"You Are Brilliant, and the Earth is Hiring"

Paul Hawken's Commencement Address University of Portland, May 3rd, 2009
"When I was invited to give this speech, I was asked if I could give a simple short talk that was "direct, naked, taut, honest, passionate, lean, shivering, startling, and graceful." Boy, no pressure there. But let's begin with the startling part. Hey, Class of 2009: you are going to have to figure out what it means to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of decline is accelerating. Kind of a mind-boggling situation - but not one peer-reviewed paper published in the last thirty years can refute that statement. Basically, the earth needs a new operating system, you are the programmers, and we need it within a few decades. This planet came with a set of operating instructions, but we seem to have misplaced them. Important rules like don't poison the water, soil, or air, and don't let the earth get overcrowded, and don't touch the thermostat have been broken. Buckminster Fuller said that spaceship earth was so ingeniously designed that no one has a clue that we are on one, flying through the universe at a million miles per hour, with no need for seatbelts, lots of room in coach, and really good food - but all that is changing. There is invisible writing on the back of the diploma you will receive, and in case you didn't bring lemon juice to decode it, I can tell you what it says: YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND THE EARTH IS HIRING. The earth couldn't afford to send any recruiters or limos to your school. It sent you rain, sunsets, ripe cherries, night blooming jasmine, and that unbelievably cute person you are dating. Take the hint. And here's the deal: Forget that this task of planet-saving is not possible in the time required. Don't be put off by people who know what is not possible. Do what needs to be done, and check to see if it was impossible only after you are done. When asked if I am pessimistic or optimistic about the future, my answer is always the same: If you look at the science about what is happening on earth and aren't pessimistic, you don't understand data. But if you meet the people who are working to restore this earth and the lives of the poor, and you aren't optimistic, you haven't got a pulse. What I see everywhere in the world are ordinary people willing to confront despair, power, and incalculable odds in order to restore some semblance of grace, justice, and beauty to this world. The poet Adrienne Rich wrote, "So much has been destroyed I have cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world." There could be no better description. Humanity is coalescing. It is reconstituting the world, and the action is taking place in schoolrooms, farms, jungles, villages, campuses, companies, refuge camps, deserts, fisheries, and slums. You join a multitude of caring people. No one knows how many groups and organizations are 1 working on the most salient issues of our day: climate change, poverty, deforestation, peace, water, hunger, conservation, human rights, and more. This is the largest movement the world has ever seen. Rather than control, it seeks connection. Rather than dominance, it strives to disperse concentrations of power. Like Mercy Corps, it works behind the scenes and gets the job done. Large as it is, no one knows the true size of this movement. It provides hope, support, and meaning to billions of people in the world. Its clout resides in idea, not in force. It is made up of teachers, children, peasants, businesspeople, rappers, organic farmers, nuns, artists, government workers, fisherfolk, engineers, students, incorrigible writers, weeping Muslims, concerned mothers, poets, doctors without borders, grieving Christians, street musicians, the President of the United States of America, and as the writer David James Duncan would say, the Creator, the One who loves us all in such a huge way. There is a rabbinical teaching that says if the world is ending and the Messiah arrives, first plant a tree, and then see if the story is true. Inspiration is not garnered from the litanies of what may befall us; it resides in humanity's willingness to restore, redress, reform, rebuild, recover, reimagine, and reconsider. "One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice," is Mary Oliver's description of moving away from the profane toward a deep sense of connectedness to the living world. Millions of people are working on behalf of strangers, even if the evening news is usually about the death of strangers. This kindness of strangers has religious, even mythic origins, and very specific eighteenth-century roots. Abolitionists were the first people to create a national and global movement to defend the rights of those they did not know. Until that time, no group had filed a grievance except on behalf of itself. The founders of this movement were largely unknown - Granville Clark, Thomas Clarkson, Josiah Wedgwood - and their goal was ridiculous on the face of it: at that time three out of four people in the world were enslaved. Enslaving each other was what human beings had done for ages. And the abolitionist movement was greeted with incredulity. Conservative spokesmen ridiculed the abolitionists as liberals, progressives, do-gooders, meddlers, and activists. They were told they would ruin the economy and drive England into poverty. But for the first time in history a group of people organized themselves to help people they would never know, from whom they would never receive direct or indirect benefit. And today tens of millions of people do this every day. It is called the world of non-profits, civil society, schools, social entrepreneurship, and non-governmental organizations, of companies who place social and environmental justice at the top of their strategic goals. The scope and scale of this effort is unparalleled in history. The living world is not "out there" somewhere, but in your heart. What do we know about life? In the words of biologist Janine Benyus, life creates the conditions that are conducive to life. I can think of no better motto for a future economy. We have tens of thousands of abandoned homes without people and tens of thousands of abandoned people without homes. We have failed bankers advising failed regulators on how to save failed assets. Think about this: we are the only species on this planet without full employment. Brilliant. We have an economy that tells us that it 2 is cheaper to destroy earth in real time than to renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money to bail out a bank but you can't print life to bail out a planet. At present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product. We can just as easily have an economy that is based on healing the future instead of stealing it. We can either create assets for the future or take the assets of the future. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold suffering. Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich. The first living cell came into being nearly 40 million centuries ago, and its direct descendants are in all of our bloodstreams. Literally you are breathing molecules this very second that were inhaled by Moses, Mother Teresa, and Bono. We are vastly interconnected. Our fates are inseparable. We are here because the dream of every cell is to become two cells. In each of you are one quadrillion cells, 90 percent of which are not human cells. Your body is a community, and without those other microorganisms you would perish in hours. Each human cell has 400 billion molecules conducting millions of processes between trillions of atoms. The total cellular activity in one human body is staggering: one septillion actions at any one moment, a one with twenty-four zeros after it. In a millisecond, our body has undergone ten times more processes than there are stars in the universe - exactly what Charles Darwin foretold when he said science would discover that each living creature was a "little universe, formed of a host of self-propagating organisms, inconceivably minute and as numerous as the stars of heaven." So I have two questions for you all: First, can you feel your body? Stop for a moment. Feel your body. One septillion activities going on simultaneously, and your body does this so well you are free to ignore it, and wonder instead when this speech will end. Second question: who is in charge of your body? Who is managing those molecules? Hopefully not a political party. Life is creating the conditions that are conducive to life inside you, just as in all of nature. What I want you to imagine is that collectively humanity is evincing a 20 deep innate wisdom in coming together to heal the wounds and insults of the past. Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would become religious overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead the stars come out every night, and we watch television. This extraordinary time when we are globally aware of each other and the multiple dangers that threaten civilization has never happened, not in a thousand years, not in ten thousand years. Each of us is as complex and beautiful as all the stars in the universe. We have done great things and we have gone way off course in terms of honoring creation. You are graduating to the most amazing, challenging, stupefying challenge ever bequested to any generation. The generations before you failed. They didn't stay up all night. They got distracted and lost sight of the fact that life is a miracle every moment of your existence. Nature beckons you to be on her side. You couldn't ask for a better boss. The most unrealistic person in the world is the cynic, not the dreamer. Hopefulness only makes sense when it doesn't make sense to be hopeful. This is your century. Take it and run as if your life depends on it."

