[the] increase

twist

growing [inside]

ordering

slide [hard]

sigh

sharp

recoil [from]

bend

silence
[radical] space

[in]stability
chaos


my mind is high, and my heart is sinking.
I don't get these feelings.
Are these even feelings?

[not enough] exchange

touch
hold.

its doesn't work
to explain things
with single word
statements.

-got some research done (even got to talk to Matt about my project which already made it so much stronger and better and I am really getting excited about it now!)
-got my paper done
-talked to Alicia
-hung out with Ariel and Carolyn briefly
-ate food (thanks Alicia and Em)
-ran
-showered
-unpacked
-finished my application for PERU!!!

did i forget anything?
Spanish. hahahah, of course.

fuck it. I'm printing this shit and going to bed!

that was arguably one of my best runs ever. I did 5 miles in 40ish minutes.

There are some really good running songs by Deadmau5, so that helped.
I also did some of my application in my head along the way which kept my mind off the distance. That is one thing that is really fragile about running for me... if my mind isnt in the right place, I can still get the run done, but it takes 10times the amount of motivation. Sometimes I am just wanting to get the run over with so I'm aware of where I am the whole time, making it seem to take forever, and always considering shortcuts and stuff. I almost never take short cuts, only if I'm under a time constraint, but when its on my mind, the distance gets to me (even though its only 5 miles). I think that's the problem with running the same route, I know the amount of energy it is going to take, and sometimes I just don't want to do it again. Running at home was a nice change last week. I only did it once, but Mom suggested the loop down Middle Fork and it was perfect. Then being back on campus today, for some reason I started with a faster pace than normal and just kept going fast.

Anyway, about my mind. Deadmau5 is good music because it has a fast beat and very few songs have words. It helped me to set my pace, and then kinda lose myself in the progression of the song, which allowed me to focus on answering the application questions in my head. I think I am going to go fill that out now, and then crank out my essay, and go back to the application and rework my answers. I can't believe it is due tomorrow. Scary.
But no seminar reading for next week! But in its place my project proposal is due this Thursday, along with a summative integration paper...
fuck. (yay for all nighters?)

I'm glad I ran, but I have very little time to do a lot of work,
and I'm covered in sweat and freezing, but Em is in the bath.

So that might be my only run this week, until Friday.
How about I try to eat healthier than I did last week? Sounds good.
Dinner tonight? no clue...

*sigh*
...as fast as I go, I just can't keep up with everything.

there's a lot on my mind. and there's a lot i need to do.
I should run, but i don't think i'm going to today. i'd have to leave now to get back by dark... and fuck it... now i'm motivated to go.
haha..


but i also need to write. i wrote 4 pages in my journal today. two more and it is filled; time to start a new one.

I need to unpack
write a paper
do research and sort out my project
take a shower (i'm so gross right now)
study spanish and catch up on the work
fill out my application for the Peru trip
and sleep, since i didnt last night
plus Ariel and Carolyn are coming back
i'd also like to see how Alicia is doing

fuck. i really don't have time to run. or work through all my thoughts.
i promised myself today would be dedicated to homework...

and shit came up.

well

it doesnt really matter,
all these little things...

life's gonna surprise me again soon enough. and all my plan's will
i think im gonna run. clear my head during the run. take a shower. and them buckle down on work (yeaaa...)

well fuck this though. im just wasting time.

good or bad, life is amazing.

If I could put it to words, I would.

well...
we can blame it on Jupiter's alignment, or just pure idiocy...
it doesn't really matter.

I'm not really as bad as I think I feel, I hope.
Glad that made sense, nothing else does.



It's really okay though. Its funny how fucking okay it actually is. Especially with this music. Its just so fucking wonderful when my current soundtrack really does parallel my life quite nicely. I mean, it makes me feel like I am where I should be. Oh, and listening to people sing their souls into songs I can relate to, that helps too... it makes me feel less alone, less stranded in the middle of nothingness. And this soundtrack makes me feel surrounded, which is good because that is what I am. I am surrounded by...
...there is no word for it.

I think I know what’s on your mind
A couple words, a great divide
Waiting in the wings, a small respite
Crowding up the foreground from behind

Even though you’re the only one I see
It's the last catastrophe
Place your bets on chance and apathy

Take anything you want, it’s fine
Keep up the slow life for the night
Don’t take it back, I’ll just deny
This constant noise all the time

Even though you’re the only one I see
It's the last catastrophe
Place your bets on chance and apathy
From the wind in front of me



All I know... this soundtrack, and this movie, and the book too, are beautiful. And so is this fucking life I'm living.
I stand by it: pain and misery are beautiful. So beautiful that I might plead addiction. Maybe that's why I always end up falling, cause I let go. Maybe not. I'm just trying to do what feels right. Is that so wrong? Or is it not about it being wrong?
wait... this reminds me of Into the Woods. oh god, i love that musical. harsh, but it tells it like it is.

so, now... there are things I need to go do. One of them being sleep. Another being homework. And a third being making a decision because of a stupid decision I made before. I already took a shower. A long shower, not hot or cold. Not to feel anything, or numb myself, but just to get clean.

Laugh.
I'm serious.
Laugh.
Life is so goddamn funny and fucked up.
But I can't even laugh right now. I'm gonna go sleep, find some rest for my mind, where I'm at least not consciously twisting ideas until they snap. Then I'm gonna go read, and instead of doing what I always do (integrate personal life into the book) I am going to immerse myself in the story, and limit my thoughts from beyond interpreting the words.

After that, I hope that maybe I won't have to play pretend all night, but I probably will, which is why I at least need to escape expectations for a little while.

I'm sorry.

Watching New Moon again tonight got me thinking a lot. Tyler asked what I liked about seeing it for the second time. I liked that I got to feel it this time. The night I first saw it, I was fairly numbed by joy and overcome by the ways of the world, and just so happy that I was seeing the movie, and being with the people I was with, and that so many things had seemed to work out. I couldn't feel the emotions that the book had evoked from me because happiness was overwhelming. But I let it be. I needed to feel overwhelmed by something other than despair. But when I saw it tonight, in light of recent events, it really brought me into my mind again. I got home and turned on the soundtrack and just laid on my futon and thought for an hour or so. I felt panicked. I felt dark and I was scared I was falling backwards again. I was lonely, and i wanted to feel... home, love. but i was home, sitting in my room; i felt restless, but i could sit, and be held by this comfortable place where i could sit and think in peace... safe.

