"i'm so sick, infected with where i live. let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness. i'm so sick."
and the entire album through:
"i'm praying that we will see something there, in between then and there, that exceeds all we can dream."
and then he calls.
drunk.
my fuckin favorite
thing to happen
in the middle
of a mental breakdown.
drunk.
my fuckin favorite
thing to happen
in the middle
of a mental breakdown.
but i guess it doesn't matter.
not tonight.
(thanks tyler)
not tonight.
(thanks tyler)
you treat me like the most beautiful, most special thing in the whole world.
why is that not enough for me?
this is sad.
i feel sad,
because...
...it takes running naked across the Safeway strip mall to make me feel alive.
...i'm gonna be so lonely this summer.
...i'm gonna be so lonely at school next year.
...you feel you have to lie to me about these things.
...i feel everything, and it always leaves me feeling numb.
...i loved you so much, and i didn't help anything, i only made it worse.
...life is so boring compared to fiction.
...i hate this meaninglessness, and yet I seem to be looking for more of it.
...i really don't want you to die like this, i'm gonna miss you so much.
...i don't ever want to be away from you, but whenever i'm with you, i push you away.
...i can't escape this place, or these people, especially him.
...people like that exist.
...i wonder if i have gotten anywhere, and where exactly i am trying to get to anyway.
why is that not enough for me?
this is sad.
i feel sad,
because...
...it takes running naked across the Safeway strip mall to make me feel alive.
...i'm gonna be so lonely this summer.
...i'm gonna be so lonely at school next year.
...you feel you have to lie to me about these things.
...i feel everything, and it always leaves me feeling numb.
...i loved you so much, and i didn't help anything, i only made it worse.
...life is so boring compared to fiction.
...i hate this meaninglessness, and yet I seem to be looking for more of it.
...i really don't want you to die like this, i'm gonna miss you so much.
...i don't ever want to be away from you, but whenever i'm with you, i push you away.
...i can't escape this place, or these people, especially him.
...people like that exist.
...i wonder if i have gotten anywhere, and where exactly i am trying to get to anyway.
loyalty
honesty
love
i don't know what anything means anymore.
i feel sick to my stomach.
honesty
love
i don't know what anything means anymore.
i feel sick to my stomach.
sometimes you are so wise
and sometimes you are foolish beyond my comprehension.
something I have learned this week:
Love is not strong enough.
Loving someone is not enough.
Even if you pour your heart and soul into someone's well-being, you can never protect them... you can never save them, especially from themselves.
Love is not enough.
Love is enough.
Yours is enough to keep me alive.
My love for nature and the precious moments of beauty are enough to keep me from making the jump, as exhilarating is it may have been to leap off that bridge and fall so slowly I would fly... and then I would die.
Love for my family is enough that despite the treachery of this world and its people, I need no one else but them to be okay, and have a will to stay alive.
But...
I will be honest. There was a moment of consideration. It was enough to get me to my feet and stare at the structure loom taller and taller as I walked toward.
The consideration was this:
Maybe I was right all along that I am meant to die for the ones I love. And maybe this would be the only way they might see.
The counter-argument is this:
Find the beauty in the filth.
I can be the beauty. And if I am, then I cannot die, else all hope be lost that love and beauty can overcome.
The problem:
I am probably not that significant.
I only say these things to give my life meaning when I feel I have none, and no one.
My life is as meaningless, or only as meaningful, as the rest.
I stay alive for me, because I long to see the beauty as much as I can before my time.
The kicker is this:
I suffer.
And I always will.
That is another thing I learned this week, I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure.
Unsure,
always.
You probably all are too.
Well, some.
Some of you have faith.
And some of you have escape.
But me...
again, not to say that I am special, but I am different.
Everyone who has ever known me well has always told me that,
and I always somehow knew it,
but only now am I starting to truly believe it.
Your words,
your actions,
the ways of this world
turn my mind to jolted-illogical-electrical static that makes my head spin.
sometimes you are wise...
sometimes I despise everything about you.
sometimes I can't wrap my head around reality.
sometimes fantastical worlds with vampire lovers, and werewolf friends would just somehow make more sense.
but always,
ALWAYS
I will be...
I will meet others
I will not do...
I will find more truth
I will love...
and maybe I will waste my time
and maybe I will waste away
and maybe someday I will find that love can be enough,
that my love can be enough
for someone else
that I can be enough
for myself.