"saw you the other day..."

i just got back from an amazing run! I added both my extensions onto my usual route. So I went out from the apartments to Driftwood Road, and ran until the turn that leads to the roundabout. I followed that road back around to the field, but ran up to the daycare center, and though the parking lots on upper campus to the service road. Then I turned down the trail to the Organic Farm, and ran down there. From the farm, I turned left onto whatever road that is and turned onto the beginning of Driftwood and followed that back to where I started. Then I passed my apartment and ran around the field once til I got to my old apartment, where I slowed to a walk until I got back to my apartment and stretched.

It was amazing. I didn't even get winded until I was going up the hill on Driftwood, but I still had too much energy to stop there, so I started running faster (I was listening to The Tempest by Pendulum which helps so much when I need a boost).

Anywho. I feel so great right now, even though school is already stressing me out. I need to shower so Alicia and I can go eat. ^_^

"my bright is to slight to hold back all my dark" (maybe)

There is so much to write.



Let's start with yesterday:

I went on an amazing run. Maybe I just run so I can feel less guilt about eating. And probably also because half my pants dont fit anymore.... apparently the 15 pounds I gained over the summer all went to my ass.

For whatever reason I was motivated to run a mile more than my normal route, I did it. And it hurt. But then it felt great.



Then I went to eat, but the Greenery was closed. I ran into Alicia and she came with me to get pizza at the Market. We walked back to my apartment and I took a shower. We went into town to Goodwill so I could get some shirts to cut up, and experiment with using that book my mom got me. When we got back to campus she went to dinner at the Greenery and I went to Tyler's where we watched part of the Terminator and most of Top Gun, while Zach made us dinner. Dinner was wonderful: Meatloaf, asparagus, and fruit salad. Alicia joined us for Top Gun. Then the guys were gonna go to a Frisbee party, so Alicia and I went to wait for her mom to come get her. We hung out, spying on people from her 5th story window. Then we went to my place and I started making some leggings out of the teeshirts I bought. After she was picked up, i finished the leggings, and went on a walk with Tyler. We ended up working on a puzzle that their RA gave them for a competition. We had some really pointless conversation, for which I was arguing just for the sake of being a pain in the ass. I dont even remember what the premise was. We did good on the puzzle. At about 2, they went to bed cause they had a tournement today. I came back, and wrote on here.

Some guy came to the door and I opened the door without checking, which could have been a mistake. The guy was drunk and high and thought this was a different apartment than it was. He tried to kinda weasle his way in but I told him he had the wrong place and shut the door.
He came back like an hour later and Em woke up. I told her not to open the door and he heard me and begged to come in and find his backpack. She cussed him out and told him she would call police services. He left.
I went to bed.

