

first dive: Fish ID (since we cant do night dive as a class tonight).
that was fun.
second dive: wreck dive.
but my fucking right ear wouldn't equalize. so instead of swimming inside a sunken ship, i got to swim back to shore by myself. rinsed and hung all my gear and then passed out in a hammock. woke up who knows how much later after having a dream about a movie I havent even seen yet (The Greatest) and realized that everyone was eating lunch already. went in and got a sloppy joe and fries and potato salad and sat and ate. in a pretty bad mood...

then got ready for the afternoon dive which was to Mary's Place and my parents absolutely insisted I go. They were right. it was an awesome dive. we went through two really deep cracks, and then saw these cool really long super thin silver fish. also the fattest fish i've ever seen was hiding in a cave, but my mom spotted him and pointed him out.

Mom Becca and Dad did the drop dive. i came in on the boat. don't have the best diving stamina.



uhhhg. the worst part about this place is that some much of the staff just hits on you. well, me. right now im just sitting here at the computer and the guy at the bar kept yelling something. i didnt look over until i realized he was saying "Baby" over and over (which is what he called me when he passed a bit ago). when i looked, he said "baby, can i bring you a coke?"
i looked at him funny and he said "on me."
well... there was really no saying no to a free drink, but... oh

yup... there he goes again...
"any drink from the bar you ever want or need, just let me know. on me."

whelp...i'll never be thirsty here, thats for sure.

oh! hes back again...
"you done? you want a munkylala? anything! anything! dont be shy wit me. what do you want?"

oh good.
he just called someone else 'baby' too.


anywhoo...
back to the states in two days, this time for more than 48 hours, but hopefully not too long. my heart already yerns for South America.

Oh YEA.
so here's something actually interesting and important... i am trying to write a book. been THINKING about it for years and years and years. but suddenly i am being called to it. problem is... i got nothing. no idea is ever good enough. no topic compelling enough to develop an idea. and even if i did...

well, at least it is on my mind, and maybe because i am open to the possibility, i might accidentally stumble upon something in my head that would eventually make a good book. i day dream all the time. i DREAM all the time. this should be easy. my dreams are all like scifi though, which really isnt the genre i would be into. i guess i dont know yet, cause ive never written fiction. i remember the few i did for assignments and such but those were some of the only written assignments i didnt finish, or if i did, i didnt like them.

im just never gonna be the writer i want to be, and that sucks, but that just means I will have to keep working at it my whole life. im starting to hate blogging though, because it lets me be lazy about my writing. there are no expectations and there is no challenge and... its all just a bunch of bullshit that no one wants to read. occasionally what i write is funny, but usually im the only one who thinks so. (im starting to think most of my humor will be shared by no one else, but maybe i just havent been with many people lately).



Alejandra just came over and said i could do the wreck dive tomorrow morning. sweet.

ok... more later.

got proposed to today by Jorge, one of the staff here. he told me he wanted to buy a condo, but only if i would marry him and live there with him. he also said he is going to buy me a "fresca" every day this week, and if i ever want more to just put it on his tab. then when he handed me the sprite bottle he told me that his heart is for me...
oh god.


haha.
i think ever since i dated Tony there is like this invisible aura around me that attracts Spanish-speakers...

anyway...
did our deep dive for class today.
100 feet!
its not that much different than 30, actually. except maybe how fast you can think. we did a little shape-in-the-hole test to show how much slower we are at that depth. 30 seconds to 1:19.
hmm.. and then we did our "peak performance buoyancy" dive. "swimming" through these underwater triangle things.
im pretty much spent for the day and its only noon. dont think i will be doing the afternoon trips.

yesterday we got to spend some time at the Prince Albert which is the sunken ship down there. that was rad. on Thursday we have another wreck dive, on a plane, and hopefully a night dive too. tomorrow: no required dives and i might just take the day off.

lunch time.

went on 3 dives today. a crack dive, then a wall dive this morning.
after lunch we had class and did our navigation dive. underwater compass work.

finished Bree's story after photographing some hummingbirds. both good things.

everyone here is incredibly kind. the food is amazing as well.


feel lonely. my family is all here. im just really distant right now...

The Short Second Life of Bree Turner, Stephenie Meyer's novella about the character that appears briefly in Eclipse. I decided to read that before reading Breaking Dawn because it has more relevance where I am at in the story now. Started it today.

Second dive was so cool. Went down to 70 feet (on accident), saw an eel, and just got re-familiarized with what I am doing down there.

In a lot of ways it is very different here, but --in just enough ways to make me feel okay-- it is a bit like Peru. 1 is that I can still speak Spanish, with the cooks and most of the employees. Also, saw a tugtuk on the way through town. :) These things help me adjust. But as I was driving through town and saw all the signs in Spanish (even after only being in the states for a day and a half) I felt home again, and realized I probably will actually end up spending a good portion of my life in South and Central America. When I got back into the states I definately did not feel welcome. I guess that is how customs is set up, but for fucks sake, they could at least be civil, and maybe even smile. Or at the very least, not yell and treat you like you did something wrong. It pisses me off.
Oh well, just one more reason to gtfo of that country.

The first dive of the week was fun... once I felt comfortable breathing through a tube again. We saw a ship wreak that we get to explore more thoroughly later this week. Becca, Nathan and I are getting our Advanced Open Water certifications throughout this week.


Last night was rough. I thought I wasnt going to enjoy this family vacation at all. But then my family wanted to look at my pictures from Peru and hear stories, so that made me feel better. I miss Ben a lot. I miss classmates and teachers. I miss PSF.

Oh... the other day I texted Grey and apologized for last summer. He got back to me yesterday and said not to worry, so I hope he and I can be friends now.

I'm getting excited for NYSC, but also very anxious to be home. One thing at a time I guess. Its only a little over a month, anyway.

hmm... everyone at this dive resort is old...
hahah.
1 more dive today, and maybe some kayaking too.

had to say goodbye to Ben this morning...
ugh.


Anyway, I am staying at the Hilton in Miami.
Culture shock anyone?!?
Last night Ben and I ordered pizza(!!!!) and ordered Alice in Wonderland from the hotel. That was nice.

Today I am very... shaken. or, i was this morning. once I dropped Ben off at the airport I took the shuttle back to the hotel and I just wanted to cry... very hard.

Everything was different. I was really physically alone for the first time in months... In a different state than anyone I knew, in a different country then I have been (and than I want to be) and I couldnt even recognize myself in the mirror for some reason...

I turned on the TV and watched some of the World Cup. I flipped between that and the MTV Movie Awards (from sometime this year, though I have no idea when). On that there was a clip for Eclipse. Then I remembered i still have about 5% (Kindle) left in the book. I read a bunch on one of the planes yesterday. I was sobbing... on the plane. haha. Ben was really concerned about me (my mental health I think more than anything).

Anyway, so I watched the Movie Awards. It was very... shocking. I havent heard that much cussing, or seen that much or people's bodies, or heard such vulger lyrics accompianied by extremely sexual dancing, for months as well. It was just like... "oh yea... this exists in the world."


anyway, i was just really emotional about everything that is going on right now. i mean... things are so different in what I am doing and seeing. the way my mind is working. the way i look. the way i feel. who i am with (or not). what i am about to do. the place i am staying. the state of friendships. i am just... baffled by it all.
not all in a bad (or good) way. just...
fuck
im overwhelmed. i am... terrified and sad and excited and angry and happy(er) and lonesome and jealous and trying to remember to live by the things i know and have learned.

i feel calmer. more confident. i feel like i dont need people as much anymore. i feel like i dont need much anymore.
and at the same time, i feel vulnerable. and weak. and lost.

argrg

i am at an internet place. I was walking around trying to find a way to the climbing gym but then i got caught in a storm. the only place i could go into was a pizza place so i went and ate. then i realized i was too far away to the gym to get to it without paying like $30 for a cab. so i was walking back to the hostel and found this place.
but ive been here for an hour and its like $4 an hour (which seems really expensive compared to what i am use to right now) so i am gonna go.

there are a bunch of movies at the hotel i could order and enjoy watching. and there arent very many places to walk to, but i think i will keep exploring.

i hope i find something fun to do for the rest of this weird day...

see my family tomorrow, which is... too good for words.

lots of emotions this morning as I watch the sunrise over Cuzco. But the most pressing, and the most important right now is how much I love this place.

Very few times has leaving a place been this hard.
I'm not gonna be in Peru anymore, and it doesn't seem real.

I'm gonna go sit on the porch with Ben, and cuddle, and watch for a bit.

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our
response lies our growth and freedom." - Viktor E. Franklin

my uncle David posted this on Facebook this morning. He is right.
And today is beautiful.
And there is so much pain in my heart for the pains of the world, that there isn't much space for anger toward people I care about. So I choose forgiveness and understanding and love.



Eval was canceled today due to the roads to Pisac being blocked by demonstrators, so I am going back to the cemetery... one of my favorite places in Peru. I am going to write, and take pictures, and feel the power of death and life. I am going to enjoy being in this country that I love.

