"you ask me to be stone again
been wading out here for awhile
at least the weight could be the end
but not likely
and it's draining"

"do you think i'm sort of alive
should i set these motives aside
do i feel well sort of benign
when you walk your body through mine
what's keeping my tongue tied
i see when you roll your eyes
i swear any moment you will hear
my spirit explode
when there's fire on the ground
should it turn my whole world around
when a wheels in the lake
should i think it's a big mistake
when there's smoke in the sky
please don't wake me i don't know why
when your hand stretches out
is it way beyond
way beyond my reach"

"wanna live in a fantasy
quietly
show you everything you'll ever need
i hope you'll take it
i know you're faking just a little bit
c'mon and taste it
just get excited cause you're giving in"

"who knows how this feeling grows
was it truly worth
truly worth the starting
who knows why the engine's blown
hope it's truly worth
truly worth the parting"

"maybe we're sealed in silence
maybe we feel a guidance
maybe your own devices
will keep you afraid and cold, but i...
memorized your smile lines when lips divide
kept alive your childlike reaction time
we're allowed to expire with ourselves in mind
so we all are getting old... "

"The stone is privileged with no emotion.
Emotion: that is what we are.
I am starved of the simplicity."
(my 6th journal, 10/8/09)

it was stormy outside this morning. it was stormy until i called my dad. i went out to the field and laid in the middle of it and just cried to him . and he talked to me. and the sun came out. and it was my favorite type of day; light rainclouds and sunlight shining through the sprinkles of falling rain. and i was calm.

and then Nygil leaves. And its stormy again.
and I'm crying again. and it really fucking hurts.
and why did everything converge last weekend? and again this weekend?
Why did the two people I related to most, suddenly go away from me?
And Ariel too.
And i cant find anyone. Where is everyone?

why is everything crumbling?

why are the people I need the ones that leave?

my eyes hurt.
their swollen from crying so much.

there is power surging in the air today.

And yesterday I felt invincible.
Today I feel fragile. Body beaten down with exhaustion and eyes numb from crying.
But I still feel powerful.

Alicia said last night that we always think about what more we CAN do, and rarely think of all that we have done. I do think of what I've done... but I haven't lately. Not until last night. She said "this is what you do to people Alex. You change their lives because you believe you can, and you don't give up on them." She referenced Tony and Matt. I thought of many others.
It might sound conceited. But it isn't. It's just true. Not to say they didn't change my life. Of course they did. Every single person I meet does.

Nygil wrote this today: "You've always been someone i could confide in when i was at my worst, and when i needed help to figure out where i should turn you were always there to offer directions."

And I have changed people's lives who refused that I could ever make a dent. That is powerful.
And everything that is going on right now is really fucking powerful. And overwhelming. But as overwhelmed as I am by school, and you, and everything else I also know its about to get a little bit worse.

Nygil is about to stop by to say goodbye.


How can this all happen so quickly?

Instant shifts like this have only happened to me when there are bigger things going on.
When I was told we were moving to Washington.
When Tony told me it was over.
Those times I have been so completely stunned and in denial about what was happening...
that is how I feel right now.
I literally can't comprehend how instantly things can change... are changing... have changed.

I feel powerless against the force of change. And maybe in some respects I really am. But I also feel like I am empowered. Because I feel so familiar with all of this obscurity.
And not to say that change is wrong. It can be good, and I know it will happen regardless, but I don't just have to succumb to the changes that are being enacted around me.
I know now that have to power to make change too, and I am ready to fight like hell to make things right.

what i liked about last night... even though i really hated it all... was that i cried harder than i have in a long time. maybe the last time was when I found out Mike died. but I don't remember crying too hard that day... I remember Ariana screaming at me on the phone... she was the one who deserved to cry and scream and it is moments like that where I could be a rock. I cried later.

Last night, i was stone as much as i could be for you. But then I needed to be human too. I wanted to scream. I really wanted to exert more emotion than I had energy for. And I am so glad I ended up at Alicia's. Literally that saved me because I could scream and cry and yell and just say exactly what I needed to say. And she listened and helped so much. And I was amazed by something... how long it had been since we shared so much with each other. She even mentioned how earlier she was thinking of those nights we'd just lay awake and talk til the sun came up. I know Alicia is so close to me for a reason. I've always known that. So when she changed so drastically, so quickly I started losing site of why we were so close in the first place. I thought it was because of how deeply we feel things, and the way we are always seeking to understand more about the world, even if it's through pain. Anyway... this is an example of why these crazy fucked up random ups and downs that have been happening, still feel right. because that moment with Alicia needed to happen. And the night with you needed to happen.

And maybe you do need to step back from all of this...
but Alicia told me one thing last night that I am going to tell you:
"Don't prevent."
She said "I try to live my life such that I doesn't prevent possibility, or the infinite things that might happen. I try to keep down all the barriers that block possibility from occurring."

And why would you block something off if it was something good? Even if we are uncertain about what that something is, or what it means...
why deny it?

i dont know why... but as wrong as everything is, i know it has to happen this way. there are so many things that just make all of this make so much sense.
strange things, like connections to dreams.
like the fact that what we talk about there completely applies to here.
and just some of the things you said.

i havent felt such profound emotions for a couple months (yea, i know that pales in comparison to your years...)

i just know i can prove you wrong.
gosh, is there ever something you just know in your heart. you just KNOW.
Oh god.
I just need to be able to express this. but its so complicated.

i'm exhausting myself.
i need to get to work so that when you finally do get back to me, i can talk to you and focus on only that.

just now when i was titling that last post... blindsided. it reminded me of something you said last night (you said soooo much last night). i dont even remember exactly what you said, but it was something about being blindsided, and just completely knocked off guard...

it reminded me of my dream. the one where you died. blindsided.



you said another thing last night. about plans.
you said how the fuck can we even begin to make plans when life is just so fucking random and things happen out of nowhere. you can't plan for it all...

you can't.
you are right about so many things.
if you don't listen to me, listen to yourself.

so, one of the best days of my life kinda just turned into one of the worst.


i wish you had seen how i really feel. I wish you had seen me cry.
I sat there, solid, tight grip around my legs, pulling them to my chest.
A rock.
but "I'm not a stone, I'm just a man"

and i knew as soon as you left I would be so lost....
i could have kept you longer. i could have said something. you asked me to tell you how i felt.

But i couldnt. i felt that my feelings shouldnt influence what you felt you had to do.
what i felt though, was that you were wrong.

I was questioning who knew you better...
I felt like I dont know who you are. but that you don't either.
and i felt like this could be good for both of us. i know it was good for me... just today.

ok, today before things got fucked up, I couldnt stop comparing this situation to Garden State. I know... I know I have felt this situation before, and not to discredit those connections or anything, but this one... felt the most connected.

just the fact that in a matter of days our lives could change so drastically because of eachother, and other things, but at the heart of it, because we could see reflections of ourselves in eachother and could finally feel like there was someone who could at least hold the same kind of emotions.

there is so much to say, and it isnt all coming out right, but i can go back and sort it out later.

i am sitting in Alicia's room. listening to the sky cry. its 2:23 am.
last night, this time, i was with you, and whether or not it was a dream (or a moment in time as perfect and fleeting as a dream can be) it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

i ended up over at Alicia's because once you left tonight.... I just knew it was all wrong. And the only options were to follow you and somehow convince you to stay up and talk to me. Or go talk to him, which would just result in more unnecessary pain. I could write, but this blog interface wasnt working. And I texted Alicia and she wasnt responding. And I could have gone and laid on the field because i knew i needed to just scream and cry and feel surrounded by something real.
i decided i needed a person though and that i was going to get to Alicia even if it meant stealing Ariel's climbing ropes and somehow climbing up to the fifth story of A and knocking on her window. I just had some people take me up the elevator though. I knocked a couple times. No response. Then i knocked and said her name. i knew she heard me, and she came.
I fell apart right there. and when i regained control of any ability to speak i started telling her that i just cant deal with it all. and then i finally got around to what happened tonight.

and i cried hysterically for a while and she held me and talked me through it.
it was the pain that bothered me the most... just that i was so comfortable with it. how can it even be pain if you are so comfortable with it? but i was... it felt like coming back home, or somewhere really familiar where everything just felt like it always had. and that made it worse. because i dont want to be like that again. i don't want that to be my home. and i don't want it to be yours either. and that is why i don't know what the fuck to do. because i know Garden State is just a movie, but I feel like it has a point... and that it is so parallel to what is happening between us that we should listen to it.

you are trying to be fair to yourself and to me. and i am trying to as well. which is why i sat there instead of breaking down into the oblivion i felt. but then when you were gone, i realized how wrong you were. i don't even know what i think you are wrong about, i just have this pure feeling inside me that this is right in some crazy movie-scripted way. because the way last night fell together and occurred so perfectly... that just doesnt happen. and i know you felt the same. i could feel it. i looked in your eyes all night, and i have never seen anything as amazing as that... just... every time we talk, the more we talk, the more human you are than most people i have ever met. and the better you are the more you just open yourself to how you really feel.

that is scary and its hard and it might fucking hurt
but goddamnit.... i think you are wrong. i think you need this. and i think for once in your life you need to go with what YOU want and need.
and if thats what you are really honestly doing then fine. but right now, im not convinced. seriously im not. you took your mask off for me, and i know how you put it on. you can't just hide anymore. you have to... try something new.


