i am trying an exercise in writing with my eyes closed.

my love affair with the night...

i am cold, shivering. not violently, i just have some chills going through my body. lstening to the moon.
my love affair with the night.
i dont like laying down to sleep alone. i am alone. i am alone. we are all alone. but
we can find something
someone
love.
company
we can escape our loneliness temporarily. escape with me. please. escape. but we have to return. we have to return. it is our state.

slow down. slow down. we dont need to have the answers. we just need to allowwhat we feel.
we just need to feel somethning.
cloase your eues. dont analyse what you see or what you say. just feel.
just feel.


dtip drip drop drop.
dont fight. flow. like water in the stream, it takes us places, impossible. we arent afraid of going. if we are we must relinquish that fear. we must grow bond it.

the violin.
it would be you, wouldnt it?


scream into the sky,
fuck
i dont know how to free my mind.
freeeee
i want to be free. and me, i want to be... i want to be loved. and i love
and i fear everything i dont know. i fear the dark, the emptiness that opens up when im alone. it is space, space not filled, a void of what is unknwon. unknown. do we really fear it? we ... want it. we hide from it. it drives us. if we knew we were to die tomorrow, we wouldnt do what we are doing today. ignorance.
i hate ignorance. the stigma attacched to it... i hate being ignirance of reality. i will die. i just dont knwo when. i just dont knwo where, or how. will i feel alone, or will i be with...

space, falling, falling. slip. when you slip. its a long fall, or uncertainty. uncertainty
and when you hit the ground, and you are alive, you know you are alive, and yoor consciousness of that needs to catch up with the physical reality. you hold yourself. you wish... well. you are alive. and alone. and you wish...
but it doesnt matter. somehow, it doesnt matter, and even if... it doesnt matter, because of what is based in reality, even if it is not physical reality.
dreams arent exactly what im talking about. i am talking about... the stars. the stars are the same every night... they are different every second. they are there all the time. we cant see them all the time. the sun. the light "doesnt blind you at all, it just helps you see" but what about the sun? it IS a star. it just helps you see. anyway, it is always there, they are always there. you just cant always see them. and love and presence and emotion and desire and

well. well, people are afraid of what is under the water. people are afraid because they cant see it, they dont know. but would knowing be any better? if we saw the shark face to face, would that be any better? maybe not seeing is okay. maybe... on some level. maybe these are stupud metaphores that have no solidity in actuality. but i am typing with my eyes closed and so maybe i dont even really know what i am saying. maybe i am just typing for the sake of experimenting in this form of thought and all my thoughts in this state are completely obscure... whatever, that is how it is always is. and there is no wrong or right. so fuck you

listening to the stars. wars with the night. waiting for the day. the day. i will see....
like i said, those days are the best days. no matter how unnerving, how painful. you...

darkness. "my spirits seem to go down with the sun." i dont know about that... i dont know. fuck, can we just establish that i dont know anything. as if that needs to be established, no one knows anything... fuck, i dont know that. what a fucking idiot i can be.

i wish i could be...
i wish i could write something worthy of..
i wish i could finish my thoughts without being worried who would see them, maybe i wont post this. maybe i just wont.

oh the good life. the slow life. the simple life. the ___ life.

"so much hate for the one's we love"
god, spite is terrible. its pretty much the same thing as love. hahahahaha in so many ways i find that to be true.
"rock me mama like the wind and the rain, rock me mama like a southbound train. heeeyyy mama rock me"

travel plans. i dont know where we are going, but i think we might just end up going there together. it would make things make sense. not that things ever need to make sense, but maybe they do need every once in a while, or maybe alot. i just know we can be alone and still be going in the same direction. if thats okay with you.. and even if its not...
we will be.

rain/ rain falling on
the snow falling on the ground
"you must have known the storm was comin.."
the same direction. the same
direction is so ...
i can be lost in the woods and am i really lost? amd i lost if i dont know my direction, if i jsut wander aimlessly like we do through life. but if we just find some direction, surely we will find some people to take the journey with, at least until the next fork.
fork. food
forks. vampires (thats what it just said in my song "you let the vampires in"... good timing). if i was running, i would be preparing to sprint, cause this is almost the sprinting part of the song... and god danm it is so epic. i love. why havent i been running?
i think ia m about done with this freewrite. it hurts my eyse to keep them closed with the light from the screen on them. (,,, you could turn off the screen) true.
well i am tired, i should go to sleep. it will feel good, and the day tomorrow/later today is important. i feel it.

so i wait for my sun. i wait for my moon. i wait for my stars.
but i must not forget, they are always here,
or at least, they are always there.