i need to get outta here... just for a day or the weekend or something. Ari and her dad are going up to Seattle tomorrow. I might catch a ride. It'd be nice to go to Lindsey's party and see her and some people like Matt and Dana who are supposedly going. Gosh, that'd be nice. Its possible, I just need to make the choice tonight.

Nothing is helping right now... I thought being done with the stressful school stuff would help, but it just leaves that much more space for my mind to.... I don't even know what its been doing lately.

I try to wince the loneliness away. It comes swiftly with the falling of the sun. But "company" feels as thin as the air. I'm sorry. It's only the truth. And if we are going to delve into the truth... I've cried myself to sleep the last few nights. Mostly because I miss my mom. Even if she doesn't always understand me, there is something about our connection that just makes me need her, and makes her love more real than anything... and I need that right now. No other connection even feels real right now. I don't know what that means. I just know how it feels.... its all hollow, but maybe that just me.


Maybe I can go home tomorrow night and then spend Saturday night at Lindsey's party and then bus it back to EG on Sunday. I have lots of Spanish work to do, but no biggie. The only things holding me back are going climbing tomorrow, and going to Ben's birthday party. Honestly though, I don't think I'd have fun at Ben's party (no offense Ben... you understand though). And I can climb all next week and all next weekend and until my eval the week after. Then I just wanna be home I think. As much as I wish there was, there is nothing here for me right now. There isn't much more in the valley as far as people or things to do. The reason I want to be there instead of here is because of my family. Be with them while I can...before I leave. Being "home" is one of the best things I know anyway, and its been a few weeks since I've felt that feeling of being home, except when my mom visited. So I guess I do know where that is. I don't want this to be demeaning to anyone. I will take the blame. I am hollow. Not any of you. I don't know how to be what other people are in terms of relating to each other. Maybe this will change. Maybe I will change. Maybe someday I will understand relationships and love better. But right now... I think I have just struck out so many times that I forgot how to play, or I just don't want to swing anymore. I'm not just talking about romantic love either. I am talking about self-love, friend love. That sort too.

the point is... I need to move. I need to take my backpack and camera and fucking get off this campus and get out of Olympia. Like i said, even if just for the day. And I know I am going to be travelling non-stop soon, but I need something to tide me over. So I think I will go tomorrow.

I'm gonna go pack. Then sleep. Then call mom in the morning and make sure she is gonna be home. Maybe she is going through Oly on her way back from Oregon. I could catch a ride with her then.

I watched Skellig tonight. It was my favorite book in middle school. The movie made me really nostalgic, but wasn't nearly as good. I still need to find that book Shadow, about the dog. I wonder if it was called Shadow. Maybe that was that cat book. Yea... I think that was it. What was that book about that golden retriever dog. It was a yellow book and I think it had a silhouette of a dog on the cover. I can still feel what the cover felt like. It wasn't a very thick book, and it was small and light in my hand. It was at the Bend Public Library, I think. I will find it someday...