procrastinating...

Nyg, I had a dream about you, that I came to visit you in Corvallis on a science camp trip. It was really strange and I miss the hell outta you.



I really need to do homework. And sleep.
Oh, and eat.


One last thing though: Prior to Peru, was I OCD about closing blinds at night or is that a side-effect of Miluska? Or maybe of Ritual House?

adventure!

So right before I talked to Rob earlier, I passed Robb and he looked pretty glum. I remembered that tonight when I was about to leave to feed my ants, and I decided to invite him along. It was a grand adventure, and he said I totally cheered him up. ^_^

But yea, we suger-water fed the ants, watched them suck up water droplets, saved them from too-big puddles of water that they got stuck in, corralled them when they made valiant attempts at escape, and took (really poor-quality) pictures of their tunneling. Now I'm back in my room and I finished my architecture blog post with the new pictures so you should go see it by clicking here!

ant people

So... we had studio today, and I found out some of my ants had died.

:......(

I discovered the dead ants right before our lunch break and I just sat there feeling guilty and shitty and wondering if I should just put the rest of them back out in their nest so they can live out the rest of their lives. I figured that I didn't need to continue with the ants because there is now grass growing in the container (the ants weren't eating the blue grass seed, and apparently it was a good environment for that to grow), and I could call that my "living thing."

When all hope seemed lost (!!!) for the continuance of my ant farming endeavors, I remembered that when I had emailed the insect expert, John Longino (who I regrettably hadn't met with yet), he told me that I could meet him at lunch on Thursday. I thought... "ugg, they aren't gonna live another week!" but... brilliantly IT IS THURSDAY! And lunchtime! So I realized this and picked up my ant farm, cradling it carefully, trying not to shake it much, and went to see John! Man... he couldn't have been cooler! He was so helpful! He loved my ant farm design, and told me all sorts of neat things about ants and how to keep the workers alive without a queen (if you want to know, ask me... i know it seems impossible to find elsewhere on the internet, but I am too lazy to write it out right now). So he was telling me all this stuff and we were having a great conversation that almost made me cry because... the man speaks my language, dude; he thinks like me. But he knows all these things I don't, and I have so many amazing things to think about just after talking to him for 20 minutes. And just when I thought I couldn't get anymore emotional in that circumstance....
BRENDON walks in. OMFG that kid is like THE COOLEST. AHH, I wish I could explain it. Along the lines of Steve Erwin except... well... not. But he just knows so much and is so passionate about plants and animals and insects and people and EVERYTHING, and I totally thought he had left Evergreen so I haven't thought about him for like over 6 months. But he was there! And he totally remembered me and didn't let me hug him until he took is "nasty" lab coat off. But it made me so happy. And he was really into my ant farm too and even said "I've been trying to do this for so long!" which was like the best compliment ever coming from him. We all talked about ants for a while and then I realized how fucking hungry I was. So I kept thanking John over and over. I was just so thankful to have met him! I went to put my ant farm back in the studio. Then on the way down from the studio I ran into ROB (not Robb). And that was stellar cause I hadn't seen him since I'd been back either. We chatted til he had to go to class. I went to get cash out of the ATM so I could eat at the Flaming Eggplant. I ended up buying a green tomato from the Farmer's Market booth on the way back. That was delicious. Got fritter-fratters (potato and beat "french fries) at the Eggplant and saw a bunch of people from our class sitting around a few tables. I sat by Wolfgang, and we talked about how class was helping us develop skills in our respective interests. He's a neat person too; very soft-spoken, but quite brilliant and super thoughtful.

Went back to class to do sketching and plan out our final wallet prototype. Damn, I love this school.

