To do tomorrow to finalize scholarships:
-Get letter of rec from Sandy (2 copies)
-Get updated letter of Rec from Martha (5 copies!)
-Have Tyler print out pictures
-Turn the suckers in by 5 PM!


Tonight I still need to write a draft of my integration paper, which wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been working ALL DAY.

And I need to read the Appendix of Conservation Refugees before afternoon class tomorrow.

SHOWER! and sleep.

I might just make it to Wednesday yet!
And next weekend I am advocating a severe amount of partying including: roller skating or bowling, BAMBOO eats, dance party, climbing mucho, FUTBOL!, football (i guess, on Sunday, but the good news about that is FOOOOOOOOOOD), and then sleeping.

Well, I'm stoked for all that, but for now I got shit to do.

Does anyone have a favorite blog entry or photograph of mine?

I need to show these scholarship people a "piece" of myself, and i don't really know which one to show them...

i just feel like crying

Even if I am never good enough in myself
I cannot let that weaken me.
Being good enough to do what I need to do
doesn't mean I have to be good enough for any of you.

Maybe I don't matter...

what matters is only what I have to offer.

That's fine.
Someday I will die.
And be forgotten.
Just like all the rest.

dont feel like standing up straight today

read this post by the lovely Ben Steiner:

http://grinds-bens-gears.blogspot.com/2010/01/gears-have-been-grinded.html

couldn't have said it better.

Today was.... something. A blend of really highs and really lows.

Great class, got some work done, did some good brainstorming...
then was inundated with news and anxiety.
Went out to dinner with the guys and Zach's mom.


I should sleep, asap. Lots of work to do this weekend. Good thing cause its gonna feel pretty long I think.

Yea... fuck trying to write cryptically tonight.
You know what? Fuck trying to write tonight.

Tomorrow=lots of climbing (or some sort of strenuous exercise), reading, writing. Stuff to keep me busy, and keep me sane.

yea, i really dont want to be awake right now. goodnight

"What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place? What if to get to heaven you had to brave hell? What if everything you've ever wanted cost you everything you've ever achieved? Would you still go there?"

Get a hold of Zebra
Pay deposit for Peru
Scholarship apps:
-FAFSA update?
-Unofficial Transcripts/Evals?
-Write letters of app
-Retrieve (signed) letters of rec (Martha, Steve, Sandy, Ben)


(or, at least, by Monday):
Read 1/2 of Conservation Refugees
-complete essay assignment
Integration Paper (first draft)
Research Paper (research/refine/research/write some...)

I didn't feel so angry today. Well... tonight.
I feel sort of sad. And being sad kinda makes me angry at myself. (Sometimes emotions are for so many selfish and small reasons.)

I am listening to Jack Johnson, cause I guess its how I feel. Softly emotional. Sorta longing. Sorta sad. Sorta hopeful. Holding truth and also escapism.

I'm tired and I don't want to get my heart rate up. Maybe I shouldn't read anymore tonight. I should read some more of Conservation Refugees, but as you can see from the last post it doesn't really inspire calmness. I could read Kokoro... but my mind is already there. Eclipse is on the shelf begging me to discover more, but I can never close those books with a steady heartbeat. The Road. I guess I could read some of that... except...

Well, if I'm not going to do school work I should probably just sleep. I need to write for a bit though first.
Oh, and shoot some emails off.

I am not going to talk about blowing up buildings tonight though. I had a dream about you last night. It had been a couple weeks now since I woke up feeling that way. When I was fully conscious that it was a dream I just wanted to go back to sleep for the day. It didn't put a sour note on my day or anything, in fact I didn't even think about it again until earlier tonight. Tonight was nice. Went climbing with Eric and Tyler and FINALLY finished Open Your Chakras (ironic since I meditated for the first time last weekend, and have been working on that route for like... ALL YEAR, and only just got it). I also remembered how to get to the top of the cave on Little Chikas, and made some progress on that. I didn't feel like a climber today. I didn't even really feel like climbing today. But I did alright, and it made me happier than I could have imagined. I guess maybe I forgot about that part of it...
Pain didn't bother me today though, so that was good.


Then I went home briefly to get some school work together and .... LAUNDRY! FUCK I FORGOT MY LAUNDRY IN THE HCC. Damnit. Now its locked. Ah well.... I will get it in the morning.

I headed to the guys place right as Zach was leaving to go climbing....
Daniel and Eric were making tacos so I helped with that.
Ate delicious food. Hung out. "Did homework" and watched/played a bit of Katamari. (It reminded me of being at Nathan's Issaquah house with Zak and Alex B playing video games all the time.) Zach returned. We all talked and continued playing stupid games. Ari and Cari stopped by :) and stole Daniel and Tyler away to Safeway. I left briefly after that.

I feel so pathetic. I waste all night sitting, waiting, knowing nothing more will happen, except brief eye contact, maybe a smile... maybe a criticism, but I always hope for encouragement or a compliment.
So I should feel pathetic. Its disgraceful what we do in love.

When I long to feel beautiful I just remind myself how ugly we all are.

I need to shower. I need to sleep.

"how can I fear god, when I've seen the actions of men?"

It's hard to wake up.
To be continually exposed to all the ways you have been lied to your entire life.


Would it shock you if I said I was angry?
Would it shock you if I said I was sad?
Our entire culture is a lie. No wonder no one knows who they are. No wonder we all live lives of quiet desperation.
No wonder I have always been miserable.

Lack of truth?
We are still guilty.
Find the truth.


Why were the Trade Towers targets? This wasn't meaningless, and if I were to blow up a building, my aim would be similar.
Destroy the centers of lies and control. Pentagon, WTO, White House. The places in which injustice is manufactured, supported, made into law. Destroy them.
(Come take me away bitches, if you are watching).


I don't support killing people by flying planes full of people into buildings full of people. But I also don't support killing people any other way, and our whole fucking culture is built off that very action.

We kill everything in our way. WE KILL EVERYTHING.
In the disgraced name of democracy,
in the meaningless name of money and power
for sex, for resources, for recognition...

Your money supports death.
My money supports murder.
TODAY.
Today a family is being killed in a war which would be more founded if we dropped bombs on ourselves. Proudly funded by you and me.
Today an indigenous man is being killed in the name of bio-diversity "conservation" (ie. an excuse to access more resources for the people in power), and a woman is suffering from the effects of a 20 year old chemical leak, which has not been rectified. You support this continued injustice by buying your beauty product.

Today you murdered someone.

