may prove to be my greatest adversary. projects due 3 days in a row. scholarships due one of those days. time sheets due. rent due. sleep long overdue. class time. work time. climbing/sanity time? and my brain is already quitting cause I just haven't given it a break. writing tonight is not happening. although, if i fail at everything else i am probably a contender for the world's greatest editor, so at least i won't starve.
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I'm sick of people talking about how family values/structure and the marriage covenant is being broken because of "gays" and "liberals." Marriage has proven its failure on its own. And family? When adult siblings in "traditional families" can actually work through their differences and be civil to each other then maybe I will see what the big deal is with "traditional family" structure. I just don't understand why so many people are scrambling to protect something that doesn't really exist. Okay, that's obviously an exaggeration. And I know all this sounds fucked up coming from me, especially since my family has created the strongest bond between 5 people I have ever witnessed. I guess I don't mean to say that I have a problem with marriage or this idea of family, but I do have a problem with people thinking its the only way to live and trying to prevent others from branching out. There is no reason to force anyone to live under that structure when there are so many issues with it, and on such a large scale.
Hmm, I still feel like typing...
I guess I will just write about my day.
Had lecture and seminar. Seminar has been great these past two weeks, at least for me. Some of the discussion is dry but there have been really great connections made and I feel like I've been learning a great deal. I also gotta say, I love Aubrie. We've been working together in studio group since the beginning of last quarter and she is brilliant, vibrant and so awesome to work with. I will miss her when she leaves for Texas to go to grad school, but I know she is going to do such great things for the world its hard for me to be too sad about it. She and I are interested in similar techniques for dealing with social issues but also seem to balance each other out. I love that we both geek out about city planning stuff which we did for a bit after seminar today.
A bit later when I got home, Austin invited me to go climbing with he and Ross. We hit the gym for an hour but they got worn out fast, and I had to catch the bus to go to the Writing Center pizza party at Vic's. At the party I talked to people from the center who I hadn't interacted with much before; wonderful people who have so much passion for what they do and compassion for the people involved. I am overwhelmed by the love and intention that exists in our community of tutors/writers/dreamers/doers. The time together was great but everyone trickled out without a word about bowling. Soon enough it was just Cameron and I talking about our respective experiences in Peru, and Sandy and Michael joking about their business. We parted ways from them and went to the bus stop where we both awkwardly mused about how boring it would be to go home, so we decided to just go bowling together. There was a bit of a wait at the alley and the guy at the counter sent us to the bar saying the time would pass quicker if we just had a couple drinks. Cameron and I had just been talking about how I don't drink but we laughed our way to the bar where we sat down, declined drinks, watched the bartender do some tricks, and played a game with a ripped up coaster. Then we went bowling. Not the best of my games, particularly because of my ankle so Cameron taught me some different ways to stand when I throw the ball, but I often ended up defaulting to throwing it backwards through my legs (which was surprisingly fairly successful). After our games, we ran into a group of Andean Root-ers and Ben, and then Maddie, but instead of following her to the dubstep show, we sat at the bus stop and talked for what felt like hours until the bus came. Coulda sat there all night talking though.
When I got home... I don't know how to explain what happened, but basically I got really freaked out by my housemate. I got up to my room but couldn't relax. I had an intense feeling that something bad was about to happen either to me or to him. Nervously I went down to talk to him and we ended up having a really nice conversation, at the end of which he said he felt better. It was the longest talk we've ever had and I am glad to have finally gotten to know him. He also told me that our other housemate is moving out after February, so now I'm on the watch for someone to take his place.
Hmm, I think the theme today is conversation. The synapses that can manifest or show themselves between one another sometimes seem infinite. But so often I feel like we just don't listen enough. People enter a conversation with an agenda, and so often it would be better if we just threw that to the wind. This would help us listen with more intention and be more reflective about what we say before we say it.
We need to think about the kind of person we are, what kind of expectations we have, and how to open ourselves up to the possibility that the other person will conflict with us. And then, we need to listen to them to find out who they are. We need to be self-accountable. We need to learn the art of non-violent communication. We need to recognize the power of our ability to express what we feel to one another. We need to learn how to lay our walls down, lay our arms down, and have CONVERSATIONS. We need to respond to what the other person/people is/are saying by being thoughtful about the emotions involved on either side. And these interactions through words can't be the only basis of relationship. There has to be action too. The way someone treats a conversation with me is important to me. And I have been making an effort to converse in these ways that allows less to fall through the cracks. Conversation can open up doors. Can it slam them shut too?