I can see the street out my hostal window. I think I remember the day I fell in love with the feelings I feel here, and it was while walking down this street.

reality
is just this
duality
of love and hate.

and as much as we create
we destroy.

i'm really sorry.

i dont know what got into me.

i didnt know i had to be talented to be Staph at NYSC.
what the fuck am i gonna lead 1 seminar about, let alone 3?

i just dont know how i am supposed to set all of this up before camp...
i need to do W4, and medical forms, and sign things, and scan things...
i cant do it in Peru.
and i didnt even know about it until now
and its already past the due date.
maybe they will just revoke my employment and i can just come back to peru, drop out of school and forget the rest.
probably not...
so


I have to do my eval. my conference is tomorrow (in Pisac. wtf??)

and I have to reapply for the Writing Center, asap.

Maybe I learned these lessons early... made these mistakes before other people did, but I can't help but be offended by what is going on right now. I mean, I really shouldnt be surprised. Friendship. When has that ever meant anything lasting or loyal? People betray eachother with their feelings, and their actions. Its just how it is. Even though I always understand the possibility of this happening, I trust most people I know with my heart... and that continually seems to turn into a mistake. Unfortunatly it is the only way I know how to live, and it is something I believe in... to give someone trust until they give you a reason not to, and even then, to do your best to forgive them, or be understanding about the situation. That was how I was raised, and it is how I try to live my life.

It keeps getting more difficult though. It has happened so much. Betrayal.
So now, while it seems that I become more open to people, it is only because I am hardening to them. Because I am getting stronger and realizing that everyone lets everyone else down, and that is just to be expected. And people will do things to fulfill their own motives, regardless of how it may affect others. I know I have done this too, but I try really hard not to. I'm sure others try too.


This is why though... why I want to wander. Why one place will never satisfy me. Because while it is new, there can hardly be betrayal. But trust and comfort move on with time...
Maybe PSF is the place for me. People can move in and out of my life, as they move in and out of that place... and I can be somewhere, doing something that makes me happy.

I just want ONE person. One person I can travel with, who I can trust, who I can talk to. The wonderful thing about this trip was Ben and I. We stuck together. We had eachother and thats all we needed (well, I guess I will just speak for myself). And while we were here, nothing was going to happen to that. We lived in the same hostal, slept in the same bed, for 3 weeks straight, and then traveled across the country together and dealt with a lot of physical pain, emotional discomfort, ect. We fought twice. Twice out of all this non-stop time together, and they lasted maybe 10 minutes before we apologized.
It makes me sick that this is going to end. That we are going to go back to our respective home-lives and that things will probably never be like this again. Remember when I was writing about how being at PSF was pretty much the best part of my life? He was a part of that... a huge part.

I have had tears welled up in my eyes for days... I can't get them to go away, and I certainly can't get them to come out. They are just sitting there, along with this lump in my throat. As full as this trip made my heart, it also broke it. There is a deep fissure that I am trying to fill with the love I found here in Peru, but I know I can only keep that joy in my heart for so long, before it is nothing but memories. Even if I come back, it will never be the same.

Everything changes.
Everything ends.

(entries from my personal journal):

"I want to learn from Cormac McCarthy. The care and precision and detail with which he writes is a skill I hope to at least near in my own writing. I must then, practice more; become more decided and aware about the meaning of my thoughts as words.

He constantly leaves more to be wanted; allows there to be unanswered questions. And he uses words that force the reader to become committed to understanding his true meaning. In these ways he keeps the reader's attention. They can't have everything they want in the moment, and so they are always seeking more." (5/8/10)

That was my experience, at least, when reading The Road.
------------------------------------------------------------

"My head is spinning. It feels light and my eyes are not heavy, they droop with a strange sensation that I feel with the nearing of sleep. Total comfort and...

I couldn't explain to you what is happening to me. I feel sick with comfort. I feel like crying. out of joy. I think that's what it is, but now I am second guessing myself.

Today was wonderful. The market at Pisco overwhelmed me with curiosity fulfilled. Truth and reality. Honesty of life that I have been looking for. Its something about this place that makes me feel like I am a part of life.

But that's not just it.
I fear for this, for the future, as I know things change and seeming perfection fades, and sometimes only loneliness and confusion remain. But what is happening is something so new and unexpected.
[...]
And I feel like I am spinning wildly in this strange new reality where things are actual and emotions are manifest so differently. There is no way to put it into words. I feel almost like I am part of a new sort of life. I have felt similar before, but this has been so much stronger.

I am writing in circles but only because I have yet to find anyway to say this that would represent it truely. I have felt at certain points in the past few days that some emotions I thought I had known, were never experienced by me until now. What does that even mean? Of course I have known happiness and love before. Why does this feel so new and different?

I'm afraid. I'm really afraid to allow any of this to continue -- my joy. I'm so afraid." (5/8/10)

That was from when I first got to Pisco.
------------------------------------------------------------

"Had a bad thought last night. it was a momentary relapse. And maybe I wouldn't necessarily call it a 'bad' thought. I just remembered something that drove me a little insane in the darkness: nothing lasts.

It made me toss and turn for a while. I don't know what triggered it, but suddenly I was ready to give up on this happiness that has seemed to finally become a part of my life. I guess I remembered how temporary it can be; how things change; how everything ends.

Meet Me on the Equinox was the first song that played on my ipod this morning. Everything ends." (5/10/10)
----------------------------------------------------------

"I love too easily -- people and places. I love too much, and so I hurt.
Love
involves loss.
You can't expect to love and not lose
or live and not lose.
Its just the way it is.
So you can guard yourself and be miserable, or you can open yourself to love, and people, and places. At least then your misery will [more likely] be intermittant instead of constant, and often, it will be shared.

You will still be alone -- as alone as everyone else, because you are an entity, walking, breathing on your own. And your life, your breath isnt fully reliant on anothers. If their heart stops beating, yours may flutter, but it will go on.

But even if we are alone, we can find connection, however brief. Everything is brief. Everything ends." (5/29/10)
------------------------------------------------------------

"Freedom from love is a process.
I mean not to be free of love,
but to slowly be rid of its suffocating hold. Not permanantly, but just for each individual grasp.
I only mean that I fall in love, and I fall hard (whether for person, or place, or feeling). This love often manifests itself in ways that mimic addiction, and border obsession. Tony and Zach are key examples of this. Perhaps the way I love is unhealthy.
Along with love, I adopt a fear of what will happen if I 'lose' it (the object of my affection). But the truth is, we lose what we love.
Perhaps the way I love is not unhealthy. Perhaps it is just honest. (Though it could demonstrate a weakness in myself that I so deeply rely on such a connection).
It doesnt really matter what it means though; not really, not if I can't change it.

What I want to say is that loveing (for me) is consuming. Almost all-consuming (good or bad). But I also don't think I would have it any other way. To feel any less deeply would be to lose a sincere part of myself.

And other thing: I know that I CAN be free of it. Not completely because the love will always be in my heart, a part of my soul. But I can free myself of it enough that I can breathe, and enough that I can love again (even if I didnt think I would ever want to).

Tony. I love Tony, to this day, but it is distant now. I loved him as much as one could love another. For so long it was like fire inside of me. I thought that burning love would last forever; that it would consume me completely. It took years of being rejected, being far away, and returning, and being turned away, and returning, and being used. And finally, eventually, I was free of it.

Oh man, that felt...
well, the way it was forced upon me was painful, but the release was a relief.

Unfortunately, this coincided with... Zach.
So in my breath for air... in my deep inhale, expecting nothing too significant, nothing heavy, I choked on something more. Instead of breathing, instead of floating, I was suddenly drowning again --worse than I was before. I was completely inundated, knocked off guard, spun around, ...lost. The ground I was on was gone. The thoughts in my head were questioned. Everything I had done to climb up the wall was lost, and suddenly I was at the bottom again.

How could one person, a couple of nights, completely destroy 3 years of recovery? How could I let myself fall for it again?

I didn't know if I would surface. I didnt know if I would even be able to get off the bottom. I didnt even know if I wanted to. Part of me just wanted it to end.

What happened with Zach... it wasnt all about him. It was a trigger for the rest of my depression.

Meaninglessness
weakness
loss of love
existance of love?
existance of happiness?

But... now, even as I havent seen him for 2.5 months, I love him.
Except today, Ari and Cari posted pictures from their trip to the beach, and I didnt feel the pangs of despised love I thought I would upon seeing his image.
My mind, my dreams, only know what I knew of how I think I feel, based on what I felt before. So when I dream of walking up his steps to see him for the first time, my heart pounding, my chest tightening so much that it wakes me... it is based on how i felt before. Not on how I would feel now, if I actually saw him again.
When I saw his picture, obviously the love was there, but I realized that, however slowly, I will be released from the breathtaking hold that once possessed me about him. That lets me breathe easier, and I can hope that more time, with continued distance, will allow the progression of this release-- as it did with Tony. I anticipate moments of return, of relapse, but...

life has happened, and it allows us to love,
and it forces us to change.

And in change
we lose
and we gain."
(5/30/10)

--------------------------------------------------
2 Poems...

"Lies slip off my tongue with the ease of butter across a heated pan
gliding,
melting,
leaving little trace.
And the truth simmers in tiny bubbles,
until they lift away in steam,
unseen."

"Rejection is a weighted pit at the bottom of my chest;
it sits alone and heavy, reminding me of my emptiness."
(5/30/10)
--------------------------------------------------------

These next ones are from the bus ride from Pisco (Ica) to Cuzco.


"From beginning to end, you don't understand it all. You get bits and pieces that you add to your collection.

