!m0g3n

it's heaps and it heaps
in my minddddddddddd
like on the side of the...
and i can't put it here.for you.in words.

the sunset spans the coast
my mind spans the...
spams the...
spasm
sp.sp.spa
spasms of reality
{and its okay by...}


well... the things i missed i gained in imagination.
oh yes.. so much concentration --on my dreams
and what they mean.

Dreams and more

So...

one more day of vvork at PSF. Yup, tomorrovv is our last day. Yesterday I shovved Thays the guidelines I vvrote up. She really appreciated them, and thanked me for taking the initiative to do that. Hopefully they actually get circulated once edited and such. Yesterday vvasnt the best vvork day. Ben had to (got to) get up early to go to Super Fun Tovvn, so I then had the responsibility of actually getting my ass outta bed. I set a bunch of alarms, but my dreams kept pulling me back to sleep. One dream in particular, actually. Dream: I vvas vvalking up those stairs as I did so many times, and I vvas getting the same tight feeling in my chest as I alvvays did. As I knocked on the door at the top, the tightness vvorsened and the pain vvas so much that I started clutching my chest and sort of flailing until I opened my eyes and it vvas dark. I vvoke up in my hostal room, my heart pounding, my chest so tight it inhibited me from moving for a long second.

But I vvanted to go in the door, so I pushed myself back into sleep. The dream continued vvithout so much violence or pain. Just the semi-normality it vvould be had it been the real situation. I don´t remember it though. Just the sun, setting for hours. Oh, so fitting.

Anyvvay, by the time I finally pulled myself out of my tvvisted, fanatical mind for long enough to check the clock I had already slept through breakfast and half the morning meeting. Ugg. I started dressing and getting ready and trying to figure out hovv to get in late vvithout being noticed. I may have done, if TBC vvasnt vvalking up to the house right as I vvas. He knevv instantly and pointed at his vvrist in annoyance. He asked me hovv I vvould like to clean the house today, and I said I´d absolutely love to. He then pretty much escorted me to the board to vvrite my name dovvn. Then Carolina approached me and invited me to clean some bathrooms and svveep and mop the corridoors. I don't mind cleaning, I just don't like being treated as though its a punishment for presumably staying up late drinking, vvhich I obviously didnt do. Actually, I stayed up doing homevvork for the organization. But vvhatever. Simon vvas playing some dubstep from the kitchen for a vvhile and vvhen that faded into hiphop I just turned on my ipod and listened and danced vvhile I svvept up the enormous piles of dirt that alvvays manage to reappear in full force, the broken beer bottles people had littered all over the halls, and the millions of little streamer things from the poppers the night before. It vvas kinda a big job, and annoying cause the vvind vvas blovving everything everyvvhere. Then I cleaned a couple bathrooms. After that I just helped some people sand some blocks of vvood they are using as templates for building the nevv recycled-vvood modular homes vve are gonna start "mass-producing" fairly soon.

I guess it turned out to be a productive day. VVent to lunch at Tronco´s vvhich is far-superior to Diana´s. Had lomo and tried to enjoy the company. I ended up at the angry side of the table.
:/

After lunch I vvent back to the house to get my camera and stuff and as I vvas vvalking back to the hostal I savv tvvo of the volunteers running back to the house vvith urgency. I follovved them back in the door and asked vvhat they needed. A backboard. Apparently there vvas a carcrash dovvn the road. They disappear somevvhere and I look around for a human-sized peice of vvood. Nothing, so I decided to vvalk dovvn to vvhere all the commotion is. It vvas a tugtuk and likely a motorcycle crash. One guy vvas hardly moving. PSF volunteers got him onto the piece of vvood they found and loaded him into a truck. Then an ambulance came (same type of pickup truck, but they moved him anyvvay). Tvvo volunteers studying medicine road vvith him. Didn´t hear anything further about vvhat happened to him. The rest of the volunteers headed back to the house and the crovvd cleared. I picked the debris from the crash out of the road and piled it up on the side, then vvalked across the street to the hostal.


Ben and I vvent out to dinner. Then vve vvalked around, ate icecream cones and got some snacks for later.

VVent to bed fairly early. Had tvvo fucked up dreams last night.
1) Nathan died. All I remember vvas I vvas the only one there to vvitness his death, and the reason he died vvas really strange. He thought it vvas the only vvas for some reason. He vvas in some sort of physical or emotional pain and he didnt vvant to vvait it out, or try to make it better, or see a doctor, he just vvanted to die. He got the injection and I vvatched him die. He didn´t even give me a chance to talk to him about the things I needed to say. I even forgot to say I love you. Mom and Dad and Becca got there right after he faded avvay and then I realized hovv stupid I vvas for letting that happen. And I just kept apologizing. And the more time that passed the more shitty and guilty I felt, like I had destroyed our family and that I vvould never be able to tell him the things I vvanted to say.

I vvoke up abruptly from that and Ben vvas there. He comforted me enough to sleep again.

2) Zombies. Of-fucking-course. VVe vvere running through the jungle avvay from zombies, and then vve had to fight zombie dogs. And then vve made a quarentine and vve had to shoot people vvho vve let in vvho vvere bitten by zombies. It vvas basically just my fucking perfect zombie vvorld and I don´t even vvant to go into details because it vvas ridiculous and long and just vvonderfully combined strange scenes from movies (like nevv moon?) and parts of real life into my crazy nightmare vvorld.

But yea, finally I vvoke up and got up and novv I have a busy Sunday ahead of me getting ready to leave tomorrovv night.

you can't have it all...

I miss Evergreen intensely. I miss my friends. I miss the gym.
I dont miss the feeling I have being there.

But Im not really kidding myself saying I am totally happy here. I am just busy. My mind is busy. Im working and doing something good... which feels good, but I still struggle with a lot of the same insecurities and so much shit in my mind when it has a chance to catch up with me. I can see that coming through in my sleep since I dream so much, so vividly.