And I was thinking about love (not that I hadn't already been thinking about it). Then on facebook I had a short exchange with Brian about the "love" story that Twilight is... much of it has been omitted but it was basically::

B: and i wouldnt cal that love :( sorryalex. i call that obsession with extreme infatuation
A: obsession is a real part of love, especially in relationship at that age. but that doesnt mean it isnt love. ... See Morethere are many types of love, many ways to love another person. they might not all be the most healthy, but they are very real.
B: it is a completly unhealthy relationship.to be at a level that you absolutly cannot live without the other person, i think is unhealthy.
A:but i still think that is a strong type of love... when you find someone who can make you happy beyond anything else that could go wrong. dangerous, but powerful. and yet, still not the most powerful, arguable. a more powerful love is one in which you choose the person because you want them, not because you need them. and that comes with trial, and time.

I'm lucky enough to have been so deeply in love with a person that it nearly destroyed me. and this has happened more than once.
..that sounds funny, but what a powerful emotion to be able to feel. and I am glad that i have, and that i am capable of caring for another so intensely.

I have also been lucky enough to love people so deeply that eventually it didnt matter if we were together or not, near or far, we would always be so close to eachother because of love. It sounds fucking cliche, but its real.

There are so many different forms love takes. and this connects to what i was saying last night... home is love, in so many ways... i dont even want to try to get into that again though.

I've been thinking about my feelings about Zach and Tony and Matt and Nygil and Kody and how they were all so different. Different types of pain, and joy...


blech. I sound like an idiot right now. thats fine; its 1am and I have a massive headache. i cant stop clenching my teeth. my back is killing me and my head is full of thoughts that i can't fully convey using the limitations of standardized written language (hah, yay for school connecting to just about every aspect of my life). i almost feel horrible for saying that about writing, because writing... well, i might as well just say it: I love writing, to the point that i depend on it for half of the things i do in my life. i would be devastated without it. maybe that is completely unhealthy (especially since many cultures don't have a written form of their language and get on fine without it), but i do "need" it to function, to get by. i want to have complete faith in it.

is it too much of a stretch to relate that to bella and edwards relationship? well too bad, cause i just kinda did. Unintentionally too.

take or leave what you will. i dont care at this point. i have found so much power in the connections of understanding between people. and misunderstandings too. but there is a point where i just can't worry about it anymore. and by "it" i mean "anything." so i keep splurging my thoughts...


this is where i get around to saying what i wanted to say in the first place, which is that i like being me. i like my mind, which always has something to ponder. i like my thoughts, i like my experience in this world. i like my way of looking at things.
and i like all of the things that have shaped me to become this person.
and sometimes it fucking sucks, and it hurts. and sometimes i wish my mind would shut up so i could be ignorant and not think so hard about everything. but then, i get to this point, where yea, i might still be thinking/wondering/questioning but i realize that i am not going to "figure anything out" or convince anyone of anything or whatever i was trying to do with my thoughts in the first place. and thats some sort of peace...

well anyway. i am getting better at being what i need to be for myself. i am trying to. i dont want to rely on people for happiness, because people arent reliable enough to always make me happy. but... they are reliable enough to sometimes make me happy. what about the rest of the time? and what does "happy" even mean?

ooooook, i am about to cut myself off here. i havent let myself tangent like this for a while, so it has been nice. but, my headache persists. and tomorrow is a long but exciting day.


wish this had been a conversation with someone rather than a blog post. i bet it will be, soon. actually, i know it will be; tomorrow i am seeing Ashley...

*sigh*
i haven't even touched the surface tonight. there is so much happening in my life. there is SO many complex things occuring within my and around me. its really something, trying to navigate through all this. and this random ass blog post is an example of the choas occurring. there's a microcosm of it in my mind (or is it a macrocosm?)

see, i could go on forever.

hokay.
fuck it.
im done.
goodnight.
^_^

always questioning means never being content,
but the mind quiets when it finds a place to call home.



that "place" is not a place as much as it is a circumstance. "home" isn't a building, its a feeling... of comfort and love. for me, usually i feel the most at home when I am with the right person/people (or just with myself), at the right place, at the right time. the last two --"place" and "time"-- actually become irrelevant once the comfort sets in, though I think they do often play a role in creating the setting of comfort in the first place.

i can't paint the picture without an example,
and i can't describe an example. it is too beautiful for any combination of words I could spew out on here.

but it is a feeling i wish to feel more often...
and i wish its effects were longer lasting.

...to express how I feel, I would write them.
But seriously, there is almost nothing I can say to explain how I feel.

I just witnessed one of the most amazing musical events ever at the Swell Season show, which featured The Frames too. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova and the rest of the band... blew my mind. I just... cant even explain it in any way except that I am in complete awe.

And before that...
I experienced a major blast from the past.

So... I am going to go sleep and feel whatever amazing emotions it is that I am feeling.

I enjoyed my birthday. Spent time with some good people.

There might be a lot to say, but I don't think I will take the time, just a few minutes of reflection.
I wrote some things in my head throughout the day, mainly tonight hanging out with the guys at K. Those things will not be written here.

I found myself to be fairly content with things that occurred all day. I found myself slowing down a bit in my mind.

I talked to people I haven't talked to in months, and enjoyed the change of conversation.

All I want right now is to lay down with some books and just read for a few hours. But I can feel my brain melting in my head; I need to sleep soon.

I made a wish on the candles. It came true, for the day. I had another wish, which I didn't perceive as a wish until this point when I came to putting it into organized thought. What I desired though, now that I think on it, maybe manifested itself in a different way than I would have thought it could. But all the same...
The connection was extended through a book, and not a conversation. And I think I am looking for a way to respond by looking at other books. And maybe that isn't really a response so much as it is a way to extend the ability to relate (to enhance the relationship).

See, even now I am having conversations with myself. That is what writing often is for me though... a conversation with myself such that I can understand something or someone else better. And maybe someone will read what I have to say and have that "conversation" and then find something within it to relate. That extends the relationship between writer and reader, and likely the reader and something or someone else.
This is why I should read more.
Extend the spiral.