This morning I slept in. Went to the Greenery... and I dont feel like getting into that story again. But on my way out of that situation, I ran into Ben and Rob and their friends, and they asked where I was going and what was wrong, but I was just too mad to give a sane answer. They didnt follow me. But later they both made an effort to make sure I was okay. Anyway. There was no one on campus I could think to go talk to. I felt trapped and alone. Alicia is gone, and so was Tyler, though even if he was around, he wasnt the ideal person to talk to at that specific moment.
Anyway... I finally got back to my apartment, threw my shit down and went and cried to Ariel. She was really sweet about it, and actually ended up being the right person to talk to, cause she understood why I was so upset, and she decided to take me to a movie and lunch, her treat. (She ROCKS, btw.) We ended up going to Johnny Rockets, and seeing Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs. At the restaurant, Aja was working and so I talked with her, mentioning Nygil, and she told me to tell him Hi for her. I think she is adorable. She was so apoligetic about them running out of class cups and giving me a compostable one. hahaha. What a sweatheart.

The movie was fantastic. I laughed and laughed and laughed and almost cried. And I saw it with the right person for sure, cause we both laughed at absolutely everything. It was... a beautiful couple of hours.
We also decided that the theater was definately good enough to see New Moon in, so we ended up buying our tickets!!! GAAAHH I am so fucking stoked.
We already have a tenative plan for that night, aside from how we are getting back to Evergreen at 2am that morning. xD
I donno who else is coming, but they better buy their tickets fast, cause they are going.

Oh, and even before New Moon, Where the Wild Thing Are comes out. I am sooooo excited for that too! The trailer is... stunning.

Anyway, we got back to campus, and she made a pizza. Then Mark, from next door, came over asking for cake. And so we all ate cake. And he told us about a show he was going to. I probably should have gone too... but I was pretty emotionally drained, and not really feeling music blasting in my ears. Next weekend I hope to do something fun like that though.

But yea, Ariel have just been chillin, listening to music in her room. She is altering a shirt from the book.

I might go talk to Tyler when he is back from his tournement afterparty, but I dont really even know if the Greenery thing is even significant enough to bring up. Plus... it almost has less to do with him, and more to do with his friends, and also, how I over-react to bullshit.

Whatever.

Oh, one more thing.
I got two packages yesterday. One was books for school, forwarded by my mom, and a beautiful note that she wrote me.
The other was a book that my Aunt sent me. She is my dad's sister, but she is friends with me on facebook and had read one of my blogs, and sent me a really sweet message about a month ago, telling me she was going to send me this book called "Let Your Life Speak." She sent that, stationary, a pen, a thick mailing envelope, stamps, and a little notebook. It was truely touching. I've only met the woman like once.

Anywho.
So there is the good and bad of the past few days.
Nygil didnt come today, but he AND Sean will be here tomorrow, so that is pretty cool. Im excited to give him a hug. :P

"there's no secrets this year..."

I'm feeling nauseous again...
but now its for a different reason.

When you feel physical pain, you wish that it was emotional pain, because you feel like you can control or deal with that better.
But at least physical pain doesn't attack your character.
Doesn't destroy what once was real to you.

You can't unhear things.
That idea pissed me off enough when I heard some Twilight spoilers.
But... when you hear someone talking about your life, so freely, as if they know who you are, and they know the questions you have about things that happened, and they know how to get to your heart...
that's a whole different story.
its like... the cliche high school scene in some teen soap opera when the girl overhears her new cheerleaders "friends" talking shit about her in the hall.

I was sitting right there, right in the sunlight, 20 feet from them.
He was speaking loud enough for me to hear, so either he knew I was there, or he just didnt care to look around.

fuck.
I just HAD to get to the Greenery early.
I just HAD to sit outside.


its funny, because last night, and all week really, i thought these were the people I would spend most of my time with this year.
now i get why they don't mind my presence.
I can boost their egos cause i'm a girl, without being intimidating in any way, cause im just too fucking plain.
its now clear enough that invitations were more of sympathy cards anyway.

so fuck that.
fuck them.
im fucking better than that. way fucking better.



... after listening to the conversation until it was over.
i didnt know if i should sit there and pretend not to exist,
or walk out with my hair covering my face...
i was gonna be sick, so i quickly and quietly grabbed my still-full plate, my half empty glass of water, and slipped my flip flops on. i walked past them with my hair falling in the way, but i peaked through the strands, and the gossiper was hanging his head.
maybe out of shame, maybe he noticed me.
but more likely, he was feeling the warmth of sun on he back, a reward for putting me back in my place.


i honestly don't know what to feel about myself.
or him,
or you,
or any of them.


as much as i love my roommates, and my room, and as much as i will enjoy my classes and my job... i want to be in Peru. At least then if people talk about me, i cant understand what they are saying.

"we kiss on the mouth..."

"...but still cough down our sleeves."



yup.

that pretty much sums it up.


------------
I forgot everything I wanted to write.
I guess I wanted to talk about my dream the other night... so fucked up (I will probably write about it later). I woke up disillusioned.

Then, I had to go to the last day of training for the internship, and we were at the organic farmhouse. yeaa. It was boring, but I was finding interest in it, and would have gotten along fine until some cramps started coming on. I dug through my bag and emerged with two advil. yea... not enough. But i took em, and kept drinking water, but the pain only worsened and worsened. It was... horrific actually, if I had to describe it in a word. I was practically in tears trying to hold back my screams of pain, along with the agony of knowing I still had an hour and a half until I could start the 20 minute walk back to my bed, where I could turn on my electric blanket and writhe in pain freely. I didnt want to get up, and worry the whole class by bolting out the door. I pinched myself to try to redirect my pain sensors, stretched my legs, i scribbled madly on my page to try to relax my lower body. Nothing... just more and more and more pain.