Sam: "You don't realize, this is good, this doesn't happen often in your life. We can work this stuff out. I want to help you, you know? We need each other..."
Andrew: "This isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... I'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I'm- I'm- I'm worried that if I don't figure myself out, if I don't go like land on my own two feet, then I'm just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go... you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go."


Andrew (later): "Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?"

fuck, you know? like... maybe that isnt exactly our situation, but it is close right?

you are feeling things you havent felt, stronger than youve ever felt.
that says something.

or maybe im just an idiot, and i place too much stock in what i feel...
but... you have to know how i feel. and so im gonna fight for this.
tomorrow though.

tonight, i will finally sleep.

harsh.

up and down and up and down.
i really feel like puking.
hahah
and at the same time, all i can do is smile because...
ah well.

"My dream sequence has become my life or
so it seems."

"The meaning of life will come in a dream
This is why we must never go to sleep"




Ok... so...
1) my dreams might hold some premonitions


2) there are only a few pieces of news that could screw up this day, and i just got one of them...

BUT

i feel pretty invincible right now...
and i know i am going to figure all of this out.

i was dancing with the pipes in the living room during our dance party, and i was pretending to know how to pole dance with it. that was funny in itself. but then when i was done we realized that i had scratched a ton of the paint off the poles.

climbing.
i adore it.
tonight there was this guy doing a traverse one and... he moved so fluidly. and silently. of course that means he is very practiced, but it was a very beautiful thing to watch.
i did some climbing. i never do too much. its hard with the guys there cause... i don't like being watched when im trying to figure something out. but i am just glad i have people i know there. it is cool how they help me so much, and are so patient with me... and even if i keep falling, they never laugh, even though i am usually laughing at myself. its really a lot of fun though.

ariel and carolyn and i had a dance party tonight before i went climbing. that was pretty dope. ha.... just forget that i used that word. but yea, it was pretty fun.

after climbing ariel and i went star tripping briefly and then she made us some awesome noodles for a late dinner, while i read.

I am done with all my work for tonight. of course there is always more i could do... but i did a lot of reading today, so i am just stoked to relax for a bit. tomorrow is another non-stop day. class all morning and afternoon. running. shower. dinner. class. homework. sleep.

meh.
time to got enjoy the bit of freedom i have. ^_^


oh... PS. I got the best news from John today, and it just made me flip out and i am sooooo fucking stoked about it and i am sooooooooo happy for him, YAYAYAYAYAY!
yup.

good day.

oh fuck. so much to say. at least i already blogged about the pizza.

after work, went hom. did spanish work and blasted some music which got me pumped to run. but it was 4 and i had class at 6 so i knew it had to be a short one. i ended up running my regular route, without the parkway add-on. and i felt like i was much faster, or at least more consistent with my pace. it was a good run, and somehow it actually did last for an hour. i got back and took the fastest shower i could. i booked it up to the greenery. i had a half hour to eat with alicia. i wanted to review for the spanish test but i didnt have time cause i had some cooked veggies, and then started downing glasses of water and dipping chocolate chip cookies in them. :P

then i took the test. it was super simple. except one of the questions was "what is the name of your professor?" (in spanish of course) and i forgot her name so i had to ask her. hah. anyway. when i got done with the test i got to leave and so i went to the apartment and started reading like crazy. i finished a bit and then needed a break and alicia texted me and told me it was open mic night at HCC. she said "guess who's playing." i didnt know, but i knew the tone so i booked it out of there, ariel at my heals. i was running so fast it felt like i was escaping prison. haha. anyway, it turned out to be that guy we saw at battle of the bands last year who's music i really liked. it was a good show. but we decided that while they were playing we'd go spinning. we went out to the feild and did some of that. then we decided to try some star tripping. it was pretty epic, especially with the music.
the we came back and chilled/read/ranted.
i went to tyler and zach's for a bit when they got back from their ultimate game.
alicia and ariel had been hounding me about staying over too long (because of my swift return of 5 hours on saturday.) so i decided to keep it short and prove those bitches wrong. just kidding.

i am too hyper for my own good. i must be tripping stars or something.

"thank goodness for internal genitalia"



just kidding. (not really).

we are watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000 to Gumby. Well now its some black and white movie and its fucking hilarious.


"im pleasant but i have issues." <--- ariel asked me to write that one down.

"i invite you to join me in marital intercourse."


OH FUCK!
hah.
well at least im in a better mood today.

in the form of PIZZA!!

fuck yes!!
oh my god!

i'm sitting here in the Writing Center. had two great sessions, but really heavy. i almost cried in one cause it was so powerful. and the other one got me all politically riled up.
and my life just keeps getting more complicated by work and interactions ect by the minute.

anywho... so im sitting here talking to Christina, and this woman walks through, balancing a beautiful box of pizza on a crate she is carrying. "Do you guys want some pizza?"

Pause.
now what the fuck kinda question is that? Do you want pizza? really!? OF FUCKING COURSE I WANT PIZZA. THE VERY FABRIC OF MY BEING IS DETERIORATING. I WANT SOME FUCKING PIZZA!
unpause.

"YES!" I shouted!

A pizza. Half cheese and mushrooms, half cheese and olives. Really?! This is a gift from the gods!!!
Christina said the woman had been running a workshop in the classroom and it was probably just the leftovers. pishposh.
That woman was undoubtably a spiritual being sent to wash away my worries with the delicousness of cold, greesy slices of pizza.
Now I am downing my third piece.
Oh yes!

Well, the excitement is over kids. Now I am off to do my work.

ok, ok. lets cut the bullshit.
i miss matt.
i miss josh.
i miss home. kitties doggies parents siblings (but honestly i rarely think about home... how much i miss it. i think about mom alot and becca. but i havent thought of the animals in i dont even know how long.)

my room was great until the nightmares happened. especially the one set in my room. and then theres the memories of having people in here with me. when im alone... no matter how many pictures and decorations i have... it still feels cool and unwelcoming.

im tired. obviously.
my sleep schedule is off again which i am pissed about. but i seriously need a couple hours of relaxation everyday... and then i always end up taking to much. like tonight. and thats how my work builds up. because i have weekends like this one, where there are suddenly like three different guys giving me all these weird messages. and its up and down, up and down. and i don't have time to help other people, which makes me feel like a bad friend.
and everything i am learning is just making it harder and harder for me to function in this world.

i'm breaking out like crazy. maybe its cause i am drinking 2 percent milk again with my cereal for breakfast every other day. thats what ariel suggested.

i'm frusterated with the weakness of my voice lately. i don't have the backbone to say the things i mean, and when i do i dont convey it right and i get criticized. and if i dont then someone else says what i should have said.

i always forget something i am supposed to do during a WC session, and they never go long enough, and i am doubting my abilities as a tutor. i don't want to bring anything negitive to the WC.

at the end of the day, even if i don't have a break, it'd be nice to come back and read with someone. itd be nice to lay my head in a lap, or on a shoulder. and its unfortunate that i feel so needy in that way. its hard to tell genuine feelings from pure loneliness.

i don't know how to interpret different interactions with me on different days. like... Eric... sometimes he's super nice (well... in the past day or so), and sometimes he's a dick.


im bitter about myself. im bitter about other people.
its fucking 2am.
time is speeding again tonight.
so much for keeping up with my reading so far this week.

well. i survived the day. somewhat. its 1:00 and i still have my spanish to do and most of tonights chapter of Language Death.
tomorrow is sleep in til 9, work til 3, running for an hour, shower, food at 5, class til 8, homework, and possibly, though doubtably time to go hang out with someone/people.
wednesday is class at 9:30 to 12. language lab for an hour. reading. working on integration paper. more reading. much needed dance party. ...yea.

yea.
oh, i am clenching my teeth. while i'm awake. its been a while since I caught myself doing that. :/
i guess i really am overwhelmed.



tonight was actually pretty nice though. i went straight from work to eat the tacos that Tyler and Zach and Erik had made. It was an exceptional meal, and well-deserved if i do say so myself. I had 4 sessions today. 3 back to back to back. because one girl came in frantic to meet with a tutor but didnt have an appointment. luckily, i can't seem to get a tutee to stay for a full hour so the guy i was working with (who happened to be in the same class, writing the same paper, the night before it needs to be turned in) had left really early basically telling me he didnt care about it. anyway. so i had that session. and then i had another one scheduled for immediately after that, which again was the same class and the same paper. blech.

the worst is trying to tutor first year students who are being misinformed about the purpose of the writing center, and who don't even want to be there in the first place, but are being forced to by their teachers, who are perpetually misinformed about the use of the writing center. fuck.
my first session was great though. the chick who is working on a contract surrounding deaf education. its fascinating stuff, and she actually gives a damn about what she is doing. so it was pretty cool. and i feel like she left with some really good starting points for her paper.

yeaaaa. and I can't find the readings for CV2 anywhere, so i need to do that during work tomorrow so i can add my response to that to my ever enlarging list of shit i have to do this week.
yup. and i am destined to not get my spanish homework done tonight...

ohmygod.
i am seriously fucked.

time to stop screwing around, and get to work.

oh... and i...
i hope i did something that made someone feel special today. i bought him a journal so he can start writing. i hope he does. it'll be good for him. ^_^
i think that was the best part of my day.
oh, and the chocolate chip cookie that i put in my pocket during lunch and found during seminar when all i wanted to do was cry. that was good too.

that was the most emotionally taxing seminar I have had for a long time. In full group I didn't say anything. I don't think I got the full concept of the book until after we had talked it all through. I didn't feel qualified to speak because I hadn't thought it through enough. I wish I had time to think it through.
Maybe taking 20 credits worth of school and work is just not reasonable. I know my mind is strong enough to develop these concepts, but I'm not doing it. I need time to process the information, to work through the doom and gloom, and the chaos...