"Woke up to a brand new skyline
We licked our wounds and mourned the dead
Swallowed the story, hook and sinker
Is that what we meant, when we said that we never would forget

Are we fools and cowards all
To let them cover up their lies
'Cause we all watched the buildings fall
And watched the scales fall from our eyes

A fire burns beneath Manhattan
Still we breathe with broken lungs
We act like none of this matters
Is that what we meant, when we said that we'd sing what must be sung

Are we fools and cowards all
To let them cover up their lies
'Cause we all watched the buildings fall
And watched the scales fall from our eyes

We want answers
Scream from the roofs
We want justice
We want the truth"

I'm not positive if Thrice wrote this song in the name of the same justice I desire. Maybe they wanted revenge against "those who did this to us" referring to the people we now wage war against. I'd like to think better of them than that. Either way, those who we do war against are people who were only seeking justice against our continual, widespread disregard for human life.
I want to not be lied to. I want to not be raised in school and media to believe in an enemy or an injustice, when the real enemies are the ones feeding such a lie.

You did not take control of the plane and fly it into the building. I did not blow anything up. But our money put the fuel in the tank, and our ignorance lit the match.

Since we all did this together, and since probably only a few people had malicious intent in this destruction of the already feeble honor of this society (even of this race of humanity) we might also be able to fix it together. But first we have to turn on the lights, and look in the mirror.

and I remembered what wonders the sun can do."


Today was a good day. Despite having printed off the wrong paper, things seemed to unfold nicely. Had a fair seminar, and a fun meeting brainstorming Inkwell. My parents stopped by and spent a couple hours in the Castle with me. It was great seeing them, talking to them, having them at school with me. I think I will always feel closer to them now that they know where I work.

Then Tyler came in and brought me a hot chocolate, which was... perfect. It was the sweetest gesture ever, and totally unexpected. What an amazing friend. We talked for a bit while I skimmed an older Inkwell, and he sketched some things. I was anxious to have a session since I had only had two since the beginning of the quarter. This guy walked in looking for an appointment and I volunteered. We only have 40 minutes. I didn't struggle with the session because I feel like I had a lot of backup plans, but he was definitely one of the more challenging people I've had to work with. It would have been harder for me if I had been in other sessions all day. I was pretty fresh, making it much easier. But gosh... tutoring as a reciprocal process. NOT. Well, I did what I could.

Today I always felt like I was where I was supposed to be. Right now such certainty of place, or rightness, it isn't as strong. But maybe that's just a conflict between heart and head. "All you see is where else you could be when you're at home."

I wish I could do something every day that would make you smile. I wish I could make you smile...

It could complete my day to see you, but it could also ruin it. And maybe I shouldn't gamble with my moments of brief joy.

Done with the outline! Hellz yea!

Now I have half a book to read. :/

Walking on Air
Man on Fire
Across the Stars
Such Sweet Thunder
And the Rain

-----------

Should I go to bed, or stay up all night and finish my work? I'm gonna have to do it eventually. And if I don't do it tonight it will be pushed to next weekend, over which I need to write my letters of application for the scholarships.

But if I stay up all night, that could be disastrous since tomorrow I have peer review, seminar, no writing center meeting (yippee!), and then work from 5-8. Well, if I can sleep from 3-4:30, then I will probably be fine. Class doesn't start til 10 anyway. Then I can sleep early tomorrow (I am putting this responsibility on you, Cari and Ari... just yell at me, and tell me to sleep, and I will yell at you and tell you to run. And it will be good). And then I don't have to work until 11 on Tuesday, and I can do my Spanish work between work and class. Then go to Spanish. Then do prep for Wednesday's class and start reading for next week. Then sleep. Then I will get up on Wednesday and go to class and then to work. After work, at 3:30 I get to finally go CLIMBING! fuck yea! So I will try to contain my climbing to a couple hours, and then go read for next week, and for Thursday's class, and do Spanish work, and write letters of application. And then sleep! One Thursday I will go to all day class. bleccch! BUT I am skipping Spanish that night to go out to dinner with Zach, his mom, and the guys! So hopefully that will be good (I shouldn't have thought about that right now though... )

And then on Friday I will sleep in! And maybe go to the Spanish speaking workshop and work on those damned letters of application. And hopefully I will do something fun like go skating or bowling.

This is how my brain is constantly working. Sorry if its a "bet scery!"

Ok, good plan. Back to work.

Working on my project and listening to lots of instrumental music because I can't work when lyrics are going on. So a lot of it is piano music. It reminds me of Mom, and Matt, and makes me miss them both. Listening to classical piano music, and even some more modern stuff, will always make me feel closer to my mom, even if she's far away. I hope Mom and Dad stop by tomorrow on their way home from Forks. I need hugs from them.

This is (sort of) how I feel today:

"It is often said that a disproportionate obsession with purely academic or abstract matters indicates a retreat from the problems of real life. However, most of the people engaged in such matters say that this attitude is based on three things. Ignorance, stupidity, and nothing else. Philosophers for example argue that they are very much concerned with the problems posed by real life. Like for instance, what do we mean by real, and how can we reach an empirical definition of life, and so on. One definition of life, or be it not a particularly useful one, might run something like this: life is that property which a being will lose as a result of falling out of a cold and mysterious cave thirteen miles above ground level. This is not a useful definition (A) because it could equally refer to the subject of glasses if the being is wearing them, and (B) because it fails to take into account the possibility that the subject might happen to fall onto the back of an extremely large passing bird. The first of these flaws is due to sloppy thinking, but the second is understandable because the mere idea is utterly ludicrous."

I think Chris Appleseth wrote it cause it was a note of his on Facebook. But he could have gotten it from somewhere else.

Anyway, what I mean by this is how I feel, is just that everything is so fucking absurd, and seriously, sometimes the only way to maneuver it is to be as random and abstract. And this makes me laugh every time I read it.

Occasionally I go through and read people's notes on Facebook. Usually they are uninteresting, but sometimes they are really revealing (most people don't keep blogs, but still often feel the need to express their innermost feelings on the worldwideweb). When they do so sometimes it beautiful and sometimes its rather ugly. There's one in particular that is pretty ugly, and everytime I read it I want to punch the writer.

Ok, enough of this. Onto my endless work.

"conscience does make cowards of us all..."

maybe not over death, but certainly in life.

graduated
and finished his SAT.