Oh, one of the things Cameron and I were talking about is the idea of poly-amorous relationships. It seems healthier to me to be in relationships with multiple people and talking about it, than to be in a relationship with a single person and not talk about your feelings of wanting to be with other people. (What's that one Savage Garden lyric? "I believe that trust is more important than monogamy.") That's why I don't care about the stigma around it and I am interested in trying it out eventually; if the situation is right and everyone has talked clearly and reached a mutual understand of the relationship dynamics, then why not? The problem arises when people don't say how they feel, and when someone won't listen or be accountable for how their actions might affect another. But that's when any relationship stops being effective.
Ok. Have had my fix of typing. Don't know why it's so therapeutic to just outlet like this. Maybe its just the ability to focus on something without expectations about what it has to be. The rest of this weekend is about expectations and time lines. ...And family! Because I'm going to see them tomorrow!
I guess I will just write about my day.
Had lecture and seminar. Seminar has been great these past two weeks, at least for me. Some of the discussion is dry but there have been really great connections made and I feel like I've been learning a great deal. I also gotta say, I love Aubrie. We've been working together in studio group since the beginning of last quarter and she is brilliant, vibrant and so awesome to work with. I will miss her when she leaves for Texas to go to grad school, but I know she is going to do such great things for the world its hard for me to be too sad about it. She and I are interested in similar techniques for dealing with social issues but also seem to balance each other out. I love that we both geek out about city planning stuff which we did for a bit after seminar today.
A bit later when I got home, Austin invited me to go climbing with he and Ross. We hit the gym for an hour but they got worn out fast, and I had to catch the bus to go to the Writing Center pizza party at Vic's. At the party I talked to people from the center who I hadn't interacted with much before; wonderful people who have so much passion for what they do and compassion for the people involved. I am overwhelmed by the love and intention that exists in our community of tutors/writers/dreamers/doers. The time together was great but everyone trickled out without a word about bowling. Soon enough it was just Cameron and I talking about our respective experiences in Peru, and Sandy and Michael joking about their business. We parted ways from them and went to the bus stop where we both awkwardly mused about how boring it would be to go home, so we decided to just go bowling together. There was a bit of a wait at the alley and the guy at the counter sent us to the bar saying the time would pass quicker if we just had a couple drinks. Cameron and I had just been talking about how I don't drink but we laughed our way to the bar where we sat down, declined drinks, watched the bartender do some tricks, and played a game with a ripped up coaster. Then we went bowling. Not the best of my games, particularly because of my ankle so Cameron taught me some different ways to stand when I throw the ball, but I often ended up defaulting to throwing it backwards through my legs (which was surprisingly fairly successful). After our games, we ran into a group of Andean Root-ers and Ben, and then Maddie, but instead of following her to the dubstep show, we sat at the bus stop and talked for what felt like hours until the bus came. Coulda sat there all night talking though.
When I got home... I don't know how to explain what happened, but basically I got really freaked out by my housemate. I got up to my room but couldn't relax. I had an intense feeling that something bad was about to happen either to me or to him. Nervously I went down to talk to him and we ended up having a really nice conversation, at the end of which he said he felt better. It was the longest talk we've ever had and I am glad to have finally gotten to know him. He also told me that our other housemate is moving out after February, so now I'm on the watch for someone to take his place.
Hmm, I think the theme today is conversation. The synapses that can manifest or show themselves between one another sometimes seem infinite. But so often I feel like we just don't listen enough. People enter a conversation with an agenda, and so often it would be better if we just threw that to the wind. This would help us listen with more intention and be more reflective about what we say before we say it.
