some of the best advice so far:

Patrick

so, you're going soon.

are you excited?

8:07pmAlex

yup

kinda

scared

8:07pmPatrick

i'm sure everyone's been asking you

well, if it helps i could always lend some advice

about leaving everything you know and going somewhere new :D:D

8:08pmAlex

sure

8:08pmPatrick

all i can say is that

it won't always be as awesome as you hoped.

a lot of times

it will.

you'll be doing the things you planned and it'll be exciting but

the times that it's not can really get you down.

so, just find one person, or some activity, or something even as minute as a new food or even a song that

makes you feel good about the decision you made

and stick with that.

i know that sounds dumb but that's how i've been doing it

8:12pmAlex

thats really good advice. thank you.

8:12pmPatrick

like, there are times

i feel alone or

some deep cold about how i can't go back.

and then i just hold out and everything gets a lot better.

to be honest i've been struggling a lot with it recently! and

i don't want that to happen to you.

I feel like all the people who told me how everything was going to be okay before i left

like, you want to believe it but you're still a little scared even if there's no reason to be

and i can say from my side of the fence you'll be okay.

if you can get me to like you from one day of talking to imagine what you're going to do to SOUTH AMERICA


and he called me tonight to sing me a song. it was wonderful. and we talked a bit too. (type 2 conversation from a near stranger!) another good thing about meeting Patrick is he reminds me of all the great people in the world i have yet to meet. same with Kirsten from the climbing gym today.
i like this whole gym-hopping thing. new terrain and new route styles every time. Mom convinced me to bring my climbing shoes to Peru so i hope i find some time and some rock to do that. ^_^

So it is my last night here for a long time. August seems a million miles away, and it won't be till then that i'm back in this room. or that i get to see my kitties and doggies again. or most of my friends. that is tough to think about, and for once i am actually trying to ignore the reality of a situation... at least until that plane takes off and i am started on my adventure.

fuck, i should have started writing sooner. i have a lot on my mind. i didn't think i would be able to write. i guess i was scared to be honest with myself, which is what writing often is. i want to cry right now. and i know when i hug my mom goodbye i am going to be an absolute wreck.

mom says i am going to come back from this completely changed. *big sigh* i try not to be afraid of change, but its going to be interesting navigating all of this, and trying to maintain an sense of identity ...though i guess identity cant be static...ever.

the image that "you are going to be a completely different person when you come back" makes me think that the next time i am sitting at this desk typing at you, i am not going to be me; i am not going to understand what i have written here before...

i can't imagine why i would think that. i have changed so incredibly much over the years and there thousands of thoughts in my old journals that i read now and think "i somehow still feel this way."


anyway. i should seriously wrap this up. i will write more on the plane and type it up later if i get a chance.

okay. ready

set

go!

Scar Tissue [that i wish you saw]

those lines don't want to separate again
and i won't force them open.

my love-affair with climbing

This poem was in Dead Point Magazine which I got for free at The Warehouse Rock Gym in Oly. I love it.

"Wanted:
Looking for a rock climber/belay-partner/lover:

I could be your energetic, romantic,
Moonlight walking, intimate talking,
Totally easygoing,
Warm you up on a cold morning, 5'9" brunette arete.

But if you're anything like me, you won't want it that easy.

We both like to live life a little dangerously
Which is why, you'll see
I can be your 5.14d -- in fact,
That's exactly what will keep you coming back to me.

I can be your crimper/sloper/side-pull/gaston/
undercling/two-finger pocket.
I have curves, smooth lines, and a well-featured face.
You can mantle, lie back, and hand-jam me.
I have clean placements that will still get your hands dirty.

Looking for a rock climber/belay-partner/lover:

I enjoy awkward stemming problems
And find a certain pleasure in silences.

You get your thrills from run-outs.
I get my thrills from running out in the rain barefoot,
And running out of gas in the snow,
Hundreds of miles from home.
I like the adventure,
The inconvenience,
The change of pace.

I have problems,
Commitment issues.
I give up at the last possible moment.
I'm afraid of getting in over my my head
And afraid of being tied down,
But I'm not afraid of being tied up.