"There's no path to follow
there's no path to follow

There's a line in the sand
Put there by a man
By a man whose children who built the castles made of stone

There's a man in the sky
Giving reasons why
That line grows deeper like these shackles round our bones

Move on to my own
Here come battle scars
It's the final charge
Here come battle scars

There's a child born
To a land of scorn
Sneaks past the borders and the lords that hold his hand

He was led like a lamb
All part of the plan
This castle crumbles as he walks out of this land

Move on to my own
Here come battle scars
It's the final charge
Here come battle scars

This is what we own
Here come battle scars
This is where we are
Here come battle scars

There's no path to follow

Living for the reasons
of the dead that moved to
paper from their heads
into my fingers
and my deadly view is
strangled by the rent
I have no purpose in this land
have I forgotten how to stand up
with the humor and the need
I've got to find a way to be

I just turn up the stereo
I can't survive without the cold
This culture's fallen off its feet
I've got to find a brand new beat

There's a road ahead
'tween the live and dead
Church bells are ringing like the panic in my head

Step, step, one by one
Walk into the setting sun
Water's rising, rising fast
History catching up at last

Danger ahead, death behind
No one to follow but old man time

Time, time, take us back before the line was drawn
Before the sky turned black." -Chemical Brothers

-----

"I love this city, but I've set and numbered its days.
I love this city, enough that I'll set it ablaze."

"I want to be strong enough,
To not let my fears decide my fate
Surrounded by jingoists;
I don't want any part of this"

"Was there a time that we know peace;
when all the children had a place to sleep
when rhetoric was not enough?
Was there a time we weren't at war
When we knew what our hearts and hands were for?
I don't believe there ever was.
It's always been a lie,
a soothing lullaby
We'll soon be swallowed by the sea.
Was there a time we looked around,
and do we really even want to know what's going down
Well I think no one really does
We'd rather close our eyes
sing soothing lullabies
We'll soon be swallowed by the sea
The water's rising now
and we will surely drown
if we don't turn around "

"All you great men of power, you who boast of your feats -
Politicians and entrepreneurs.
Can you safeguard your breath in the night while you sleep?
Keep your heart beating steady and sure?
As you lie in your bed, does the thought haunt your head
That you’re really, rather small?
If there’s one thing I know in this life: we are beggars all."

Pretty much any of Thrice's lyrics...

I will try to be powerful.
To not submit to these injustices.
To do something good, to make change.
I WILL try.

But I don't think I will ever be happy.

To quote myself: "I'm actually not sure if I believe that fear is enough to keep me alive (some days the 'dread of something after death' could not compete with the dread of life)."

Its so hard to be alive.
But there is no point to all the suffering if I am not stretching myself; if I am not doing everything in my power to allow that maybe someday it won't be this way for everyone else. And if nothing changes, then we will destroy ourselves, and good riddance. Maybe much more beautiful things will take our place in existence.

i can't stand this...
i can't stand you, humanity.

I loved you so much I hated myself.
Next, I loved myself too much to love you.
Then, I hated you because I thought I loved you.
But like I said, I cannot love that which destroys what I love.
So, now I just hate,
and you, and I, don't deserve life;
we are all too goddamn ugly.

but I guess that's not for me to decide...
or is it?

If god is real, he should send us all to hell.

"This Supreme Court decision would be record in history as a dark moment for democracy, but history will now be fabricated by corporate marketing departments. This crowing achievement by the spawn of Lamar Hunt's ultra right wing anti-think tanks who proved they can get the middle class to assist in their own gutting, then allow their rage to be hijacked and harnessed by fictions invented to punish the innocent and protect the guilty. A bold plan requiring only the willingness of citizens not to ask "is that true" before swinging into actions of self demise. Orwell? Big Brother able to get them to jump alive into the vat, wearing "God Bless Glen Beck" T-shirts, expecting blind loyalty to earn admission to the 1/2 percent ultra rich club, emerging instead as soylent green." -Dad

click

From March 31, 2009:
"I went rock climbing today. Zach invited me. It was probably the best thing I have done here all year. It made me feel strong and empowered (at a time where I feel so weak in character). (That is such a weird things to say about myself, especially here, but I don't know how else to describe it... I feel weak.)"


Its not that I feel weak now. But trying to go climbing today... or anytime soon, doesn't seem like a good idea. I just get mad at myself for sucking so bad... or for not being as good as other people. Or for not being good enough for myself. For trying so hard and not seeming to get any better, any braver. And when I'm in the gym its like im projecting all my other inadequacies on my ability to climb. That's no good since clearly I started climbing in the first place because it empowered me. Not just the first time, but this year too. And that's ironic because the person who brought me to it last year, is also kinda the reason I went back to climbing this year; to let me feel strong, when I desperately needed strength.

And that weakness I was talking about last year... maybe it doesn't manifest itself as necessarily weakness, but just a lack of some important essence that other people have, that make them all so much more functional than me.

Last night, upon meeting 3 new people, I was reminded of that hole within me where something so essential is missing, something that was there at some point, but that I have severely supressed. And there are other things in that catagory of suppression too, which were re-evoked last night. Things that I will further supress and further suffer from.

Knowledge is power. It should be. But even though I know all these things about myself, I lack the ability or the will or something to change them. And even if I did change them there would always be something else.

Anyway, now onto something important:

I've been working on my research project for 4 hours and I feel no further along than I did yesterday. Its gonna be a long weekend.

For now, I'm gonna go eat dinner with the guys and hope to feel better through quality of company.

it's so i don't scream.

Why can't we ever fall in love with each other, instead of someone else?



The distance between people is vast.
There is always too much that can never be said.
We will never understand as much as we'd hope to.



Today, like any other day...
feeling worse.



If I am a powerhouse, someone may have pulled the plug.

Mayday
losing power fast
we're goin down...



I threw out my back, or some bullshit on the Open Your Chakras route yesterday. I almost got the last move though.
...always just out of reach.


"I have such envy
For the stranger lying next to me
Who awakes in the night
And slips out into the pre-dawn light
With no words
A clean escape
No promises or messes made
And chalks it all up
To mistake, mistake, mistake

A storm at sea
The bow cracked
And I was capsizing
And I sunk below
Where I swore I would never go
If you can't stand in place
You can't tell who is walking away
From who remains
Who stays, who stays, who stays

And there are no tears
Just pity and fear
And a vast ravine
Right in between

'Cause there are no tears
Just pity and fear
And I recall
The push more than the fall"

Damnit Death Cab,
you will never let me stop loving you.

So, there is a paper due for class tomorrow.
I'm just losing it...

Best part of my day... The assistant director at the Writing Center, Dana, brought her 8 month-old baby Emmett into work today. His nose and cheeks, his toes and fingers, just everything about him was perfect. Just seeing him be so happy made my world a little less bleak. He looks a lot like the little girl in the picture on the link below. Don't click it yet. Just think about how that might be the most perfect time of life... being a happy little baby. Laughing at people who give you funny looks; playing peek-a-boo; being able to fit your whole hand in your mouth; laughing just because, as far as you can see, life is so much fun.