I feel so useless.
and sometimes you are foolish beyond my comprehension.
something I have learned this week:
Love is not strong enough.
Loving someone is not enough.
Even if you pour your heart and soul into someone's well-being, you can never protect them... you can never save them, especially from themselves.
Love is not enough.
Love is enough.
Yours is enough to keep me alive.
My love for nature and the precious moments of beauty are enough to keep me from making the jump, as exhilarating is it may have been to leap off that bridge and fall so slowly I would fly... and then I would die.
Love for my family is enough that despite the treachery of this world and its people, I need no one else but them to be okay, and have a will to stay alive.
But...
I will be honest. There was a moment of consideration. It was enough to get me to my feet and stare at the structure loom taller and taller as I walked toward.
The consideration was this:
Maybe I was right all along that I am meant to die for the ones I love. And maybe this would be the only way they might see.
The counter-argument is this:
Find the beauty in the filth.
I can be the beauty. And if I am, then I cannot die, else all hope be lost that love and beauty can overcome.
The problem:
I am probably not that significant.
I only say these things to give my life meaning when I feel I have none, and no one.
My life is as meaningless, or only as meaningful, as the rest.
I stay alive for me, because I long to see the beauty as much as I can before my time.
The kicker is this:
I suffer.
And I always will.
That is another thing I learned this week, I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure.
Unsure,
always.
You probably all are too.
Well, some.
Some of you have faith.
And some of you have escape.
But me...
again, not to say that I am special, but I am different.
Everyone who has ever known me well has always told me that,
and I always somehow knew it,
but only now am I starting to truly believe it.
Your words,
your actions,
the ways of this world
turn my mind to jolted-illogical-electrical static that makes my head spin.
sometimes you are wise...
sometimes I despise everything about you.
sometimes I can't wrap my head around reality.
sometimes fantastical worlds with vampire lovers, and werewolf friends would just somehow make more sense.
but always,
ALWAYS
I will be...
I will meet others
I will not do...
I will find more truth
I will love...
and maybe I will waste my time
and maybe I will waste away
and maybe someday I will find that love can be enough,
that my love can be enough
for someone else
that I can be enough
for myself.
I feel so useless.
"you made up your mind to leave it all behind, but now you're forced to fight it out. you fall away from your past, but its following you."
"there's really no way to reach me, cause I'm already gone..."
i'm too lazy to write anymore...
"there's really no way to reach me, cause I'm already gone..."
i'm too lazy to write anymore...
Tyler Allen says:
That is a great entry. If I had to pick something to describe you I would pick water.
*alex* says:
interesting.
*alex* says:
nygil picked air
Tyler Allen says:
air is affected by everything but it doesn't matter for the air. if something gets it its way it goes around or blows some where else. Water is also afected by everything but it can't just blow away. When it's cold ot it freezes, when it's sunny it warms. But through all of this it is moving and changing, affecting everything around it.
That is a great entry. If I had to pick something to describe you I would pick water.
*alex* says:
interesting.
*alex* says:
nygil picked air
Tyler Allen says:
air is affected by everything but it doesn't matter for the air. if something gets it its way it goes around or blows some where else. Water is also afected by everything but it can't just blow away. When it's cold ot it freezes, when it's sunny it warms. But through all of this it is moving and changing, affecting everything around it.
*sigh*
...but...
it is better now.
i think what hurts the most (was being so close! ...no, just kidding ^_^)
is the nostalgia.
i mean, like i said before: maybe remembering is my "problem".
well... yea! it fucking hurts to think about times that don't exist anymore, or people who have changed so extraordinarily much that you can hardly recognize them as the same person you once knew.
("love is watching someone die" -DCFC)
but... the fact that they once existed... that means something.
"I'm staring at what once was the wall" -The Fray
(i know the song is talking about something else, but this is what it means to me.)
maybe something once was my wall, protecting me from the world.
maybe I'm looking at it now, and i realize that those walls are broken and they will never protect me again...
