sick of being disappointed by people. should have learned by now, huh?
so earlier today I found out John Frusciante left the Chili Peppers. Donno if that's true or just speculation because of his solo career.
anyway... worse news is that the drummer from Avenged Sevenfold just died. James Sullivan. He was so fucking amazing. I'm sad for his band mates. I don't know what its like to lose someone so close like that.
I was thinking earlier, listening to the Chili Peppers, how I still associate bands (especially their lead singers) to the guys who got me interested in their music. RHCP was Nygil for sure. Nirvana was Matt. And Tony... Avenged Sevenfold (A7X) and HIM. I can't really hear Anthony Keidis' lyrics and not think of Nygil; Kurt Cobain's music automatically leads me to thoughts of Matt; and A7X will forever remind me of my relationship with Tony. I don't listen to HIM anymore. I can't. I haven't been able to since sophomore year. Occasionally I will try a song or two, but I always end up in tears. The lyrics, I guess, I had created into this ideal of love. A depressing, but dedicated belief in what love could be, but... turned out not to be. It could also be that Ville Valo's voice reminds me too much of his voice. He use to sing it to me. I use to believe it. I guess maybe by listening, I believe the meaning of the words will change to better fit my circumstances now, and perhaps I want to preserve the emotion evoked by each sound. It brings me back to this dark room, with posters covering the walls. The only light being the flickering of the stereo LCD screen. I can vividly remember the anxious feelings, the excitement of being in the room, in the arms of the person I love, and not wanting to be anywhere else, ever. I can remember the heat, and the smell, and feel.
Maybe I don't want to lose that memory. and I know that can happen...
But whatever. I guess I enjoy the connection these guys had to these bands, and the lead singers... I guess it made me believe I better understood the people I love through the lyrics of someone they admire (or at least listen to). This belief could be wrong. As Tyler has shown me, some people just listen to music because it sounds good (not saying there is anything wrong with it). But for me, my connection to Ben Gibbard is something very strong, and goes much deeper than how his songs (Death Cab, Postal Service, solo) sound. I think Nygil and Matt understand that when they listen to his lyrics, they are also very much listening to my thoughts, and... listening to words that I have scrutinized passed the needed level of understanding. But in listening, they ARE gaining an understanding of me, whether or not they know it.
To continue the idea that music can lose its memory:
Panic at the Disco. Their first album I wore out on the first trip to Mexico right after Tony and I broke up. Its a vengeful bunching of songs, and it helped fuel me through the worst of the sorrow and onto a bit of bitterness. Good or bad as that fact may be, the album felt refreshing and the trip did too. And they will always be somewhat connected. However... after the trip I continued listening to the songs, and slowly, over time, the association weakened. It is still their if I listen to the songs freshly, not anticipating parts I know well, but approaching it as though I have never heard it before. That is a hard thing to do, but if I can get there, I can remember how it felt to learn the songs, as I was doing in Mexico, and I can almost feel the humidity, and feel the bitterness, but it will never fully return.
Incubus. This is another band I started listening to frequently when Nygil and I were dating, or whatever it was we were doing. That period of my life is somewhat fuzzy, but at one point or another I was visiting Oregon, and I snuck out of Caitlin's house to meet Nygil. It might have even been the night I snuck out with no shoes and jogged through a couple inches of snow until we met on the road. Im pretty sure we ended up in his room that night, watching a video of Incubus performing at the Red Rocks. I remember the colors from the TV lighting his room; I remember wanting to be able to be closer to him than is physically possible for two humans to be. But only if I can access the songs as I heard them then, can I fully remember the rawness of the moment, and feel the truth of those feelings. Otherwise, they are almost like a dream, or something I read in a beautifully spun line of a poem.
Silversun Pickups. Grey. That was all we listened to the last three or so weeks of camp. Driving on our TOs, or hanging out in the Craft house. It should permanently remind me of Grey and that summer fling we had. But then I realized that Grey did not connect to the music the way I did. He connected to it, deeply, but... when I left camp, I began actually listening to the songs and what Brian Aubert and Nikki Monninger are saying, and what makes the music special to me, were not what Grey was telling me when he wrote the lyrics in a Camp Gram. I too am guilty of a more open interpretation of lyrics, and I do not condemn that... I support it wholeheartedly. But I guess the rift between interpretations, represents the rift between Grey and I, as individuals, at the points of our lives we are at. Nothing wrong with it. But it is interesting. And I can no longer listen to the album Swoon, and have it bring me back too far. That's unfortunate in some respects, because the one thing I promised Grey was that I would think of him when I heard these songs. Pretty ironic in light of some of the lyrics on that album...
Well, it is late. It has been quite nice to just write like this. And I am sure I could keep this up for another hour or so if I didn't have other things to do, like sleep.
Ariel and Carolyn come tomorrow.
Before that I will go hiking with Jackie, and hopefully at some point go test out my new climbing shoes which I absolutely adore.
anyway... worse news is that the drummer from Avenged Sevenfold just died. James Sullivan. He was so fucking amazing. I'm sad for his band mates. I don't know what its like to lose someone so close like that.
I was thinking earlier, listening to the Chili Peppers, how I still associate bands (especially their lead singers) to the guys who got me interested in their music. RHCP was Nygil for sure. Nirvana was Matt. And Tony... Avenged Sevenfold (A7X) and HIM. I can't really hear Anthony Keidis' lyrics and not think of Nygil; Kurt Cobain's music automatically leads me to thoughts of Matt; and A7X will forever remind me of my relationship with Tony. I don't listen to HIM anymore. I can't. I haven't been able to since sophomore year. Occasionally I will try a song or two, but I always end up in tears. The lyrics, I guess, I had created into this ideal of love. A depressing, but dedicated belief in what love could be, but... turned out not to be. It could also be that Ville Valo's voice reminds me too much of his voice. He use to sing it to me. I use to believe it. I guess maybe by listening, I believe the meaning of the words will change to better fit my circumstances now, and perhaps I want to preserve the emotion evoked by each sound. It brings me back to this dark room, with posters covering the walls. The only light being the flickering of the stereo LCD screen. I can vividly remember the anxious feelings, the excitement of being in the room, in the arms of the person I love, and not wanting to be anywhere else, ever. I can remember the heat, and the smell, and feel.
Maybe I don't want to lose that memory. and I know that can happen...
But whatever. I guess I enjoy the connection these guys had to these bands, and the lead singers... I guess it made me believe I better understood the people I love through the lyrics of someone they admire (or at least listen to). This belief could be wrong. As Tyler has shown me, some people just listen to music because it sounds good (not saying there is anything wrong with it). But for me, my connection to Ben Gibbard is something very strong, and goes much deeper than how his songs (Death Cab, Postal Service, solo) sound. I think Nygil and Matt understand that when they listen to his lyrics, they are also very much listening to my thoughts, and... listening to words that I have scrutinized passed the needed level of understanding. But in listening, they ARE gaining an understanding of me, whether or not they know it.
To continue the idea that music can lose its memory:
Panic at the Disco. Their first album I wore out on the first trip to Mexico right after Tony and I broke up. Its a vengeful bunching of songs, and it helped fuel me through the worst of the sorrow and onto a bit of bitterness. Good or bad as that fact may be, the album felt refreshing and the trip did too. And they will always be somewhat connected. However... after the trip I continued listening to the songs, and slowly, over time, the association weakened. It is still their if I listen to the songs freshly, not anticipating parts I know well, but approaching it as though I have never heard it before. That is a hard thing to do, but if I can get there, I can remember how it felt to learn the songs, as I was doing in Mexico, and I can almost feel the humidity, and feel the bitterness, but it will never fully return.
Incubus. This is another band I started listening to frequently when Nygil and I were dating, or whatever it was we were doing. That period of my life is somewhat fuzzy, but at one point or another I was visiting Oregon, and I snuck out of Caitlin's house to meet Nygil. It might have even been the night I snuck out with no shoes and jogged through a couple inches of snow until we met on the road. Im pretty sure we ended up in his room that night, watching a video of Incubus performing at the Red Rocks. I remember the colors from the TV lighting his room; I remember wanting to be able to be closer to him than is physically possible for two humans to be. But only if I can access the songs as I heard them then, can I fully remember the rawness of the moment, and feel the truth of those feelings. Otherwise, they are almost like a dream, or something I read in a beautifully spun line of a poem.
Silversun Pickups. Grey. That was all we listened to the last three or so weeks of camp. Driving on our TOs, or hanging out in the Craft house. It should permanently remind me of Grey and that summer fling we had. But then I realized that Grey did not connect to the music the way I did. He connected to it, deeply, but... when I left camp, I began actually listening to the songs and what Brian Aubert and Nikki Monninger are saying, and what makes the music special to me, were not what Grey was telling me when he wrote the lyrics in a Camp Gram. I too am guilty of a more open interpretation of lyrics, and I do not condemn that... I support it wholeheartedly. But I guess the rift between interpretations, represents the rift between Grey and I, as individuals, at the points of our lives we are at. Nothing wrong with it. But it is interesting. And I can no longer listen to the album Swoon, and have it bring me back too far. That's unfortunate in some respects, because the one thing I promised Grey was that I would think of him when I heard these songs. Pretty ironic in light of some of the lyrics on that album...
Well, it is late. It has been quite nice to just write like this. And I am sure I could keep this up for another hour or so if I didn't have other things to do, like sleep.
Ariel and Carolyn come tomorrow.