It can't last. Not like that. But I guess the fact that there is still some innocence at some point of human life, makes me smile, at least.

I don't understand this life, as you can tell from the post above, but sometimes I can reason myself through it, sometimes I can hope it will get better.

But there is no reason, or hope in this:

http://kristiesnotes.blogspot.com/2009/12/please-help-if-you-can.html

Human Poems:
Considering Coldly, Impartially
Stumble between Two Stars
The Nine Monsters
-Cesar Vallejo

Another Poem:
Lost to Sight
-Cesar Moro

These are from The Peru Reader.


Then there's the poetry on the stairwells in the library building-- sometimes those words are the only thing that keep me going.

I've been writing some of my own poetry lately-- mostly in my journal, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. The only way I know to judge, or at least enjoy poetry is if I can relate to it, and of course I am going to relate to something I wrote (--that is actually not necessarily true). Even still, I am not objective about my own work. And if it is actually good, I might not want it all over the internet for everyone to see/steal/judge. Because perhaps judgment of poetry is meaningless: Judgment of the musings of another?; Judgment with the connotation of possibly depreciating thought?; precious, pure thought under scrutiny? Perhaps it is not.

On another note, I almost wanted to stop writing here after that last post because I liked it too much. I feel it too much. It may have been the most truth I have ever grasped.
If I continue, then I am a contradiction to myself. But then again, humans are a contradiction to themselves. As a human (or the particular type of human I am) I thrive on expression. And if I suppress that, maybe I will become less human. From what I have been thinking lately, perhaps that is a fortune. But, then again, I cannot draw a line between fortune and misfortune, good and bad, love and hate. I will repeat what is probably my most ultimate resolve as of yet (keeping with the assumption that anything I ever state as belief is subject to change). This current resolve is that the more intensely you love something, the more intensely you can or will hate it.

My hatred for people (what we do, how we act) is based on my love of them. I have seen what good we are capable of and am constantly disappointed when we fall so short of that. When I look in the mirror and despise myself-- I despise that I too fall short, I detest that I fall into the category of humanity. Humanity, who I love for our capacity to love; who I hate for our capacity to hate; who by our seeming nature, destroys ourselves both directly, AND by demolishing the very world that gives us life. "It is not that I love man the less, but nature the more." I disagree. I cannot love what destroys that which I love. With that too, I don't completely agree. I can, in fact-- as a part of humanity. "It is not that I love man the less, but nature the more." I disagree. We can love nothing more than we love ourselves, and so we can hate nothing more than we hate...
Again, we are contradiction. Myself too.

Myself included in all my critique of humanity. Why do I stretch myself so thin? To reach that zenith of capability. And since I am falling short, even with such a minimal effort, what am I actually worth? If not to improve this world, why am I a part of it? How am I worth being alive --especially with the destruction to which I contribute so much. If I do not create more than I destroy, then perhaps I am not worthy. And perhaps that is why I suffer. Punishment? Self-punishment? Essence?

But I cannot, I CANNOT continue to live without some purpose. "To be or not to be? That is the question." (I am doing this from memory, so gimme a break). "Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep, no more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream--ay, there's the rub! For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life! For who would bare the whips and scorns of time, the oppressors wrong, the proud man's contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy take, when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bare to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that: the dread of something after death (the undiscovered country from who's bourn no traveler returns), puzzles the will and makes us rather bare those ills we have, than fly to others that we know not of. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, and thus, the native hue of resolution is sicklied over with a pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment, with this regard their currents turn awry and lose thy name of action."

Speaking, typing, hearing this draws out tears. I feel it so strongly. But maybe I disagree, for me. You can tell me I keep alive out of fear. Maybe that is the truth... for many it is. But perhaps I am alive out of hope. And maybe hope and fear have the same roots, or maybe one is a reaction to the other. Maybe they are one and the same. Though I'm actually not sure if I believe that fear is enough to keep me alive (some days the "dread of something after death" could not compete with the dread of life). Maybe hope is, (some days hope that what I do is good enough, or hope that someday something I do will be, moves me along).

Or maybe love is enough. Love of the crescent moon and sparse stars shining through a milky veil of cloud; love of words that try to mimic the beauty and filth of the earth and its inhabitants; love of the questions of the uncertainty (from which we may or may not derive fear); love of hate; hate of love; all the things we embrace; all we feebly try to avoid; feeling alone, being alone, knowing our inherent aloneness, and then somehow finding connection, company, love (however fleeting); those brief moments of strict joy...

i can't write
i can't speak
with convictions i don't have.

and i can't say the things i know
if i want to live the things i know.

and i can't be sorry
that i can't be sorry.

I haven't read your story yet. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. I will! I promise.
Oh, and talking to you today got me listening to RHCP again. Love it.

And you got me in such a good mood that Ari and I went and ran around on the field and played in the mud.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. And miss you terribly.
Thanks for being such a wonderful friend.

Alarms annoy me,
and waking up without enough sleep...
I almost didn't go to the conversation cafe,
but I told Harrison I would since we are roughly at the same level, so I got my butt outta bed.
He didn't show, but all the same,
the rest of us began speaking with the students from Venezuela.
One of the Venezuelan girls was complimented on her fingernails. She offered to do ours, but apparently the other English speaking girl and I cut ours too short... not that I was about to let her mess with them anyway. She also criticized me for picking at my cuticles. I can't care too my about the way my hands look if I plan on climbing like I do.
We split into conversation groups and talked for 2 hours, switching between Spanish and English.
I met a cool guy. Will. Got his number. It was nice to flirt casually. Light and fun. Brief.

A small break for my weighted heart.

I feel okay today. Better than normal.

I stayed up too late reading that book you told me not to read before trying to sleep. It calmed me actually, except that I couldn't put it down.

So, I should go do research, read, keep my mind busy. Maybe this is why I put so much on my plate, and keep myself restricted; I am afraid of this time where I actually have the freedom to make decisions.
Most people do this, I think.

Good news:
Sean is getting out of the Navy.
James got his license.

oh, and something secret! well, its only secret from one of you readers. so ask me in person if you really care to know. its not a big deal, expect for me! yayayayayayay!

I need a soccer ball.

"I wonder if any muses are aware of what they do."
-Nygil

probably not.

So, today wasn't bad by any stretch. But usually my days aren't bad. I just feel miserable no matter what. Today was strange though. I got like super low, then super high, then low, then high. I got a couple naps in so maybe that helped.