(or... maybe the fragments can still shield me from certain pain at certain times: "As you handed me those sunglasses and motioned for me to put them over my tear-stricken eyes, I recognized that look across your face of purity and kindness. I hesitated to put them on, but realized that this was your intention-- to hide me from the world and keep me and my pain to yourself when you would pass no judgment and where no one else could say a word. And i felt safe, once again, by your hand" -Journal 3, 9/26/07)
...i remember that,
and it doesn't hurt.
and you suddenly realize that things have changed so much that there is a rift... something you can see across, but you can't quite get across. you can change, and things can keep changing,
but...
some things will always change,
some things will never change,
there are no guarantees.
only opportunities.
"possibility is what makes life go on" -Alicia
("maybe in 5 or 10 yours and mine will meet again, straighten this whole thing out" -The Fray)
i won't know.
i can't know right now.
but i can remember.
and i can feel -good or bad- whatever emotion those memories evoke.
("the gift of memory's an awful curse. with age it just gets much worse. but i won't mind..." -DCFC)
wow... I'm tired.
I'm confused.
I'm lonely.
I'm anxious.
I'm ready for my trip. Right now.
Right.
now.
I want to be isolated,
so I can think,
so I can be.
At least I am going to camp soon. I need to be away. To meet new people. To be a leader. To make a difference. To grow. To change.
Yea, to get the fuck outta here,
figure out what I want.
*sigh* I feel like my summer freedom is coming to an end shortly, but I know I couldn't survive here much longer anyway.
Now I'm rambling.
I think I got to the point.
I feel alright. Drifty. Alone.
But... I think I'm okay with it ...Even if it is a bit uncomfortable.
...but...
it is better now.
i think what hurts the most (was being so close! ...no, just kidding ^_^)
is the nostalgia.
i mean, like i said before: maybe remembering is my "problem".
well... yea! it fucking hurts to think about times that don't exist anymore, or people who have changed so extraordinarily much that you can hardly recognize them as the same person you once knew.
("love is watching someone die" -DCFC)
but... the fact that they once existed... that means something.
"I'm staring at what once was the wall" -The Fray
(i know the song is talking about something else, but this is what it means to me.)
maybe something once was my wall, protecting me from the world.
maybe I'm looking at it now, and i realize that those walls are broken and they will never protect me again...
(or... maybe the fragments can still shield me from certain pain at certain times: "As you handed me those sunglasses and motioned for me to put them over my tear-stricken eyes, I recognized that look across your face of purity and kindness. I hesitated to put them on, but realized that this was your intention-- to hide me from the world and keep me and my pain to yourself when you would pass no judgment and where no one else could say a word. And i felt safe, once again, by your hand" -Journal 3, 9/26/07)
...i remember that,
and it doesn't hurt.
and you suddenly realize that things have changed so much that there is a rift... something you can see across, but you can't quite get across. you can change, and things can keep changing,
but...
some things will always change,
some things will never change,
there are no guarantees.
only opportunities.
"possibility is what makes life go on" -Alicia
("maybe in 5 or 10 yours and mine will meet again, straighten this whole thing out" -The Fray)
i won't know.
i can't know right now.
but i can remember.
and i can feel -good or bad- whatever emotion those memories evoke.
("the gift of memory's an awful curse. with age it just gets much worse. but i won't mind..." -DCFC)
wow... I'm tired.
I'm confused.
I'm lonely.
I'm anxious.
I'm ready for my trip. Right now.
Right.
now.
I want to be isolated,
so I can think,
so I can be.
At least I am going to camp soon. I need to be away. To meet new people. To be a leader. To make a difference. To grow. To change.
Yea, to get the fuck outta here,
figure out what I want.
*sigh* I feel like my summer freedom is coming to an end shortly, but I know I couldn't survive here much longer anyway.
Now I'm rambling.
I think I got to the point.
I feel alright. Drifty. Alone.
But... I think I'm okay with it ...Even if it is a bit uncomfortable.
here is a sample of pictures from this week.
the Ballyhoo, NBE park, Bellevue Square, my room, Si View,
Green La
ke
, and celebrations for Mt Si graduates
the Ballyhoo, NBE park, Bellevue Square, my room, Si View,
Green La
ke
, and celebrations for Mt Si graduates
laying awake, under a green light.
under a blue light,
under the moon light,
under the star light.
do you remember?
all I want is to lay awake with someone,
talk,
listen to the frogs,
cry,
take blurred pictures with the colored lights.