I am leaving tomorrow for home in North Bend. I specify because home is so many things, and now, as I am thinking about it, it is rarely a "place" (or rather, a "space," as I will put it for my own understanding).

As for the age: I have grown. I have done much growing especially in this past month. It might sound strange, but I can feel myself grow. No... that's not strange. Its, in fact, a bit cliche.

Anyway, this date passes as a marker. Its a standard of time, and its passage gives context to the patterns of change. That can be measured however you want. I don't want to; not at this moment, and maybe not ever.

Ah, I got on this tangent because of the same fact that I have just arrived at. And that fact makes leaving this words and this conversation much more difficult. I desire a connection. Undefined at this moment, but with preferences in place.

Possibility is infinite (I think). But we (physically-- or metaphorically) build walls and shut doors and close our eyes. When I close my eyes to sleep at night, it does seem to halt the possibility of many things occurring. This may sound stupid, but I think that is why I like sleeping next to someone. When I am woken in the middle of the night, that is a change in what is essentially the "plan" and new possibilities open up (or it could be that they were always going to be opened because they are predetermined... but all the same, from my perspective it is something beyond what I expected). Like just now: I am resigning myself to the fact that there will be no more communication with another person tonight, and then my mom texts me. Physically I was startled because the possibility wasn't considered in my mind.

I clearly don't have a point... or, at least, the mind capacity to make it there tonight. Hah, I am ready to catch up on some much needed rest. I don't think I will read too long tonight (but I didn't think I would write this long either).

I have been alive, in this form, for 20 years. 20. 20. 20. That number seems so big in many contexts, and so small in others.
Ahh, it doesn't matter.
I could write in circles all night, forever.

I remember the day I turned 10. I don't remember what I did, I just remember the day. From my perspective, that is a very distant memory...
And in that regard, it is time to sleep. I've had a loooong decade.
:P

prepare yourself for any possibility?

thats the thing... you can't ever be fully prepared. you have to be flexible... yet strong. you have to be willing to learn something new and fight for what you know. but you will not be fully prepared. it is not the way of the universe. from chaos stems everything else... and so everything is chaos, and so are you. feel. let yourself feel.

go with it.
"fall a lot"
take deep breaths.

when your in the middle of a stormy sea, there may not be anything to hold, and it will be scary and you will feel like you are about to die...
but you are alive. this is what it is to be alive. wonderful terrible frightening.
but within all of that, somehow, there is comfort in the vastness of possibility.
there is humor in the absurdity of reality.
there is wonder within the unknown.
and there is truth.
and there is also love and connection.

uncertainty is damn scary.
truth might just be even scarier.
I am terrified. i am terrified of being strewn out helplessly.
but i am not helpless. i have to remember that. i have to remember. i have to be strong, and be weak and just let being whatever I am be enough.

and i am writing this for myself, so that no matter what happens, when I come back, I can remember that when the wind blows the hardest and almost lifts me up, i am home.
that when the sea crashes on me, i am alive.
when chaos ensues, i am a part of the universe

and maybe that is all i can know.




this is all incoherent nonsense to you, probably.
it is to me too, as a whole.
i dont know what i am trying to tell myself.
i dont think i have anything to tell myself
except that i had conviction to make myself grow from this, and i must not lose sight of that.
And so...
just like last night,
I am as ready as I ever will be...

feels wonderful.

When I began this blog site, under the title Each Day, it was with the idea that each day that I am alive is a blessing. It began when I found out that a girl Morgan, from my high school, had died of cancer. I felt that I was not appreciating my life, my health, or the opportunities I have each day. The goal was to remind myself daily that there is potential for something new, something wonderful, or even something terrible, and that I should cherish what I have while I have it.

Recently, I have asked why I was not one to die so young when I often don't even have much will to live. Why was her life taken from her without a choice when I often feel as though I would happily take her place, and allow her to live the beautiful life she dreamed? I have asked this, as I am sure others have asked before. I question it more in greater depth on the last post of my previous site, so I won't go through it again.

It doesn't really matter to me right now anyway. I am alive. I am healthy. I have opportunity. My world, each day, is flooded with potential. I knew that, but perhaps now I know it better.

I may be stumbling in the dark trying to find truth, and I could instead stumble upon lies... but maybe through those lies, I do find truth. Or maybe I just find a few moments of joy that energize and help carry me to the next thing I stumble across. Or maybe what I find is dangerous, and it hurts me, leaves me stranded for a while. I could be indefinitely paralyzed. But... I am still in the darkness. Even if I'm not moving all that much right now, other pieces are moving... and someday, they could find me.


"...the darkness around us is deep." But it is darkness, blackness, the absence of color (the absence of the absolute?). Perhaps to fill that void is a saturation of possibility.

"This is how it works:
you're young until you're not;
you love until you don't;
you try until you can't;
you laugh until you cry;
you cry until you laugh,
and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.

No, this is how it works:
you peer inside yourself;
you take the things you like and try to love the things you took.
And then you take that love you made and stick it into some... someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood.
And walking arm in arm you hope it don't get harmed, but even if it does you'll just do it all again..."
-Regina Spektor

This is an article Alicia gave me about three weeks ago. It has... been the foundation of many things over this period of time (including indirectly being the inspiration for my integration paper for Andean Roots in which I discuss the possibilities of connectivity between personal life and academics). The article is by Adrienne Rich. What I posted are the parts I find most true and... relevant.

"To discover that one has been lied to in a personal relationship makes one feel a little crazy.
Lying is done with words, and also with silence.

The woman who tells lies in her personal relationships may or may not plan or invent her lying. She may not even think of what she is doing in a calculated way. She may also tell herself a lie: that she is concerned with the other's feelings, not her own. But the liar is concerned with her own feelings.

The liar lives in fear of losing control. She cannot even desire a relationship without manipulation, since to be vulnerable to another person means for her the loss of control. The liar has many friends, and leads an existence of great loneliness.

The liar often suffers from amnesia. Amnesia is the silence of the unconscious. To lie habitually, as a way of life, is to lose contact with the unconscious. It is like taking sleeping pills, which confer sleep but blot out dreaming. The unconscious wants truth. It ceases to speak to those who want something else.

