i don't even know where to begin talking about how I feel. i guess i don't really want to, cause its always the same ol shit.
I've started dreaming again consistently.
The first one was about Tyler and I escaping bubbles in my garage, ending up on a crane that was hanging over a cliff. We were still running away from something so he pretty much pushed me off telling me I had a parachute, when all it looked like was a climbing harness. Then I pulled him down with me, and we were falling so fast. He pulled this string on the harness and this really flimsy parachute released. It only caused a little drag on the fall, and I remember feeling certain we were going to die. But I guess it slowed the fall enough that we didn't die when we landed in the back of Ariel's new convertible. She drove us away...
I had another dream the next night. Can't really remember. It was something about a factory... geez, i really can't remember.
Then the next night, I dreampt about Nygil. I don't recall the beginning, but he was taking me away to somewhere. We were driving and kept having to stop for various things. We were dating and he really wanted me to meet his friend. On one of our stops we ran into his friend and to my dismay, it was Grey. I felt really conflicted and suddenly remembered why I had liked him so much at camp. We caught up on talking. And alot of weird things happened in this place we were staying. I don't remember details, just feelings. I felt torn between them (Matt F was there at some point too which made it even harder). I also felt uncomfortable about some of the happenings, though I don't know what they were.
Last night, I had a scary dream. It wasn't terrifying but it just put me in a lot of situations that were hard. So... there were 3 parts to it.
Part 1) Black Darkness
PAX or some convention. A lot of people I know are trying to get in. I think its a concert festival or something but I was in line with my mom and she was buying Nathan, Becca, Amanda, and I tickets. The tickets were really expensive especially if you wanted to see the headlining bands. I told mom it was really important to Nathan and Amanda that they saw those bands but not to worry about buying the most expensive tickets for Becca and I (I planned on getting in to whatever show I wanted to, with or without tickets). In the middle of buying tickets something happened. There was like a government intervention and they were trying to brainwash us all into doing something. I ran away and hid. I found someother people who were hiding, about my age, and we decided to wreak some havoc. We started tearing down the walls where the main bands were going to play. We did this so everyone could see whoever they wanted. We kept tearing down more and more walls until they sent these machines after us to kill us. I think I hid in an office somewhere, and Matt and Becca might have been there to help me too. Later, when things calm down, I meet up with Nathan and Amanda. I don't remember anything else.
Part 2) Leaving Light
Its the next day and everyone from the concert is staying at Evergreen. We are all staying in Zach/Tyler/Eric/Daniel's apartment, but they arent there. I remember waking up as the sun is going down. There were tons of people laying on the field and Alicia, Meagan ect were getting ready to go out and bask in the sun as well. I got ready and went to join them a bit after they left. Right when I get out there the sun is just setting behind the trees. I head back to the apartment and get a phone call that tells me that my mom is dead. From the feeling I remember getting, I don't think she was dead permanantly, because I was just disappointed that it would be a long time before I saw her again. Nathan and Becca reacted a lot differently and wanted to leave right away. I followed them.
Part 3) Day and Dusk and Dark
Then next day, we were at a tropical beach. Becca and I were feeling really upset and decided to swim out into the ocean. We swam to this rock that some people had built. It was meant for climbing, but it wasn't built very well. We messed around on it for a while, but the shoes I was wearing werent good. She floated around in the warm water for a while while I tried to figure something out about the rock formation. I think I went back to it later with my climbing shoes. I remember loving that everytime I fell I would fall into water. The water was so clear which made me feel even better. It wasn't very deep, but deep enough that I wouldn't hit the bottom when I fell. At some point Tyler was with me, but he didn't stay long. There was a storm coming, and we weren't supposed to be out there. The rock wasn't very versatile and I was frusterated about that, but I remember never wanting to leave. For some reason, I did anyway. There was a circus of sorts on the beach and when I got back to shore I watched for a while. Most people retreated because of the storm. The sky was getting dark and the rain was getting closer. There was also an oil spill that happened while the circus was going on. It was right below one of the acts where this woman was walking on a tightrope between a cliff and the rock formation, while juggling things that were on fire. She dropped one and there was this explosion of fire. The rain didn't help and it was completely dark outside. Most people started running away and screaming, but I stood there watching for a bit. Apparently there was a tsunami coming too, and I started running around trying to find people who were stuck in buildings or lost. I couldn't find Nathan or Becca though but I thought if I kept helping people my siblings would survive too.
The details are all pretty fuzzy. These dreams weren't as vivid as I used to have, and my memory kinda let them fade over today and the past few days.
2 Comments
I don't remember much of you. We were never friends, I don't know if we ever had a class together (maybe PE), and I'm not sure if we even ever spoke (maybe a few words... I'd like to hope so.) I remember you were well-liked by many. I remember thinking you were cute, and maybe even having a little crush from afar.
I remember your laugh, ever-so slightly.
I don't know if I remember your voice.
I don't remember any times with you, good or bad (though I think we were both at Rattlesnake on senior skip day). I remember positive feelings toward you for the most part, though I was aware that we we're very different. We might not have gotten along if extended interaction had occurred. We were in high school...
I remember that we were in different friend groups,
and I remember that we probably had different beliefs.
...I don't remember why that was important.
It's painful, and maybe wrong, but I try to imagine what it was like when you were dying. Or even what it was like to be in a situation where you it was likely to die any given day. Did it feel honorable to die over there? Did you know it was going to happen? Maybe it wasn't like anything. Maybe it was instant. But your friends had been killed just days before. Did you know it was coming? How much did you think about it? Was it painful? Was it peaceful? Did you have any regrets?
How many people had you killed?
I'm... so sorry, but I can't keep that question inside me anymore.
This is the nature of war.
And I can't be proud of it.
I hate to compare high school to war, but think of what came between us:
"We had different beliefs"
different values
different things that we would die for.
are they so different?
freedom? equality? peace?
and we believe and we love and we fight to defend what we love.
and we fight
and we FIGHT
and we fight wars
warrrrrrrrrrrrr
fucking fuckin fucking WAR
FUCK
its all fucking violence.
a fuckin fistfight
in the hall, with the gray carpet and the red lines.
and the lines that we stand behind. (i thought we were all on the same side).
we were just trying to survive that place.
we're just trying to give the world a better face!
but its bleeding on the floor. its bleeding on the carpet
stained until they change it,
on the fuckin desert sand,
soaked until they rearrange it
and it will blow away with the wind.
it will fucking blow away!
no, it will fucking stay in the fabric cross sections of gray.
the blood bleeds across the lines from either side,
and maybe someday
there will be enough sacrifice.
yea
we're waiting for a time when the blood blends the gray with crimson,
and we can remember no line at all.
I remember your laugh, ever-so slightly.
I don't know if I remember your voice.