I want freedom,
(or do)
under a blue light,
under the moon light,
under the star light.
do you remember?
all I want is to lay awake with someone,
talk,
listen to the frogs,
cry,
take blurred pictures with the colored lights.
I want freedom,
(or do)
I want love.
(?)
oh, isn't there a balance?
i won't lie,
i feel so desperate.
hopeless
somehow.
ah, do you remember?
this pain, or that?
does it really matter which?
maybe remembering is my problem.
i feel so desperate.
hopeless
somehow.
ah, do you remember?
this pain, or that?
does it really matter which?
maybe remembering is my problem.
these last few days have been overwhelming in so many ways.
*sigh*
*sigh*
I read too much into everything.
But...
fire seems to be a theme lately.
But...
fire seems to be a theme lately.
i heard that saying twice in the same day last week. it was when i missed the bus, "missed" the train , and my mom decided to take me back to Evergreen. She said it at one of the stations. and then when we were in Olympia at Staples, a guy in line in front of us said it again.
and the other day, I know i said "don't make plans" but i thought i was losing everything... i donno why, but i really felt that way that day, and i was ready to leave anything that was left behind. BUT, i'm not leaving yet. Not until next Spring.
anyway...
here are my plans
*knock on wood*
i just got $35 from Evergreen paying me for the note-taker thing... uhh yea. not a lot, but i can dig it. i fuckin got paid to take notes i would have taken anyway. haha.
I have maybe $400 or 500 saved up from working last summer, ect.
This summer I am making about $1,500 at resident camp
... and hopefully $600 at Becca's day camp.
Alright... so that is enough to cover the class cost of my trip to Peru (plus some of airfare)
Mom and dad want to help... but I kinda wanna do this myself (especially if I want to have extra to pay for the time after the official trip ends).
So... hopefully Stuart will finally pay me the $300 for the drum set
If I get the internship and then the tutoring position (which would be RAD... can't wait to find out!) then I donno what that pay is, but I don't care... I'd be getting paid to do something I'd do for free (wow, im good). Anyway, it is some money, and it'll help. (Winter quarter.)
Fall quarter I doubt I can take 18 or 20 credits (a 20 credit workload either way), AND have a job, AND have a social life, AND sleep.
lame.
But... I think I can pull the trip off.
Another way i might save money is living off campus. Martha suggested that she would provide a room in exchange for pet care. damn! im good with that. maybe, eventually, i will take that up (like when i am in better shape, and can easily bike between campus and her house).
alright.
this song won't leave my head:
"every new beginning is some other beginning's end"
well fuck. i wouldnt exactly call today a beginning or an ending, but it sure was something.
(and would it be wrong of me to say, Matt, that I love you even more than ever now?)
*sigh*
long couple of days. physically (ran a good 30 minutes straight the other day, and rode my bike pretty fast into NB yesterday, then spent like 3 or 4 hours on the bus), and emotionally.
time to pass out.
uhh... after i find, catch, and release (outside) this spider friend that just dangled down beside me, and crawled away to hide. :/
and the other day, I know i said "don't make plans" but i thought i was losing everything... i donno why, but i really felt that way that day, and i was ready to leave anything that was left behind. BUT, i'm not leaving yet. Not until next Spring.
anyway...
here are my plans
*knock on wood*
i just got $35 from Evergreen paying me for the note-taker thing... uhh yea. not a lot, but i can dig it. i fuckin got paid to take notes i would have taken anyway. haha.
I have maybe $400 or 500 saved up from working last summer, ect.
This summer I am making about $1,500 at resident camp
... and hopefully $600 at Becca's day camp.
Alright... so that is enough to cover the class cost of my trip to Peru (plus some of airfare)
Mom and dad want to help... but I kinda wanna do this myself (especially if I want to have extra to pay for the time after the official trip ends).
So... hopefully Stuart will finally pay me the $300 for the drum set
If I get the internship and then the tutoring position (which would be RAD... can't wait to find out!) then I donno what that pay is, but I don't care... I'd be getting paid to do something I'd do for free (wow, im good). Anyway, it is some money, and it'll help. (Winter quarter.)
Fall quarter I doubt I can take 18 or 20 credits (a 20 credit workload either way), AND have a job, AND have a social life, AND sleep.
lame.
But... I think I can pull the trip off.