Knot practice at camp four:
You'll tie me up in figure eights.
I'll teach you the figure four.
And we'll do it to stay warm.

High above Katmandu,
We can work on dynamic moves.
We can practice doing them statically.
And feel the electricity jump from body to body.

We can practice on cliff sides and tables
In bivouacs
On crash pads
And dangling from cables.

We can have back country love affairs.
We can be port-a-ledge paramours.

We can make falling feel like flying.

There are two kinds of falling,
And while I know you're not afraid of heights at all,
Or tumbling backwards off the wall,
Because hell -- I've seen you fall,
I do wonder...

I watched you fall again and again for Serengeti,
But what would it take to make you fall like that for me?
And would it be more, or less scary?
We could fall into serendipity,
Because as soon as you've forgotten about landing
You can fall with wild and reckless abandon,
And it feels
Like flying.

Trust me.

I'm on the other end of this rope.

Looking for a rock climber/belay-partner/lover:

Looking for back-country love-affairs.
Looking for port-a-ledge paramours."

by Ruthie Taylor

kindle

so i am writing my first blog via kindle. its sorta a process to get to this page but now i know how so maybe this will be how i do it in peru. typing on this little keyboard takes a bit longer too and i am typing blindly because it takes a few seconds for each letter to show up. anyway. i was thinking of making a new blog site for my travels in peru. i might yet but i still feel attached to Each Day so i might just continue on this site for my travel log too. anyway. it is late and i need to get to bed. lots left to do. i need to remember to take my typhoid vaccination pill in the morning.

also... call me crazy but i am really paranoid about fires and dont know what to do with all my journalswhile im gone. those are things i cant imagine losing and i want them to be safe. i almost ordered a fireproof box online just now. i sometimes wish paper was easy to back up like blogs and electronic info. sometimes i wonder about myself and sanity. whatever. i will figure it out...or i wont.

things of today:

breakfast with Heidi and Ben at Isadora's.

packing for Peru

THIS LIST (<--- click)

This quote:
"The competition is really with yourself and whether or not you can do it. You're not competing with someone else, and you're not even really competing with the rock, but you trying to work together with the rock and trying to work together with yourself to execute this choreographed dance up the wall." -Sharma, on climbing :D

Going into Seattle to see Eric and Tyler!

run away

i wish i could escape this, but it doesn't seem like i am going to anytime soon.

i KNOW there are better things out there for me.
i KNOW there are better people. so much better. so why? why does this hurt so bad?

it will hurt less when I'm away, and more when i come back. and i just want to be done. i just want better things, which i guess i thought you were.

its all twisted up to me, and in me and i don't fucking know why. cause its like i can see so clearly about it in my head for a moment, like the twisted lines straighten out and i can see right through all of it, but then it all just springs back into complete chaos and i don't...

whatever. i just don't get how i can know it will mean so much less with time, yet still feel so horribly about it right now. if i know the cycle i have to go through, can't i just be done with it without having to go through it all again, and again. cause it just goes up and down and around, and the curves are always the same, but i'm always surprised.

and its not just a pattern for love and heartbreak, but for life and depression.

i just feel so sick. and at the same time that i need to get away and leave for Peru, i don't know how i am going to survive there without... mostly, without my mom. i don't fucking know how i'm going to do it, how i'm going to cope with these things when i have so much else to adjust to and deal with. maybe i will be distracted enough. maybe.

its late and i need to sleep.
i want to go see The Runaways tomorrow. it looks like something I will enjoy quite a bit, even if its just for stupid escapism. i just need some friends to go with.

low

i feel useless

i try really hard, but i just relentlessly fail at ... being happy.


i wish i could sleep. i can. but when i sleep i never want to wake up and that's just even more worthless.

im still severely depressed... how do i think peru is going to change anything? at least it will be temporary relief, but brought with another pain which is giving up my solid ground which i rely on much more than i could say. i hate it. i just want to be stronger, and be okay with myself, in myself, by myself. i know that is wrong. i know i can't exile myself completely and hope to fix anything.