I don't remember any times with you, good or bad (though I think we were both at Rattlesnake on senior skip day). I remember positive feelings toward you for the most part, though I was aware that we we're very different. We might not have gotten along if extended interaction had occurred. We were in high school...
I remember that we were in different friend groups,
and I remember that we probably had different beliefs.
...I don't remember why that was important.
It's painful, and maybe wrong, but I try to imagine what it was like when you were dying. Or even what it was like to be in a situation where you it was likely to die any given day. Did it feel honorable to die over there? Did you know it was going to happen? Maybe it wasn't like anything. Maybe it was instant. But your friends had been killed just days before. Did you know it was coming? How much did you think about it? Was it painful? Was it peaceful? Did you have any regrets?
How many people had you killed?
I'm... so sorry, but I can't keep that question inside me anymore.
This is the nature of war.
And I can't be proud of it.
I hate to compare high school to war, but think of what came between us:
"We had different beliefs"
different values
different things that we would die for.
are they so different?
freedom? equality? peace?
and we believe and we love and we fight to defend what we love.
and we fight
and we FIGHT
and we fight wars
warrrrrrrrrrrrr
fucking fuckin fucking WAR
FUCK
its all fucking violence.
a fuckin fistfight
in the hall, with the gray carpet and the red lines.
and the lines that we stand behind. (i thought we were all on the same side).
we were just trying to survive that place.
we're just trying to give the world a better face!
but its bleeding on the floor. its bleeding on the carpet
stained until they change it,
on the fuckin desert sand,
soaked until they rearrange it
and it will blow away with the wind.
it will fucking blow away!
no, it will fucking stay in the fabric cross sections of gray.
the blood bleeds across the lines from either side,
and maybe someday
there will be enough sacrifice.
yea
we're waiting for a time when the blood blends the gray with crimson,
and we can remember no line at all.
jobs jobs jobs...
Zeeb from Camp K and Becca from Summer Winds have been emailing me about working this summer. wow... it feels like last summer just ended. I guess there is still a good chunk of time before those things start up again. I AM going to Peru for 10 weeks before then. Even so, I still feel like I am gonna need a longer break before being at Camp K all summer again, which is why I really hope I get the job in West Virginia at NYSC. Initial offers were supposed to be made on Saturday but I guess Andrew got delayed. That kinda sucks cause Zeeb wants to confirm my dates... now! What do I do? I think I am just gonna confirm dates for Killoqua that are after the science camp ends. That way I can accept a job offer from NYSC if that's the case, or if I am not hired by NYSC then I can stay in Honduras longer with my family, or come back here and work a session or two at Summer Winds before my time at Killoqua starts. That makes sense and I probably shouldn't keep Zebra waiting for my confirmation.
schoolllllllll.....
My final paper is due tomorrow. I don't feel too stressed out about it, I just know I have a lot of work to do and its going to be a massive time and energy commitment to make it the quality I want it to be.
I found out that my final presentation is a week from today. I am glad its not any later or I would be a wreck for even longer. I checked the clock today in class at 11:40 which is when I am supposed to present next week. It was a LONG period of time and I was on the way up to the Greenery by 11:55 when my presentation is supposed to end. Scary. At least I feel confident that I am actually going to do it. And I am trying wildly not to psych myself out like I did last year. It helps that I feel really confident in my paper and that I care deeply about the topic. I wish that somehow I could share my passion and learning about this topic with the class, without having to get up and talk in front of everyone. :/
Someone suggested I don't think about it as a presentation but as a way to share something really cool that I've been learning about. That is probably the only way I can think about it if I am going to get through this week without defenestrating myself. Hahahahahha
Its hard to get over the academic paradigm I've been raised in though, so a presentation, as it stands, is a presentation. Eventually I hope to get over that.
Paradigms in general are hard to break. This is something I've been thinking about, and I've been actively trying to see life in different ways... ways that involve complete shifts in understanding. I guess partially this is impossible. We are, in part, products of our environment... whatever that might mean disparately in different situations. Paradigms "have little meaning without the cognitive presuppositions that go with them" to paraphrase Jorge Ishizawa in Cosmovisions.
meh...
done writing.
Zeeb from Camp K and Becca from Summer Winds have been emailing me about working this summer. wow... it feels like last summer just ended. I guess there is still a good chunk of time before those things start up again. I AM going to Peru for 10 weeks before then. Even so, I still feel like I am gonna need a longer break before being at Camp K all summer again, which is why I really hope I get the job in West Virginia at NYSC. Initial offers were supposed to be made on Saturday but I guess Andrew got delayed. That kinda sucks cause Zeeb wants to confirm my dates... now! What do I do? I think I am just gonna confirm dates for Killoqua that are after the science camp ends. That way I can accept a job offer from NYSC if that's the case, or if I am not hired by NYSC then I can stay in Honduras longer with my family, or come back here and work a session or two at Summer Winds before my time at Killoqua starts. That makes sense and I probably shouldn't keep Zebra waiting for my confirmation.
schoolllllllll.....
My final paper is due tomorrow. I don't feel too stressed out about it, I just know I have a lot of work to do and its going to be a massive time and energy commitment to make it the quality I want it to be.
I found out that my final presentation is a week from today. I am glad its not any later or I would be a wreck for even longer. I checked the clock today in class at 11:40 which is when I am supposed to present next week. It was a LONG period of time and I was on the way up to the Greenery by 11:55 when my presentation is supposed to end. Scary. At least I feel confident that I am actually going to do it. And I am trying wildly not to psych myself out like I did last year. It helps that I feel really confident in my paper and that I care deeply about the topic. I wish that somehow I could share my passion and learning about this topic with the class, without having to get up and talk in front of everyone. :/
Someone suggested I don't think about it as a presentation but as a way to share something really cool that I've been learning about. That is probably the only way I can think about it if I am going to get through this week without defenestrating myself. Hahahahahha
Its hard to get over the academic paradigm I've been raised in though, so a presentation, as it stands, is a presentation. Eventually I hope to get over that.
Paradigms in general are hard to break. This is something I've been thinking about, and I've been actively trying to see life in different ways... ways that involve complete shifts in understanding. I guess partially this is impossible. We are, in part, products of our environment... whatever that might mean disparately in different situations. Paradigms "have little meaning without the cognitive presuppositions that go with them" to paraphrase Jorge Ishizawa in Cosmovisions.
meh...
done writing.
how can you pretend to know whats in my heart when you blatantly ignore the truth of it that i tell you? you may not be intentional in your oversight, but you are consistent.
and perhaps it is my fault for using cryptic codes, metaphors, euphemisms.
but
"if you don't know the kind of person i am, and i don't know the kind of person you are, a pattern that others made may prevail in the world."
but when i show you, when i tell you, you don't want to accept it. i don't want to accept it. a pattern that others made. how about the pattern i have been stuck in? why not believe in that? because it is inconvenient and disturbing? yes. i wish i could deny it too. but this is who i am, and i for one won't be too surprised if it's who i'll always be. i don't feel i can change it.