Another way i might save money is living off campus. Martha suggested that she would provide a room in exchange for pet care. damn! im good with that. maybe, eventually, i will take that up (like when i am in better shape, and can easily bike between campus and her house).
alright.
this song won't leave my head:
"every new beginning is some other beginning's end"
well fuck. i wouldnt exactly call today a beginning or an ending, but it sure was something.
(and would it be wrong of me to say, Matt, that I love you even more than ever now?)
*sigh*
long couple of days. physically (ran a good 30 minutes straight the other day, and rode my bike pretty fast into NB yesterday, then spent like 3 or 4 hours on the bus), and emotionally.
time to pass out.
uhh... after i find, catch, and release (outside) this spider friend that just dangled down beside me, and crawled away to hide. :/
Honestly,
this sucks.
(1:35 am)
this sucks.
(1:35 am)
being aware of your hypocrisy doesn't make you less of a hypocrite.
right?
right?
don't make plans,
just. go.
just. go.
Paramore, M83, Trash80, Justice, MSTRKRFT, Rent soundtrack, Across the Universe soundtrack, Silversun Pickups, Heart, John Williams (Star Wars soundtrack), Enchanted soundtrack
I have just been in a downloading/listening/singing frenzy.
<3
(2:23am)
I have just been in a downloading/listening/singing frenzy.
<3
(2:23am)
it was unexpected.
and it hurt.
and the future might hurt.
and the hole inside me might hurt.
"[...] and yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain --aching loss that radiated from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and my head-- but it was manageable. I could live through it. I didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it."
and it hurt.
and the future might hurt.
and the hole inside me might hurt.
"[...] and yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain --aching loss that radiated from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and my head-- but it was manageable. I could live through it. I didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it."
This is stupid.
Stupid timing.
Stupid of me to hurt.
Stupid to reference stupid stories.
Stupid that this stupid pain can still exist, and be evoked so meaninglessly.
I'm beating myself now for something I couldn't change,
something I could never change
and something that even if I did change, never would have happened differently.
I don't even know what part of this I am referencing anymore.
Or if I believe anything I said, or anything that happened, or anything that might happen.
I thought I escaped this.
Why is it following me?
It doesn't hurt as much as it once did. I don't think (well I hope) that it never will again.
But life sure is driving me somewhere... it is keeping me at Evergreen next year for a reason, and I can't help but wonder if that is where it is leading...
Can you blame me? to wonder... to hope even.
It hurts to hope.
It hurts to think of either way that this could end up (or another way that I can't even anticipate right now.)
It hurts to know that I can't escape
and its scary that part of me doesn't even want to.
Stupid timing.
Stupid of me to hurt.
Stupid to reference stupid stories.
Stupid that this stupid pain can still exist, and be evoked so meaninglessly.
I'm beating myself now for something I couldn't change,
something I could never change
and something that even if I did change, never would have happened differently.
I don't even know what part of this I am referencing anymore.
Or if I believe anything I said, or anything that happened, or anything that might happen.
I thought I escaped this.
Why is it following me?
It doesn't hurt as much as it once did. I don't think (well I hope) that it never will again.
But life sure is driving me somewhere... it is keeping me at Evergreen next year for a reason, and I can't help but wonder if that is where it is leading...
Can you blame me? to wonder... to hope even.
It hurts to hope.
It hurts to think of either way that this could end up (or another way that I can't even anticipate right now.)
It hurts to know that I can't escape
and its scary that part of me doesn't even want to.
oh my god...
What in the fuck just happened.......?
I forgot how much that hurt.
"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time." -New Moon.
What in the fuck just happened.......?
I forgot how much that hurt.
"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time." -New Moon.
So just got back from chillin with Ben Gore and Randy. We went to a neat show with Ben's friends Cooper and Kelsey. Kelsey and I are in the same program next year, so it is neat that I am gonna know someone. She's super nice.
I took pictures at the show. It was outside of a bar and there was only one light, so I had my ISO cranked up, and it was still pretty hard to get a still shot. But I think I actually got some good ones, and one of the band members of Strings'n'Things asked me to send him some of them. That's pretty cool. :P The other band was called Malicious Discharge. haha. Both played really interesting, somewhat amazing music.
Lots of people talked to me, cause I had a camera, and thought it was for an article or something. And, the bartender was really nice. He thought I was funny cause I kept asking for more and more water. Haha... I had to keep hydrated and keep my throat from getting too sore from all the cigarette smoke.