its all a fuckin paradox.

a letter i might send

Hey Mark,

I deleted you from my friends list on facebook because I really don't feel the need to stay in contact with you at this point. I gave you a well thought-out and valid explanation of my point of view and all you could do was ignore it and pretend that what I said proved your point instead of actually thinking about the information I presented. The information you present doesn't really have much backing behind it. So many of your statements have been statistics that you probably heard from someone else. Well I am just wondering if you understand how they got those statistics. Its really hard to tell sometimes if numbers really represent what they say they do, especially in statistics where there are often large margins of error. None of your stats have confidence statements or anything. Do you understand what that means? I could explain it to you if you want, but I don't want to act like I know everything. I'm sure you already understand it anyway. Clearly you understood my argument about Keynesian economics so well that you could rebuttal it without even a word.

(How does that sarcasm feel to you? I bet it doesn't make you too happy, but that's how everyone else feels upon reading the majority of your posts.)

Anyway, what I really wanted to say here was that I respect the fact that you have an opinion, but I don't respect that you voice it so loudly without any action to make the change you wish to see. If you truly believe in democracy and believe it is being undermined, go fight for it. I believe democracy is failing as well, but I think that has been the case for a lot longer than the year and a half Obama has been in office, and even a long time before Bush was in office. There are severe flaws in our political system, but we have the right to fix them. So I encourage you to go fix them! However you see fit. There are plenty of ways. I hear you are volunteering! That's a great start, but if you care about politics wouldn't it be cool to try some activism? I am not being sarcastic (though I realize it is hard to tell on the internet sometimes). I think you have powerful beliefs and you should go fight for them in a way that is productive to your cause. There are so many amazing things to do in the world that can make a difference.

The last thing I wanted to say is this: I am deeply offended that you would so quickly suggest that I think I know everything. If you paid attention to my character at all you would know that I am humble about all my beliefs; you would know that I question everything that I am told and everything I think. I am analytical and uncertain. When I make a statement, I make sure it is backed up by facts and forethought. I am not a child, though I can't really expect you to understand that since the most time I have spent with you was during my childhood. But time has moved on, and I have grown up. I have an educated and open mind that does not deserve to be bashed by pure ignorance. My character does not deserve your words of anger that are based on what? A conversation about politics over facebook? I am shocked that my own uncle, a person who I should look up to, my elder, could not only demean me by judging me in such an unfair way, but also disgrace himself by posting racist videos on the news feed. You suggested that age is a judge of intelligence by using my supposed age of 18 as a point of reference. Well even though I don't believe age has too much to do with intelligence I thought it had a little bit to do with maturity and tact, but I think you have pretty much disproved that theory by your recent actions.

-Alex


So... that's the letter I might send. I at least had to write it to blow off some steam. Lemme know what you think or if I should change anything.

darkness and lights

some time has passed, as have some thoughts. and im unsure how many i will be able to recount here.

i am home in North Bend. Home in Olympia is now a little less like home, but i can't be too sad about it even though i was living with and around amazing people. i am finding it easier... it is only hard to think that i can't call Tyler and have him come right over to hang out, i can't text Eric and Zach and ask them if they wanna go climbing in an hour, i can't go across the hall and lay on Ari or Cari's bed with them to look up weird things on the internet.

its like camp... i met amazing people and had a better time then i expected to have, and then its over. and its hard to leave, but i can't be too sad. i am going somewhere new again to be surprised by the people i meet and the places i see. and then it will be hard to leave again.

camp was harder to leave than Evergreen because i was afraid of what i was coming back to. i felt depression waiting for me at the gates. p307 was not the escape from darkness that camp was. but it was a good home that held me safely enough in its arms while i stumbled around. that room that i left there was a place where life happened for me, and i guess that is why we find it hard to leave homes behind or see them destroyed.

i often think that unrooted life is cause for communal unhappiness of our society. we don't have connection to place as our ancestors hadwe try to recreate it in houses and neighborhoods, but what is the cause if neighbors never speak and families dont get along?

