Here is my schedule for the fall, as far as I know.

I think everyone's housing check-in is Saturday Sept 19th, but that could just be Freshmen. I'll have to double check that.
Either way, I should probably be settled in my dorm by at least the 21st because the Writing Center retreat is Sept 22 through 24th. Then I will have a couple days to chill, start my reading, catch up with people. Class starts on Monday the 28th.

My weekly class/work schedule is gonna look something like this:

Monday:
Andean Roots 10-3

Tuesday:
Tutoring in the morning/afternoon (2-4 hours)
Spanish 6-8p

Wednesday:
Andean Roots 9-12
Tutoring in the afternoon (2-4 hours)

Thursday (always seem to be the longest day):
Andean Roots 9-3
Spanish 6-8p

Friday:
Tutor meeting/class 10-12
Tutoring in the afternoon if I haven't done my 8 hours/week yet.

*sigh* busy busy.
But I am excited about what I am studying.
I am stoked about the internship.

I know I am gonna get stressed and overwhelmed, but hopefully I will be more able to cope with the pressure this year.
I will be in Substance Free housing, which will probably be much quieter, and hopefully I won't have to deal with drunk people playing instruments terribly above me, the smell of cigarettes or pot, or any of the other strange and distracting things I dealt with last year while trying to write essays, do stats, read endless novels ect.

What else is going to be better about this year. I have lots of friends. Alicia will be there. Nygil too. Annie will come back after her trip to Africa, and Ariana after her trip to India. Tyler, and Zach, and Ben, and Nina, and Aja, and Trevor are all coming back. As is Rob I believe, and Chris. Chantal will be there sometimes. And all the people I know from Legacy and PacNW and Cultivating Voice.

I want to climb on the rock wall as much as possible, play lots of raquet ball, go on runs in the rain, ride my bike cool places. I want to go watch student performances, see some of the soccer games, and even some basketball games.
I want to make this year much fuller of life and good times.
I want to feel at home in my apartment, and get along with my roommates.
I want to breathe more fresh air.
I want to play in the snow, in the mud, in the sun, and lay in the field and look at the stars.
I want to learn how to slack line, play hacky sack, and do other typical Evergreeny type things.
I hope to have the desire to stay on campus/in Oly on the weekends instead of coming home.

I want to get better at writing essays (faster).
I want to become somewhat fluent in Spanish.
I want to develop my ability as a tutor.
I want to overcome my habitual procrastination.

I think I can make myself happy by doing these things.
I know I've been trying for years, and for just as long have felt defeated by despair and desperation. But I am still gonna try harder to find some sense of contentment, if only enough to wake up glad to be alive rather than just trolling along through each new day.


I'm starting now though.
I'm not waiting for school.

I'm gonna try to start letting some of the weight of the world just roll of my sholders, rather than trying to hold it all up.
We'll see how it goes.

i have a lot to say, so I'm just gonna start typing.

my first thought is this:
it would be wonderful if people would listen to what I say, and believe me, or take me seriously.
that seems to be a theme over the happenings of the past few days.

this whole summer at camp... i have been healing. the minute i step away from neverneverland, all of that disappears. or maybe i wasn't healing at all... just temporarily escaping my real life.
i am thrust back into failed relationships, lost love, friendships that are more destructive than constructive, a world obsessed with/reliant on drugs and sex.



its amazing how long it took me to get from misery to happiness, and how short it took me to get back.

I'm still gonna try to be happy. I'm always gonna try.
But I really don't think the world is going to let me.


there are people in my room with me.
i need to stop.
i need to go.

it takes only a few moments back in reality to start chipping away (or completely demolish) all that built up optimism and joy.

Zippity-fuckin-doo-dah.

I'm too tired to fight this off.

Isn't it amazing when a lyric, or a song, or even a whole album just describes your life perfectly? And somehow you discover it right when you need it (right when you need someone to understand all the unspeakable thoughts that are flying through your mind...)
The tone too.
Relaxed and soft, but intense.

"how the wind in your hair now feels differently"


I'm trying to deconstruct the album. I remember you said you thought it could be a story. Can't put it together all the way right now.

I just know there are some lines in there that are really speaking to me right now.

--

Today, walking from Snoqualmie to North Bend. The wind danced with my hair. The sun held my skin. Life just seemed to surround me. I was so light. Walking felt like flying.
It was probably one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I was happy. I was practically in tears at the thought that I can actually be so happy. And so balanced, and so content, that I can't even control a smile. Not just a smile either. A huge, invincible grin, that made people turn their heads and wonder what could possibly inspire such joy.
I am happy because I'm alive, and today was a beautiful day to be alive.
I am happy because I'm growing; changing, but also accepting the parts of me that are constant.


