i wish i could escape this, but it doesn't seem like i am going to anytime soon.

i KNOW there are better things out there for me.
i KNOW there are better people. so much better. so why? why does this hurt so bad?

it will hurt less when I'm away, and more when i come back. and i just want to be done. i just want better things, which i guess i thought you were.

its all twisted up to me, and in me and i don't fucking know why. cause its like i can see so clearly about it in my head for a moment, like the twisted lines straighten out and i can see right through all of it, but then it all just springs back into complete chaos and i don't...

whatever. i just don't get how i can know it will mean so much less with time, yet still feel so horribly about it right now. if i know the cycle i have to go through, can't i just be done with it without having to go through it all again, and again. cause it just goes up and down and around, and the curves are always the same, but i'm always surprised.

and its not just a pattern for love and heartbreak, but for life and depression.

i just feel so sick. and at the same time that i need to get away and leave for Peru, i don't know how i am going to survive there without... mostly, without my mom. i don't fucking know how i'm going to do it, how i'm going to cope with these things when i have so much else to adjust to and deal with. maybe i will be distracted enough. maybe.

its late and i need to sleep.
i want to go see The Runaways tomorrow. it looks like something I will enjoy quite a bit, even if its just for stupid escapism. i just need some friends to go with.