We need to think about the kind of person we are, what kind of expectations we have, and how to open ourselves up to the possibility that the other person will conflict with us. And then, we need to listen to them to find out who they are. We need to be self-accountable. We need to learn the art of non-violent communication. We need to recognize the power of our ability to express what we feel to one another. We need to learn how to lay our walls down, lay our arms down, and have CONVERSATIONS. We need to respond to what the other person/people is/are saying by being thoughtful about the emotions involved on either side. And these interactions through words can't be the only basis of relationship. There has to be action too. The way someone treats a conversation with me is important to me. And I have been making an effort to converse in these ways that allows less to fall through the cracks. Conversation can open up doors. Can it slam them shut too?
Oh, one of the things Cameron and I were talking about is the idea of poly-amorous relationships. It seems healthier to me to be in relationships with multiple people and talking about it, than to be in a relationship with a single person and not talk about your feelings of wanting to be with other people. (What's that one Savage Garden lyric? "I believe that trust is more important than monogamy.") That's why I don't care about the stigma around it and I am interested in trying it out eventually; if the situation is right and everyone has talked clearly and reached a mutual understand of the relationship dynamics, then why not? The problem arises when people don't say how they feel, and when someone won't listen or be accountable for how their actions might affect another. But that's when any relationship stops being effective.
Ok. Have had my fix of typing. Don't know why it's so therapeutic to just outlet like this. Maybe its just the ability to focus on something without expectations about what it has to be. The rest of this weekend is about expectations and time lines. ...And family! Because I'm going to see them tomorrow!
I know the world is constantly in flux, but its been more noticeable lately.
Life's been hard these past few weeks, but its been better. Things have been happening that have shifted everything from beneath me. The intensity of the shift has me shaken but as I wander on this new piece of ground, I am finding things I like, things I have been looking for. Possibilities. People. Old things I thought were lost, and new things I didn't know to exist.
Today and yesterday have surely thrown me for a loop. A positive one mostly, even though yesterday sucked. It was just about perspective, I guess. And its okay, I just need to do what I need to do. And what I need to do is good. I am so lucky: I get to be in school, have a job in a shitty economy, have the opportunity to have someone give me money to go somewhere. Its fills out my days working on all of this, but I need to stop thinking about it "taking time." It isn't. It is how I am spending my life. Again, I am so lucky. I get to choose how to spend my time. This is what I choose. I should be happy about it, and I am. I am tired, but that's because I am working hard. I'm doing positive things for myself AND for the world.
And... I am making new friends, finding new things I like to do, and discovering new ways to be in the world.
Life's been hard these past few weeks, but its been better. Things have been happening that have shifted everything from beneath me. The intensity of the shift has me shaken but as I wander on this new piece of ground, I am finding things I like, things I have been looking for. Possibilities. People. Old things I thought were lost, and new things I didn't know to exist.
Today and yesterday have surely thrown me for a loop. A positive one mostly, even though yesterday sucked. It was just about perspective, I guess. And its okay, I just need to do what I need to do. And what I need to do is good. I am so lucky: I get to be in school, have a job in a shitty economy, have the opportunity to have someone give me money to go somewhere. Its fills out my days working on all of this, but I need to stop thinking about it "taking time." It isn't. It is how I am spending my life. Again, I am so lucky. I get to choose how to spend my time. This is what I choose. I should be happy about it, and I am. I am tired, but that's because I am working hard. I'm doing positive things for myself AND for the world.
And... I am making new friends, finding new things I like to do, and discovering new ways to be in the world.
"She's amazing. If you don't believe me check her skeechbook!"
-Tyler, impersonating Nelson.
-Tyler, impersonating Nelson.
it has to be possible to be a vegetarian and a successful climber at the same time.
but not if i don't have time to feed myself well everyday, or climb frequently enough to keep in shape.
but i might as well cut out half of my heart if i had to give up one or the other. and being mediocre on both is hell too.
whatever... it was just a bad day.
that's what i have to think.
but not if i don't have time to feed myself well everyday, or climb frequently enough to keep in shape.
but i might as well cut out half of my heart if i had to give up one or the other. and being mediocre on both is hell too.
whatever... it was just a bad day.
that's what i have to think.
I could honestly write an essay about the conflict between my stack of work and my frame of time. That would be quite counter-productive, and I already know I'm preaching to the choir; time is in constant demand. I should just submit myself to this week of looking and feeling like a zombie. Hopefully my effort will start equating to progress. I've been running up hill and not getting anywhere. No. I've been running up hill and it keeps getting taller.