i know i would never be "happy" with the lifestyle so many seem to want. i will use my parents as an example. i do not have contempt for my parents. i simply despise our house, our neighborhood, our three car garage...ect. it is home, so i love it. it is comfortable and easy, so i find myself embracing it. but i do not want it for myself, for my future. it isnt what i believe in.

i fear, deeply, that i should end up with that. that my fear of something different will back me into it. that i will become what i've always hated.

the problem i suffer now is that i already am what i hate. and that i love so much. "there is so much guilt in loving." i cant remember where i heard that. there is so much guilt in me.

i do what i can, but i can do more.

back to the original point... leaving Evergreen and the States (even briefly) feels like a release from things that were/are holding me back from the joy i seek. maybe i am too romantic about it, but i know that even if joy doesn't persist in one place forever, i can find it briefly in curiosity and discovery (...there is another tangent here about how maybe it is human nature to never be settled, explaining manifest destiny, our journey to space, and our reliance on cyberspace, which maybe i wouldnt have been thinking about if i hadn't done the reading that i will mention later. i credit that author with this tangent, though i may never write/develop it). so, brief joy. that is a theme in my thinking lately, partially inspired by Swell Season's album "Strict Joy" and the lyrics, as well as the themes in the movie Once. Brief seems the nature of "joy," though that could just be for me. i dont really know. (i don't really know anything).

i wish i had the braincells to express what is on my heart. but i have a headache and i have lots of unpacking/sorting and things to do for Peru. i have people i want to spend time with before i leave. but i also have so much to write, and so many thoughts.

i think i have expressed what i have the energy to tonight. i can't keep fighting all these ideas right now, and even if i don't fight them, it is hard to present them in ways in which i won't offend someone or misrepresent something.

selfishly, i wish Tyler was here. he keeps me warm and he keeps my mind off things. and it isn't just him, it is the company and the unconditional love and affection, which i abuse. and it is even more selfish because i want to escape these thoughts which have merit and meaning, and which are my responsibility. how is that escape any different than getting wasted? life is too short to be unconscious and unaware more than we already have to be. luckily my consciousness seems to persist even in sleep. or is that unlucky?

i was reading that book Aunt Pat sent me called "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer. im not sure i want to delve into a full blown review/response right now, but it helped me keep that gaping hole inside me to a reasonable size tonight. a conversation with dad (stemming from an interesting visit to a jewelry store) was what ripped me open this day. when i got home, i was unpacking and found that book and flipped through it a bit. i read the section about metaphorical seasons and life, and the section about the author's depression. season's had interesting thoughts, but the depression bit hit home. aside from Zach and myself i don't think i have heard anyone express my own emotions so accurately. Palmer provided explanation of some of his journey through/out-of his depression. his thoughts at least widened, or added a rung to my spiral of thoughts about the concept.

anyway, the other sections of the book i read/skimmed helped me realize some other things and i was shocked that i actually enjoyed it. i thought it was gonna be some self-help, empowerment thing, and MAYBE that is what it was meant to be, or why my aunt sent it to me. just the title alone had turned me off. but i guess i was thinking about it wrong. I thought "Let Your Life Speak" like 'let your life be an inspiration to others. but now that i've read some, it is more like 'let your life tell you things,' 'let your experience be your guide' which i guess i relate to a lot better, or at least, see as less of the superfluous nonsense i was expecting... not to say it was all impressive or meaningful to me (though i can't be judgemental since writing and publishing one's thoughts is difficult and scary and admirable in almost any regard), but it was pleasantly surprising and helpful in some small way.

and i am listening to this song:

"Once in a while i act like a child to feel like a kid again
It gets like a prison in the body i'm living in
Cause everone's watching and quick to start talking, i'm losing my innocence
Wish i were a little girl without the weight of the world

It would be nice to start over again
Before we were men
I'd give, i'd bend, let's play pretend

Remember the times we had soda for wine,
and we got by on gratitude
The worst they could do to you was check your attitude
Yeah when fights were for fun, we had water in guns,
and a place we could call our own
How we lost hold of home i guess i'll never know

