I didn't feel so angry today. Well... tonight.
I feel sort of sad. And being sad kinda makes me angry at myself. (Sometimes emotions are for so many selfish and small reasons.)

I am listening to Jack Johnson, cause I guess its how I feel. Softly emotional. Sorta longing. Sorta sad. Sorta hopeful. Holding truth and also escapism.

I'm tired and I don't want to get my heart rate up. Maybe I shouldn't read anymore tonight. I should read some more of Conservation Refugees, but as you can see from the last post it doesn't really inspire calmness. I could read Kokoro... but my mind is already there. Eclipse is on the shelf begging me to discover more, but I can never close those books with a steady heartbeat. The Road. I guess I could read some of that... except...

Well, if I'm not going to do school work I should probably just sleep. I need to write for a bit though first.
Oh, and shoot some emails off.

I am not going to talk about blowing up buildings tonight though. I had a dream about you last night. It had been a couple weeks now since I woke up feeling that way. When I was fully conscious that it was a dream I just wanted to go back to sleep for the day. It didn't put a sour note on my day or anything, in fact I didn't even think about it again until earlier tonight. Tonight was nice. Went climbing with Eric and Tyler and FINALLY finished Open Your Chakras (ironic since I meditated for the first time last weekend, and have been working on that route for like... ALL YEAR, and only just got it). I also remembered how to get to the top of the cave on Little Chikas, and made some progress on that. I didn't feel like a climber today. I didn't even really feel like climbing today. But I did alright, and it made me happier than I could have imagined. I guess maybe I forgot about that part of it...
Pain didn't bother me today though, so that was good.


Then I went home briefly to get some school work together and .... LAUNDRY! FUCK I FORGOT MY LAUNDRY IN THE HCC. Damnit. Now its locked. Ah well.... I will get it in the morning.

I headed to the guys place right as Zach was leaving to go climbing....
Daniel and Eric were making tacos so I helped with that.
Ate delicious food. Hung out. "Did homework" and watched/played a bit of Katamari. (It reminded me of being at Nathan's Issaquah house with Zak and Alex B playing video games all the time.) Zach returned. We all talked and continued playing stupid games. Ari and Cari stopped by :) and stole Daniel and Tyler away to Safeway. I left briefly after that.

I feel so pathetic. I waste all night sitting, waiting, knowing nothing more will happen, except brief eye contact, maybe a smile... maybe a criticism, but I always hope for encouragement or a compliment.
So I should feel pathetic. Its disgraceful what we do in love.

When I long to feel beautiful I just remind myself how ugly we all are.

I need to shower. I need to sleep.