In speaking of lies, we come inevitably to the subject of truth. There is nothing simple or easy about this idea. There is no “the truth,” “a truth”--truth is not one thing, or even a system. It is an increasing complexity. That is why the effort to speak honestly is so important. Lies are usually attempts to make everything simpler--for the liar--than it really is, or ought to be.

In lying to others we end lying to ourselves. We deny the importance of an event, or a person, and thus deprive ourselves of a part of our lives. Or we lose one piece of the past or present to screen out another. Thus we lose faith even with our own lives.

The possibilities that exist between two people, or among a group of people, are a kind of alchemy. They are the most interesting things in life. The liar is someone who keeps losing sight of these possibilities.

When relationships are determined by manipulation, by the need for control, they may possess a dreary, bickering kind of drama, but they cease to be interesting. They are repetitious; the shock of human possibilities has ceased to reverberate through them.

When someone tells me a piece of truth which has been withheld from me, and which I needed in order to see my life more clearly, it may bring acute pain, but it can also flood me with a cold, sea-sharp wash of relief. Often such truths come by accident, or from strangers.

It isn’t that to have an honorable relationship with you, I have to understand everything, or tell you everything at once, or that I can know, beforehand, everything I need to tell you. It means that most of the time I am eager, longing for the possibility of telling you. That these possibilities may seem frightening, but not destructive, to me. That I feel strong enough to hear your tentative and groping words. That we both know we are trying, at the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us. The possibilities of life between us."

maybe i should have just fucking said no.

uncertainty is misery.

i never...
so
why do i...?

that's all the advice people seem to give me.

yes. pretend and be everything I hate.



i mean, what the fuck kind of advice is "just wear a smile and eventually you will believe it is real"
?

3 years.
1 year.
2 months.
20 weeks.
4 weeks.
1 week.

time.
space.
place.

timing.
distance.
proximity.


anyway, it doesn't matter. this is all a fucking game. a game show if you will. or a fucking sit-com. so laugh it up. its all fucking hilarious. its all pure irony so you can have your fun.

I'm so sick of thinking, and analyzing, and hurting, and trying.
I'm so sick of people.
I'm so sick of pretending.

FUCK.
I'm so angry.

And yet, I am trying to soften. I am trying to channel my anger where it belongs. I am trying to become stronger from all of this.
I am so weak.
(My hands heal so fast, that I can't build up calluses for climbing.)


Alicia. I was reading my old blog last night, and it was junior year so I pretty deeply depressed. Anyway, I wrote something along the lines of "I don't know how I am going to survive college without Caitlin or Alicia." That statement is so true right now. Without you, I'd be gone.

I'm learning to pretend, like you.


honesty can't seem to fight
(dependency)
(abuse).
Love doesn't seem to be enough
(except to show the difference between)
meaningful and meaningless relationships;
(misunderstandings in)
conversations face to face
(sometimes) can't compare to
(congruent)
thoughts across time and space.


"All we know is distance;
We’re close and then we run."



fuck. there's too much.
I'm gonna go sleep, a lot.

timing.

today all there is, is love.

in honor of all the hurting people;
in lieu of all the pain.

loyalty
(lies)
truth
(loss)
time
friends
reality
realization
acceptance
patience
(anger)
love
hope
change
difference
distance
pace
consistency
(weakness)
endurance
focus
(buildup)
release
(tears)
hugs
(aggression)
apology
listening
opening
(locked up, closed off, shut away)
help
(hurt)
understanding
persistence
right (and wrong)
honesty
trust
-power-
say, show, do
-push-
wait
adjust or allow
feel, flow or fight
connection
reflection
(rejection)
contradiction or solidification?

it all exists in one world,
in the repercussions of one act...
and it is all a question of what to do next.
or, more accurately: "what now?"
(because later may not matter, and a choice to do may not be real)

it may well be impossible to hold it all,
but what do you let go? and when? and how? and why?

maybe nothing, maybe never, maybe no way, maybe no reason.
maybe no answer.
maybe no solace.
maybe circles, cycles, infinite loops of q and a.
maybe lines, straight, unending path with no destination.
maybe random.
maybe destined.

maybe nothing.
maybe everything.

cryptic, i know;
i am trying to understand it all too.

for now, briefly, I just want to turn my mind off.
I need to sleep.
I don't want dreams.

I'd really just enjoy some utter calm,
some comfort without consequence,
some peace within.

I ran probably the best run of my life today.


I should definitely do work tonight...haven't done it in a while. People want me to go to a movie, and I want to be with people, but don't want to see that movie.

Maybe I will just watch something by myself... like episodes of The Office, or Into the Wild.

Sleep is a possibility too, since I haven't really been doing that either.

ok. one more dream scream and the rewind sequence is finished.

can this be over now?




I guess it doesn’t really matter
And every dream's a nightmare
And nothing really matters...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!

NO MORE! NO MORE FUCKING PLOT TWISTS! FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK

I think I'm gonna watch Once or Rent or The Notebook and cry instead.
I can't stop eating.
I can though.
I just don't care enough to right now.

2 and 1/2 hours of climbing today.

everything

something that needs to be fixed.

Everyone wants to medicate me.
Fuck medication. Fuck your fucking soma.
Fuck.

My grandpa just compared me to Kurt Cobain.

I get it though. People care. They are trying to help.
I just won't do that. Ever.

my first session today was with a guy doing research on artesian wells.

too much.

Today, like most days, began as every other day. (I smile after re-reading that statement because I realize the ridiculously redundant sound of such a statement. AH! and I smile again because of the ridiculous amount of alliteration in that statement.) But some days don't begin as every other day. Some days there is an unseen energy that suggests possibility and change. As I rolled out of bed today, feeling disgusting and shitty from excessive crying not showering not sleeping much and being a ridiculously hopeless human being, I certainly did not feel such an energy. I rolled out of bed and put on the same clothes as I did yesterday and the day before. I shoved a folder, 4 notebooks, 4 copies of one essay and 2 copies of another, and a random book I might read into my stupid blue bag. If it was raining, all of that would be soaked. I slipped on sandals, slung my shit over my shoulder and headed out into the uncertainty of my day, which was certainly going to be fairly miserable.