"What?! I like T-Pain!"
-Tyler
-Tyler
hahahahahahahhahaha
best time in a long time.
Elissa, Ari (different Ari; I will call her RE because of her earrings)... So Elissa, Re and I went to the Museum of Glass in Tacoma. (So much awe). And then to Puget Sound Pizza. PIZ.ZA! (oh, words today...)
And I got a lesson on different types of beer in an underground bar, as I sipped my sprite.
Then, laughing all the way, mooned boys on the highway and sang The Dog Days are Over.
and...
oh-donny. I need to do work, not blog.
Damn. Goodnight.
But damn! good night!
Yea, a damn-good night.
^_^
we must reveal our faces to show that we love.
we must reveal our scars to show that we understand.
---------------------------------------------
we must resolve to release our resolve.
we must learn to listen, and learn.
---------------------------------------------
we must accept that we are not alone in feeling,
but that we are alone in choosing.
but that we are alone in choosing.
---------------------------------------------
i must realize that i have a choice to not do what i say i must,
but then i must still do it.
---------------------------------------------
i must not be afraid of my words if there is thought behind them.
i must not be afraid of my thoughts.
---------------------------------------------
i must not be afraid to be afraid
i must not be afraid to be myself
---------------------------------------------
i must not worry about these contradictions.
i must not delete all of this...
Travis Barker has said, "I tattooed my body so I couldn't fall back on anything. I purposely did that so I couldn't get a normal job and live a normal life. I did it so I had to play music."
complete mental block
verge of breakdown
passing out now
verge of breakdown
passing out now
Because loving someone makes you powerless. You will love them no matter what. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how little it changes.
I just talked to Madelyn! On the phone! Hadn't heard her voice since I left Charleston, West Virginia at the beginning of August.
But now...
*beams*
since we determined it a bit brash for her to drive 2.5 hours to see me between class tomorrow, and a similar level of over-the-top for me to skip class, we instead developed our plans to go to Sasquatch this Spring. Then (upon realizing how many hundreds of dollars we would spew for 24 hours of traveling, camping, and festival-ing) we instead decided on Folklife. Free festival-ing! along with plenty of free, nearby couches (sailboats) to crash on. May 27th! And I'm already itching with anticipation.
So since I'm planning on being here in May, I suppose this means I have set my sights on postponing my return to Peru until next fall. Tyler's been doing a lot of reading from Andean Roots books, and we have been practicing Spanish together because he really wants to come with. We are still looking for two more people to join us; I've asked Eric and Elissa, and Tyler is asking Will and Markleigh. I remembered that last year Martha said she would be my contract sponsor. So its coming together piece by piece.
Tonight I have been working on scholarship applications that will help me pay for that very trip! Now when I say "working" I mean going out to dinner with Ariel and Carolyn; driving to another town; shopping for outfits for the going-away/girls-night/lingerie party on Friday; talking to Madelyn on the phone; (here's where we get to the productive part) receiving emails from Nelson and Rachel confirming that I DO have people to write my recommendations; thinking about how to get those people the information they need to write them; reading my applications from last year; opening a word document to start drafting my new personal essay (cause my old one was crap); and then writing this blog (which is productive because it helps me offload all the things that are pressing on my mind).
About the rest of my day...
After class I had a mini snow(slush/ice) ball fight with Ty and Eric (and some random guy who tried to get me after the fight when my back was turned). I went climbing even though my foot (not my ankles) is killing me for some reason. Two days of unusually successful and intense climbing in a row = awesome. Only one back landing = better than more than one bad landing. Though I shouldn't have been climbing that V5 anyway o.O
By the way: Biceps. Fuck yea.
After climbing Ty walked me to work and we ran into a health and fitness celebration thing in the foyer of the library building. So, instead of getting to work on-time I honed/showed-off my juggling skills. And after I checked in at work to make sure I didn't have an immediate session, I grabbed Elissa and ran back out to teach her how to do it.
