vve do not call it the same...
and for that reason, maybe it isnt the same.

but it is...
it is, in some vvay.

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i stumbled across something tonight, and i dont vvant to say vvhat it vvas yet, but it inspired me. and even though most of my mind is occupied vvith the events of today, i feel like i am vvrite like i havent been able to for a vvhile. vvhat i mean by that is that my journaling and my blogging have been different lately. my approach to vvriting has been different. i think being barred from vvriting vvhile i vvas in the hospital and before my nevv journal came really threvv off a rhythm i had with it... i didn´t vvrite anything substantial or true to myself for about a vveek. it vvas quite a shocking experience actually. but i learned to vvork through some thoughts in my head and try to save them there rather than on the page. though i don´t think i can convey vvhat a strange thing that actually is to me.

anyvvay

i vvanted to talk about happiness. these past tvvo vveeks have the most consistently happy ive been for... a long time. maybe that is another reason i have had trouble vvriting. i am usually in such a different state of mind.

i vvanted to write something about grovvth and peace. and... vvell timing is a bitch because the night i feel i can write about these strange nevv emotions is also the night i am not feeling them. and well, i suppose i AM...
in myself... i feel the same sort of elation i have felt the past couple of vveeks. elation? i think i mean lightness. i feel not so vveighted in myself... my inadequacies. perhaps because my life has not been so centered around myself. it has had focus elsevvhere. if myself and my vvork is going into something beneficial then i am improved automatically. that actually does lead me into vvhat inspire this post vvhich vvas reading Becca´s blog, and her relationship vvith god. she explains it so vvell... her emotional and spiritual connections and committments. and i guess my relationship vvith the vvorld has changed too vvhich has relieved some of my guilt and some of my debt. i am not longer only being acted on; i too am an actor. something that has alvvays scared me. something i believed was not possible for me. i thought i vvould alvvays be on the sidelines. i thought i vvould never be that person vvho vvas doing something important or special or even cool. i alvvays thought i vvould alvvays look at others and vvish i didnt have that something missing that vvould allovv me to also follovv my dreams and desires and get to these places vvhere my gifts could be given, and vvhere others might even look at me and thin "i vvish i vvas like her." i mean, that is vvhy camp vvas a happy place for me. i had made it to a place vvhere at one point in the past i had looked up and said "i hope i am there someday, like her." and there vvere kids doing to same to me. it vvas finally like: yes. dreams, hopes, desires CAN come true.

minor things chipped avvay at the high and then one final blovv brought be crashing dovvn so hard i sunk belovv vvhere i had ever been before. those things included having to re-end my relationship vvith Matt vvhen i vvent back to evergreen, and losing a bit of touch vvith him. after all the joy he had given me, i felt i had let him dovvn. and after all my talk about hovv badly Ellie had hurt him, i felt i had done the same. guilt.
another thing vvas Grey. more guilt. some insecure part of me needed that fling SO bad. as wonderful as camp vvas, it vvas also hard vvord and having his support and his company to look forvvard to at the end of a hard day, or week, vvas vvhat i needed to make that part of my life perfect. i mean, vve had so much fun together finding vvays to get avvay from camp on TO and vveekends; writing eachother camp grams; getting snacks and gifts for eachother as pick-me-ups throughout the day. and i tried to vvarn him it couldnt be too much more than that... but maybe i let it be. and vvhen camp ended, i vvent immediately back to Matt. more guilt. in addition, i had this anticipation built up about leaving camp. i cried hard on the last day, not because of leaving friends, but because of hovv terrified i vvas about hovv far i vvas going to fall vvhen i stepped back out into my life. it sustained for a fevv vveeks, but i started getting bored back at school. i tried to get rid of my loneliness in little crushes and things to occupy my day. Mark. nothing for my self-esteem. but it didnt hurt too bad. it vvas something that ended itself easily enough. There vvas this vveek or so that i remember being pretty drawn to Ben too.

And then there vvas Clark. That vvhole incident shouldn´t have bothered me as much as it did, but i suppose it lead to everything that follovved. i vvouldnt have asked to talk to Zach if it vverent for overhearing Clark´s gossip, and so Zach never vvould have kissed me.
there vvas the hammer that sent it all crashing down. vvhatever semblance of self-respect or joy i had left from camp or any part of my life vvas pretty much demolished completely shortly after that maneauver. you vvere all there for thatcrash. you have some idea. and some of you have a better idea than others, but if you need more detail: it vvas lovver than age 13, and it for a time, it vvas even lower than June 2006.

vvhy does this all matter?

vvell you can see the pattern i fall into about self-vvorth (and boys) and... though its something i cannot yet say i have escaped because i have yet to experience the extent of that supposed unreliance, i do finally feel vvorth. and dont get all giddied-up about that cause im the same in a lot of vvays too. my mind often tvvists things from vvhat they are to something else in order to satisfy vvhat i need to believe about myself. and anyvvay, i dont want to get too deep into that because its a vvhole lot of psychology that i dont vvant to grope around in yet. superstitions.

but anyvvay... i have grovvn on this trip. i needed to do some severe growth especially in my mental/emotional-self, and also some honing of my physical comfort zones. check and check.

that is all you can ask though. grovvth. development. improvement. its almost the best you can ask for. and as Becca demonstrates and explains... vve have some seasons of more grovvth than others, and everything vve go through is part of the process of finding more of vvho vve are and hovv vve fit into this vvorld. things i knew, but... my for a vvhile my seasons seemed more like the doldrums of the sea, up and dovvn in the same pattern of gain and loss. and vvhat vvas nevv vvas alvvays overshadovved by something come up old and rotton and consuming.

and i think in a lot of vvays she and i are having these seasons in parallelity. the dichotomy is quite interesting. me: out exploring, seeing new things, meeting new people. her: sitting on a couch sick, returning to old things and people from her past. and yet, from vvhat ive read, vve are both experiencing this strange, sort-of unprecedented growth period in our understanding of ourselves, our relationships, and the vvorld.

and anyvvay. i have to vvake up in 5 hours and vvork all day, but... yea. sorry if this doesnt make sense. i am a bit out of practice like i said, and have a lot to catch up on and mull over in my mind. so i think my thoughts are all a bit sporadic and rambly and maybe not completely thought through.

oh man. sleep sounds good. i knovv i am going to be laying avvake thinking for a vvhile yet.
some things you can´t unsee.