Before that I will go hiking with Jackie, and hopefully at some point go test out my new climbing shoes which I absolutely adore.
today:
filling out camp applications
buying books for next quarter
climbing with Jackie
dinner with family
the rest of this week:
doctor (shots)
eye doctor (contacts)
climbing gym :D
CAROLYN & ARIEL
more Avatar!
relaxing and reading Eclipse, Lacuna, and The Road (when I buy it for my Kindle!)
sailing
New Years
back to Evergreen ^_^
filling out camp applications
buying books for next quarter
climbing with Jackie
dinner with family
the rest of this week:
doctor (shots)
eye doctor (contacts)
climbing gym :D
CAROLYN & ARIEL
more Avatar!
relaxing and reading Eclipse, Lacuna, and The Road (when I buy it for my Kindle!)
sailing
New Years
back to Evergreen ^_^
broke boundaries.
LOVED IT.
LOVED IT.
someone needs to rein me in right now. im going crazy. im just a wreck inside my mind. i feel anxious and exhausted, lonely, stressed to the max, angry. there is no reason for any of this. i just want to sleep until i feel better. i just stay in my room all day.
yesterday was the best day in a long time.
today sucks. nothing feels good. im just crying for no reason.
yesterday was the best day in a long time.
today sucks. nothing feels good. im just crying for no reason.
"what i was isn't what i am. i'd change back, but i don't know if i can. still i'll try, try again. baby i die every night, every time.
...but i was made the way i am. i'm not a stone, i'm just a man."
i am going climbing tomorrow, no matter how i feel, or how cold it is.
"you're every now and then on my mind..."
I FUCKING LOVE YOU, GLEN HANSARD
ok, yup. i am gonna go have a love affair with his music, and possibly try to sleep.
...but i was made the way i am. i'm not a stone, i'm just a man."
i am going climbing tomorrow, no matter how i feel, or how cold it is.
"you're every now and then on my mind..."
I FUCKING LOVE YOU, GLEN HANSARD
ok, yup. i am gonna go have a love affair with his music, and possibly try to sleep.
"i walked across an empty land; i knew the pathway like the back of my hand. I felt the earth beneath my feet; sat by the river and it made me complete."
i want to scream. i don't even know why. i don't really even have many words for tonight.
i feel i am letting myself be coerced out of my resolution.
"and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied ore with a pale cast of thought."
maybe its not other things or people that are pulling me away from my convictions. maybe its my over-thinking. after all, the line before that is "thus conscience does make cowards of us all."
yea. dont have much else for tonight.
other forms of expression, besides words?
*sigh*
i want to scream. i don't even know why. i don't really even have many words for tonight.
i feel i am letting myself be coerced out of my resolution.
"and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied ore with a pale cast of thought."
maybe its not other things or people that are pulling me away from my convictions. maybe its my over-thinking. after all, the line before that is "thus conscience does make cowards of us all."
yea. dont have much else for tonight.
other forms of expression, besides words?
*sigh*
"im outside, and i've been waiting for the sun. with my wide eyes, i've seen worlds that don't belong. my mouth is dry, with words I cannot verbalize. tell me why we live like this."
"cut the bonds with the moon."
"oh crystal ball, crystal ball, save us all; tell me life is beautiful."
"cut the bonds with the moon."
"oh crystal ball, crystal ball, save us all; tell me life is beautiful."
...unless I was bed-ridden for part of it.
I always get sick over break...and dammit, I was so determined t spend all afternoon at the rock wall today, no matter how cold it was. Its 3 now, so even if I miraculously feel good enough to move anytime soon, the sky will be dark in an hour or so. I could ride my bike to the park to climb, but wouldn't have much time to make any significant progress.
meh. passing out now...
I always get sick over break...and dammit, I was so determined t spend all afternoon at the rock wall today, no matter how cold it was. Its 3 now, so even if I miraculously feel good enough to move anytime soon, the sky will be dark in an hour or so. I could ride my bike to the park to climb, but wouldn't have much time to make any significant progress.
meh. passing out now...
its truly amazing how much more powerful hate can be, when it is directed at someone you love. and even through this genuine and immense hatred, you don't want to hurt them with it.
I REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU. And I hate how many years and how much energy I have put into you. And I have to accept that you are never going to appreciate me, and the good I have been in your life... never enough to feel guilt for how you've hurt me.
No. Only when you want something, are you willing to express guilt; willing to feel sorry for something or someone.
Well, I am sorry. I'm fucking sorry that for whatever reason, I am not good enough, and never have been. Maybe all the influence I have been in your life has been negative. Maybe I'm the reason you make such shitty choices now. Maybe I destroyed you, and us, and everything.
But I don't think so. I think I just deserve better than this.
it was good to vent.
I REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU. And I hate how many years and how much energy I have put into you. And I have to accept that you are never going to appreciate me, and the good I have been in your life... never enough to feel guilt for how you've hurt me.
No. Only when you want something, are you willing to express guilt; willing to feel sorry for something or someone.
Well, I am sorry. I'm fucking sorry that for whatever reason, I am not good enough, and never have been. Maybe all the influence I have been in your life has been negative. Maybe I'm the reason you make such shitty choices now. Maybe I destroyed you, and us, and everything.
But I don't think so. I think I just deserve better than this.
it was good to vent.
being able to pull myself up.
being able to get from the ground to another level.
getting there by myself; just the earth, and my will.
trusting the rock.
trusting balance.
trusting my grip, my judgment, my mind, myself.
...I guess I'm not just talking about climbing.
being able to get from the ground to another level.
getting there by myself; just the earth, and my will.
trusting the rock.
trusting balance.
trusting my grip, my judgment, my mind, myself.
...I guess I'm not just talking about climbing.
one day I'll fly away...
caught the clock.
300 blog posts in less than a year.
anyway, that is a side note...
i was really about to write something about being worthless. I know... well I don't know, but I believe that I am not worthless. I just feel like it, a lot. And the way some other people treat me, makes me feel like that. And I hope I don't make other people feel worthless, though I think that could actually be what I do to a lot of people. I really hope not... the last thing I want to do is make someone else feel the way that I feel so often.
But in scrambling to find something to get me through my hard times, I may be stepping on people, and putting them through worse things.
ugh.
So much is so hard right now. And this is the easy part...
anyway, that is a side note...
i was really about to write something about being worthless. I know... well I don't know, but I believe that I am not worthless. I just feel like it, a lot. And the way some other people treat me, makes me feel like that. And I hope I don't make other people feel worthless, though I think that could actually be what I do to a lot of people. I really hope not... the last thing I want to do is make someone else feel the way that I feel so often.
But in scrambling to find something to get me through my hard times, I may be stepping on people, and putting them through worse things.
ugh.
So much is so hard right now. And this is the easy part...
I hate love almost as much as I love it.
Pain. So much pain. How much pain can I possibly cause? Am I doing any good? Is anything I do good?
I am tempted to shove this down, but I know it will resurface.
I only want to do more good than I do ill.
I only want to create more than I destroy.
"Loving someone can't really hurt them." Those are my words. Do I really trust that because I believe it is true, or just because I once said it in order to reassure someone else that it was?
Pain. So much pain. How much pain can I possibly cause? Am I doing any good? Is anything I do good?
I am tempted to shove this down, but I know it will resurface.
I only want to do more good than I do ill.
I only want to create more than I destroy.
"Loving someone can't really hurt them." Those are my words. Do I really trust that because I believe it is true, or just because I once said it in order to reassure someone else that it was?
"I am in love with Montana. For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection, but with Montana it is love, and it's difficult to analyze love when you're in it." -John Steinbeck
so... last night, i was trying to sleep and i just couldnt stop laughing at myself and how ridiculous I am. ....I seriously need a girls night or something.
Tonight is the party at Ben Joselyn's house in Seattle. I don't know if I am gonna go. I would if Ariel and Carolyn were with me... but everyone there is gonna be drinking...
I really wanna see Ben and Emily, but I just don't know if I wanna put myself in that situation. What else can I do tonight??
Blech.
I have lots of stuff to get done today around the house. Laundry, and going through my shit.
Timing is off right now. I wish Dana was getting back tonight and not tomorrow. *sigh*
Ok... time to seize the day.
what's left of it, anyway
so... last night, i was trying to sleep and i just couldnt stop laughing at myself and how ridiculous I am. ....I seriously need a girls night or something.
Tonight is the party at Ben Joselyn's house in Seattle. I don't know if I am gonna go. I would if Ariel and Carolyn were with me... but everyone there is gonna be drinking...
I really wanna see Ben and Emily, but I just don't know if I wanna put myself in that situation. What else can I do tonight??
Blech.
I have lots of stuff to get done today around the house. Laundry, and going through my shit.
Timing is off right now. I wish Dana was getting back tonight and not tomorrow. *sigh*
Ok... time to seize the day.
what's left of it, anyway
ran 4 miles on a treadmill. that was... hard. i dont like being able to see the time and distance. plus, its hard to stay focused on running when there is no new scenery to distract me. i just blared some epic music and it helped motivate me.
then i went with mom to seattle. she had to go work at the hospital but she dropped me off and i just walked around downtown a bit. went to the library. found some books for my project (one of which had an article by Uncle David in it, hah. thats the one i checked out).
then i just wandered my way down to pike street. spent a minimal amount of time there. headed up to meet Amanda and Jess at Nathan's apartment where we sat around and watched Ironman and ate, and debated on the attraction of Robert Downey Jr., which i only started seeing about halfway through the movie. We decided it was in the personality... hah
when Nathan got home Amanda and he and I headed back to the Valley to celebrate Hanukkah. Driving with Nathan is one of the scariest things ever. I dont like it. I try to like it... I just really dont. So I slept on the way home, hoping the whole way that I would survive, but just not wanting to be conscious for the trip. Its just too intense. He's not a bad driver... I just think 70, as the speed limit, is too fast, and 80 is just way too fast. I don't like that, at all. But I survived. YAY!