There is so much more I need to say! But my fingers are freezing, and I'm really antsy (hahahahahahhaha, get it?) so I am going to run up to the studio with some sugar water and a camera so I can feed my ants (now get it?) something they can actually consume and take pictures of their tunneling progress. Then I need to actually do my homework instead of blogging like I've been doing intermittently for a couple hours (mostly composing my next post for the Student Architecture site, and it should be posted tonight... with the new pics!)

session

she tried to focus on how to give him the help he wanted. she looked at the words searching for her thoughts. he doesn't look back down at the paper. he feels vulnerable, but not just because he had just shared a written account of his life story with someone, but because the way she spoke helped him realize the truth of what he wanted to become. they both knew where he was coming from, and how he got to where he is, and his constant struggle with identity. she seemed so strong in herself, speaking softly but surely. he couldn't stop staring at her, wondering what she was thinking about his paper, or what she thought about the past and the person that brought it into being.

solitude.

"my serenity is rippled, not ruffled"

"nothing can make life a burden to me"

"it seems i were more favored by the gods than they"

"no place could ever be strange to me again"

we learn

nothing.
er...
what we learn, amounts to nothing if we do not pay attention to how we use it and to how it becomes an actor in our lives.

BREAK

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We meet at short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value of each other. We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war." (from Walden)

And instead we wage it silently, or all to often to the wrong person in the wrong forum, and without enough forethought. "...this double-ness may easily make us poor neighbors and friends sometimes." We do not reflect on whether our language accurately represents the truth, or if it is merely an easy way to hold interesting conversation. We do not reflect long enough on what we know in out hearts before we say the words aloud that we can't unsay. And the perceptions we create by this speaking before thinking is what perpetuates these misunderstandings and complications. They have been perpetuated to the point that our lives seem boring and empty without them, and so we begin to purposely create falsities (which accumulates with those occurring naturally, as before). When something is simple, there is no need to complicate it. When something is already complicated, why make it more so? I guess what I am trying to say is this:


"If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep."
-William Stafford
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RETURN

Remember what you learned:
do not prevent. ALLOW. Allow the things to happen as they will. BUT that is not all we know. although we do not wield control over all things, and although we must be open, and ALLOW, we must also be aware, and acknowledge our role in the sequence of play. part of this is active, and part is passive. part is reaction, part is reflection. part is internal, and part is external.

the internal anger will only repeat the cycle. know when to use your voice to throw the pattern off, and create something new.

focus! remember. you do not need reminders. they are in your heart.
just relax.
just allow.
just speak when it is your time... no sooner, no later.
don't be so concerned with that. it is not concerned with you.

boundaries. in solitude there is much to speak of. in singularity there is power. and in cooperation, there is something. you will get there.

breath.
live.
it is simple. you over-think.
it is fun. it is funny.
love. nothing can destroy that. questions do not apply. it is. do. feel.

we've discussed the problems with external. we misconstrue meaning. we lose truth in word. but...
TRY
this is both. and we must. always. it is what we have. there is nothing more, except to fade. and we have been there.

there is more. it is less.

it is fucking 4 am, that's what it is.

cycles.

giant cycles.

[this has been done before]

poesis

creation

the passion in compassion

when you burn with intent to char the chains, careful the smoke doesn't poison the air, or the ash taint the water.

what??

age of day
strange of way
page your say
wage your fray



its all misunderstood
or misunderstandings
or something...
and you don't understand me,
my expression, my plea.

my words sound absurd and obscure
but
i'll play with these--
as long as i live
as much as i please...

if i don't
cage it at bay
it will all drift away.


we are barely aware of its
peaking before sinking
under the honest violence of the sea.

thesun.therain

it just couldn't stand it anymore:
attempting to be something it just isn't.
the pressure it felt neared a point of destruction.
it had to let go.
and in letting go, it found that it was both,
and that it was beautiful either way.

ugh

i just wanted someone to understand...
that's it.

fuck today.

I'm soooo sick of people.
and lonely too.



My ants seem happier today though...

new dreams, old things

I had a crazy dream about Tony last night. I don't remember much of it but the feeling and tone about it. I remember spending time at his house and talking to Gaby (and Livvy?) and Sue.

i'm fighting for something so far away

and I'm running out of reasons to stay.