Im sad right now. Just sad...
I don't want to leave PSF or Peru.
I want to be in Olympia right now so I can go to the beach with everyone this weekend and go climbing next week when the gym reopens.
I can't have it all.

I just love too much (and hate too much).

Anyway, tonight was fun. It was a couple people's birthdays and Cake Lady made a special cake for them. Some other people bought a Pinata and poppers and stuff. Enjoyable to watch, and eat.

yea... I should try to get some sleep soon. I still have some reading to do. I feel good, thinking about work, my research, and getting up tomorrow to do a half day. That feels good.

my imput, my research

so there is still an hour of the work day left, but i am going to be doing research all night I think so I thought I would take a break. I just wrote up a draft of guidelines for Initial Meetings with potential beneficiaries and Technical Site Assessments for potential projects for PSF. At the meeting we had the other day Imran strongly pushed for more efficiency as far as data collection and passing along experience and knowhow to new volunteers. It inspired me to compile what I learned in my 3 days of site-assessing, from my personal experiences and from the guidelines I was given (which were inconsistent day to day). The draft compilation would help make the process more regulated allowing us to serve people faster while also collecting semi-standardized data about the people we help. This information, according to Imran, is essential for gaining funding and other sort of external support for PSF. He and I are also going to talk to Admin about how we can also create a process for follow-up on projects so we have data to show that our work actually does improve the living quality of people in and around Pisco. We need both these processes to be fairly standard in order to gain any information that could be used in statistics or just conglomerate information. We need to also look at how to merge the two sections of data collection and integrate them in some sort of system of comparison to make the information most useful.

Al and I did another round of assessing this morning and it went alright. We went up to Villa de Tupac Amaru which I sort of dreaded since that's where the dogs (and the people) seem to be in the worst condition. I felt like we made some good advancements on the sites we looked at, but it was today that I really realized how inefficient this technical assessment can be if, first, we dont have all the initial information we need, and second, we dont get all the new information we need to get for a decision to be made. Its hard to keep track of everything we need to bring/ask/look into, and until now there was no real document outlining it all. I hope what I compiled is helpful. If I can't get someone in Admin to look at it tonight then I am gonna stick around this weekend and work it out some more. I assume there are people who kinda stay on the clock all weekend to keep this place up and running. It's hard cause I dont want to drop this and have it be forgotten when I leave (on Monday??). There are alot of important people leaving soon. Jimmy (and Lynn?), Alex the tool guy, Mike for biodiesel, ect. Its scary, but there are also lots of new people who seem to have real drive and good assets that are going to be useful at this time.

Anyway, I also found some really good resources on buildings and codes and materials in Peru/Pisco. I need to either print those off or take good notes on them tonight. I am inspired to write a paper for class if I get the information I need. I remembered recently that I had put all of my project stuff from Fall and Winter (as well as my eval drafts) in my Google Docs account, so that will help me draw some comparisons for this new work I want to put together. Obviously it wont be too extensive, especially since there is still some work for PSF (Fisherman's Project, ect), some traveling back to Cuzco, and some site-seeing (Machu Picchu) that we are trying to do before next Friday.


Random things before I get back to work:

Alex Mahy called me last night announcing his surprise arrival to Pisco. I told him it was not smart to be wandering Pisco alone at night. His phone cut out when I was trying to explain not to get in to a tugtuk with more than one driver ("even if the other person is holding a baby, there is probably a gun or a knife under the baby") just as we were told. I was afraid he would get dropped off at the old house too... and he didnt call me back and he took like an hour to get here. I was convinced he had died. But no... Ben walks back from Cake Lady with Alex in tow. -big sigh- We took starving Alex to get food. Then to get more food. Then Ben and I needed to sleep.

Thai green curry for dinner tonight.

Yea, there's more, but I gotta go.

are you in or are you out?

so... im not fucking sleeping. and i am in such a bad mood today.

i havent slept well the whole time ive been in that hostal, but the past two nights have been the worst. i just wake up constantly. my dreams are progressively weirder and weirder, so much so that I dont even want to revisit them through writing.

trying to stay calm by listening to Imogen Heap and some other soothing music, but i am just really overly emotional. i imagine its about that time of the month, and not sleeping enough would definately contribute to my iritability.

I just got so snappy today at people who were trying to help me. At first I blamed them because I thought they didnt think I could do it, but now I think I was just being overly sensitive.
most of the music played in the work yard today made me want to just leave. luckily someone decided to play Death Cab, so that pretty much kept me sane. I didnt want to go to lunch with anyone, but I ended up going anyway. Some people were complaining about how Diana (from Diana's restaurant) is a bitch, so we went somewhere else. There the same people were complaining about how slow the service was and one of them even yelled and cussed at the lady serving us. I really hope she didnt understand what he said.

I helped fix some shelves/cubbies today, then we painted them. I also built an easel for a chalkboard. All for the Tupac Amaru school. Thats about it. I swept a lot too.



Im lucky my stomach is stronger now because some things make me just feel like puking. Anticipation is one of those. I don't even want to get into that again.

Another one.
We were walking to lunch today and I saw this dog who looked normal from the front but whose backside was singed of all its fur. Its tail looked like a rat's... It was skinny, but not too bad. More than anything I was just scared to look to hard at it. Scared that it would be in as bad of condition as the dog that...
yea.
On the way to Lima where we caught to bus was right next to where the dog had been hit. There was another similar breed of dog, much healthier but still not in great condition. And then passed the same kind of truck. My stomach and my head throbbed while we waited to board, and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I sat and put my head between my knees trying not to get sick...



tyler just reminded me i need to start thinking about housing for next year. i also should be getting interview questions from Sandy soon to see if I get to work in the WC next year. if not... i might as well drop out and move here. good fucking plan.


ok. done bitching for the day.