Anyway, Hanukkah was enjoyable and we had a wonderful dinner...
Currently chatting with Ariel and Carolyn on msn, and listening to 80's music, and going through all the shit I own, trying to "lighten the load." I have a headache and probably will go to bed soon.
then i went with mom to seattle. she had to go work at the hospital but she dropped me off and i just walked around downtown a bit. went to the library. found some books for my project (one of which had an article by Uncle David in it, hah. thats the one i checked out).
then i just wandered my way down to pike street. spent a minimal amount of time there. headed up to meet Amanda and Jess at Nathan's apartment where we sat around and watched Ironman and ate, and debated on the attraction of Robert Downey Jr., which i only started seeing about halfway through the movie. We decided it was in the personality... hah
when Nathan got home Amanda and he and I headed back to the Valley to celebrate Hanukkah. Driving with Nathan is one of the scariest things ever. I dont like it. I try to like it... I just really dont. So I slept on the way home, hoping the whole way that I would survive, but just not wanting to be conscious for the trip. Its just too intense. He's not a bad driver... I just think 70, as the speed limit, is too fast, and 80 is just way too fast. I don't like that, at all. But I survived. YAY!
Anyway, Hanukkah was enjoyable and we had a wonderful dinner...
Currently chatting with Ariel and Carolyn on msn, and listening to 80's music, and going through all the shit I own, trying to "lighten the load." I have a headache and probably will go to bed soon.
"Individual Study: Media Arts, Visual Anthropology, Communications"
i say this without pessimism, or spite, or anger, but two things that have helped me lately:
-knowing that i am inherently alone, and so is everyone else, and we always will be (in that respect).
this makes me feel less alone in feeling alone, and helps me feel better.
-and knowing that i will die someday.
this motivates me to live today.
-knowing that i am inherently alone, and so is everyone else, and we always will be (in that respect).
this makes me feel less alone in feeling alone, and helps me feel better.
-and knowing that i will die someday.
this motivates me to live today.
im probably going to Seattle tomorrow. after i work out at the gym with mom. i just wanna walk around and take pictures in the city. i guess. i just don't want to be in the valley.
i don't actually care where i am, i just want to be with people or doing something that doesn't make me feel like shit. so that narrows it down to a select few people (most of whom are not currently in the valley, except maybe 2), and a select few activities (namely traveling, climbing, running, swimming, photography, and the like.)
early morning. i guess i'll sleep.
i don't actually care where i am, i just want to be with people or doing something that doesn't make me feel like shit. so that narrows it down to a select few people (most of whom are not currently in the valley, except maybe 2), and a select few activities (namely traveling, climbing, running, swimming, photography, and the like.)
early morning. i guess i'll sleep.
i dont know if i exile myself... or what. i donno. i don't get it. im always outside looking in.
"soy un perdedor"
fuck it. i dont even want to write.
i had fun climbing today. by myself. i might just like it better that way.
"soy un perdedor"
fuck it. i dont even want to write.
i had fun climbing today. by myself. i might just like it better that way.
Last night Carolyn, Emily and I watched Benjamin Button. that one kills me. Tonight Carolyn and I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I cried more tonight. I might just be a bit more emotionally susceptible than I was last night.
Carolyn's company is lovely. We miss Ariel though too.
Tomorrow I find out about Peru. Hopefully, unless they tell me its contingent on something I do next quarter. Haha, I can totally picture this: "well, you have proved yourself on all fronts except presenting in front of people. That is what your trip is contingent on, your presentation next quarter." In which case I would be screwed. I just thoroughly suck at presenting in front of people, or performing anything in front of people. I need to work things through in my head, and on paper. I can't just know what to say and be out with it... not even if I study the subject intently for 10+ weeks.
Not that its a legitimate scenario... I'm not worried about being accepted to go on the trip. ...Maybe I should be. Probably not.
I am maybe a bit worried that I won't wake up for my eval conference though. It is 2am, and I should be asleep. I just have a lot on my mind, and those movies didn't really help.
At the least I am going to lay in bed.
A lot recently I have been wondering why I still write here... Is it because people read it? Or is it because I don't feel justified or sure about anything until I work it out in writing? Is it because I enjoy it?
All of the above to a certain extent. But... I kind of want to re-evaluate that.
Reminder to self: Get a new journal. Yea, my journal is full. That's number 6, I believe.
I'm excited to climb tomorrow... hopefully it won't be crowded. I got really overwhelmed the other day at the top of the wall when I looked and saw how many people were in there. I felt claustrophobic, not to mention I was like +/-20 feet above ground (horrible judge of distance). I totally panicked and just let go, and then curled up on the mat at the bottom.
ok. sleep is good.
Carolyn's company is lovely. We miss Ariel though too.
Tomorrow I find out about Peru. Hopefully, unless they tell me its contingent on something I do next quarter. Haha, I can totally picture this: "well, you have proved yourself on all fronts except presenting in front of people. That is what your trip is contingent on, your presentation next quarter." In which case I would be screwed. I just thoroughly suck at presenting in front of people, or performing anything in front of people. I need to work things through in my head, and on paper. I can't just know what to say and be out with it... not even if I study the subject intently for 10+ weeks.
Not that its a legitimate scenario... I'm not worried about being accepted to go on the trip. ...Maybe I should be. Probably not.
I am maybe a bit worried that I won't wake up for my eval conference though. It is 2am, and I should be asleep. I just have a lot on my mind, and those movies didn't really help.
At the least I am going to lay in bed.
A lot recently I have been wondering why I still write here... Is it because people read it? Or is it because I don't feel justified or sure about anything until I work it out in writing? Is it because I enjoy it?
All of the above to a certain extent. But... I kind of want to re-evaluate that.
Reminder to self: Get a new journal. Yea, my journal is full. That's number 6, I believe.
I'm excited to climb tomorrow... hopefully it won't be crowded. I got really overwhelmed the other day at the top of the wall when I looked and saw how many people were in there. I felt claustrophobic, not to mention I was like +/-20 feet above ground (horrible judge of distance). I totally panicked and just let go, and then curled up on the mat at the bottom.
ok. sleep is good.
Matt posted this on his site. I liked it. I related to some of it. Some I related to other people, Matt included. Anyway, I wanted to remember it. So here:
"There really are things that are irreparable. I'm always wanting to tell people this. It doesn't matter who I say it to. It could be a rainy day and I'm standing on the station platform of the Keio Line, waiting for an express train that's late. Or I'm standing in line at a convenience store where a brand-new employee is slowly working the register. Either way, I see myself muttering this without thinking. Like the phrase has wormed its way into my unconscious so much that, when I'm irritated, I can't help but blurt it out.
I don't think I could blurt it out to Yuzan or Kirarin, though. They'd just say, "Hmm. You could be right," their eyes dreamily looking around for a bit, but then, as soon as the subject changed, they'd forget all about it. They'd drop it so fast I'd be left there feeling stupid and embarrassed. I'd hate that, so that's why I don't bring it up with them. It'd be like a lighthouse, where the spotlight rotates and, for an instant, illuminates something. But once the light moves on, everything melts back into the dark. They couldn't care less. Unless you actually experience something that can't be undone, you can't possibly understand it. People like that just think it's some phrase and misinterpret it. To them, it's some cheap truism.
Toshi alone might react differently. On the surface she acts all casual, but she's a sensitive person and is very intuitive. I bet she'd look me in the eye and try to tease out what I'm getting at. But not finding anything, Toshi, too, would be disappointed and turn to other things.
By "things that are irreparable," I don't mean something like Worm's killing his mother. It's not that simple. And it's not something like the guilt Yuzan has over avoiding her mother's death. It's actually the opposite. How can I put it? Once you're dead you can't come back to life - it's final. But to my way of thinking, those are also events that aren't entirely irreparable, because they are the easy way out. I mean, death is something everyone's going to experience someday, so it's an easy-to-understand ending Worm's chosen, and in that sense something close to defeat. Killing somebody is just payback motivated by all your anger, humiliation, and desires, and since it doesn't put an end to problems, it doesn't fit the category of an irreparable action. Something that's really irreparable is more like this: a horribly frightening feeling that keeps building up inside you forever until your heart is devoured. People who carry around the burden of something that can't be undone will one day be destroyed.
Are my ideas too complicated? I'm the kind of person who thinks about difficult things more than others. That's why at home and at school I'm always joking around. The reason's simple - even if I exposed the real me to other people, they wouldn't understand. Toshi might pick up a little of what's going on, but I've yet to meet a person - child or adult - who really gets me.
There's this huge gap between me and other people - a gap in ability, experience, and feelings. I'm really emotional, and bright. When I say bright I don't mean good at schoolwork. I mean I can think abstractly. Some adults might think a high school student can't do this, but they're wrong.
I feel above human relationships, so I'm constantly holding myself in check. Controlling myself like this zaps all my energy, so I gave up on studying and don't take it seriously. I figured out long ago that studying for exams is nothing more than figuring out how to work the system.
maybe it was talking to Caitlin briefly
or maybe it is listening to RHCP
but I really fucking miss Oregon and its wonderful people.
Debating... I could hop a train tomorrow and be in Eugene in no time. Its where they all are right now...
The consideration is being made. I'm starting to run out of reasons not to go, except that I miss my family. Oh, and apart from waiting around on facebook, I have no way to get ahold of Caitlin or Nygil. If you read this Nyg, gimme a call.
or maybe it is listening to RHCP
but I really fucking miss Oregon and its wonderful people.
Debating... I could hop a train tomorrow and be in Eugene in no time. Its where they all are right now...