As chance goes, the supervisors announced a 5 minute break about .5 seconds before I would have collapsed to the floor...
At that time, I did literally bolt to the bathroom where I could at least puke if I needed to. I felt nauseous, dizzy. My pants were constricting my legs, and the pain had spread from my abdomin down into my thighs (which hurt already because I had run a couple miles the day before.) I gagged a couple times, and lost my balance for a minute... once I got out of there (which was an endeavor in itself because the toilet wouldnt flush), I limped outside and began pacing up and down a hill, trying to disperse the pain, or at least keep my mind elsewhere. Nothing worked. With fervor, but no real purpose, I quickly made my way to the kitchen and paced in there. Hot cold hot cold. My body couldnt decide. I had left my long-sleeved shirt at my table because I had been burning up. Now I was shivering. Tears welling up. No one noticed.

I tried to get Sandy's attention, and waiting for her conversation to be done as I tried to keep cool. I went onto the porch and leaned over when the nausea came back. Finally she was free. She asked what was up and I choked out "I think Im gonna be sick."
What? what's wrong?
Cramps. *tears start streaming*
Oh... go sit down outside. I will get you water.

She tells me not to come in when they reconviene. I couldnt have anyway. I literally felt like I was going to die. I was burning up, but my body temperature must have dropped cause I was shivering like mad and started practically convulsing, rolling around on this porch, breathing in and out so quick that it sounded like I was giving birth. This went on for at least 15 minutes, though it could have passed as an hour if I didnt know better. Eventually I could calm down, cause the cramps would subside, but then return in little waves of hellish pain.
I was pretty much over the pain just about the same time that "class" was over. I got up, and felt completely drained of life. I was covered in sweat and tears and little pieces of wood from the porch. My hair was absolutely out of control. And I could hardly walk.

I gathered my things, put on my warmer shirt, signed up for my desk training for next week, and asked Trevor to walk me back. He would, but wanted to help clean up. I couldnt wait. I just wanted my bed. And food.

I texted Alicia telling her I needed her to start heading my way. I wanted to get to the Greenery to meet her. She didnt respond. But my roommate sent me a text just then telling me some really good news. It energize me a bit, so I made it to Red Square. I decided the only way I was getting to the Greenery, on the fourth floor of the Library was to take the elevator. Some other people were on it, and they tried to make conversation, but I failed miserably. I ran into Alicia in the hall, and she had just finished eating, but she saw how bad I looked and came with me to get some food. I only had the stomach for cereal. So I got that and we went and sat in the sun. The rest of that meal was pretty... interesting. I had potatoes too. And this kid, Mark came and sat with us. I introduced him to Alicia, cause I knew they were in the same program.
They did most of the talking.
I felt like melting through the cracks on the bench.

Alicia and I hung out. I can't remember what we did. I think played cards.
Then... Ben came, and we went to his apartment, where Rob and Ian live too. Chris was there and Zarina, and their dog, Rambo, who was so cute! and people started drinking, and I got overwhelmed, still feeling drained. I was pretty hyper and weird (if you know me, you know how I get when I have no energy).
I went to Tylers. They made me more food, and we watch stupid television, which i laughed at hysterically, which was about all i was capable of at that point.

Then, at midnight, they went to bed, and i came back to my dorm, got ready for bed, and passed out.

You know what i just remembered?
that was ALL yesterday.
haha. it seems like a week ago.

I went on a longer run today... maybe a mile longer. it was difficult, but amazing.
anywho...
I will write about today tomorrow.
thinking about all that drained me again. plus its 2:30am.

Nygil will be here soon (today/tomorrow/whatever you wanna call it). I hope he gets here in the morning, or at least, not late at night. it will be fun seeing him.

I might run again tomorrow. but maybe I should rest my body for a day... its kinda been through a lot.

"chikitabonitalocabuena" wtf?

There is so much to write about.
Yesterday was insane.
Today I went on a good run.

I need to go eat,
but by the time I get back, my internet will probably be down again. :/
Maybe I can do it at the library, though... I wanna be outside more today, or climbing/playing racquetball.
I also wanna go to Goodwill and grab some shirts I can cut up and experiment on.

Alicia is going home tonight.
I think I might stick around though.
This might be the only weekend I'm not swamped with work, and I kinda just wanna chill.
There are some things I need at home though, and I'd love to go see everybody.
I have 6 hours to decide though... so... yea.

Anywhoo. I'm fuckin starving.

I will write more later this weekend.

"the sea calls my name, and so I must go" -thrice

I just spent the last two hours salivating over the Seamester, and Semester at Sea websites.

I am going to do them. I have to. They are way too amazing to pass up.