This week we start our research projects on top of everything else.
Shit.
I am partly considering dropping Spanish, forgetting about Peru, just so can deal with everything else. Not that dropping Spanish would do much. Its the most relaxing class ever so I'd still be overwhelmed without it.

After seminar I was supposed to go to this workshop. Fuck that. There was no way. So I decided to take the hour off. I went on a walk back down to the dorms for the second time (I had done this between peer review and lunch since we got out early). The walk was what I thought I needed. But it didn't help. Zach and Eric and Daniel were on the field throwing a frisbee. I didn't stop to chat cause I was breaking down by the minute. I didn't know if I wanted to go to my dorm so I went into the HCC bathroom and splashed water on my face. Not enough. I slunk to my room and screamed into my pillow and felt like crying but couldn't. I got up and went to the kitchen cause I heard Em in there. I was about to ask her if she had any fruit lying around and she told me there were some apples in the fridge. I considered two or three, but grabbed one. It was pretty good. Really good for the moment, because everything felt like shit. The apple accompanied back through the field and up here, to the library where I am waiting for work to start. I should be reading. I told myself I would be. But honestly I can only do so much.
Maybe I am just being weak.

After work it'd be really nice to go back and read slowly and peacefully. I'd like the company of someone, but I don't know...
I really need someone who understands me in a certain respect, but I am not sure if there is such a person. Lots of people have lots of different understandings of me. I need a specific one. "Need." I am so weak.

After that seminar, I can't help but hate myself a little bit. Not only because of my inability to contribute anything of significance, but also because I am part of the burden of this world. And I carry that with me. Why shouldn't I? No, the real question is why don't more people carry it too? I feel like the people in my class understand how overwhelming it is. Some of them vocalized that today. But every positive. Every piece of hope that gets tossed in the middle of that circle of thinkers, is ravenously torn apart by questions. And questions are good. And there is the rub. We should question everything. But we can't question everything to the point that we do nothing. But I am so stuck.
Someone in seminar said "there is not point in being paralyzed the weight of these ideas." I agree, yet here I am... completely deer-in-headlights stuck.

You said "I guess I'm not as much of a rock as I thought I was."
I feel like my rock-self is quickly deteriorating into dust, or melting under pressure and heat.

The more the world pushes, the stronger I must be.
I said something to that effect right before camp. Camp... where nothing is wrong with the world.

FUCK.
Seriously.
FUCK!!

I'm so fucking angry.

6 minutes.
How am I supposed to be a tutor to someone when I can't even hold myself together.
Put it all on hold. Forget it for now.
Stop being so goddamn weak.

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.

oh and people have been telling me about their crazy dreams they have been having lately. haunting dreams and such...

and how they cant sleep well either.

i have no clue what this is
or that.
im so lost.
give it time
give it time

i know.
but what if time passes and i find out it is nothing?
did i miss something, or was that how it was supposed to be?
readers, please, spare me your answers. they arent what i need now.

ariel. i am sorry. i just know that my "problems" are always what i am talking about. and i havent been so good at listening to you lately. but i am trying. i love you... so come vent to me when you need it.

nygil. thanks for being so great. thanks for everything. and the poem. that was beautiful.

there are other people i want to address, but those are the two for tonight.
i'm tired. my day is long tomorrow. i won't have time to spend with people i really want to.

its bedtime. past, really. but i would have stayed up as long as you stayed over. i enjoy your company and jokes.

gosh, it so strange that things can change so quickly.
i leave for 2 days and come back, and suddenly i am in this alternate universe where nothing that was going to happen, is happening.
its shocking. it threw me off for a bit.

the good thing is though... i like this up-in-the-airness. just because it makes each day different, stressful as it is. i know i cant keep it up for so long. like i said, i need some stability somewhere.
consistency, at least. because i keep going back and forth between these paradigms... ahh thats why i liked Em's status so much. Its exactly how I feel. No clutch...

haaaaaaaaaaaa
im too tired for all the shit in my mind.
sooo much more to say. not enough time.
give it time
give it time
i don't have time to give.
to sleep.
to think enough.
i think too much anyway.

gaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
goodnight.

"Em Newman is paradigm shifting without a clutch."

hahahahahahahahah
i think that's a really cool quote.

fuuuuck.
too much stress.

on the verge of breakdown.


and to top it off...
well,
yea.

i think i am going to vent this anger somewhere more private.

wow... that was an epic run. I walked out the door at 2:45ish and walked in at 4:00.
I ran even further this time. I added on a mile at least by running along the parkway. and i still did it all in only a little over an hour. I wish i knew exactly how far I was running.

I feel so calm.
I'm dripping sweat.
My feet want to disown me, I think. I don't know if the pain is from my shoes, or just from pounding on the concrete/asphalt. Probably both.

Missed call from Mom. Sad. I will call her back after I shower and write my essay.

I'm getting chilled, cause I'm soaked. It wasn't even raining today. I'm soaked in sweat.
*shivers*
shower shower shower.
food.
then essay.
then something fun, I hope.
then sleep. long week ahead.

i am remembering my responsibilities. my bigger responsibilities. the one's that push me down into myself. into a hole.
I don't think i am going to let that happen. I'm sure gonna try to fight it, because I can't really afford to be so introspective. not that being that way would even help me fulfill my responsibilities anyway. no, i need to stay awake. and i need to be in action. i can't be paralyzed by the overwhelmingness of everything. i have to be stronger than that.

stronger. always stronger.
just like every day that i run, i run farther. and faster.

today i feel excited. not so stoked for the paper i have to write. but i feel like something good is about to begin.
maybe im a little anxious, but not like i felt all weekend, when everything was suddenly thrown at me from all different directions.

anyway. i have to write this paper on this amazing book Manifestos on the Future of Food and Seed. Its been a while since a book has been such a call to action for me. but this book is so eyeopening and real that it made me just want to shift so many aspects of my life.
i feel like... people are so ignorant. what i think about most is people in my family, because that is what i know the most. not to say that we are ignorant people... but our lifestyle, conscious as it may be, is so much part of the problem. the great thing is though, when we are dealing with my immediate family i know they will at least listen to the call, and likely make some change in response. when we go out to my extended family (well, my mom's side, cause that's all i really know) they are much less susceptible to understanding the actual problems of this world.

all i know is when i went to see Aunt Kathy's new house, i wasnt really impressed. i mean, the coolest part of it was the goats, and the property. but the house itself was... nothing special. and not just aesthetically. but what really bothered me was this whole idea that they have all this land, and this huge house and its "off the grid" so its "environmentally friendly" (not that they probably really care), and it just felt like... it was all done for the wrong reasons. yea it was their dream fulfilled and maybe is a better idea than living in a housing development, but i really wish they wouldnt pretend to me that they are such great people just because of certain choices they make about the way to energize thier lives. i mean they bought this 100+ acres of land for god knows how much...
i'm rambling. i have a point i just can't seem to make it using this example.
i know there is a possibility that Aunt Kathy even reads this blog... and thats fine. I don't mean to be rude, or assume i know things that i don't. this is just the feeling i got when i was there.
I just know that this is how so many people think, even me, and we all have to break this paradigm. it can't be about us individually. it has to be about us as a whole. which is why running away from society, just because I hate it isnt gonna make a goddamned difference.
but the thing is, i don't hate humanity. i hate our culture of ignorance. i hate that we can sit back and read Brave New World, and 1984 and not realize that they are comments on the present. not some fictional future that might happen at this rate. no, it is today that we are force fed soma pills that keep us subdued under a false reality of happiness.

i feel like i am really putting myself out on the chopping block for some criticism. maybe im an idiot. maybe i have no fucking clue what i am talking about. except that i do. maybe i just have yet to "impose order on the chaos of my mind" enough so that i can actually portray a clear thought through the use of my language.

anyway. this whole rant started because of Manifestos. And I think i am going to have my mom read it at the very least. I don't think Nathan would really take much stock in it or anything I had to say. If I were to have Becca read a book, it would either be The Poisonwood Bible, or Priveledge Power and Difference. Or both. Though we would have to have conversations about them probably to portray the point I really want to get across.
Maybe that would be really cruel... trying to shatter a paradigm. But if its ignorance than isnt it kinda my responsibility to say something?