I planned to use the rest of the hour for reading, but fell asleep for 10 minutes (first time that has ever happened at work, by the way). Then Rebecca wanted us to do OWL training (not what it sounds like, but still pretty cool). For the last hour of work I had a session with a grad student and because we were on such a role together I stayed late to finish up our process (which evens-out since I was late). Anyway, I really enjoyed the session and I freaking love my job. The Writing Center is so bad-ass.
After work I went into the CAB where they've hung all the design plans from the renovation. Very relevant to our lecture today and our seminar book about dialogue between client and architect (Design through Dialogue is the title). The CAB plans discussed all the avenues in which they got the community involved in the redesign process as part of their brief, and they showed all the architectural drawings and LEED certification information, ect. (Can you say "Worklog material", cause I can!)
Anyway, with all these distractions I didn't get everything done that I had planned to taday. But spontaneity can be healthy, and Ari is moving away on Saturday so it was more important to have some time with her. Tomorrow I will be productive. Friday I will be fun. And the rest of the weekend I will nest in my room and read the massive amounts of text that has been assigned for next week.
But now...
*beams*
since we determined it a bit brash for her to drive 2.5 hours to see me between class tomorrow, and a similar level of over-the-top for me to skip class, we instead developed our plans to go to Sasquatch this Spring. Then (upon realizing how many hundreds of dollars we would spew for 24 hours of traveling, camping, and festival-ing) we instead decided on Folklife. Free festival-ing! along with plenty of free, nearby couches (sailboats) to crash on. May 27th! And I'm already itching with anticipation.
So since I'm planning on being here in May, I suppose this means I have set my sights on postponing my return to Peru until next fall. Tyler's been doing a lot of reading from Andean Roots books, and we have been practicing Spanish together because he really wants to come with. We are still looking for two more people to join us; I've asked Eric and Elissa, and Tyler is asking Will and Markleigh. I remembered that last year Martha said she would be my contract sponsor. So its coming together piece by piece.
Tonight I have been working on scholarship applications that will help me pay for that very trip! Now when I say "working" I mean going out to dinner with Ariel and Carolyn; driving to another town; shopping for outfits for the going-away/girls-night/lingerie party on Friday; talking to Madelyn on the phone; (here's where we get to the productive part) receiving emails from Nelson and Rachel confirming that I DO have people to write my recommendations; thinking about how to get those people the information they need to write them; reading my applications from last year; opening a word document to start drafting my new personal essay (cause my old one was crap); and then writing this blog (which is productive because it helps me offload all the things that are pressing on my mind).
About the rest of my day...
After class I had a mini snow(slush/ice) ball fight with Ty and Eric (and some random guy who tried to get me after the fight when my back was turned). I went climbing even though my foot (not my ankles) is killing me for some reason. Two days of unusually successful and intense climbing in a row = awesome. Only one back landing = better than more than one bad landing. Though I shouldn't have been climbing that V5 anyway o.O
By the way: Biceps. Fuck yea.
After climbing Ty walked me to work and we ran into a health and fitness celebration thing in the foyer of the library building. So, instead of getting to work on-time I honed/showed-off my juggling skills. And after I checked in at work to make sure I didn't have an immediate session, I grabbed Elissa and ran back out to teach her how to do it.
I planned to use the rest of the hour for reading, but fell asleep for 10 minutes (first time that has ever happened at work, by the way). Then Rebecca wanted us to do OWL training (not what it sounds like, but still pretty cool). For the last hour of work I had a session with a grad student and because we were on such a role together I stayed late to finish up our process (which evens-out since I was late). Anyway, I really enjoyed the session and I freaking love my job. The Writing Center is so bad-ass.
After work I went into the CAB where they've hung all the design plans from the renovation. Very relevant to our lecture today and our seminar book about dialogue between client and architect (Design through Dialogue is the title). The CAB plans discussed all the avenues in which they got the community involved in the redesign process as part of their brief, and they showed all the architectural drawings and LEED certification information, ect. (Can you say "Worklog material", cause I can!)
Anyway, with all these distractions I didn't get everything done that I had planned to taday. But spontaneity can be healthy, and Ari is moving away on Saturday so it was more important to have some time with her. Tomorrow I will be productive. Friday I will be fun. And the rest of the weekend I will nest in my room and read the massive amounts of text that has been assigned for next week.
"The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt."
