I'm not trying to come across that I have lost interest in the world. I think quite the contrary. I have a greater interest all aspects of the world, and have grown to be less picky about which ones make me happy. I guess because nothing is what you expect and so any choice I make will lead me to something unexpected. So if I have no expectations, then I will likely be satisfied, if not happy, with the results.
I don't think it is all so sorted out in my head. I just think that I have lost interest in trying so hard to control my life.

I have goals that I intend to pursue, but also realize that my life's direction is not always governed by my specific choices. Maybe partially, but who knows?

But then there are the bigger questions (bigger to me, probably, than most people). Questions of drugs and sex and alcohol. I donno. Those are more important to me... especially because of what I have seen them do to other people's lives.

Example 1: One of my oldest but best friends in the world accidentally got pregnant.
Example 2: One of my good friend's boyfriends drown because he fell off a boat while intoxicated.

As far disconnected as I am from those situations, they affected me greatly. And I would not want to be either of those people, or have anything similar happen to me.
This is why it was so important to date someone who doesn't drink or do drugs...
I never understood that so well as I did this Fourth of July when I heard about Mike.

Coincidentally, that same day was the day my friend gave birth to her baby (which I unfortunately didn't find out about until a few days ago).

Meh.
The day I heard that Mike died, I texted Tony right away. Mike and Ariana's relationship always reminded me of Tony and I. I hated the way they fought cause I'd seen it all before and believed it wouldnt change. I thought she would just keep getting hurt, until something broke.
Something did break. But it was right when they were starting to work out better together.

She can't text him anymore to make sure he is okay.


Tony is fine. He's alive, at least.
He's happy for the most part.
I've seen him a lot recently, and it has been a strange experience...neither really good nor bad. Of course it is wonderful to see him because he is such a huge part of me... but it doesnt really hurt anymore. But I still found myself turning my head away when he bent down to kiss her. That's why its weird... because as much as I don't want him anymore, I also don't want to lose him anymore. I want him to always remember me, always come to me for help, always consider me one of his best friends. I think I lost some of that already, long ago. And maybe holding on to it makes no sense. Maybe that is why I still don't listen to HIM (the band).
Ahh whatever...

On Sunday, for family dinner, my parents and Nathan and Amanda were watching this atrocious movie called 5 People You Meet in Heaven. The movie is not all that bad, I just say so cause in my mood... it was pretty ridiculous.
Pathetic as I am, it still managed to make me cry.
There was this line... let's see if I can find it online....

"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand... You can't tousle their hair... But when those senses weaken another one comes to life... Memory... Memory becomes your partner. You hold it... you dance with it... Life has to end, Eddie... Love doesn't."

Geez. Practically slayed me.

Anywho... yea.

So... Matt. Matt is back from the beach. It will be wonderful to see him. These lyrics remind me of him:
"when i'm losing my control, the city spins around. you're the only one who knows, you slow it down."


*sigh* (that's a good sigh... a sigh that i feel so fortunate. and that i feel things are right... complicated as they are)

i am ready.
god, i feel that I am becoming so strong. I can feel it building up, and I am getting ready... so ready... to do something great. to do so many things.
and...
i know I am going off to do most of them alone...
yea... for the most part, alone (except, not the way you might see it).


so...
there it is.
as much of my heart as i needed to bare for tonight. at least here.


hmm.
it amazes me how much people can change, and then still be inherently the same.