thoughts like a train

http://crios.info/2007/08/31/kinemortophobia/

It actually brought tears to my eyes to know that other people struggle with this. I've been doing a lot better lately, but was thinking at camp that I must be ridiculous for having a crippling fear of something that I've never seen with my own eyes --something that, in all likelihood, nobody else has either. I've thought and talked and wrote about it a lot, and have explored many different aspects of my life that the fear could represent (especially as it manifests in my dreams), but sometimes it feels so literal, like when I am woken up in West Virginia during a lightning storm and have to walk from the cabin to the bathroom to pee and all I can think about is how I am going to deal with a zombie encounter. How will I avoid getting bitten? How will I avoid death? I mean, in the moment like that, metaphorical explanations don't even make sense. Its a literal fear. Obviously there are societal parallels which explain why I wouldn't want to be "bitten" and become a "zombie," but its simpler...er, more straightforward than that at the same time. I guess in those scenarios its like I actually believe they are physically around me somewhere and that I am going to encounter them and that I am going to have to run.

Anyway... It makes me feel less idiotic reading that so many other people have the same modes of thought and the same sort of consciousness about it.


How did I get to thinking about that tonight?
Well, watching Design E^2 reminded me of Matt cause it is his copy of the movie. Then I went to send him a message asking how he's been doing. After I did that I was thinking about what Tyler said the other day when we were fighting. I asked him when I ever completely dropped anyone from my life? He said "when was the last time you talked to Matt?" Ouch. So I was thinking about that and wondering why we stopped talking (aside from busy schedules, heartbreak, and general discomfort). Thanks to facebook I could easily look at our entire message history, which reminded me of how close he and I were for so long. And now, not at all? Its just weird. That sort of break really hasn't happened permanently between me and anyone else that has been such a big part of my life. I guess it just got tainted by certain things that I didn't want to deal with. But its really bugging me now because...he pretty much saved my life. Mmm, more thinking on this later.
Anyway, so I was reading through our message history and I came across a time when I referenced my blog. Reading that got me curious about that period of my life so I went back to read some and came across this post with the title: Kinemortophobia. All the post said was "the name of the fear" and I remembered that I had never actually researched what other people said about it. So here I am.

Right after the zombie post there was a long one --an angry reflective one. There is something about Rachels...3 people who have DEEPLY touched my life without me even really knowing them have been Rachels. Rachel means "one with purity."

Some of the other posts were super intense to look at. I mean, the 6 months leading up to high school graduation it was like I was peaking over a precipice, loaded with anticipation, trying to enjoy the view from where I was (still climbing though) and really just wanting to get the damn rappel over with. Matt was my rope so even if I jumped off, gave up, I'd be okay. The couple months leading up to college... man, some of that stuff blows me away. I can't believe I was the one who wrote those things, or thought them at all. My 18 year old self is firing me up, and humbling me too.

oh shit. its 1. need to sleep. need to eat

look at this... a whole entire new blog post!

Got to see Vienna today. Dana tomorrow. Wonderful people who inspire me! Caitlin soon, Madelyn again soon. So many beautiful people!

MRI results tomorrow too :/
And Cameron :)

want

to read all of these! just watched part of the documentary today... geeking out so hard right now now on design/build.

http://basic.redclaycms.com/Resources/Books_and_Media.htm

0.0

my friends are having babies...

weirrrd