So, how am I going to fit ALL of these opportunities into my undergrad?
Well... next year I will probably take INS and stay at Evergreen all year, working, studying, working, saving.
And then banking on how much money I manage to make, I will use the next year to do a Semester at Sea, and then a Sea|mester (or, more realistically, one or the other). Then I will maybe take some time off school to work, work, work, to pay back loans on the trip, or whatever.
I won't graduate after 4 years, but instead I will take another year at Evergreen doing upper division science.
Then finally, I graduate with my BA and BS, will have traveled much of the world, and will be ready for whatever lies in that great abyss that is the-world-after-school (more school? more travel? work? *cringes* ...marriage? *laughs*).
Well, in any case, here's the scoop:

Sea|mester... you live on the boat, learn on the boat (a tall ship), sail the boat ect. You can study oceanography, or marine biology, get any level of scuba certification you are on, and get a sailing (yahting) certification also.
Credit. Experience sailing. Experience diving. Traveling to different countries. Getting an education. Sounds damn good to me. All things that are good, in one amazing, relatively cheap program.
40 day trips are about $8,000
90 day trips can be over to $20,000

Semester at Sea... you live on the boat (a reimagined cruise ship) while you travel, and get a classroom education with all the university ammenities. When you stop at certain ports, you can get off the boat and do independent/group studies based on your major and the country you are in.
These trips are over 100 days, and range from $20,000 to $40,000.
There is more time at port in this program, compared to Sea|mester, which is what I like so much about it, and each "cruise" stops at about 10 different ports throughout the 4 months you are at sea.


I'm in dream-land right now. I even considered not going to Peru this Spring so I can save more money for these trips. However... I also don't see a reason why Peru can't happen in addition to my sea excursions. And I don't actually think I would give up Peru... BUT if for some reason my travel application for Peru isnt accepted, it is nice that I have other incredible opportunities to look forward to.

Gahh...
its 3 am.

I should sleep.
My writing center retreat starts tomorrow. 3 hours of writing and tudoring stuff! and almost 10 more hours in the two following days. I am really excited though, except kinda nervous.
I am sooooo glad I got this internship though! YAY YAY YAY!
(I just wish I was making money this quarter... I obviously have a lot of saving to do).

now bed calls my name,
and so...
goodnight.

writing by request

james asked me to update this thing more often.

I donno why I haven't been writing as much lately. Just catching up with people I guess... trying to live in the world rather than keep up with writing down all my thoughts about it.

but i suppose... i should not abandon my writing, for it has never really abandoned me.

I'm sitting in my cozy little room. listening to a strange rap/really weird music.
its catchy enough.

im feeling bad, but only because i have slight cramps and on top of that... i ate too many cookies/cupcakes (the downfall A. being a girl, and B. having all you can eat at the Greenery, AND roommates who like to bake.)

Alicia and I went downtown today after she did orientation stuff. We wandered. I ate some yakisoba and had bubble tea. I bought a cute bright yellow tanktop, which inspired me to alter some clothes... but i left all that stuff at home. :(
its okay though, my roommate ggave me a death cab shirt, and it doesnt quite fit, so i need to figure out how to make that work better for me, cause the graphic is just too adorable, and so was the gesture.

i also wanna hang more stuff on my wall. all i have is like... a million twilight posters/magazine pictures of the actors.
my roommate Em is so fuckin creative. And Alicia was painting some masterpieces earlier, so Im just like constantly inspired to be making/decorating.
hah.

but yea. so in leiu of actually having the means to make/alter something... i might just try on a bunch of new clothing combinations to feel a bit creative
*shivers with jealousy*

Ahh... my final roommate Sarah finally made her existence known. She is really cool; we had a good convo about programs and such. She was going to switch with Carolyn (who got booted out for Em), but I donno if that is going to happen.
Honestly, I dont really care, cause I think we will all be cool with eachother, and hang out together anyway.

yea... i wrote in my journal last night, and i am tempted to transcribe that to here, though... i don't think i will. it just talks about my dorm, being new and beautiful and clean and lovely. and it talks about having Alicia here. And it talks about the people who are here or who should be here soon. And it talks about the people I miss.
I also made a "to do" list of ten items... four of which i completed today. yay!

one of those things was to see Ariana, which I did today cause she was in town! That was so wonderful!! She is even more beautiful than i remember. She seemed to be doing well too. But just seeing her, and knowing what she has had to deal with these past few months... I got a bit teary-eyed. She got some bubble tea too. It was funny, because my favorite memory of us was when we went downtown, got bubble tea, sat by the water taking pictures, and then running through the fountain. She was so happy. She is so strong, cause I still see that spark in her. And... I felt like she appreciates life so much... it was just little things she said that let me see exactly how she was dealing with all of this. She talked about it. She talked as though she has had to explain it a lot. But... yea... god. She had her ticket-taker, or whatever for restaurants (the little black book where they write down your order). She bought one that had a picture window, and she put a picture of Mike in it. She got a replica tattoo of one that he had, and she mixed his ashes in the ink they used for it.

Things like this make me feel like I can be a lot stronger.
I was thinking about this last night, considering my strength
...why I am doing so much better this year?
Is it cause I am more familiar with the place?
Is it cause I just got use to a particular way I feel when Im away from home?
Is it cause I have grown a lot? I am ready to be more independent? I spent most of the summer at camp? I am more sure of myself? I have a better living situation? I am happier with my schedule/excited about what I am doing this year?
Am I stronger or is it just easier?