I donno. I have so much more ranting to do. I don't really want people to comment and be like "you're wrong because blah blah blah" but have at it if you must. Maybe that is your duty that you need to fulfil today. who the fuck knows.
i don't pretend to know anything. im just bouncing stupid ideas off this stupid computer screen to try to find some answers.

all in all though. im in a good mood today. you wouldnt know it by my thoughts or how i look or even how i feel, but i'm just choosing to ignore the side of me that wants to pull me down into an utter chaotic wreck. i need some stability, and if that means being ignorant to something, its going to be something that only has to do with me.

"Time for the final bow.
Rows of deserted houses,
All our stable mates highway bound.
Give us our measly sum.
Getting the air inside my lungs is heavenly.
Starting out with nothing but crippling doubt.
We'll rest easy, justified.
Suffered a swift defeat, i'll endure countless repeats.
The gift of memory is an awful curse.
With age it just gets much worse, but i won't mind
I won't mind
I won't mind
I won't mind"

Oh Death Cab, you are timeless to me.
(timeless, which is a song in hairspray, sung by christopher walken, who reminds me of your accents last night, and reminds me why my smile is beating out all the pressure inside.)

I'm gonna go run. I need to think and exert some energy before I can even approach this paper.

oh yea...
and in the midst of everything I forgot to go to the Longhouse reopening ceremony. Not that I would have had time or energy, but I was looking forward to it since Spring quarter so I'm a little bummed. We were supposed to present the drums that we made.

Ahh well. Liza didn't email me anyway...
I had just woken up by the time it started, and didn't even remember until 2 hours later.





God I wish I just had time to sit around and listening to Death Cab lyrics.
Or dance around my room to Paramore and try on different outfits.
Haha. I love that stupid shit.
I think I started running because I knew I could listen to music while feeling a bit productive. I can't listen to music while I'm reading or doing my homework or sitting in the writing center waiting for my appointment. Running though... yea... sometimes I sing when I run. Really loud. Especially when I'm down by the organic farm. Sometimes I hope that singing while running will help me improve my singing abilities... I donno, help strengthen my voice or something.



uggh. I have so much to do this week.
When am I gonna get a break? Really... when?
RARGGGG!

WHATTHEHELL!!?!?

These past two days have literally been a nonstop roller coaster ride for me.
I feel like.... oh god, I don't even know.

All I know is I just spent 4 hours talking/listening to someone who last week I was convinced hated me.

I didn't get my book read, or my paper started, making tomorrow look pretty insane already.

And I feel like I haven't slept for so long even though I got like 10 hours of sleep last night. Well today... 4 am to 2pm.
My mind is utterly mush, or feels that way because it is swirling with so many thoughts having to do with academics, running, social life, love life, the meaning of life... on and on and on.

Last night. That in itself was overwhelming.
Today...
today...
ohmygod today...

I wish I could actually write what happened but I really can't on here. I can just say that on a roller coaster you have all this build up on the way up, and then on the way down it feels completely different, and shocking. And that has happened so many times in the last 40 hours that my head is spinning out of control.
To put it another way, there have been multiple times that there was so much emotion in me that if I didn't exhibit it physically I probably would be hospitalized. And even jumping up and down, stomping, throwing my arms wildly, running at top speed, throwing myself on the ground, screaming, pacing, kicking, yelling about it.... none of that was enough to express what it all really feels like inside. All of those things sound really violent, like I am angry. I'm not really angry, or sad or anything like that. I am just REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking confused.

I'm just gonna try to get it all out by saying some general things about this... its gonna be really rambly and un-punctuated because I can hardly think straight anyway.
I saw so much of your humanity tonight that it was almost like the more you talked the more human you got and at points it felt like you were a completely different person than I have ever known you to be. And thats true cause you are a completely different person. You have such a thick mask covering you at all times. And even though you are the most blunt person I have ever met, I never even had a glimpse of... of... of you, until tonight. I have known you for a year. I saw you about half those days, and talked to you many of them and there was twice before that you gave me something more than you give everyone else. But you gave me... all of it tonight. No wonder Im in shock right now, cause... who you are, who you really are, is someone I truely like. I think you are amazing. And I have so much empathy for you. And I love listening to you talk, even though you never shut up. I just... had no clue how fucking thick that mask was until now. And it blows my mind that you... do that every day. Cause the more you peeled it off, little by little, the greater I thought you were, the harder you made me laugh, and the more I wanted to know.

I can't even...
fuck. time is speeding tonight.
i need to go read.
i just want to go talk to you more.

can't life stop for a second, please?

we changed everything.

there really is no going back.

running top speed, in darkness
grass and settled rain becomes space
to fly through.
i feel nothing
except what it feels like to be weightless.
spinning.
its like you're about to lift off
like your hands might combust from the force
or hold the power that will draw you from the ground.

you can't cry.
you can't even feel how amazing it really is.
you can only laugh, hysterically, madly,
and laugh more because people think you are truly mad.

falling to the ground at full speed
its should hurt more than it does.
it doesn't hurt.
it does something else.

too bad,
really, too bad
that i can't really tell any of you anything.

i might be able to show you though.

I am remembering way too much today.
I am recalling how to feel too many things.

there is no rain.

so much stock should not be put in one thing.

sometimes some emotions are too much.


I'm gonna go lay in the rain.

that was quick.
i promised photos and stories.

i didn't take nearly enough pictures. but i guess i was too busy enjoying where I was and the people I was with. I got some nice pictures. nothing special in the quality sense, but a few neat memories.

i don't really have too many stories either.

the trip had profound effects on the dynamics of our class though. i don't think i am going to get into that right now. i need to grab a quick bite, and go on a run. I'm exhausted mentally. i have tons of reading and writing and thinking to do. i wanna hang out with friends tonight, and maybe see Where the Wild Things Are ('cept I don't have any $$)
Meh. I need to... go though. And not write.
I will do this later.

I ran today.
I switched directions and at the end added another round of the road that leads from the edge of the field/day care around to the mods and apartments. Then I added another lap. The last half lap was sprinting. Luckily The Tempest wasn't as long as I remembered because I was about to collapse when that ended. I was sweating, and heaving and I felt fucking amazing. I really hit my stride about halfway through, and I think I went faster cause I went further in almost the same amount of time. By the time I got back I had to quickly shower and get up to the Greenery to meet Alicia (who I hadn't seen all weekend) and Ben. I got there before them and ran into Mark. I asked if I could sit with him. Alicia and Ben sat with us too. It was nice to just... be... yea. It was nice, even though there wasn't much talking. Then Ben and I had to rush off to Spanish. I am feeling pretty good about my Spanish, and I am working ahead a bit... Plus Arleen said that she was gonna pick up the pace a bit. Yay for learning Spanish!

The rest of the day before my run was working at the WC. I had two walk-in appointments that went really well, and one who is going to be a weekly returner! And I helped train a desk person who was really a sweetheart! I wish I had remembered her name... I can get it next week.

Right now I just want to relax.
I need to pack, read a lot of a book, start a paper, ect.
And all I really want is to hang out with Alicia and Ariel and be girly. haha. Tyler could come too.
Tomorrow I leave for the retreat.
I have... an array of hope and worries. But Kate (who is in Andean Roots and Spanish with Ben and I) said she was a bit worried too. So at least the three of us can be a little nervous together.
I can't wait to take pictures and run in a new place!

I'm glad I had you with me last night,
but it didn't protect me from horrible dreams.

They're all very crepuscular.
(haha... sorry, this blog was interrupted by my having to write the Writing Center "word of the day," luckily it kinda fits.)
But I still thought they were real.


Two nights ago it was zombie dreams (this was the night Dana stayed in my bed with me).

1. The first one was Matt and I. We were running, and we found ourselves in a dead end... a room with a bed and a comforter. We hid on the bed, under the blanket and talked quietly about how to escape, and how we were likely about to die. All of a sudden, we heard a noise from the doorway and we were silent and still; not breathing, hoping not to die. I guess I held my breath in my sleep cause I woke myself up, but it was in an instant when in the dream I was squeezing my eyes closed, and thought that the actual opening of my eyes was just in my dream. So even though I was awake I could the noises outside the door, and I could feel "Matt" next to me, and hear "his" breathing. It took me about 5 minutes to fully digest that I had been dreaming of the zombies, and was now awake, lying next to Dana, not Matt.

Only then did I allow myself to drift back into sleep.
The next dream was worse in a way because I was stuck in it for longer, and there was more buildup, more uncertainty.

