"seems somebody put out the moon... now the road is a minefield"




i didn't catch a ride with Ari to Seattle. Its what I need to do to get everything done that I have to do before leaving for Peru.

Becca isn't coming on Wednesday.

I'm not gonna...
No, I am gonna make it... its just gonna be shitty.

In Spanish class yesterday we watch The Motorcycle Diaries which was not only one of the best movies ever, but it also got me really excited to be in a new place, to be in THAT place. When the characters were in Lima and Cuzco, I felt like I almost felt like I was there. And I almost am there...

So, since I found out I am not seeing my family this weekend or next week, I feel like I was just dumped out on the street and there is nowhere to go. Basically I have no motivation at the moment. But I need to find some so I can do my Spanish work, and practice a lot, and write my Spanish essay, get logistics done for travel, go climbing (or running... hmm, hadnt considered that -- maybe if my mp3 charges. it actually decided to turn on today, so thats an improvement), and i need to make a decision about camp (called Zeeb and she can't offer me a part time position this summer so its either all summer at Killoqua, or half at NYSC and half at Summer Winds. Sorry Killoqua...I think I know where my heart is on this one.)

I had a dream about Matt (N) last night, but it was a combination of he and Adam. And we were on the Evergreen campus, but it was a lot different. I was with Matt/Adam. The Adam part of him was with his girlfriend, but apparently had two (which I knew because they had always come into the Writing Center at different times and he had kissed them --NOT real life). The Matt part of him was flirting with me and asking me his opinion on which girl he should be with (neither of them was his girlfriend from real life). Everyone else liked the really primped up "gorgeous" one. I liked the quieter one who was just as pretty, just not as obsessed with herself. I really wanted her to be with Adam, but not Matt. I wanted Matt to like me. And he did, and everyone knew it, but I didnt want to be another one of Adam's girls. (wtf is wrong with my mind?) Anyway, so THEN it was Matt/Adam, one of his girlfriends, Tyler's friend Christina, and Christina's... boyfriend? They were all going to play Cribbage. Matt looked at me as if he was going to invite me. I had tears in my eyes, but he must have realized they already had enough (too many?) players, or that it was an even number. I was sitting in a room, with people, on the bottom floor of one of the apartments watching the frisbee players on the field. I knew Zach wouldn't be there, or Tyler. Then I saw Eric and I was surprised he went out there on his own, but I lit up when I saw him. I cheered for him for a bit. Then there was a game of soccer that I was ref-ing, or I was at least trying to determine if a shot ended up being a goal. It was cool cause the shot kept replaying in real life so I just went to the goal and stuck my hand up and the ball hit my hand, so it was within the goal post. I don't remember who was playing. Kids or something. And... we were watching King Kong, but then King Kong was real and it was killing people, and it tried to kill me. I don't remember how I got away from King Kong but she could talk and she was really offended about something so she was dropping my friends(?) off a water tower and watching them splatter on the ground. When she picked up the last friend --who offered themselves to go before me-- I started climbing down the ladder and somehow got away. There was some sort of party that night. I don't remember the rest in detail. It might come back to me later though.

Blech. Alicia had a bad performance today, she said. We are both struggling so I offered to take her out to do something or go climbing. She wants to go home, so I might go with her but I wish she'd stay here and see if our friendship still has any of the power it did before to make our lives a little brighter. It'd be nice to just go out with her and see the fun we could get into...

Anyway, I need to find that motivation asap and get shit done before the offices close.

oh. there is one more thing. So last night, when I was writing that blog about missing my mom, I wanted to mention something else. I know two of my readers have lost their moms for good. It makes me feel almost selfish to miss my own, but let me just say that being reminded of the possibility that i could lose her, since others have lost theirs is part of what makes me realize how important she is to me, and that i should spend as much time as possible with her before i go.

and the fact that my sister got a gun pulled on her (even if it was fake) makes me want to be with her more and more too. it could have been a real gun. she could be gone.

enough now.
there are things to be done.


i may walk blindly, but i have choosen a direction, and now i just need to take it.