(oh, how can i explain what i am saying when it seems to contradict itself?)
we always let patterns prevail; patterns we think we have no control over. *shrugs* maybe we don't have control --i certainly feel i have little sway in my condition. but maybe we do. we at least have the power to acknowledge the implications of the pattern, and what may or may not be altered in its disturbance. and to consider how best to attempt to disturb it, if in fact we end up believing we should. in that case we must try... and believe you me, i am trying. and have been.
but you cannot read this and pretend that when i smile it is whole. you know better. you, readers, should know better than most anyone else what is in my heart.
---------------------------
i felt really purposeless today. prep meeting for Peru this morning. hardly paid attention. at lunch i sat outside with alicia, her friend, and ben, pierce sat down too. i was fairly detached from the convo as normal, but mostly i was sitting there wondering how alicia was doing. when i was leaving alicia walked inside with me and we started talking; a conversation we need to continue. i forgot how much i can relate to her, even though we are so different. i think she will understand how i have been feeling. seems that she has been feeling the same way.
in seminar, i almost asked my small group if they thought they were generally happy or sad. we were on the verge of type 2 with our discussion, but i decided that bringing it there in such a setting might be inappropriate or invasive.
maybe part of why i start shutting down is because i am deprived of that sort of shared energy.
i sort of fainted today after the Editing for Empowerment meeting. We were in the basement of the library today, and it was time for tutors with appointments to leave to go back to the CASL. i was sitting packing my books and got extremely dizzy, wobbled, lost motor control, blacked out and fell backward into the couch. the impact jolted my vision, but i still couldn't move for a few seconds. it was difficult to get up the stairs, and for the next hour (during my appointment) i felt like i was going to black out. i got lots of sleep last night. ate tons of food today. donno what went wrong.
off work in 45 minutes. need to study spanish and write some of my paper tonight. presentations start next week and i am trying not to panic. i feel oddly calm, though that could be a "calm before the storm type-thing," or maybe i have subconsciously already decided not to do it at all, or perhaps i have accepted that i will survive it whether or not i struggle with it or worry about it, or maybe i just don't give a shit anymore.
ok. time for some monotonous memorization in an attempt to understand the grammatical constructions of a different language (when i don't even understand my own... as was demonstrated in the EfE workshop today).
and perhaps it is my fault for using cryptic codes, metaphors, euphemisms.
but
"if you don't know the kind of person i am, and i don't know the kind of person you are, a pattern that others made may prevail in the world."
but when i show you, when i tell you, you don't want to accept it. i don't want to accept it. a pattern that others made. how about the pattern i have been stuck in? why not believe in that? because it is inconvenient and disturbing? yes. i wish i could deny it too. but this is who i am, and i for one won't be too surprised if it's who i'll always be. i don't feel i can change it.
(oh, how can i explain what i am saying when it seems to contradict itself?)
we always let patterns prevail; patterns we think we have no control over. *shrugs* maybe we don't have control --i certainly feel i have little sway in my condition. but maybe we do. we at least have the power to acknowledge the implications of the pattern, and what may or may not be altered in its disturbance. and to consider how best to attempt to disturb it, if in fact we end up believing we should. in that case we must try... and believe you me, i am trying. and have been.
but you cannot read this and pretend that when i smile it is whole. you know better. you, readers, should know better than most anyone else what is in my heart.
---------------------------
i felt really purposeless today. prep meeting for Peru this morning. hardly paid attention. at lunch i sat outside with alicia, her friend, and ben, pierce sat down too. i was fairly detached from the convo as normal, but mostly i was sitting there wondering how alicia was doing. when i was leaving alicia walked inside with me and we started talking; a conversation we need to continue. i forgot how much i can relate to her, even though we are so different. i think she will understand how i have been feeling. seems that she has been feeling the same way.
in seminar, i almost asked my small group if they thought they were generally happy or sad. we were on the verge of type 2 with our discussion, but i decided that bringing it there in such a setting might be inappropriate or invasive.
maybe part of why i start shutting down is because i am deprived of that sort of shared energy.
i sort of fainted today after the Editing for Empowerment meeting. We were in the basement of the library today, and it was time for tutors with appointments to leave to go back to the CASL. i was sitting packing my books and got extremely dizzy, wobbled, lost motor control, blacked out and fell backward into the couch. the impact jolted my vision, but i still couldn't move for a few seconds. it was difficult to get up the stairs, and for the next hour (during my appointment) i felt like i was going to black out. i got lots of sleep last night. ate tons of food today. donno what went wrong.
off work in 45 minutes. need to study spanish and write some of my paper tonight. presentations start next week and i am trying not to panic. i feel oddly calm, though that could be a "calm before the storm type-thing," or maybe i have subconsciously already decided not to do it at all, or perhaps i have accepted that i will survive it whether or not i struggle with it or worry about it, or maybe i just don't give a shit anymore.
ok. time for some monotonous memorization in an attempt to understand the grammatical constructions of a different language (when i don't even understand my own... as was demonstrated in the EfE workshop today).
i return to this
to express what is in my heart
-- it is blood.
this essence of life drips from me, as the symbolic expression of
everything within.
to exist, i want it to stay inside me.
to live, i need it to pour out.
this sharp implement is a weapon,
-- i use it to draw words, like blood;
to release the built pressure of cyclical confinement
into freedom;
to spill this substance
for the sake of survival,
sanity,
and some sort of sick, strict joy.
i carve out my pain
and trust that layers will hold these thoughts
as scars, if i press hard enough
and let whatever comes out, come out.
again and again, i leave my marks:
stains on a fleshy membrane,
able to mimic the easy flow; the rich-red color; the oddly sweet, bitter taste
of my internal composition.
to express what is in my heart
-- it is blood.
this essence of life drips from me, as the symbolic expression of
everything within.
to exist, i want it to stay inside me.
to live, i need it to pour out.
this sharp implement is a weapon,
-- i use it to draw words, like blood;
to release the built pressure of cyclical confinement
into freedom;
to spill this substance
for the sake of survival,
sanity,
and some sort of sick, strict joy.
i carve out my pain
and trust that layers will hold these thoughts
as scars, if i press hard enough
and let whatever comes out, come out.
again and again, i leave my marks:
stains on a fleshy membrane,
able to mimic the easy flow; the rich-red color; the oddly sweet, bitter taste
of my internal composition.
watching people run past; seeing their stride. looking at their legs. how much force, how much muscle, how much focus. what are they listening to?
knowing exactly what the sun looks like just from the way it is reflecting off the trees. can the picture in my imagination blind me?
seeing people I know pass. not getting their attention, just observing. hearing their voice in my head. telling them something silently. do they know I'm watching? do they want to be watched?
pretending to know what those strangers voices sound like; what they are saying. wondering if they would understand me. wondering about the possibilities between us. will i ever see you again? will you ever know i exist? will we have a conversation? will my life depend on you?
knowing exactly what the sun looks like just from the way it is reflecting off the trees. can the picture in my imagination blind me?
seeing people I know pass. not getting their attention, just observing. hearing their voice in my head. telling them something silently. do they know I'm watching? do they want to be watched?
pretending to know what those strangers voices sound like; what they are saying. wondering if they would understand me. wondering about the possibilities between us. will i ever see you again? will you ever know i exist? will we have a conversation? will my life depend on you?
look
looking for an outlet
looking in all the wrong places
"looking"
"look"
(what a fucking weird word!)