Hmm.. Ben and Randy and the bands and everyone messed around and had this like... hugh. musical. orgy. (hah, thats how they described it).
Oh, and tonight, I really do have the apartment to myself. Everyone went to the rave. Its like in the woods and its a camping thing.
I'm really glad I didnt go, cause I had fun doing what I did... but I am pretty curious about whats going on.
Earlier I went with Tyler and Daniel to Red Robin. We were about to go see Up, but I got a phone call from Ben, and decided to join him on his adventures with Randy, who randomly decided to drive down to Oly tonight.
Yea.. the rest of the day was really... blah. I woke up. Wrote my eval for PacNW, went to my eval conference, which was... ha... slightly amazing, slightly pathetic.
It basically consisted of Liza telling me how great she thinks i am, at writing, thinking, photography. They would all be fantastic compliments, but... I don't think she has very high standards. And she acknowledged that I was like way beyond the work we were doing in that class.. so I am glad she at least saw that. She also really encouraged me to pursue photography, and when we were walking to Registration to figure something out, we ran into a main guy from the photo lab, so she introduced me, which was neat.
Yea... so then I went and ate. And Tyler met me to eat but I was done, so we went to drop my paper off at Anne and Lin's office so they could see how much I butchered the information on Asarco that they have spent years trying to gather. :/ Hope they like some of it though cause I'd like to work with them in the future.
A few things to remember to do in the fall:
-present drum to Longhouse at reopening, with Liza.
-go with Anne and Lin's class to tour old Asarco site.
-check out what's going on with Growing Places.
Man, fall is gonna be busy, whether or not I get that internship (*crosses fingers*).
If I do... that will be either 18 or 20 credits, depending on what I wanna pay for.
And Alicia will be here which will be fantastic. I will wanna catch up with friends (...friends. XD I actually have friends here now!!)
I think I should get a job, something part time, until the internship turns into a job (assuming that is how it goes. *crosses other fingers*)
I'm gonna wanna keep in shape... so running will definately be part of my schedule.
SPEAKING OF RUNNING:
I went on an amazing run today. Like... I think one of the best ever!!
Seriously... I had a good pace the whole way. I lengthened the course. And at the end, I was still able to finish by sprinting like I always do... but longer! When I ended up back at the dorms I could have kept going, but I was kinda trying to catch dinner at the greenery (which I missed... hence Red Robin). But yea. I was dripping sweat, and heaving.
...this is the beauty of anger/frusteration/anxiety. those things that motivated the intesity of the run, and thinking about how it felt just makes me feel great!
Not that I feel great right now...
But I do feel.
and that is a start.
so yea. I worked on evals more, packed a bit, and watched half of twilight before my run.
hmm. i need to finish writing my evals before i leave tomorrow.
i need to pack.
i need to clean the fuckin apartment.
im gonna go work on those things now. :)
I took pictures at the show. It was outside of a bar and there was only one light, so I had my ISO cranked up, and it was still pretty hard to get a still shot. But I think I actually got some good ones, and one of the band members of Strings'n'Things asked me to send him some of them. That's pretty cool. :P The other band was called Malicious Discharge. haha. Both played really interesting, somewhat amazing music.
Lots of people talked to me, cause I had a camera, and thought it was for an article or something. And, the bartender was really nice. He thought I was funny cause I kept asking for more and more water. Haha... I had to keep hydrated and keep my throat from getting too sore from all the cigarette smoke.
Hmm.. Ben and Randy and the bands and everyone messed around and had this like... hugh. musical. orgy. (hah, thats how they described it).
Oh, and tonight, I really do have the apartment to myself. Everyone went to the rave. Its like in the woods and its a camping thing.
I'm really glad I didnt go, cause I had fun doing what I did... but I am pretty curious about whats going on.
Earlier I went with Tyler and Daniel to Red Robin. We were about to go see Up, but I got a phone call from Ben, and decided to join him on his adventures with Randy, who randomly decided to drive down to Oly tonight.
Yea.. the rest of the day was really... blah. I woke up. Wrote my eval for PacNW, went to my eval conference, which was... ha... slightly amazing, slightly pathetic.