Fuck, I miss Pisco today.

click on the text below:

PISCO SIN FRONTERAS NEWSLETTER!!

Ants

I am building my ant farm. I know this seems stupid, but I am really sad to lock the ants up in a small container. I want them to have a good life. I guess that is what this assignment is about: stewardship. How far I am willing to take my design in order to give these ants the best captive life possible. Right now it is small and simple. I have a week to make it better, and then actually find the little guys who it is going to be better for.

I think the reason I got so hooked on the idea of an ant farm is because I have never really liked ants. I don't mind one here or there, but when they are in large groups it always really grosses me out. That fact makes this assignment more important, because I am taking care of something I don't like to look at as much as I would like to see a fish or a plant every day. At the same time, even though I don't even have the ants yet, I feel very protective of them and I don't want anything bad to happen to them.

I have this really vivid memory from the end of Sophomore year. It was right before Tony broke up with me. Tony and I were the only ones to show up for Jackie S's BBQ and so we went on an adventure in the woods. By the time we got out we were all exhausted and angry at each other. I don't remember if Jackie left, but at least Tony and I sat on a curb in the setting sun. I was laying down and watching this ant crawl in front of me. His shadow was hugely exaggerated by the low sun angle and I was wondering if he felt that big, if he was afraid of me, where he was going...
I might have pointed to the ant, but somehow Tony became aware of it and seemingly out of anger toward me he took his big boot and stomped on the ant until it was dead. I know... it was only an ant, but I felt devastated by what he had done. It was the moment, and my thoughts, and his anger, and the meaning behind his action. A little tiny fissure was made right there in the integrity of our relationship, and that I ignored for years after --even though he solidified it in himself no more than a week later. Eh... you know the rest of that story.

Anyway, I don't know why I needed to write about that. Perhaps because I never have before, and it is something I think about periodically. The point is, I don't want anything dying because of me, or for me. I try to tell myself there is nothing I could have done to save that dog in Peru, but what if I had tried harder? What if I had gotten something loud to come out of my mouth, or if I had gotten my feet to move to try to stop that truck? I don't think those questions will ever leave me. And I will certainly never forget that moving picture of what happened next. When it comes up in my mind, I work hard to avert my thoughts. But I can't shake the thought that it was partially my fault, even if realistically anything I would have done wouldn't have changed the fact that he was going to die soon. He could hardly walk or think because of how malnourished he was.

Oh man, this got wayyyy off track.

On a happier note, Tyler suggested for my prototype I should draw ants and tape them on the container. I did that, and they are super cute! Soon I will have real ant-guys crawling around in there, hopefully happily!

(Oh, and I am aware that I am disgustingly corny sometimes. End author's note.)

transparency

some of my relationships need more of it
and some need far less.

42

the answer to "life, the universe, and everything" is the translation of the binary 101010 which is today's date!

__

i feel like there should be some lyrics to describe how i feel right now. but they are all either too happy or too sad. its been a fucking strange day and i need to get to sleep.


homework in heaps tomorrow.

rain

Tonight is a weird one. I am alone, and I want to be. Except, it's nights like these that I wish I had a best friend. I don't mean to diminish any of the amazing friendships that I experience daily. Sometimes I just wish I had a mirror-me to talk to (so I suppose that is why I write so often). But that isn't really what I want. I'd like someone who is perfect to be with. (Which doesn't make sense to want because... its unrealistic). Well, fuck. I am not explaining myself very well. I just want to feel natural with someone and...ugg, it is so rare for me to feel that way. I want someone to just BE around and have that be enough, for me and for them.

Lizzy and I hung out all afternoon. After Andean Roots ended last Spring she stayed in Peru, and upon reading my blog, Pisco became her new destination. So she went and ended up staying for 5 weeks. So since school started she and I have been trying to find a time to hang out, look at pictures from Pisco, and swap stories. It was so wonderful to talk to someone who had been there. And to have someone ask me about my experience with such interest and understanding. Her stories were wonderful. Hil

Carolyn is coming back to Oly for the night. She is going to stop by quickly before meeting up with Ari and the guys at her place. I am glad to get to see her.