"we are about to start one of two types of conversations"
type 2...
type 2!
I'm addicted.
and today.
the sun
in place;
out of place
with music.
i'm sorry, but happiness is just too uncomfortable for me.
looking for an outlet
looking in all the wrong places
"looking"
"look"
(what a fucking weird word!)
"we are about to start one of two types of conversations"
type 2...
type 2!
I'm addicted.
and today.
the sun
in place;
out of place
with music.
i'm sorry, but happiness is just too uncomfortable for me.
"who i am and who i want to be, and the struggle i have between the two." (10.3.09)
"I can't hate myself so much that I am paralyzed in hate." (10.14.09)
"the line breaks between what is real and unreal" (11.19.09)
between
"love" and hate
strong and "weak"
heaven and "hell"
I'd show you, cause its beautiful...
but then you would take me away.
"I can't hate myself so much that I am paralyzed in hate." (10.14.09)
"the line breaks between what is real and unreal" (11.19.09)
between
"love" and hate
strong and "weak"
heaven and "hell"
I'd show you, cause its beautiful...
but then you would take me away.
"we are about to start one of two types of conversations..."
"making something out of nothing"
i should know... it is always going to be type one.
"where love is your only friend"
its alright though. i can still fight...
"Won't somebody come along
And teach me how to keep it alive?
To survive.
Come along and show me something
That I never knew[...]
Take away the tourniquet."
when they take everything away."
Matt (N) inviting me roller skating tonight for Gabe's birthday. It was enjoyable. I'm not too bad at skating, but not nearly as good as I am on roller blades. Matt and I played some air hockey too... which he won...
I fell once, smacked my knee, and now its pretty swollen. Whatever.
Mark was there and we talked, but not much. I really don't think he even wants to be my friend. Wonder what I did wrong.
I needed to get off campus, so I'm really glad I went tonight and spent time with new-ish people. And skating is therapeutic for me, so that helped too.
This afternoon was almost too much, and my stomach is all in knots (and hungry), and my heart wants to cry, and my head wants to go fix everything, and my... emotions want to punch someone. Everything is conflicting.
I fell once, smacked my knee, and now its pretty swollen. Whatever.
Mark was there and we talked, but not much. I really don't think he even wants to be my friend. Wonder what I did wrong.
I needed to get off campus, so I'm really glad I went tonight and spent time with new-ish people. And skating is therapeutic for me, so that helped too.
This afternoon was almost too much, and my stomach is all in knots (and hungry), and my heart wants to cry, and my head wants to go fix everything, and my... emotions want to punch someone. Everything is conflicting.
oh new music...
<3
ugh.
running out of time is not a good feeling.
I can tell it is bubbling up. I have never acted that way before...
I have always suppressed it.
But you said you are doing good. and I am doing good.
and fuck.
I shouldn't screw anything up.
"The night is deafening when the silence is listening
And I´m down on my knees and I know that something is missing.
Because the back of my mind is holding things I´m relying in
But I choose to ignore it because I´m always denying them.
I´m a bit of a manic when it´s not as I plan it
Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic
Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it
Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?
I don´t want to know
I just want to run to you
And break off the chains and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust"
-Lights
Not the best, but somehow defining.
<3
ugh.
running out of time is not a good feeling.
I can tell it is bubbling up. I have never acted that way before...
I have always suppressed it.
But you said you are doing good. and I am doing good.
and fuck.
I shouldn't screw anything up.
"The night is deafening when the silence is listening
And I´m down on my knees and I know that something is missing.
Because the back of my mind is holding things I´m relying in
But I choose to ignore it because I´m always denying them.
I´m a bit of a manic when it´s not as I plan it
Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic
Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it
Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?
I don´t want to know
I just want to run to you
And break off the chains and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust"
-Lights
Not the best, but somehow defining.
Its the superficial.
Its what holds us back.
Get the fuck over it.
Its what holds us back.
Get the fuck over it.
Em's gotta catch 'em all:
"He is my sexual Charizard
Alex is my sexual Dark Raichu
Carolyn is my sexual Psyduck
Ariel is my sexual Blastoise
Goodnight my sexual Pokémon"
-Em
"Lets play: What was Tyler Trying to Draw?" -Alex
"It looks like a pickle in a sock." -Em
"It looks like a cucumber with a handle." -Carolyn
"Its a sustainable dildo adaptor!" -Em
"Ehhhhehhh?" -Ari
"He is my sexual Charizard
Alex is my sexual Dark Raichu
Carolyn is my sexual Psyduck
Ariel is my sexual Blastoise
Goodnight my sexual Pokémon"
-Em
"Lets play: What was Tyler Trying to Draw?" -Alex
"It looks like a pickle in a sock." -Em
"It looks like a cucumber with a handle." -Carolyn
"Its a sustainable dildo adaptor!" -Em
"Ehhhhehhh?" -Ari
Today in our Writing Center meeting the icebreaker was to pick your favorite punctuation mark. Someone introduced the interrobang which is a combination of an exclamation point (a bang!) and an question mark (interrogation...?).
Also, if I am going to start typing in Spanish I thought it'd be good to learn the html for the symbols I need.
¿Como estás?
á
é
í
ó
ú
ñ
and then there are some less purposeful ones, for creativity and elsewise...
<3
i am being so ridiculous.
Take my status on facebook for example:
Alex: is so mad at her broken window she wants to punch it‽
see, that statement is sorta contradictory so i decided to use an interrobang to express the confusion i feel in that particular situation. the interrobang pretty much defines my life.Also, if I am going to start typing in Spanish I thought it'd be good to learn the html for the symbols I need.
¿Como estás?
á
é
í
ó
ú
ñ
and then there are some less purposeful ones, for creativity and elsewise...
<3
‽i am being so ridiculous.
i DID NOT just hear one of the reference librarians say to another:
"gimme a hand job"
why would he say it that loud?
he musta said something else.
shit
im losing it.
it must be the RHCP i'm listening to. damn you Kiedis...
speaking of that motherfucker, i need to get Scar Tissue for my kindle.
Oh, and all this talk of the Chili Peppers reminds me that Nygil put me in a good mood this morning. he didnt do anything, but i thought of him when Incubus' Dig started playing on shuffle.
"dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me."
Damnit, wish he still went here. He's one of like two people who specifically helps me remember who I am and who I really want to be; he doesn't let me lie to myself, but it seems he will love me no matter what. And that song reminded me of that. It helps me smile about the possibilities within human connection even when they seem so thin. and it also allows me to relinquish some of my dependence on the other person, who has the same effect but doesn't necessarily have as much... personal attachment to me.
nah nah nah
don't start thinking about it this early. long day ahead of you.
so, class again in an hour. perhaps i should eat something. also should have done more research during this time. no more Andean Roots til next Wednesday, so I have lots of time to focus on research, as long as I don't get distracted like this all the time.
lunch
seminar
meeting
tutoring
researching
sleeping
"gimme a hand job"
why would he say it that loud?
he musta said something else.
shit
im losing it.
it must be the RHCP i'm listening to. damn you Kiedis...
speaking of that motherfucker, i need to get Scar Tissue for my kindle.
Oh, and all this talk of the Chili Peppers reminds me that Nygil put me in a good mood this morning. he didnt do anything, but i thought of him when Incubus' Dig started playing on shuffle.
"dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me."
Damnit, wish he still went here. He's one of like two people who specifically helps me remember who I am and who I really want to be; he doesn't let me lie to myself, but it seems he will love me no matter what. And that song reminded me of that. It helps me smile about the possibilities within human connection even when they seem so thin. and it also allows me to relinquish some of my dependence on the other person, who has the same effect but doesn't necessarily have as much... personal attachment to me.
nah nah nah
don't start thinking about it this early. long day ahead of you.
so, class again in an hour. perhaps i should eat something. also should have done more research during this time. no more Andean Roots til next Wednesday, so I have lots of time to focus on research, as long as I don't get distracted like this all the time.
lunch
seminar
meeting
tutoring
researching
sleeping
our eyes will rot
our hair will strip from our heads
our bodies dissolve to feed the earth
we will soon be beautiful too.
love me now.
our hair will strip from our heads
our bodies dissolve to feed the earth
we will soon be beautiful too.
love me now.
an unnamed strain between me and the others,
i wish to transcend and i will try.
an esoteric look between the supposed select,
that is somehow void of mutual understanding.
a disappointment that memories fall as fast as time,
and yours isn't near as good as mine.
an impassioned attempt to break the personal, social bonds
that keep me prisoner in the open air.
i wish to transcend and i will try.
an esoteric look between the supposed select,
that is somehow void of mutual understanding.
a disappointment that memories fall as fast as time,
and yours isn't near as good as mine.
an impassioned attempt to break the personal, social bonds
that keep me prisoner in the open air.
"But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
And anything to make you smile
Its a better side of you to admire"
No one's gonna love you more than I do
And anything to make you smile
Its a better side of you to admire"
standing
pressed
against the
counter
2
shirts
slightly lifted
above
loose fitting jeans
worn low
on hips
hands pushing them
down
4 feet
wearing
no shoes
or socks
on a
carpet floor
or any other type...
dirt even.
low lights
full lights
no lights
no matter
just contact
and pressure
heat and
some sort of love or desperation
that we feel
pressed
against the
counter
2
shirts
slightly lifted
above
loose fitting jeans
worn low
on hips
hands pushing them
down
4 feet
wearing
no shoes
or socks
on a
carpet floor
or any other type...
dirt even.
low lights
full lights
no lights
no matter
just contact
and pressure
heat and
some sort of love or desperation
that we feel
anyone wanna look at my integration paper? Finished it this morning, but don't really want to read through it myself at risk of getting too picky about it and trying to revise a ton.
I need to get onto my sem paper for Conservation Refugees. This should be interesting. I don't really want to get all worked up about politics tonight, though I suppose that is a minor inconvenience and I shouldn't complain. Its sorta my duty as a thinking person to care about these things.
I have a lot of other emotions going today and I'm exhausted, but that sorta feels good except that I should sleep soon and a lot.
Tomorrow is that last Andean Roots meeting until a week from Wednesday cause they are giving us time to work on our research papers. I wish that meant I had Spanish off too, but I guess it won't be too bad. And I still have tutoring as well. I hope I find a way to stay on track during this break because I know I am just gonna want to relax, climb, run, skate, play soccer and other variations of having fun/distracting myself from how shitty I always feel. Or not distract myself from how I feel and sorta wallow in it by writing poetry, and analyzing lyrics.
Hmm.. I really wanna go on a date. What a strange... desire. Not really, but still, I feel sorta pathetic for thinking about that.
I'm not so mad at myself about not running this morning anymore. Ben and Mom, your comments helped. I did some climbing anyway which was good (minus being totally burnt out).
Ari's Super Bowl party was fun. Ate lots of food, got way too into the game, tickle fights and wrestling. That sort. It was goodness.
Sorta lost it at the end. Can't say why... don't really know. Supposing it has something to do with who I am. Or maybe just how tired I am. We will never know.
Last night Matt(Newton) invited me to see the student directed/acted play Tomb with a View with him. It was super fun. He was at the party today too. I hope he and I become/stay good friends because he's really easy and fun to be with, spontaneous and that sort. Good things.
Relationships with people are strange things for me right now. I never feel comfortable in my exchanges with people, even if I know them well. In fact I might get on with strangers better than I do with people I know. No way to judge. Sometimes I wonder why I think about such nonsense. Perhaps because of how I feel...
yea, when I woke up this morning I had "The Royal We" stuck in my head cause it was in my dream. first think i did when i got up was check Nygil's blog and he had written out the lyrics. kinda neat.
Oh donn. I can hardly keep my eyes open. No me gusta.
Go go gadget sem-paper!
I need to get onto my sem paper for Conservation Refugees. This should be interesting. I don't really want to get all worked up about politics tonight, though I suppose that is a minor inconvenience and I shouldn't complain. Its sorta my duty as a thinking person to care about these things.
I have a lot of other emotions going today and I'm exhausted, but that sorta feels good except that I should sleep soon and a lot.
Tomorrow is that last Andean Roots meeting until a week from Wednesday cause they are giving us time to work on our research papers. I wish that meant I had Spanish off too, but I guess it won't be too bad. And I still have tutoring as well. I hope I find a way to stay on track during this break because I know I am just gonna want to relax, climb, run, skate, play soccer and other variations of having fun/distracting myself from how shitty I always feel. Or not distract myself from how I feel and sorta wallow in it by writing poetry, and analyzing lyrics.
Hmm.. I really wanna go on a date. What a strange... desire. Not really, but still, I feel sorta pathetic for thinking about that.
I'm not so mad at myself about not running this morning anymore. Ben and Mom, your comments helped. I did some climbing anyway which was good (minus being totally burnt out).