PSF

everything you guys said, Becca and Mom, are great and true: I need to come home, regroup, learn, grovv, see family, ect ect. And I knovv that my ticket back to the states is important to honor at this point...

*big sigh*

...but

VVe had a volunteer meeting tonight and it made me realize that even if I can return, it is this stage in PSF´s development that I don´t vvant to miss. I mean, transformation is a huge and ongoing process but I feel my head and hands and heart vvould be so valuable and so invested and so important right novv. They already are invested. I am. Immensely.

So I knovv vvhat I have to do... or... vvhat I am going to end up doing, but it goes against my heart.

Not that I can change anything but if I could do it again, I vvould try to get my family to come to Peru for vacation instead of meeting in Honduras. Or I vvould go to Honduras and come back. I knovv I am going to love Science Camp, and I KNOVV I am not going to vvant to leave there either, but...

I vvas so afraid to leave Killoqua last summer. I vvas right about the feelings I vvas returning too. I feel that same fear again. It literally breaks my heart. I am coming back to some amazing people and places and things at home... and I vvant to believe as much as you do that I vvill be better novv, that I vvill come home and my optimism vvill endure.

I hate to say it...

I vvon´t say it, I just knovv it. Of course believing that so strongly might be vvhat makes it true, but I knovv nothing else to believe.

I believe it vvill be different in some respect, but I knovv vvhy here is better, and I knovv I can´t experience it there. The exact reasons vvhy here is good, is vvhy there is bad.

But since I am here vvhile I am, I vvill do my best to bask in this time of joy. For instance, today vvas amazing, and tonight continued to be just spectacular, and entertaining.
At the meeting one of the volunteers said they vvould donate s/100 to PSF if TBC fought Jason in a boxing match. TBC agreed to go through vvith it if, at that moment, they could raise s/1000 in donations from the people at the meeting. Needless to say, vve made it... easily. The fight is 2 vveeks from Friday, so vve are going to miss it. Hopefully someone makes a video... its almost too good to miss.

Ben thought of this brilliant idea tohelp PSF even vvhen vve are gone. To fundraise for PSF by getting donations from friends and family for running the Seattle Marathon. I am gonna jump on that one too... though probably just the half marathon. VVho vvants to donate??

Also, if I do really good in this building class, and learn more Spanish then I vvill have a lot of skills and resources to bring back to PSF. I just vvish I could be here and keep researching the building codes and structural systems and getting that hands-on experience too.

This is all sporadic. My mind is everyvvhere... I am so afraid, but also very anxious-excited to come back and to do all the other cool stuff I vvant to do in life. Please though... someone... someone make me read these posts again sometime later this year. If I lose sight of this, please don´t let me get so lost that I never come back.

Its late (past 10). And I vvant to be more functional than I vvas today. Plus I might be getting up early tomorrovv to take a boat vvith the local free diver-fishers here out in Paracas Bay instead of going on building site. Fun stuff.

never thought id say this...

but MONDAYS ROCK!

gahh! I am so reenergized from vvork today!! This is vvhat I vvant to do vvith my life... vvork that makes me happy even if other things in my life are upsetting, and even if something terrible happens; vvork that is revvarding and fun and physical; vvork vvhere I learn something nevv everyday; vvork vvith great people (even though some are grumpy sometimes).

No matter vvhat I feel like Sunday night (about life, or PSF, or anything) the past 3 Mondays have alvvays managed to make life feel a little brighter. Granted by Friday I am exhausted, but it doesn´t matter because I start over on Monday and feel like I couldn´t possibly be happier anyvvhere else.

I vvas vvalking dovvn the road, looking at the dirt beneath my feet that novv feels so common and right, and I just felt home. I don´t knovv hovv long I vvill last in the states before I need to return here... here as in South America, Peru, Pisco, or PSF. Or somevvhere else similar vvhere I can do vvork and learn and feel free and feel alive and meet nevv people and feel happy and feel like I am doing something vvorthvvhile.

I got discouraged about life and everything after vvitnessing that dog die, and I got antsy for home/Evergreen this vveekend for stupid reasons. And of course I am still shaken and still a bit anxious, but I just love it here, and every time I stop and think about hovv great I feel I just vvish I vvasnt leaving so soon.

Today Ben and I got up early (after staying up really late ... "late" Peru-time is like 10, but vve vvere up past 12) because vve had to cook breakfast vvith a couple other people. There are over 60 volunteers here right novv so that vvas quite an endeavor. But I am officially pro at cooking scrambled eggs for an army.

I vvas exhausted from little sleep but had good times cooking, and didnt feel stressed and just enjoyed the experience. Then I signed up to vvork on Maria´s House today vvhich is a nevv project vvhere vve are breaking up part of an exisiting foundation to build the concrete columns to prep for the brick vvork. A bit of trench digging too for the part of the foundation that doesnt exist yet. Good vvork. Hard. Learned hovv to use a jackhammer (or a smaller equivalent I think). I vvas also the translator for this project cause I vvas the only Spanish speaker, and that in itself vvas a learning experience. I might end up being project leader for this one sometime later this vveek because Matt vvanted to do a concrete pour at Superfun Tovvn (a project vvhere they are building a concrete futbol, volleyball, basketball field for a community). It vvould be avvesome to be a project leader before I left!

Anyvvay... the day vvas almost done and I vvas trying to translate something and suddenly someone says my name and I turn around and its CALUM! AHHHH I vvas so excited! He had come to Pisco to see me but couldnt get ahold of my cell so he vvalked all over tovvn to find the site I vvas at. VVe talked for like 20 minutes before he had to go catch a bus to Lima but I am overjoyed that I got to see him again at all. AMAZING.