Anyway. I think I can be stronger.
So... it pains me to be away from Matt, and my family, and my pets, and friends...
but this is my choice. And I am doing something here, and they are doing stuff over there, and it isn't like someone was tragically ripped away from my life.


So... I am doing well.

Tomorrow I have the first day of my retreat.
School starts a week from today (yesterday, since its 1am)
I hope that I can carry this calmness and this happiness with me, throughout this busy busy quarter ahead of me.

changes

10 pounds
remodeled
fixed it

broke it

built it [with everything]
filled it [with nothing]


anger [at something]
laughter [at nothing]

kicked out
welcomed in

same places
new faces

lost
or gained

a breakup
a hookup
a drowning

overgrowth
cancer

scattered
embedded
saved
lost

boxes
cars

old life
new scars

growths
lifes
loves
changes.

reminder!

bnmt asap!

Proximity.

Some things feel surreal today.

The summer heat seems to have gone with the coming of the rainstorm.
I don't know why or how, but the crisp air seems to have knocked me out of complete equilibrium. It came sooner than I was expecting.


Yesterday I landed on my foot wrong and seem to have torn something, or at least severely strained some tendons. There were a couple times when I moved my foot yesterday after the fall that I was overcome by agonizing pain in my ankle, down my foot, and up my leg. I don't really know how bad it is. There is no pain today, but I am afraid to take my foot out of the boot that Ben gave me. Testing the range of movement in my foot could result in severe amounts of pain that I just don't have the will to bring upon myself.

I am going to the dentist today. Finally. I really need a tooth guard for nighttime.

I thought about leaving for Vancouver today, but I am exhausted and now have to deal with my foot. I need to pack anyway. Ariana's birthday is tomorrow and I really wanna see her, but mom also said she wouldn't be able to pick me up from Vancouver on the way down to Sunriver anyway. I donno...
Its also weird that I am going to be in Sunriver. I'm excited for the trip. It just almost doesnt seem possible that my whole family will be there all together again (for the first time since we moved, I believe).

At some point I am supposed to call Nygil, and Josh.
I just can't bring myself to do it.
I miss them both dearly, but I don't feel like talking on the phone, making small talk (as would happen with Josh) or trying to delve into the complexity of "how I am."
I don't get to see Josh. What if I never see him again?
I don't think that will happen, but he lives across the country now... and Alaska is just as far, but it sure doesnt feel like it.

In a few weeks I will be living within a half mile of Nygil and we will be able to see eachother whenever we damn well please. But I just know I'm gonna be swamped with work, so there's a possibility that I might see him just as much as if he was living across the country too.
Well, that was an exaggeration... but you get the point.

While we're on the subject of distance:
time, place, understanding...

Becca will be close to me, in Tacoma.
As will Minnie.
Hell, Jasmine will be in Portland, which is loads closer than she was before.

James, Emily, Dana,
Caitlin,
Mustang, Paws,
Matt, Mom, Dad,
Peekaboo,
Cinder,
Coco and Mocha...
they will all be farther then I'd like them to be.
and more.

But its cool, when there are people (and animals) you can be close to even if you are far away from them,
even if you hardly see or talk to them.
I like that.


Ok. There is stuff to be done before Becca and I go to our appointments.
...And instead of doing those things... I think I might take a nap.
I'm not quite sure how much sleep I did or didnt get last night, but it sure doesnt feel like much.

So... NOW it starts raining.

Been chatting with my new roommates today. Carolyn and Ariel. Haven't heard from Sarah yet, but I can only hope to get along with her half as well as I do with the other two, cause its been awesome so far. Such an improvement.

Pax this weekend was awesome.
I got my 3 day pass for free (thanks to James and Tim) which was a plus, and just stayed with my brother so I didn't have to pay for a hotel/bus fare too and from the boys' apartment.
I don't want to go into details cause it is late and there is a lot to say, but some quick things:
I loved the encore of Freezepop, it rocked! Honestly I thought the rest of their show was boring (except when the guy got on stage and proposed to his girlfriend). I enjoyed playing Left4Dead or whatever that zombie game was. Walking around and talking with Matt was probably the best time I had because it was such a refresher being with and talking to someone who just makes me feel right. He seemed really happy too.
I had fun hanging out with those Facake people too. xD
I loved watching Sean play outside the convention center...even though we got kicked off the steps, which was bullshit.
I also got to see Alex Blanton who I havent seen for a while. I missed seeing Zak.
But I did get the pleasure of running into Maddie Copp and Dustin Woods, who I havent seen in person for probably 10 years.
And chillin with Grey.
And getting a hug or two from Gameboy (...sorry, Garrett. Fuck... is that even your real name?)

Wow... so much for not getting into detail.

Well, now that I'm here... I will also mention how much I enjoyed my time with Amanda, and the short amount of time I had to talk with Nathan.

I liked being the last non-Enforcer out of the building on Friday night (well, actually Sat. morning) because no one could find my brother... the only Enforcer who works late just because he can. :P



Yea. Aside from having the worst migrain of my life through most of it, I legitimately had a lot of fun.


