i like seeing forces interacting
and how powerfully one thing affects another.
when i see this, i usually can't explain it, or make it tangible/accessible. this is why i feel like i will never be able to understand architecture in so many ways. I see that there are interactions, and i guess i can feel their effects (that's why they are there), but I don't understand it in that way, and I would never be able to verbalize or mimic it.


my mind is jumping.
when i stayed at Tony's last week (I don't feel this way now) but I remember thinking "this is perfect. this is where I belong, in his arms." and I never wanted to leave. Or if I did leave, I wanted to be able to come back, whenever. It strange, because that night was one of the most intensely emotional experiences I have ever had. And I can think about it calmly now. I mean, there is a little bit of anger and frusteration, but I don't feel... well, I guess this is one of those times where words fall short, at least under my jurisdiction with them.

Home. I don't understand the full implications of that word, but when I walked out of Tony's door, early Thanksgiving morning, I snapped a picture of the view from his porch. There was a light fog, and the air was quite beautiful. But that wasnt it... It was the moment, and the hundreds of moments I have had walking out that door onto that porch, and looked out across the lawn, across the bridge, across the street and into the mountains...
And it doesnt matter. Not in the sense that so many things matter, that I find myself twisting them in my head. It just is. It just was. And now...

I am sitting in my room about to start working on my two final papers. I am sick, and exhausted, and confused about so many of life's workings. There is stress building in my chest, urgency to get this work done. I just woke up and there are only a few hours of daylight left.
I have spent the past four nights in the arms of someone who truely loves me. It felt so wonderful I could hardly sleep.

And tomorrow...

I don't have any more answers. any more convictions, or any more energy to make conviction out of reason. I have reaction, interaction...
and right now, through all the chaos, I have some sense of faith. However large or lasting, I don't know. but for now...