Oh, that reminds me... I was re-reading some of the posts I wrote before camp. Because of how I felt/feel today, I was shocked by something I had said in June, in "beauty." I said:

"I have to suffer because of who I am. Yes, I can change, grow, find joy... but my soul will always be inherently the same, and the world won't change enough that my soul will be fit to settle in, and be content or sure."

I don't know how true or untrue that statement is, but I do know that I have thought it for years now. But suddenly, I feel I feel that I can transcend that about myself, by living a certain way. (God, I know I sound so crazy sometimes..) Either way, I felt so much overwhelming rightness today that I thought I was going to burst. At camp, that was fairly common, but I honestly thought that would leave the moment I got back here.

There was a moment in Grey's car yesterday, when... I felt this light leaving me. It was instant, but it was just... there was something there inside me, and then there wasn't. And I felt suddenly unfamiliar. Except that it was the dull feeling which I had accepted as natural for so long.

But then there was something else inside me, (not so physically present as the first one felt) and it refused to let me feel dark for more than a second. And even though I felt like something changed, I still felt amazing.

"weve got nowhere to go, but here."

Goddamnit, I need a new notebook. Filled up the last one about a week ago.

I bought a new one, but it isn't right. Maybe I shouldn't be so picky... I just know the type I got fall apart really easily.

Whatever...

I decided to stay at Killoqua for another week instead of doing Summer Winds, and I made that decision even before Killoqua was sure they could pay me. I just knew I needed to be here. Here makes me happy.
Made?
Well... so far this week, I feel I am falling backwards into my normal state of feeling (or unfeeling, if you will).
But I am fighting that off.
And so is camp.

And its not that I feel alone...
even though I kinda am...
I just wish I had something stable.
Which is maybe why this Grey situation is taking a turn I didn't think it would.

I'd be really nice if I could do something without complete screwing it up, or messing myself up emotionally. That's what I like about camp... I feel that I am doing something good, and I feel good doing it.
Except this week, so far.

Mom is coming for my TO tomorrow.
I am on my Out right now, in the Staff room, waiting for Grey.

Maybe I am writing myself into a hole right now, because I am not expressing what I need to.
I need more time to myself. To reflect.
(It will come... you will miss this.)

Ok. time to go enjoy my last week here.

I was at Wee Theatre with my Whulje boys last week and they were messing around on stage, and one of them said "To be or not to be" and automatically I started reciting the rest of Hamlet's soliloquy. Granted, I only got about 5 more lines in before I blanked. That, and the kids thought I was crazy, ...and I kinda was crazy cause they asked me what it meant and I actually tried to explain it to them (10 year old boys...). Maybe that's not crazy. Maybe they should know. But they didn't understand anyway, and I felt strange that I had even tried to explain it. However, they kept asking me to recite it. And it really bothered me that I couldn't remember it all. :/

Anyway, I am going to try to re-remember it. Starting now. Here it is, so I can just reference it from my blog if I need a refresher.

HAMLET: To be, or not to be--that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--

No more--and by a sleep to say we end

The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--

To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause. There's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country, from whose bourn

No traveler returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprise of great pitch and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,

The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remembered.

These problems, causing you grief, are so small when I look at the stars.
You ask what i am looking for, and in this world I do not know.
But when I look at the stars, I am looking for truth, and answers, and hope that there is something more than we can see. I am looking at questions that no one is able to answer without asking more questions. I am seeing the same stars that you are seeing, but maybe I am seeing them differently.
When I look at the stars I long to be floating out there with them, out there in outer-space. But it is only when I stop and realize that I am out there --out here-- floating around in space, that I feel safe. And home. I am surrounded, secure. I am where I belong. It isn't "out there", it is right here, and it is everywhere. I sit on this ball. And this ball floats in space. Like the stars.

Is it endless?

We have our star, bringing life.
Our moon, brought to life.
Our earth, our lives.

But we have this vastness surrounding it all, making it all real, by being so surreal.
Are we floating in an abyss, or are we floating in a rain drop, or are we rats in some experiment: Biosphere I.

(I am glad for contemplation, though I wish I had the words.)
(I always have the answers for You.. but never for me.)

I don't have an answer.
I don't know what I seek.
I only know that I will always be looking.