Ari's Super Bowl party was fun. Ate lots of food, got way too into the game, tickle fights and wrestling. That sort. It was goodness.
Sorta lost it at the end. Can't say why... don't really know. Supposing it has something to do with who I am. Or maybe just how tired I am. We will never know.
Last night Matt(Newton) invited me to see the student directed/acted play Tomb with a View with him. It was super fun. He was at the party today too. I hope he and I become/stay good friends because he's really easy and fun to be with, spontaneous and that sort. Good things.
Relationships with people are strange things for me right now. I never feel comfortable in my exchanges with people, even if I know them well. In fact I might get on with strangers better than I do with people I know. No way to judge. Sometimes I wonder why I think about such nonsense. Perhaps because of how I feel...
yea, when I woke up this morning I had "The Royal We" stuck in my head cause it was in my dream. first think i did when i got up was check Nygil's blog and he had written out the lyrics. kinda neat.
Oh donn. I can hardly keep my eyes open. No me gusta.
Go go gadget sem-paper!
yea.. not very happy with myself.
should have fucking tried harder to train for the half marathon and done it.
all the runners are walking by my window.
should have fucking tried harder to train for the half marathon and done it.
all the runners are walking by my window.
I love my family so much.
So fucking much.
and climbing today was awesome.
So fucking much.
and climbing today was awesome.
i warned you.
i can't be sorry.
i say it every fucking day on here.
maybe if you fucking people paid attention to my words you wouldn't be surprised when my actions matched.
i can admit i'm fucked up. that i'm a hypocrite. that i'm ignorant. that i'm a bitch. i know it. i say it to you. so don't tell me like i'm supposed to be surprised.
i can't be sorry.
i say it every fucking day on here.
maybe if you fucking people paid attention to my words you wouldn't be surprised when my actions matched.
i can admit i'm fucked up. that i'm a hypocrite. that i'm ignorant. that i'm a bitch. i know it. i say it to you. so don't tell me like i'm supposed to be surprised.
it doesn't make sense.
why can't i just accept that?
I need to do something amazing. Now.
Somebody, please show me something beautiful...
why can't i just accept that?
I need to do something amazing. Now.
Somebody, please show me something beautiful...
There are so many things going on. No wonder I am so stressed out. Not school things. Personal things. People things.
I want to go on a run, alone, and just fucking push myself until I fall over and can't get up. And just lay there and writhe in pain. No one will find me.
I can't begin to explain some of the things in my head. I wish I could convey what I mean... Why I feel so desperate for air, drowning...
and I almost want to let myself.
And the absurdity that surrounds... I never want to stop moving with it. But something must be stable. Must? No.
Maybe I can live completely up in the air. I just must be stronger.
I want to go on a run, alone, and just fucking push myself until I fall over and can't get up. And just lay there and writhe in pain. No one will find me.
I can't begin to explain some of the things in my head. I wish I could convey what I mean... Why I feel so desperate for air, drowning...
and I almost want to let myself.
And the absurdity that surrounds... I never want to stop moving with it. But something must be stable. Must? No.
Maybe I can live completely up in the air. I just must be stronger.
perhaps to forfeit imagination would make this all simpler. i suppose that's why many people do so.
Yo quiero llorar.
Pero tengo que ser mas fuerte.
Asi que estoy mas enojado que estoy triste.
Pero tengo que ser mas fuerte.
Asi que estoy mas enojado que estoy triste.
Yay for another hour of class each week? Well, maybe I will actually learn some Spanish now.
Estoy nerviosa despues de la lectura en Raices Andenas hoy, pero estoy contenta tambien porque voy a ir en dos meses. Y yo necesito mucho ir a un paiz nueva; un lugar nueva.
Estoy muy cansado, and poco triste. Voy a escribir un papel anoche. Pero espero ver un pelicula. Mis companeros de cuarto no quieren ver la pelicula conmigo.
Estoy escribiendo en espanol, pero no se que otros personas puedo entender. Mi espanol es no muy bueno, y los personas que leen mi blog no comprenden espanol (ademas Benjamin).
Pero... no hay diferencia. No pienso alguien me entienden en ingles nunca.
Estoy nerviosa despues de la lectura en Raices Andenas hoy, pero estoy contenta tambien porque voy a ir en dos meses. Y yo necesito mucho ir a un paiz nueva; un lugar nueva.
Estoy muy cansado, and poco triste. Voy a escribir un papel anoche. Pero espero ver un pelicula. Mis companeros de cuarto no quieren ver la pelicula conmigo.
Estoy escribiendo en espanol, pero no se que otros personas puedo entender. Mi espanol es no muy bueno, y los personas que leen mi blog no comprenden espanol (ademas Benjamin).
Pero... no hay diferencia. No pienso alguien me entienden en ingles nunca.
- How many pictures can you take in a forest setting that have not been previously done or resembled?
- How long can you go completely naked?
- How long can you go without looking at something that measures time?
- Eat nothing (including compensation water consumption) but (possibly warm) soup consisting of water, flour, and one green vegetable (green onions?) for a week.
- Choose: Wash your hair 4 times a day for a week, or wash once within 14 days.
- Master (to your definition) an instrument that is not piano, guitar of any form, or drum set.
- Record the most prominent facial expression of the people that surround you daily for a certain period of time.
- Paint or draw something monochromed in your absolute least favorite color.
- Plan out an entire plausible and likable day, intricately, and do not do a single thing planned.
- Have a genuine conversation with a true stranger about something that heightens your emotions.
- Be incredibly obnoxious and weave a believable and inaccurate argument in defense of why you are being this way.
- Gain a (minor?) physical wound however you like and pay attention as it gradually heals.
- Distinguish the difference between two things and establish whether that difference is beautiful or destructive. Then establish the beauty in it regardless.
- Describe something completely separate of what it "is like."
- Celebritize something arbitrary, persons are permitted. Alternative: recognize a time you have already done so.
- Deliberately submerse yourself in an experience that is uncomfortable to you. Do something you hate.
- Get a tattoo.
- Dress in a considerably formal fashion from head to toe for a very informal occasion, or no occasion.
- Cry. Really cry.
- Create something from scratch. (Ideas: baking, painting, welding, music, writing, dancing, sewing, gardening, conversation.)
- Spend a period of time focusing on someone else's breathing.
- Rid yourself of a possession that holds a specific meaning to you. Do not sell it.
- Smell the concrete on the ground somewhere.
- Go as long as you can without saying "I don't know."
- Write down and save a list of 8 honest things you find valuable about yourself.
- Change your mind about something.
- Complain about something as lovingly and gently as you can.
- Have a crush on someone.
- Ask a genuine question.
- Cover your ears for a day in an attempt to skew everything you would have heard.
- Bite something that should never be bitten- such as fire or an eye.
- Exercise (in any form) until you literally cannot anymore. Then continue. Don't sell yourself short.
