finding it really hard to write here anymore.

bursting to express something but it all feels wrong. here's too public. journal's too private.


one thing I can think to share is this: a couple weeks ago while lying on my bed i looked up to see my peace flags in the corner of my room, and i misread one:

"we can be
the wish
we change to see."

after rolling my eyes at my brain for being such a spazz, i decided i actually like the flip. it doesn't really alter the sentiment of the actual quote... perhaps refreshes it.

be the wish
be the wish

(what's the wish?)

"a blizzard of cherry blossoms" he said.
she and i sat on the floor pulling the yellow
from the green
and outside grey cloud trees rained
white pink spring
and
it smelled like a memory.


------------------------------------------------------
new train of thought
------------------------------------------------------


so, don't take this the wrong way, but i've been thinking a lot about marriage.
look,
i'm in love
with Wendell Berry
and the man has a lot to say about marriage (and everything). so i've been thinking about it (everything, that is). and anyway, there are about 500 quotes/poems/essays of his that i want to post/write about.
some other time, i suppose.
in the meantime, here's a poem of his i found just tonight that feels really present:


“Geese appear high over us,
pass, and the sky closes. Abandon,
as in love or sleep, holds
them to their way, clear
in the ancient faith: what we need
is here. And we pray, not
for new earth or heaven, but to be
quiet in heart, and in eye,
clear. What we need is here." 

that I broke something crystal
under the bed.
I imagined a castle
shattered by my own hasty hand.
I was afraid to look and
I didn't tell anyone.

Even though they scared me
I crawled down the ladder stairs
by myself.

I tried to get into the dark room
of iguanas and stars
where the boys watched a dragon movie,
but they didn't want someone in there
who cried over crystal
and worried that the reptile's cage
was too small.

We were in town for a wedding
and I don't remember
hearing
"in sickness and in health."
I guess the grown-ups didn't either.

We shatter things that are precious
and lock our little sisters
outside;
trap life in cages,
and hide beauty under beds
where it won't get broken.

But it does anyway.

I remember the day. 

love each other better.

"Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?

Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection."

Wendell Berry

"Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow
because even today I still arrive.

Look deeply: I arrive in every second
to be a bud on a spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and
death of all that are alive.
 
I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river,
and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time
to eat the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond,
and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks,
and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to
Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea
pirate,
and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and
loving.

I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my
hands,
and I am the man who has to pay his "debt of blood" to, my
people,
dying slowly in a forced labor camp.

My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all
walks of life.
My pain if like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open,
the door of compassion."
Thich Nhat Hanh

Who cannot be bought;
Whose word is their bond;
Who put character above wealth;
Who possess opinion and a will;
Who are larger than their vocations;
Who do not hesitate to take chances;
Who will not lose their individuality in a crowd;
Who will be as honest in small things as in great things;
Who will make no compromise with wrong;
Whose ambitions are not confined to their own selfish desires;
Who will not say that they do it “because everybody else does it”
Who are true to their friends through good report and evil report, in adversity as well as prosperity;
Who do not believe that shrewdness, cunning, and hardheadedness are the best qualities for winning success;
Who are not ashamed or afraid to stand for the truth when it is unpopular;
Who can say “no” with emphasis, although all the rest of the world says “yes”
~~~Ted W. Engstrom ~~~~

For National Poetry Writing Month, I have written a poem each day for the past 10 days (except I missed Saturday... though, to be fair, I had written a couple extras in the days before). 20 more days to go. But it's so surprisingly what I look forward to every day that I may continue the ritual indefinitely.
I typed em up, but I wimped out on posting them yet. Maybe one tomorrow.

A woman on FaceTribe posted two amazing stories:

One:

"Today at the laundromat, the man was standing in an odd way, hunched yet looking ready to pounce. I asked if he was using the wheeled laundry basket near him. He mumbled something incoherent and made an odd gesture. I'm accustomed to people around here purposefully being vague as a power trip, that way any action you take they can act 'diss-ed' by and put you down for it. I didn't want to play that game today, so I said, "I'm sorry, I couldn't understand your response, was that a yes or a no?" More incoherency and a stronger, indecipherable gesture. With a thank you, I took the cart.

Over the next hour I watched him, always odd, strange eyed, not responding or interacting 'normally.' He wandered, fiddled with odd things, kept his back to the wall, kept glancing to the door. He never spoke to anyone, and generally kept his eyes averted from anyone else's. He began to look like a little boy who was trying to act cool but who was actually really scared.

As I was folding the last of my sheets a woman came in, gave this man a smile, a gentle touch on his shoulder and a kiss. His whole demeanor softened, his eyes bathed in her face. He smiled. Her hands started moving. Slow, cautious sign language. He responded slow, measured, as though just learning.

As I was walking out, the staff woman, who had seen me watching them together, told me "He came back from Iraq two years ago deaf, and was so angry he refused to learn sign language. He made it his New Years resolution this year to learn. He said he's doing it because he loves his wife so much."

It is so easy for me to judge, to assume, to become fearful. Yet, I never know a stranger's story. Never.

May I ever grow in my compassion. Ever grow. ah ho."

Two:

"Easter morning:
The sound was unmistakable - adult bird stuck in the rain gutter down spout, about mid second story. I investigated and said "There's nothing I can do. I don't have an extension ladder, the screws are rusted stuck and the pipe is anchored into the building mortar." Two hours later the pipe was cut, the mortar chiseled out, eight feet of jammed debris removed and an adult black bird came flying out to gracefully land on the wires across the street. I learned the bird had been in there for many days. There was fresh greenery among the stuck debris, she was nest building when she fell in. Later on a very skinny black bird landed on the tree near me and tweeted and chirped as I gardened.

At first I was hopeless saying there was nothing I could do. But I found I could do a lot. I could open the tomb. Happy Easter!"

 

i am so covered in darkness, but there is so much light.

hah, a year ago yesterday I wrote "i honestly don't think i will finish this quarter" which is exactly how i felt yesterday. i guess got through it before, so i can do it again.
it'd be great if i could enjoy it.

though I've never quite felt how i feel right now...
and words that i could say here wouldn't start to express it.