I don't want to write.
I don't want to be alone.
I really don't want to be with people either. ...at least, where I am expected to contribute anything. Im just gonna go lay on the guys' living room floor, listen to music, and do some homework.

So I got home from climbing and Carolyn was playing Hallelujah which was literally the perfect song for that moment.

"love is not a victory march,
its a cold and its a broken hallelujah...

but all I've ever learn from love,
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
its not a cry that you hear at night,
its not somebody who's seen the light,
its a cold and its a broken hallelujah."

goddamnit

Anyway, then we were talking about the meaning of names, cause she asked me what my middle name was, and what it meant. And I remembered I had written about it on one of my old blog sites, so I went and sought it out. Chana means "gracious" and "merciful" apparently. Anyway, then I was reading my old blogs and I came across a quote I had put in there. It was from Gatsby:
"no amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart." which I guess I was resonating with at the moment I read it. Now that I think about it, it is eerily similar to what my poem from the other day was talking about.

....
so, the theme of today is
self-worth
and how little of it I feel.

fuck I am so tired. I can't even waste the time trying to explain or understand anything. The time I do waste, I just realized... I am trading one pointless night for another, and neither the one I want.

At least I got some reading done. Not all though. Off to do that.
I did my laundry also. And finally washed my sheets again too, which was much-needed.


feel:

"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And turn out hate in factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And turn out hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"

This song.

----
This is only getting worse, because it is always the same.

"I'll endure countless repeats.
The gift of memory's an awful curse.
With age is just gets much worse.

...and I won't mind."

I just need to sleep.
We moved our contract back a quarter, so we won't be leaving til winter quarter for our study abroad next year. I am so glad we could all agree on that, cause I just couldn't get it together do it this quarter. Now I just have all the normal shit to deal with. Not "normal," but you know... usual.

Tutoring, Spanish, Andean Roots, scholarships, pay deposit for Peru (and the other assortment of things that go along with that), climb, run occasionally, eat (more than occasionally, if I can help it), and everything else that my brain doesn't want to think about anymore right now. I can't even... pull anything more out of my head... so now that I am fairly brain dead maybe I can actually sleep tonight.

"maybe if you slow down for me I could see you're only telling lies, lies, lies."

Kay, yea... I could stay up and listen to Glen for hours, and type out the many lyrics that seem to pertinent to everything. But that would be pointless, and I really do need to sleep.

whythefuck? THIS SHOULDNT FEEL THIS SHITTY! what am I talking about?! Of course it should. it always has. it always will.
jfaionvfauhbnafafabhagarnkvfnklvmlcaiojgagrirhigrngarnvfv kgioag

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I am going to pretend that was out loud, and then go scream into a pillow.

Poetry. I was reading though some of my old poetry journals the other night. Most of it was nothing special: pretty typical teenage shit. Not to say that I don't enjoy rereading them. For my age at the time (not that age really means anything) some of the thoughts I had were fairly profound. Things I would never think about now. That aspect is really cool. Also, they often read like journals to me. During a lot of the time when I wrote "poetry" I didn't keep a journal or a blog, so some of those memories are definitely preserved in my poems. I still have most of the drafts but they are pretty hard to read with all the scratch-outs and things. I rewrote them in 3 composition notebooks, with gel pens and explanations of my emotions or inspirations. I don't know why I felt the need to call everything I wrote poetry at that point. I mean, many of them simply are a bit of venting, or a thought I needed to write down, but it was not done very poetically. Whatever. I really don't care to prescribe exclusive titles to things unless for some obscure reason it is necessary. I guess though, it is refreshing to write something slightly more poetic, rather than my usual. That is where "things we lost" came from. Well, I don't really know where it came from. I had no clue I had the capacity to write like that anymore. Not that it is even really all that great, but just that it is a completely different style, much more structured than I have written in years. So it was kinda cool to see that come out of me.

Today we seminared on Gaviotas. I enjoyed that book too much to really be enthused about seminaring on it. I mean... people always manage to find so many things to criticize. Granted, there needs to be some degree of critique in the world for progress to be made. Well, that is actually debatable, in some senses. We even talked about that in seminar: what is the motivation for such a community? I mean, everyone in Gaviotas was just doing... what made them come alive, essentially. And that turned into this most perfect, imperfect community. I guess I am just sick of our constant expectation of perfection. We can only strive for so much, and progress is better than nothing. Critique moves progress along, but only if it is reasonable. Gaviotas was far ahead of its time anyway, and some of the problems with it which are controversial now, were actually fairly progressive then, in that culture... or subculture, I suppose. But if we expect perfection, nothing will ever be attempted, and no progress will ever be made. I guess that is a lesson I could adopt. In many aspects I already have. Like I have stated before, if I expected amazing work every time I wrote something down, I would never write. Ben Garrison gets it. He understands that balance. I think he's one of the coolest guys I've met. He is very passionate about things, but will express his opinion with a soft voice. He always has interesting, insightful ideas to contribute to class, and is never overbearing about it. Gosh, I am sitting here trying to think of how to describe him, but nothing is right. No description could properly portray him, as is with most people, but in any case I think he is incredible from what little interaction we have had. I hope to get to know him better in Peru.

So what the fuck? Whats been up with me? ...since I haven't really spelled it out in a while.
I don't think I can try to spell it out right now. I'm almost too tired to think. But I have been absorbing information all fucking day, and I really just need to expel some energy. I guess the main thing is that sleeping has not been working so well for me. I toss and turn for hours once I'm in bed, even if my mind and body are exhausted. My brain... won't shut up. I make lists, I write my thoughts down, I breathe deeply, I drink water. I exercise physically and mentally all day long, and its never enough to get me to crash when my head hits the pillow.

I have... a few main thoughts, big questions, giant questionable urges, that just circle and circle. Possibilities that make so much sense as I am lying in bed. And I resolve to carry them out, to figure them out. But then I wake up... my resolve seems dumb, and all that thought, all that scheming, all that time I should have been sleeping, means nothing, because nothing will come of it. Not in the light of day.

I hate what love is doing to me. What its always done to me, and I guess what it does to everyone. It just skews everything. As if everything wasn't already skewed. Reality is fucking absurdity (all dressed up in a three piece suit), to paraphrase... someone. Alicia told me that quote when I kept insisting Evergreen had been sucked into a black hole. Everything was so obscure. It doesn't feel as strange anymore, but... that is probably because I have gotten acquainted with the idea that so much of life is pure chaos (like Gaviotas was too).

About the poem I posted earlier, The World, and about everything else:
I feel sick. Anxious. So often my stomach turns inside me at these thoughts. At all the possibilities I see.