I don't know how much of that is true. When I sat down to write this blog I had a purpose. I was inspired. Today did hold something new.
I should have known. Each day, even if it is just another day, holds possibility. I do know that. But what I also knew was that last night was yet another convergence of chaos upon me, and that I finally had hit the very bottom of existence. I say "bottom" tentatively, because arguably it is somewhere near the top when you have so much truth and rawness coursing through you that your mind can't handle it all. It is beyond brilliance... it is insanity. Not to say I am brilliant, or insane (and not to say that I'm not--insane), but it was beyond anything I've witnessed in myself before.

Last night, and even ten minutes ago, there would be no meaning or purpose in reflecting on these events and emotions. Maybe there still is none. And yet, here I am...

-----------------
Some force compelled me to get up and leave from the Writing Center in the middle of writing what you see above. I had a direction with the ideas I think, but I lost it. In the refuge of the center, life is simpler in a lot of ways, but sometimes more complex, just easier to grasp.

I left cause it was the end of my shift, and I was determined to get another hour of climbing in today. So I sacrificed the thought... a thought that had me looking up. But then again, climbing has been a good motivator these past couple of days too, and I think I abandoned my thought process because in climbing, I can see and feel tangible progress. A thought is possibly only momentary relief from the agony.

No, I don't think that is right. I think I went to climb to put the thought into action. Now I will attempt to continue expounding on the thought.
-------------------

...And yet, here I am.

I was walking across the field in the rain, in my sandals, my bag slowly getting wet. Someone passes me on my left, running. It was Donna from class. I yelled after her and she whipped around circling back to join me. Ten minutes, dude, whats the rush? Oh really? Cool. She asked how I was, and I replied honestly. We persisted in a conversation I've had more times than I can count these past couple of weeks. But she said something to the effect of "if you've been down and then climb up and fall down again, you know you have more than it takes to climb back up." I laughed at the climbing metaphor, mainly because she didn't even realize how pertinent it was. Even then, it was hard to take seriously. I really didn't want to hear it.

In class I got my first integration paper back from Steve. Positive feedback, not just about the paper, but about my work overall. That's good on a certain level, but not on the level I really need good to be. At least it means I won't drop out of school after this quarter.
We had peer review on our second integration papers. I felt reluctant to read mind cause it was really personal and had a lot to do with everything that has been going on outside of class. I think it may have been shocking to some people, but it was there, and it was real, and all I can do is share my true self. Take it or leave it. (Easier said than done).

We ended peer review early. 2 hours to eat? Hell no. Donna, wanna go climbing? FUCK YES. And off we went. She climbed briefly and left. I was there for as long as I could afford before I had to go eat. I got to play my music. SSPU naturally. I mastered at least one full route in that time period with help from one of the guys who works there. I fell viciously so many times. I kept getting higher. He said "if you're not falling off a route, your not pushing yourself enough." So I kept trying. Eventually I got to the top. V.1.
I made progress on Hannah's route and I will show her on Wednesday. Spent a good full hour in there. Went to eat.
I was in good spirits, comparatively. Lunch was relaxing. Seminar was enjoyable. Even the Writing Center meeting was fairly painless (not to say they are ever too painful.. just after a long day it can be annoying). Had one session. Self-study. BLECH. Other one cancelled. Did some homework waiting for walk-ins.

Some of the work I did including peer reviewing Lily's written response from last week's CV2 meeting. Great paper she wrote. Highly entertaining. She wrote at one point "The Writing Center gods gave me a perfect gift of an appointment..." She's fuckin right. There is some crazy force within the center which just gives you what you need, when you need it. Hard day? Canceled appointments. Need inspiration? Inspired writer with beautiful ideas brings a paper to you. Need some reassurance about life?

I finished reading and responding to her paper. Read next week's articles, realized my second appointment wasn't coming in, and I picked up a copy of Inkwell, "the photo album" to start skipping through. First article. Meh. I came across a gem. A gift from the heavens (more specifically student author Chalen Kelly). "Writing from the Well."

"I fell into the well. I thought I would drown there. [...] Understanding seemed impossible. It was a loss of innocence. [...] Despite the fracture I climbed back up to my ledge. [...] I began to see how to best represent myself; I stopped thinking it was unnecessary. [...] I continue falling into the well, but with each successive fall I increase my familiarity with the strength it takes to return. When I fall, I often wish to go numb, to remain in the well. But each time a terrible hope entices me. It compels me to crawl up the wall, remain alive, and stay vulnerable. I cannot stop; I am too deeply in love with possibility."

That last part made me think of you, Alicia, of course. The well is a metaphor about writing, and works that way, but also relates to my life on another level. I love what it has to say about writing. I find it sacred and true. But what it says to me about life, and the timing of it...


After reading that, I needed to write, but more importantly, I needed to climb.
When that clock hit 8 I bolted.
I had a feeling though. I texted Tyler to make sure they weren't at the gym. No response. I took my time. Still nothing. I got my shoes. They weren't the right shoes... the ones I had been given every time all year. I looked at the shoes and just had the feeling that maybe I just shouldn't go up to the gym. I wouldn't be able to focus, or even function, if they were up there.
I stood briefly at the bottom of the stairs listening. Heard the voices I almost knew I'd here. Maybe he won't notice me. Stupid idea. Stupid concern, really. But I just knew it would affect me negatively. I walked up as they walked down. Brief exchange as we passed.

Climbing sucked. Not severely, but I was just too angry to be productive. Yea yea, I should channel my anger, but it was too much. I just wanted to go back to before any of this.
Briefly I had the whole gym to myself. I played my music and worked on relaxing to some easy courses. I did half of Hannah's course and slipped. I went back to the start and couldn't get up to save my life. So I just went and laid in the cave for a while. Some guys came in. One of them stayed longer and we talked some... It was almost 9 and there was no more improvement to be made, so I left.



Today ends like most days. Me alone in my room trying to find the reason for all of this. Telling myself how pathetic I am emotionally, while becoming more and more invincible physically. Debating actions, scenarios. Mulling over dreams and past events. Trying to find something to look toward for tomorrow. Searching for the next route I can manage to the top, and knowing that once I get up there, I'm just gonna have to come back down.