But sometimes there are moments where it all comes together. Moments where you actually transcend the capacity of your mind. All of those moments they said would make you grow, combine into some sort of mashup of thoughts/emotions/actions that suddenly line up and form a new part of yourself that you can access. True growth. The manifestation of a bunch of nothings (and somethings) into something (and nothing) new."
--

"The stars.

They are there.
And you forget about them.
And then one day you look up
and they are still there."
(5/31/10)

i wish my happiness could offset my sadness
the way my sadness manages to offset my happiness.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

"you weren't good enough, and you never will be"

Machu Picchu!

presentations!

how much i love Peru, and my class, and Ben and our journeys!


i couldn´t get into it now because we are gonna go eat soon (Indian Buffet, here we come!)
and i need to sleep tonight...
but i have too much energy right now.


!!!!

so on our little hike today from Santa Teresa to Aguas Calientes I got sickish (diarrhea), which is sorta normal now. but we were in the middle of nowhere (not that this is new either), and I am also on my period and have a yeast infection. (Just thought yall should know.) And now we are in the most touristy place in the world (surrounded by beautiful mountains) and it makes me wish I was back in Pisco (surrounded by desert). We will see if all of this was worth it when we go see Machu Picchu tomorrow. I mean, the drive last night was surreal.... just enchanting. And the hike today was wonderful. But I hate the feeling that I am being ripped off all the time, and I hate how history has become a monopoly. And I hate that I am a part of that.


Lots of homework to do today. Off to that.

i guess i don't want anything except for people to be honest with me.
i can deal with the rest myself.
___________

"Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet;
sinking feeling.
Spin me round again, and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening."

I cant decide if this is how i feel, but i cant get enough of this song. Listen to it. Hide and Seek. Imogen Heap.
___________

I have so much to type up from journals.
Later though.

well, back in Cuzco. It was one heck of a bus ride, so Ben and I are pretty lucky to be alive right now.

Can´t believe it´s June....

Oh, and what the hell? Its suddenly kinda cold. (Side affect of being in the mountains in the Winter). Missing the desert but it was actually pretty comforting driving into the city and recognizing everything. Felt like home too.

So far in Cuzco we have run into 4 former PSF-ers and two people from Andean Roots. Ate at Jack´s, naturally, and slept. Howard from PSF told us about a hostal where volunteers get discounts... 2 soles less per night! But its actually a REALLY good deal, cause the hostal is super nice and has a bunch of great features (yay hot showers!)

Off to dinner soonish. Later I will write more about the crazy bus ride, my psychotic dream on the bus ride, and another dream I had a few nights ago.

Tomorrow we leave for our quick trip to Machu Picchu (probably).


I feel pretty good, but I have a bad feeling about something, though I don´t know what it is...

it's heaps and it heaps
in my minddddddddddd
like on the side of the...
and i can't put it here.for you.in words.

the sunset spans the coast
my mind spans the...
spams the...
spasm
sp.sp.spa
spasms of reality
{and its okay by...}


well... the things i missed i gained in imagination.
oh yes.. so much concentration --on my dreams
and what they mean.

So...

one more day of vvork at PSF. Yup, tomorrovv is our last day. Yesterday I shovved Thays the guidelines I vvrote up. She really appreciated them, and thanked me for taking the initiative to do that. Hopefully they actually get circulated once edited and such. Yesterday vvasnt the best vvork day. Ben had to (got to) get up early to go to Super Fun Tovvn, so I then had the responsibility of actually getting my ass outta bed. I set a bunch of alarms, but my dreams kept pulling me back to sleep. One dream in particular, actually. Dream: I vvas vvalking up those stairs as I did so many times, and I vvas getting the same tight feeling in my chest as I alvvays did. As I knocked on the door at the top, the tightness vvorsened and the pain vvas so much that I started clutching my chest and sort of flailing until I opened my eyes and it vvas dark. I vvoke up in my hostal room, my heart pounding, my chest so tight it inhibited me from moving for a long second.

But I vvanted to go in the door, so I pushed myself back into sleep. The dream continued vvithout so much violence or pain. Just the semi-normality it vvould be had it been the real situation. I don´t remember it though. Just the sun, setting for hours. Oh, so fitting.

Anyvvay, by the time I finally pulled myself out of my tvvisted, fanatical mind for long enough to check the clock I had already slept through breakfast and half the morning meeting. Ugg. I started dressing and getting ready and trying to figure out hovv to get in late vvithout being noticed. I may have done, if TBC vvasnt vvalking up to the house right as I vvas. He knevv instantly and pointed at his vvrist in annoyance. He asked me hovv I vvould like to clean the house today, and I said I´d absolutely love to. He then pretty much escorted me to the board to vvrite my name dovvn. Then Carolina approached me and invited me to clean some bathrooms and svveep and mop the corridoors. I don't mind cleaning, I just don't like being treated as though its a punishment for presumably staying up late drinking, vvhich I obviously didnt do. Actually, I stayed up doing homevvork for the organization. But vvhatever. Simon vvas playing some dubstep from the kitchen for a vvhile and vvhen that faded into hiphop I just turned on my ipod and listened and danced vvhile I svvept up the enormous piles of dirt that alvvays manage to reappear in full force, the broken beer bottles people had littered all over the halls, and the millions of little streamer things from the poppers the night before. It vvas kinda a big job, and annoying cause the vvind vvas blovving everything everyvvhere. Then I cleaned a couple bathrooms. After that I just helped some people sand some blocks of vvood they are using as templates for building the nevv recycled-vvood modular homes vve are gonna start "mass-producing" fairly soon.

I guess it turned out to be a productive day. VVent to lunch at Tronco´s vvhich is far-superior to Diana´s. Had lomo and tried to enjoy the company. I ended up at the angry side of the table.
:/

After lunch I vvent back to the house to get my camera and stuff and as I vvas vvalking back to the hostal I savv tvvo of the volunteers running back to the house vvith urgency. I follovved them back in the door and asked vvhat they needed. A backboard. Apparently there vvas a carcrash dovvn the road. They disappear somevvhere and I look around for a human-sized peice of vvood. Nothing, so I decided to vvalk dovvn to vvhere all the commotion is. It vvas a tugtuk and likely a motorcycle crash. One guy vvas hardly moving. PSF volunteers got him onto the piece of vvood they found and loaded him into a truck. Then an ambulance came (same type of pickup truck, but they moved him anyvvay). Tvvo volunteers studying medicine road vvith him. Didn´t hear anything further about vvhat happened to him. The rest of the volunteers headed back to the house and the crovvd cleared. I picked the debris from the crash out of the road and piled it up on the side, then vvalked across the street to the hostal.


Ben and I vvent out to dinner. Then vve vvalked around, ate icecream cones and got some snacks for later.

VVent to bed fairly early. Had tvvo fucked up dreams last night.
1) Nathan died. All I remember vvas I vvas the only one there to vvitness his death, and the reason he died vvas really strange. He thought it vvas the only vvas for some reason. He vvas in some sort of physical or emotional pain and he didnt vvant to vvait it out, or try to make it better, or see a doctor, he just vvanted to die. He got the injection and I vvatched him die. He didn´t even give me a chance to talk to him about the things I needed to say. I even forgot to say I love you. Mom and Dad and Becca got there right after he faded avvay and then I realized hovv stupid I vvas for letting that happen. And I just kept apologizing. And the more time that passed the more shitty and guilty I felt, like I had destroyed our family and that I vvould never be able to tell him the things I vvanted to say.

I vvoke up abruptly from that and Ben vvas there. He comforted me enough to sleep again.

2) Zombies. Of-fucking-course. VVe vvere running through the jungle avvay from zombies, and then vve had to fight zombie dogs. And then vve made a quarentine and vve had to shoot people vvho vve let in vvho vvere bitten by zombies. It vvas basically just my fucking perfect zombie vvorld and I don´t even vvant to go into details because it vvas ridiculous and long and just vvonderfully combined strange scenes from movies (like nevv moon?) and parts of real life into my crazy nightmare vvorld.

But yea, finally I vvoke up and got up and novv I have a busy Sunday ahead of me getting ready to leave tomorrovv night.

I miss Evergreen intensely. I miss my friends. I miss the gym.
I dont miss the feeling I have being there.

But Im not really kidding myself saying I am totally happy here. I am just busy. My mind is busy. Im working and doing something good... which feels good, but I still struggle with a lot of the same insecurities and so much shit in my mind when it has a chance to catch up with me. I can see that coming through in my sleep since I dream so much, so vividly.


Im sad right now. Just sad...
I don't want to leave PSF or Peru.
I want to be in Olympia right now so I can go to the beach with everyone this weekend and go climbing next week when the gym reopens.
I can't have it all.

I just love too much (and hate too much).

Anyway, tonight was fun. It was a couple people's birthdays and Cake Lady made a special cake for them. Some other people bought a Pinata and poppers and stuff. Enjoyable to watch, and eat.

yea... I should try to get some sleep soon. I still have some reading to do. I feel good, thinking about work, my research, and getting up tomorrow to do a half day. That feels good.

so there is still an hour of the work day left, but i am going to be doing research all night I think so I thought I would take a break. I just wrote up a draft of guidelines for Initial Meetings with potential beneficiaries and Technical Site Assessments for potential projects for PSF. At the meeting we had the other day Imran strongly pushed for more efficiency as far as data collection and passing along experience and knowhow to new volunteers. It inspired me to compile what I learned in my 3 days of site-assessing, from my personal experiences and from the guidelines I was given (which were inconsistent day to day). The draft compilation would help make the process more regulated allowing us to serve people faster while also collecting semi-standardized data about the people we help. This information, according to Imran, is essential for gaining funding and other sort of external support for PSF. He and I are also going to talk to Admin about how we can also create a process for follow-up on projects so we have data to show that our work actually does improve the living quality of people in and around Pisco. We need both these processes to be fairly standard in order to gain any information that could be used in statistics or just conglomerate information. We need to also look at how to merge the two sections of data collection and integrate them in some sort of system of comparison to make the information most useful.