It would be nice to start over again
Before we were men
I'd give, i'd bend, let's play pretend

And when it's the end,
Our lives will make sense
We'll love, we'll bend, let's play pretend

It's not going to be long before we're all gone with nothing to show for them
Stop taking lives, come on let's all grow up again

It would be nice to start over again
Before we were men
I'd give, i'd bend, let's play pretend

And when it's the end,
Our lives will make sense
We'll love, we'll bend, let's play pretend"
-Pretend by Lights

i see the flaw. pretending is ignorance, and that is another one of my worst fears. i don't want to pretend, which is why i don't want to escape either.

but sometimes Lights is all i want to listen to. it soothes me and i feel connected to it, similarly to Jack Johnson, because it is angry and sad, but in a way that is soft and hopeful. sort of a breath of fresh air.

and i guess all of us need to breathe once in a while.
that's fine.
i just don't want to forget everything i know (and don't know) that makes me who i am, and guides me to go where i need to go, to do what i need to do, to be happy and free, and (more importantly) to let other people be happy and free.

goodbye love

it was the way you looked at me as i looked at your reflection. you were walking away but waiting for me to look at you, to say goodbye...
you didn't know, i've been looking for a while.
we've been facing the same direction all this time,
but the mirror's dark reflection briefly let me see you smile.

and the way you handed me the box.
we passed it back and forth, but our hands didn't touch,
like old lovers who love each other too much.


it was a sunny day, like today. it may not be even a year later, but it feels the same. i remember leaving and who i would miss the most. and i remember our conversation, and the feeling of cruelty that the day i find connection is the day i leave.

conversations

a description of my weekend as told to alicia:

"so yesterday i went to that memorial service

and the night before, i went clubbing

both those things were terrifying and hard

clubbing was the most... disgusting thing i have experienced. and the service was ridiculously sad. i sat next to Jessie Shain (the girl Eric dated in highschool) and she was a wreck

tyler dressed up like a gay guy, which... you HAVE to see the pictures

but being at the club... it was like straight out of a movie. the girls were just acting like complete sluts. the guys were like vultures."

---------------------------

i felt like screaming all weekend.

i felt so trapped


it feels so strange to compare these events. but they were similar. both made me go deeply inward to find strength, though different types for each.

i entered both with expectations, and a feeling that i didn't belong. it doesn't matter. i was there. and i talked to Jessie, and she said my presence really helped. her opinion on whether or not i should be there is the only one that really mattered to me anyway. i was there for Eric, his friends and family, and Jessie. and I learned so much about him by being there. i also needed to be next to Jessie because i think out of anyone i can relate to her loss the most, not because i have lost anyone in that manner, but because i have loved someone in a very similar way that she loved Eric.

i don't think i need to revisit anymore of the emotions. so much anger and sadness that i had to hold inside. and there is no reason to let it loose now. not now. now there are other things to feel...

i will never forget either event though.

Horoscope

I liked mine for tomorrow and wanted to keep it in mind.

Let today serve as a reminder of the importance of love, Scorpio. Don't just think of it as a commodity you fight for and conquer with conniving tricks and strategic dating tactics. Realize that love is evident in how you see the world; it's a seed in you. The more you see love in the people around you, even in the heart of a stranger, the more you'll be blessed with its radiant light.

ECLIPSE

OMFG!
NEW TRAILER
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

decisions decisions

write drafts of my evals

learn the lyrics to Clint Eastwood

take a shower

sleep


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

wtf. climbing

its been so long since i've been climbing and i was really stoked to go tomorrow
then i realized that multiple shots for vaccinations + climbing is probably not an ideal combination. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i hope i feel good enough to go. or i could drop everything right now and just go tonight and hope tomorrow is an option too...
but... i shouldn't. should i?