2. We had found this abandoned, but up kept, mansion. It was me and some of my friends though I can't recall who. It doesn't matter. We knew the zombies were coming, we just didn't know when. We decided to look for the most secure room. It was a very long bedroom, bigger than Nathan/Becca's old room at home, much bigger, and it had locks on the doors. It was used as a storage room, but most of the stuff was in piles in the closet (which was about the size of that big bedroom at home, and which locked securely away from the other room). We found a secret door in the closet that led to a smaller storage room with dim lighting and low ceilings (and locks). Attached to that was another secret, tiny room which had a trap door that lead to the main house. I peaked out the trap door and saw that there were hundreds of kids packing themselves in the house trying to escape the zombies. I secured the door and went through the maze of rooms back to the big bedroom where my friends were trying to screen everyone for infection. Eventually we realized that if we didn't let them in faster, we would have a huge problem, so they just started pouring in, un-screened. This bothered me, but it was the only choice. The amount of people (mostly high school age) filled the room and the closet. None were infected as we found out over time. For some reason though, we had to get out of that room... likely to get food, but we took everyone. We found these moveable walls, and made basically a long hallway of people holding the walls up. It worked. We could hear the zombies on the other side, and we got pretty far, but then we were stuck, and things started going wrong. Some people were holding the walls sideways, so they weren't high enough to keep us truely safe...
People began paniking... but I think I woke up before the real chaos unfolded.


Last night... I kinda thought I'd be safe with you next to me. I felt safe, thats for sure.
My dream though... it was so real.

3. Tyler came over to my dorm one night and he was quieter than normal (not much, but I caught on). He told me Zach had just died... in a car accident. He wasn't upset. He was laughing; trying to make it better with his attitude. "It's all about how we look at it" he said. I was so frustrated at his reaction to this, and I left without a word. I was sobbing. I tried to go tell other people, and either they didn't know who he was, or they simply replied "why do you care? You didn't even really like him." That's not true. I relate to him in ways I couldn't ever explain to you...in so many ways, he makes me feel less alone. That's what I said in response, but only in my head. It got to a point where I was pacing. Walking frantically around campus looking for Zach. I wanted to ask him why he was so stupid to get in a car. I hated cars so much more suddenly, and I hated drivers and I hated that I knew exactly what happened that caused him to die. I could see it in my head. He and Eric in the car... Zach would be making jokes... sometimes he was driving, sometimes he wasn't. When the crash happened, he was, and he momentarily looked over at the passenger (this was where my view was from and I could see the other cars headlights get brighter and brighter behind his smile. It wasn't a smile anymore. He knew he was about to die.
After I was able to see what had happened in my mind, I started screaming. Screaming and just flailing everywhere. It made my body in real life twitch to life and I was suddenly back in my room, sitting straight up, trying to catch my breath.

You asked me if I was okay, without moving. I thought about it for a second. Honestly my initial thought was "I'm not always going to be this lucky. It's not always going to just be a dream." I told you the basics, burrowed my head in your shoulder, and went back to sleep. My alarm went off about 30 minutes later and it was time for you to get ready for class. You gave me a hug, I thanked you, you left.
I fell back to sleep.

4. This dream is the hardest to explain, and was also the most crepuscular (I'm so glad I know that word now...I've always needed a word to it). I was alone. I think it was a continuation, because I remember feeling very depressed, and very alone. Em had David and Mark over from next door. I was just getting up for the day... I couldn't help it cause they were being so loud. I wanted to get up though, and see them. I needed to see someone who might understand how I feel. I don't think I was talking to Tyler anymore, and I think I remember Ariel was mad at me. Nygil was gone, everyone I knew was gone. I thought Mark would understand. I don't remember it all. I just remember that when he was leaving I didn't want him to. He gave me a hug and I didn't let go for a while. Then I did and he didn't let go. And then he left. My sister came in when that was going on, and she met Mark. She had bad news... something about the family but I can't remember. She couldnt stay long, but she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Then she was gone too.
All else I remember was being around campus, searching for people I knew. It was part of the UW campus though, not Evergreen, except it was right outside my dorm (in the roundabout/circle thing where the smokers tent would me). Anyway... I was wandering. It was dim out. I was alone. I saw Mark but that was it, he was busy, but he wanted me to feel better.

I woke up. Time to go to work.


Last night Nygil told me about lucid dreaming. I will work on that.

after zombie dreams
and a hard day

i do not want to sleep alone tonight...

Writing Center = massive healing.
I swear, that place is my miracle this year, along with Camp K.

My second tutoring session today was even better than my first. It was another "How I Write" but this kid was like super passionate about writing, and I got all worked up and excited, and so did he, and we had all these crazy good ideas flying between us... it was just incredible. AND he came up with the idea to come in again next week, even though I don't think it is required. AWESOME! ^_^
Yea, it was sooooo good.
I still feel wiped, but I had a bowl of cereal and Ariel is going to make some pasta and then we are gonna watch Heroes with Tyler.
I decided to run tomorrow between work and class, instead of tonight in the freezing darkness. I am also debating bringing my running shoes on the retreat... well... those hiking boots are trail runners anyway... so i will be running on the retreat for sure.

I can read later. I deserve a break.

its my day to run today...


8. get off work.
im starving.
8:30. run?
9:30. eat...

read.
write.
speak Spanish.
sleep.


Actual human connection?
No time for that...

life was less complicated yesterday.

today...

Well... besides the fact that I have had to be somewhere non-stop between 10am and now (and continuing until 8) I'm starting to remember why I struggled so much with the world for so long.
I don't really wanna go there though.
To say it (without saying it):
I feel very alone.
I'm calling myself into question again.
Once again, I am starting to rely on other people's approval for my acceptance of myself.

Maybe I never stopped doing that, but it sure does start to stick out when other people blatantly don't approve.

Fuck. It was seminar today that broke me.
It was like I reverted a year. I didn't have anything to say that I thought anyone else would think was important. It wasn't until we had about 15 minutes left that I spoke up in full group, and it was in response to someone else. Basically when I was done explaining what I was trying to say, I had 15 blank faces staring at me as if I spoke a foreign language (funny cause we were talking about linguistics, and my point had to do with how standardization, or at least, specificity is important when trying to communicate effectively across differences... especially with like census data).

Apparently I'm some sort of alien or idiot cause like I said... it was silent. I tried to re explain, and instead of people trying to get my point, this girl commented on how someone else's previous point was a good one and went along about it.

There are many reason's I hadnt spoken up until that point.
One was that I had been similarly shut down in small group discussion, where I tried to explain something and wasnt given ample time to work it out in words.
Two was because I felt overwhelmed by the info in the book, and kinda wanted to get a feel for how it was being interpreted before I stuck my neck out on the chopping block (clearly that was effective...)
Three was because many of these people are upperclassmen, and for some reason that I can't figure out, are all more articulate, smarter, and more knowledgeable about this topic.

Whatever really happened in there, I was broken down by it, and for the first time in weeks, I wanted to cry.
All the while Dana was sitting next to me, cause she wanted to sit in on one of my classes. She enjoyed it a lot and even thought it was better than most anything she had experienced at Whitman. That made it worth it for me to have to sit through, to have her be satisfied.

Right after seminar at 3, it was time for my biweekly writing center meeting which inconveniently got moved to Monday, 3-5, right when seminar ends, and overlapping with one of my writing center hours.

Ironically enough, that meeting was about group dynamics... and how to find a balance when having discussions with groups, without making the situation uncomfortable with anyone else. Go figure.

It was a very draining meeting, especially having gone through what I just had.
Then immediately after that (actually even before the meeting was over) I had to go to my first tutoring session. That was the best part of my day so far. Unfortunately the kid only wanted to spend about 15 minutes in here. We were having an awesome conversation about his paper, and his program about dreaming, and my dreams, ect. But he left quickly after we were done reading and discussing his paper.

Then I had time to reflect on the session.
Now I have desk duty and I am pretty much venting out 8 hours of one huge stressful day.

Tomorrow... I have work, and Spanish class.
I need to finish reading a book, and pack for the retreat.
Then we have the retreat, which I am excited for because I don't really have class all week, but I am kinda dreading cause I feel so outcast from many of my classmates.

Ben will be there. And there's this chick Donna who's awesome (and had she been in seminar today she would have backed me up, or at least tried to understand me, like she did last week). Kelsey is cool too. And Annie. And hopefully I will get to know many more of the people who I am going to be working with for at least the next 5 or 6 months. I don't want to start getting any negitive feelings toward them already, but I just...
I listen to everyone. I try to understand all the crazy things people say.
I just want to be heard too.

That's about it...
what it all comes down to.
I want someone to relate to me.
You know whats hard about that though?
All the people who are like me, in that sense, are likely going to be the ones quietly listening, the one's waiting to be approached, the one's desperately blogging their emotions out for years and years.
Not saying its a bad thing, or that its all I do... cause I do put myself out there quite a lot.
I just need someone to reach their hand out back to me, and hold it, rather than chop it off.

"If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep."
-William Stafford

so Nygil had me read this story of his...
i... was floored. it was incredibly written.
and even if it wasn't, I would have been enthralled....

but it reminded me of how lonely I am.





Tony texted me last night.
it always throws me off a bit when he does.
I helped him.
Apparently, I always do.