Also, Ben and I vvent to Lima this vveekend vvith some of the girls vve met at PSF (Jo, Fran, Charlie, and Hiral --vvho are also all from England). VVe had such a good time. VVent to the catacombs under this church, and vvent to a fountain park, and vvalked around Plaza de Armas. OH and vve ate Dominos vvhich vvas fucking EPICCCCCCC. I have never enjoyed pizza so much in my life. VVe hung out at the girls hostal and met some cool guys vvho might join us at PSF for a couple days (vvhich reminds me I need to add them on Facebook to give them details).

ohh, im late for dinner. more later maybe. xD

VVaking life

i vvoke and i vvish i hadnt.
i vvoke and i vvished the dream vvas real.

i vvill vvrite it in detail, including vvords that vvere actual thoughts in my dream. i am going to post it no matter hovv much i vvant to hide these emotions that have i have somehovv been suddenly reminded of, because i dont care enough to censor myself anymore.

i had gone home (evergreen), but just for the vveekend, to vvelcome him back. i vvas still gonna fly back to Peru, but i couldn´t vvait all summer to see him.
somehovv i vvatched, at level, the activities through the vvindovv. Someone vvas doing backflips and cartvvheels but they vvere moving so svviftly i couldnt see. vvhen they rounded off i savv it vvas Eric... huge grin on his face. I could feel hovv happy he vvas to have his friend home.
Daniel sat... vvorking dilegently on something in his hands that I couldnt see.
Tyler must have been in his room.
And the guest of honor... my eyes svvept the room for him. maybe he hadnt arrived yet. There vvas this person in the corner vvith buzzcut short blond hair, and i remember being surprised by the vvay they held themselves against the vvall. It couldnt be, but it vvas and I stared trying to figure out vvhat had changed. He had a fuller look to his body and his back vvas straight, as it is vvhen he vvalks, but not vvhen he sits... used to. He vvas reading, naturally, and even though he seemed more rigid, he didn´t look depressed or destroyed as i had expected. He seemed light, and relaxed, and -dare i say- content. I don´t knovv vvhy I hadnt seen him at first, he vvas right in front of me. Then he shifted and I realized that I vvas being a very unsneaky voyeaur if thats vvhat I vvas trying to be. So instead I ducked dovvn and popped back up, immediately throvving open the vvindovv and strolling in. I said a quick, general ´hey´without any eye-contact before struting dovvn the hall vvith the pretend purpose to grab something from a room, vvhile similtaneously seeming uninterested in the reunion. After I turned the corner into the hall vvith the rooms, I regreted my face of nonchalance. I vvalked out, admitted my stupidity and asked if I could try that again. Everyone nodded in compliance so I stepped out the vvindovv. VVhen I stepped back in I gave the most ridiculous expression of excitedment I could muster. It came out so vvrong and everyone stared at me blankly Then someone made a comment about sincerity. I stepped out of the vvindovv again, and back in one more time. This time I looked dovvn at him. he had stopped reading and his eyes vvere aimed upvvard to meet mine. vvith tears vvelled up, I almost yelled that i missed him, and fell to my knees to threvv my arms around his shoulders. His hands found my back and pulled me in for the same sort of half-hug he had given me upon his deparature. But it vvasnt the same. It had more meaning behind it, that I couldnt place. I vvas practically sitting on him, and he jokingly asked me vvhat I got him from Peru. The ansvver vvas nothing, but I asked him vvhat he had vvanted me to get him. He vvas already vvearing a vvool svveater (suddenly, as before vvhen I vvas spying he had been vvearing a tee-shirt), but its vvhat he said he´d like me to get him. I planned to find the perfect one for my final return. VVhat color? VVhat design?

Something you like.

Then I realized I hadn´t greeted anyone else.

Then I vvoke up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

its not the most worst time vvaking up has let me dovvn, but vvaking up today in Peru vvas hard.

not as hard, though, as not vvaking up on Thursday vvhile I vvitnessed death and tragedy. not nearly as hard.



I finished The Road last night. I needed to talk about it, but I let Ben sleep.

I am fighting desperately to hold on to the feeling of lightness I had been experiencing. I vvonder vvhat it vvill take. Surely feeling so seperate from people (just on basic principles of choice and action) doesnt help. (It isnt just that. It is also just vvho I am. Hovv I see vvhen I look out my ovvn tvvo eyes. Hovv I react to certain situations.)


----------------------------

If I don´t go novv, I´m gonna miss breakfast.
Lima today, instead of a half-day of vvork.

love is watching someone die

well... the event of yesterday probably would have severly disturbed my sleeping patterns had they not already been pretty skewed anyway. i find that every night i have been in this hostal i wake up periodically throughout the night. it is comforting in a way, but strange, because i have never so consistently had interrupted sleep for no apparent reason. maybe it is from sleeping in a stagnant air, musky hostal room, or maybe it is from sleeping next to someone else all the time (i guess that is when i had most consistently experienced periodic wakeups in the past). but anyway, last night was a little different i suppose only because the actual getting-to-sleep part was hard. i couldnt close my eyes without images of the dog come into my mind. very vivid, disturbing images that i cant unsee.

i remember when we first saw him. dazed in the road, limping and wandering out into traffic. i remember my immediate instinct to put myself between him and the cars. i remember shoving his body out of the way of a bus barreling toward us.

i remember looking backwards. i remember speaking, instead of shouting. i remember not doing anything but watch and hope as his body was dragged to the ground slowly under the barely moving tire of the truck. i remember every reaction of his body to the force including the initial bump to the...

fuck... there are no words to describe what it looked like. but it will stay with me forever. with much precision to the chain of movement as reaction... i with never forget it.

i remember hovering over him, sheilding the sun from his eyes. my eyes were so hyper aware of everything related to him. i noticed every detail of his eyes and skin and patches of fur and scar tissue; his skin crawling with ticks and god knows what other bugs. his mouth damaged at the sides. and of course his ribcage coated perfectly with what remained of skin tissue. there´s more, but you dont need it in your mind.

my eyes were the only thing working so hard. my mind was locked in my dream state... this cant be real. my instincts were on, but strange. i felt as though i was navegating blindly, and trying to figure out a problem obscure and alien. and i guess that it was...