The consideration is being made. I'm starting to run out of reasons not to go, except that I miss my family. Oh, and apart from waiting around on facebook, I have no way to get ahold of Caitlin or Nygil. If you read this Nyg, gimme a call.
i am trying an exercise in writing with my eyes closed.
my love affair with the night...
i am cold, shivering. not violently, i just have some chills going through my body. lstening to the moon.
my love affair with the night.
i dont like laying down to sleep alone. i am alone. i am alone. we are all alone. but
we can find something
someone
love.
company
we can escape our loneliness temporarily. escape with me. please. escape. but we have to return. we have to return. it is our state.
slow down. slow down. we dont need to have the answers. we just need to allowwhat we feel.
we just need to feel somethning.
cloase your eues. dont analyse what you see or what you say. just feel.
just feel.
dtip drip drop drop.
dont fight. flow. like water in the stream, it takes us places, impossible. we arent afraid of going. if we are we must relinquish that fear. we must grow bond it.
the violin.
it would be you, wouldnt it?
scream into the sky,
fuck
i dont know how to free my mind.
freeeee
i want to be free. and me, i want to be... i want to be loved. and i love
and i fear everything i dont know. i fear the dark, the emptiness that opens up when im alone. it is space, space not filled, a void of what is unknwon. unknown. do we really fear it? we ... want it. we hide from it. it drives us. if we knew we were to die tomorrow, we wouldnt do what we are doing today. ignorance.
i hate ignorance. the stigma attacched to it... i hate being ignirance of reality. i will die. i just dont knwo when. i just dont knwo where, or how. will i feel alone, or will i be with...
space, falling, falling. slip. when you slip. its a long fall, or uncertainty. uncertainty
and when you hit the ground, and you are alive, you know you are alive, and yoor consciousness of that needs to catch up with the physical reality. you hold yourself. you wish... well. you are alive. and alone. and you wish...
but it doesnt matter. somehow, it doesnt matter, and even if... it doesnt matter, because of what is based in reality, even if it is not physical reality.
dreams arent exactly what im talking about. i am talking about... the stars. the stars are the same every night... they are different every second. they are there all the time. we cant see them all the time. the sun. the light "doesnt blind you at all, it just helps you see" but what about the sun? it IS a star. it just helps you see. anyway, it is always there, they are always there. you just cant always see them. and love and presence and emotion and desire and
well. well, people are afraid of what is under the water. people are afraid because they cant see it, they dont know. but would knowing be any better? if we saw the shark face to face, would that be any better? maybe not seeing is okay. maybe... on some level. maybe these are stupud metaphores that have no solidity in actuality. but i am typing with my eyes closed and so maybe i dont even really know what i am saying. maybe i am just typing for the sake of experimenting in this form of thought and all my thoughts in this state are completely obscure... whatever, that is how it is always is. and there is no wrong or right. so fuck you
listening to the stars. wars with the night. waiting for the day. the day. i will see....
like i said, those days are the best days. no matter how unnerving, how painful. you...
darkness. "my spirits seem to go down with the sun." i dont know about that... i dont know. fuck, can we just establish that i dont know anything. as if that needs to be established, no one knows anything... fuck, i dont know that. what a fucking idiot i can be.
i wish i could be...
i wish i could write something worthy of..
i wish i could finish my thoughts without being worried who would see them, maybe i wont post this. maybe i just wont.
oh the good life. the slow life. the simple life. the ___ life.
"so much hate for the one's we love"
god, spite is terrible. its pretty much the same thing as love. hahahahaha in so many ways i find that to be true.
"rock me mama like the wind and the rain, rock me mama like a southbound train. heeeyyy mama rock me"
travel plans. i dont know where we are going, but i think we might just end up going there together. it would make things make sense. not that things ever need to make sense, but maybe they do need every once in a while, or maybe alot. i just know we can be alone and still be going in the same direction. if thats okay with you.. and even if its not...
we will be.
rain/ rain falling on
the snow falling on the ground
"you must have known the storm was comin.."
the same direction. the same
direction is so ...
i can be lost in the woods and am i really lost? amd i lost if i dont know my direction, if i jsut wander aimlessly like we do through life. but if we just find some direction, surely we will find some people to take the journey with, at least until the next fork.
fork. food
forks. vampires (thats what it just said in my song "you let the vampires in"... good timing). if i was running, i would be preparing to sprint, cause this is almost the sprinting part of the song... and god danm it is so epic. i love. why havent i been running?
i think ia m about done with this freewrite. it hurts my eyse to keep them closed with the light from the screen on them. (,,, you could turn off the screen) true.
well i am tired, i should go to sleep. it will feel good, and the day tomorrow/later today is important. i feel it.
so i wait for my sun. i wait for my moon. i wait for my stars.
but i must not forget, they are always here,
or at least, they are always there.
my love affair with the night...
i am cold, shivering. not violently, i just have some chills going through my body. lstening to the moon.
my love affair with the night.
i dont like laying down to sleep alone. i am alone. i am alone. we are all alone. but
we can find something
someone
love.
company
we can escape our loneliness temporarily. escape with me. please. escape. but we have to return. we have to return. it is our state.
slow down. slow down. we dont need to have the answers. we just need to allowwhat we feel.
we just need to feel somethning.
cloase your eues. dont analyse what you see or what you say. just feel.
just feel.
dtip drip drop drop.
dont fight. flow. like water in the stream, it takes us places, impossible. we arent afraid of going. if we are we must relinquish that fear. we must grow bond it.
the violin.
it would be you, wouldnt it?
scream into the sky,
fuck
i dont know how to free my mind.
freeeee
i want to be free. and me, i want to be... i want to be loved. and i love
and i fear everything i dont know. i fear the dark, the emptiness that opens up when im alone. it is space, space not filled, a void of what is unknwon. unknown. do we really fear it? we ... want it. we hide from it. it drives us. if we knew we were to die tomorrow, we wouldnt do what we are doing today. ignorance.
i hate ignorance. the stigma attacched to it... i hate being ignirance of reality. i will die. i just dont knwo when. i just dont knwo where, or how. will i feel alone, or will i be with...
space, falling, falling. slip. when you slip. its a long fall, or uncertainty. uncertainty
and when you hit the ground, and you are alive, you know you are alive, and yoor consciousness of that needs to catch up with the physical reality. you hold yourself. you wish... well. you are alive. and alone. and you wish...
but it doesnt matter. somehow, it doesnt matter, and even if... it doesnt matter, because of what is based in reality, even if it is not physical reality.
dreams arent exactly what im talking about. i am talking about... the stars. the stars are the same every night... they are different every second. they are there all the time. we cant see them all the time. the sun. the light "doesnt blind you at all, it just helps you see" but what about the sun? it IS a star. it just helps you see. anyway, it is always there, they are always there. you just cant always see them. and love and presence and emotion and desire and
well. well, people are afraid of what is under the water. people are afraid because they cant see it, they dont know. but would knowing be any better? if we saw the shark face to face, would that be any better? maybe not seeing is okay. maybe... on some level. maybe these are stupud metaphores that have no solidity in actuality. but i am typing with my eyes closed and so maybe i dont even really know what i am saying. maybe i am just typing for the sake of experimenting in this form of thought and all my thoughts in this state are completely obscure... whatever, that is how it is always is. and there is no wrong or right. so fuck you
listening to the stars. wars with the night. waiting for the day. the day. i will see....
like i said, those days are the best days. no matter how unnerving, how painful. you...
darkness. "my spirits seem to go down with the sun." i dont know about that... i dont know. fuck, can we just establish that i dont know anything. as if that needs to be established, no one knows anything... fuck, i dont know that. what a fucking idiot i can be.
i wish i could be...
i wish i could write something worthy of..
i wish i could finish my thoughts without being worried who would see them, maybe i wont post this. maybe i just wont.
oh the good life. the slow life. the simple life. the ___ life.
"so much hate for the one's we love"
god, spite is terrible. its pretty much the same thing as love. hahahahaha in so many ways i find that to be true.
"rock me mama like the wind and the rain, rock me mama like a southbound train. heeeyyy mama rock me"
travel plans. i dont know where we are going, but i think we might just end up going there together. it would make things make sense. not that things ever need to make sense, but maybe they do need every once in a while, or maybe alot. i just know we can be alone and still be going in the same direction. if thats okay with you.. and even if its not...
we will be.
rain/ rain falling on
the snow falling on the ground
"you must have known the storm was comin.."
the same direction. the same
direction is so ...
i can be lost in the woods and am i really lost? amd i lost if i dont know my direction, if i jsut wander aimlessly like we do through life. but if we just find some direction, surely we will find some people to take the journey with, at least until the next fork.
fork. food
forks. vampires (thats what it just said in my song "you let the vampires in"... good timing). if i was running, i would be preparing to sprint, cause this is almost the sprinting part of the song... and god danm it is so epic. i love. why havent i been running?
i think ia m about done with this freewrite. it hurts my eyse to keep them closed with the light from the screen on them. (,,, you could turn off the screen) true.
well i am tired, i should go to sleep. it will feel good, and the day tomorrow/later today is important. i feel it.
so i wait for my sun. i wait for my moon. i wait for my stars.
but i must not forget, they are always here,
or at least, they are always there.
so today was normal, and i mean normal in the sense that i felt normal... not sad, or all too confused. not overly happy. just... ya know, fine.
I don't really like fine, but its a nice break from insane, ya know?
anywhoo. it is nice to have very little obligation and responsibility. I spent 3 and half hours in the climbing gym today. and then i took a shower, relaxed, took and upload pictures, ate some food, helped Becca with her essay, and we are gonna watch Benjamin Button or something later; Carolyn, Emily, and I.
ftw.
so.. i feel fine. but i kinda feel a little bit... heartbroken. hahahahahah. i mean, yea, but no. but yea.
oh wow.
