some time has passed, as have some thoughts. and im unsure how many i will be able to recount here.

i am home in North Bend. Home in Olympia is now a little less like home, but i can't be too sad about it even though i was living with and around amazing people. i am finding it easier... it is only hard to think that i can't call Tyler and have him come right over to hang out, i can't text Eric and Zach and ask them if they wanna go climbing in an hour, i can't go across the hall and lay on Ari or Cari's bed with them to look up weird things on the internet.

its like camp... i met amazing people and had a better time then i expected to have, and then its over. and its hard to leave, but i can't be too sad. i am going somewhere new again to be surprised by the people i meet and the places i see. and then it will be hard to leave again.

camp was harder to leave than Evergreen because i was afraid of what i was coming back to. i felt depression waiting for me at the gates. p307 was not the escape from darkness that camp was. but it was a good home that held me safely enough in its arms while i stumbled around. that room that i left there was a place where life happened for me, and i guess that is why we find it hard to leave homes behind or see them destroyed.

i often think that unrooted life is cause for communal unhappiness of our society. we don't have connection to place as our ancestors hadwe try to recreate it in houses and neighborhoods, but what is the cause if neighbors never speak and families dont get along?

i know i would never be "happy" with the lifestyle so many seem to want. i will use my parents as an example. i do not have contempt for my parents. i simply despise our house, our neighborhood, our three car garage...ect. it is home, so i love it. it is comfortable and easy, so i find myself embracing it. but i do not want it for myself, for my future. it isnt what i believe in.

i fear, deeply, that i should end up with that. that my fear of something different will back me into it. that i will become what i've always hated.

the problem i suffer now is that i already am what i hate. and that i love so much. "there is so much guilt in loving." i cant remember where i heard that. there is so much guilt in me.

i do what i can, but i can do more.

back to the original point... leaving Evergreen and the States (even briefly) feels like a release from things that were/are holding me back from the joy i seek. maybe i am too romantic about it, but i know that even if joy doesn't persist in one place forever, i can find it briefly in curiosity and discovery (...there is another tangent here about how maybe it is human nature to never be settled, explaining manifest destiny, our journey to space, and our reliance on cyberspace, which maybe i wouldnt have been thinking about if i hadn't done the reading that i will mention later. i credit that author with this tangent, though i may never write/develop it). so, brief joy. that is a theme in my thinking lately, partially inspired by Swell Season's album "Strict Joy" and the lyrics, as well as the themes in the movie Once. Brief seems the nature of "joy," though that could just be for me. i dont really know. (i don't really know anything).

i wish i had the braincells to express what is on my heart. but i have a headache and i have lots of unpacking/sorting and things to do for Peru. i have people i want to spend time with before i leave. but i also have so much to write, and so many thoughts.

i think i have expressed what i have the energy to tonight. i can't keep fighting all these ideas right now, and even if i don't fight them, it is hard to present them in ways in which i won't offend someone or misrepresent something.

selfishly, i wish Tyler was here. he keeps me warm and he keeps my mind off things. and it isn't just him, it is the company and the unconditional love and affection, which i abuse. and it is even more selfish because i want to escape these thoughts which have merit and meaning, and which are my responsibility. how is that escape any different than getting wasted? life is too short to be unconscious and unaware more than we already have to be. luckily my consciousness seems to persist even in sleep. or is that unlucky?

i was reading that book Aunt Pat sent me called "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer. im not sure i want to delve into a full blown review/response right now, but it helped me keep that gaping hole inside me to a reasonable size tonight. a conversation with dad (stemming from an interesting visit to a jewelry store) was what ripped me open this day. when i got home, i was unpacking and found that book and flipped through it a bit. i read the section about metaphorical seasons and life, and the section about the author's depression. season's had interesting thoughts, but the depression bit hit home. aside from Zach and myself i don't think i have heard anyone express my own emotions so accurately. Palmer provided explanation of some of his journey through/out-of his depression. his thoughts at least widened, or added a rung to my spiral of thoughts about the concept.

anyway, the other sections of the book i read/skimmed helped me realize some other things and i was shocked that i actually enjoyed it. i thought it was gonna be some self-help, empowerment thing, and MAYBE that is what it was meant to be, or why my aunt sent it to me. just the title alone had turned me off. but i guess i was thinking about it wrong. I thought "Let Your Life Speak" like 'let your life be an inspiration to others. but now that i've read some, it is more like 'let your life tell you things,' 'let your experience be your guide' which i guess i relate to a lot better, or at least, see as less of the superfluous nonsense i was expecting... not to say it was all impressive or meaningful to me (though i can't be judgemental since writing and publishing one's thoughts is difficult and scary and admirable in almost any regard), but it was pleasantly surprising and helpful in some small way.

and i am listening to this song:

"Once in a while i act like a child to feel like a kid again
It gets like a prison in the body i'm living in
Cause everone's watching and quick to start talking, i'm losing my innocence
Wish i were a little girl without the weight of the world

It would be nice to start over again
Before we were men
I'd give, i'd bend, let's play pretend

Remember the times we had soda for wine,
and we got by on gratitude
The worst they could do to you was check your attitude
Yeah when fights were for fun, we had water in guns,
and a place we could call our own
How we lost hold of home i guess i'll never know

It would be nice to start over again
Before we were men
I'd give, i'd bend, let's play pretend

And when it's the end,
Our lives will make sense
We'll love, we'll bend, let's play pretend

It's not going to be long before we're all gone with nothing to show for them
Stop taking lives, come on let's all grow up again

It would be nice to start over again
Before we were men
I'd give, i'd bend, let's play pretend

And when it's the end,
Our lives will make sense
We'll love, we'll bend, let's play pretend"
-Pretend by Lights

i see the flaw. pretending is ignorance, and that is another one of my worst fears. i don't want to pretend, which is why i don't want to escape either.

but sometimes Lights is all i want to listen to. it soothes me and i feel connected to it, similarly to Jack Johnson, because it is angry and sad, but in a way that is soft and hopeful. sort of a breath of fresh air.

and i guess all of us need to breathe once in a while.
that's fine.
i just don't want to forget everything i know (and don't know) that makes me who i am, and guides me to go where i need to go, to do what i need to do, to be happy and free, and (more importantly) to let other people be happy and free.