(we looked around at all the eyes on the ground...)
we begged and then we waited
(theres no comfort in the waiting...)

i will never forget what it felt like to touch him. i cant escape the noise of his body as it convulsed on the wet, dry, dirt, shit ground.


every detail.


as we wandered away, once his lungs had made their final rise and fall, i thought of him walking in the road. so damaged, so alone. no hope or chance at more life. only death, looming in front of him. one way or another. all i could think of was The Road and the decrepid ancient man limping along, completely decaying, starving, alone in the world of anger and scarcity and pure survival. no compassion. how the man had left him even though the boy wanted to help. how the boy finally convinced the man to give him something. how they did help, the only way they could, even though it wouldnt make a difference in the end. except the gesture. except that then, their hands were as clean as they could be. and that in the midst of anguish and suffering and the reality of death, there was compassion... in some form.

happy half-birthday to me.

:7

(its a half smile cause its a little bittersvveet...)

blog

vve do not call it the same...
and for that reason, maybe it isnt the same.

but it is...
it is, in some vvay.

--------------------------------------------------------

i stumbled across something tonight, and i dont vvant to say vvhat it vvas yet, but it inspired me. and even though most of my mind is occupied vvith the events of today, i feel like i am vvrite like i havent been able to for a vvhile. vvhat i mean by that is that my journaling and my blogging have been different lately. my approach to vvriting has been different. i think being barred from vvriting vvhile i vvas in the hospital and before my nevv journal came really threvv off a rhythm i had with it... i didn´t vvrite anything substantial or true to myself for about a vveek. it vvas quite a shocking experience actually. but i learned to vvork through some thoughts in my head and try to save them there rather than on the page. though i don´t think i can convey vvhat a strange thing that actually is to me.

anyvvay

i vvanted to talk about happiness. these past tvvo vveeks have the most consistently happy ive been for... a long time. maybe that is another reason i have had trouble vvriting. i am usually in such a different state of mind.

i vvanted to write something about grovvth and peace. and... vvell timing is a bitch because the night i feel i can write about these strange nevv emotions is also the night i am not feeling them. and well, i suppose i AM...
in myself... i feel the same sort of elation i have felt the past couple of vveeks. elation? i think i mean lightness. i feel not so vveighted in myself... my inadequacies. perhaps because my life has not been so centered around myself. it has had focus elsevvhere. if myself and my vvork is going into something beneficial then i am improved automatically. that actually does lead me into vvhat inspire this post vvhich vvas reading Becca´s blog, and her relationship vvith god. she explains it so vvell... her emotional and spiritual connections and committments. and i guess my relationship vvith the vvorld has changed too vvhich has relieved some of my guilt and some of my debt. i am not longer only being acted on; i too am an actor. something that has alvvays scared me. something i believed was not possible for me. i thought i vvould alvvays be on the sidelines. i thought i vvould never be that person vvho vvas doing something important or special or even cool. i alvvays thought i vvould alvvays look at others and vvish i didnt have that something missing that vvould allovv me to also follovv my dreams and desires and get to these places vvhere my gifts could be given, and vvhere others might even look at me and thin "i vvish i vvas like her." i mean, that is vvhy camp vvas a happy place for me. i had made it to a place vvhere at one point in the past i had looked up and said "i hope i am there someday, like her." and there vvere kids doing to same to me. it vvas finally like: yes. dreams, hopes, desires CAN come true.

minor things chipped avvay at the high and then one final blovv brought be crashing dovvn so hard i sunk belovv vvhere i had ever been before. those things included having to re-end my relationship vvith Matt vvhen i vvent back to evergreen, and losing a bit of touch vvith him. after all the joy he had given me, i felt i had let him dovvn. and after all my talk about hovv badly Ellie had hurt him, i felt i had done the same. guilt.
another thing vvas Grey. more guilt. some insecure part of me needed that fling SO bad. as wonderful as camp vvas, it vvas also hard vvord and having his support and his company to look forvvard to at the end of a hard day, or week, vvas vvhat i needed to make that part of my life perfect. i mean, vve had so much fun together finding vvays to get avvay from camp on TO and vveekends; writing eachother camp grams; getting snacks and gifts for eachother as pick-me-ups throughout the day. and i tried to vvarn him it couldnt be too much more than that... but maybe i let it be. and vvhen camp ended, i vvent immediately back to Matt. more guilt. in addition, i had this anticipation built up about leaving camp. i cried hard on the last day, not because of leaving friends, but because of hovv terrified i vvas about hovv far i vvas going to fall vvhen i stepped back out into my life. it sustained for a fevv vveeks, but i started getting bored back at school. i tried to get rid of my loneliness in little crushes and things to occupy my day. Mark. nothing for my self-esteem. but it didnt hurt too bad. it vvas something that ended itself easily enough. There vvas this vveek or so that i remember being pretty drawn to Ben too.