- Break something made of glass, plastic, etc that can be reformed with glue, and reconstruct it together again in an effective form that is not its original state.
- Eat carrots each time you eat candy. (Not forever unless self chosen.)
- Create a word (not a synonym) and integrate it into your vernacular.
- Stare at someone for at least a minute, then share exactly your thoughts once they notice/question it, aside from the execution of this planned exercise.
- Deeply analyze the next time you experience goosebumps (preferably from sources other than cold).
- Be affected.
- Remix something intangible.
- Make an anti-statement that is not a question.
- Interpret something for a confused person. Omit your input.
- Respond solely on impulse for a period of time, and be wholly content with that response.
- Consume your all time favorite beverage soon.
- Contemplate absurdity.
- Show up.
- Formulate 11 possibilities to be your favorite way of spending time. Consider who you used to be. Consider this is no longer the case. Decide on 2. Then fail in consistency.
- Scream at the top of your lungs without releasing the expected sounds. Silently does apply, so long as the action remains full and wholehearted.
- Pay no attention at some point. Then re-enter.
- Be fearless of something you have no control over.
- Loud.
- Lol (actually).
- Drop everything and go somewhere that you currently are not within 70 miles of. Specific direction not necessary. Superfluous money not necessary. Identity of Chris McCandless not necessary. Fear of guilt, constraint, or disappointing not necessary.
- Give yourself a haircut that you haven't had.
- Decide on an organism (flora OR fauna) that you most commonly resemble.
- Appear to be disgustedly offended the next time you encounter the use of a traditional saying or phrase.
- Stay up for sunrise two days in a row, and figure why you liked one of them more.
- Avoid mirrors and all sources of physical reflection.
- Stop looking at the ground so much.
- How long can you go completely naked?
- How long can you go without looking at something that measures time?
- Eat nothing (including compensation water consumption) but (possibly warm) soup consisting of water, flour, and one green vegetable (green onions?) for a week.
- Choose: Wash your hair 4 times a day for a week, or wash once within 14 days.
- Master (to your definition) an instrument that is not piano, guitar of any form, or drum set.
- Record the most prominent facial expression of the people that surround you daily for a certain period of time.
- Paint or draw something monochromed in your absolute least favorite color.
- Plan out an entire plausible and likable day, intricately, and do not do a single thing planned.
- Have a genuine conversation with a true stranger about something that heightens your emotions.
- Be incredibly obnoxious and weave a believable and inaccurate argument in defense of why you are being this way.
- Gain a (minor?) physical wound however you like and pay attention as it gradually heals.
- Distinguish the difference between two things and establish whether that difference is beautiful or destructive. Then establish the beauty in it regardless.
- Describe something completely separate of what it "is like."
- Celebritize something arbitrary, persons are permitted. Alternative: recognize a time you have already done so.
- Deliberately submerse yourself in an experience that is uncomfortable to you. Do something you hate.
- Get a tattoo.
- Dress in a considerably formal fashion from head to toe for a very informal occasion, or no occasion.
- Cry. Really cry.
- Create something from scratch. (Ideas: baking, painting, welding, music, writing, dancing, sewing, gardening, conversation.)
- Spend a period of time focusing on someone else's breathing.
- Rid yourself of a possession that holds a specific meaning to you. Do not sell it.
- Smell the concrete on the ground somewhere.
- Go as long as you can without saying "I don't know."
- Write down and save a list of 8 honest things you find valuable about yourself.
- Change your mind about something.
- Complain about something as lovingly and gently as you can.
- Have a crush on someone.
- Ask a genuine question.
- Cover your ears for a day in an attempt to skew everything you would have heard.
- Bite something that should never be bitten- such as fire or an eye.
- Exercise (in any form) until you literally cannot anymore. Then continue. Don't sell yourself short.
- Break something made of glass, plastic, etc that can be reformed with glue, and reconstruct it together again in an effective form that is not its original state.
- Eat carrots each time you eat candy. (Not forever unless self chosen.)
- Create a word (not a synonym) and integrate it into your vernacular.
- Stare at someone for at least a minute, then share exactly your thoughts once they notice/question it, aside from the execution of this planned exercise.
- Deeply analyze the next time you experience goosebumps (preferably from sources other than cold).
- Be affected.
- Remix something intangible.
- Make an anti-statement that is not a question.
- Interpret something for a confused person. Omit your input.
- Respond solely on impulse for a period of time, and be wholly content with that response.
- Consume your all time favorite beverage soon.
- Contemplate absurdity.
- Show up.
- Formulate 11 possibilities to be your favorite way of spending time. Consider who you used to be. Consider this is no longer the case. Decide on 2. Then fail in consistency.
- Scream at the top of your lungs without releasing the expected sounds. Silently does apply, so long as the action remains full and wholehearted.
- Pay no attention at some point. Then re-enter.
- Be fearless of something you have no control over.
- Loud.
- Lol (actually).
- Drop everything and go somewhere that you currently are not within 70 miles of. Specific direction not necessary. Superfluous money not necessary. Identity of Chris McCandless not necessary. Fear of guilt, constraint, or disappointing not necessary.
- Give yourself a haircut that you haven't had.
- Decide on an organism (flora OR fauna) that you most commonly resemble.
- Appear to be disgustedly offended the next time you encounter the use of a traditional saying or phrase.
- Stay up for sunrise two days in a row, and figure why you liked one of them more.
- Avoid mirrors and all sources of physical reflection.
- Stop looking at the ground so much.
sick of me
sick of anger
sick of isolation
sick of standards
sick of exhaustion
sick of so much pain
sick of unrequited love
sick of meaningless pursuit
sick of being so goddamn weak
sick of always having work to do
sick of feeling so fucking inadequate
sick of being a stupid selfish human
sick of not making any difference
sick of hypocritical humanity
sick of seeking approval
sick of not being free
sick of destruction
sick of our ways
sick of waste
sick of fear
sick of lies
sick of anger
sick of isolation
sick of standards
sick of exhaustion
sick of so much pain
sick of unrequited love
sick of meaningless pursuit
sick of being so goddamn weak
sick of always having work to do
sick of feeling so fucking inadequate
sick of being a stupid selfish human
sick of not making any difference
sick of hypocritical humanity
sick of seeking approval
sick of not being free
sick of destruction
sick of our ways
sick of waste
sick of fear
sick of lies
CONQUERED!
I am soooooo happy about that.
I am soooooo happy about that.
Half hour session with Trevor, who I love. He writes the most interesting papers, has great ideas, and a very efficient yet creative writing style. It makes me excited to write and motivated to improve my writing.
I have an appointment scheduled with him on Friday where I want to talk about my Inkwell article. I also might bring in my integration paper and/or seminar paper. It will be exciting to be on the other end of a session again.
I am exhausted though I got about 7 hours of sleep last night. It must be from the night before when I didn't sleep much at all (though what I did sleep was felt very peaceful).
