see, I've felt pretty alright for the past couple of days. I mean... significantly less hopeless than I was a couple weeks ago. So that's... something.

I was confused for a little bit this weekend, but I think I regained my bearings a little on that subject.

But I seem to have come to a state in which... I am too afraid to expect anything from anything, and so I don't really have something to look forward to, because its all so random and unpredictable. And I'm guarded right now... to a certain extent. On the other hand, it kinda just frees me of any real commitment, and I can be fairly uninhibited about ...

see, but that leads me to this state of almost uncaring. and i start saying mean things, and stop working out, and
like today, at lunch, alicia had two of her classmates sit with us, and i didnt even introduce myself. i mean, we were kinda all engaged in some sort of interaction. i thought about shaking their hands, asking what thier names were... but i guess i didnt care enough. i just sat there eating really shitty food and tried to talk to alicia a little bit.

the other day was good. what day was that? oh, monday. i didnt have class and i hadnt slept all night. i just had to turn in my paper. and then work for 4 hours. that night was when i last blogged.
i donno, that day was distinctive because everything felt sorta dreamlike. but work was... yea, interesting... just hard cause i was so tired.
but afterward i went and hung out with zach and eric for a bit, which i think needed, in a very real sense of the word.
the day was also distinctive because of visiting the art annex, which ive never been to before, but is a really cool place to explore and look around.
ariel and carolyn and i walked up there to visit tyler who was staying up all night on his project. then we walked around campus, looking at the gorgous moon, and doing a little bit of unorthodox star-tripping.

anyway
i dont really care to write much of anything else right now.
i dont feel good. im tired, and im just generally in a bad mood for whatever fuckin reason. i guess i just didnt get enough sleep last night. not to mention, carolyn and ariel are leaving tonight, and i won't see ari until after christmas which fuckin breaks my heart. hopefully carolyn will be back on campus for a bit next week. other than that... i am stuck with guys. and maybe some alicia (brian might visit next week too).

oh, and im supposed to go home this weekend for a couple nights of hanukkah, which is cool cause i like being home, but dont really wanna go back and forth... so thats kinda annoying.

meh. when i get back, there wont be much to do. i have an eval conference monday, and one wednesday too. and another one in there somewhere for spanish. on monday is the "interview" for an actual position at the writing center. wednesday i find out if i go to Peru. but other than those meetings, im gonna have nothing. lots of climbing, and hopefully some running (indoors, my hands cant take this weather), and maybe some raquetball if the guys are up for it.

but no dance parties, no girly movie nights, or rockband all nighters, guilt-free because there is no homework or class left...
thats what i was looking forward too.
meh.

i am off to my last andean roots class meeting for the quarter. its basically just a tea and cookie party. hope its enjoyable enough.