how can you pretend to know whats in my heart when you blatantly ignore the truth of it that i tell you? you may not be intentional in your oversight, but you are consistent.

and perhaps it is my fault for using cryptic codes, metaphors, euphemisms.

but
"if you don't know the kind of person i am, and i don't know the kind of person you are, a pattern that others made may prevail in the world."

but when i show you, when i tell you, you don't want to accept it. i don't want to accept it. a pattern that others made. how about the pattern i have been stuck in? why not believe in that? because it is inconvenient and disturbing? yes. i wish i could deny it too. but this is who i am, and i for one won't be too surprised if it's who i'll always be. i don't feel i can change it.

(oh, how can i explain what i am saying when it seems to contradict itself?)

we always let patterns prevail; patterns we think we have no control over. *shrugs* maybe we don't have control --i certainly feel i have little sway in my condition. but maybe we do. we at least have the power to acknowledge the implications of the pattern, and what may or may not be altered in its disturbance. and to consider how best to attempt to disturb it, if in fact we end up believing we should. in that case we must try... and believe you me, i am trying. and have been.

but you cannot read this and pretend that when i smile it is whole. you know better. you, readers, should know better than most anyone else what is in my heart.

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i felt really purposeless today. prep meeting for Peru this morning. hardly paid attention. at lunch i sat outside with alicia, her friend, and ben, pierce sat down too. i was fairly detached from the convo as normal, but mostly i was sitting there wondering how alicia was doing. when i was leaving alicia walked inside with me and we started talking; a conversation we need to continue. i forgot how much i can relate to her, even though we are so different. i think she will understand how i have been feeling. seems that she has been feeling the same way.

in seminar, i almost asked my small group if they thought they were generally happy or sad. we were on the verge of type 2 with our discussion, but i decided that bringing it there in such a setting might be inappropriate or invasive.

maybe part of why i start shutting down is because i am deprived of that sort of shared energy.

i sort of fainted today after the Editing for Empowerment meeting. We were in the basement of the library today, and it was time for tutors with appointments to leave to go back to the CASL. i was sitting packing my books and got extremely dizzy, wobbled, lost motor control, blacked out and fell backward into the couch. the impact jolted my vision, but i still couldn't move for a few seconds. it was difficult to get up the stairs, and for the next hour (during my appointment) i felt like i was going to black out. i got lots of sleep last night. ate tons of food today. donno what went wrong.

off work in 45 minutes. need to study spanish and write some of my paper tonight. presentations start next week and i am trying not to panic. i feel oddly calm, though that could be a "calm before the storm type-thing," or maybe i have subconsciously already decided not to do it at all, or perhaps i have accepted that i will survive it whether or not i struggle with it or worry about it, or maybe i just don't give a shit anymore.

ok. time for some monotonous memorization in an attempt to understand the grammatical constructions of a different language (when i don't even understand my own... as was demonstrated in the EfE workshop today).