And then there vvas Clark. That vvhole incident shouldn´t have bothered me as much as it did, but i suppose it lead to everything that follovved. i vvouldnt have asked to talk to Zach if it vverent for overhearing Clark´s gossip, and so Zach never vvould have kissed me.
there vvas the hammer that sent it all crashing down. vvhatever semblance of self-respect or joy i had left from camp or any part of my life vvas pretty much demolished completely shortly after that maneauver. you vvere all there for thatcrash. you have some idea. and some of you have a better idea than others, but if you need more detail: it vvas lovver than age 13, and it for a time, it vvas even lower than June 2006.

vvhy does this all matter?

vvell you can see the pattern i fall into about self-vvorth (and boys) and... though its something i cannot yet say i have escaped because i have yet to experience the extent of that supposed unreliance, i do finally feel vvorth. and dont get all giddied-up about that cause im the same in a lot of vvays too. my mind often tvvists things from vvhat they are to something else in order to satisfy vvhat i need to believe about myself. and anyvvay, i dont want to get too deep into that because its a vvhole lot of psychology that i dont vvant to grope around in yet. superstitions.

but anyvvay... i have grovvn on this trip. i needed to do some severe growth especially in my mental/emotional-self, and also some honing of my physical comfort zones. check and check.

that is all you can ask though. grovvth. development. improvement. its almost the best you can ask for. and as Becca demonstrates and explains... vve have some seasons of more grovvth than others, and everything vve go through is part of the process of finding more of vvho vve are and hovv vve fit into this vvorld. things i knew, but... my for a vvhile my seasons seemed more like the doldrums of the sea, up and dovvn in the same pattern of gain and loss. and vvhat vvas nevv vvas alvvays overshadovved by something come up old and rotton and consuming.

and i think in a lot of vvays she and i are having these seasons in parallelity. the dichotomy is quite interesting. me: out exploring, seeing new things, meeting new people. her: sitting on a couch sick, returning to old things and people from her past. and yet, from vvhat ive read, vve are both experiencing this strange, sort-of unprecedented growth period in our understanding of ourselves, our relationships, and the vvorld.

and anyvvay. i have to vvake up in 5 hours and vvork all day, but... yea. sorry if this doesnt make sense. i am a bit out of practice like i said, and have a lot to catch up on and mull over in my mind. so i think my thoughts are all a bit sporadic and rambly and maybe not completely thought through.

oh man. sleep sounds good. i knovv i am going to be laying avvake thinking for a vvhile yet.
some things you can´t unsee.

uhg

i vvould/should sleep,

but everytime i close my eyes...

some things you can´t unsee

-tried-

some things vvill replay in your head over and over, and they vvill never be different.

-pulled-

some things you thought you would do right, you do vvrong.

-crushed-

some things you vvish you had done, vvould not have changed much anyway.

-cried-

some things you are responsible for, arent easy

-vvalked-

some things you see, you can´t unsee

-

some things you do to help, hurt

-talked-

and some things you do to help, help

-caused-

and some things horrific do happen...

-helped-

some things make you vvant to vvake up, but you´re not sleeping

-shook-

some things vvill make you stronger, even if they make you feel vveaker

-

some things that are right, feel vvrong

-

some things make a minute feel like an hour

some things you cant unsee

some things you cant understand

some things you cant begin to feel

some things make you vvonder about compassion

some things make you vvonder about meaning

some things you see, burn your eyes and your heart and your soul

some things you cant unsee

some things you cant undo, redo, renevv

some things you cant explain...
im sorry, i don´t vvant to share this pain

and the down of today

registration is tomorrovv.
i am frusterated that i can´t take Arabic and Spanish both because their schedules overlap. But I think I am going to take Designing Green Futures, and Spanish. Beginning 3 or Intermediate 1? I don´t knovv. Either vvay if I do that combination I am in for another stressful quarter of 20 credits and vvork.

I REALLLLLLLLY just vvanna take those tvvo languages and ballet and vvork a ton in the center. i could take japanese or chinese or something besides arabic. but that is the next language i vvant to learn and i don´t knovv if i vvould invest myself as much in anything else. but Tyler is gonna ask the faculty member he knovvs for DGF if Eric and I can take it for 12 credits instead of 16. That vvould help alot. Probably sustain my happiness a bit better too if I vvasnt killing myself vvith an overambitious vvorkload.

Excerpts from Peru (part 2)

5/5/10:
"I just remembered, vvhen I vvas doing my frist market survey (in Urubamba) there vvas this police officer vvho vvas hassling some of the venders. At the time I couldnt remember vvhy that seemed so familiar, but tonight I vvas vvriting a poem that reminded me of Gregario and Asunta (the characters of Andean Lives). And Asunta´s story vvhere she couldnt sell at the market because she didn´t have a permit, but she couldn´t get a permit cause she couldn´t read or vvrite in the language she needed to do so. I remember that novv. And these tvvo realities --one read, and novv one seen-- converge into realization, and I remember vvhy I am here. And I must remember that when I am discouraged and/or lazy, or when I think I am here for some other reason that would be easier for me to give up on.

I much more easily sit dovvn for myself, but not for others. I reflect on my life and I find that pattern to be pretty clear and true. Injustices upon my friends and even upon strangers have evoked strength and emotion from me that vvere beyond my control or understanding. But there are a gift. Especially novv I realize this: That I am here because I need to be. I just may have temporarily forgotten that such need vvas not simply in myself, but in the vvorld that I am a part of."

I vvrote this vvhen I vvas struggling vvith my decision to stay in Peru or go home. I vvas not yet feeling the revvards of this trip reflect in myself, and found the motivation to stay in the need that surrounded me, rather than the need in myself. I came on this trip largely to escape parts of my life that vvere monotonous and depressing; and to escape depression itself. VVhen that didnt seem to be happening I vvanted to leave and give up. Life here vvas not any easier, and far more inconvinient, but this day and this realization helped encourage me to stay. And I feel I have been revvarded in staying because now I have seemed to (at least temporarily) escape some of those things that have plagued me so long.


Today vvas another one of those days. Last vveek vvas long, and even leaving the restful vveekend I felt disheartened and exhausted and as though I vvould be of no use this week, and that I had lost interest in the vvork. But today may have been one of the most revvarding days of my trip so far... of my life too. I couldn´t explain it in detail novv, but I savv things that shocked me, things that broke my heart, and then also things that inspired me. And I think I vvas part of a team that did somethings today that will actually help change a fevv lives fairly drastically. Maybe I am exaggerating my part, but maybe not. And anyvvay, I feel really good.

registression

so Ben reminded me that we have registration for classes in a few days. I had an architecture-type class in mind, Designing Green Futures but when i read it again i wasnt crazy about the description. or the fact that it was all-level. i feel like that can be really hit or miss. but the second part of the class (winter and spring) seemed far more interesting though i think i would need the first part to get those pre-reqs or drawing/designing and stuff. its still an option, and Tyler and Eric are thinking about it too.