Watched Rent with my parents tonight.
And we all made dinner together.
It was lovely.

Ok. It is late.
John is coming over tomorrow morning. I hope he is doing alright.
Matt and I are going to dinner tomorrow night. PF Chang's. Haha, we have been planning this for like 3 months or more. Finally found a time that works. ^_^


Ps.
Rainstorm today
with thunder
and wind.
I loved it.
Hope there is more to come soon.

nice to know.

I enjoyed Lars and the Real Girl.
Its probably top ten, at least.


I can't stop listening to Silversun Pickups.
They are up there with Death Cab and Thrice, where they can almost do no wrong.



Also, I wish someone would say something meaningful to me. So I could respond with more than a grunt. I'm sorry... today I just couldn't fake it too well. But who knows... maybe tomorrow will be better.

I enjoyed working on the puzzle. I even enjoyed going to the doctor. I got two shots and I'm starting now to figure out which immunizations I need for Peru cause I know once school starts that is gonna be on the back burner for a while.
My "medical assistant" today was Jonny. I guess he wasn't really a nurse, and he didn't really try to fake it either...nor did he try to fake that he really liked his job. It was nice to meet someone real like that... he just kinda didnt give a shit. He looked like he was straight out of a movie like Superbad or Adventureland, where he is one of those side characters who make you laugh all the time. He was a little slow too, trying to remember the last name of the doctor, and trying to figure out which arm was my left one. ^_^ But he made me smile... and laugh. Even when he was about to give me the shot. "Is it a really painful one?" "Yea the people out there said this one hurts like a... well, lets just say we shouldnt do it on your dominant arm." "You're either really funny or really honest." "Both."

It hurt, but I thought about my dream last night, which made it easier to anticipate. My dream was set at camp (though it didnt look the same), and anyway we were just supposed to be seeing a movie, which was gonna be projected such that ideally you watch it from the water (i think i've seen something like this in one of my dreams before...) Anywho, I swam out there, and then saw some people were watching it from the beach, and decided that might be more enjoyable.
We never ended up watching the movie, something happened. The middle part of the dream is really hazy. But we all had to get up and run, and we were scared... but it was just people playing a joke or a game. The game was a physical test, basically. And so I started training for it. And it was like... a "mirrors edge" thing... ya know? Parkour... or freestyle running. So me and Bubba are training for it, and he's like the pro. And so I'm running from him, and I do really good for a beginner. Its strange, cause I remember being in pain cause of some of the physical exertion I put my body through, and being really scared running from Bubba...even though it was just training/a game.
I also remember that I was afraid to get in trouble cause the game was banned from camp, and we were practicing near the office where Daisy and Frog and Zeeb were. And when I got to the roof, which was like the final level, it started pealing off because it was rotten. And I fell. And I really didnt want to be on the ground for some reason.

*shakes head*
its been a while since I drempt like that. There were only a couple vivid dreams during camp this summer. But before that it was like... nightly, almost. Location? Eating habits? Sleeping habits?

Anyway, I like when I dream, cause I feel like I have this whole other life... a life in which I can do anything.
So that is why I thought of it when I was getting shots. Cause my goal in the dream was to not be hindered by any physical limitation, and to be able to endure any physical pain.

Ahh... well the doctor was a different story.
She clearly was having a bad day. Last time I'd seen her she was much different. This time, it looked like she had gotten braces, and wasnt too happy about it (...who would be?) and she seemed really stressed. Sympathetic as I was, it still bothered me when she spent a whole minute interrogating the apparent enigma of my virginity.
grr.
Also... I weigh more than I thought. Much more. And I think my stomach is expanding at about half the rate of the Blob, in the original movie, meaning in about 45 minutes, I will be able to cover a normal size diner with my entire body.
Just kidding.
But really... a workout routine might help. I could hardly fit into my pants today. I'd say that's a good excuse for shopping, but why waste perfectly good pants, I better just lose the pound-age.


Yea... away from that.
Had mongolian with my sister and mom before the appointments. I like spending time with them, even if I don't really show it. I think I was distracted by my headache, and my excitement over having a full meal.

After the appointments I got my new glasses. Which I really don't want to talk about. I like them. They are cute (luckily cause I remember just getting fed up with looking and picking the ones that happened to be on my face). They just don't fit that well. And if I think about glasses then I have to think about contacts (which irrates my migrain), and getting all that sorted before school. I also need a tooth guard for my teeth, cause apparently Bill could hear me grinding my teeth this morning, from the floor. WTF? I don't like that. It was probably my body reacting to all the physical exertion i was experiencing in my dream. ha

oh yea, and my mom also took me too the mall today for the unhappy errand of looking for underwear and bras. fuuuuuck I hate that.
and I hate malls.
even more after today.
I walk in and they are playing this godawful music, which wouldnt be that bad if it wasnt the themesong for the disgusting montage of people shopping, cooing over baby's new outfit, downing a bigmac and fries, and picking out the perfect wedding ring.
needless to say, i didnt find what i was looking for.


hah, i must sound really unhappy.

on the contrary.
i feel fine.
i still have a headache.
and im tired.
and I don't have PAX tickets.
but... i don't feel like the world is ending right now.
im smiling.
im making jokes.
im alone, but my family is safe and sleeping in their rooms,
and I have a nice bed to go lay in,
and with any luck, I will get into Pax tomorrow or the next day.
so overall, im pretty damn good.

what we lose, what we gain.