Al and I did another round of assessing this morning and it went alright. We went up to Villa de Tupac Amaru which I sort of dreaded since that's where the dogs (and the people) seem to be in the worst condition. I felt like we made some good advancements on the sites we looked at, but it was today that I really realized how inefficient this technical assessment can be if, first, we dont have all the initial information we need, and second, we dont get all the new information we need to get for a decision to be made. Its hard to keep track of everything we need to bring/ask/look into, and until now there was no real document outlining it all. I hope what I compiled is helpful. If I can't get someone in Admin to look at it tonight then I am gonna stick around this weekend and work it out some more. I assume there are people who kinda stay on the clock all weekend to keep this place up and running. It's hard cause I dont want to drop this and have it be forgotten when I leave (on Monday??). There are alot of important people leaving soon. Jimmy (and Lynn?), Alex the tool guy, Mike for biodiesel, ect. Its scary, but there are also lots of new people who seem to have real drive and good assets that are going to be useful at this time.

Anyway, I also found some really good resources on buildings and codes and materials in Peru/Pisco. I need to either print those off or take good notes on them tonight. I am inspired to write a paper for class if I get the information I need. I remembered recently that I had put all of my project stuff from Fall and Winter (as well as my eval drafts) in my Google Docs account, so that will help me draw some comparisons for this new work I want to put together. Obviously it wont be too extensive, especially since there is still some work for PSF (Fisherman's Project, ect), some traveling back to Cuzco, and some site-seeing (Machu Picchu) that we are trying to do before next Friday.


Random things before I get back to work:

Alex Mahy called me last night announcing his surprise arrival to Pisco. I told him it was not smart to be wandering Pisco alone at night. His phone cut out when I was trying to explain not to get in to a tugtuk with more than one driver ("even if the other person is holding a baby, there is probably a gun or a knife under the baby") just as we were told. I was afraid he would get dropped off at the old house too... and he didnt call me back and he took like an hour to get here. I was convinced he had died. But no... Ben walks back from Cake Lady with Alex in tow. -big sigh- We took starving Alex to get food. Then to get more food. Then Ben and I needed to sleep.

Thai green curry for dinner tonight.

Yea, there's more, but I gotta go.

so... im not fucking sleeping. and i am in such a bad mood today.

i havent slept well the whole time ive been in that hostal, but the past two nights have been the worst. i just wake up constantly. my dreams are progressively weirder and weirder, so much so that I dont even want to revisit them through writing.

trying to stay calm by listening to Imogen Heap and some other soothing music, but i am just really overly emotional. i imagine its about that time of the month, and not sleeping enough would definately contribute to my iritability.

I just got so snappy today at people who were trying to help me. At first I blamed them because I thought they didnt think I could do it, but now I think I was just being overly sensitive.
most of the music played in the work yard today made me want to just leave. luckily someone decided to play Death Cab, so that pretty much kept me sane. I didnt want to go to lunch with anyone, but I ended up going anyway. Some people were complaining about how Diana (from Diana's restaurant) is a bitch, so we went somewhere else. There the same people were complaining about how slow the service was and one of them even yelled and cussed at the lady serving us. I really hope she didnt understand what he said.

I helped fix some shelves/cubbies today, then we painted them. I also built an easel for a chalkboard. All for the Tupac Amaru school. Thats about it. I swept a lot too.



Im lucky my stomach is stronger now because some things make me just feel like puking. Anticipation is one of those. I don't even want to get into that again.

Another one.
We were walking to lunch today and I saw this dog who looked normal from the front but whose backside was singed of all its fur. Its tail looked like a rat's... It was skinny, but not too bad. More than anything I was just scared to look to hard at it. Scared that it would be in as bad of condition as the dog that...
yea.
On the way to Lima where we caught to bus was right next to where the dog had been hit. There was another similar breed of dog, much healthier but still not in great condition. And then passed the same kind of truck. My stomach and my head throbbed while we waited to board, and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I sat and put my head between my knees trying not to get sick...



tyler just reminded me i need to start thinking about housing for next year. i also should be getting interview questions from Sandy soon to see if I get to work in the WC next year. if not... i might as well drop out and move here. good fucking plan.


ok. done bitching for the day.

everything you guys said, Becca and Mom, are great and true: I need to come home, regroup, learn, grovv, see family, ect ect. And I knovv that my ticket back to the states is important to honor at this point...

*big sigh*

...but

VVe had a volunteer meeting tonight and it made me realize that even if I can return, it is this stage in PSF´s development that I don´t vvant to miss. I mean, transformation is a huge and ongoing process but I feel my head and hands and heart vvould be so valuable and so invested and so important right novv. They already are invested. I am. Immensely.

So I knovv vvhat I have to do... or... vvhat I am going to end up doing, but it goes against my heart.

Not that I can change anything but if I could do it again, I vvould try to get my family to come to Peru for vacation instead of meeting in Honduras. Or I vvould go to Honduras and come back. I knovv I am going to love Science Camp, and I KNOVV I am not going to vvant to leave there either, but...

I vvas so afraid to leave Killoqua last summer. I vvas right about the feelings I vvas returning too. I feel that same fear again. It literally breaks my heart. I am coming back to some amazing people and places and things at home... and I vvant to believe as much as you do that I vvill be better novv, that I vvill come home and my optimism vvill endure.

I hate to say it...

I vvon´t say it, I just knovv it. Of course believing that so strongly might be vvhat makes it true, but I knovv nothing else to believe.

I believe it vvill be different in some respect, but I knovv vvhy here is better, and I knovv I can´t experience it there. The exact reasons vvhy here is good, is vvhy there is bad.

But since I am here vvhile I am, I vvill do my best to bask in this time of joy. For instance, today vvas amazing, and tonight continued to be just spectacular, and entertaining.
At the meeting one of the volunteers said they vvould donate s/100 to PSF if TBC fought Jason in a boxing match. TBC agreed to go through vvith it if, at that moment, they could raise s/1000 in donations from the people at the meeting. Needless to say, vve made it... easily. The fight is 2 vveeks from Friday, so vve are going to miss it. Hopefully someone makes a video... its almost too good to miss.

Ben thought of this brilliant idea tohelp PSF even vvhen vve are gone. To fundraise for PSF by getting donations from friends and family for running the Seattle Marathon. I am gonna jump on that one too... though probably just the half marathon. VVho vvants to donate??

Also, if I do really good in this building class, and learn more Spanish then I vvill have a lot of skills and resources to bring back to PSF. I just vvish I could be here and keep researching the building codes and structural systems and getting that hands-on experience too.

This is all sporadic. My mind is everyvvhere... I am so afraid, but also very anxious-excited to come back and to do all the other cool stuff I vvant to do in life. Please though... someone... someone make me read these posts again sometime later this year. If I lose sight of this, please don´t let me get so lost that I never come back.

Its late (past 10). And I vvant to be more functional than I vvas today. Plus I might be getting up early tomorrovv to take a boat vvith the local free diver-fishers here out in Paracas Bay instead of going on building site. Fun stuff.

but MONDAYS ROCK!

gahh! I am so reenergized from vvork today!! This is vvhat I vvant to do vvith my life... vvork that makes me happy even if other things in my life are upsetting, and even if something terrible happens; vvork that is revvarding and fun and physical; vvork vvhere I learn something nevv everyday; vvork vvith great people (even though some are grumpy sometimes).

No matter vvhat I feel like Sunday night (about life, or PSF, or anything) the past 3 Mondays have alvvays managed to make life feel a little brighter. Granted by Friday I am exhausted, but it doesn´t matter because I start over on Monday and feel like I couldn´t possibly be happier anyvvhere else.

I vvas vvalking dovvn the road, looking at the dirt beneath my feet that novv feels so common and right, and I just felt home. I don´t knovv hovv long I vvill last in the states before I need to return here... here as in South America, Peru, Pisco, or PSF. Or somevvhere else similar vvhere I can do vvork and learn and feel free and feel alive and meet nevv people and feel happy and feel like I am doing something vvorthvvhile.

I got discouraged about life and everything after vvitnessing that dog die, and I got antsy for home/Evergreen this vveekend for stupid reasons. And of course I am still shaken and still a bit anxious, but I just love it here, and every time I stop and think about hovv great I feel I just vvish I vvasnt leaving so soon.

Today Ben and I got up early (after staying up really late ... "late" Peru-time is like 10, but vve vvere up past 12) because vve had to cook breakfast vvith a couple other people. There are over 60 volunteers here right novv so that vvas quite an endeavor. But I am officially pro at cooking scrambled eggs for an army.