I'm enjoying my new camera. ^_^
Oh, and i finally got that whole quote off the stairwell:
"From the nothing, the begetting: From the nothing, the increase: From the nothing, the abundance: the power of increasing the living breath: It dwelt within the empty space. It produced the firmament which is above us."
-Maori
It just reminds me of what can be created out of seemingly nothing. I guess I didn't write about there here. I wrote it in my tutoring philosophy. I might post that, as it is now, on here sometime.
oh, and I got a new hat. actually it is a harf scat. cause its also a scarf. haha.
movie time.
peace.
I don't really like fine, but its a nice break from insane, ya know?
anywhoo. it is nice to have very little obligation and responsibility. I spent 3 and half hours in the climbing gym today. and then i took a shower, relaxed, took and upload pictures, ate some food, helped Becca with her essay, and we are gonna watch Benjamin Button or something later; Carolyn, Emily, and I.
ftw.
so.. i feel fine. but i kinda feel a little bit... heartbroken. hahahahahah. i mean, yea, but no. but yea.
oh wow.
I'm enjoying my new camera. ^_^
Oh, and i finally got that whole quote off the stairwell:
"From the nothing, the begetting: From the nothing, the increase: From the nothing, the abundance: the power of increasing the living breath: It dwelt within the empty space. It produced the firmament which is above us."
-Maori
It just reminds me of what can be created out of seemingly nothing. I guess I didn't write about there here. I wrote it in my tutoring philosophy. I might post that, as it is now, on here sometime.
oh, and I got a new hat. actually it is a harf scat. cause its also a scarf. haha.
movie time.
peace.
The title of the last post got me thinking about something. I am just going to write a reminder for myself here. This is likely meaningless to you, so don't worry about it.
i like the number 1 (power)
i like the number 2 (possibility)
i like the number 3 (dynamics)
i like the number 4 (balance)
i like the number 5 (middle)
i like the number 1 (power)
i like the number 2 (possibility)
i like the number 3 (dynamics)
i like the number 4 (balance)
i like the number 5 (middle)
"there is an Indian proverb that says that everyone is a house with four rooms, a physical, an emotional, a mental, and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person."
this was Blair's status today. I want to think about it, and practice it, and see where that takes me.
I have a whole lot on my mind right now (when do I not?) But anyway, tonight my family, along with Dane, Jess and Amanda all went to see Invictus tonight, which was a good movie. Not... amazing, as movies go. But the story is amazing, and the story is real, so that is the best part. We went to PF Changs after the movie. I enjoyed that enough. It was good to be with family, and not really have anything pressing to worry about. That doesnt mean there was nothing on my mind, or that I even felt that good. I didnt really. But... it was better than being in my dorm room, or anywhere else really.
Anyway, now I am helping Becca out with her final paper. Its a bit complicated but it relates a lot to Andean Roots, so I am really able to quickly understand the complexity of an issue I know almost nothing about. Its really good that I am learning about it though. I bet I could use it for a presentation in Spanish class next quarter. Either way, it is keeping my mind off things. And it isnt too stressful, because I don't actually have to write the paper, I just get to do the fun research and learning part.
My back is absolutely screaming at me today. I can hardly move my arms. I can't believe only a couple hours of climbing can make me feel this way. I am glad to go back and be on campus a few more days so I have time to get plenty of climbing in before the break. I plan to climb in North Bend later too, but that will be in very short increments of time, because its so fucking cold. Also, over break, I want to go to the gym with mom a whole ton. I don't want to be lazy. Like the quote says... I want to keep all aspects of my life going, so that I am really living each day.
I guess that's one of the things on my mind: death. How fragile I am. We all are.
I don't want to die, but I could, any day. Not that this is a new realization, but for some reason it has been more upfront in my mind lately. And when I was reading that cool book "Do it," it told me to look at myself in the mirror every morning and smile and tell myself "You will die." Why not? Its true. I will die. And its good to remember, so I remember to live while I'm alive. So I wrote it on my mirror, in my dorm room, and in the bathroom.
Each day I will remember how temporary all of this is...
Anyway. I am tired. Its almost 2am, and I need to go through these articles for Becca and outline how she can use them.
Oh fuck, I forgot my mouth guard on campus. :/
did I mention that I love life? haha, I am so fucking confused about everything. I feel miserable so much of the time. I feel spiteful of myself and other people so often.
I hate so much,
but remember: hate is generally a product of intense love.
...I have an awful lot of love.
i've had "you're what you own" stuck in my head all day.
i could write a blog about it... but that's not necessary right now. i am going to bed soon anyway.
but i went and saw Ninja Assassin tonight with Zach, Tyler, Eric, and Daniel. and... that was an experience.
we also went climbing today. it was the first time ive worked out in a while, but it was good. i stayed there about a half hour longer than them, and some other guys were in there briefly so then i had the place to myself. that was good. i played Swell Season, which... *nods* yea... that is good climbing music for me. and i worked on routes that really tested my arms, and i just pushed myself really hard.
i had only eaten donut holes and an orange/tangerine or whatever. i should have grabbed a luna bar, but anyway... so i was pretty weak all day, luckily i had stashed another orange in my bag, so i ate that in the gym which helped a little.
but yea... im tired. im going home in the morning, just for tomorrow night (tonight, technically). then i'll be back on campus for evals and climbing for a few more days.
*sigh*
ok. well... off to bed.
i could write a blog about it... but that's not necessary right now. i am going to bed soon anyway.
but i went and saw Ninja Assassin tonight with Zach, Tyler, Eric, and Daniel. and... that was an experience.
we also went climbing today. it was the first time ive worked out in a while, but it was good. i stayed there about a half hour longer than them, and some other guys were in there briefly so then i had the place to myself. that was good. i played Swell Season, which... *nods* yea... that is good climbing music for me. and i worked on routes that really tested my arms, and i just pushed myself really hard.
i had only eaten donut holes and an orange/tangerine or whatever. i should have grabbed a luna bar, but anyway... so i was pretty weak all day, luckily i had stashed another orange in my bag, so i ate that in the gym which helped a little.
but yea... im tired. im going home in the morning, just for tomorrow night (tonight, technically). then i'll be back on campus for evals and climbing for a few more days.
*sigh*
ok. well... off to bed.
...insane.
oh, mind, don't do this to me tonight. just let it be
please
please
don't mess this up.
oh, mind, don't do this to me tonight. just let it be
please
please
don't mess this up.
from nothing: the increase.
so tonight i still have to
write a self eval:
i fucking suck at everything,
except destroying myself
and everyone else.
how about that?
write a self eval:
i fucking suck at everything,
except destroying myself
and everyone else.
how about that?
now i remember why that quote was important.
"Elation and depression, love and doubt, pride and self-loathing, the fickle heart can be a weapon and shield."
This was someone's status tonight.
I don't really have any strong attachment to it, except felt familiar in terms of things I've felt recently.
why does campus housing think they can just turn off the heat?
fuck.
I'm not gonna be able to type long because my fingers will freeze off.
I still need to do CV 2 evaluation tonight. Meh, should be fairly simple, mainly because I'm gonna write it more for me than any professional audience. it may end up sounding "good enough" anyway, but...
so, i just rewrote some of my tutoring philosophy because that is due with my portfolio tomorrow too. its pretty good. not everything i hoped for but I'm just not in a hurry to perfect it. its going to evolve more next quarter anyway, assuming i get the job (and probably even if i don't).
oh, and i need to do my week 10 written reflection.
i think after i finish my work. it'd be nice to watch a movie tonight, with the right company. buuuut, thats just... silly.
fuck.
I'm not gonna be able to type long because my fingers will freeze off.
I still need to do CV 2 evaluation tonight. Meh, should be fairly simple, mainly because I'm gonna write it more for me than any professional audience. it may end up sounding "good enough" anyway, but...
so, i just rewrote some of my tutoring philosophy because that is due with my portfolio tomorrow too. its pretty good. not everything i hoped for but I'm just not in a hurry to perfect it. its going to evolve more next quarter anyway, assuming i get the job (and probably even if i don't).
oh, and i need to do my week 10 written reflection.
i think after i finish my work. it'd be nice to watch a movie tonight, with the right company. buuuut, thats just... silly.
see, I've felt pretty alright for the past couple of days. I mean... significantly less hopeless than I was a couple weeks ago. So that's... something.
I was confused for a little bit this weekend, but I think I regained my bearings a little on that subject.