It basically consisted of Liza telling me how great she thinks i am, at writing, thinking, photography. They would all be fantastic compliments, but... I don't think she has very high standards. And she acknowledged that I was like way beyond the work we were doing in that class.. so I am glad she at least saw that. She also really encouraged me to pursue photography, and when we were walking to Registration to figure something out, we ran into a main guy from the photo lab, so she introduced me, which was neat.
Yea... so then I went and ate. And Tyler met me to eat but I was done, so we went to drop my paper off at Anne and Lin's office so they could see how much I butchered the information on Asarco that they have spent years trying to gather. :/ Hope they like some of it though cause I'd like to work with them in the future.
A few things to remember to do in the fall:
-present drum to Longhouse at reopening, with Liza.
-go with Anne and Lin's class to tour old Asarco site.
-check out what's going on with Growing Places.
Man, fall is gonna be busy, whether or not I get that internship (*crosses fingers*).
If I do... that will be either 18 or 20 credits, depending on what I wanna pay for.
And Alicia will be here which will be fantastic. I will wanna catch up with friends (...friends. XD I actually have friends here now!!)
I think I should get a job, something part time, until the internship turns into a job (assuming that is how it goes. *crosses other fingers*)
I'm gonna wanna keep in shape... so running will definately be part of my schedule.
SPEAKING OF RUNNING:
I went on an amazing run today. Like... I think one of the best ever!!
Seriously... I had a good pace the whole way. I lengthened the course. And at the end, I was still able to finish by sprinting like I always do... but longer! When I ended up back at the dorms I could have kept going, but I was kinda trying to catch dinner at the greenery (which I missed... hence Red Robin). But yea. I was dripping sweat, and heaving.
...this is the beauty of anger/frusteration/anxiety. those things that motivated the intesity of the run, and thinking about how it felt just makes me feel great!
Not that I feel great right now...
But I do feel.
and that is a start.
so yea. I worked on evals more, packed a bit, and watched half of twilight before my run.
hmm. i need to finish writing my evals before i leave tomorrow.
i need to pack.
i need to clean the fuckin apartment.
im gonna go work on those things now. :)
Tierney is here, and I think Mary might be coming back.
Now the place wont be empty at least.
Now the place wont be empty at least.
I literally have the whole apartment to myself tonight. Courtney is never here. Allie moved out already. Ariana just left to go see Doober. And I think Mary and Jordan are up in Mukilteo.
All to myself for the night. This is the first time ever.
And... Ariana gave me "Into the Wild" the book. And I also have her copy of the movie. Both are tempting, but some part of me thinks I shouldn't do that to myself.
I still need to write my eval, but when I'm done with that?
I could go back to the BBQ at Erik and Rachel's.
I could watch Twilight Zone with Nygil.
I could hang out with Tyler, track Annie down, go to Rob's.
I could watch a movie and eat the ice cream Nygil bought for me last night.
I could vacuum (start cleaning my portion of the apartment before I leave).
I wish Ariana had stayed. I'd have liked to spend more time with a female for once, and she and I had been having a blast all day.
I might just go to sleep.
All to myself for the night. This is the first time ever.
And... Ariana gave me "Into the Wild" the book. And I also have her copy of the movie. Both are tempting, but some part of me thinks I shouldn't do that to myself.
I still need to write my eval, but when I'm done with that?
I could go back to the BBQ at Erik and Rachel's.
I could watch Twilight Zone with Nygil.
I could hang out with Tyler, track Annie down, go to Rob's.
I could watch a movie and eat the ice cream Nygil bought for me last night.
I could vacuum (start cleaning my portion of the apartment before I leave).
I wish Ariana had stayed. I'd have liked to spend more time with a female for once, and she and I had been having a blast all day.
I might just go to sleep.
I'm so tired.
Final paper = done!
Final paper = done!
"Oh instincts are misleading
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you what you know you should want."
Death Cab.
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you what you know you should want."
Death Cab.
how much have i actually been alive?
I'm afraid to say anything.
And so I almost want to just say nothing.
Afraid because you imply that what I say is written in stone.
I wonder if... other people feel like this sometimes.
I don't want to say I feel numb,
but that seems to be a side-effect of feeling everything.