Dana is here.
Its awesome having her around.
She, Tyler and I went out to dinner tonight at a Taqueria.
We almost went swing dancing, but last night we stayed up to late doing puzzles and playing stupid games, and were all exhausted.



I'm absolutely beat.
Emotionally, I am doing alright, but would be worse if Dana weren't around.
She is waiting for me.
I will write again as soon as possible...

Sometimes what you are looking for is right in front of you, and you just don't even fucking notice.


I don't even know what situation I am talking about right now. I just know I don't feel very good tonight. Probably cause I didn't run today. That was really fucking stupid.
I didn't do my work either.

Alicia tells me I need to give myself a break. But doing that isn't going to get me to Peru.
I'm really fucking glad I don't go to the UW or anything like that. I just literally wouldn't be able to handle myself in those academic circumstances, or social come to think of it.


I bought Eclipse.
I don't think I'm gonna start it just yet. I can only imagine how bad it is going to affect me.


I wanted to avoid saying this, cause I hate sounding needy and pathetic, but hey, that's how I feel right now, so whatthefuckever... I really feel like being held right now. A back massage. A hand on my shoulder. Some kind of sincere human contact. Ever notice how much people avoid touching eachother?


Oh yea, Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize today. I think that creates an interesting situation all things considered. But I'm not sure its as big of a deal as people are making it out to be.
We all talk talk talk, never listen, never learn, and never act.

I guess this reminds me of something Sandy said in class today. Since we all (well, almost all --Sorry Trev) had our first tutoring sessions before class this week, we shared our stories --triumphs, struggles, ect. A lot of us felt like we didn't really contribute much to the session and that it was mostly they tutees that did all the work. Of course there is a complex dynamic between the two parts of that relationship, but it was still unnerving for some of us to watch a session unfold and not really know how we are affecting it.

Anyway, Sandy addressed all our worries at the end of class, and she said something along the lines of:
"Listening IS doing something. So many people nowadays are so used to not being listened to. By listening, and by witnessing the processes of these writers, you are doing something very profound."
We are there at the center because we are genuinely interested in having these conversations with people, and by being there as that kind of support, we are giving people something they might never have otherwise.

Point is... we all need to listen more. Care more. And stop being so quick to judge wrong from right.

Instead of saying "we" have much to learn, I am going to say that I do. There is so much I don't know, and I'm thinking I should be aware, and somewhat accountable for that.

So... basically... I LOVE the Writing Center. I can just tell it is going to be such a pivotal part of my life. I left today practically skipping. Our discussion almost brought some of us to tears. God, I have never seen people so passionate about their work. Its really like a little slice of heaven, of what more of life should be like.

While I was walking back I thought of a quote that Caitlin has had on her myspace for so long. Its from American Beauty. I don't think I ever really appreciated that movie fully until I watched it with Alex Olsen and Dana and Emily on that night we stayed at Alex's dad's house in Seattle (after the chip tune party, or whatever). I mean, I liked the movie when I was younger, but then it got really disturbing to me, and so I started refusing to watch it. Anyway, that's a tangent. The quote is at the beginning or the end... I can't remember which, but it's when Lester says:

"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world."

I will post the rest of the quote later, but this is the part I thought about. I thought: I finally feel that way... except I immediately changed my mind. I don't feel that way. I am still mad... furious. And I think I always will be. What has changed though, is the way I am learning how to deal with it, or better, what to do with it.
And that brings me to a quote I guess I've always found very powerful. "Your anger is a gift." I can't remember who said it originally, but Nygil use to say it a lot. Anyway, I've always understood that quote, but I think maybe (ironically) I was too angry at the quote and how it never told me how to utilize my anger in order to find the gift. Well, its obviously simpler than that. The gift is the meaning that anger brings to your life.

That's why I refuse to say I am not mad. Of course there is so much beauty in the world, and I want to embrace it, and not taint it with my anger. But there's the rub: The beauty wouldn't be so beautiful without the filth, and the filth is what makes me so mad.

For this reason I can't understand (or even rightly stand) a paradigm that wants to ignore reality.

I guess, in so many words, what I am trying to describe is the fact that I can find solace in my discontent, knowing that I will always have something to fight for.

I am deciding against posting the rest of that quote. It's irrelevant now.
I have something else to say though, and luckily my stream of consciousness has led me to a nice transitional point.


So Em sent me a link to this site about terrible crafts and there is the horrible article about Twilight crafts that people have made. So fucking funny. But anyway, someone made these shoes with Jake's face on them, and there's a quote on the other side:
"Until your heart stops beating, I'll be here fighting."
Obviously a spoiler from the third book, but I didn't really give a shit. I asked Ariel and she said it was a quote by Jake from Eclipse, and preceded to tell me I will cry uncontrollably when I read it. (I'm almost in tears just thinking about what might happen). The quote practically slayed me to the point where I am going out to buy Eclipse today if I get my paper done.
I can't stand it anymore.
And here's a disclaimer for you, just so you can't say I didn't warn you...
when I see New Moon in theaters, it is a highly likely possibility that I will be either kicked out, or physically removed and taken to a hospital. I fucking swear, I don't think I will be able to handle it. And I honestly don't give a shit how pathetic that sounds. What can I say? I have a deep emotional connection to the story going on in those books.
And after I see it, I am gonna wanna see it many many times... so if you want to get me a birthday present, just bring me to that movie again. That's all I want.

Anywho...
I have tons of work to do.
Dana is coming tomorrow evening and I'm stoked for that.
But I need to write a paper, read a book, do Spanish homework, catch up on some other stuff for Andean Roots, start another book, start my integration paper, start packing for the retreat.
BAHH!

We watched 3 episodes of Heroes last night. And Tyler and Ariel want more, so I wanna do that too. And I want to maybe see a movie tonight. Alicia is gone this weekend.

Oh, dream last night.
Godzilla, and some like post apocalyptic, pre-apocalyptic world. It kept jumping. I have no fucking clue what was going on. I just lived in this tall apartment building (which eventually turned into the Space Needle) with my family and all the people from school lived there too. Anyway, we all got out of the building and I went back up to grab some stuff. I literally went through all my stuff (and it was stuff I have/had in real life that I don't think I would have consciously remembered while I was awake). I literally went through all of it, and considered my emotional attachment to it, knowing this building was going to be destroyed. I grabbed Timber, and my external hard drive, and some pictures, my journals, my poetry books, stuff that was irreplaceable and particular to me. But I was mad at myself for grabbing so much, and wishing I didn't have a chance so I could just be rid of it all. Eventually, the monster got close (it was a long time coming because we heard him from far away. He was huge. Bigger than any building. Our building got destroyed, and I can't remember if I was in it or not. I just remember hoping and hoping that this was just a dream, and feeling like... nope, for once, this is actually what is happening, so deal with it.
Finally I woke myself up, out of panic.
The strange thing that I have recently been noticing about my dreams... is that there are also like two story lines happening at the same time. Like.. the one I "make" happen, and the one that is "meant" to happen. And they both occur simultaneously. I wish I could explain it better. I SO wish I could portray dreams, and the feeling in them more clearly because some of my dreams could be damn good movies/novels/short stories.
I feel like they would definitely be portrayed the best on film, just because that is how they run in my mind. Apparently that isn't how it is for all people. Alicia was telling me that she usually just dreams in audio and shapes and color. So different.

I still want to figure out why I can remember my dreams better when I'm either in my bed at home, or at school. I hardly remembered any from camp. I'd wake up completely clean. I can't even nap on the field for an hour with having some strange concoction form in my mind.

Oh, and watching Heroes reminds me of some of the dreams I had the first time I watched it.
http://jinxx553.blogspot.com/2008/09/my-power.html
http://jinxx553.blogspot.com/2008/08/dreams-in-past-week.html

wow... dreams have been such an enormous part of my life.
in another post I quoted Heart of Darkness:

"...because no relation of a dream can convey the dream sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams."



Now, to get on that essay.
It will be easy if I tell myself that, and stop fucking complaining.
Easy easy easy.
(To do an essay on Friday afternoon??? ...Hahahahahaha.)
Wish me luck.

(I really like that song right now... a lot a lot)

In seminar the other day, we were discussing the reading about the relation between biodiversity and linguistic diversity.
Someone brought up Ishmael, and the "takers" vs. the "leavers." I just thought that was really neat since my admissions essay to Evergreen was about that book.


Fuck. I should have gone climbing today.
I hope I have time tomorrow. I will... kinda. It just depends how much work I wanna get done between 3 and 6. I wanna get a lot done.
Fuck. Maybe climbing will have to wait til Friday, or Saturday (is it open on Saturday?)
I'd like to play racquetball too.
And Ariel will wanna watch Heroes tomorrow night. I do too...
(she and Tyler had never seen it, and so I had them watch the first episode. She is hooked, but has been patiently waiting for Tyler to get back from his trip to see the next one.)

Fuck...
I can never keep ahead of my work. I feel like I am running to catch up all the time. On sleep, on work, on calories, on relationships, on writing.