-- Frederick Buechner
Somehow, without much intention, I have written a good deal of my book in the past week. And by a "good deal" I mean (realistically) about two pages max. But for not trying, that's substantial. If I am being honest with myself this might end up being an endeavor of a decade or more. I should probably read some books on writing books. I feel so in over my head with it. And its always going to be at the back burner. I feel that I will never be able to commit myself to sit still for a long enough chunk of my life to make it my first priority. Besides, I don't think that is what writing a book is about. Not this one. Because it is about...
It doesn't matter here.
I'm getting there.
Anyway, for now life is going to be more writing intensive. Working on scholarship applications, worklogs, tutor reflection(s), this, that, notes, journals, blogs. I need to go deep into putting words to my thoughts because there is much swirling in my head; I need to be more focused on developing all of it into meaningful ideas rather than fragments of thought.
Though, I can't seem to fight the feeling that everything is fragmented right now (even if that is a fallacy of the mind, Nygil ---I don't quite know how to incorporate your words into my life yet especially when I feel so powerfully drained). I'm exhausted no matter how much I sleep. My interactions are face-value because I don't want or trust anything more than that right now. I'm overcome with bifurcating emotions pulling me in opposite directions...
whatever
--------------------------------------------------------
If the other's vitality is our own, then aren't you too drained, and aren't I also bursting?
It doesn't matter here.
I'm getting there.
Anyway, for now life is going to be more writing intensive. Working on scholarship applications, worklogs, tutor reflection(s), this, that, notes, journals, blogs. I need to go deep into putting words to my thoughts because there is much swirling in my head; I need to be more focused on developing all of it into meaningful ideas rather than fragments of thought.
Though, I can't seem to fight the feeling that everything is fragmented right now (even if that is a fallacy of the mind, Nygil ---I don't quite know how to incorporate your words into my life yet especially when I feel so powerfully drained). I'm exhausted no matter how much I sleep. My interactions are face-value because I don't want or trust anything more than that right now. I'm overcome with bifurcating emotions pulling me in opposite directions...
whatever
--------------------------------------------------------
If the other's vitality is our own, then aren't you too drained, and aren't I also bursting?
but can wholeness be attained in piecing together our shattered states,
being careful enough in our rebuilding
that our rough
edges do not pierce
and drain the other of such vitality?
being careful enough in our rebuilding
that our rough
edges do not pierce
and drain the other of such vitality?
we don't act with enough
care
in this world of fragmented things coming together at speed.
all else may be sharp in the dark surrounding
and we could be so soft
to embrace our partners, and share in
the warmth that exists and
exudes from within us; self-defined, naturally-designed.
our hearts could be cups infinitely
filled with forgiveness and love.
care
in this world of fragmented things coming together at speed.
all else may be sharp in the dark surrounding
and we could be so soft
to embrace our partners, and share in
the warmth that exists and
exudes from within us; self-defined, naturally-designed.
our hearts could be cups infinitely
filled with forgiveness and love.
being loyal
and
loving
unconditionally --
we don't know how to allow this.
we are afraid of this feeling,
and unconditional does not mean reciprocal
and that even if we are light
"the darkness around us is deep"
so even if i love you
and forgive you
what is our friendship if i can not trust or respect you
except a mutual loss of faith in the tenor of our interaction?
and
loving
unconditionally --
we don't know how to allow this.
we are afraid of this feeling,
and unconditional does not mean reciprocal
and that even if we are light
"the darkness around us is deep"
so even if i love you
and forgive you
what is our friendship if i can not trust or respect you
except a mutual loss of faith in the tenor of our interaction?
"I help the world
by keeping my mind still,
not indulging in emotions
that cycle endlessly,
and going deeper
...into the consciousness that I am.
As I become more peaceful,
I contribute to peace in the world."
Sarah Banker
this is a goal and i've never been nearer to or further from it.
i am too disgusted to be peaceful. i will work on that.
by keeping my mind still,
not indulging in emotions
that cycle endlessly,
and going deeper
...into the consciousness that I am.
As I become more peaceful,
I contribute to peace in the world."
Sarah Banker
this is a goal and i've never been nearer to or further from it.
i am too disgusted to be peaceful. i will work on that.
