I'm afraid to say anything.
And so I almost want to just say nothing.
Afraid because you imply that what I say is written in stone.


I wonder if... other people feel like this sometimes.

I don't want to say I feel numb,
but that seems to be a side-effect of feeling everything.


Today was just... emotionally charged. Not that I had any serious emotional out-lashes, (especially not by any means compared to my mood swings over the last week) but more that there is so much emotion I am suppressing right now, that everything seems tainted or muted, and as though I might explode into psychological chaos. What would really help me right now is a good cry. I really wanted to watch the Notebook last night... and it might have done the trick. But today... there are only a few movies that could make me breakdown like I need to, and even if I had access to them (one of them, I do), I wouldn't have the time or energy to watch it.

Yea,
after class and painting and my interview today, I went to the new bookstore, which I can't really tell if I like or not (nor do I know why it really matters how I feel about it... its a bookstore, almost just like the old one, except turned around and with lower ceilings. I felt like i was underground though... almost). Anyway, I got the poster board for me and Ben's project, and I also got one of those really cool tie-dyed Evergreen tee-shirts (as goes the unfortunate story of our society, I thought it would make me feel better... even though I didn't really feel bad. just really introspective).

the interview had gone well. it was more like a conversation. and it was actually one of the more relaxed conversations I had all day... all week even.

and painting the drum was good. it let me listen and think and do something semi-creative.

sucking at writing anything today. Eval for cultivating voice... what a pathetic attempt.
and lets not even start on my research paper, which I have wasted so much time on.

im going backwards now. I want to go forwards.

speaking of research paper/project. Ben L and I are presenting together and we decided to make a poster, which is why i went to the bookstore in the first place. i went to his apartment and we made our cute little poster, and talked, and his roommates made us all the most delicious vegan dinner. So fantastic. oh, and I met their dog Bo, who is so precious. He reminded me a lot of Cinder (except he was mellow and clean, and Cinder is... not). I got lots of doggy kisses, which was lovely. dinner had to be the best part of my day just cause i met some cool people, got to hang out with an awesome dog, and ate some of the most wonderful and unique food I've had for a while. i donno though, my day was pretty colorful (tainted by stress and suppressed emotions, but still very colorful --and i mean that beyond the tie-dyed shirt, acrylic painting, and sharpies).

holy hell, I'm about to fall asleep sitting up.
i guess its about time to pull out the soda, and start the paper...