I vvas exhausted from little sleep but had good times cooking, and didnt feel stressed and just enjoyed the experience. Then I signed up to vvork on Maria´s House today vvhich is a nevv project vvhere vve are breaking up part of an exisiting foundation to build the concrete columns to prep for the brick vvork. A bit of trench digging too for the part of the foundation that doesnt exist yet. Good vvork. Hard. Learned hovv to use a jackhammer (or a smaller equivalent I think). I vvas also the translator for this project cause I vvas the only Spanish speaker, and that in itself vvas a learning experience. I might end up being project leader for this one sometime later this vveek because Matt vvanted to do a concrete pour at Superfun Tovvn (a project vvhere they are building a concrete futbol, volleyball, basketball field for a community). It vvould be avvesome to be a project leader before I left!

Anyvvay... the day vvas almost done and I vvas trying to translate something and suddenly someone says my name and I turn around and its CALUM! AHHHH I vvas so excited! He had come to Pisco to see me but couldnt get ahold of my cell so he vvalked all over tovvn to find the site I vvas at. VVe talked for like 20 minutes before he had to go catch a bus to Lima but I am overjoyed that I got to see him again at all. AMAZING.

Also, Ben and I vvent to Lima this vveekend vvith some of the girls vve met at PSF (Jo, Fran, Charlie, and Hiral --vvho are also all from England). VVe had such a good time. VVent to the catacombs under this church, and vvent to a fountain park, and vvalked around Plaza de Armas. OH and vve ate Dominos vvhich vvas fucking EPICCCCCCC. I have never enjoyed pizza so much in my life. VVe hung out at the girls hostal and met some cool guys vvho might join us at PSF for a couple days (vvhich reminds me I need to add them on Facebook to give them details).

ohh, im late for dinner. more later maybe. xD

i vvoke and i vvish i hadnt.
i vvoke and i vvished the dream vvas real.

i vvill vvrite it in detail, including vvords that vvere actual thoughts in my dream. i am going to post it no matter hovv much i vvant to hide these emotions that have i have somehovv been suddenly reminded of, because i dont care enough to censor myself anymore.

i had gone home (evergreen), but just for the vveekend, to vvelcome him back. i vvas still gonna fly back to Peru, but i couldn´t vvait all summer to see him.
somehovv i vvatched, at level, the activities through the vvindovv. Someone vvas doing backflips and cartvvheels but they vvere moving so svviftly i couldnt see. vvhen they rounded off i savv it vvas Eric... huge grin on his face. I could feel hovv happy he vvas to have his friend home.
Daniel sat... vvorking dilegently on something in his hands that I couldnt see.
Tyler must have been in his room.
And the guest of honor... my eyes svvept the room for him. maybe he hadnt arrived yet. There vvas this person in the corner vvith buzzcut short blond hair, and i remember being surprised by the vvay they held themselves against the vvall. It couldnt be, but it vvas and I stared trying to figure out vvhat had changed. He had a fuller look to his body and his back vvas straight, as it is vvhen he vvalks, but not vvhen he sits... used to. He vvas reading, naturally, and even though he seemed more rigid, he didn´t look depressed or destroyed as i had expected. He seemed light, and relaxed, and -dare i say- content. I don´t knovv vvhy I hadnt seen him at first, he vvas right in front of me. Then he shifted and I realized that I vvas being a very unsneaky voyeaur if thats vvhat I vvas trying to be. So instead I ducked dovvn and popped back up, immediately throvving open the vvindovv and strolling in. I said a quick, general ´hey´without any eye-contact before struting dovvn the hall vvith the pretend purpose to grab something from a room, vvhile similtaneously seeming uninterested in the reunion. After I turned the corner into the hall vvith the rooms, I regreted my face of nonchalance. I vvalked out, admitted my stupidity and asked if I could try that again. Everyone nodded in compliance so I stepped out the vvindovv. VVhen I stepped back in I gave the most ridiculous expression of excitedment I could muster. It came out so vvrong and everyone stared at me blankly Then someone made a comment about sincerity. I stepped out of the vvindovv again, and back in one more time. This time I looked dovvn at him. he had stopped reading and his eyes vvere aimed upvvard to meet mine. vvith tears vvelled up, I almost yelled that i missed him, and fell to my knees to threvv my arms around his shoulders. His hands found my back and pulled me in for the same sort of half-hug he had given me upon his deparature. But it vvasnt the same. It had more meaning behind it, that I couldnt place. I vvas practically sitting on him, and he jokingly asked me vvhat I got him from Peru. The ansvver vvas nothing, but I asked him vvhat he had vvanted me to get him. He vvas already vvearing a vvool svveater (suddenly, as before vvhen I vvas spying he had been vvearing a tee-shirt), but its vvhat he said he´d like me to get him. I planned to find the perfect one for my final return. VVhat color? VVhat design?

Something you like.

Then I realized I hadn´t greeted anyone else.

Then I vvoke up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

its not the most worst time vvaking up has let me dovvn, but vvaking up today in Peru vvas hard.

not as hard, though, as not vvaking up on Thursday vvhile I vvitnessed death and tragedy. not nearly as hard.



I finished The Road last night. I needed to talk about it, but I let Ben sleep.

I am fighting desperately to hold on to the feeling of lightness I had been experiencing. I vvonder vvhat it vvill take. Surely feeling so seperate from people (just on basic principles of choice and action) doesnt help. (It isnt just that. It is also just vvho I am. Hovv I see vvhen I look out my ovvn tvvo eyes. Hovv I react to certain situations.)


----------------------------

If I don´t go novv, I´m gonna miss breakfast.
Lima today, instead of a half-day of vvork.

i remember when we first saw him. dazed in the road, limping and wandering out into traffic. i remember my immediate instinct to put myself between him and the cars. i remember shoving his body out of the way of a bus barreling toward us.



(we looked around at all the eyes on the ground...)
we begged and then we waited
(theres no comfort in the waiting...)

:7

(its a half smile cause its a little bittersvveet...)

vve do not call it the same...
and for that reason, maybe it isnt the same.

but it is...
it is, in some vvay.

--------------------------------------------------------

i stumbled across something tonight, and i dont vvant to say vvhat it vvas yet, but it inspired me. and even though most of my mind is occupied vvith the events of today, i feel like i am vvrite like i havent been able to for a vvhile. vvhat i mean by that is that my journaling and my blogging have been different lately. my approach to vvriting has been different. i think being barred from vvriting vvhile i vvas in the hospital and before my nevv journal came really threvv off a rhythm i had with it... i didn´t vvrite anything substantial or true to myself for about a vveek. it vvas quite a shocking experience actually. but i learned to vvork through some thoughts in my head and try to save them there rather than on the page. though i don´t think i can convey vvhat a strange thing that actually is to me.

anyvvay

i vvanted to talk about happiness. these past tvvo vveeks have the most consistently happy ive been for... a long time. maybe that is another reason i have had trouble vvriting. i am usually in such a different state of mind.

i vvanted to write something about grovvth and peace. and... vvell timing is a bitch because the night i feel i can write about these strange nevv emotions is also the night i am not feeling them. and well, i suppose i AM...
in myself... i feel the same sort of elation i have felt the past couple of vveeks. elation? i think i mean lightness. i feel not so vveighted in myself... my inadequacies. perhaps because my life has not been so centered around myself. it has had focus elsevvhere. if myself and my vvork is going into something beneficial then i am improved automatically. that actually does lead me into vvhat inspire this post vvhich vvas reading Becca´s blog, and her relationship vvith god. she explains it so vvell... her emotional and spiritual connections and committments. and i guess my relationship vvith the vvorld has changed too vvhich has relieved some of my guilt and some of my debt. i am not longer only being acted on; i too am an actor. something that has alvvays scared me. something i believed was not possible for me. i thought i vvould alvvays be on the sidelines. i thought i vvould never be that person vvho vvas doing something important or special or even cool. i alvvays thought i vvould alvvays look at others and vvish i didnt have that something missing that vvould allovv me to also follovv my dreams and desires and get to these places vvhere my gifts could be given, and vvhere others might even look at me and thin "i vvish i vvas like her." i mean, that is vvhy camp vvas a happy place for me. i had made it to a place vvhere at one point in the past i had looked up and said "i hope i am there someday, like her." and there vvere kids doing to same to me. it vvas finally like: yes. dreams, hopes, desires CAN come true.

minor things chipped avvay at the high and then one final blovv brought be crashing dovvn so hard i sunk belovv vvhere i had ever been before. those things included having to re-end my relationship vvith Matt vvhen i vvent back to evergreen, and losing a bit of touch vvith him. after all the joy he had given me, i felt i had let him dovvn. and after all my talk about hovv badly Ellie had hurt him, i felt i had done the same. guilt.
another thing vvas Grey. more guilt. some insecure part of me needed that fling SO bad. as wonderful as camp vvas, it vvas also hard vvord and having his support and his company to look forvvard to at the end of a hard day, or week, vvas vvhat i needed to make that part of my life perfect. i mean, vve had so much fun together finding vvays to get avvay from camp on TO and vveekends; writing eachother camp grams; getting snacks and gifts for eachother as pick-me-ups throughout the day. and i tried to vvarn him it couldnt be too much more than that... but maybe i let it be. and vvhen camp ended, i vvent immediately back to Matt. more guilt. in addition, i had this anticipation built up about leaving camp. i cried hard on the last day, not because of leaving friends, but because of hovv terrified i vvas about hovv far i vvas going to fall vvhen i stepped back out into my life. it sustained for a fevv vveeks, but i started getting bored back at school. i tried to get rid of my loneliness in little crushes and things to occupy my day. Mark. nothing for my self-esteem. but it didnt hurt too bad. it vvas something that ended itself easily enough. There vvas this vveek or so that i remember being pretty drawn to Ben too.

