Hey Grandpa. Things are alright... well not really. Hah, I don't even know how to answer that question. Every time I feel like I've hit rock bottom I just end up sinking further. I was finally happy over the summer, after years and years of depression, but when I got back to school it started wearing down. And then I was just living day to day, dealing with whatever came along. Eventually, I got up really high, felt great, and then suddenly started spiraling down. It came to a point where I wasn't doing my work, caring about anything. I think last night was the worst and I somehow came to accept that things are so severely messed up that all I can do is live day to day and deal with things as they come. So I'm back where I started. Not happy, but not debilitated out of despair. And still... I feel useless, I feel like life is meaningless, and I don't feel that I have anything to work toward or look forward to, like its all in vein.

I envy Becca's faith because it stabilizes her life. But then again, I don't even know if I want that sort of stability; even if I thought I could quell all the thoughts and questions and confusions by adopting some religion, that would give me no more meaning or direction than I already have. In fact, it would do the opposite.
I don't want to have all the answers. Seeking to solve problems and answer questions is what drives me through each day. And so I conclude that in my constant questioning, I will also harbor much pain and loneliness, since I will never be satisfied.
I don't know what to do, or if there is anything I can do except learn how to deal with the pain, and accept that this is who I am.

Thanks for writing to me.
Alex