Tonight I am going climbing with the guys (minus Tyler, which is a bummer), and its been an effort all day to keep my heart rate down about that because I really want to conquer Tiny Chikas. *deep breath*
I need to do some serious work before then so I shouldn't have started this blog.
-----
Words are not enough. Comfort in grief; a loss. With no reason, do we lose?
Here is a small glimpse into my Inkwell article:
How hard it is to break our paradigms; burn the walls that keep us prisoners in our minds. How hard it is to release unpredictable fire, with intent to char the chains, without too scorching the earth. And careful the smoke doesn't poison the air; and the ash, the water.
I think its gonna be good.
I have an appointment scheduled with him on Friday where I want to talk about my Inkwell article. I also might bring in my integration paper and/or seminar paper. It will be exciting to be on the other end of a session again.
I am exhausted though I got about 7 hours of sleep last night. It must be from the night before when I didn't sleep much at all (though what I did sleep was felt very peaceful).
Tonight I am going climbing with the guys (minus Tyler, which is a bummer), and its been an effort all day to keep my heart rate down about that because I really want to conquer Tiny Chikas. *deep breath*
I need to do some serious work before then so I shouldn't have started this blog.
-----
Words are not enough. Comfort in grief; a loss. With no reason, do we lose?
Here is a small glimpse into my Inkwell article:
How hard it is to break our paradigms; burn the walls that keep us prisoners in our minds. How hard it is to release unpredictable fire, with intent to char the chains, without too scorching the earth. And careful the smoke doesn't poison the air; and the ash, the water.
I think its gonna be good.
I don't think I've ever missed so many assignments at once.
On Monday I missed class and even if I had gone, I didn't have an Integration Paper written. I also didn't have the whole seminar assignment done.... fuck.
I haven't been keeping up with my tutor logs.
I've been working on the online Spanish homework for hours and now half of it is over due cause the time cutoff. And I still have a ton of pages to catch up on in my workbook, and lab manual.
I'm tired and I just want to watch that movie with the girls, and fucking cry. But I have to read a couple chapters of Conservation Refugees, and of Lost Crops. I should also do whatever work I can on my research paper, and write a damn draft of my integration paper too.
Tomorrow should be better...
I hope.
On Monday I missed class and even if I had gone, I didn't have an Integration Paper written. I also didn't have the whole seminar assignment done.... fuck.
I haven't been keeping up with my tutor logs.
I've been working on the online Spanish homework for hours and now half of it is over due cause the time cutoff. And I still have a ton of pages to catch up on in my workbook, and lab manual.
I'm tired and I just want to watch that movie with the girls, and fucking cry. But I have to read a couple chapters of Conservation Refugees, and of Lost Crops. I should also do whatever work I can on my research paper, and write a damn draft of my integration paper too.
Tomorrow should be better...
I hope.
Voy a la clase de espanol a las seis de este noche. Solomente cinco estudiantes en la clase a las seis y diez. ?Donde estan los estudiantes y la profesora? Un estudiante busca a su correo electronico. Hay un mesaje de la profesora. Ella dije hay no clase hoy. Pero Benjamin y yo escribe en espanol y debuje en la pizzara. !Benjamin es un buen artista!
Estoy alegre porque manana es miercoles. Manana, antes de clase y trabajo, quiero ir al gimnasio y escalo la pared de pierdas con Zach y Eric, o juego al futbol con la pelota de Carolyn, o patina en linea con Matt N (para solomente dos dolores!)
Voy ir a hacer la tarea espanol, y leo el libro para mi otra clase, "Conservation Refugees."
Estoy cansado tambien, pero si hago mi tarea quiero ver "Up in the Air" con mis companeros de cuarto. !La pelicula es mi amor!
!Feliz cumpleanos a mi hermano, Nathan!
Estoy alegre porque manana es miercoles. Manana, antes de clase y trabajo, quiero ir al gimnasio y escalo la pared de pierdas con Zach y Eric, o juego al futbol con la pelota de Carolyn, o patina en linea con Matt N (para solomente dos dolores!)
Voy ir a hacer la tarea espanol, y leo el libro para mi otra clase, "Conservation Refugees."
Estoy cansado tambien, pero si hago mi tarea quiero ver "Up in the Air" con mis companeros de cuarto. !La pelicula es mi amor!
!Feliz cumpleanos a mi hermano, Nathan!
Is everything in my life going to be this complicated?
Its your fucking fault for making stupid decisions.
Everyone makes stupid decisions. Humanity's existence is a stupid decision.
That wasn't a decision.
Oh... And you make exceptionally stupid mistakes.
How the hell am I suppose to know that every time I try to rectify a situation, or make life a tiny bit easier for myself it is going to turn out fucked up beyond all reason?
Use your brain.
I try. But sometimes other things are stronger than reason...
I guess you need to be stronger then.
I can try.
But seriously... can something just be simple for once?
Probably not.
"Who would fardels bare to grunt and sweat under a weary life?"
You.
And everyone else alive.
Coward.
It isn't fear.
Tis fear. Remember?
I have to go work now.
Its your fucking fault for making stupid decisions.
Everyone makes stupid decisions. Humanity's existence is a stupid decision.
That wasn't a decision.
Oh... And you make exceptionally stupid mistakes.
How the hell am I suppose to know that every time I try to rectify a situation, or make life a tiny bit easier for myself it is going to turn out fucked up beyond all reason?
Use your brain.
I try. But sometimes other things are stronger than reason...
I guess you need to be stronger then.
I can try.
But seriously... can something just be simple for once?
Probably not.
"Who would fardels bare to grunt and sweat under a weary life?"
You.
And everyone else alive.
Coward.
It isn't fear.
Tis fear. Remember?
I have to go work now.
should be happening.
its Nathan's birthday. i will call him when i wake up. :)
its Nathan's birthday. i will call him when i wake up. :)
I must have really exhausted myself this weekend cause I slept through like 5 alarms this morning and missed my first session of class. It was peer review on our integration papers and all I had done was some notes so I didn't miss much, but I kinda wanted to see what other people had written about though.
Anywho... When I realized I was missing class (heard Ari and Cari in the hall at about 10:40) I decided to check my email. Martha had replied and wanted me to come to her office at 11. Guess it was good I missed class. She was really sweet and we made the changes and printed the letters out. ALMOST DONE!
Sandy hasn't put her letter in my box yet, but hopefully she didn't forget. I have other shit to do before second session so I'm off.
Anywho... When I realized I was missing class (heard Ari and Cari in the hall at about 10:40) I decided to check my email. Martha had replied and wanted me to come to her office at 11. Guess it was good I missed class. She was really sweet and we made the changes and printed the letters out. ALMOST DONE!
Sandy hasn't put her letter in my box yet, but hopefully she didn't forget. I have other shit to do before second session so I'm off.