Hey Grandpa. Things are alright... well not really. Hah, I don't even know how to answer that question. Every time I feel like I've hit rock bottom I just end up sinking further. I was finally happy over the summer, after years and years of depression, but when I got back to school it started wearing down. And then I was just living day to day, dealing with whatever came along. Eventually, I got up really high, felt great, and then suddenly started spiraling down. It came to a point where I wasn't doing my work, caring about anything. I think last night was the worst and I somehow came to accept that things are so severely messed up that all I can do is live day to day and deal with things as they come. So I'm back where I started. Not happy, but not debilitated out of despair. And still... I feel useless, I feel like life is meaningless, and I don't feel that I have anything to work toward or look forward to, like its all in vein.

I envy Becca's faith because it stabilizes her life. But then again, I don't even know if I want that sort of stability; even if I thought I could quell all the thoughts and questions and confusions by adopting some religion, that would give me no more meaning or direction than I already have. In fact, it would do the opposite.
I don't want to have all the answers. Seeking to solve problems and answer questions is what drives me through each day. And so I conclude that in my constant questioning, I will also harbor much pain and loneliness, since I will never be satisfied.
I don't know what to do, or if there is anything I can do except learn how to deal with the pain, and accept that this is who I am.

Thanks for writing to me.
Alex

stumbling in this darkness with me are the best people.
i only wish that once we found eachother, we wouldnt deny ourselves the company.

nevermind.
i dont think i will.
i cant look at the word.

but goddamnit. i cant stop sobbing. i cant stop feeling like hell. i dont care about how i look. i eat everything in sight. i havent showered for days. i cant focus on work. i hate sleeping. its fucking terrifying for me to sleep. but i need to sleep, more than anything.
im shaking.
im alone.
im slaving over these stupid assignments because i want to impress my teachers so i can go to peru, but i dont even fucking know if i want to go to peru. as if that would make me feel better. no. its just gonna fucking shatter the rest of my mind.

i feel like i can see this ideal life. and i know its possible, but i am too fucking scared to do it alone. and everyone else is too scared. and we're all just scared and stuck and fucked up. and were all alone in our rooms fucking miserable because we dont fucking know how to get to that place where it actually be better. we cant fucking do it.

its like trying to pull yourself up to the next hold, and you just cant do it. you just cant fucking grab it. its right there for you to grab but you just arent strong enough. and you reach and you trust but you fail and you fall, all the way down. it doesnt matter how much energy you exerted to get that high... all of it means nothing.

fuck

Things that are on my mind only to distract me from what's really on my mind:



-Killoqua Reunion. (bahahahahahaha. fuck.)

-"Climate Change, Human Rights and Indigenous Peoples" (waste of time article that made me feel like even more shit about the world.)

-Pain in my core, arms, back, shoulders, legs, hands, knees (as if to try to overpower other pain)

-Knowing that as much effort as I put into that paper, it could be a lot better.


-writing blogs about pointless shit.
fuck this

I remember my dreams better when someone is sleeping next to me. And they are always seem to be more harsh, more painful, more drastic, more violent.

My dream last night... more than scaring me, it just made me angry and I couldnt tell you why. It was a zombie dream. The thing I can remember now is that I was in the middle of nowhere when I found out about the zombie invasion...I think somewhere near F Lot, so it wasnt in the middle of nowhere, but it certainly wasnt some place safe. Someone ran up to me and told me what was going on. The person, I think it was a guy, advised that I run away from him. I looked at him and started backing away. I turned and walked fast, but not too fast. I didn't run. I didn't look back. I just walked, and imagined that I was about to die... or, not even die, just be changed into that horrible thing that I fear. I walked straight through housing. I think I remember seeing people walking around casually, so I tried to do the same. I tried not to panic. I got to my building and bolted up the steps, ripping my keys out of my bag, trying to have them ready by the time I got to my apartment door. I unlocked the door and stepping but suddenly heard someone below me coming up the steps. I peaked out, and the person called my name frantically. It was Trevor. I don't remember exactly where he was, but it was probably on the landing below because I remember feeling greatful that there was some distance between us as he begged for refuge. There was sadness in his expression, but he had a certain look in his eye that I didn't trust. I asked if he had been bitten. He didn't answer right away. He looked at his feet and said he didn't think so. He looked up at me pleedingly, and all I said was "Sorry Trev." I held eye contact as I let the heavy door fall shut between us.

In my apartment, no one else was around. I don't remember this part too well. I remember panicking; thinking I was going to starve and knowing that regardless of food supplies, I was fairly doomed. I don't remember who joined me in the apartment or how, but there came a point where I wasn't alone a few hours later. I imagine it was either Em or Ariel or Sarah. I'm pretty sure it was Ariel. Somehow she had been infected, but through other means than being bitten, so we had some time before she would change. She was noble about it, knowing she'd have to leave. We tried to keep it normal and calm when the time came. She walked out the door and said "see you later." I don't know where she went, or what she had planned, if anything... I didn't even know how much time she had. She had only made the decision to leave when she did because I had instinctively jumped back at one of her movements. It was her eyes... just a look. I knew the virus was supposed to make you more aggressive the longer it had

Somehow I was with my sister. She had made it to the apartment to tell me that the rest of the family was safe. We knew we had to leave, find some place safer to go. Somehow one of the windows in the living room had been broken. We were cold, and we werent safe. We had hid out in my room with the door locked for a while but shortly realized we had to move on.

Throughout the dream, I kept waking up. My arms hurt from climbing and sleeping on my side. Ben took up lots of space on the bed, but he kept me warm, and at least I didn't keep waking up to find myself alone.

I don't remember all the details of the rest of the dream. They always get fuzzy when I return to them after waking. I do remember I was in a group of people, and it could have been my family, but it could have been some random people my sister and I had picked up along the way, wherever we were, and wherever we were going. We always seemed to have a place of refuge though. And it always had the same door (my apartment door). Every once in a while, someone got infected and had to leave. They would always leave the group by walking out that door.

