Patrick

so, you're going soon.

are you excited?

8:07pmAlex

yup

kinda

scared

8:07pmPatrick

i'm sure everyone's been asking you

well, if it helps i could always lend some advice

about leaving everything you know and going somewhere new :D

8:08pmAlex

sure

8:08pmPatrick

all i can say is that

it won't always be as awesome as you hoped.

a lot of times

it will.

you'll be doing the things you planned and it'll be exciting but

the times that it's not can really get you down.

so, just find one person, or some activity, or something even as minute as a new food or even a song that

makes you feel good about the decision you made

and stick with that.

i know that sounds dumb but that's how i've been doing it

8:12pmAlex

thats really good advice. thank you.

8:12pmPatrick

like, there are times

i feel alone or

some deep cold about how i can't go back.

and then i just hold out and everything gets a lot better.

to be honest i've been struggling a lot with it recently! and

i don't want that to happen to you.

I feel like all the people who told me how everything was going to be okay before i left

like, you want to believe it but you're still a little scared even if there's no reason to be

and i can say from my side of the fence you'll be okay.

if you can get me to like you from one day of talking to imagine what you're going to do to SOUTH AMERICA

and he called me tonight to sing me a song. it was wonderful. and we talked a bit too. (type 2 conversation from a near stranger!) another good thing about meeting Patrick is he reminds me of all the great people in the world i have yet to meet. same with Kirsten from the climbing gym today.
i like this whole gym-hopping thing. new terrain and new route styles every time. Mom convinced me to bring my climbing shoes to Peru so i hope i find some time and some rock to do that. ^_^

So it is my last night here for a long time. August seems a million miles away, and it won't be till then that i'm back in this room. or that i get to see my kitties and doggies again. or most of my friends. that is tough to think about, and for once i am actually trying to ignore the reality of a situation... at least until that plane takes off and i am started on my adventure.

fuck, i should have started writing sooner. i have a lot on my mind. i didn't think i would be able to write. i guess i was scared to be honest with myself, which is what writing often is. i want to cry right now. and i know when i hug my mom goodbye i am going to be an absolute wreck.

mom says i am going to come back from this completely changed. *big sigh* i try not to be afraid of change, but its going to be interesting navigating all of this, and trying to maintain an sense of identity ...though i guess identity cant be static...ever.

the image that "you are going to be a completely different person when you come back" makes me think that the next time i am sitting at this desk typing at you, i am not going to be me; i am not going to understand what i have written here before...

i can't imagine why i would think that. i have changed so incredibly much over the years and there thousands of thoughts in my old journals that i read now and think "i somehow still feel this way."

anyway. i should seriously wrap this up. i will write more on the plane and type it up later if i get a chance.

okay. ready

set

go!