I'm not trying to come across that I have lost interest in the world. I think quite the contrary. I have a greater interest all aspects of the world, and have grown to be less picky about which ones make me happy. I guess because nothing is what you expect and so any choice I make will lead me to something unexpected. So if I have no expectations, then I will likely be satisfied, if not happy, with the results.
I don't think it is all so sorted out in my head. I just think that I have lost interest in trying so hard to control my life.

I have goals that I intend to pursue, but also realize that my life's direction is not always governed by my specific choices. Maybe partially, but who knows?

But then there are the bigger questions (bigger to me, probably, than most people). Questions of drugs and sex and alcohol. I donno. Those are more important to me... especially because of what I have seen them do to other people's lives.

Example 1: One of my oldest but best friends in the world accidentally got pregnant.
Example 2: One of my good friend's boyfriends drown because he fell off a boat while intoxicated.

As far disconnected as I am from those situations, they affected me greatly. And I would not want to be either of those people, or have anything similar happen to me.
This is why it was so important to date someone who doesn't drink or do drugs...
I never understood that so well as I did this Fourth of July when I heard about Mike.

Coincidentally, that same day was the day my friend gave birth to her baby (which I unfortunately didn't find out about until a few days ago).

Meh.
The day I heard that Mike died, I texted Tony right away. Mike and Ariana's relationship always reminded me of Tony and I. I hated the way they fought cause I'd seen it all before and believed it wouldnt change. I thought she would just keep getting hurt, until something broke.
Something did break. But it was right when they were starting to work out better together.

She can't text him anymore to make sure he is okay.


Tony is fine. He's alive, at least.
He's happy for the most part.
I've seen him a lot recently, and it has been a strange experience...neither really good nor bad. Of course it is wonderful to see him because he is such a huge part of me... but it doesnt really hurt anymore. But I still found myself turning my head away when he bent down to kiss her. That's why its weird... because as much as I don't want him anymore, I also don't want to lose him anymore. I want him to always remember me, always come to me for help, always consider me one of his best friends. I think I lost some of that already, long ago. And maybe holding on to it makes no sense. Maybe that is why I still don't listen to HIM (the band).
Ahh whatever...

On Sunday, for family dinner, my parents and Nathan and Amanda were watching this atrocious movie called 5 People You Meet in Heaven. The movie is not all that bad, I just say so cause in my mood... it was pretty ridiculous.
Pathetic as I am, it still managed to make me cry.
There was this line... let's see if I can find it online....

"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand... You can't tousle their hair... But when those senses weaken another one comes to life... Memory... Memory becomes your partner. You hold it... you dance with it... Life has to end, Eddie... Love doesn't."

Geez. Practically slayed me.

Anywho... yea.

So... Matt. Matt is back from the beach. It will be wonderful to see him. These lyrics remind me of him:
"when i'm losing my control, the city spins around. you're the only one who knows, you slow it down."


*sigh* (that's a good sigh... a sigh that i feel so fortunate. and that i feel things are right... complicated as they are)

i am ready.
god, i feel that I am becoming so strong. I can feel it building up, and I am getting ready... so ready... to do something great. to do so many things.
and...
i know I am going off to do most of them alone...
yea... for the most part, alone (except, not the way you might see it).


so...
there it is.
as much of my heart as i needed to bare for tonight. at least here.


hmm.
it amazes me how much people can change, and then still be inherently the same.

hello.

so...

as far as conversation goes, I really can't find anything to say to anyone. I just listen, a lot. Even when no one is saying anything I listen.

I don't know whats with me. I feel really alone, and it makes me uncomfortable and anxious, but not sad... necessarily. Well, it makes me want to curl up, sleep a lot, and cry. But I can even feel dignified in that. Which is why I don't want to label it as sadness.
I feel very "blah" for the good majority of each day. And what I mean by "blah" is unfeeling, or numb. But I use numb to describe so much pain that I can't feel anymore, and I don't think its that either.

I kinda just dont care. I will follow you on your walk, watch your TV show, listen to your story, but I probably wouldnt care if I was doing something else either.
I feel like I am just waiting. Just passing the time with you, and you, and whoever.

I want to go to Peru.
I even want to go back to school, so I can sit in a classroom or wherever, and listen, and take notes, and learn something new.
The only things that really get me motivated are traveling (even if its to a place I don't necessarily want to be, with people I don't want to be with, and even if the distance is only a few miles), doing something that involves physical exertion (dancing, jumping off a cliff into freezing water, biking somewhere), or writing/making something/doing something creative (I cut up an old shirt the other day, and made it really cute. I want to do more of that, and I think I will tonight. I have lots of shirts.)

I want to get rid of most of my stuff. I want to do this before I go back to school. But we are going to Oregon for 5 days. That's all dandy. At least its travel. And at least its with people I want to be with (my family).