But I seem to have come to a state in which... I am too afraid to expect anything from anything, and so I don't really have something to look forward to, because its all so random and unpredictable. And I'm guarded right now... to a certain extent. On the other hand, it kinda just frees me of any real commitment, and I can be fairly uninhibited about ...
see, but that leads me to this state of almost uncaring. and i start saying mean things, and stop working out, and
like today, at lunch, alicia had two of her classmates sit with us, and i didnt even introduce myself. i mean, we were kinda all engaged in some sort of interaction. i thought about shaking their hands, asking what thier names were... but i guess i didnt care enough. i just sat there eating really shitty food and tried to talk to alicia a little bit.
the other day was good. what day was that? oh, monday. i didnt have class and i hadnt slept all night. i just had to turn in my paper. and then work for 4 hours. that night was when i last blogged.
i donno, that day was distinctive because everything felt sorta dreamlike. but work was... yea, interesting... just hard cause i was so tired.
but afterward i went and hung out with zach and eric for a bit, which i think needed, in a very real sense of the word.
the day was also distinctive because of visiting the art annex, which ive never been to before, but is a really cool place to explore and look around.
ariel and carolyn and i walked up there to visit tyler who was staying up all night on his project. then we walked around campus, looking at the gorgous moon, and doing a little bit of unorthodox star-tripping.
anyway
i dont really care to write much of anything else right now.
i dont feel good. im tired, and im just generally in a bad mood for whatever fuckin reason. i guess i just didnt get enough sleep last night. not to mention, carolyn and ariel are leaving tonight, and i won't see ari until after christmas which fuckin breaks my heart. hopefully carolyn will be back on campus for a bit next week. other than that... i am stuck with guys. and maybe some alicia (brian might visit next week too).
oh, and im supposed to go home this weekend for a couple nights of hanukkah, which is cool cause i like being home, but dont really wanna go back and forth... so thats kinda annoying.
meh. when i get back, there wont be much to do. i have an eval conference monday, and one wednesday too. and another one in there somewhere for spanish. on monday is the "interview" for an actual position at the writing center. wednesday i find out if i go to Peru. but other than those meetings, im gonna have nothing. lots of climbing, and hopefully some running (indoors, my hands cant take this weather), and maybe some raquetball if the guys are up for it.
but no dance parties, no girly movie nights, or rockband all nighters, guilt-free because there is no homework or class left...
thats what i was looking forward too.
meh.
i am off to my last andean roots class meeting for the quarter. its basically just a tea and cookie party. hope its enjoyable enough.
I was confused for a little bit this weekend, but I think I regained my bearings a little on that subject.
But I seem to have come to a state in which... I am too afraid to expect anything from anything, and so I don't really have something to look forward to, because its all so random and unpredictable. And I'm guarded right now... to a certain extent. On the other hand, it kinda just frees me of any real commitment, and I can be fairly uninhibited about ...
see, but that leads me to this state of almost uncaring. and i start saying mean things, and stop working out, and
like today, at lunch, alicia had two of her classmates sit with us, and i didnt even introduce myself. i mean, we were kinda all engaged in some sort of interaction. i thought about shaking their hands, asking what thier names were... but i guess i didnt care enough. i just sat there eating really shitty food and tried to talk to alicia a little bit.
the other day was good. what day was that? oh, monday. i didnt have class and i hadnt slept all night. i just had to turn in my paper. and then work for 4 hours. that night was when i last blogged.
i donno, that day was distinctive because everything felt sorta dreamlike. but work was... yea, interesting... just hard cause i was so tired.
but afterward i went and hung out with zach and eric for a bit, which i think needed, in a very real sense of the word.
the day was also distinctive because of visiting the art annex, which ive never been to before, but is a really cool place to explore and look around.
ariel and carolyn and i walked up there to visit tyler who was staying up all night on his project. then we walked around campus, looking at the gorgous moon, and doing a little bit of unorthodox star-tripping.
anyway
i dont really care to write much of anything else right now.
i dont feel good. im tired, and im just generally in a bad mood for whatever fuckin reason. i guess i just didnt get enough sleep last night. not to mention, carolyn and ariel are leaving tonight, and i won't see ari until after christmas which fuckin breaks my heart. hopefully carolyn will be back on campus for a bit next week. other than that... i am stuck with guys. and maybe some alicia (brian might visit next week too).
oh, and im supposed to go home this weekend for a couple nights of hanukkah, which is cool cause i like being home, but dont really wanna go back and forth... so thats kinda annoying.
meh. when i get back, there wont be much to do. i have an eval conference monday, and one wednesday too. and another one in there somewhere for spanish. on monday is the "interview" for an actual position at the writing center. wednesday i find out if i go to Peru. but other than those meetings, im gonna have nothing. lots of climbing, and hopefully some running (indoors, my hands cant take this weather), and maybe some raquetball if the guys are up for it.
but no dance parties, no girly movie nights, or rockband all nighters, guilt-free because there is no homework or class left...
thats what i was looking forward too.
meh.
i am off to my last andean roots class meeting for the quarter. its basically just a tea and cookie party. hope its enjoyable enough.
friends
massages
meaningless accomplishment
celebratory dance parties
5 minute convos with random people
Evergreen faculty
burritos (guacamole)
timing
showers
listening to you
the night sky
regaining feeling in freezing hands
20 minute power naps
the Evergreen campus
exploration
the sun
the moon
sparkling grass
star tripping (backwards)
unhinged states of mind
Apples to Apples
the Writing Center
llamas
Youtube
whimsical-ness
travel
on and on and on.
and sleep.
time for sleep.
massages
meaningless accomplishment
celebratory dance parties
5 minute convos with random people
Evergreen faculty
burritos (guacamole)
timing
showers
listening to you
the night sky
regaining feeling in freezing hands
20 minute power naps
the Evergreen campus
exploration
the sun
the moon
sparkling grass
star tripping (backwards)
unhinged states of mind
Apples to Apples
the Writing Center
llamas
Youtube
whimsical-ness
travel
on and on and on.
and sleep.
time for sleep.
i am literally the most ridiculous person ever.
and im still awake.
are you kidding me?
ahhhhhhh
i seriously still have 1.5 hours left of work.
interrupting the Apples to Apples party, I was strewn into 3 backtoback sessions, all of which were fairly grueling.
i'm kinda stoked on free pancakes at the HCC tonight at 10.
but i will probably be asleep.
or not.
fuck.
something was supposed to happen tonight...
but, i should rest, and try to give my mind a break.
but... when am i gonna have another chance?
BLAAH
fuck sleep.
ya know? i kinda feel a little zombie-ish.
are you kidding me?
ahhhhhhh
i seriously still have 1.5 hours left of work.
interrupting the Apples to Apples party, I was strewn into 3 backtoback sessions, all of which were fairly grueling.
i'm kinda stoked on free pancakes at the HCC tonight at 10.
but i will probably be asleep.
or not.
fuck.
something was supposed to happen tonight...
but, i should rest, and try to give my mind a break.
but... when am i gonna have another chance?
BLAAH
fuck sleep.
ya know? i kinda feel a little zombie-ish.
"Jim is my enemy, but it turns out Jim is also his own worst enemy, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so Jim is actually my friend.
...But
because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually Jim is my enemy.
...But..."
...But
because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually Jim is my enemy.
...But..."
whoa.
that seriously sucked.
I'm pretty sure I just spent almost 24 hours on my take-home final papers.
Fuck that.
Really.. FUCK THAT.
And I need to do a read through before I print them out because I serious don't even know if I sound coherent in the second one.
You know how in my last post I said something about appreciating interacting forces? Yea, well I totally do, but let me tell you, I am fucking sick of integrating/synthesizing information. By the end of this week, I think I will have had enough of that for a very long time.
Unfortunately I still have my in-class final, 3 evals to write, and a reconstruction/expansion of my tutoring philosophy. oh please, tell me that is all!
thank god all 3 of those things have a heavy emphasis on integration!
fuck.
meh, I'm probably just pissy cause I didn't sleep a wink. It was kinda cool to watch the sunrise though, or at least see the sunlight slowly break away the night through my blinds. Its too fucking cold to have my blinds open.
soooo, about those read throughs? I honestly dont know if i can stomach re-visiting those papers. I mean, I think i could write those papers for eternity and they would still never be able to fully convey all the connections and thoughts and everything i wanted them to. unfortunatly, i dont even think either of them was up to my usual standard of essay writing. blech. well. they are due in three hours... i doubt i could sleep for fear of sleeping through my alarm.
Im gonna go shower. then do my re-read dealio.
and then bundle up in about 60 layers and trek up to turn them in.
then sleep?
maybe.
i have work from 4-8.
actually, 5-8.
I am blocked out from 4-5 for a game of Apples to Apples with all the rest of the Writing Center tutors. That starts at 3, and I've been looking forward to that, so it goes above sleep on the list of priorities.
aannnd. tonight, movie after class (o un conversacion), but either way i aint doin no more work today!! and i am going to bed early.
and tomorrow, sleep in til work at 11. work til 3. probably not run, unless my throat and body feel about 500x better than they do right now. plus, i need to study. study study study for my fuckin in-class final on wednesday. guuuurossssssss.
haha. THEN porfolios are due on thursday, which means i need to write a better draft of my self-eval and make sure i have all my documents in my binder/organized. skdjahgnfna;
and friday, my cultivating voice portfolio is due, meaning i need to write my tutoring philosophy by then!
over the weekend, I will have my two other evals to pump out. and then 3 eval conferences next week.
and then FINALLY!!! FREEEEDOM!
buut.. thats a long way away.
so for now...
i just need to survive today.
(and more than survive... i want to enjoy... so wish me luck on that)
that seriously sucked.
I'm pretty sure I just spent almost 24 hours on my take-home final papers.
Fuck that.
Really.. FUCK THAT.
And I need to do a read through before I print them out because I serious don't even know if I sound coherent in the second one.
You know how in my last post I said something about appreciating interacting forces? Yea, well I totally do, but let me tell you, I am fucking sick of integrating/synthesizing information. By the end of this week, I think I will have had enough of that for a very long time.
Unfortunately I still have my in-class final, 3 evals to write, and a reconstruction/expansion of my tutoring philosophy. oh please, tell me that is all!
thank god all 3 of those things have a heavy emphasis on integration!
fuck.
meh, I'm probably just pissy cause I didn't sleep a wink. It was kinda cool to watch the sunrise though, or at least see the sunlight slowly break away the night through my blinds. Its too fucking cold to have my blinds open.
soooo, about those read throughs? I honestly dont know if i can stomach re-visiting those papers. I mean, I think i could write those papers for eternity and they would still never be able to fully convey all the connections and thoughts and everything i wanted them to. unfortunatly, i dont even think either of them was up to my usual standard of essay writing. blech. well. they are due in three hours... i doubt i could sleep for fear of sleeping through my alarm.