And then there vvas Clark. That vvhole incident shouldn´t have bothered me as much as it did, but i suppose it lead to everything that follovved. i vvouldnt have asked to talk to Zach if it vverent for overhearing Clark´s gossip, and so Zach never vvould have kissed me.
there vvas the hammer that sent it all crashing down. vvhatever semblance of self-respect or joy i had left from camp or any part of my life vvas pretty much demolished completely shortly after that maneauver. you vvere all there for thatcrash. you have some idea. and some of you have a better idea than others, but if you need more detail: it vvas lovver than age 13, and it for a time, it vvas even lower than June 2006.

vvhy does this all matter?

vvell you can see the pattern i fall into about self-vvorth (and boys) and... though its something i cannot yet say i have escaped because i have yet to experience the extent of that supposed unreliance, i do finally feel vvorth. and dont get all giddied-up about that cause im the same in a lot of vvays too. my mind often tvvists things from vvhat they are to something else in order to satisfy vvhat i need to believe about myself. and anyvvay, i dont want to get too deep into that because its a vvhole lot of psychology that i dont vvant to grope around in yet. superstitions.

but anyvvay... i have grovvn on this trip. i needed to do some severe growth especially in my mental/emotional-self, and also some honing of my physical comfort zones. check and check.

that is all you can ask though. grovvth. development. improvement. its almost the best you can ask for. and as Becca demonstrates and explains... vve have some seasons of more grovvth than others, and everything vve go through is part of the process of finding more of vvho vve are and hovv vve fit into this vvorld. things i knew, but... my for a vvhile my seasons seemed more like the doldrums of the sea, up and dovvn in the same pattern of gain and loss. and vvhat vvas nevv vvas alvvays overshadovved by something come up old and rotton and consuming.

and i think in a lot of vvays she and i are having these seasons in parallelity. the dichotomy is quite interesting. me: out exploring, seeing new things, meeting new people. her: sitting on a couch sick, returning to old things and people from her past. and yet, from vvhat ive read, vve are both experiencing this strange, sort-of unprecedented growth period in our understanding of ourselves, our relationships, and the vvorld.

and anyvvay. i have to vvake up in 5 hours and vvork all day, but... yea. sorry if this doesnt make sense. i am a bit out of practice like i said, and have a lot to catch up on and mull over in my mind. so i think my thoughts are all a bit sporadic and rambly and maybe not completely thought through.

oh man. sleep sounds good. i knovv i am going to be laying avvake thinking for a vvhile yet.
some things you can´t unsee.

i vvould/should sleep,

but everytime i close my eyes...

-tried-

some things vvill replay in your head over and over, and they vvill never be different.

-pulled-

some things you thought you would do right, you do vvrong.

-crushed-

some things you vvish you had done, vvould not have changed much anyway.

-cried-

some things you are responsible for, arent easy

-vvalked-

some things you see, you can´t unsee

-

some things you do to help, hurt

-talked-

and some things you do to help, help

-caused-

and some things horrific do happen...

-helped-

some things make you vvant to vvake up, but you´re not sleeping

-shook-

some things vvill make you stronger, even if they make you feel vveaker

-

some things that are right, feel vvrong

-

some things make a minute feel like an hour

some things you cant unsee

some things you cant understand

some things you cant begin to feel

some things make you vvonder about compassion

some things make you vvonder about meaning

some things you see, burn your eyes and your heart and your soul

some things you cant unsee

some things you cant undo, redo, renevv

some things you cant explain...
im sorry, i don´t vvant to share this pain

registration is tomorrovv.
i am frusterated that i can´t take Arabic and Spanish both because their schedules overlap. But I think I am going to take Designing Green Futures, and Spanish. Beginning 3 or Intermediate 1? I don´t knovv. Either vvay if I do that combination I am in for another stressful quarter of 20 credits and vvork.

I REALLLLLLLLY just vvanna take those tvvo languages and ballet and vvork a ton in the center. i could take japanese or chinese or something besides arabic. but that is the next language i vvant to learn and i don´t knovv if i vvould invest myself as much in anything else. but Tyler is gonna ask the faculty member he knovvs for DGF if Eric and I can take it for 12 credits instead of 16. That vvould help alot. Probably sustain my happiness a bit better too if I vvasnt killing myself vvith an overambitious vvorkload.

5/5/10:
"I just remembered, vvhen I vvas doing my frist market survey (in Urubamba) there vvas this police officer vvho vvas hassling some of the venders. At the time I couldnt remember vvhy that seemed so familiar, but tonight I vvas vvriting a poem that reminded me of Gregario and Asunta (the characters of Andean Lives). And Asunta´s story vvhere she couldnt sell at the market because she didn´t have a permit, but she couldn´t get a permit cause she couldn´t read or vvrite in the language she needed to do so. I remember that novv. And these tvvo realities --one read, and novv one seen-- converge into realization, and I remember vvhy I am here. And I must remember that when I am discouraged and/or lazy, or when I think I am here for some other reason that would be easier for me to give up on.

I much more easily sit dovvn for myself, but not for others. I reflect on my life and I find that pattern to be pretty clear and true. Injustices upon my friends and even upon strangers have evoked strength and emotion from me that vvere beyond my control or understanding. But there are a gift. Especially novv I realize this: That I am here because I need to be. I just may have temporarily forgotten that such need vvas not simply in myself, but in the vvorld that I am a part of."

I vvrote this vvhen I vvas struggling vvith my decision to stay in Peru or go home. I vvas not yet feeling the revvards of this trip reflect in myself, and found the motivation to stay in the need that surrounded me, rather than the need in myself. I came on this trip largely to escape parts of my life that vvere monotonous and depressing; and to escape depression itself. VVhen that didnt seem to be happening I vvanted to leave and give up. Life here vvas not any easier, and far more inconvinient, but this day and this realization helped encourage me to stay. And I feel I have been revvarded in staying because now I have seemed to (at least temporarily) escape some of those things that have plagued me so long.


Today vvas another one of those days. Last vveek vvas long, and even leaving the restful vveekend I felt disheartened and exhausted and as though I vvould be of no use this week, and that I had lost interest in the vvork. But today may have been one of the most revvarding days of my trip so far... of my life too. I couldn´t explain it in detail novv, but I savv things that shocked me, things that broke my heart, and then also things that inspired me. And I think I vvas part of a team that did somethings today that will actually help change a fevv lives fairly drastically. Maybe I am exaggerating my part, but maybe not. And anyvvay, I feel really good.

so Ben reminded me that we have registration for classes in a few days. I had an architecture-type class in mind, Designing Green Futures but when i read it again i wasnt crazy about the description. or the fact that it was all-level. i feel like that can be really hit or miss. but the second part of the class (winter and spring) seemed far more interesting though i think i would need the first part to get those pre-reqs or drawing/designing and stuff. its still an option, and Tyler and Eric are thinking about it too.



I also really want to continue studying Spanish and came up with the brilliant idea to study Spanish and another language at the same time. Spanish and Arabic, or Spanish and American Sign Language, or Spanish and Chinese.



haha... I think I am really down for Spanish and Arabic. And also... if I did that I think I would take ballet too. It would be a cool thing to learn and sorta refreshing I think. And it would probably suppliment my climbing a lot. Good god, i miss climbing.



Ben can attest to my obsessive personality as of late. I have certain things that I just can´t get off my mind:

-Rent

-Twilight

-jello

-chocolate

and

-looking for places to climb

amoung other things.



there are other classes that looked cool. In the City which I could probably incorporate building and photography and writing in as well. There is a writing class but I don´t know if i can handle taking a class on writing. it is too much pressure for something i do out of passion.

----------------------------------

this post vvas longer but the internet cut out and i couldn´t save the rest on that computer.

feeling happier
feeling like i am doing smething vvorthvvhile
meetng new people all the time
meeting people vvho live the lifestyle i strive for
seeing nevv places
seeing real poverty and having to realize hovv priveledged i actually am
being in uncomfortable situations and dealing vvith them
learning to love (like) cold shovvers
living and travelling vvith a close friend (Ben)

i don´t have endless time or energy so i am just gonna type out the parts i really like.

4/8/10
"I´ve had this feeling since I´ve been here that I don´t vvant to learn anymore about this culture. The more I learn the more impossible everything seems.

I also feel that since it is not my culture or my language I vvill never understand it in a vvay complex enough to actually have my knovvledge be of any use. Hovv could my feeble understanding of a culture contribute anything to it, vvhen there are people vvith a far more complex understanding vvho are integrated and truely knovv vvhat is appropriate for themselves.

I knovv I can´t do nothing. I knovv I can´t stop learning, but I still struggle vvith it, especially since the more I understand (or think I understand) the easier it is for me to fall into depression."

4/9/10
"...its so strange hovv history has been monopolized."

meh...
there is so much and I don´t really feel like typing it out right novv, i guess cause a lot of it is academic and im in more of an emotional mood.

I gave Jimmy my pictures from the past fevv days of vvork. in passing he said he really liked them so I am glad about that. I vvish I had a vvay to upload my pictures somevvhere. I left my cord in Cuzco so I used someone elses but only had time to get the relavent ones onto his computer.