*hangs head*
there is something I really really need to say, or do. Maybe saying it won't be enough.

..........

Well I just spilled a bit to Ariel who came in to show me her project. I feel better having sort of expressed some of it. There still needs to be more, but that will come a different day.

Tomorrow (today) I am going to go to work where I will do some tutoring and probably some homework. And then after work, at 3, I'm just gonna go straight to the gym where I am just gonna climb (maybe taking some reading breaks) right up until I have to go to Spanish at 6. And I am gonna blast Glen Hansard at the gym if no one else is there, cause that will just be heaven! Then I will eat dinner after Spanish, do some work, maybe talk to the guys about our contract.

I am thinking I still might change my meal plan. I am gonna waste so many block meals if Ari and Cari keep cooking for me, which is far superior to the Greenery anyway. Plus I should probably just use the money I'd spend on block meals, and give it to them for ingredients and such.

Okay. Well it is good that I am purged of some thought. I'm gonna go try to sleep. After I listen to Glen belt it out for a bit. Gotta love his voice, and his poetry. <3

"I couldn’t tell one song from another,

which bird said what or to whom or for what reason.

The oak tree seemed to be writing something using very few words.

I couldn’t decide what door to open – they looked the same, or what

would happen when I did reach out and turn a knob. I thought I was safe,

standing there

but my death remembered its date:

only so many summer nights still stood before me, full moon, waning moon,

October mornings: what to make of them? which door?

I couldn’t tell which stars were which or how far away any one of them was,

or which were still burning or not – their light moving through space like a

long

late train – and I’ve lived on this earth so long – 50 winters, 50 springs and

summers,

and all this time stars in the sky – in daylight

when I couldn’t see them, and at night when, most nights, I didn’t look."

-Marie Howe

Sandy read this in our meeting today. I laughed at the time because of how pertinent it felt. Thought I should post it here. Possibility based on choice and time and timing. *sigh*

The stone concept of contemptuous murder to idea, thought, desire,
we fight with dreams in days and night,
we strive against with internal fire,
doused again by doubt, and of remembrance rather forgotten;
blinded by shattered flame, foresight lost in the mist of steam,
of sizzling, dispersing dream.

Risk to consume tainted air, to capture particles of soul,
open wide arms, hearts, minds... to lies,
grasping wildly, discovering nothing of old.
Only new flesh smeared across the palm;
ash cooled -- heated resolution made frail and cold.

Form-fitting face-mask worn drearily, drawn daily
from fuel, smothered under the weight.

That was interesting.

or maybe even less.

-buy plane tickets
-apply for scholarships for next year
-read Gaviotas
-write paper for Gaviotas
-read part 1 of The Peru Reader
-do laundry
-pay credit charges
-RESEARCH PAPER! (fuck)
-do Spanish homework (oh fuck... call Ben L)

there is more, I'm sure.

so last night was shit
today was shit

emotionally i am... fucking fried.
i just cranked Swell Season, curled up in the cave today, and cried.
Eric found me. Didn't know what to do, not that there was anything to do.

This evening was better.worse.the same. who knows? it was better, whatever that means, because of the company (and not just the fact that I had company, but the quality of it). it was worse also, because its all more real. and its the same because maybe my resolves are different, but my questions: some were answered, most were only further complicated.

I really just need to sleep, and read my book, and do my work, and not think too much. But I also have so much I need to think about, decisions to make...

I sincerely wish I could express the depth of confusion I have right now. I feel almost... petrified.

so i just realized. if all goes according to plan, this will be my last quarter at Evergreen until next Spring.

I am gonna miss the Writing Center, a lot.
I am gonna make myself sick if I keep thinking so far ahead, but it really is hard not to. See, I don't know how this is going to work, cause I have to get it all worked out this quarter cause most of it I won't be able to do in Peru. And then... I think they are supposed to be done a quarter before the contract occurs, which I believe means Spring Quarter, not Summer. So...

Anyway. Tonight isn't the time to think about it. However, I don't seem to have much control over my brain lately.

Climbing is a good example. But as soon as I turned out Swell Season that seemed to help. I think I wanna go again tomorrow. 4 days in a row? Probably not that healthy, but I seriously don't think I am gonna have much time to do it when work starts. Fuck.

Don't take this too seriously, but I think I'm gonna go cry. I'm not about to jump out a window or anything... I just really need to let some of this out.

Ari and Cari are probably tired of the screaming and yelling about it. Running and climbing seem to only do so much. And writing... well... that helps too. But i just want a good cry, and I think I deserve it. This is emotional stuff.

ok, I've said enough. Time to go hug pillows.



oh, and the reason for the title of the post is because when Death Cab released "Plans" Ben Gibbard talked in an interview about a quote he likes about how god laughs at us when we make plans.
I mean, yea you could take it all religiously... like god has some sort of plan greater than we could have for ourselves. but me not believing in god... I like the idea because its true; we stress over shit and we don't have a clue what is actually going to happen, or how the way we act will affect other things.
And then they released their DVD of music videos with the songs from Plans on it and it was called Directions, which I named one of my journals.
So I guess plans should be thought of as more of a trajectory the; the direction we think we are going. But here I am with a compass but no bearing, like i said last night. well maybe i have a bearing, but it is for the wrong place and time. oh dear. i need to quit now.

anyway, doesn't really matter. the difference between definitions of words... and all these other metaphors are just tripping me out. well fuck. i am clearly to tired to think. or write.
sort of just disregard the last bit of this.

haha. goodnight.

...

...

am gonna go write elsewhere.

Holy shit....

40ish minute run. Eh. Not so great, but the thoughts of wanting to maintain some energy for climbing were interfering with my drive to keep going. Plus, Eric was running with me... walking practically at my speed. Ick, I am slow. Anywho, I wouldn't have even run today since Carolyn decided not to. But Eric wanted to do something and I guess running was common ground. It felt like it went by faster with company, or maybe I just ran faster cause I didn't want to hold him back (did anyway). But it was cool to hang out with him 1 on 1 even though we didn't talk much. That's the first time we really talked 1 on 1 at all, besides texts.

Anywho... climbing tonight. And Zach said we were gonna talk about our contract for next year sometime tonight too. So, in the meantime I should probably do some research while I have a couple hours. I am getting a little anxious cause my seminar book for next week hasn't come yet.

Starting next week, Wednesdays aren't gonna be this wonderfully free. :/

you know that point where it seems that nothing could get anymore complicated, but then it does?


we have arrived.