At least I haven't lost myself yet. I really don't want to regress.
Honestly and pathetically, all things Twilight keep me happy. And the fact that Ariel is so into it... that helps a lot. Actually... she helps a lot.
I love her. I would consider her one of my best friends already. Its amazing to live right next to her and be with her so much. Granted, it does distract me, but I need it. I literally would probably be falling backwards into my "normal" mental state of despair without her.
Alicia helps too. It helps that I can be here to help her. She seems to be stumbling through a lot of this transition, but at least she is moving, and not stuck. I hope I am encouragement for her to keep moving along.

I miss work. Its only at the beginning of the week, and ever since my first session I have found myself anticipating my next session, and keep re-realizing that it isn't until Monday (or Tuesday if no one comes in...)

I hope Nygil gets a secretary position at the Writing Center. Not only do I think it would be cool to work with him, I also think it would be good for him... to be around people who love writing so much, and to just be around friendly people. Maybe he could even take Cultivating Voice in the Spring. (He's probably reading this and wanting to punch me... and I will gladly take that hit if it means he gets the opportunity.)


Tonight, Ariel came home crying. She had cramps and had taken advil, and was out of it, but she was also missing home, and just a lot of stuff was going on in her head. She wouldnt talk about most of it... but we definately needed some girl time (remember, I wasnt feeling too hot myself). We (strategically) went next door to ask if they had brownie mix (she needed brownies/cake, I needed a fix of my own). I felt better right after that, even though we left with empty hands on the brownie front. But Mark did suggest we check the corner store... so we did. Low and behold, there was fudge brownie mix!! Ahh... the night was getting better for both of us so quickly.
When we... she was making them, I turned on the Moulin Rouge soundtrack and we sang really loud and ate the excess batter. She took a shower, I did some work, I took a shower, she called someone, I ate too much of Em's dessert which was apples in some carmalized sauce. Then the brownies were ready!
The guys next door had mentioned wanting some when we had stopped by, so Ariel went and got them. 5 of them came over (David, Tristan, Nathan, Cameron, Esthenthio) and we all ate brownies and talked.
It was nice.
Ariel and I felt better.
Except... now my run was kinda pointless cause I ate so much shit afterwards. but... then again I guess its really good I ran, cause its better than eating shit after NOT running.

uhg.
I didnt mean to write this much
and I meant to play music while I was writing.

But now it is time for sleep, and I still have like 20 pages to read. :/
LOOOOOOONG Day tomorrow.

Weekend, come faster!!

I just ran for a whole hour non-stop!! BOOYA! i have no clue what the temperature is outside, cause i am burning up. it was freezing when i started though, and now the sun is gone. its pretty cool that my body can produce so much heat and energy by itself.


hmm...
all of a sudden i feel really lonely.
Meh.
I donno if I miss someone in particular, or if its that familiar feeling that no one around me exactly seems to feel the world the way i do... and so i guess, sometime I don't know how to channel some of the emotions I have, when I can't communicate about them to other people (either because no one understands what I mean, or because i can't properly convey what i mean... or something else). I think that is why I am getting so good at running, and why I write so much. but all the writing and running in the world will never be the same as having someone who can share in emotion with you. that's what i think, at least.

i'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe my dream about Zach had a lot to do with me relating so well to some of the things he says.
That's probably a load of shit. But anyway...
Em just made a really good quesadilla dinner, and I had cereal too. I need to read, lots.

Hopefully something fun will happen tonight though. I tried really hard to get lots of work done today...
ok, well, not that hard. After class I briefly read, emailed Liza, met Alicia for lunch.
Then I went out to the field to read. Ben came, and I fell asleep. Ben left, apparently, and I woke up what seemed like hours later, even though it was only maybe an hour and a half. I felt so rested, but really drained. Apparently you arent supposed to fall asleep in the sun. Nygil told me that when he came and sat down with me. We talked a bit, but I had to go print something off to read. That took a while to print, and then I realized it was basically about resource conservation and felt like an ass for printing it off (even though I took extra time to cut around the pages that just had pictures on them so they wouldnt print and waste paper... yea, i still felt bad). I read that for a while in the spot I use to go read last year. I got sick of that, so I went back to my dorm to run. Alicia and I were supposed to go rock climbing... but she never responded about that.

Eventually I got up the energy to run, barely. I was whining to Ariel about it. Finally I motivated myself. I started out super slow on my warmup, ran into Daniel who told me it was 6. After stretching I went out to the street and ran past the mods to the stop sign, and around to the childcare center. I went pretty slow for a while. I extended my course by a tiny bit by running around the parking lot instead of straight. I ran into Martha and had a brief convo with her while I was still jogging. The Organic Farm trail always seems easy (so next time I am going to go around the other way and try to run up it, instead of down). Then once I got down to the Organic Farm I picked up my pace a bit. I jogged on the street and the perpendicular street. Then I ran faster up the hill to the dorms, and around to take a cool down lap, which actually turned into a lap and a half of full out running, and one stretch of really good sprinting... which could have gone longer, but I decided that as soon as The Tempest was over, my run was over. Actually, I was pretty done running halfway through that song, but the end is the coolest part and I just had to sprint during it, no matter what. (Music is incredible). Then I took half a lap cool down slow jog and walk, during which, Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror came on, and I was just in such a damn good mood from it all that I forgot to stretch. ooops. but yea, then I went to claim my hour victory with Ariel who was down at Carolyn's apartment. She told me it was 7. I was stoked.

yeeeaaaaaaaa.
I need to go read. mehhhhhhh. Thursdays suck. Soooo long.
And Friday I am going to try to finish my paper so I don't have to do it on Sunday when Dana is here (meaning I need to finish my seminar reading tomorrow night, and start brainstorming ideas for my paper).

And I need a shower.
And, ideally, a massage.


oh...
i figured out who I miss...

(hint: i got mail from him today)

is kinda killing me.

The bi-weekly (odd weeks) writing center meeting just got moved from Friday to Monday . ahhh!
Meaning when i get out of 5 hours of seminar (including lunch break) I am already going to be late for the meeting, which goes for 2 hours... overlapping with my tutoring time (which sucks... meaning with 3 or four hours of desk duty a week I will probably end up with maybe 3 hours that I can actually tutor. But then again, that is only every other week.
I might change my schedule and just add an hour on Tuesday and take on away on Wednesday. But that would be just one more hour that I have to be somewhere and can't really be doing homework or relaxing.
Basically, every other week I am cramming 20 credits of work into 4 days. And on even weeks, I am still doing it all in 5 days.

I knew I'd be stressed... and I'm not even as stressed as I thought I would be (yet)... but I feel worn down already.



*Yawn*

imagining what I would do if a zombie started to crawl under the stall door. I had a whole plan of action, and I was ready to carry it out if needed. I was also plotting of how to explain to my Writing Center peers about why I had left all my stuff in the bathroom. Ha

When I went to wash my hand, I started thinking what I would do if a zombie came out of one of the other stalls behind me. Just then, I head the door creak open. I literally jump back from the sink and gasp really loud when an older woman walks around the corner.

Needless to say, I apologized.
She was like "did I scare you?"
"Sort of. I was kinda freaking myself out."

I hope I don't have to be like the every time I use a public restroom.


-----
I have work in 15 minutes,
but I just wanna jot some ideas about my dream down before I forget it.
Puppies, Dad, repelling out of houses, Tyler, Matt, Alicia, Becca, Mom, homework.
Sansburns, Sara Hillary, Megan Mabel, Owen Strom, ect.
Running from someone... spiderman villain (what is Peter Parker's best friend's name?)
Evil, what did I do wrong? How do I get away?
Snake (anaconda).
Who saves me?
Who am I really running from?

i just spent a good 30 minutes working on re-memorizing Hamlet's soliloquy.

fuck.
i should be reading.
i have lots of reading.


but i just have work tomorrow
and then Spanish.

Nos vemos, chicos.


(12:17am)

aww damn

yesterday was the full moon.

Ben and I went running tonight at 8:30 so it was dark and we had to stay around campus parking lots and such. the end of the run was the coolest cause it was out on the field and pretty much all by moonlight. i thought tomorrow was full, but i guess it was yesterday.

ouch...
my first call as a secretary at the WC...
this guy was so impatient, but he was asking me for something really obscure. when i couldn't find the information right away he started accusing and getting really rude.
i was like, "sorry sir, its my first day."
i had no clue what he was asking for and had to interrupt a session to ask Andrew about it.

when i finally got the guy the information he wanted (i hope) he was like "reach around and pat yourself on the back."

wtf?
really!?!

I didn't even get a tutoring session today. Total I am here for 4 hours tonight, so for the next two of them I am blocked out as desk person. the first two hours i basically spent watching the other desk people because no walk-ins came. :/
so now i should feel like an expert, but after that i feel like i have no clue what im doing.
HELLO?
I didn't spend a quarter trying to get this internship to work on the desk three-four hours a week.
tomorrow i am blocked out for a workshop with Sandy, so I miss my desk time, but still... some people aren't scheduled for any desk time. There is probably a good reason for that... scheduling conflicts or whatnot. So that's fine.