:'(
i am going to miss that climbing gym.

emotionally charged

is how I feel right now.

it doesnt really feel good

or bad.

i feel beaten. i feel lost
nothing new.

i hate everyone else
almost as much as i hate myself.
i fucking love life.

i hate all this strife. i just want to buy a sailboat and leave with you
and leave everything
and even leave you
cause you are fucking killing me

how can i be so lovesick over someone i cant stand.
i cant fucking wait to be away from you
to not have to fight to urge to tell you these feelings i dont even know if im really feeling anymore
or ever

i cant fucking believe
you leave
so soon
and i leave too

and maybe someday i'll leave with you
but i doubt it
and i doubt i will want to

i just fucking hate the way we are to each other
love hurts each other so much.
Love.
love
i thought it was ... permanent
not that we would last
but just that i would feel that way forever

and i feel that its all just brilliant flashes
that fade
and you can see faint glimpses of their spirits when other explosions happen
like fireworks.
but the wind carries them away
and you forget how or why
and you fucking forget everything you would never forget

and you forget how to love
and how to feel
anything that will actually sustain, remain ...create anything lasting.

how could i have loved you or him or you or fucking you? i just don't remember what that means.

all it means is that my purposeless life seemed to have more purpose
but that went away too.

so i just don't know what its all for
and i just don't know why, even though i know you are not ideally what i want/need, you are the only person i care to try for. is that love? i doubt it

but why the fuck not...
i can't seem to reach anything else, anything more gripping, anything more tantalizing, or fuckin addicting.


but see...
now that i finally see
life wants to show me something new
wants to throw my conviction to the wind.
we will be new
places
people
and i will come out of it with more or less
being more or less of a person than i am
with more or less conviction
or more or less ability to love

probably more compassion
probably more hate
(and yes, i believe those things can increase at once, somehow... even as a contradiction to supposed common sense)

whatever.
its late and i should sleep
and i need to shower cause im itchy
and i need another day than i have to study for my spanish test
and i want to go climbing but i dont have the will to exert energy or inflict pain on myself (that's a definite change).

but all of this is stream of consciousness and unfiltered, except the names.
but the names don't matter cause it is all pretty general
so don't fucking worry about it
and don't fucking assume things
im just writing to write tonight
because the flow of my fingers on keys feels better than scribbling on pages incoherently. but that's just tonight...
and because its been a while.

so yea,
warm shower, brush teeth
get in bed to sleep, study, or read.

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

oops
i left my cell phone in the writing center....

there were fireworks

so i got away.
i went to the beach with Carolyn and Tyler, Eric and Daniel. swimming was wonderful. and the fire.

then i went to Seattle with Becca to have dinner with Mom. We met at Nathan's and Dad came too. I was really excited but then found out Nathan's boss and wife were coming. It completely changed the dynamics and really pissed me off. I feel ripped off. I wanted time with Mom and Becca and if Dad and Nathan wanted time with those idiots then they could have gone somewhere else.
Ugg, I don't know why I'm so pissed off about this. I just really didn't want to deal with shit last night. I just wanted to be with people who I love and trust and not fucking put on a face for people. FUCK!
Mom and I sat on the end and avoided the conversation until people started saying ignorant shit that I couldn't ignore so then I got involved and got even more pissed. It was stupid.
I was so angry. I wanted to scream in that stupid restaurant. Luckily I was texting Josh and had mom there. Josh made me laugh, and excited for camp, and mom and I had a nice conversation, but I guess I wanted to be more honest with her than I was.

I don't want to go to a resort/on a tourist vacation. I want to Roatan to do volunteer work or something. I don't want to lay on a beach and eat food and be a fucking tourist. I mean, I know I'm gonna be tired after Peru, and I am going to "want" that, but I am also just gonna hate myself more for it. I keep trying to think of it differently. I am going to up my scuba certification. I don't want to use that for selfish purposes either. If scuba diving is going to be part of my life it is going to be for research or something that is going to help the world. So this week at Roatan will help me get there. Its also an opportunity to be with my family. But my family has a lot to offer and I don't want it to be wasted. I know my parents work hard and want a vacation, and I know my mom is staying longer to volunteer, but ugg...