I want
i want
i want
i want


"Low rising, we've gotta come up, we've gotta come up.
Low rising, cause I fear we've had enough.
Low rising, cause there's no further for us to fall.
Low rising, oh for the love of you...
For the love of you.
Low rising,
Low rising, I wanna sit you down and talk."

I want
I feel

Damn it.


"Alone in our rooms, miserable. A tornado or an owl, come back and isolate the balance."

Just sleep.
Fucking sleep.

(I'm doing fine, I'm sure. This is all just new to me. I don't know what its like to...
Sad, to me... I don't know what is anymore. Not sad. It just gets curiouser and curiouser. I feel I have no bearing, so even if I had any direction, I would still be led astray. Astray, astray. Away from what? See. Its all just floating now. And I am laughing more -crying less- but I don't think of that as better; quite possibly -dare I say- worse. But I am fine, if you know what that word means in my head. You said you'd shut down. I think I'm shutting down. Differently. No one will see it. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to please...
Just please, don't...)

I told you, I need to sleep.

I know... It's almost beyond insanity. I might move my Wednesday hours at the Writing Center to Friday. I really don't know. I need to see which way is more conducive to me actually using my free time for my research/school work. I am gonna need severe help keeping focused.

I am actually genuinely terrified for next week, when tutoring starts.

I just re-read my letter. It reminded my why I have to tread lightly; Why things are the way they are. It reminded me that I understand more about this than my mind wants to think I do. It reminded me that I kinda already know all the answers that anyone has right now. No one knows. We are confused. And maybe I just shouldn't push something further when it already feels so precarious. Maybe I just need to wait, and wait, and wait... And maybe someday I will lose interest in waiting, and look somewhere else for what I found here. Or maybe...




anyway. It is late. I need to sleep. Here are some thoughts I had while talking to Tyler tonight. Hope you don't mind me posting part of the convo, Ty. I will take it down if you do. The first part are just things I wrote to him as I thought of them. Then there is a snippet of interactive conversation:

"i do a lot more thinking than crying though. i mean, i guess thats good
until i get stuck on somehting like tony
i donno. i have somehow managed to push a lot of things below
i dont know if that is good or bad
or if is just a result of not being overwhelmed with work AND emotions
i anticipate my usual self to come back when they quarter picks up
though i sincerely hope there arent any terrible turns like last quarter"

"i donno. about anything.
im tired of wondering about everything
and not ever being sure"

*alex* says:
it would be nice to be able to trust something... something sturdy that won't let me slip off the wall so fast, without warning.
i am rereading my journal now. i remember what i mean about thinking more than crying
i think it means, i am not showing outward what i am feeling inside. at least not the bad things
i am filling up this journal fast, with all these thoughts i dont want other people to hear/read
Tyler says:
I do that. But with drawings.
the quarter hasn't started and I'm a quarter of the way through my sketch book
although I take those drawings out
it helps me feel my emotions without having to express them for everyone to see.
*alex* says:
i find that... to be completely false
for me
Tyler says:
Well I draw like I'm talking to someone. its a conversation. and then its not a secret any more. its alive for me to see... and feel.
You write to remember though, don't you?
*alex* says:
no
i feel that too
same with when i am climbing
running
anything
its a conversation with myself, and with... thoughts, or with the rock, or with the ground



What I just said, in that last part, is something I wrote about in my journal. There are things I have written that I really want to share with maybe some people, certain people. And there are some that I want to post here... but I am really emotionally attached to them, and almost don't want to put them on the internet for someone to potentially steal. Not that they are even worthy of that, but they are precious thoughts (like all are, I suppose), and they are mine. And I want them to stay mine. Anyway... one is inspired by that painting Amanda made for me... of the tree. I wrote it over the break, and it was amazing how the picture captured the emotions I was feeling, and evoked from me the exact words I needed to express. Someday I might put it up.
There are things in this current journal... ways of writing that I haven't attempted for a while. Just very... raw I guess. Lots of questions. Lots of... not answers, but... truths, I guess. Not solid, end-all truths about the world. But just little truths about myself. Who I am. Why I am. What really is the cause of some of this anxiety. What does actually alleviate some of it. Its really honest. I guess that's why its important for some of it to be "private." But I don't think that is because I feel the need to be private, for me. It is more for the sake of others. I use to be able to put that sort of stuff on here, but I guess I got sick of... making people feel like I had judged them, or betrayed them with something I said (even if it wasn't really about them). I don't feel like I say mean things in my journal. I have, in the past (on my blog too). But that isn't the issue here. Its just... I guess where I put my expression of somewhat rash emotions; where I can question their truth without anyone else having to question it too ...or without having to hurt someone by thinking something that isn't necessarily true or false, just a thought or question (but also isn't quite "socially acceptable," or whatever you want to call it). I guess in a way that is to save face... to keep it private for my own good. But honestly, I could post it all here, and be fine with whatever consequences it might stir up. I would be fine with people knowing. It would just make many things more complicated, and it might hurt people who don't need to be hurt.

Well, that's all. As always, I could keep going. But it is way too late for anything more.

After all of that, Ariel takes a shower.

So naturally, with this golden opportunity, I put Bianca in front of the door.

When Ari is done with her shower she comes out and there Bianca is waiting for her. Ari falls against the wall and screams at the top of her lungs.

Then she slams the door at me while I try to take a picture.

There is where she went wrong. While she was recovering from one prank, I have time to grab Bianca and place him in Ari's room where she left the lights off and the door cracked open slightly. I have just enough time to slid the door back into place before she comes charging out of the bathroom. I am laughing so hard that my repeated apology actually seems somewhat sincere. Then she walks in her bedroom door...

At this scream, I seriously think I am about to get hurt. So I scramble to my room and lock the door.

There was no violence or retaliation... yet.
But don't worry:
I will always be ready.

Fun first class of the quarter today. Practiced converting things to the metric system. Discussed research stuffs.

Writing Center meeting.
I was bursting with joy after that. Seriously. I love when I come out of the feeling like I can fly.

Went to dinner with Alicia.

Went climbing with the guys.
So good to be back at that with new shoes and more solid hands. <3


That was my day. It was so much more than that though. As always.
I am definitely listening to [somewhat] random music: Faith Hill, Fiddler on the Roof Soundtrack, who knows what else...?
Its midnight. I'm tired. No work this week, so I don't have to get up early. Well actually Ben and I and people are going out to breakfast. Woot.

Sooo yea. Ariel just died on the floor because her bed is COVERED in her stuff and she just wants to sleep. So I cranked "To Life" and did some random Russian/old-man/ridiculous-Alex-nonsense dance, and almost killed her. She likes me cause I make her laugh.