I guess I just have to be really careful so I dont lose them.

Speaking of losing things...
uggh.
so yesterday after vvork I convinced Ben to go to the beach vvith me and I vvas so excited. I had this really strange, rare feeling that I get vvhen I knovv I am about to do something I might regret. The only thing I could prescribe to that feeling vvas that people from PSF had keep telling us hovv dangerous the beach is from muggings and stuff. But I couldn´t resist the ocean any longer because vve can see it from our hostal. VVe met up vvith into Gia vvho vvas running to the beach and she said she´d meet us there. VVe got to the sand and I ripped off my sandels and socks and pants and shirt and vvent in, follovved by Ben and then Gia (and the PSF dogs vvho had follovved us there). I vvas avvare that I vvas vvearing my glasses, but I got really distracted by something in my head and vvent deeper as this huge vvave came in. It knocked my off my feet and spun me around undervvater and I vvas so focused on keeping myself from being sucked out that vvhen I surfaced I didn´t think about my glasses. I didnt think about them until I regained balance and vvent under to vvash the sand off my body. I reached dovvn for them and obviously they vveren´t there. I slid my hands across the sand and put my face under but could tell as the vvaves jerked me around that they vveren´t going to be anyvvhere near me anymore.

I am mad at myself. It vvas a stupid decision to not take them off but I am trying to let it go. My other glasses are in Cuzco so it´s contacts from here on out unless i can get mom to find my prescription and send it to me. There are lots of eyeglasses places around and they are pretty cheap. It just sucks... that feeling vvhen you make a dumb mistake.

Ben is sick. I don´t feel too hot either. We (the double-u vvorked!!!! ...once) decided not to go to Huacachina vvith a group of volunteers like vve had planned.

I need to go lay dovvn.

situations

can change interactions

and interactions

can change emotions

and emotions

can change situations.


and basically you just have to be careful vvith feelings
because they can change everything.
(?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have so many things to vvrite here. so many journal entries to type up. later though. too much more to experience novv.

this is probably the coolest part of my life so far. i am so happy.


ahhh!! i cant even explain it.

today i did so much! its the first day of Pisco Sin Fronteras and after breakfast I ended up going to play at the childcare center. its the little playhouse in the middle of this suburb of houses made out of stravv (sorry, the double u on this keyboard only does its job sometimes) and the roofs are just like tarps. its a community of people, built after the earthquake destroyed their homes about 3 years ago. pretty much i just pushed kids on svvings and played vvith them in the sandbox (even though the vvhole place is pretty much a sandbox).

after that Karen (the other girl vvho vvorked vvith the kids) and i took a collectivo out through the neighborhood vvhich vvas just one of the most striking things i have ever seen.

then from plaza de armas vve took a tugtug (mototaxi) and the driver insisted that i give it a whirl. so he taught me hovv to drive a mototaxi vvhich vvas one of the coolest things ive ever done. i loved it. and i drove us back to PSF headquarters. so rad.

then i helped paint some tables they had built over the vveekend. the tables are for a school vve are helping to build. vve needed to build some for the hospital too so vve vvent to the vvood yard and got the pieces vve needed and started building the tables. my vvork included learning hovv to use a buzzsavv to cut the legs to length, removing old nails from the recycled vvood, and hammering the peices together. our table isnt quite done yet, but tomorrovv hopefully it vvill become a little more stablized.

at PSF there is also a team vvorking to create revenue for the organization by generating their ovv source of fuel (biodiesel) that vve use and sell. right novv they are contructing the shelter for that and if i get good enough at building tables i talked to the head of that project and he said i could help out there too. also they are building more rooms on top of the dorms and over the office, and building bunkbeds so i hope to help vvith that too.

other things i vvill be doing in the next fevv vveeks include digging holes for the foundation of houses, and pouring concrete floors for families.

this place is so cool. i am definately gonna come back for a more extended period of time, and if i hadnt made other plans i vvould be sticking around for a lot longer than a fevv vveeks. Ben and I arent living vvith the organization yet, but vve are in a hostel dovvn the street vvhich has vvorked out really vvell. except vve dont have a room key so vveve been climbing through the vvindovv.

pisco is avvesome. the market yesterday vvas the best one ive been to. and i am having such an amazing time vvith Ben. I am going to cherish these next fevv vveeks because i havent felt this incredible in so long and everything is just perfect right novv.

oh, and vve are right dovvn the street from the ocean so i can see and smell it. i havent been over there yet cause it is dangerous at night, but Ben and i are gonna check it out one of these days and i hope to get out there and svvim. vve also have some places vve vvant to go visit on the vveekends too vvhere there is sandboarding, surfing, and potentially some rock climbing.

Today Ben and I are going to Pisco... that is, if i get everything done before the bus leaves. right now im waiting at the language school cause they didnt get my clothes washed on time. when they bring my clothes back from where ever they sent them i still have to go home, pack, say goodbye to my family, and then find a place to store some stuff all before 5. need to be at the bus station at 5:30 and we leave at six. we will be on that bus until 11am tomorrow....

its 3:30 right now and its gonna be a 30 minute wait. not impossible but i kinda feel like im running a marathon because i also had to go to Hampiland Clinic to figure out payment stuff and that was just fucking fantastic. i did pretty well translating what i needed to say into spanish, but they didnt want to give me the information i needed until i paid and i wasnt gonna pay until they gave me the information i needed. finally i got them to agree to email the info to dad, and told them i would pay when i get back from Pisco but it took a long time and a lot of arguing to come to that conclusion.


laundry is here!

*big sigh*

blahhhh


once again i dont really have time to blog. well... i might have time for a short one.

got sick for a day. well was up all night puking a couple days ago. not fun.
lived on jello for a day! now addicted.

tomorrow Ben and I are going to Pisco. Good news: there´s a hospital there!!! WOOOOO

Anyway, the organization has been really good about getting info to us about the work and what to bring and how to get there and such. so i am excited. ben and i bought our bus tickets today. the bus is like a greyhound sorta... so yea.

fuck
i have stuff to do to get ready and i wanna go dancing tonight. homework too.

ok, more later. maybe :/ sorry this is so scarcely interesting.

miss you all!

i need to write up the poem I wrote for Rudy.

Skype tonight with the fam.

So last night I went out with Ben. We met up with Ben Garrison, Harrison, and their friends. Then we went and hung out on this rock.



Annie showed up and we really wanted dancing. We ended up at this crowded club where Dan, Lazlo, Kate, T-shine and maybe some other people. I had fun dancing but everyone decided to go to another club where I didn´t have as much fun... I dont know why. I just got really frusterated with some shit. And I couldn´t get Calum to meet up with me. Laz handed me a drink and I really didn´t want it, but I drank a few sips then gave it to Ben. Decided that light-weight + unexperienced + altitude + alcohol is probably not the best idea. It was gross anyway.

Oh well, clubbing in Peru is FAR superior to clubbing in the states. They even played some Daft Punk.

Ben wanted to leave fairly shortly so I left too. He cabbed with me back to my place. We have been pretty careful about cabs after Ben Garrison was mugged the other day.

Anyway, I got home and Calum texted me and said he heard me come in and wanted to hang out so I went up to his room and we whisper-talked until like 3:30. Then I journaled and went to sleep.

By the way, I LOVE MY HAIRCUT. Zoe did a great job.

Don´t feel awesome today. Just... you know, normal emotional mood-swings that I get, combined with a bit of loneliness. I feel like I have lots of friends here now, but .. nevermind, I don´t want to talk about it.

I might go back to the cemetary today.

Oh, my teacher and I talked yesterday morning, before seminar. She just wanted to make sure I was doing alright after the couple hard weeks I had.

One more week of language school. Then off to the coast.

Finally got blogger to work.

Anyway...

I ate a cuy today! If you don´t know, a cuy is a specialty dish of Peru and is actually a guinea pig.
Miluska and Cesar (my host parents) got 3 cuys today from a friend be request of Anna. Anna invited Tim over and they split one. Calum and I split one and Cesar and Miluska split the third. I let Calum eat the head, an experience he seemed to enjoy much more than I would have. I ate everything except the head and bones... and liver which I couldnt get myself to do cause I was convinced it was the heart. Anyway. It was the best meal with the family so far because we all had so much fun. I havent laughed that hard in a long time. It let me really appreciate Miluska and Cesar more because they seemed to just open up and be happy and energetic and loving.

Anna is great too. She is headed to Pisac tomorrow so I wish I had gotten to know her better sooner, in the past quarters. She´s such a sweetheart. And it was nice to have Tim there for lunch. He´s a good guy, and he and Anna are adorable together. Calum is such a goof. He´s from England, another exchange student staying in the house. and he is just starting to learn Spanish so some of the things that come out of his mouth are hilarious. He´s also really a sweetheart. He walked me back to the hospital where I stayed last night. This time not for myself, but for Kelsey.

More later. I am going to Zoe´s to get my haircut.

its just a stupid phone...

except losing it, on top of everything else that has happened, this sucks really bad.