I don't know. I just...

this quote that Em put up in our hallway:

"It drives those who would be kind kind, but you will grieve the more for it."

yea, that just sums up my existence.

look, im too fucking pissed off and too fucking tired to keep writing.
I stopped moving. I'm back here at my desk and it almost feels like I never left.

all I can do to stay sane now that I am back is think of:

being numb from the cold water and still feeling the waves crash over me,
the way the sky looked on the beach at night
the moon rise
the pale blend of colors in the morning

being in my moms arms,
laughing hysterically (even though everyone around me thinks im crazy/drunk)
the feeling of sleep.
---------------------------------


there were fireworks
and I couldn't enjoy them.
what do we sacrifice for brief moments of spectacular colored explosions of light?
the clarity of the air, in sound and composition.
we breathe more shallowly
we jump at the sound
we lose the stars.

blindly

"seems somebody put out the moon... now the road is a minefield"




i didn't catch a ride with Ari to Seattle. Its what I need to do to get everything done that I have to do before leaving for Peru.

Becca isn't coming on Wednesday.

I'm not gonna...
No, I am gonna make it... its just gonna be shitty.

In Spanish class yesterday we watch The Motorcycle Diaries which was not only one of the best movies ever, but it also got me really excited to be in a new place, to be in THAT place. When the characters were in Lima and Cuzco, I felt like I almost felt like I was there. And I almost am there...

So, since I found out I am not seeing my family this weekend or next week, I feel like I was just dumped out on the street and there is nowhere to go. Basically I have no motivation at the moment. But I need to find some so I can do my Spanish work, and practice a lot, and write my Spanish essay, get logistics done for travel, go climbing (or running... hmm, hadnt considered that -- maybe if my mp3 charges. it actually decided to turn on today, so thats an improvement), and i need to make a decision about camp (called Zeeb and she can't offer me a part time position this summer so its either all summer at Killoqua, or half at NYSC and half at Summer Winds. Sorry Killoqua...I think I know where my heart is on this one.)

I had a dream about Matt (N) last night, but it was a combination of he and Adam. And we were on the Evergreen campus, but it was a lot different. I was with Matt/Adam. The Adam part of him was with his girlfriend, but apparently had two (which I knew because they had always come into the Writing Center at different times and he had kissed them --NOT real life). The Matt part of him was flirting with me and asking me his opinion on which girl he should be with (neither of them was his girlfriend from real life). Everyone else liked the really primped up "gorgeous" one. I liked the quieter one who was just as pretty, just not as obsessed with herself. I really wanted her to be with Adam, but not Matt. I wanted Matt to like me. And he did, and everyone knew it, but I didnt want to be another one of Adam's girls. (wtf is wrong with my mind?) Anyway, so THEN it was Matt/Adam, one of his girlfriends, Tyler's friend Christina, and Christina's... boyfriend? They were all going to play Cribbage. Matt looked at me as if he was going to invite me. I had tears in my eyes, but he must have realized they already had enough (too many?) players, or that it was an even number. I was sitting in a room, with people, on the bottom floor of one of the apartments watching the frisbee players on the field. I knew Zach wouldn't be there, or Tyler. Then I saw Eric and I was surprised he went out there on his own, but I lit up when I saw him. I cheered for him for a bit. Then there was a game of soccer that I was ref-ing, or I was at least trying to determine if a shot ended up being a goal. It was cool cause the shot kept replaying in real life so I just went to the goal and stuck my hand up and the ball hit my hand, so it was within the goal post. I don't remember who was playing. Kids or something. And... we were watching King Kong, but then King Kong was real and it was killing people, and it tried to kill me. I don't remember how I got away from King Kong but she could talk and she was really offended about something so she was dropping my friends(?) off a water tower and watching them splatter on the ground. When she picked up the last friend --who offered themselves to go before me-- I started climbing down the ladder and somehow got away. There was some sort of party that night. I don't remember the rest in detail. It might come back to me later though.