Oh, yea. And then I just made Bianca peer around the corner so when Ariel came back from the kitchen he would be staring creepily around the corner at her. "UH NO HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME. I am NOT looking forward to Bianca anymore." -Ariel.

She screamed so fucking loud.

Omg.
Cari and Ari are yelling at each other. I love how I can get away with that shit and Carolyn just has suggest sexual things about her and a certain boy... and BAM. hahahah

I love you guys. Cari, lets all be nice and not embarrass each other around these important people. PLEASE!

"UMM, I will cut-a-bitch-up. I am NOT. AFRAID. OF BIANCA! ...I am sleeping with weapons." -Ari

I'm gonna go make more laughter.
Maybe more words later.

from the automatic reply email that I got after sending my Science Camp application in:
"I will begin to review application material immediately and plan to make initial offers by the start of March 2008."

Killoqua's gonna get it done way sooner than that, their email suggests.

so...
do I have faith that I get the Science Camp job (even if it's a long shot), and just ask to work the second half of the summer at Killoqua? Or do I just take the job at Killoqua and ensure myself the entire summer of work?

Questions
questions. Always more questions.

No obligations,
and nothing to do.

I must be dreaming.

Yea, who am I kidding. There is always something more that needs to get done, or that could happen. Possibility. I think I stretched it enough with those texts. We'll see.

If I was really psycho I'd go running. But... I am already chilled, have a headache, and...
its almost dark. (So many meaningless excuses).


Well anyway, I could definitely work on my research project. I guess that's what I will do, at least until Ari and Cari get back from the airport. Unless something fun comes up...

I will make myself top ramen, grab my 500 books, and try to narrow this project so I can feel less overwhelmed once everything else in my life starts going 100 miles an hour.

I finished applying to Science Camp. And Killoqua. Hoping Science camp replies first so I know what dates I am available for Killoqua. If not, I might not be working half the summer. Instead, I could hang out in Honduras longer, or... when I fly into Miami, I could start hiking up the east coast, or something crazy like that. It'd be an adventure for sure. Or I could come back here and maybe work at Summer Winds some of the earlier weeks. Or get some yard work jobs. Or just go climbing in North Bend everyday. hahah...

Okay. Enough planning for now. Let's see what happens.

"Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him."

I don't really feel like making any declarations to anyone, which is why this blog feels too public. But that isn't why it is really here. It is here for me, to express. And if others wish to read these expressions, that is by their own choice. But remember: This is my blog, this is my space, and there is something I want to express right now.

This is a new year, which in all reality means very little to me. It means I can think of it as a beginning, just as I can think of any day as such. But days mean almost as little as years. And I don't mean that the time is insignificant, but that our definition of the beginnings and endings are only made because of rotations of celestial bodies, because of circles --and circles don't begin or end. And well, they are not even necessarily circles. They aren't drawing lines that form a circle. The lines these rotations draw form a sphere, or maybe even a spiral. I like the idea of a spiral, because spirals don't have to end, but they also don't have to repeat. They are movements across time as well as space.

What I mean by all of this is that I use "Each Day" as a motivation to make every day of my life count for something (whatever that means). But what is a day? It is the rising and falling of the sun (from our perspectives); It is the rotation of the Earth on itself and around the sun. Nothing is really beginning, nothing is really ending. All of this doesn't matter. All of this, we already know. The "beginning" and "end" of each "day," each "season," each "year," is but a symbol to remind us that time (as we think if it) has passed, is passing; to remind us that change is always upon us. We shouldn't wait for a new day to change, and we surely shouldn't wait for a new year. Not if we already see the changes we want to make.

So, its "2010." That reminds me that "2000" (10 "years" ago) feels not so far away, because there are specific moments from that time that I can still vividly recall. But so much change has happened since then; in my life, in the world. 10 "years" ago, I was 10 "years" old. It feels so strange to me to mark time in such a way, but the only other way is to describe the difference between having lived on this planet (in this form) for 10 rotations around the sun, and for 20. That's simple enough.
No, not really. Though, right now, I don't have the time or the will to explain how complicated it is, or even how it is complicated.

Anyway, the declaration I was going to say for myself is something I couldn't put into words. But if I could it would probably use the words: change. love. power. presence. and something about how the quote above, that I found on Jess's facebook page, feels like something I really needed to hear. I was getting so caught up in some things, with some people (especially some people planning on coming to this school) that I just don't need to deal with anymore. Of course their existence and presence in my life have influenced me and maybe it will again. But I am taking new roads, and even if they feel like they are following behind closely, they aren't. I don't have to listen to their psychobabble. I don't have to let them bring me down. Maybe I will anyway... or maybe I actually don't have a choice in the matter. But I am going to try to be better than that. I'm sick of feeling insignificant, betrayed, looked down on.

and there is always more I want to say...
always more I need to do
want to do.
So...

do I always dream about my teeth falling out?

or maybe it's just me.

love


*bangs head on desk*

Stress is already consuming me, and school hasn't even started yet! AHH! At least I don't start tutoring til week 2.

Before classes start I need to finish my applications for Killoqua and Science camp (that means I need to do them tonight and tomorrow).
Also tomorrow I need to go climbing, even if that means breaking into the climbing gym. Seriously, unless it is warm enough to run tomorrow, the gym NEEEEDS to open up or I will combust.

planescuzcoschedulemoneyapplicationsjobstimeworkblarg! This is the planning I need to get done NOW.
there is gonna be toooo much this quarter. 10-12 hours of work per week in the Writing Center. 12 credit core class. 4 credit spanish class. Climbing. Running. Sleeping. Planning for my trips (flights, expenses, dates, packing, ect.)

Ok.
But!
Tonight is my last night of freedom!
So now that I'm temporarily purged of these thoughts, I'm gonna go have fun.

...good line.

NEW YEAR.
NEW DECADE.

And its just another day, as always. But last night and this morning were kinda fun anyway. Hahah, like REALLY fun. Seeing Avatar again!! Going to sketch diners and pigging out on gross food. Getting into a building downtown and watching the Space Needle fireworks from some random person's office on the 15th floor. Playing hide and seek in the offices. Driving around singing. Taking 2 hours to find a 24 hour Safeway. Pigging out on veggies and cookies and pop while playing fucking MASH and Truth on the sailboat. The wind knocks us into the dock all night, not allowing me to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. Dreaming about random romantic encounters. Coffee with family and friends in the morning. Headed back to Evergreen!

"It's too bad.
It's too bad that the world will end some day;

but the universe'll surely make fine use
of our former home's particles,
setting them loose."