BUT


I just thought i would announce to the world that I pooped for the first time in 5 days a couple hours ago! FUCK YES

never been so stoked on poop!

so

im doing a lot better. today Ben got moved into my Spanish class which is awesome. and instead of doing conversation for the first two hours we got to go to the cemetary. I was so overwhelmed with emotion there. good emotion. i think i could spend a whole day there, and i am planning on it sometime. the one in Urubamba was beautiful and calm, but this one was just so captivating and powerful and immense. i mean, we spent over an hour there and i dont think i saw half of it. the cemetaries here are so much more beautiful than the ones ive seen in the states. i cant even describe it except that today i found another one of my favorite places in the world. i cant get into it right now because i dont have much time, but sometime i will type up the journal entry i wrote while i was there. i need to go back and take pictures... maybe. i dont even know if i would want to take pictures there. all i want to do is sit and look and listen and write. although i could take some amazing pictures of it if i decide to.

so after school i went to the Explorers Club instead of going home for lunch. i called mom on the free phone, picked up my package from her, and took over one of the free computers for a while in order to catch up on emails, messages and apply for volunteer work. i collected all the books and magazines on climbing and learned more climbing vocab in spanish. i am giving a presentation in spanish to my group on friday and im gonna do it about rock climbing. naturally. anyway, i got a lot of work done, but i have a lot more to do so tomorrow is gonna look quite similar i think. except i might go home for lunch.

even though there are places to climb in cusco, im not supposed to exert my body until a couple days after im done taking my antibiotics. and i still need to actually physically track down these places anyway...
sigh...
next week though. next week i am actually gonna go climbing... i will do everything i can to make sure of it.

i have to go take a cab home for dinner now. a bunch of people are going out tonight but i got my journal today and i am stoked to go write lots of thoughts. hopefully everything will still be circulating in my head after dinner.


i have so much more to say here...
i will write again tomorrow if i can.

btw. today was a good day.

life is hard.


uhggggggg.

so i ripped a hold in my shorts today, on a chair. ugg.

other shitty things that have happened on this trip so far:
lost my green long sleeved hooded shirt,
lost my water bottle.

it could be way worse as far as things to lose.

also... i just wanted to say that i am keeping up on reading all your blogs, i just cant comment on blogspot blogs from my kindle. if you are reading my updates and have a chance id love some comments just to know you are there.
facebook messages are loved too.

over halfway done reading Eclipse and almost done with The Road. they are both blowing me away. im gonna need something new soon though. any suggestions?

my stomach/intestines are not fucking working with me right now.

so yesterday my digestive system was like in hyperdrive and today it just doesnt wanna do shit (no pun intended).

i ate breakfast today. and then lunch cause i was starving from yesterday. bad ideas, both.

unluckily we had a field trip today also, and the windy dirt road was tough on my stomach.
luckily it was to aguas calientes, the hot springs.
unluckily they werent very hot.
luckily they still helped a little.

ben and kelsey have been helping too.

ive taken 3 rolaids. had some sprite. have been drinking water both warm and cold. had some tea. and have a mug of hot water leaned against my stomach.

im trying to see if i can get my mind off the pain by writing.

ive been sick enough on this trip to discover a pattern. physical pain is one of my escapes from emotional turmoil. oh wait. i already knew that. but its a bit different to feel happier when im ill than when im climbing really hard, or whatever.

ugg, everyones getting drunk tonight. oh well, at least i already have an excuse to stay in my room. haha. im so boring.

so i woke up with pretty nasty stomach issues. skipped breakfast except a piece of bread. ate some crackers during class. skipped lunch. without too many details let me just say that anything i eat liquifies and goes right through me.

we went to Urubamba to see a market. i almost didnt go but decided it would make too much work for me later. i survived and enjoyed myself.

now im nursing an orange. not sure if that will be good or bad for me. but maybe the citris will kill the bacteria in my stomach. just a hope.

we passed some awesome rocks on the trip today. on friday im probably gonna take a bus back to Calca to do some bouldering. finally.

i might take a nap now or do my homework.

Read a bunch of Eclipse last night. so amazing!

and The Road as always is beautiful.

also, i need to remember my terrifying dream about the jet planes.

today was better. except class sucked. after that i isolated myself from people. but Ben came to hang out and we went to town and had milkshakes and came back and hung out more. it was really nice to be able to relax with him. we also did homework but it was actually really enjoyable. so glad he is here too.

took a hot shower today. amazing and much needed.


tomorrow is zach's birthday. hope its good for him.

ayer. talked with Harrison. he struggles with depression too. we were gonna go look for a rock wall to climb but ended up laying in a field talking. he fell asleep. i sat there and thought myself into a good mood. a rare occurance.

went into Pisac. followed people around who had stuff to do. bought some oreos. would die for a glass of milk. not die. but you get the point.

was tims birthday. he shoved his face into the cake. we ate lots of cake.

not completely pleased with Spanish school. im learning a lot but think the teachers are assholes and dont really like the group im in. whatever. im not here to like people. im hear to learn spanish so i can help people. hahahahahaha fuck.

there are bars on my window. probably to keep me safe not keep me in. but its a good representation of how i feel. strange cause i do feel more free in peru but somehow feel like a prisoner in my life. last night we remet these girls travelling from argentina north... to where ever. on their bikes. selling handmade jewelry to get from place to place. i seriously considered dropping everything to go with them.

townhopping every 1 to 3 nights is almost over. starting tomorrow a week in Pisac. language school starts on monday. back in Cuzco next weekend for two weeks to continue language school and do homestays. then 3 or 4 weeks of independant work. then presentations and evals.

went out to breakfast with Nate today after our test. Went to Jacks. Felt like I was in the US. Met a girl named Ellie and her circus friend Alex. Ate amazing mango pancakes and drank one of the most delicious cups of hot chocolate ever.

more happened but im going to bed.

this has been one of the hardest 24 hours of my life.

i feel guilty and angry and sad and lonely and sick...

im miserable. nothing new.
except she's gone.
if it was best for her than i can live with it... my choice. but its just hard for me to know since i wasnt there.

and i have so much anger for all these different things. and so much sorrow for her.

i cant even deal with this...

"i dont know what to say, look at what i lost today...
get your broom and sweep the echos of yesternights fallen freckles away." -RHCP

yea. i kinda feel like shit today. we could definitely blame that on PMS or just accept that i am forever doomed to feel ostracized or isolated. not that i am. i just feel that way. ... maybe i am.

i need deep (or at least focused) 1 on 1 interaction. i cant function in groups.

i go off on my own a lot. today i went into less touristy market parts of Cuzco by myself. the best parts of the trip have been those times on my own or with one or two other people.

ok. sleep.

the flight into Costa Rica was beautiful. but the layover was torture since we didnt have time to out and see any of the country. we took turns sleeping, going to get food. at one point we both fell asleep and woke up to people taking pictures of us. hahah...

the flight to Lima was long so i turned on my mp3 and pumped some Deadmau5. that is some damn good music to sleep to and when i woke up it was dark and i could see the lights of cities and i knew we were over south america. i continued listening to my music and just watched out my window at the stars reflected on the ground as the lights of peoples lives. it was dreamlike...

at Lima we went through customs. i lost Ben briefly when we found eachother we went to the food court. we hungout trying to find someplace comfortable to sit. eventually I went to exchange some dollars for soles. On the way, I ran into Alex Mahy. He was waiting for the same flight so he decided to join us for the evening. On the way back to Ben we ran into Shannon. She joined us too. We went back to the booths where we thought we might sleep and played some cards. Then we decided to find another place to settle and finally found this hallway where there were two doors and the wall inbetween the two doors was beig enough for us to all pile our stuff and lay down without being in the way of endless people going in an out. We got lots of stares and laughs. People must have been wondering what these crazy white people were doing. anyway, we wrote and slept there, and got laughed at more. then we had to move cause they were cleaning the floor and we went to the other side of the door frame where we saw Ariel who had lost her credit card. We attempted to use the payphones but they didnt work. We went back to where her stuff was and Emerson and Lindsey were there. I let Ariel use my cell phone to call her mom since she was frantic. We played cards, slept, and then those of us with the early flight went to check in and go through security and board.

I slept on the flight, but I woke up just in time. let me just say that decending into Cuzco with the Andes Mountain range surrounding the plane was byfar the most incredible thing ive seen with my own eyes. i didnt get any pictures but they wouldnt do it justice anyway. We arrived at around 7am. We took a cab to La Plaza de Armas and then climbed the slope and steps up to Hostal Resbalosa. When I checked in i pretty much just passed out until about 4pm. I am sharing a room with Ben, Emerson, and Alex. Its awesome cause I obviously know Ben really well and Alex well enough, and Emerson is awesome. I like living with guys better than girls anyway.

When I woke up from my long sleep, I went to the market to get some dinner with a couple people. Didnt stay up too late.

hey all. in the miami national airport where i just spent a very interesting night. i wont go into too many details since it is hard to type on this thing. we went to south beach "last night" on the metro. i put that in quotes because it feels like the same day since we only kinda slept on the airport floor for about 20 minute intervals. it was freezing and i had checked my big bag into storage so ben and i huddled and cuddled for warmth but it wasnt too effective. we had eaten dunkin donuts for dinner in town becuase everything else was ridiculously priced. we had more donuts at 2am while we played cards. slept. didnt sleep. got up. went outside to warm up. got our bags and went to check in. got through security easily and now we are at our gate.

our flights from seattle to chicage and chicago to miami went well too. we sat next to a friendly girl on the first flight and a nice guy on the second flight. there were some funny girls behind us on that one too.

we are about to board. next stop: Costa Rica.