Blech. Alicia had a bad performance today, she said. We are both struggling so I offered to take her out to do something or go climbing. She wants to go home, so I might go with her but I wish she'd stay here and see if our friendship still has any of the power it did before to make our lives a little brighter. It'd be nice to just go out with her and see the fun we could get into...

Anyway, I need to find that motivation asap and get shit done before the offices close.

oh. there is one more thing. So last night, when I was writing that blog about missing my mom, I wanted to mention something else. I know two of my readers have lost their moms for good. It makes me feel almost selfish to miss my own, but let me just say that being reminded of the possibility that i could lose her, since others have lost theirs is part of what makes me realize how important she is to me, and that i should spend as much time as possible with her before i go.

and the fact that my sister got a gun pulled on her (even if it was fake) makes me want to be with her more and more too. it could have been a real gun. she could be gone.

enough now.
there are things to be done.


i may walk blindly, but i have choosen a direction, and now i just need to take it.

seeking

i need to get outta here... just for a day or the weekend or something. Ari and her dad are going up to Seattle tomorrow. I might catch a ride. It'd be nice to go to Lindsey's party and see her and some people like Matt and Dana who are supposedly going. Gosh, that'd be nice. Its possible, I just need to make the choice tonight.

Nothing is helping right now... I thought being done with the stressful school stuff would help, but it just leaves that much more space for my mind to.... I don't even know what its been doing lately.

I try to wince the loneliness away. It comes swiftly with the falling of the sun. But "company" feels as thin as the air. I'm sorry. It's only the truth. And if we are going to delve into the truth... I've cried myself to sleep the last few nights. Mostly because I miss my mom. Even if she doesn't always understand me, there is something about our connection that just makes me need her, and makes her love more real than anything... and I need that right now. No other connection even feels real right now. I don't know what that means. I just know how it feels.... its all hollow, but maybe that just me.


Maybe I can go home tomorrow night and then spend Saturday night at Lindsey's party and then bus it back to EG on Sunday. I have lots of Spanish work to do, but no biggie. The only things holding me back are going climbing tomorrow, and going to Ben's birthday party. Honestly though, I don't think I'd have fun at Ben's party (no offense Ben... you understand though). And I can climb all next week and all next weekend and until my eval the week after. Then I just wanna be home I think. As much as I wish there was, there is nothing here for me right now. There isn't much more in the valley as far as people or things to do. The reason I want to be there instead of here is because of my family. Be with them while I can...before I leave. Being "home" is one of the best things I know anyway, and its been a few weeks since I've felt that feeling of being home, except when my mom visited. So I guess I do know where that is. I don't want this to be demeaning to anyone. I will take the blame. I am hollow. Not any of you. I don't know how to be what other people are in terms of relating to each other. Maybe this will change. Maybe I will change. Maybe someday I will understand relationships and love better. But right now... I think I have just struck out so many times that I forgot how to play, or I just don't want to swing anymore. I'm not just talking about romantic love either. I am talking about self-love, friend love. That sort too.

the point is... I need to move. I need to take my backpack and camera and fucking get off this campus and get out of Olympia. Like i said, even if just for the day. And I know I am going to be travelling non-stop soon, but I need something to tide me over. So I think I will go tomorrow.

I'm gonna go pack. Then sleep. Then call mom in the morning and make sure she is gonna be home. Maybe she is going through Oly on her way back from Oregon. I could catch a ride with her then.

I watched Skellig tonight. It was my favorite book in middle school. The movie made me really nostalgic, but wasn't nearly as good. I still need to find that book Shadow, about the dog. I wonder if it was called Shadow. Maybe that was that cat book. Yea... I think that was it. What was that book about that golden retriever dog. It was a yellow book and I think it had a silhouette of a dog on the cover. I can still feel what the cover felt like. It wasn't a very thick book, and it was small and light in my hand. It was at the Bend Public Library, I think. I will find it someday...

anxious-nervous/anxious-excited

omg omg omg omg omg
FUCK public speaking.

I can't even do it in my own room.
Why am I so morbidly afraid of this?

ACKKKKKKKKKKK

I'll be done soon. Soon soon soon. A little over 12 hours and I will be done.