Im gonna go shower. then do my re-read dealio.
and then bundle up in about 60 layers and trek up to turn them in.
then sleep?
maybe.
i have work from 4-8.
actually, 5-8.
I am blocked out from 4-5 for a game of Apples to Apples with all the rest of the Writing Center tutors. That starts at 3, and I've been looking forward to that, so it goes above sleep on the list of priorities.
aannnd. tonight, movie after class (o un conversacion), but either way i aint doin no more work today!! and i am going to bed early.
and tomorrow, sleep in til work at 11. work til 3. probably not run, unless my throat and body feel about 500x better than they do right now. plus, i need to study. study study study for my fuckin in-class final on wednesday. guuuurossssssss.
haha. THEN porfolios are due on thursday, which means i need to write a better draft of my self-eval and make sure i have all my documents in my binder/organized. skdjahgnfna;
and friday, my cultivating voice portfolio is due, meaning i need to write my tutoring philosophy by then!
over the weekend, I will have my two other evals to pump out. and then 3 eval conferences next week.
and then FINALLY!!! FREEEEDOM!
buut.. thats a long way away.
so for now...
i just need to survive today.
(and more than survive... i want to enjoy... so wish me luck on that)
See, even now I am having conversations with myself. That is what writing often is for me though... a conversation with myself such that I can understand something or someone else better. And maybe someone will read what I have to say and have that "conversation" and then find something within it to relate. That extends the relationship between writer and reader, and likely the reader and something or someone else.
This is why I should read more.
Extend the spiral.
This is why I should read more.
Extend the spiral.
i like seeing forces interacting
and how powerfully one thing affects another.
when i see this, i usually can't explain it, or make it tangible/accessible. this is why i feel like i will never be able to understand architecture in so many ways. I see that there are interactions, and i guess i can feel their effects (that's why they are there), but I don't understand it in that way, and I would never be able to verbalize or mimic it.
my mind is jumping.
when i stayed at Tony's last week (I don't feel this way now) but I remember thinking "this is perfect. this is where I belong, in his arms." and I never wanted to leave. Or if I did leave, I wanted to be able to come back, whenever. It strange, because that night was one of the most intensely emotional experiences I have ever had. And I can think about it calmly now. I mean, there is a little bit of anger and frusteration, but I don't feel... well, I guess this is one of those times where words fall short, at least under my jurisdiction with them.
Home. I don't understand the full implications of that word, but when I walked out of Tony's door, early Thanksgiving morning, I snapped a picture of the view from his porch. There was a light fog, and the air was quite beautiful. But that wasnt it... It was the moment, and the hundreds of moments I have had walking out that door onto that porch, and looked out across the lawn, across the bridge, across the street and into the mountains...
And it doesnt matter. Not in the sense that so many things matter, that I find myself twisting them in my head. It just is. It just was. And now...
I am sitting in my room about to start working on my two final papers. I am sick, and exhausted, and confused about so many of life's workings. There is stress building in my chest, urgency to get this work done. I just woke up and there are only a few hours of daylight left.
I have spent the past four nights in the arms of someone who truely loves me. It felt so wonderful I could hardly sleep.
And tomorrow...
I don't have any more answers. any more convictions, or any more energy to make conviction out of reason. I have reaction, interaction...
and right now, through all the chaos, I have some sense of faith. However large or lasting, I don't know. but for now...
and how powerfully one thing affects another.
when i see this, i usually can't explain it, or make it tangible/accessible. this is why i feel like i will never be able to understand architecture in so many ways. I see that there are interactions, and i guess i can feel their effects (that's why they are there), but I don't understand it in that way, and I would never be able to verbalize or mimic it.
my mind is jumping.
when i stayed at Tony's last week (I don't feel this way now) but I remember thinking "this is perfect. this is where I belong, in his arms." and I never wanted to leave. Or if I did leave, I wanted to be able to come back, whenever. It strange, because that night was one of the most intensely emotional experiences I have ever had. And I can think about it calmly now. I mean, there is a little bit of anger and frusteration, but I don't feel... well, I guess this is one of those times where words fall short, at least under my jurisdiction with them.
Home. I don't understand the full implications of that word, but when I walked out of Tony's door, early Thanksgiving morning, I snapped a picture of the view from his porch. There was a light fog, and the air was quite beautiful. But that wasnt it... It was the moment, and the hundreds of moments I have had walking out that door onto that porch, and looked out across the lawn, across the bridge, across the street and into the mountains...
And it doesnt matter. Not in the sense that so many things matter, that I find myself twisting them in my head. It just is. It just was. And now...
I am sitting in my room about to start working on my two final papers. I am sick, and exhausted, and confused about so many of life's workings. There is stress building in my chest, urgency to get this work done. I just woke up and there are only a few hours of daylight left.
I have spent the past four nights in the arms of someone who truely loves me. It felt so wonderful I could hardly sleep.
And tomorrow...
I don't have any more answers. any more convictions, or any more energy to make conviction out of reason. I have reaction, interaction...
and right now, through all the chaos, I have some sense of faith. However large or lasting, I don't know. but for now...
I want to trust that the world has a balance.
not a plan, but a balance;
that there is some sort of purpose in all we do.
I'm afraid that there isn't,
I'm afraid of all the ways I could be wrong,
but there is no way to ever know.
That is where faith comes in.
Not for religion,
not for a god, or for any one thing we can name,
but just that within our lives, individually and(/or) interacting,
we can find some peace,
or create some peace,
or even just accept some peace.
not a plan, but a balance;
that there is some sort of purpose in all we do.
I'm afraid that there isn't,
I'm afraid of all the ways I could be wrong,
but there is no way to ever know.
That is where faith comes in.
Not for religion,
not for a god, or for any one thing we can name,
but just that within our lives, individually and(/or) interacting,
we can find some peace,
or create some peace,
or even just accept some peace.
you wanna know something pretty funny?
I think I'm gonna like being sick this time.
It completely inhibits my ability to think too hard about anything.
So now... I get a break from all my scrutiny, which will hopefully make my homework a lot easier, cause I'm not gonna be able to question everything little thing. But for sure it will make the rest of my life easier, just because I'm gonna have to stay inside, eat, drink, and not interact with too many people.
Is it wrong that this makes me a little bit giddy?
Hey, at least I'm looking on the bright side.
I think I'm gonna like being sick this time.
It completely inhibits my ability to think too hard about anything.
So now... I get a break from all my scrutiny, which will hopefully make my homework a lot easier, cause I'm not gonna be able to question everything little thing. But for sure it will make the rest of my life easier, just because I'm gonna have to stay inside, eat, drink, and not interact with too many people.
Is it wrong that this makes me a little bit giddy?
Hey, at least I'm looking on the bright side.
increasingly self-loathing
at each movement
and thought.
i might never escape this.
my brain hurts.
I'd like to just sleep for a few days.
at each movement
and thought.
i might never escape this.
my brain hurts.
I'd like to just sleep for a few days.
I like my journals better than my blog. Not really, but right now I like the pure honesty within them. Its different writing. I also like seeing how my hand-writing changes depending on mood, time, ect. And the doodles and patterns around my words.
Today I am reading about my transition between 2nd and 3rd quarter last year... New Year's through Spring. It feels like such a long time ago that I wrote those things.
I finally found what I was looking for. A poem. I thought about transcribing it here, but I won't.
Anyway, there are people waiting for me in the living room. I should have spent more time alone before tonight. I don't know if I can handle this.
On the other hand, I kinda need to be with people. And I want to laugh. I want to laugh so hard that afterward, it hurts to breathe.
But I also just want to sleep. I'm tired, and there is so much work to be done. And am I going to my mom's Christmas show? Because I want to, but I have my two final papers to write in the next two days...
we have a sort-of "girls night" going tonight. so I'm gonna go pig out on pizza and chips and other shit. hopefully we can watch a movie or something and cry. hah
Today I am reading about my transition between 2nd and 3rd quarter last year... New Year's through Spring. It feels like such a long time ago that I wrote those things.
I finally found what I was looking for. A poem. I thought about transcribing it here, but I won't.
Anyway, there are people waiting for me in the living room. I should have spent more time alone before tonight. I don't know if I can handle this.
On the other hand, I kinda need to be with people. And I want to laugh. I want to laugh so hard that afterward, it hurts to breathe.
But I also just want to sleep. I'm tired, and there is so much work to be done. And am I going to my mom's Christmas show? Because I want to, but I have my two final papers to write in the next two days...
we have a sort-of "girls night" going tonight. so I'm gonna go pig out on pizza and chips and other shit. hopefully we can watch a movie or something and cry. hah
bowling
ice skating
bubble tea
tom kha soup
excessive amounts of chocolate and chick flicks
ice skating
bubble tea
tom kha soup
excessive amounts of chocolate and chick flicks
am i doing?
I wish I could just relax.
I wish the tightness in my chest would go away.
I wish I could let go of some of this.
I wish I could just accept things.
I can't explain this,
but maybe for just a little bit, it would be great if my mind didn't complicate everything.
I wish I could just relax.
I wish the tightness in my chest would go away.
I wish I could let go of some of this.
I wish I could just accept things.
I can't explain this,
but maybe for just a little bit, it would be great if my mind didn't complicate everything.
"...We are the ever-living ghost of what once was."
god this song is beautiful.
"No One..." by Band of Horse
thanks to Alicia, for knowing which song it was after my atrocious attempt at humming the tune.
pretty much all mellow music is doing it for me right now, just because I need my mind to be somewhat swept away so often.