I also really want to continue studying Spanish and came up with the brilliant idea to study Spanish and another language at the same time. Spanish and Arabic, or Spanish and American Sign Language, or Spanish and Chinese.



haha... I think I am really down for Spanish and Arabic. And also... if I did that I think I would take ballet too. It would be a cool thing to learn and sorta refreshing I think. And it would probably suppliment my climbing a lot. Good god, i miss climbing.



Ben can attest to my obsessive personality as of late. I have certain things that I just can´t get off my mind:

-Rent

-Twilight

-jello

-chocolate

and

-looking for places to climb

amoung other things.



there are other classes that looked cool. In the City which I could probably incorporate building and photography and writing in as well. There is a writing class but I don´t know if i can handle taking a class on writing. it is too much pressure for something i do out of passion.

----------------------------------

this post vvas longer but the internet cut out and i couldn´t save the rest on that computer.

my favorite parts about Peru

feeling happier
feeling like i am doing smething vvorthvvhile
meetng new people all the time
meeting people vvho live the lifestyle i strive for
seeing nevv places
seeing real poverty and having to realize hovv priveledged i actually am
being in uncomfortable situations and dealing vvith them
learning to love (like) cold shovvers
living and travelling vvith a close friend (Ben)

Excerpts from Peru

i don´t have endless time or energy so i am just gonna type out the parts i really like.

4/8/10
"I´ve had this feeling since I´ve been here that I don´t vvant to learn anymore about this culture. The more I learn the more impossible everything seems.

I also feel that since it is not my culture or my language I vvill never understand it in a vvay complex enough to actually have my knovvledge be of any use. Hovv could my feeble understanding of a culture contribute anything to it, vvhen there are people vvith a far more complex understanding vvho are integrated and truely knovv vvhat is appropriate for themselves.

I knovv I can´t do nothing. I knovv I can´t stop learning, but I still struggle vvith it, especially since the more I understand (or think I understand) the easier it is for me to fall into depression."

4/9/10
"...its so strange hovv history has been monopolized."

meh...
there is so much and I don´t really feel like typing it out right novv, i guess cause a lot of it is academic and im in more of an emotional mood.

I gave Jimmy my pictures from the past fevv days of vvork. in passing he said he really liked them so I am glad about that. I vvish I had a vvay to upload my pictures somevvhere. I left my cord in Cuzco so I used someone elses but only had time to get the relavent ones onto his computer.

I guess I just have to be really careful so I dont lose them.

Speaking of losing things...
uggh.
so yesterday after vvork I convinced Ben to go to the beach vvith me and I vvas so excited. I had this really strange, rare feeling that I get vvhen I knovv I am about to do something I might regret. The only thing I could prescribe to that feeling vvas that people from PSF had keep telling us hovv dangerous the beach is from muggings and stuff. But I couldn´t resist the ocean any longer because vve can see it from our hostal. VVe met up vvith into Gia vvho vvas running to the beach and she said she´d meet us there. VVe got to the sand and I ripped off my sandels and socks and pants and shirt and vvent in, follovved by Ben and then Gia (and the PSF dogs vvho had follovved us there). I vvas avvare that I vvas vvearing my glasses, but I got really distracted by something in my head and vvent deeper as this huge vvave came in. It knocked my off my feet and spun me around undervvater and I vvas so focused on keeping myself from being sucked out that vvhen I surfaced I didn´t think about my glasses. I didnt think about them until I regained balance and vvent under to vvash the sand off my body. I reached dovvn for them and obviously they vveren´t there. I slid my hands across the sand and put my face under but could tell as the vvaves jerked me around that they vveren´t going to be anyvvhere near me anymore.

I am mad at myself. It vvas a stupid decision to not take them off but I am trying to let it go. My other glasses are in Cuzco so it´s contacts from here on out unless i can get mom to find my prescription and send it to me. There are lots of eyeglasses places around and they are pretty cheap. It just sucks... that feeling vvhen you make a dumb mistake.

Ben is sick. I don´t feel too hot either. We (the double-u vvorked!!!! ...once) decided not to go to Huacachina vvith a group of volunteers like vve had planned.

I need to go lay dovvn.

"sometimes things get...vvhatever"

situations

can change interactions

and interactions

can change emotions

and emotions

can change situations.


and basically you just have to be careful vvith feelings
because they can change everything.
(?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have so many things to vvrite here. so many journal entries to type up. later though. too much more to experience novv.

PISCO

this is probably the coolest part of my life so far. i am so happy.


ahhh!! i cant even explain it.

today i did so much! its the first day of Pisco Sin Fronteras and after breakfast I ended up going to play at the childcare center. its the little playhouse in the middle of this suburb of houses made out of stravv (sorry, the double u on this keyboard only does its job sometimes) and the roofs are just like tarps. its a community of people, built after the earthquake destroyed their homes about 3 years ago. pretty much i just pushed kids on svvings and played vvith them in the sandbox (even though the vvhole place is pretty much a sandbox).

after that Karen (the other girl vvho vvorked vvith the kids) and i took a collectivo out through the neighborhood vvhich vvas just one of the most striking things i have ever seen.

then from plaza de armas vve took a tugtug (mototaxi) and the driver insisted that i give it a whirl. so he taught me hovv to drive a mototaxi vvhich vvas one of the coolest things ive ever done. i loved it. and i drove us back to PSF headquarters. so rad.

then i helped paint some tables they had built over the vveekend. the tables are for a school vve are helping to build. vve needed to build some for the hospital too so vve vvent to the vvood yard and got the pieces vve needed and started building the tables. my vvork included learning hovv to use a buzzsavv to cut the legs to length, removing old nails from the recycled vvood, and hammering the peices together. our table isnt quite done yet, but tomorrovv hopefully it vvill become a little more stablized.

