"...We are the ever-living ghost of what once was."
god this song is beautiful.
"No One..." by Band of Horse
thanks to Alicia, for knowing which song it was after my atrocious attempt at humming the tune.
pretty much all mellow music is doing it for me right now, just because I need my mind to be somewhat swept away so often.

I am working on my research proposal right now. Matt might call in a bit and help me sort some things out with it. I guess I just need to make sure I'm not sounding like an idiot when talking about these concepts surrounding architecture, sustainability ect ect. Once I finish with this, my next assignment is to compile a draft in the form of an evaluation discussing my learning this quarter. I guess that means digging through my integration papers to remind myself what I've done that is worthwhile.

I didn't go to class today because I decided to sleep instead. Its the first time I missed class for Andean Roots, and only the second time I missed any session of any class this quarter. I suppose that is some sort of accomplishment. I can't say I'm disappointed that I didn't go to class, because I needed that extra sleep for sure. But I did likely miss some key information that would help me tie the program work together so as to suppliment some sort of cohesive evaluation of myself and my work.

I don't know why the time is slipping away so fast as it always seems to be. I am just trying to pace myself, but I feel like I havent even begun.

Oh, the faculty posted our take-home final on the website. It consists of two 3 page papers due monday, so even when I get all the work done for tomorrow, I still have a long way to go before I can relax. In addition, I need to organize my Spanish work into some sort of portfolio, write my evals for Spanish and CV2, expand/redraft my tutoring philosopy, and continue work on my research project for next quarter.


I didn't mean for this blog to be an outline of all the shit I have to do (though I guess it's good that now its all out there in front of me). I meant to talk about how I feel (as if that's a reasonably accessible, easily expressed idea). Most simply put, I feel tired. For good reason though... I mean, considering all that has occurred recently, I should be pretty worn out. The way I'm dealing with things though is very strange. I feel like I am outsourcing everything I can. I mean I was complaining about work last night and relied on Carolyn to practically strap me down in front of my computer. She barked orders for me to tell her my ideas, and then before I could finish she'd urgently order me to type them out. It helped. That's certain.

And then there's other things. I called and asked Matt (F if you are one who needs the distinction now) for advice and guidence with this project. I even emailed Uncle David about it. I know there's nothing wrong for asking for help, I just feel like I havent been able to do anything on my own for a long time. That wears down on me, because I don't like always being reliant on other people, and I can't understand why I am so insufficient in myself right now. I guess that's something to think about though, because there arent many people completely self-sufficient. And anyway, most people use drugs (prescribed or not) and alcohol as a crutch through their problems... so there's that. And I guess relying on a person isn't a bad thing, as long as you arent taking advantage of them. But is that even possible? I mean, if you are honest and sincere, you can't really be doing anything malicious, but that doesnt mean it still won't hurt the person, and in addition to that, I'm not even sure what of my actions are honest and sincere anymore, so how can I expect myself express sincerity if I don't know what it is? Maybe thats why the people who have hurt me recently did so. It wasnt ill-intentioned, they just don't think about these things as hard as I do, and it may not have occured to them how my feelings would be affected in response to their insincere or inconsistent actions. This leads me away from wanting to rely on someone for comfort or company (obviously I am not talking about help with school work anymore). I could just be relying on the wrong types of people because in addition to my need for comfort/company, there are other factors and other influences in play here, like desire for a specific type of relationship.

And, I am 5 minutes over my allotted time to release some tension about personal matters. I have too much work to do to continue spiraling along this thought process not knowing if I am going up or down, or anywhere at all even.