Today was just... emotionally charged. Not that I had any serious emotional out-lashes, (especially not by any means compared to my mood swings over the last week) but more that there is so much emotion I am suppressing right now, that everything seems tainted or muted, and as though I might explode into psychological chaos. What would really help me right now is a good cry. I really wanted to watch the Notebook last night... and it might have done the trick. But today... there are only a few movies that could make me breakdown like I need to, and even if I had access to them (one of them, I do), I wouldn't have the time or energy to watch it.
Yea,
after class and painting and my interview today, I went to the new bookstore, which I can't really tell if I like or not (nor do I know why it really matters how I feel about it... its a bookstore, almost just like the old one, except turned around and with lower ceilings. I felt like i was underground though... almost). Anyway, I got the poster board for me and Ben's project, and I also got one of those really cool tie-dyed Evergreen tee-shirts (as goes the unfortunate story of our society, I thought it would make me feel better... even though I didn't really feel bad. just really introspective).
the interview had gone well. it was more like a conversation. and it was actually one of the more relaxed conversations I had all day... all week even.
and painting the drum was good. it let me listen and think and do something semi-creative.
sucking at writing anything today. Eval for cultivating voice... what a pathetic attempt.
and lets not even start on my research paper, which I have wasted so much time on.
im going backwards now. I want to go forwards.
speaking of research paper/project. Ben L and I are presenting together and we decided to make a poster, which is why i went to the bookstore in the first place. i went to his apartment and we made our cute little poster, and talked, and his roommates made us all the most delicious vegan dinner. So fantastic. oh, and I met their dog Bo, who is so precious. He reminded me a lot of Cinder (except he was mellow and clean, and Cinder is... not). I got lots of doggy kisses, which was lovely. dinner had to be the best part of my day just cause i met some cool people, got to hang out with an awesome dog, and ate some of the most wonderful and unique food I've had for a while. i donno though, my day was pretty colorful (tainted by stress and suppressed emotions, but still very colorful --and i mean that beyond the tie-dyed shirt, acrylic painting, and sharpies).
holy hell, I'm about to fall asleep sitting up.
i guess its about time to pull out the soda, and start the paper...
And so I almost want to just say nothing.
Afraid because you imply that what I say is written in stone.
I wonder if... other people feel like this sometimes.
I don't want to say I feel numb,
but that seems to be a side-effect of feeling everything.
Today was just... emotionally charged. Not that I had any serious emotional out-lashes, (especially not by any means compared to my mood swings over the last week) but more that there is so much emotion I am suppressing right now, that everything seems tainted or muted, and as though I might explode into psychological chaos. What would really help me right now is a good cry. I really wanted to watch the Notebook last night... and it might have done the trick. But today... there are only a few movies that could make me breakdown like I need to, and even if I had access to them (one of them, I do), I wouldn't have the time or energy to watch it.
Yea,
after class and painting and my interview today, I went to the new bookstore, which I can't really tell if I like or not (nor do I know why it really matters how I feel about it... its a bookstore, almost just like the old one, except turned around and with lower ceilings. I felt like i was underground though... almost). Anyway, I got the poster board for me and Ben's project, and I also got one of those really cool tie-dyed Evergreen tee-shirts (as goes the unfortunate story of our society, I thought it would make me feel better... even though I didn't really feel bad. just really introspective).
the interview had gone well. it was more like a conversation. and it was actually one of the more relaxed conversations I had all day... all week even.
and painting the drum was good. it let me listen and think and do something semi-creative.
sucking at writing anything today. Eval for cultivating voice... what a pathetic attempt.
and lets not even start on my research paper, which I have wasted so much time on.
im going backwards now. I want to go forwards.
speaking of research paper/project. Ben L and I are presenting together and we decided to make a poster, which is why i went to the bookstore in the first place. i went to his apartment and we made our cute little poster, and talked, and his roommates made us all the most delicious vegan dinner. So fantastic. oh, and I met their dog Bo, who is so precious. He reminded me a lot of Cinder (except he was mellow and clean, and Cinder is... not). I got lots of doggy kisses, which was lovely. dinner had to be the best part of my day just cause i met some cool people, got to hang out with an awesome dog, and ate some of the most wonderful and unique food I've had for a while. i donno though, my day was pretty colorful (tainted by stress and suppressed emotions, but still very colorful --and i mean that beyond the tie-dyed shirt, acrylic painting, and sharpies).
holy hell, I'm about to fall asleep sitting up.
i guess its about time to pull out the soda, and start the paper...