Ok, so here's the good news.
Tomorrow I open, and my first real appointment ever is for a girl in my Andean Roots class who I met at the Bally-Hoo show last year. And she is really friendly, PLUS I am in the class so I already know whats going on.
I'm kinda nervous because she is coming in for help with applying for a scholarship.
Then I canceled my half hour "block out" tomorrow, which was for reflection (I will just do that on my own time), so that I might have the opportunity to have more than one actual session this week. That'd be awesome.

i love my room.
i love having four walls around me.
it's the solitude it brings.

i hate being stuck inside all day...
"stuck"
i love watching people pass by
i hate watching time pass by
i hate seeing you walk by
-you should stop, and talk-

i hate being alone at night
(but its solitude...)

yea, but nothing I think ever seems to make sense,
and contradictions are really the only truth I've ever found anyway.

i love the sun.
i love the rain.
they hold me tighter than most people dare
-most people let go too soon anyway-
but i can't hold the sun,
or the rain.

i can run.
i love running.
when i'm running, i want to run forever.
i always think "why wouldn't people do this all day, every day?"

i think i run instead of punching people, and walls.
i punch the ground with my feet.
(that's really mean!)
I didn't mean it.
I love the ground.
The ground holds me.
Fuck.
I can't hold the ground.

What do I have to give if I can't return the favors of the earth and the sun and the rain?
I guess they delight in the joy they bring me.
Maybe that's enough.

What is that quote? It was on Heidi's myspace, but I don't think she has one anymore. Maybe her facebook?

ahh yes:
"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play in your hair." - Kahlil Gibran

Its funny. I think about Heidi almost daily, but I rarely talk to her.
Do I always neglect the things I love the most?
fuck.
at least 5 examples immediately pop into my head. (Caitlin, swimming, climbing, Josh, my dogs...i could go on for sure).
why do i do that?
does everyone?
that is interesting to ponder.
i think i was more neglectful last year, though. i'd say im doing better.
i spend more time with Nygil, and i think i pushed him away a bit last year, even though he was such a rock for me.
i totally blew off running most of the year, last year too.
i love the beach, but for some reason i usually refuse to go if someone asks me.

my eyes are tired now.
im fading.
i need to write in my tutor journal.
fuck it.
i need to sleep,
i will write it tomorrow.

Goodnight.
I'm really actually serious this time.
For real.
I won't come back til like tomorrow evening.
Don't beg. Please.
Im out. Okay?
See you tomorrow.
I love you too, blog.

(1:00am)

so much to read for this class. always.

i don't mind, really.
just the time. i want more time.

i say this, and i haven't even experienced my full schedule yet.
tomorrow:
guest lecture on food sovereignty 10-12
lunch 12-1
seminar 1-3
dinner? 3-4
writing center 4-8

then? homework, i guess.
reading. lots. and maybe i will write some of next weeks seminar paper since Dana is gonna be here this weekend.


oh man, I forgot how much I love Heroes.
I love the first season, as if it holds the answers to life.
But really I just relate to it a lot.
I enjoy the plot twists in season two, but it just doesn't have the same substance to it. and season three seemed a but better, but I only got a few episodes in.
Hah, Matt and I spent last summer watching seasons 1&2 together. haha... I think he hated it. Donno though.

I should head to bed, but there is just so much...
there's not really much I need to say, but I just have this creativity building up I think, and haven't given it proper time to expose itself. So maybe if I just sit here and type whatever nonsense comes out my fingers, eventually something else will come out.

Fuck, I ate like 5 cookies today, at least, and a crepe. (and chicken and other real food, but still... it was too much sugar).

When am I going to run tomorrow??
I could get up early.
YEA.
Like I could drag myself out of bed an hour and a half early to run.
Well, I might go to bed now, just so I can try without feeling like I am depriving myself of sleep.
12:30...
to 8:30.
8 hours, and that is exactly an hour and a half before the lecture.
it should be enough time to run, consume something, find clothes to wear, and get up to the lecture hall.

Goodnight.

I will leave you with my favorite lyric from Play Radio Play!
"Is this it?
Or could we still compliment eachother like colors in harmony
that make eachother look brighter, like we did in the old days?"

Fucking good song.
Love that band. Even though I've only heard 4 of his songs, I've read all his lyrics.
Now I just want to rave about it... but I will spare you. Just go see for yourself, if you want.

Goodnight.
Really.

finishing papers.

I know what I want to say
and I want to say it
and I know how... kinda.


I just don't want to be writing the same paper, with the same point, over and over and over this year, like last year. (It wasn't always the same... but it was usually pretty close).

I wanna go lay on the field and do my work.
I might.



But the paper isn't what is stressing me.
I am just... kinda thrown off by some things today.

The best part of today so far...
He waved at me,
and I flipped him off.

oh... and then... yea, some other attention. ^_^

The worst thing, right now...
I have no clue what you mean by all that stuff on your site,
and why never talk to me anymore?
(You probably don't even read this shit anymore either).




The sun understands me, I think.
If nothing else, it will hold me for a while.

Straight up.


But I'm doing this for me.




I wonder if he resents her, the same way I resented them...



(I don't even know what that means, but it made sense a second ago.)

Guess what I did this morning!

FINALLY fucking finished reading the first chapter of Eclipse.
So... If I finish my work, I might go buy the book. It's being sold in paperback now, so that might be a sign that it is time to start reading.
About 40 days until New Moon,
and I already feel like the guy from 40 Days and 40 Nights... no new twilight things to do until then. hah. that was a joke.
I've never even seen that movie... but Alicia was telling me about it last night while we were walking around campus spying on people who leave their blinds open...


I have to write a paper today. Short, but I just hate starting the first paper. I hate starting papers.
Ohmygod tomorrow is going to be busy.
Im tired.
I want to run, or climb, or something.

Im sick of...
something.
I just want...
...
something.

I want to be able to express myself completely.
And not just in writing.

I wish I could just spew my emotions everywhere. Haaaah.


Ahhhh.


I don't feel right today,
or wrong.
I feel blah, 100%.

I think I need to make something.
One essay, coming right up.

Fuuuuuuck.

the nights close in on me slowly.
or maybe its just the lights,
that keep me from sleep.
but then the sun pulls me out to play on the pavement with my feet.
the crisp air can't fight a rising heat, from inside out
--a creation of my brain,
and it drives me,
as I fly across...

i go this way.
i won't try to turn back time,
only keep up.

i usually sink
quicker than i think.
so this time,
i will try to keep up.

that "if" is bullshit.

I am rich.
(And not with cash... I'm so in debt to people.)

The great thing though, is that I really am energized.
Remember all those times when I was so mentally and emotionally overwhelmed that I thought I might break?

I kinda feel that way now,
except with energy, with joy, with excitement for my life right now.

FUCKK where do I begin? There is so much emotion exuding me right now that I am thinking too much for my brain to handle, and I am typing too fast for my mind to keep up.

I literally had to sit down where I was on the walk home from the library today because I absolutely had to write my thoughts down. I delayed it until the field, and though my apartment was only 30 seconds away, i had really developed this thought and I really didn't want to lose it (can you really lose a thought?)
I sat down and started scribbling it out.

It was an addition to my "how i write" paper from last year. after the staff meeting today at the writing center, i just felt amazing. being a part of that place is... one of the best things i have done with my life. its sort of the same feeling i get about camp.
that was arguably the best thing i ever did, was go work at Killoqua. i was a part of something. I was making a difference. people looked up to me. people were there to help me. i had fun. i recaptured more of my youth, and it is now more accessible to me.
just all these things; meeting people, learning skills, leading, working hard, having bad days but always having people to encourage me.
gah, i could go on forever.

anyway, i really feel like that is what the writing center is going to be for me at Evergreen. The people... are just incredible. So dedicated. And so alive.
Ready and willing to put themselves out there to make this college a better place, to make writing more accessible, to encourage, to laugh, to have fun and do work at the same time. I wouldnt even call it work.
Fuck, I am in the business of playing games and making connections and writing and talking and running and laughing and learning. seriously... its not work.
I havent started tutoring yet. that's next week. but Sandy invited me to work with this program called Growing Up. Its a writing class focused on play-writing. The assignment is to write a 1 act play surrounding family dynamics. ADORE!
I have always wanted to study play-writing. Now I get to make that connection.

There is this girl in the writing center. Her name is Jhaleh. She reminds me alot of Dana, the way she speaks, looks, acts. And she's just so humble yet sure of herself. She gives off this vibe of complete sincerity and kindness.
It is things like this, besides the actual practice of tutoring, that bring me excitment about my involvement in the center.

And then there is all the other knowledge I am going to gain this year that will make me even richer in experience.
I am learning spanish
and we are reading so much about linguistics and biodiversity and on and on and on.
and then all this might culminate into a trip to Peru?!?!

its almost... too much to handle.

Wow... i have soo much to say.
But I need to go DO.

xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people come alive."