Finally, it was my turn. I don't know how I got infected. I didn't get bitten. In fact, I don't remember anyone being bitten. There was something about fluids being transmittive. A change in attitude, the slightest aggression, and the person was likely infected. My outlash was because someone had accused Becca of being infected. I refused to believe that and yelled at everyone, telling them that she wasnt infected and there was no way she was going to leave. Everyone stared. Everyone knew. It was me, not her.

I was a coward. A complete coward and I wouldnt leave. The rule was that it was the choice of the person infected when they would leave, and I kept putting it off. I remember scenarios playing in my mind of walking out that door and just being attacked. I remember having images flash in my brain of what it would be like to be the one attacking. I was in complete denial that it was actually happening to me. Everyone else had taken it in stride. I planned to leave eventually, but the only reason was for the hope that it would possibly extend Becca's life.

The time was approaching but I never ended up having to make the choice. Something happened, and the virus was weakening and wearing off. Hopefully, if I was infected recently enough, I would have caught the weakened strain. I remember my mom reassuring me, but that is the only time I remember her being in the dream. I remember feeling like a coward, because everyone else had left at their time, and I refused to, yet I was the one who was lucky enough to be saved.

I don't even want to talk about it anymore. It makes me so fucking angry to think about. I can't explain it.

The most fucked up part of the whole dream was that I never once remember seeing a zombie, or anyone get bitten, or anything more than the slightest hint that someone was changing to something dangerous. But anything we had pinpointed as an effect of the virus was likely just paranoia. Maybe there was no virus. But then, what happened to all the people who walked out that door?

I don't fucking get what that dream was about, but it really bothered me. And its bothering me a lot to think about it now and not have it mean anything outside of the context. So I'm gonna go write my paper and try to forget anything that has to do with dreams, or reality.

fuck you.

i don't think i can keep pushing.
i dont think i can hold all this up.

im trying.
you cant say im not trying.

my hands feel amazing right now. rough and raw.
I was in the climbing gym for about 3 hours today with Hannah. We have a pretty sweet little setup going together here. She was the girl I tutored on Tuesday this week at the Writing Center, and now she is tutoring/coaching me with my climbing. This came about because we met again at Ben's party last night and I overheard her talking about her job at the gym. It was then that I remembered seeing her in there, working on her first route. After talking about it we decided to meet up today. We worked really hard just on technique and style, experimenting and readjusting how we look at the wall we are approaching. Climbing is a lot like writing (as is running.)
My arms are already feeling it which shows me that I really did make improvements today. Painful as it is, I love this feeling in my hands. I think I am going to try to go tomorrow just to build on what I did with my hands today. Hannah works Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays which happen to be the days that I can usually actually climb. I like running on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Sundays, so that works out really well. Tomorrow I think I will climb and run depending on how much work I get done today.

I am in the middle of writing my integration paper, and in the middle of my seminar reading, so if I can finish those two things today then tomorrow I just need to write my sem paper and start next week's sem reading, and work on some spanish work.
*Sigh* neverending work. I also need to start my application for Peru, and get going on my research project before it gets too late on those things which will start building up in a couple weeks. At least I have Thanksgiving Break before either of those two projects need to be done.

I know its a bit harsh to push myself so hard when I am already emotionally strained. But maybe it is the best time to grow. Use my anger, my sadness for some good. Channel it outward and into something else. I can't be debilitated anymore or I'll just fall of the face of the planet out of uselessness.

Ben Steiner shared something with me last night that put some things in perspective.
And Ben Joselyn is coming to visit me today, which just goes to show... well, it shows a lot of things, especially due to the exceptional similarity between this situation with Zach and the whole thing with Ben that happened years back.
Well anyway, I really need to get this paper finished before he arrives.

there is so much loss.
I feel my pieces of my heart being torn off one by one.
hearing stories I never knew
seeing faces I'd forgotten.
Oh god, there is too much emotion in this world
and I'm bursting.
There's no where for me to pour it out, and I want to scream, and cry
but I'm all out of tears.
I look around and see desperation everywhere
and there is nothing I can do.
I am desperate too.

Maybe this is our state,
strain, and painful love
of something out in front that we can't reach.
And some of us will follow, and some will look away.
And it will be meaningless either way.
Or meaningful, if you are one who can fill your heart with meaning just by choosing one direction or another,
or if you are one who can bury the pain.
But me...

I look at the happiest points of my life, and still feel them filled with desperation. Not in a bad way, but it is just a realistic admittance that happy does not mean fulfilled.

My mind is turning in cycles and I can feel my brain telling me to give up on this pursuit of truth.
Go to bed,
wake up tomorrow,
do your work,
run,
eat,
got to bed,
wake up,
do work,
eat,
sleep.
Cycles. I am stuck in them, physical, mental, conscious or sub.

That's why when you are spinning, you look at the light, you fall. And you like it. Because it is something shocking. A point of reference that throws the cycles off, if only briefly.
And then you hit the ground.
It's a loss. A loss of balance. A loss of control. A loss of bearing, of judgment, of thought.
And suddenly, temporarily, you are free.

It's bad enough that I had to relive hope and letdown twice in "real life" but the fact that I am not even safe from getting my hopes up while asleep makes this whole situation even worse. Sleep should be a refuge from my scheming mind, full of grandiose, unrealistic ideas (heightened -and sometimes defeated- by the music i listen to). But my mind should not betray me in sleep, because it knows that eventually I do have to wake up. And having to wake up, I should not be constantly forced to rediscover the unfortunate "reality" that I have to live with in my more prevalent form of consciousness. Already I have to guard against the thoughts that keep me hopeful, in addition to the problem that all of these things changed so quickly that sometimes I feel myself smiling at a "reality" that is no longer relevant.

I should begin treating anything that happens, in any mode of consciousness ("awake", "asleep" ect.) as though it is a dream. Why not, if all things will eventually end? And they must.

The rain is really coming down. It threatens to maroon me on this island. I am already isolated from that which made me feel less alone, so what's the difference? Is this not what I wanted; to be a drifter? Perhaps the prospect of a fellow to drift with really did make me romanticize the lifestyle, and the moments, and the person. I don't believe that though. Realistically I didn't romanticize anything. I took what I knew, and what I felt, and I put faith in it. Is that so wrong?