I am working on my research proposal right now. Matt might call in a bit and help me sort some things out with it. I guess I just need to make sure I'm not sounding like an idiot when talking about these concepts surrounding architecture, sustainability ect ect. Once I finish with this, my next assignment is to compile a draft in the form of an evaluation discussing my learning this quarter. I guess that means digging through my integration papers to remind myself what I've done that is worthwhile.
I didn't go to class today because I decided to sleep instead. Its the first time I missed class for Andean Roots, and only the second time I missed any session of any class this quarter. I suppose that is some sort of accomplishment. I can't say I'm disappointed that I didn't go to class, because I needed that extra sleep for sure. But I did likely miss some key information that would help me tie the program work together so as to suppliment some sort of cohesive evaluation of myself and my work.
I don't know why the time is slipping away so fast as it always seems to be. I am just trying to pace myself, but I feel like I havent even begun.
Oh, the faculty posted our take-home final on the website. It consists of two 3 page papers due monday, so even when I get all the work done for tomorrow, I still have a long way to go before I can relax. In addition, I need to organize my Spanish work into some sort of portfolio, write my evals for Spanish and CV2, expand/redraft my tutoring philosopy, and continue work on my research project for next quarter.
I didn't mean for this blog to be an outline of all the shit I have to do (though I guess it's good that now its all out there in front of me). I meant to talk about how I feel (as if that's a reasonably accessible, easily expressed idea). Most simply put, I feel tired. For good reason though... I mean, considering all that has occurred recently, I should be pretty worn out. The way I'm dealing with things though is very strange. I feel like I am outsourcing everything I can. I mean I was complaining about work last night and relied on Carolyn to practically strap me down in front of my computer. She barked orders for me to tell her my ideas, and then before I could finish she'd urgently order me to type them out. It helped. That's certain.
And then there's other things. I called and asked Matt (F if you are one who needs the distinction now) for advice and guidence with this project. I even emailed Uncle David about it. I know there's nothing wrong for asking for help, I just feel like I havent been able to do anything on my own for a long time. That wears down on me, because I don't like always being reliant on other people, and I can't understand why I am so insufficient in myself right now. I guess that's something to think about though, because there arent many people completely self-sufficient. And anyway, most people use drugs (prescribed or not) and alcohol as a crutch through their problems... so there's that. And I guess relying on a person isn't a bad thing, as long as you arent taking advantage of them. But is that even possible? I mean, if you are honest and sincere, you can't really be doing anything malicious, but that doesnt mean it still won't hurt the person, and in addition to that, I'm not even sure what of my actions are honest and sincere anymore, so how can I expect myself express sincerity if I don't know what it is? Maybe thats why the people who have hurt me recently did so. It wasnt ill-intentioned, they just don't think about these things as hard as I do, and it may not have occured to them how my feelings would be affected in response to their insincere or inconsistent actions. This leads me away from wanting to rely on someone for comfort or company (obviously I am not talking about help with school work anymore). I could just be relying on the wrong types of people because in addition to my need for comfort/company, there are other factors and other influences in play here, like desire for a specific type of relationship.
And, I am 5 minutes over my allotted time to release some tension about personal matters. I have too much work to do to continue spiraling along this thought process not knowing if I am going up or down, or anywhere at all even.
god this song is beautiful.
"No One..." by Band of Horse
thanks to Alicia, for knowing which song it was after my atrocious attempt at humming the tune.
pretty much all mellow music is doing it for me right now, just because I need my mind to be somewhat swept away so often.
I am working on my research proposal right now. Matt might call in a bit and help me sort some things out with it. I guess I just need to make sure I'm not sounding like an idiot when talking about these concepts surrounding architecture, sustainability ect ect. Once I finish with this, my next assignment is to compile a draft in the form of an evaluation discussing my learning this quarter. I guess that means digging through my integration papers to remind myself what I've done that is worthwhile.
I didn't go to class today because I decided to sleep instead. Its the first time I missed class for Andean Roots, and only the second time I missed any session of any class this quarter. I suppose that is some sort of accomplishment. I can't say I'm disappointed that I didn't go to class, because I needed that extra sleep for sure. But I did likely miss some key information that would help me tie the program work together so as to suppliment some sort of cohesive evaluation of myself and my work.
I don't know why the time is slipping away so fast as it always seems to be. I am just trying to pace myself, but I feel like I havent even begun.
Oh, the faculty posted our take-home final on the website. It consists of two 3 page papers due monday, so even when I get all the work done for tomorrow, I still have a long way to go before I can relax. In addition, I need to organize my Spanish work into some sort of portfolio, write my evals for Spanish and CV2, expand/redraft my tutoring philosopy, and continue work on my research project for next quarter.
I didn't mean for this blog to be an outline of all the shit I have to do (though I guess it's good that now its all out there in front of me). I meant to talk about how I feel (as if that's a reasonably accessible, easily expressed idea). Most simply put, I feel tired. For good reason though... I mean, considering all that has occurred recently, I should be pretty worn out. The way I'm dealing with things though is very strange. I feel like I am outsourcing everything I can. I mean I was complaining about work last night and relied on Carolyn to practically strap me down in front of my computer. She barked orders for me to tell her my ideas, and then before I could finish she'd urgently order me to type them out. It helped. That's certain.
And then there's other things. I called and asked Matt (F if you are one who needs the distinction now) for advice and guidence with this project. I even emailed Uncle David about it. I know there's nothing wrong for asking for help, I just feel like I havent been able to do anything on my own for a long time. That wears down on me, because I don't like always being reliant on other people, and I can't understand why I am so insufficient in myself right now. I guess that's something to think about though, because there arent many people completely self-sufficient. And anyway, most people use drugs (prescribed or not) and alcohol as a crutch through their problems... so there's that. And I guess relying on a person isn't a bad thing, as long as you arent taking advantage of them. But is that even possible? I mean, if you are honest and sincere, you can't really be doing anything malicious, but that doesnt mean it still won't hurt the person, and in addition to that, I'm not even sure what of my actions are honest and sincere anymore, so how can I expect myself express sincerity if I don't know what it is? Maybe thats why the people who have hurt me recently did so. It wasnt ill-intentioned, they just don't think about these things as hard as I do, and it may not have occured to them how my feelings would be affected in response to their insincere or inconsistent actions. This leads me away from wanting to rely on someone for comfort or company (obviously I am not talking about help with school work anymore). I could just be relying on the wrong types of people because in addition to my need for comfort/company, there are other factors and other influences in play here, like desire for a specific type of relationship.
And, I am 5 minutes over my allotted time to release some tension about personal matters. I have too much work to do to continue spiraling along this thought process not knowing if I am going up or down, or anywhere at all even.
:/
I don't know what to make of this.
But anyway.
Finished the test. Did great. Out of class at least an hour early.
Alone in my room. Quite apartment. Perfect to start working.
I just don't want to
sit here alone
and wish...
I will try to make this more enjoyable, as always.
The moon is stunning tonight. Bright.
The stars are even out.
I looked at the sky, and it hasn't seemed to change since the last time I saw it so clearly.
Total comfort in a moment.
Oh how can I feel so high
and be so low?
Or the other way around.
"all you see is where else you could be when you're at home."
I don't know what to make of this.
But anyway.
Finished the test. Did great. Out of class at least an hour early.
Alone in my room. Quite apartment. Perfect to start working.
I just don't want to
sit here alone
and wish...
I will try to make this more enjoyable, as always.
The moon is stunning tonight. Bright.
The stars are even out.
I looked at the sky, and it hasn't seemed to change since the last time I saw it so clearly.
Total comfort in a moment.
Oh how can I feel so high
and be so low?
Or the other way around.
"all you see is where else you could be when you're at home."
I woke up. Edited a paper. Was late for work, but luckily I have an amazing job so it doesn't really matter.
I had some good tutoring sessions. I did some Spanish studying in between and Ariel even came to visit me and helped me study. Then she bought me a burrito for lunch. What a sweatheart! ^_^
Then, instead of running I went on a really relaxing bike ride with a great guy. We talked (and didn't talk) as we explored some of the roads and trails around campus. It felt good to get a workout (but not feel so isolated), it was really cool to explore more of the area surrounding campus, and honestly the best part was just being able to talk to someone new and interesting, and really laid-back.
I also went through all the tagged pictures of me on facebook. It made me feel good, because it reminded me of some of the best times of my life, and of the amazing friends I have. And it made me feel... beautiful, in a lot of ways, just from seeing myself smile so much.
I smiled a lot today too, especially on the bike ride.
If I keep typing, I am going to be late for Spanish class. And I need to dedicate the rest of my night, after class, to research and working on that project, so I probably won't write here again tonight.
I had some good tutoring sessions. I did some Spanish studying in between and Ariel even came to visit me and helped me study. Then she bought me a burrito for lunch. What a sweatheart! ^_^
Then, instead of running I went on a really relaxing bike ride with a great guy. We talked (and didn't talk) as we explored some of the roads and trails around campus. It felt good to get a workout (but not feel so isolated), it was really cool to explore more of the area surrounding campus, and honestly the best part was just being able to talk to someone new and interesting, and really laid-back.
I also went through all the tagged pictures of me on facebook. It made me feel good, because it reminded me of some of the best times of my life, and of the amazing friends I have. And it made me feel... beautiful, in a lot of ways, just from seeing myself smile so much.
I smiled a lot today too, especially on the bike ride.
If I keep typing, I am going to be late for Spanish class. And I need to dedicate the rest of my night, after class, to research and working on that project, so I probably won't write here again tonight.