It's raining
and I just keep listening to the same music.

And so it begins...

I am overwhelmed!!! Big surprise right?!?! But my brain is still in a fairly decent place, so that is a positive. I can feel myself slipping a bit though; some things are really eating at me.

Tutoring is becoming more of a commitment than I anticipated. I should be doing the work now, while I'm on the clock, instead of blogging. But my mind is full and at some point I need to actually reflect, and write for me. I love tutoring, but yesterday reminded me how difficult it can be. Other than the time commitment I am remembering the emotional input that is required for success in a session to happen. And it's a balancing act too: my emotions should not be completely invested in a session, but they should be present, along with passion, attention, and personality.

For now, I just need to get my shit sorted and do some planning before this and everything else starts bearing down on my happiness.


Things:

WC-
*Start prototype blog site for tutors.
*Brainstorm publicity. Bookmark design. Poster design.
*Update tutor log after each session.
*Complete weekly tutor-intern meeting.
*Work on Inkwell article.

DGF-
*Bring sketchbook, pencil, tracing paper (3 sheets), ruler (centimeters/inches), drafting triangle to class. Tomorrow.
*Drawings: 3 man-made, large sheet. 3 natural, large sheet. By Thursday.
*Read case study. Respond. Share ideas. Revise response. By Thursday night.
*Finish reading Ritual House (1st half). Respond on Work Log sheet. By Friday.
*Look for materials for Greening the Studio project. Brainstorm ideas for material use. Choose organism. Do sketches. Create prototype. By Monday.
*Read Materials and the Environment. Do worksheet. By next Wednesday.
*Read Ritual House (2nd half). Respond on Work Log sheet. By next Friday.
*Rethink 'Greening' project based on feedback (from next Tuesday). Create final. By next, next Monday.


I know even once I get these things done, more will have been started, and more yet will come. I must find a balance. Homework parties are positive situations if I can maintain my focus and motivation is mutual. Going to Sizizis for late-night refreshments will help. Movies on the weekends. Breaks for climbing. Running? (I've felt like running all day). Oh, and sleep does wonders. As does good food --THE FLAMING EGGPLANT IS OPEN, which reminds me that I need to do a cash withdrawal so I can actually eat there. And there are various other personal things to be done ASAP, not the least of which is finding an eye doctor (that accepts our insurance?), getting an appointment, and getting an update prescription for contacts and frames for glasses. Without that I am going to run out of contacts soon, I won't be able to see anything, and then everything else will fall to pieces.

And I'm rambling. But it feels good to off-load. Now back to work.

Florence + The Machine:

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing
Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground...

week one, done.

ITS THE WEEKEND!

Man so much has been going on...
So there is class! OMFG
and then seeing all the people from Andean Roots who I haven't seen since Peru.
And seeing all the people from other parts of Evergreen who I haven't seen since before Peru.
The boys got jobs at the climbing gym, and I got to go in and help them a bit with set-up.
And... yea.
lots more, but meh...........

I'm hardly ever at my place. I sleep here, but that's about it. With the occasional break between class and something else where I need to drop something off.

Met a cool guy today. Robb. It was a strange meeting/adventure which led to meeting another friend Willis, and then all 6 of us going to Vic's Pizza with Ty, Eric and Carolyn. And then there was drawing mustaches, an endeavor that continued when we got back to the HP house where Zach and Ari were. But between that we went to a park and did swinging, and climbing on structures and epic-ness.

And it was a long-ass week which is to be followed by a long-ass, crazy-ass weekend, and further followed by a longer and crazier week when I start tutoring ON TOP OF this amazing, wonderful, but pressure-full class. Point being, I need to go to sleep, and may or may not actually have time to form an interesting, thoughtful blog for a while.

<3's though.

Oh...
Got an email from Madelyn today. She is my soul mate and I love her.