I was going through and deleting text messages today. I only have a few saved "sent messages" and they are from a long time ago. I came across one I sent to Matt: "Just remember, loving someone can't really hurt them."
I am stuck wondering whether or not this is true.

fuck, for being titled Strict Joy, this Cd is immensely depressing (more so because its so real right now). I get it though. The poem at the beginning of the lyric pamphlet helped me understand a bit better.

I think I'm finally gonna go lay in the rain.

it is beautiful.

We trade tit for tat like that for this
And I don't think that there was an insult that was missed
I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and
I'm very sorry.

I fucking love this CD. Today is my first time listening to it all the way through.
(I tried listening to it on Monday, but was interrupted by the moment that would actually make the lyrics so pertinent to my life now.)

It's the only music I played during my run today.
Its mellow, but emotional. And the pain, angst, or just pure passion in Glen Hansard's voice at some points really struck me, and the duets are always just beautiful and powerful between he and Marketa. So I guess it was motivating to a certain extent, but it definitely kept my mind circling the same general loop of thought the whole time. Though... I was running in circles, and my mind would have likely been going those directions anyway. I weaved in my route from last year, at the end, cause I had done my longest route and still wanted to keep going. Added about two miles on the end.

I figured my mileage online when I got back.


"if everything is measured by the hole it leaves behind
then this mountain has been leveled..."
--just one of the many gems within their lyrics.

7 miles in 1 hour and 15 minutes.

between faithful and delusional?

"it's important that awake people be awake"
and there's no reason for me to pretend that it was fake
except that it was
for you

but not for me.
"the mind is a powerful thing."
the line is a weak one.
it
breaks
between what is real and unreal,

and so it was real.

its fading like a dream.
it was a dream.
but one I won't write down...
one so disturbing I just want to forget
and deny that my mind could concoct such a thing.

i don't know why I should be...

In 40 minutes I start 4 hours of work.
Just finished 4 hours of class.
Peer review was laid back, but I started to feel sick toward the end. Really sick. Nauseous and dizzy and feverish. We got done early so I took a nap on the couch. That felt good, and I felt even better after the potluck, which was full of healthy, delicious foods.
Lots of ideas in seminar, but at least it was just small groups, and we went out on Red Square. The fresh air helped keep back the nausea.
The information is overwhelming.
The truth is overwhelming.
Trying to comprehend so many different world views at once, and trying to see how my own fits in (or doesn't fit at all).

I'm exhausted.
and yet, I can't complain.
There are so many reasons I just can't complain...

Paper= finished.
Not my best... but I don't really feel like I need to give my best all the time anymore. Maybe that sounds like a cop-out, but really it is just one of the many ways I am changing right now. I feel like liberating myself of some of my old vices, and within this transition, I am simultaneously readopting some of my other vices --overeating for example. However, I think it balance out eventually. Its just one of those reactionary things...

It's 1:30 am. I need to get off to bed about 30 minutes ago to get a full night of sleep, but I also realize that I haven't don't any personal writing all weekend, and doubt I will get any semblance of sleep unless I purge myself of a few thoughts first. No thoughts in particular...

I just know that this weekend I found some truth, and some peace (along with some trouble, but there we are again with the balance). I danced, and actually felt like a dancer. I lived and actually felt alive. For the first time in so long, I just did what I wanted to do, and stopped worrying about anything else. It felt damn good too.
It helped that I hardly knew anyone at the party, but even still, I was just compelled to let my body and mind react to my surroundings how they would. At first, this scared me... I thought it meant I would end up getting wasted, or doing something weird like that (I had one sip of Ariel's drink which was enough for my body --or more accurately, my taste buds-- to tell me that was definitely not what I wanted). I laughed a lot. I talked to strangers. I danced for hours straight. I felt alive, and a part of something, and not outcast. Sure, I felt different from most the people there, but in a good way, which is a change for how I normally react mentally to environments like that.

I feel like what I am saying won't make sense to anyone else. I'm completely okay with that.

A lot of things that happened this weekend (mostly separate from the party), and last week, have just altered my perspective. Interactions with people is the main thing.




It's late. And tomorrow is a long day.
And... exciting. Yea, surprisingly that is the word I would use to describe it.
I am excited to discuss this book (Hungry Planet), and do peer review in integration papers.
We have a class potluck between the two, which should be exciting. (While I was writing my paper Ariel asked Em to make cookies for me to bring for my class, so thanks to both of them).
I also look forward to having a few tutoring sessions in the evening.
And there might be some other good things going on that I'm anticipating. ^_^


Couple Shoutouts:
Ariel for going on one heck of an adventure with me this weekend.
Carolyn, Mom, Rob, John, and public transit for making transport possible.
Ben J for the party; John/Matt for the place to crash. (James, we used your bed.)
Rob and Ben S and Ariel for sharing their fries with me. (Randy's!)
Emily, Carolyn, and Ariel for dancing the night away with me.
Ariel for having a point and shoot camera for capturing stupid pictures and video recording my attempts at stripteases/at being world class stage performing singer in our dorm/at dancing to dub-step with strobe lights.
Ben (other one) for not only dressing up as the Phantom, but for also staying in character and being able to appear out of thin air (and disappear suddenly) during our impromptu journey to Safeway.
Sean (Ben S's friend) for dressing up as Max from Where the Wild Things Are.
Kiera and Kyle for the fire dancing.
Mom and Dad for talking to me, and loving me no matter how crazy I am.
Caitlin for being my best friend, no matter how disconnected we are.
Tyler and Eric and Zach for placing 5th (or 8th) at their tournament.
Nygil and James for being two of my favorite people ever.
James for his Rocky Horror outfit.
Mom for making the best dinosaur costume ever.
Em for cookies.
Ariel for that fucking disgusting sign on the door reminding me to get my cookies in the morning.
Tyler for looking exactly like Mario (and for stopping by to see me tonight).
Ariel for a delicious dinner of rice and pasta (and in advance for forcing me to eat healthy this week, even if it means tying me down).

Alright, now I am just procrastinating.
GRAR!

Oh, I just remembered all the laundry we did today. Clean sheets any clothes! Even though it took so fucking long. aahhh, laundry parties.
I also swept my floor and shook my rugs out, out the window.
So I have a clean room! Yay!!