Today, like most days, began as every other day. (I smile after re-reading that statement because I realize the ridiculously redundant sound of such a statement. AH! and I smile again because of the ridiculous amount of alliteration in that statement.) But some days don't begin as every other day. Some days there is an unseen energy that suggests possibility and change. As I rolled out of bed today, feeling disgusting and shitty from excessive crying not showering not sleeping much and being a ridiculously hopeless human being, I certainly did not feel such an energy. I rolled out of bed and put on the same clothes as I did yesterday and the day before. I shoved a folder, 4 notebooks, 4 copies of one essay and 2 copies of another, and a random book I might read into my stupid blue bag. If it was raining, all of that would be soaked. I slipped on sandals, slung my shit over my shoulder and headed out into the uncertainty of my day, which was certainly going to be fairly miserable.

I don't know how much of that is true. When I sat down to write this blog I had a purpose. I was inspired. Today did hold something new.
I should have known. Each day, even if it is just another day, holds possibility. I do know that. But what I also knew was that last night was yet another convergence of chaos upon me, and that I finally had hit the very bottom of existence. I say "bottom" tentatively, because arguably it is somewhere near the top when you have so much truth and rawness coursing through you that your mind can't handle it all. It is beyond brilliance... it is insanity. Not to say I am brilliant, or insane (and not to say that I'm not--insane), but it was beyond anything I've witnessed in myself before.

Last night, and even ten minutes ago, there would be no meaning or purpose in reflecting on these events and emotions. Maybe there still is none. And yet, here I am...

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Some force compelled me to get up and leave from the Writing Center in the middle of writing what you see above. I had a direction with the ideas I think, but I lost it. In the refuge of the center, life is simpler in a lot of ways, but sometimes more complex, just easier to grasp.

I left cause it was the end of my shift, and I was determined to get another hour of climbing in today. So I sacrificed the thought... a thought that had me looking up. But then again, climbing has been a good motivator these past couple of days too, and I think I abandoned my thought process because in climbing, I can see and feel tangible progress. A thought is possibly only momentary relief from the agony.

No, I don't think that is right. I think I went to climb to put the thought into action. Now I will attempt to continue expounding on the thought.
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...And yet, here I am.

I was walking across the field in the rain, in my sandals, my bag slowly getting wet. Someone passes me on my left, running. It was Donna from class. I yelled after her and she whipped around circling back to join me. Ten minutes, dude, whats the rush? Oh really? Cool. She asked how I was, and I replied honestly. We persisted in a conversation I've had more times than I can count these past couple of weeks. But she said something to the effect of "if you've been down and then climb up and fall down again, you know you have more than it takes to climb back up." I laughed at the climbing metaphor, mainly because she didn't even realize how pertinent it was. Even then, it was hard to take seriously. I really didn't want to hear it.

In class I got my first integration paper back from Steve. Positive feedback, not just about the paper, but about my work overall. That's good on a certain level, but not on the level I really need good to be. At least it means I won't drop out of school after this quarter.
We had peer review on our second integration papers. I felt reluctant to read mind cause it was really personal and had a lot to do with everything that has been going on outside of class. I think it may have been shocking to some people, but it was there, and it was real, and all I can do is share my true self. Take it or leave it. (Easier said than done).

We ended peer review early. 2 hours to eat? Hell no. Donna, wanna go climbing? FUCK YES. And off we went. She climbed briefly and left. I was there for as long as I could afford before I had to go eat. I got to play my music. SSPU naturally. I mastered at least one full route in that time period with help from one of the guys who works there. I fell viciously so many times. I kept getting higher. He said "if you're not falling off a route, your not pushing yourself enough." So I kept trying. Eventually I got to the top. V.1.
I made progress on Hannah's route and I will show her on Wednesday. Spent a good full hour in there. Went to eat.
I was in good spirits, comparatively. Lunch was relaxing. Seminar was enjoyable. Even the Writing Center meeting was fairly painless (not to say they are ever too painful.. just after a long day it can be annoying). Had one session. Self-study. BLECH. Other one cancelled. Did some homework waiting for walk-ins.

Some of the work I did including peer reviewing Lily's written response from last week's CV2 meeting. Great paper she wrote. Highly entertaining. She wrote at one point "The Writing Center gods gave me a perfect gift of an appointment..." She's fuckin right. There is some crazy force within the center which just gives you what you need, when you need it. Hard day? Canceled appointments. Need inspiration? Inspired writer with beautiful ideas brings a paper to you. Need some reassurance about life?

I finished reading and responding to her paper. Read next week's articles, realized my second appointment wasn't coming in, and I picked up a copy of Inkwell, "the photo album" to start skipping through. First article. Meh. I came across a gem. A gift from the heavens (more specifically student author Chalen Kelly). "Writing from the Well."

"I fell into the well. I thought I would drown there. [...] Understanding seemed impossible. It was a loss of innocence. [...] Despite the fracture I climbed back up to my ledge. [...] I began to see how to best represent myself; I stopped thinking it was unnecessary. [...] I continue falling into the well, but with each successive fall I increase my familiarity with the strength it takes to return. When I fall, I often wish to go numb, to remain in the well. But each time a terrible hope entices me. It compels me to crawl up the wall, remain alive, and stay vulnerable. I cannot stop; I am too deeply in love with possibility."

That last part made me think of you, Alicia, of course. The well is a metaphor about writing, and works that way, but also relates to my life on another level. I love what it has to say about writing. I find it sacred and true. But what it says to me about life, and the timing of it...


After reading that, I needed to write, but more importantly, I needed to climb.
When that clock hit 8 I bolted.
I had a feeling though. I texted Tyler to make sure they weren't at the gym. No response. I took my time. Still nothing. I got my shoes. They weren't the right shoes... the ones I had been given every time all year. I looked at the shoes and just had the feeling that maybe I just shouldn't go up to the gym. I wouldn't be able to focus, or even function, if they were up there.
I stood briefly at the bottom of the stairs listening. Heard the voices I almost knew I'd here. Maybe he won't notice me. Stupid idea. Stupid concern, really. But I just knew it would affect me negatively. I walked up as they walked down. Brief exchange as we passed.

Climbing sucked. Not severely, but I was just too angry to be productive. Yea yea, I should channel my anger, but it was too much. I just wanted to go back to before any of this.
Briefly I had the whole gym to myself. I played my music and worked on relaxing to some easy courses. I did half of Hannah's course and slipped. I went back to the start and couldn't get up to save my life. So I just went and laid in the cave for a while. Some guys came in. One of them stayed longer and we talked some... It was almost 9 and there was no more improvement to be made, so I left.



Today ends like most days. Me alone in my room trying to find the reason for all of this. Telling myself how pathetic I am emotionally, while becoming more and more invincible physically. Debating actions, scenarios. Mulling over dreams and past events. Trying to find something to look toward for tomorrow. Searching for the next route I can manage to the top, and knowing that once I get up there, I'm just gonna have to come back down.