Matt posted this on his site. I liked it. I related to some of it. Some I related to other people, Matt included. Anyway, I wanted to remember it. So here:

"There really are things that are irreparable. I'm always wanting to tell people this. It doesn't matter who I say it to. It could be a rainy day and I'm standing on the station platform of the Keio Line, waiting for an express train that's late. Or I'm standing in line at a convenience store where a brand-new employee is slowly working the register. Either way, I see myself muttering this without thinking. Like the phrase has wormed its way into my unconscious so much that, when I'm irritated, I can't help but blurt it out.

I don't think I could blurt it out to Yuzan or Kirarin, though. They'd just say, "Hmm. You could be right," their eyes dreamily looking around for a bit, but then, as soon as the subject changed, they'd forget all about it. They'd drop it so fast I'd be left there feeling stupid and embarrassed. I'd hate that, so that's why I don't bring it up with them. It'd be like a lighthouse, where the spotlight rotates and, for an instant, illuminates something. But once the light moves on, everything melts back into the dark. They couldn't care less. Unless you actually experience something that can't be undone, you can't possibly understand it. People like that just think it's some phrase and misinterpret it. To them, it's some cheap truism.

Toshi alone might react differently. On the surface she acts all casual, but she's a sensitive person and is very intuitive. I bet she'd look me in the eye and try to tease out what I'm getting at. But not finding anything, Toshi, too, would be disappointed and turn to other things.

By "things that are irreparable," I don't mean something like Worm's killing his mother. It's not that simple. And it's not something like the guilt Yuzan has over avoiding her mother's death. It's actually the opposite. How can I put it? Once you're dead you can't come back to life - it's final. But to my way of thinking, those are also events that aren't entirely irreparable, because they are the easy way out. I mean, death is something everyone's going to experience someday, so it's an easy-to-understand ending Worm's chosen, and in that sense something close to defeat. Killing somebody is just payback motivated by all your anger, humiliation, and desires, and since it doesn't put an end to problems, it doesn't fit the category of an irreparable action. Something that's really irreparable is more like this: a horribly frightening feeling that keeps building up inside you forever until your heart is devoured. People who carry around the burden of something that can't be undone will one day be destroyed.

Are my ideas too complicated? I'm the kind of person who thinks about difficult things more than others. That's why at home and at school I'm always joking around. The reason's simple - even if I exposed the real me to other people, they wouldn't understand. Toshi might pick up a little of what's going on, but I've yet to meet a person - child or adult - who really gets me.

There's this huge gap between me and other people - a gap in ability, experience, and feelings. I'm really emotional, and bright. When I say bright I don't mean good at schoolwork. I mean I can think abstractly. Some adults might think a high school student can't do this, but they're wrong.

I feel above human relationships, so I'm constantly holding myself in check. Controlling myself like this zaps all my energy, so I gave up on studying and don't take it seriously. I figured out long ago that studying for exams is nothing more than figuring out how to work the system.