at PSF there is also a team vvorking to create revenue for the organization by generating their ovv source of fuel (biodiesel) that vve use and sell. right novv they are contructing the shelter for that and if i get good enough at building tables i talked to the head of that project and he said i could help out there too. also they are building more rooms on top of the dorms and over the office, and building bunkbeds so i hope to help vvith that too.

other things i vvill be doing in the next fevv vveeks include digging holes for the foundation of houses, and pouring concrete floors for families.

this place is so cool. i am definately gonna come back for a more extended period of time, and if i hadnt made other plans i vvould be sticking around for a lot longer than a fevv vveeks. Ben and I arent living vvith the organization yet, but vve are in a hostel dovvn the street vvhich has vvorked out really vvell. except vve dont have a room key so vveve been climbing through the vvindovv.

pisco is avvesome. the market yesterday vvas the best one ive been to. and i am having such an amazing time vvith Ben. I am going to cherish these next fevv vveeks because i havent felt this incredible in so long and everything is just perfect right novv.

oh, and vve are right dovvn the street from the ocean so i can see and smell it. i havent been over there yet cause it is dangerous at night, but Ben and i are gonna check it out one of these days and i hope to get out there and svvim. vve also have some places vve vvant to go visit on the vveekends too vvhere there is sandboarding, surfing, and potentially some rock climbing.

running around

Today Ben and I are going to Pisco... that is, if i get everything done before the bus leaves. right now im waiting at the language school cause they didnt get my clothes washed on time. when they bring my clothes back from where ever they sent them i still have to go home, pack, say goodbye to my family, and then find a place to store some stuff all before 5. need to be at the bus station at 5:30 and we leave at six. we will be on that bus until 11am tomorrow....

its 3:30 right now and its gonna be a 30 minute wait. not impossible but i kinda feel like im running a marathon because i also had to go to Hampiland Clinic to figure out payment stuff and that was just fucking fantastic. i did pretty well translating what i needed to say into spanish, but they didnt want to give me the information i needed until i paid and i wasnt gonna pay until they gave me the information i needed. finally i got them to agree to email the info to dad, and told them i would pay when i get back from Pisco but it took a long time and a lot of arguing to come to that conclusion.


laundry is here!

*big sigh*

another brief one.

blahhhh


once again i dont really have time to blog. well... i might have time for a short one.

got sick for a day. well was up all night puking a couple days ago. not fun.
lived on jello for a day! now addicted.

tomorrow Ben and I are going to Pisco. Good news: there´s a hospital there!!! WOOOOO

Anyway, the organization has been really good about getting info to us about the work and what to bring and how to get there and such. so i am excited. ben and i bought our bus tickets today. the bus is like a greyhound sorta... so yea.

fuck
i have stuff to do to get ready and i wanna go dancing tonight. homework too.

ok, more later. maybe :/ sorry this is so scarcely interesting.

miss you all!

later

i need to write up the poem I wrote for Rudy.

Skype tonight with the fam.

Roots

So last night I went out with Ben. We met up with Ben Garrison, Harrison, and their friends. Then we went and hung out on this rock.



Annie showed up and we really wanted dancing. We ended up at this crowded club where Dan, Lazlo, Kate, T-shine and maybe some other people. I had fun dancing but everyone decided to go to another club where I didn´t have as much fun... I dont know why. I just got really frusterated with some shit. And I couldn´t get Calum to meet up with me. Laz handed me a drink and I really didn´t want it, but I drank a few sips then gave it to Ben. Decided that light-weight + unexperienced + altitude + alcohol is probably not the best idea. It was gross anyway.

Oh well, clubbing in Peru is FAR superior to clubbing in the states. They even played some Daft Punk.

Ben wanted to leave fairly shortly so I left too. He cabbed with me back to my place. We have been pretty careful about cabs after Ben Garrison was mugged the other day.

Anyway, I got home and Calum texted me and said he heard me come in and wanted to hang out so I went up to his room and we whisper-talked until like 3:30. Then I journaled and went to sleep.

By the way, I LOVE MY HAIRCUT. Zoe did a great job.

Don´t feel awesome today. Just... you know, normal emotional mood-swings that I get, combined with a bit of loneliness. I feel like I have lots of friends here now, but .. nevermind, I don´t want to talk about it.

I might go back to the cemetary today.

Oh, my teacher and I talked yesterday morning, before seminar. She just wanted to make sure I was doing alright after the couple hard weeks I had.

One more week of language school. Then off to the coast.

quick update

Finally got blogger to work.

Anyway...

I ate a cuy today! If you don´t know, a cuy is a specialty dish of Peru and is actually a guinea pig.
Miluska and Cesar (my host parents) got 3 cuys today from a friend be request of Anna. Anna invited Tim over and they split one. Calum and I split one and Cesar and Miluska split the third. I let Calum eat the head, an experience he seemed to enjoy much more than I would have. I ate everything except the head and bones... and liver which I couldnt get myself to do cause I was convinced it was the heart. Anyway. It was the best meal with the family so far because we all had so much fun. I havent laughed that hard in a long time. It let me really appreciate Miluska and Cesar more because they seemed to just open up and be happy and energetic and loving.

Anna is great too. She is headed to Pisac tomorrow so I wish I had gotten to know her better sooner, in the past quarters. She´s such a sweetheart. And it was nice to have Tim there for lunch. He´s a good guy, and he and Anna are adorable together. Calum is such a goof. He´s from England, another exchange student staying in the house. and he is just starting to learn Spanish so some of the things that come out of his mouth are hilarious. He´s also really a sweetheart. He walked me back to the hospital where I stayed last night. This time not for myself, but for Kelsey.

More later. I am going to Zoe´s to get my haircut.